Cheer up, old Jean, Hagrid here to see you right.
Oh, I love him.
A few of my mates are going travelling.
I might go with them.
Oh, right.
What's going on with you and Jean then?
Oh, its going brilliant, mate.
Do you think you're going to break up?
I've got no money, no job, no woman, no car.
And my son's going away.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Wogan doesn't need ballistics.
He'll be coming at you with the old conventional knife.
Ah, the flames of war.
Up and over she goes and the inevitability of death by Wogan.
Ah!
Oh, shit!
The common black ant,
it goes about its business industriously
and unquestioningly.
The day started out like any other ordinary day
for soldier ant 77719QX, until a big finger came out
of the sky, like the old lottery adverts, and killed him.
Oh, shit, I feel bad now.
Maybe I'll put a tiny piece of sugar for the others, by way of an apology.
Jean! We've got ants down here.
Need to get some poison!
We've got ants living in the broadband router.
It's not that bad.
I've just dumped Neil.
Jean's dumped me.
I've just heard. She did it by card?
It's tiny.
No, it's from the flowers.
Customers had a whip round, they're very supportive over my break up.
News is it? I've had some bad news.
Yeah?
I've been dumped.
Sorry to hear that, mate. Chin up.
Wouldn't get that human touch if he got his news online.
You all right?
Nah. I'm living on the edge, Mart. I'm being very self-destructive.
Why, what are you doing?
I cleaned my teeth from the hot tap this morning, by accident.
But when I realised I didn't stop.
Shit, Neil, you need to look after yourself in times like these.
You know Silica Gel, "Do not eat"?
Yeah. Well, I ate some.
Bloody hell, Neil. Had chicken for dinner last night,
did I cook it till the juices ran clear? Did I fuck!
So, did she say why?
Not in so many words, but I know why.
She told me it was because
you make her paranoid with all your worries and that.
It's not that.
It's because various chemicals in our environment are turning me
into a woman.
Right. Look, because of all the horror stories about dairy, I started having soya milk,
then I find out soya milk acts just like oestrogen.
Right. Now that, in combination with the tap water I make my tea with,
which is full of female hormones because of everyone's contraception getting into the water supply,
every time I was having a cuppa I was getting a massive dose
of ladies' sex chemicals. Look. I'm changing.
I don't think you are, Neil, that's just our age, it's just fat.
You saying I'm fat?
No, look, it's not hormonal.
I know I've let myself go with the break up but I'm just a bit bloated.
You're not fat, mate, don't get upset.
Sorry, I'm pretty emotional.
I get like this in the middle of the month.
Where did you read all of this?
Online. Saved the articles and put them on my Pinterest.
You've got Pinterest? Maybe there is something in this.
Listen, I'll make you a nice cup of tea.
With bottled water.
That'd be lovely, I'm parched.
All right, mate? All right, Neil? I heard you've got woman problems.
What? Well, you got dumped, didn't you?
Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm in a living hell.
Is there anything I can do?
Just hold the ones you love a little closer tonight,
because things can change in a heart beat.
Milkin' it.
Martin, I'm in turmoil!
No, I said milk in it? Do you want milk in your tea? Oh, yeah.
Well, I hope you're enjoying the house.
No wild parties though, eh?
Don't trash the place, it's your nest egg.
And you're keeping it tidy, I hope.
Anyway, by now I reckon you and Martin are in Hollywood
and you're a big agent chomping on a cigar, ha.
But, seriously though, Steven, I hope you're taking care of each other.
And I hope his golf's improved.
Anyway, I'd better go because that'll be you getting in, which is
really weird because I'm talking to you now.
Always slam that door, how many times do I have to tell you, eh?!
Neil misses you.
I'm going out with him
and his little boy later, cheer him up, do you want to come?
You're going out with him?
Martin, you're meant to be loyal to me.
Oh, don't make me pick sides. I'm only going to the shops.
Maybe you should give some CVs out while you're there.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm waiting to hear from the job centre.
I just think you need to pull your socks up a bit.
My socks are pulled up. You should pull your socks up.
My socks are pulled right up, Martin.
All right, both our socks are pulled up,
let's not going around pulling each others socks down.
I was only saying you should pull your finger out a bit.
My finger is pulled out!
So is mine!
Pull your finger out of my socks.
I was only saying that maybe you should buck your ideas up a bit.
My ideas are bucked up, at least I have ideas.
I've got loads of ideas and one of them
is to turn your flat into a meditation space.
Well, maybe you should sort the ant infestation out.
First it floods and then we've got ants,
it's like the Bible down here, you're lucky I'm still paying rent!
Well, you won't be able to for much longer.
How much money have you got left?
I'm trying to get a job, and I will get a job.
Where you going? Out!
Don't do anything silly I'm not going to do anything silly.
I'm going to build-a-Ted workshop with my friend.
Can I borrow the car?
Yes.
Can I borrow some socks?
I can smell Jean.
How much do these bears cost?
They start at eight quid, but you can pimp them up with extras and stuff.
Right, this will be fun won't it Mason? Yeah!
Am I paranoid or are people staring at us?
Do you want me to answer that?
They must think we're gay parents.
The car probably didn't help.
Weeeeeeeeee!
Careful. Have you got the strap on?
Yes, chill out.
People will think we're a gay couple if you keep asking me
if I've got a strap on.
If we're gay why do we need a strap on?
I suppose, unless one of us can't get it up.
Jean's got a big mouth, it's my bloody oestrogen levels!
Maybe I should give my bear to Jean, to say sorry,
we had a row earlier. We never row.
No, I'm going to give my bear to Jean to win her back, we've got
that double date tonight.
I don't think that's happening any more, mate, now you've split up.
Oh, great.
I could give mine to Steven, he could take it travelling
so he doesn't forget me.
Who you going to give your bear to, Mason?
Mummy!
Oh, thanks!
So, how we doing getting our bear to
reflect our individual personalities?
Mine's looking a bit sad and sorry for himself.
There you go!
When do we get to choose the outfits?
That's next, and then we do accessories,
and then for Ј10 you can record a personal message.
I can't do any of that, I've gone over budget on mine already.
I'm just going to get mine a cute little jacket and a hat.
Are we still friends?
I suppose so.
What you doing?
You know the government spy on us, they read all our e-mails and texts.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, well, I print all my e-mails off and I shred them.
Right. Are you going to come on this date?
No, it was a double date.
Me and Neil have split up so of course I'm not going.
Oh, go on, you know this Harriet.
I need you to break the ice.
I only know her from Salsacise.
Neil put you up to this?
He does miss you. Aw. Show us her Facebook again.
Hold on, that's her.
Yeah, she's all right, isn't she? What does she do?
She's a life coach and body language expert.
Ah, that's why she's always telling everyone to sit up straight.
What else? Give me some conversation starters.
I've only got her Facebook to go on.
Hold on, she's 38, she's Jewish,
her bike got stolen, level 44 on Candy Crush Saga,
she's just had a bath, she didn't realise Curly Wurlys
were still available and she's trying to get a publishing deal.
Blimey. Does she know I'm unemployed?
Yeah, she's seen your impressions on YouTube and she likes them.
Ah.
What you doing?
I needed a number off that last e-mail.
Takes ages gluing all this back together.
Sorry, sir, are you an employee?
I used to be.
Here he is, the one that got away.
He's all right, he's with me.
I'm in my civilian clothes.
Ah, the big, rich voice artiste.
Yeah, parked in the visitors' car park.
You just come back to gloat then?
What is that?
Oh, it's my site mobility unit.
What, that's yours?!
Yeah! Well, it's just a glorified golf cart.
Had some bloke come in and do an effectiveness study on us.
It turns out we were having to walk too far,
so now we get about in these.
Why didn't we have these when I was here?
It's got a rain cover and everything.
Yeah, hello, I'm just with a visitor at the moment, over.
Flipping heck, you've got radios too.
This is so much better than when I was here.
So, er, where you taking me for lunch then?
Oh, I just brought sandwiches, thought it'd be like old times.
Oh, right.
Can I have a go?
Now, be careful, Master Wayne -
this is not a toy.
I swore to protect you and look after you
and keep you on the straight and narrow.
It certainly isn't a toy, it has duel front cannons
and an after burner in the back.
You have to ask yourself why would you shoot a man
before throwing him from a plane or a mobility scooter?
Oh, mind the dodgy drain!
Oh, dear, Batman, we seem to be in a bit of a two and eight.
So, Martin, things not going very well then?
It's hard times being a mimic - we're losing people every day.
What do you mean? "Mmmm!"
How's about that, then?
Can you tell what it is yet?
I don't know who's next. What you going to do?
Do you think I can have my old job back here?
You always told me to get out of here.
You escaped, you can't come back at the first sign of difficulty.
Grass is always greener, innit?
The grass here is pretty green.
Yeah, but it's got litter all over it and we've got to pick it all up.
At least I know how to do that.
You need to fix this drain.
Yeah, I know, I'll get round to it.
Come on then, I'll take you back to the Batcave.
Sorry about the flowers.
Bane.
Who's this nonce?
That's my dad.
Oh, sorry.
Blimey, thought I'd missed you.
Er, Dad, you remember Lloyd? This is Gavin.
You all right?
Hiya, guys, room in there for me?
I made you this teddy bear, it's just silly.
I thought you might want to take it with you.
Do you know what,
I can't actually open my bag, it's rammed.
Don't worry about it, it's just a jokey little thing anyway.
So, exciting times, eh?
Yeah.
I'm going to miss you. I just wanted to say...
Hey, dude, can you do me a voice mail message of Christopher Walken,
saying that I'm out of the country?
Boom, yes. Can you do me one, too?
I told Gav about your voices, they're sick, mate. Ha.
A bit cooler than a pink car and a teddy bear, eh?
OK, who's first? Me.
Hey, Gavin's not here, he's gone around the world in search
of a culture that will accept him and his sexual peccadilloes.
Here, do mine quick, we've got to go, lads.
Give us a hug, will you?
Please take care of yourself.
Come home in one piece.
Don't worry, I will. We can, er, FaceTime.
Yeah, send me lots of pictures, eh?
Yeah, I will. Time to go.
Let's do this voice message then, eh?
Wotcher. Lloyd ain't here at the moment,
he's popped off round the world on a jolly up.
I tried to stop him but he was determined to go.
Cheers, man.
I was running late and then, when I got there, his mates got me to do
these voices.
I just feel like I didn't have a chance to say goodbye properly.
What voices did they make you do?
Christopher Walken and Michael Cane.
Oh. It doesn't bother me that you've got kids.
Yeah, you see, I used to do my voices in secret
and then I started doing them to people and they liked them.
But sometimes I feel that people just want my voices.
Oh, the voices, the voices in my head!
Do I sound mad?
No, I totally get what you're saying. I love your Attenborough.
Do it now. Now?
Er...
The male and the female are going through the courtship ritual.
Your body language changes completely.
It's really sexy.
Is that weird?
No, I love doing voices myself, you know, becoming different people
and that, but I like it when people like me for me, too.
Well, stay as Attenborough.
I like becoming different people but...
Oh, those men's toilets are bloody disgusting. I was paddling in there.
Good thing I've got the crocs on.
What other shoes can you put in the dishwasher, eh?
I didn't think people wore them out.
No, you can't wear them out, they're solid rubber. You ordered yet?
I think I'm just going to have the salad because I'm single.
Have a nibble of whatever you get, Mart.
I still don't know why you're here.
Because it's a double date, Martin?
That's not what a double date means.
This is just a date with you sat next to it.
Do Attenborough.
Yeah, go on.
Our planet sustains life in abundance,
but I dress up a chimpanzee as a little Dutch girl
and suddenly I'm the pervert.
He's very good, I'm glad he came.
The thing is, with body language, is that we're constantly
broadcasting information about our status, state of mind.
What's my body saying? Masculine stuff?
He thinks he's got boobs.
You look nervous and on edge.
He is.
So, how long you known Jean, then?
Years.
We used to rent rooms in the same house, that's how we met,
and she came into some money when her dad sold his business
and bought a house, now she's my landlady, which is a bit annoying.
So, have you two ever...?
God no, no.
When she said she knew an impressionist,
my heart skipped a beat.
I do silly voices, too.
Yeah?
"Hi ya! I'm Miss Piggy!"
Hey, I'm Kermit The Frog.
Bit weird, innit?
A frog and a pig having a relationship?
You never know who you fall in love with, Martin.
"Elmo wants to know where we're all going next!"
No, Elmo's a Sesame Street voice, we're doing Muppet Show voices.
Yeah, well, Kermit was in both, wasn't he? What a bitch.
You're not going to say anything? She just dissed me!
No, I'm not going to say anything.
What time we're you thinking of heading home, mate?
Oh, right, I get it.
We don't even know which one of us she's going to choose yet.
You better hope I don't do anything crazy,
like get an unlicensed cab home.
I've got some out-of-date hummus in the fridge, I might eat that all up.
I'm going now, I'm not even going to check if my shoelaces are done up.
Crocs don't have laces.
Are you coming? She's weird anyway. Let's go.
No! I'm going to stay, I'm going to do what I want for once.
The mating ritual continues.
It's a bit unconventional, but it's been a while. I love it!
Oh! Careful, I'm in my 80s.
You don't want to kill a national treasure.
Now do Bill Nighy.
Er...
Oh, hello. This is lovely, mind if I take over, Sir David?
No, not at all, be my guest, do you want fluffing?
No, I'm as stiff as a banister.
I'm not actually these people. Can I stop doing voices now?
Do McKellen!
He's gay! Not tonight he's not!
A wizard is never early or late,
he comes exactly when he means to.
Oh, God, it's like having an orgy!
Stay away from the ring!
None shall pass! More!
Ho-ooohh!
Room for a little one round the back?
Ohh! Yes!
She just left.
So, was she good in bed?
Yeah, it's a bit weird though, she made me do voices.
What's this?
Oh, ants have been messing with the internet.
You what?
No! I'm Googling ants because they've got in my Wi-Fi hub.
Oh, right. You going to see her again then?
Probably should have more self-respect.
Sod that. If you find a thread of intimacy, cling to it,
don't worry about self-respect.
And with that in mind I'm going to go upstairs
and leave this bear on Jean's doorstep.
'Jean, it's Neil, I can't bear this. I miss you.
'Have I only got 15 seconds, hang on, is it still recording?
Er, Jean, please call me, I'm BEAR-ing my soul.'
Come in.
Oh, he spent a long time designing that for you.
I'm not getting back with him, Martin.
He's not the person I want to be with. Right.
You going to see Harriet again?
I don't know.
Tired of being lonely.
Actually, can I have all of his clothes for my bear?
# It's time to put on make-up
# It's time to dress up bright
♪ It's time to get things started on The Muppet Show tonight! ♪
Kermy Wermy, HI YA!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.