Male narrator: Previously, on Last Comic Standing...
Our top ten faced their first challenge: Sketch comedy.
- Synced and corrected by Retrojex - - www.addic7ed.com -
Then, three comics squared off in a stand-up showdown.
- [Cheers and applause] - Now, only eight comics remain:
The storyteller, Rod Man.
What the hell, uh, turn on my light, I guess I'm open.
Narrator: The veteran, Rocky Laporte.
Who the hell's gonna eat in a bathroom in a zoo?
Narrator: The mouth from the south, Karlous Miller.
She was like, "ooh, I 'sent' you on TV, you crazy."
Narrator: The mannequin man, Lachlan Patterson.
"What can I get for ya?" "The hell out of my way."
Narrator: The survivor, Nikki Carr.
What about the girl with the big stomach
and the flat behind? I can't dance with nobody?
Narrator: The character, D.C. Benny.
White, don't talk back to the jefe!
Narrator: The adorable Monroe Martin.
Some of y'all can't get past this hate.
I'm freakin' adorable.
Narrator: The original, Joe Machi.
I love to party.
I own three Hawaiian shirts.
Narrator: Tonight, for their second challenge,
they'll try to prove they're ready for the big time...
Wow. This is awesome.
Narrator: When they make an unforgettable visit
to the Ellen DeGeneres show.
Ellen, let's get this thing started.
Let's do it.
Narrator: Celebrity guest mentor Wanda Sykes
will prep the comics to be interviewed
by legendary comedian and talk show host
Ellen DeGeneres.
- Line up and bend over. - [Laughter]
Narrator: And then, in our head-to-head stand-up showdown,
our judges will have their hands full...
How do you think you did?
Narrator: As they decide who will remain in the running
for $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show,
and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[Quirky music]
♪ ♪
Welcome to the Last Comic Standing work space
at the Jon Lovitz comedy club.
This week, you'll face your second challenge, called,
"Ready for the big time."
Now, who's ready for the big time?
Who feels they're ready for the big time?
One thing that comedians often do is appear on talk shows.
So in this challenge, we want to see how you guys
handle the pressure of being a talk show guest,
and not just any talk show.
I'm talking about a big hit talk show.
[Laughs]
The Ellen DeGeneres show. Hmm.
The Ellen DeGeneres.
- I'm gonna go on her show. - [Laughs]
They're calling these things "challenges,"
but these are actually dreams.
One of the best talk shows, hosted
by one of the best comedians of all time, my girl Ellen.
Are you kidding me? When J.B. came out
and said that Ellen's gonna be a part of this challenge,
I was like, "Wow, this is awesome.
I'm excited about this."
- Each one of you will be pre-interviewed
by a producer from Ellen's show.
Based on how well your pre-interview goes,
the producer will select three of you to be interviewed
by Ellen on her set.
Ellen's studio audience will choose the winner.
Now, helping you through this process
is one of the most popular talk show guests ever...
- Miss Wanda Sykes! - [Applause]
Wanda Sykes, my hero. Ellen, my idol.
I mean, what more can I ask for?
Hi, everybody. I'm here to help you guys
get ready for Ellen.
I've done this several times,
the talk show circuit, especially on Ellen,
so I advise you to maybe listen.
So line up and bend over.
[Laughter]
What Wanda's trying to say is, "Let's get it started, baby."
- All right, right! - See you soon!
- Let's go. - [Applause]
So, for those of you who don't know,
a pre-interview is the process that you have to go through
with one of the producers of the show.
They need to know what you're gonna talk about,
if it's appropriate for their show,
if they think it's funny. They love stories.
They love if you tell them something that happened to you
that day. Remember, you're comedians.
You're going on to do comedy, but sitting down,
and making it a conversation.
But you have to be funny on the phone, all right?
I'll work with y'all one-on-one.
Can we just get real comfortable?
Get real comfortable. Get real comfortable.
Okay, that's too comfortable, Karlous.
Remember, it's day time, so stay away from, like,
toilet jokes, and stuff like that.
- Nothing in the butt. - Nothing in the butt.
- All right. - Let's stay away
from all things bodily fluids. Let's stay away from that.
- Human interest stories. - All right.
- Human interest, there you go. - Human interest stories.
- There you go. - Yeah, okay.
My wife and my children love Ellen.
She comes on in my household religiously,
so I'd be the man around my crib if I get on Ellen.
Get a lot of brownie points.
Hey, you know, I've been on the road a long time,
and every week, we do radio,
so I know you get in and out quick,
get to the joke right away, that's what... you know...
- Yeah. - I think it'll work, you know?
That's a good approach, except Ellen,
she really listens, unlike the radio guys.
[Laughs]
- You know. - Oh, okay.
- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, yeah... I know.
- I just told you my dog died! - [Laughs]
You know, "Hey, that was a crazy story.
All right, Rocky Laporte."
She likes gifts. Like, could you supply me
- a gift to take there? - You gotta do the pre-interview
first, and you're way ahead of yourself right now.
- But, just in case. - Just in case.
I'ma need a gift.
You're gonna bring her the gift of laughter.
So she's not gonna, like, ask me my story?
No, you're a comedian. You're going on to be funny.
So just think of it, "I'm doing a set sitting down."
Okay. And my dance moves?
When you get on this phone, she wants to know your material.
The mentoring that you gave me so far
has made me a better writer already.
- I have that "Zzzz." - Yes, you are.
You know, I should be a superhero.
- You really... - I need to be in a damn
superhero movie.
- But just like... just... - Yes, exactly, exactly.
Just something like that. That's all I need to do.
- Look. - [Electricity zaps]
Okay, time's up.
Lachlan, you're gonna go first.
- No, no "good luck"? No... - Oh, good luck, Lachlan.
- Who knows? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
Good luck, Lachlan!
Hi, Alyssa.
This is my first ever pre-interview,
and this is the first time in ten years
I've been on a home phone, so it's exciting.
- [Chuckles] - I took a hunting class.
We were learning how to, you know,
hunt different animals and how to track animals
by their animal poo.
So I had to learn all the different animal poo,
and what it... what kind of animal I was hunting.
Probably inappropriate for television.
I was in foster care for, like, 15 years.
Yeah, I moved around a lot. I was, like, the only kid
that came to school with luggage.
My dad, I don't really talk to him,
but he keeps trying to, like, friend me on Facebook,
and play Pet Rescue.
Oh, like, we could have played catch,
we could have got this out of the way
a long time ago.
I don't want to be a cyber-son.
[Laughs]
I like to do characters, so if there's a way
I can squeeze in a character here and there, you know...
[In heavy accent]: I think what happened, maybe somebody
very strong made your wife... she come in,
she flushing too hard. I... is very expensive.
You know, those old movies where they would dub 'em,
and like, "Heh heh, you killed my teacher, you bastard.
- Heh, heh, heh, heh." - "Eh, boss, eh."
Hello, how are you? Yes.
I sold fried chicken, I was excellent at that.
_
Oh, you want to hear the joke? Oh, okay.
The rules were impossible to follow,
so I guess you could say I got fired from that job
for eatin' the garbage. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm looking for the diet where, like,
you know, maybe some diet pajamas,
where I could just, like, sleep, and they will do their thing,
you know what I'm saying, while I don't have to do nothin'.
- I have a lot of dislikes. I really hate flip-flops.
- [Laughs] - I'm always looking for a job,
so if y'all need somebody to come over there
and do somethin', write some jokes...
Uh-huh. Take some pictures, gab,
whatever y'all need. I'm always looking
for chances to advance my employment.
There was this girl that I... I really liked her, you know,
and I was trying to act all slick, and I went
to lean on my car, and the window was open,
and my hand went through the window, and my...
My head bounced off the car.
And now, like, it's hard to pick up people
when your head's bleeding, you know?
- [Laughing] - It's not real attractive.
I don't like the "have a penny, leave a penny" thing,
'cause I had experience with a lady, uh, I...
My bill was $5.06, and she told me
that I can't get six pennies
out the "have penny, leave a penny" thing,
'cause that's too many. And I told her,
"ma'am, I've left a lot of pennies,
"all throughout the country, so I know I have at least
saved up, uh, six pennies." So yeah, so, uh,
different stuff like that.
You ever seen the movie Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins?
- [Laughs]. - _
Yeah, huh?
Most jobs I just couldn't be, 'cause I'm too sarcastic.
Like, I could never be a hostage negotiator.
I'd be like, "hey, let's, uh, switch it up,
send out the men first." You know?
I just couldn't do that. That would never go well.
I come up with an invention every morning.
Like, for instance, this morning was
a bicycle-powered washing machine,
and yesterday's was a Swiss army shirt.
Now, you're like, "what's a Swiss army shirt?"
It's a regular shirt, with a corkscrew attached.
Was that okay?
- Yeah. - Okay.
It was just a different energy.
I'm like, "who is this guy?" You know.
Oh, yeah, I get nervous. I haven't been sleeping well.
I haven't been eating, I... Ah, so, I feel a little, uh,
loopy, and when I'm loopy, I get silly and quick.
Okay. Well, go get a nap
- or something, man, geez. - That's what I'm gonna do.
- Uh... - All right.
- Thank you very much. - Thanks, Joe.
[Laughs]
- Good job, guys. - Thank you, thank you.
- [Applause] - Nice.
- Thank you. - Wanda, thank you
for all your help today, as always.
You are the best, and we'll see you soon
- at the Ellen show. - All right.
- Okay. - [Applause]
- I'll see three of you there. - Wanda Sykes!
So I bet you're all wondering who made the cut.
The good news is, three of you are definitely
going to be interviewed by Ellen.
- Bad news is... - [Evil laugh]
You gonna have to wait
a little longer to find out who it will be.
Good job today, guys.
Go have some fun, and I'll see you soon.
- [Evil laugh] - I'm in your head.
- You just gonna leave? - [Laughs]
- I'm in your head. - Oh, look, now you're just
gonna leave... Who on the show?
Come on, man.
- [Evil laugh] - [Laughter]
Narrator: Coming up, find out who will be
making their debut on the Ellen DeGeneres show.
Ellen, let's get this thing started.
Let's do it.
Narrator: And later, the punch lines are flying
in the stand-up showdown.
They say if you both make it this far,
you've won, and that's complete bull[Bleep].
[Laughter]
This your boy, J.B. Smoove.
I'm at the hotel where the comedians are staying at.
I'ma go up here and knock on some doors
- and give them some information. - [Laughs]
- [Tapping on door] - Housekeeping, housekeeping?
Rise and shine, baby! You know what today is.
Come on, now! Everybody downstairs, man.
We got business to take care of.
- [Tapping on door] - Housekeeping, please?
Housekeeping, please!
I need everybody downstairs in the conference room.
Housekeeping, Sir.
- Hey. - What's up?
Hold on for a minute, hold on. Let me put my shirt on.
Housekeeping, please.
- I need you to get up, okay? - You know what?
I need you to pull those gang colors off,
and I need you to come on downstairs
to the conference room, okay?
Everybody have a seat, please.
So here's the deal. The Ellen team has carefully
considered your pre-interviews.
First comic invited as Ellen's guest is...
Monroe Martin.
- Whoo! - [Applause]
Once I heard J.B. say my name,
I got excited because I finally get the opportunity
to debut my dance, called "The ski."
I'ma dance like there's no tomorrow.
The second comedian invited as Ellen's guest is...
- Rod Man. - Ah!
- Yay, yay, yay, yay. - [Applause]
I was charming, funny, myself.
I got on, I got on.
So the third comic and final comic
invited to be Ellen's guest is...
Nikki Carr.
- Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! - [Laughter and applause]
Whoo!
I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm going.
I'm going, I'm going to... I'm going to Ellen, ah!
- Even if I don't win the challenge, I won. - [Laughs]
Congratulations to each of you.
You'll be going over to Ellen's show in a few minutes.
Remember, one of you guys will be named the winner
and will receive immunity for the next head-to-head vote.
It all depends if you are ready for the big time.
So get ready, everybody.
I'll see you soon.
We got the party van! We got the party van.
- [Shudders] - We're getting close.
- [Chuckles] - Don't think about it.
- Hey, don't start that... - [Shudders]
Shaking thing you do, you know.
[Both yelling and giggling]
You wear a suit, you got to act like you belong.
This right here is important. You gotta be able to do that.
- [Grunts] - Can I cross my legs? No.
The moment I go to lift them up, and then cross them,
I lose circulation on one leg.
I got the body of Mrs. Butterworth.
Now, you come with the left leg.
It's supposed to be the right over the left.
- It's the right? - Yeah.
I don't know, ready?
I don't feel comfortable.
You can't do it, then.
[Cheers and applause]
- All: Hey. - How you doin'?
- Wanda. - Good, good, good, good, good.
- You're sharp, you're sharp. - Oh, yeah.
- Look at you, look at you. - You, you all look great.
- Congratulations. - All: Thank you.
You made it here.
The information that you guys went over
during the pre-interview, Ellen is just gonna
work that in into interviews, so just listen.
- Make sure you listen. - Okay.
Just have fun. Relaxed, comfortable,
- stay loose... - All right.
Be funny, of course.
My strategy is to have as much fun as possible.
I'ma do the ski. I'm gonna introduce the ski.
It's gonna be on network television.
Just don't take up too much time on your dance,
and then you don't have time for your interview.
- Oh, you're right. - It's not soul train,
it's Last Comic Standing.
[Tony! Toni! Tone!'S feels good]
♪ It feels good ♪
♪ oh, it feels good ♪
♪ ♪
♪ it feels good ♪
[Cheering and applause]
♪ Sure feels good to me ♪
♪ if the rhythm feels good to you, baby ♪
♪ let me hear you sing ♪
♪ oh, it feels good ♪
All: One, two, three, Last Comic Standing.
- All right. - Thank you, aunt Wanda.
We got a whole new season of Last Comic Standing,
and one of the challenges is about to happen
right here and right now on this very stage.
Ellen will interview three of the finalists.
All three of them have been mentored and prepped
for these interviews by expert talk show guest,
the one and only Wanda Sykes, y'all!
- Wanda Sykes! - [Cheers and applause]
After Ellen has interviewed all three comics,
you guys in this audience will pick the winner
of the challenge. How 'bout that?
[Cheers and applause]
Ellen, let's get this thing started.
- Let's do it. - Let's do it, baby.
- Let's do it, y'all! - All right!
[Cheers and applause]
Our first guest is one of the finalists
on this season of NBC's Last Comic Standing.
From Brooklyn, New York, please welcome Monroe Martin.
♪- Oh, it feels good♪ - [Cheers and applause]
♪ Yeah, it feels good ♪
♪ ♪
Okay, that's enough ski.
♪ Good ♪
♪ sure feels good to me ♪
♪ baby, let me hear you sing ♪
- Hi, Monroe, how are you? - Hey, how are you?
- How you doin'? - Have a seat.
[Cheers and applause]
All right, well, that's all your time.
- That's... yeah, yeah. - I know, I gotta go, I gotta...
This is your first talk show, right?
- Yeah. - And how do you feel
- about it so far? - I'm excited.
I get to see all these faces right here.
I know they don't know who I am, but...
- [Laughter] - Doesn't matter.
- That's all right. - I'm selfish.
- Well, you do the same thing doing stand-up.
When you're doing stand-up, you see these faces, right?
Eh, less. Maybe, like, four, four faces?
Yeah, I see. You're playing... you're playing
- really small venues. - In a New York basement.
- Yeah, exactly. - [Laughs]
How did you get into comedy?
I got into comedy 'cause I was a foster kid growing up.
- Mm-hmm. - Most people don't know
what foster care is, so I always have to tell 'em.
I tell 'em, "foster care is a program
"where they take children from homes
"where they've been abused and neglected.
"They take 'em out of that environment,
and place them in the same exact environment."
[Laughter]
And was there a certain point that you knew
- you wanted to do stand-up? - Yeah.
This is kind of embarrassing to the person who,
like, inspired me.
Me and my foster mom used to watch this show
called Coming to The Stage. It was the black version
of this show, Last Comic Standing,
so it means it didn't have any sponsors.
- Uh- huh. - [Laughter]
I used to watch the show, and there was a comic on there,
and I just fell in love with him.
He was so personable, he was funny,
and I was like, "I want to be that guy, he's amazing."
One day, the trash truck went by,
and that comic that I used to watch on TV
was on the back of that trash truck.
- [Laughs] - And I got excited,
but I didn't know you can't do that to a person.
I was like, "Yo, yo! Like, I'm a huge fan."
He was like, "yeah, keep... keep moving."
- [Laughs] - Well, hopefully, you exceed
- that guy, because... - I did, I already did.
Yeah, already, already. Well, good luck to you,
and thanks for being here, Monroe.
- Oh, thank you, appreciate it. - Thank you so much!
[Cheers and applause]
I told him, I said, "you can do the ski,
but you're eating up your comedy time."
[Applause]
Narrator: Coming up, Nikki fulfills her life's dream.
This is my very, very first talk show.
- And... - So glad it's with you!
Narrator: And Rod Man tries to dance his way
- into Ellen's heart. - He can't dance.
Narrator: And then, it's time for the stand-up showdown.
Two comics will enter the comic dome,
but only one will survive.
I gotta hear the crowd,
- see the people... - Yeah.
- Meet Ellen, or... - [Groans]
It's going down.
- [Cheers and applause] - Our second guest
is one of the finalists on this season
of NBC's Last Comic Standing.
From the Bronx, New York, please welcome Nikki Carr.
♪ It feels good ♪
♪ yeah ♪
- [Cheering] - She's so happy.
- How are you? - Hello, Ellen.
- Hi, Nikki. - Unbelievable!
[Cheers and applause]
- Look at me! - Hi, Nikki.
And I assume this is also your first talk show?
This is my very, very first talk show.
- And... - So glad it's with you!
Oh, well, thank you so much. And so you're doin' stand-up.
but what... do you also have another job,
- or what have you been doing? - Stand-up is it!
- This is it? - I don't need another job.
- This one is so easy! - Uh-huh.
- [Laughs] - There's only two rules:
- Be yourself... - Uhhuh.
And have a good time. And people keep
- paying me for that. - Well,
as long as they keep paying you, that's all...
- It's unbelievable! - - That's all you have to...
And how long have you been doing stand-up?
- 17 years. - Wow!
- Yes. - So it does work out for you.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
[Applause]
You're doing great, and obviously, to be doing it
for 17 years, and I heard that you have grandchildren.
- I have four grandchildren. - How old are they?
They are ranging from age five to age two.
- Wow, wow. - Yeah.
And how is that for you, to have grandchildren?
That is awesome. I am so proud.
I have friends that have grandchildren, you know,
and they don't want their grandchildren
calling them "grandma," 'cause they feel like
- they look too good. - Uh-huh.
I ignore my grandchildren in public,
until someone notices that I... am being called "grandma."
- Really? - Yeah!
- You like it. - I love it.
- Why is that? - Because I look great!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
[Applause]
And how do you continue to look so great?
Well, you know, I-I-I got my face all together,
if I could just get the body, you know,
if I could get the body together, you know?
I've been trying a lot of different diets,
but they all want you to "work out."
- You know? Like... - Uh-huh.
- [Laughter] - That's a lot of work.
- Yeah. - What kind of diet...
Either we diet, or we work out.
Listen! "What kind of diet?"
- You know? - No?
Yeah, I don't even bend my legs to put my shoes on.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
No, I open 'em up real wide, throw 'em on the floor,
and then dance in 'em till I get 'em all the way on,
- you know? - [Laughter]
That was good. Did all right.
Good luck. Thanks for being here.
- Okay, thank you. - All right, thanks.
[Cheers and applause]
Our last guest is originally from Villa Rica, Georgia.
Please welcome Rod Man.
♪ It feels good ♪
♪ yeah, it feels good ♪
- [Laughing] - He can't dance.
♪ Oh, it feels good ♪
All right.
♪ It feels good ♪
- Ah. - Ah, how are you?
- I'm good. - And did I say the name
- of your town pr... properly? - It's Villa Rica, yeah.
I see. How small is it, is it small?
Uh, it's about three, four stoplights.
Walmart just came about five years ago,
so they growin'. It's growin', yeah.
- Okay, good, good. - Yeah, it's growing.
And are you still living there?
Uh, no, I escaped, I escaped.
- Uh-huh, okay. - Yeah, yeah.
Everybody don't escape, but I'm here today,
so yeah, I've been in California, you know,
enjoying the weather, you know, but people...
Southern people are a little nicer than Californians,
you know, 'cause I let people in traffic...
People, I let you in traffic,
and people will just ride off like I didn't make that happen,
you know I let you into traffic, I...
I'ma need the hand,
- I'ma need the hand. - Uh-huh.
- That's all I'm saying. - I feel the same way.
- Don't you feel the same way? - Just acknowledge.
- Just acknowledgement. - Yeah.
- That's all I'm looking for. - Right.
This is your first talk show as well.
This is my first talk show. I gotta say, uh, my wife...
I'ma get a lot of brownie points at home,
'cause my wife loves your show.
She been botherin' me for years,
trying to get tickets from you, like I know you personally.
I don't know you at all. We just... met today.
I'm like, "babe, I ain't at that level in entertainment,
where I can just call Ellen and we can make that happen," so...
- [Laughs]: Right. - She been writing in,
and sent a video last year. I don't know where that's at,
but I hope you never find it, that's what I do hope.
- [Laughter] - That's what I do hope, yeah.
- There's no reason to find it. - What's the video of?
Uh, it's us on a boat in long beach.
- Uh-huh. - [Laughter]
- I... no. - Makes no sense,
but she sent it in, I don't know why, yeah.
Okay, well, you made it on, so that's good.
- So now... yeah. - There we go, we on the boat.
- Yeah, yeah. - [Laughter]
- On the Ellen boat. - And you have...
You're on the Ellen boat... You have two daughters.
- I do have two daughters, uh... - How old are they,
- and what are they into? - The nine y.o.,
she's a little mama, you know, she loves baby dolls.
That's her thing. She got...
I got baby dolls all over the house.
She's not a good mama at all.
- Not at all, just... - No?
- Yeah, naked babies everywhere. - Oh.
Yeah, I bought a "Baby Alive."
I don't know if you've ever heard of the "Baby Alive..."
- Mm-hm. - But, uh, bought her that.
Come with two pack of food, uh, two pampers.
So I told her, I said, "you know, you a single mama
- "uh... - [laughter]
"Take your time on this food and pampers,
'cause you don't know when you gonna be able to get some more."
- [Laughing]: Right. - But she didn't listen
to the message, fed the baby, stuffed the baby,
changed the baby pamper, end of the night, baby just naked.
She bringing the baby to me, like "daddy, daddy,
"what I'm gonna do? My baby needs some clothes,
- my baby needs some food!" - And I say, "hey, I'm not
"your 'Baby Alive' baby daddy. I don't know what you gonna do,
- 'cause it ain't... - [laughter]
It's not my baby. It is not my baby."
Yeah, I said, "hey, well, maybe we can go get you on some
"public assistance or something. I don't know what we gonna do,
- "but I'm... yeah. - [Laughter]
You not gonna stress me out about this baby."
- Oh. - "It's not my baby."
So, yeah. Oh, good job, Rod.
- Good job. - [Laughs]: Thank you.
That's Rod Man, everybody.
Thank you, thank you.
[Cheers and applause]
One more round of applause for Ellen!
[Cheers and applause]
Thanks for being here. You're gonna vote,
and, uh... and, uh, vote... vote well.
Think hard on who you want to see win.
Thanks very much, and see you again, bye.
[Cheers and applause]
Time for you to vote for the comic
you thought was the best guest.
Number one, Monroe Martin,
number two, Nikki Carr,
or comic number three, Rod Man.
Whew. Oh, it's gonna be close.
Narrator: Coming up, the ballots are tallied.
The winner is...
Narrator: And then, the stand-up battle begins.
Tonight, two comics will enter the comedy dome,
but only one will survive.
It's a paddle boat.
It's a paddle boat, but I'm on it.
- It's a paddle boat. - It's a paddle boat,
- but I'm on it. - [Laughs]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing!
The results of the audience votes are in...
And the winner is...
Rod Man!
[Cheering and applause]
I'm feeling awesome.
I'm gonna use a white-man word. I feel awesome.
We went out there, talked to Ellen...
Everybody did great, but I feel the crowd
responded to what I had to say.
My man! Congratulations!
You were the audience favorite, and you will have immunity
in the next head-to-head vote!
Right now, it's time for our second
head-to-head elimination vote.
I think I'm just gonna go out there
and ask everybody for $10, and then the guy
that don't give it to me, "look, you're gettin' it.
- I'm voting for you." - [Laughs]
The person with the most votes will have to perform tonight,
and will select one opponent.
Our judges, Russell, Keenan, and Roseanne,
will pick the winner.
- The loser... - [laughs]
Will go home.
Since Rod Man won the challenge, you cannot vote for him,
- but he can vote for you. - Ah.
Rod Man, you get to vote first.
Go upstairs and get your booth on.
Get your booth on. Get your booth on.
I'ma get my booth on. I'ma get my booth on.
So... who am I gonna vote for this week?
I was gonna go with Monroe, 'cause I'm sick of hearing...
Hearing him complain about his tight jeans all day long.
Here we go with this.
Yeah, somebody smell like corn chips and vinegar.
- [Humming] - I'm putting names in a hat,
and I'm picking it out.
Boom!
I made a game within a game. Inception.
Okay, everyone has voted.
Let's see who's up for elimination.
Since I have immunity, and I want to see
some good comedy, and he voted against me,
he stabbed me in the back with Canadian bacon.
- [Laughs] - I think I'm funnier
than Lachlan Patterson.
That's one vote...
- I'll take that. - For Lachlan Patterson.
We're gonna keep going, y'all.
It's not because you're bald on top,
or 'cause you're kind of short.
I think that I am funnier... Than Rocky Laporte.
- Holy cow. - And the beat goes on.
Let's see here, just don't wanna get in my head
about who to pick. Lachlan.
And, uh...
- Lachlan. - Oh, my God.
Do you feel this? Something's happening.
I think I am funnier than Karlous.
- [Laughs] - That's hilarious!
You know you're not funnier than me, get out of here!
- I'm voting for Rocky. - All right.
It's starting to become a game now.
I think I'm gonna go with Lachlan.
If we go up there together, head-to-head,
it's gonna be a good show.
I think I'm funnier than Lachlan Patterson.
So there it is, Lachlan, you have the most votes.
I'm sorry, man. Tonight, you will be performing
in the head-to-head. My man.
You are going to choose your opponent.
Who do you want to face?
Rod Man has immunity, you cannot even look his direction.
You can only choose from among the people
who cast a vote against you.
D.C. Benny, Monroe Martin, Joe Machi, Rocky Laporte.
Who are you gonna choose?
D.C. you're right,
it would be a great show,
and I think that's what everyone wants,
so let's give 'em a good show.
- All right. - Whoo! Okay.
It's all set. Lachlan Patterson
will go against D.C. Benny in the head-to-head.
We'll see you all at the comedy store,
barring L.A. traffic, that is.
- [Laughs] - Be careful.
[Horns honking]
[Cheers and applause]
I am ready to get onstage.
This is gonna force me to bring my "A" game tonight.
That's what these judges want.
- Keenen. - What's going on?
Lachlan and D.C. both have been through a lot.
They had their challenges earlier,
they're gonna have to rise to the occasion.
I'm curious to see who's gonna bring it.
This is just any other night. Don't compete.
- Yeah. - Go perform for the audience.
That's it. Whatever you do in front of them
is going to get you to the next level.
This is a big room, and it goes deep in the back.
Play the front of the stage. Not the edge, but to the front.
'Cause the deeper you go back, is just gonna psychologically
distance you from the audience, you know?
- All right. - Thank you.
- All right. - Have a good show, Bro.
- All right. - Have a good show, man.
- Thanks, dude. - All right.
- Appreciate it. - Yep.
Let's make it tough for 'em.
Yeah, absolutely.
That was Keenen Ivory Wayans, dude.
I know, man!
That was actually very usable advice, man.
Welcome to Last Comic Standing!
- I'm your boy, J.B. Smoove... - [Cheers and applause]
And we are here for our second face-to-face, head-to-head,
comedy showdown. What's up?
[Cheers and applause]
Tonight, two comics will enter the comedy dome,
but only one will survive.
Let's say hi to our judges. Please give it up
for Keenen Ivory Wayans!
[Cheers and applause]
That's Russell Peters!
[Cheers and applause]
And call her "Queen Roseanne," and that is Roseanne!
[Cheers and applause]
Give it up for D.C. Benny, baby.
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, everybody.
I'm just getting used to L.A.
I live in Brooklyn, New York.
My wife had been complaining before I left about our...
About our sex life.
You know, we've been together a while,
she's like, "you gotta do some new stuff," right?
"You gotta do some new stuff, get some literature."
So I pick up a National Geographic.
There's an article about Japan, about the Sushi,
the eel, the unagi, and if you eat enough of it,
it's supposed to give you wood for, like, three days.
It's got this picture of this Japanese guy,
- like, "unagi. - [Laughs]
Unagi good!"
One guy had, like, 30 kids. "I make all those, one night.
- Pow, unagi." - [Imitating Japanese]
So I'm like, all right, I gotta try this stuff.
So in the supermarket where we live,
there's a little Sushi corner.
So I go in there one day, the chef is standing there,
[imitates Japanese].
I'm like, "what's up with the unagi?"
He's like, "unagi. Unagi good.
"Make Johnson hard, like a samurai sword!
"You can... you can freak-a-deak all night.
Woman no more talk smack. Unagi, power!"
[Imitates Japanese]
So I'm like, "well how much unagi do you need?"
"One unagi, this a good power. Two unagi, lot of power."
So I'm like, "give me 20 unagis, in the bag, right now."
I go home, I eat 'em all.
Everything's like, "bam." I'm trying to bend it down,
I'm wrestling with it... "Unagi power, unagi power!"
Knocking over shampoo and conditioner,
- "unagi... unagi power! - [Imitates Japanese]"
But it wouldn't go down, it wouldn't go down,
so I was a little nervous, so I'm like,
a half hour goes by, nothing.
45 minutes, I got the vein popping out of my head,
I look like the Shining. "Unagi power, unagi! Red rum!"
And I'm so focused, I don't hear my wife
come home early from work. She opens the door,
she's like, "look, I don't know what's wrong with you.
"You're sweating, you're talking like a troll,
you got purple blotches all over your face."
She's like, "you probably got food poisoning.
We'd better get you to the emergency room."
We get to the emergency room,
there are people with gunshot wounds.
I have an erection that won't go away,
and I'm trying to explain. She's like, "what exactly?"
I'm like, "unagi." She's like, "what..."
I'm like, "the power!" She's like,
"what are you talking about?" "You have pretty mouth.
Um...
The unagi took over.
So I get a shot, it goes down.
I'm like, "I will never, ever eat Sushi again."
Well, two weeks later, my wife takes this yoga class
in a hot room. I don't know what that's called,
but it's the hot room, and she does some move
and blows out her neck, and has to wear a neck brace.
So we're walking through the neighborhood,
she's like, "let's go
into the grocery store and get some stuff."
I'm like, "I'm not going in there, the guy's in there."
"Ah, don't worry about it, he got fired."
"Okay, cool." We walk in there,
he didn't get fired. He sees her in the neck brace,
limping, he's like, "unagi! Power!
No more talk smack!"
I'm D.C. Benny, guys. Good night.
[Cheers and applause]
Well, I want to know more about that unagi.
- [Laughter] - That's like a t-shirt.
"Unagi power!"
I thought Benny... Benny, I thought you did a great job.
I was very surprised. Each time you come out,
you show us a different side to you.
I didn't know you did that many characters and voices,
so it was really fun to see.
I think the wife story was so much you were trying
to get into such a short period of time,
we kind of missed a few of the setups,
but it seemed like the jokes all played anyway.
So like I said, it felt a little rushed,
but overall, I thought you did a great job.
- Thank you, man, thank you. - [Applause]
You impressed the hell out of me.
Those impressions are dead-on every time,
and when the impressions are that solid,
you can picture everything way more vividly.
I like that, you know, you hid [Bleep] jokes in a Sushi roll,
and that's nothing to be scoffed at.
- My hat goes off to you. - [Laughs]
Thank you, brother. Thank you.
I think you had a lot of lulls,
you know, and I'd like to kind of slap you,
because I'd be like, "I wish you had
wanted it a little bit more."
You're really funny. I like your voices.
I think it felt a little rushed.
I wish you would have changed up the material a little bit,
you know, a little bit more variety on your material,
especially in the middle.
But you did good.
[Cheers and applause]
I did my thing and the crowd liked it.
You know, people were shouting stuff to me as I was walking by,
and it was cool.
Narrator: Coming up, Lachlan Patterson comes clean
to remain in the competition.
The other day, I was trying to go to Wikipedia,
and my finger slipped, and I accidently typed in,
- "ultimate breast bonanza." - [Laughter]
- [Cheers and applause] - What's up?
This comic coming to the stage
has laid it out on the line every time.
I'm just thinking about getting that mic
out of the stand. I've told the jokes before
and feel pretty good about my set.
Give it up for my man, Lachlan Patterson!
[Cheers and applause]
All right.
I... maybe I'm old fashioned,
but I don't trust the Internet, man.
It's getting too big. A little too big.
It's too... it's so big now that when you try
to type in a website, if you make a spelling mistake,
that's still a website, bro.
Like the other day, I was trying to go to Wikipedia.
Just trying to type in "Wikipedia,"
and my finger slipped, and I accidentally typed in,
"ultimate breast bonanza."
[Laughter]
Oh, my goodness. I was up for several hours,
trying to find Wikipedia...
With my pants off.
It's too big, man. Remember the old days,
when you used to be able to make up a password
and the Internet was like, "hey, that sounds like a dandy.
Why don't you go with that first one you thought of?"
Now, it just insults you as you're trying to type it.
"Weak! Ugh, you're an idiot.
"Why don't you throw a few numbers in there
so you forget it in the morning?"
Oh, is that what I'm supposed to do?
Now, I got over 14 passwords floating around the Internet.
I have no idea what goes with what.
After, like, six tries, I'm like, "oh, well,
guess I'm not banking with chase anymore."
Check out that whole Wells Fargo trend.
Don't click "forgot password." That doesn't help.
You click "forgot password," that'll just send you
down a wormhole of personal questions
you don't remember the answers to.
Ugh! Son of a beach blanket!
"What's wrong?" "Oh, they're gonna
"shut off my cable if I can't remember
"my mother's second favorite kindergarten subject.
Was it handwriting? Laundry?"
You ever enter the password wrong too many times,
and the account just locks you out?
Like, "hey, why don't you take a couple of days
off the Internet? Maybe go read a book."
I don't want to read a book. Books are for prisoners.
Now, someone gives you a book, it's like,
do you have any idea what I could be doing right now?
There's a two-minute video online of a grizzly bear
playing the trumpet on a segway.
What page in your 300-page book does that happen?
You can buy a live animal online now.
That's how big the Internet is.
You can go on one of those animal shelter websites,
and they have little pictures of animals in cages,
and a "add to cart" button next to it.
Got little pet profiles.
Right next to the picture, they got a little paragraph
about what they think the animal's trying to tell you.
Hi, my name's Mister Bubbles.
I'm a 14-year-old female tabby,
and I don't like kids.
Kids make me a little skittish.
I like a quiet house. I like a really quiet house.
I like to get outside every once in a while,
get to see some sunshine.
I'm just saying, if that was my ad,
it'd probably sound more like,
hi, my name's whatever the hell you want it to be.
I can find my own food. Don't worry about it.
You could feed me Nyquil, duct-tape a stick to me,
and call me "swiffer," just...
Get me the hell out of here.
[Laughter and applause]
Thank you very much, folks.
[Cheers and applause]
That was Lachlan Patterson right here!
[Cheers and applause]
Judges, you've seen Lachlan several times now.
Roseanne, did you see anything different?
I think that you have more confidence this time.
- Oh, thank you. - Can I ask... here's what
I really want to ask, how do you think you did?
I think I did good. I had more,
but I learned to leave on a big laugh.
- [Laughter] - Smart.
So I left before I added all sorts of fun to it.
Sorry, guys. You can buy my CD online.
[Cheers and applause]
I think you did real well too.
I love your material and your point of view,
- and I think you did great. - Thank you.
[Cheers and applause]
I liked watching. You make me laugh.
You can buy his CD at "ultimatebreastbonanza.com."
- Yeah. - [Laughter]
You spoke about things that, you know,
we all have problems with nowadays,
and for us octogenarians up here.
We often forget our passwords.
I thought you had a great set,
and I liked the way you approached it.
Thank you very much, Russell.
[Applause]
You have such a funny take on the most mundane things,
and that's what makes it funny to watch.
You almost giggled through the whole set,
- you know? - Yeah.
Just, like, losing your password
is enough to make you laugh,
'cause we've all been in that situation,
and it's not something I see other comedians talking about.
- Thank you. - [Cheers and applause]
One more time, everybody, for Lachlan Patterson!
[Cheers and applause]
I did that set as best as I think I could.
Hopefully, the other comics got to see
a little bit of what I can do. Not just a pretty face.
[Cheers and applause]
Just saw two comics go at it.
Judges, please take this time to deliberate.
I thought he was charming, you know?
- Me too. - I thought he was confident.
- Mm-hmm. - I thought he was consistent.
- That's a tough one. - Real tough.
[Cheers and applause]
All right, the judges have made their decision.
One of these comics will be saved and remain
in the running for $250,000, an NBC development deal,
and the title of Last Comic Standing!
[Cheers and applause]
And the other... is toast.
Judges, any final thoughts about these two comics?
Well, you know what they say, if you both make it this far,
you've won, and that's complete bull[Bleep].
[Laughter]
Because one's going home and one's going on.
It's tough. It was a tough decision,
and we had to go line-by-line, pretty much.
- Sure. - Yes.
[Applause]
Now, I know you guys have made your decision,
because I have the decision in my hand right here.
The winner of tonight's head-to-head performance show...
Is...
- Lachlan Patterson! - [Cheers and applause]
Good luck, man.
I'm very happy that I won, but I got work to do.
This ain't over.
- Good job, buddy, good job. - [Cheers and applause]
Give it up for D.C. Benny one more time, everybody.
[Cheers and applause]
Coming back to Brooklyn.
I'm not disappointed. I did what I came to do.
I went further than I thought I was gonna go.
I hung out with some really good people,
had some good laughs, and it was a positive experience.
Good night! You get home safe!
- Synced and corrected by Retrojex - - www.addic7ed.com -
Narrator: D.C. Benny is not done.
He goes on to the online comic comeback competition,
where he'll be facing last week's winner,
Alingon Mitra.
Go to nbc.com to watch his new set and vote.
Next week, expect the unexpected,
as our seven finalists have to think fast and improvise.
- Get out of there! - [Screams]
[People yelling and screaming]
[Laughter]
Narrator: And who better to help the comics
prepare for the unknown than a guest mentor
- with spontaneity to spare? - Howie!
Narrator: The always hilarious Howie Mandel.
No prep, and that's the point.
Incidentally, ladies, this is what happens
when you put G-Tips in the toilet, okay?
- So... - [Laughter]
Narrator: And then, the most exciting standup showdown
in Last Comic history.
This is sudden death.
Narrator: Two comics put on an unforgettable show
that left our judges in awe.
I mean, I'm like... I'm blown away.
Narrator: And will leave you wanting more.
- Not gonna believe this. - Now what do we do?
Narrator: It's a showdown so epic, so funny
that you'll have to see it to believe it.