You're a reasonable man. Do you think Janet's ever coming back?
'No.'
What's your address?
35 Brunswick Street.
That's my age. Easy.
Are you still employed at St Paul's Primary School?
'I mean, actually I was employed, sacked and then reemployed.'
As funny as you think it is to bully others,
you're only embarrassing yourselves.
'You're right, Mr Sloane. We'll try to do better, Mr Sloane.'
I'm gonna start you off with some Kinks.
'I'm always open to new experiences.'
Why are you being so nice to me?
'You're a good man with a big heart.'
♪ Cos he gets up in the morning And he goes to work at nine
♪ And he comes back home at 5:30 Gets the same train every time
♪ And he's oh, so healthy In his body and his mind
♪ He's a well respected man about town
♪ Doing the best things so conservatively. ♪
You think he's better than Connery?
No. I didn't say he was better.
I said I liked him more. Why?
Connery walked away from a steady, well-paying job
and I think that makes him an idiot.
I don't want an idiot playing Bond.
If Lazenby's got any sense, he'll stick around for the next
20 years and we'll forget all about this Connery fella.
Do you think you'd make a good spy?
How do you know I'm not a spy?
I've blown my cover now, I'm gonna have to kill you.
Switzerland looked amazing. Have you ever been?
No, no.
But, you know, I like their cheese and their army knives are very good.
Where's your favourite place you've ever been?
Oh, so many, so many.
Um, Southend's very nice.
What?
That's a joke, right?
No. It's home to the world's longest pleasure pier.
Have you never been abroad?
It's not that easy. You know,
it costs money and you've got to book time off work.
If you're not careful, you're gonna wake up a bitter old man
regretting all your missed opportunities.
I can't worry about that now, that's at least a good three weeks away.
I'd say two. What?
Maybe one.
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
No, don't engage. Don't en...
Looks like fun.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
What's going on?
Wednesdays is our dance programme on the wireless.
Our living room's crowded with furniture
so we come out here to dance.
No-one seems to mind.
Would you and your husband care to join us?
What do you say, dear? Care to trip the light fantastic?
No. I tend to trip over the light fantastic.
Maybe some other time.
Goodbye, then. Bye-bye.
How mental is that?
Why not just bring your TV and the sofa in the middle of the street?
How about the toilet? Excuse me dear,
just popping into the middle of the road to evacuate my bowels.
Back in a minute.
Hey, pull over here.
What? Really? Oh. Yeah.
You all right? Yeah.
It just reminds me of Craig, my ex-boyfriend.
Oh, right.
When we first lived together in San Francisco
we used to play records and dance around our apartment.
One day he got this idea that we should go to London
cos that's where it was all happening.
He'd become this rock star and I'd be his muse.
So we blew all our money on air fare
and wound up in a flat in Soho with a bunch of other musicians.
It was kind of romantic at first, but there was no money
and no work and he was just so pissed all the time.
American pissed or British pissed?
What's British pissed?
Oh. Well, then both, I guess.
You don't mind me telling you all this, do you?
No. No. Anyway, he just lost any ambition.
When he started fooling around on me I thought it would be uncool
to act like I cared.
Until his friends started hitting on me and then it was time to get out.
So, my friend Audrey said I could house sit for her in Watford.
So here I am.
Seems like a lifetime ago...
...dancing around our apartment.
But look at them. They're still at it, still happy.
Things just get shitty, don't they, Jeremy?
Yeah, they do.
Let's go.
You know, Robin... Don't ever fall in love, Jeremy.
Duly noted.
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday dear Jeremy
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
Cheers, everyone. Cheers!
There's just one more thing. I have a gift for you, Mr Sloane.
Ooh!
What is this, a bloody Aston Martin?
Wow, a cruise.
Ooh!
It's round the Med. It's going to be beautiful.
Wow. Right, well, I'm amazed we could afford this, my darling.
Well, I did have to dip into the savings a bit.
I bet, yeah.
Right. Right, no, that's fine.
I'm not sure it fits in with our savings plan,
you naughty little monkey.
But I understand you probably didn't wanna discuss it with me,
because you wanted to keep it a surprise - which it certainly is.
Well, I didn't discuss it with you, because I knew if I did,
we wouldn't be going. Of course.
Because when we talked about going abroad earlier in the year
we decided we couldn't afford it.
So a sensible assumption there.
Cheers, everyone.
Cheers.
Mum did a cruise. Yeah. Said she had a lovely time.
Until the third day, when she got the shits.
After that it was hell, stuck in that hot little cabin.
What a love image there, Beans.
I just hope Saunders doesn't sack me
when I tell him I have to take a fortnight off work.
Look, I'm sorry it doesn't fit in with your plans, darling,
but the next time I try and do something nice I'll be sure
to ask for written permission in triplicate.
Happy birthday, darling!
Who else wants cake?
♪ C is for the candy trimmed around the Christmas tree. ♪
Do you think she'll like it?
I don't know. Is your mum a big panda fan?
Who doesn't like pandas?
What are you getting your missus for Christmas, Rossy?
Oh, I'm not allowed to buy her presents
ever since I bought her that lawn mower for her birthday.
Oh man, I'd love a lawn mower.
Beans, you don't have a lawn.
Even so. What about you, Sloaney?
Are you getting something special for your American girlfriend?
Shut up. She's not my girlfriend.
Then what's that little smile creeping across your face then?
My littlest does the same thing. It's usually wind.
I don't know.
I can't for the life of me think why she'd be remotely interested.
It's probably your confidence she's attracted to.
All right, smartarse. We're going out again on Friday.
Again? Sloaney, well done, my son.
Yeah, that's my boy. Now, you got all the necessary equipment?
Equipment? We're just gonna hear music, Reg.
We're not scaling a bloody mountain.
Ah, there's all sorts of new toys out there, my friend.
New positions, helpful accessories.
I don't think she's like that.
She's a Yank, right? And a bit of a hippie?
So? Now that's a woman of the world.
You'd best be prepared, son.
Have you even been with anyone since Janet?
How do you mean exactly?
Translation - no.
Come on, mate. You're a man. Best act like one.
Says the lad cuddling the giant stuffed panda.
Ah, don't let them intimidate you Sloaney. You'll be great.
You'll be fine. A lot of birds fancy the shy type, remember?
♪ Underneath the lantern by the barrack gate. ♪
Don't just stare at her Sloaney, talk to her.
Mind your own business, Reggie. I wasn't staring at her.
I'll bet you a shilling,
he never even talks to Nancy by the end of term.
Forget about it, Rossy.
We're on the same side of that bet. Psst, Beans!
Sloaney!
That's just not right, is it?
Look, they got your hair all wrong.
Mr Sloane. Take your things and proceed to the headmaster's office.
But it wasn't me.
Now!
Ah. Into this sort of stuff, are you?
No, it's for a friend.
My wife wanted me to try this stuff once.
But it was too complicated. All those positions.
Yeah, sure. Thank you.
Er, do you have a bag, please? Oh, yeah, sure.
Thank you.
Yes.
'Mr Sloane.'
Oh, Mrs Wyndham, to what do I owe this magnificent interruption?
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
I was wondering if I could trouble you for some flour.
I've run out and there's something very important...
Yes, yes. Please come in. Let's find you some flour.
Nothing would give me more pleasure,
other than an exploding boil on my nether regions.
Oh, and some sugar too, if you have some to spare.
Yes, of course. What's next? Eye of bloody newt?
Oh. Wrapping Christmas presents, are we?
Yes, yes. That's exactly right.
For Mrs Sloane? Is she coming for Christmas?
Afraid not. No, Mrs Wyndham.
It's my annual Christmas gift I'm sending to the halfway house
in Brixton, for girls who won't go all the way.
Oh!
Look at that, Nigel. A double pleasure.
Well, I'd love to settle in for a nice long chat, Mrs Wyndham, but I'm
sure you've got to get back to baking biscuits for your imaginary friends.
Thank you, Mr Sloane. Come, Nigel.
Always a pleasure to see you out, Mrs Wyndham.
Kevin. Gerald. What the hell's going on?
It's OK, sir. We were just playing.
Playing? What were you playing? Lord Of The Flies?
Luke, you do not have to cover for these boys.
Luke doesn't mind. Do you, Luke?
Doesn't mind? Of course he minds!
Look, piggy in the mud.
Oink, oink. Oink.
Oink, oink!
That is enough! Do you think it's funny
to taunt someone for their weight? Do you?
We're just having a laugh, sir. Oh, "We're just having a laugh, sir."
We'll see how much of a laugh it is, shall we?
Why don't we all have a laugh, huh? Ha-ha ha-ha!
Let's have a laugh, yeah?
See how you like it - in the mud! Ha-ha ha-ha!
Stop it! What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it, you fat idiot!
They're my mates. Enough, Luke.
Mr Sloane.
May I have a word with you, please?
We were just having a laugh.
Go on, say it.
Well done.
Excuse me?
I've been wanting to do that to those two for years.
I rather enjoyed it. Quite cathartic.
So I'm not sacked?
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course you are. Clear out your things.
Interesting that you've suddenly found the time for films,
concerts and dining out,
since none of that seemed to interest you much when we were together.
Well, perhaps I learnt a lesson from your profound unhappiness, Janet.
It's a shame you're applying those lessons to the wrong person.
She's only going to break your heart. Do you think so? I know so.
She's young, pretty and free-spirited.
You're an overweight, uptight, middle-aged,
unemployed accountant who wears a clip-on tie.
You're right. I'll lose the tie.
♪ At the party she was kindness in the hard crowd
♪ Consolation for the old wound now forgotten... ♪
So, would you have come if I'd have told you?
I don't think so. I feel like an accountant at an orgy.
Come to think of it, that's not even a metaphor.
Let's just go to the pub, please.
Stop. Didn't you push some kids in a puddle today?
That's very rock 'n' roll.
I don't belong here.
I mean, look at this wally.
Who wears sunglasses in a dark nightclub?
Oh, shit.
Robin, baby. Wow, it's good to see you.
You look fucking great. What are you doing here?
Jason and Bobby are going on after the DJ so I came to hang out.
It's funny, I was going to call you. Hello!
Sorry. Sloane, this is Craig. Craig, Sloane.
Stoned? No, no, Sloane. With an E, like the square.
Oh, right, square. Yeah, that makes sense.
Where's your dog? Excuse me?
Your guide dog, for the...
He's making a joke about your sunglasses. Oh, right. Good one.
So are you two here together?
Yep.
Ah. OK. Great.
So how'd you guys meet?
We were... Sloane and I, he helped me.
I had a leaky faucet so he came over. So he's your plumber?
No, no, I'm not her plumber. But you're a plumber?
At least he has a job. But not as a plumber.
Sorry, what's that supposed to mean? Why don't you figure it out?
OK. Drinks. I'm going to get a drink. Do you want a drink? Yep.
Yep. OK, good.
Hey, sorry.
Can I have a pint of bitter and a gin and tonic, please?
Don't look now, but we're the oldest people in here.
Huh! Nancy!
Hello, Sloane. Hello.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just in town visiting my mum for Christmas.
I could ask you the same question.
You're the last person I'd expect to see in here.
Yeah, well, I'm trying to broaden my horizons.
I heard you and Janet divorced. I never saw that coming.
Not divorced, just separated, actually.
Oh, right, so you might still... Yeah. Yeah, a bit of time off.
Come back stronger than ever.
Thank you. Cheers.
Well, merry Christmas.
And to thee. Merry Christmas.
Hmm. Ah.
Relax. I know Reggie's getting married again.
Ah, OK. Good luck to her.
That's one leopard who's not changing his spots.
Reggie's all right. He's just...
He's a shit... a shit.
Mind you, what does that say about me? I married him.
When I could've had a nice boy like you.
Did you know I fancied you all those years?
Of course I did, Sloane. I liked you, too.
But you never even spoke to me.
Well, water under the bridge, huh? Yeah, that's right.
It's never too late, you know?
It feels weird.
Sorry, it's just your hand being there.
You know, that hand that was married to one of my best mates.
Fair enough.
I just hope you don't end up a bitter old man
regretting all your missed opportunities.
That's the second time in three days someone's said that to me.
Well, if the shoe fits.
I'm flattered. I am flattered, but I came here with someone.
Lovely to see you again, Jeremy.
It was great seeing you too, Nancy.
See you later.
Watch it!
Ow.
Thanks, Jeremy. Oh, thanks, man.
I think I'm going to go. What? No! Why?
It's too loud. And I think the two of you need to talk.
Stick around, man. We're all going to hang out later and get down.
It'll be cool. Well, I'm sorry, man, I'm sure it will be... cool,
but you'll just have to get down without me.
Jeremy, I came with you, I'm leaving with you.
Come on, let's dance. I can't. Sure you can. Come on.
Yeah, I'd like to see this.
I'm surprised you can see anything
with your head so far up your fucking... OK. OK. Come on.
Look, it's easy. Just let the music move you.
Nothing is moving. Come on.
No.
♪ For you love For your love... ♪
There we go. Ah...
Come on. There you go.
Now you're getting it.
You're doing great, Jeremy.
I don't know if you're being ironic or not, but I love it.
That's it.
Oh, Christ, I'm sorry.
Watch it, mate! All right!
You again? It was him, he pushed me.
♪ For your love... ♪
Come on, Jeremy. Sorry. Excuse me.
Mr Sloane? Hello? It's only me.
I've let myself in.
"Where's your guide dog?"
I don't think he had any idea what you were talking about.
Ah, well, you know...
Oh, you really make me laugh, that's for sure. Glad to be of service.
What was all this about? That...
That is a move that I call the nervous crab.
♪ Chestnuts roasting on... ♪
Oh, I love this song.
♪ Jack Frost nipping at your nose
♪ Yuletide carols... ♪
What are you going?
♪ He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh... ♪
Would you do me the honour? Oh, my God, really?
Yes. Come on.
♪ To see if reindeer really know how to fly
♪ And so I'm offering this simple phrase... ♪
Wow.
♪ To kids from one to 92... ♪
Oh! Hmm.
Ooh, hey!
♪ Although it's been said many times, many ways
♪ Merry Christmas to you... ♪
Nigel? Are you in here?
Oh, there you are, you silly little boy.
How did you get in here?
Now, come home with mummy.
Merry Christmas.
♪ And so I'm offering this simple phrase
♪ To kids from one to 92
♪ Although it's been said many times, many ways
♪ Merry Christmas to you. ♪
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