ANNOUNCER: This is not a joke.
- Last comic standing is back. - What?
ANNOUNCER: And this is going to be the funniest...
Got him!
ANNOUNCER: And most exciting season ever.
Tell it to my balls!
[screeching]
Some people think six is too many kids.
I don't care.
I'm gonna keep having kids
until I get one that I like.
I love you.
ANNOUNCER: We've searched the entire country
and picked 100 of the best comics
and invited them to Hollywood to battle it out
in the ultimate comedy competition.
Could you imagine Oprah Winfrey
in the underground railroad?
If you look under your chairs,
freedom!
ANNOUNCER: They'll make us laugh
or be sent home by our three powerhouse judges.
Roseanne Barr is a legendary stand-up comedian
whose trailblazing, top-rated sitcom
inspired a generation of comics.
Those were the best buffet jokes ever.
- Thank you, Roseanne. - I think you're in it.
Keenen Ivory Wayans created the blockbuster
Scary Movie franchise
and the icon sketch show, in living color,
that launched the careers of Jamie Foxx and Jim Carrey.
I've always wanted to know
what I would look like as a woman.
ANNOUNCER: Russell Peters
is an international stand-up sensation
who landed the number three spot on the Forbes list
of top comedians in the world.
I think Keenen really related to you
because you come from a family of 13
and he comes from a family of 1,300.
ANNOUNCER: They'll be joined by host J.B. Smoove.
We're back, baby!
ANNOUNCER: And a dream team of celebrity mentors
who will guide the comics through a minefield
of nerve-racking challenges.
Welcome, everybody, to the Last Comic Standing roast!
We'll see which comic will make the best talk show guest.
ANNOUNCER: So tune in.
Someone is going to walk away with $250,000,
an NBC development deal for their own show,
and the title of Last Comic Standing.
♪ Come on, come on ♪
[record scratching]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, J.B. Smoove.
[cheers and applause]
Oh! Oh!
Aw, yeah!
Tonight we're kicking off the competition
with our invitational round,
but before we get to that,
I just want everyone to be welcomed back
to a bigger, better, greater Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, welcome back.
What's different about the show?
Well, one thing is, they got me.
Oh, yeah.
And what else?
We searched the planet
and invited the best and brightest 100 comics
to come here to Hollywood
for a chance to be Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause]
And because these comics are so damn good,
we needed really great judges.
Let's meet 'em now.
He's black, bald, and beautiful,
which is my favorite look also.
Give it up for Keenen Ivory Wayans, y'all.
[cheers and applause]
I'm looking for stage presence
and also their point of view.
If you want to be a great comedian,
you really need a point of view.
The more personal information that you can put into your act,
the more you're gonna relate to an audience
and the more they're gonna connect with you.
And next,
he's an international comedy sensation.
Give it up for the box office shattering
Russell Peters, baby.
[cheers and applause]
I think the most important thing
a comic can do when they walk on stage
is own the room immediately.
You literally got 30 seconds or less
to win the audience over from the get-go.
I'm really looking forward to seeing
the contestants on the show,
because I'm still out in the comedy clubs
almost every night,
and there's a lot of great talent out there.
And last but not least, the domestic goddess herself,
a woman so great she only needs one name,
and that's Roseanne, everybody.
In order to be successful in this competition,
it takes really excellent writing.
When somebody's a great writer
and they have good delivery
but they have that desire to please and connect,
I mean, that's unstoppable stuff.
Let's get our very first invitational show started then.
The first group of our invited comics will take the stage.
After they perform,
our judges will select their favorites
to move on to the semifinals
and move one step closer to the title
of Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause]
So are you ready for your first comic of the night?
[cheers and applause]
Give a round of applause for Dave Landau.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
My wife wants kids, so we're gonna have 'em.
And I used to want to be a father,
until a few weeks ago.
I had to go to my buddy's son's birthday party
at a place called Chuck E. Cheese.
It's like Lord of the Flies; they own that place.
They worship a mouse as if it's their God.
There was a bear playing a banjo.
I thought I was having an acid flashback.
I was scared.
I was standing there playing skee-ball,
trying to win enough tickets to get a vasectomy.
I don't know.
If we do have kids,
I don't want to be one of these parents
who are always showing people photos of their children.
It's annoying. My wife has a friend like that.
She's always showing people pictures of her kid.
"Just look at me kid. Have you seen my kid picture?
My kid, look at my kid. Look at my kid picture.
My kiddie. Picture my kid.
Look at my--"
It's like relax. It's been two years.
You're not gonna find him.
[audience groans]
I think I'm ready to be a father, though.
Like, I'm sober now.
I used to drink and party a lot.
I used to drink a lot,
and then they put a breathalyzer in my car,
and I thought, "Oh, maybe I have a problem."
I had to take my mother-in-law to the airport
with a breathalyzer in my car.
She's a very sweet woman from the Midwest.
She didn't know what it was.
She gets in; she's like,
"Dave, thank you so much for taking me to the airport."
"Not a problem, mom. Happy to help you out."
"No, you're a good man." "Okay, it's not a big deal."
"No, you're just a good man for my daughter."
"Okay, relax."
[blowing]
"What does that do?"
"It starts the car."
"My car uses keys."
"Well, this is new."
"What if it doesn't start when you blow into it?"
"Then you're gonna have to blow into it."
[cheers and applause]
I get to be a designated driver a lot now, which sucks,
and I actually found out in high school
you can get a lot of trouble being a designated driver.
My brother and I were 17 years old,
and we were at a white castle.
We just ordered a crave case,
which is a briefcase of hamburgers.
So as we're pulling out, like all good drunks,
my brother notices a prostitute,
so he just starts hucking cheeseburgers at her.
Just yelling stuff like, "How much for a reach around?"
Pap!
And I was dying laughing
right up until she pulled out her badge.
It was an undercover cop.
If you could've seen the look on my dad's face
when the prosecuting attorney read,
"Would you bang us both for extra cheese?"
We got arrested for soliciting sex.
We got off 'cause cheeseburgers aren't technically money.
How awesome is that?
[cheers and applause]
Dave Landau.
- From the Motor City, y'all! - [mouthing] Thank you.
Roseanne, talk to Dave about Dave.
- Boy, are you a cynic. - Thanks.
Which I love. Very dark humor.
Boy, you-- you're not afraid of anything.
- Not really. - You're like, "Oh, well.
If I alienate everybody, what time is it?"
You're, like, okay with it, and that's, like, admirable.
- I enjoyed it a lot. - Thank you very much.
Thank you, Roseanne. Thank you.
You're very funny.
You've got a very original delivery.
You made me laugh right away.
You're sarcastic and sharp, is what I liked.
Your stuff is so edgy and funny,
not edgy for the sake of being edgy,
edgy and clever,
which is a hard line to walk and write.
So congratulations. Very, very good set.
- Thank you very much. - That's a good note.
- Yeah. - Yeah, Dave.
You were very impressive.
I mean, you just went to the edge
and over and over again.
I never was able to predict where the punchline was going.
Just got funnier and funnier and darker and darker.
You could win the 250,000. You--
- Thank you very much. - Dave Landau, people.
Dave Landau!
It meant the world to me to hear Keenen say
I had a shot at the 250,000
because I'm such a big fan of his films,
and I was hoping that my irreverance would play to him,
and it did, so I was happy about that.
College is a place responsible people go
to begin their career.
It's also the place that irresponsible comedians go
to mock all of that.
Let's take a look at Tracey Ashley.
Hi, I'm Tracey Ashley,
and I live in Merrillville, Indiana.
Louis CK gave me this advice once.
He said, "This is gonna be a tough journey.
Get on the road and get funny,"
and I took that to heart.
- We have you for two nights? - Yeah.
I became a college comedian, and I got booked
at as many colleges as I could get into.
When I'm on the road, I travel with an air mattress.
I have my own blanket. I bring my own little pillow.
I have to put my remote control in the plastic.
That's my crazy.
Everybody has their crazy, and that's mine.
I'll get a cup of coffee.
Oh, it's still warm, good.
And then I just take off for my show.
And then you have a sound check.
Test. One, two, check.
Get in the little green room, if they have one.
Can I get, like, a chair or something?
- Yeah, I'll bring you a chair. - Okay, cool.
Sometimes when you get to a college,
they do have rules.
It's my role as an employee of a Catholic institution
to just remind you--
- Oh, this is a Catholic school. - Yes.
- So PG-13 then? - I think that's perfect.
- Can I say "damn" and "ass"? - Yes.
Okay, now, can I say I'm for gay marriage?
Please welcome Tracey Ashley.
[cheers and applause]
I'm usually getting back to my hotel after midnight
and do the same thing all over again
to get to the next city.
Here's your room number right here.
All right.
So, everyone, please give it up for Tracey Ashley.
[cheers and applause]
I've done 200, 300 colleges over the years.
For one night, is that correct?
Yup.
Tracey Ashley.
[cheers and applause]
When I come home, it's home.
I have my husband. I have my three cats.
Check, one, two. Oh, that's really loud.
But when I'm on the road, working,
I'm on the road, working.
It's really isolating.
The only time you're out is when you're doing your shows.
But I'm living my dream.
I will never stop performing.
[laughter]
Someone said to me that they will keep being a comic
until the day they die, and I was like,
"That's me."
Tracey Ashley!
Whoo! Thank you.
Well, I am in a really good mood,
'cause coming up soon,
I'm gonna be celebrating five years of being married.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
I am in an interracial marriage.
My husband is white. I am--
I am obviously Irish, and--
For the longest time, when we first got married,
my mother-in-law, she kept buying me lingerie.
Yeah, I thought she was freaky.
My girlfriend, she clued me in.
She said, "Girl, she wants a grandbaby."
I said, "That's what that's about?"
She said, "Yeah, she's trying to get you in the mood."
That's not going to get me in the mood.
I can't wear random lingerie my mother-in-law
bought for me on a Tuesday.
I put that on, my husband comes home.
"Where'd you get that from?" "Your mama."
"Yeah, your mama bought this."
[laughs]
But I do have a niece.
My sister-in-law-- She had an adorable
little blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl,
and I love my niece,
but she keeps calling me Miss Tracey
instead of Aunt Tracey.
That's annoying.
I'm her aunt.
My husband, he finally asked me.
He said, "Baby, what's the big deal
that she calls you Miss Tracey?"
I said, "Baby, when she calls me Miss Tracey,
I feel like I need to respond,
'You is kind.
You is smart.
You is important.'"
[cheers and applause]
My husband is a history and geography teacher.
He's always homeschooling me.
He asked me if I knew when Abraham Lincoln
was elected into office.
I had no idea, and he said, "Baby, it was 1860.
Honestly, what was the first year
that popped into your head?"
I said, "Honestly? 1776."
Look, most people don't know what year
Lincoln was elected into office.
I do a ton of college shows.
I'm always asking the students.
One student actually shouted out from the back of the room,
"19--"
I said, "Stop right there.
You're not gonna graduate."
Turns out she was an education major.
[audience groans]
Yeah, imagine her teaching history in the future.
"In 1972, Bill Clinton freed the slaves,
and Oprah Winfrey led the underground railroad."
I mean, really?
Could you imagine Oprah Winfrey in the underground railroad?
"If you look under your chairs...
Freedom!
You get a map. You get a map.
You get a map."
Thank you. I'm Tracey Ashley.
Tracey Ashley! Whoa-oh.
- Roseanne, what's up? - She's the real deal.
[cheers and applause]
Just great, great construction.
You did your set exactly-- Nobody could do it better.
And you were who you are,
and you were stepping over every kind of boundary line.
- You brought the heat. - Thank you, thank you.
[cheers and applause]
You know, it says you've been doing stand-up for 15 years,
and it shows, you know what I mean?
There's nothing struggling about you when you watch you.
You don't feel uncomfortable. You're not like, "ugh."
You're like, "Oh, oh, ah! There it is."
And you had great jokes,
And you have great twists to the jokes.
You've given me good things to laugh at
and good things to think about,
so thank you.
I thought you were elegant.
I thought you were articulate,
intelligent, and edgy and just really funny.
- And it was-- it was great. - Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Tracey Ashley. One more time for Tracey Ashley.
That was hilarious.
All of those hours,
all of those flights from Florida one day
to Utah the next day.
When you get out there, it's like,
that's what you've been doing it for,
for this moment.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up, Keenen makes a love connection.
I want to know your parents. I want to know your friends.
- I want to know all of that. - Take me to dinner, Keenen.
[laughs]
ANNOUNCER: This comic shows off his romantic side.
This girl I was dating once asked me
if I would take a bullet for her.
I'm like, "Yes, I really want out of this relationship."
[laughs]
ANNOUNCER: And later, Roseanne offers some tough love.
I would prefer if you started with a compliment.
You know, go fuck yourself.
[cheers and applause]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Right now, it's time to meet our next comic.
Take a look.
Hello, I'm Guy Branum.
I grew up in rural Northern California
on an almond farm
like everybody dreams of growing up.
A kid from my town is supposed to want to hunt and fish
and get drunk in rock quarries.
- This is me in a dress. - Absolutely.
One of my sister's dance costumes.
And here's another picture of you in a dress.
They were very exciting.
Guy, as a baby, was a very fascinating child.
The questions you would ask, I told your dad,
"I can't keep up."
As a kid, my favorite subjects to learn about
were Greek mythology, Hinduism, warrior queens.
Oh, German National formation-- A passion.
In high school, I did academic decathlon,
and then I did quiz bowl in college and law school.
And finally, I was able to be a superstar.
1960, best actress is Elizabeth Taylor.
1961, best actress is Sophia Loren for Two Women.
I do think shouting out the answers to questions
with great confidence paved the way for shouting out
joke punchlines with confidence.
"Cardigan" is named after the seventh Earl of Cardigan.
I hope I'm one day the answer to my own trivia question,
"Who was the winner of Last Comic Standing
season eight?"
This guy, Guy Branum.
[cheers and applause]
Guy Branum, y'all.
Hey.
Now, you guys may have noticed
that I am unusually large for a homosexual.
I am not certain why this is the case.
My current working theory is that once my parents realized
I was going to be gay,
they figured they might as well raise
the largest one in the county.
If they're not getting grandchildren out of the deal,
at least they could get a blue ribbon.
So who here hates reality television?
[cheers and applause]
I am so tired of people
complaining about reality television.
"Oh, it's so stupid. It's so stupid.
It's the downfall of America.
It's just stupid people fighting with each other.
It's so stupid."
What is sports?
Illiterate adults with accidental children
fighting with each other for three hours at a time.
I want to watch people fight too.
I just want to understand why.
[cheers and applause]
Because you're wearing different colored helmets,
that is not a reason to fight.
Because Melissa Gorga did not go
to Teresa's baby's christening,
that is a reason to fight.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you very much. I'm Guy Branum.
Guy Branum, y'all. Let him have it.
I liked the way that you read the riot act
to the world.
I mean-- and you've earned that right, obviously,
and you didn't disappoint.
- It was great. - Thank you so much.
That means so much coming from you.
I liked your take on-- on-- on reality TV and sports.
I'm not a big sports guy myself.
I just like boxing and MMA, so you know?
I like boxing and MMA too, but for different reasons.
Yes, yes.
[cheers and applause]
Whatever your life experience was,
I want to know.
I want to know how you grew up.
I want to know your parents. I want to know your friends.
- I want to know all of that. - Take me to dinner, Keenen.
[cheers and applause]
No, but I-I--
[laughs]
I'm hot now.
Like I said, I think we all want to know
more about you, so good job.
Thank you so much.
Guy Branum. Big Guy.
I've been trying to get in the other contestants' heads.
[laughs]
I really try to mess with them
instead of dealing with what I got to deal with.
[laughs]
My friends are always trying to go day drinking.
They're like, "Hey, man.
Let's do some day drinking."
I'm like, "Sure, I like going to bed at 7:00.
Let's party."
I like sleeping with my clothes on.
Day drinking.
[cheers and applause]
But with interracial dating, like, you have to, like,
know everything about your people
so you can answer questions all the time,
and that's not the point of interracial dating.
The point of interracial dating
is to make hot Lisa Bonet babies, okay?
[cheers and applause]
It's for two people to come together
and create an army of, like, vaguely beige-colored,
27-year old Gap models named Quinoa.
Like, that--
One time, a D.J. was like,
"I want y'all to scream
like you ain't never screamed before."
So I was like--
[screaming]
I actually went out last night.
Me and a friend went out, trying to meet some ladies,
did a little bar hopping.
It didn't go too well. Eventually, my friend got upset.
He was like, "Screw this. Let's go to a strip club."
I don't get that logic.
You know, to me, that's like going fishing,
not catching anything, and being like, "Screw this.
Let's go to the aquarium."
Hmm. Same thing.
Comedy's the best gig ever.
I used to work as a janitor during the day,
so this is a nice step up.
Mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms.
Nobody looked me in the eye.
Nobody talked to me.
I remember one day I was mopping the floor,
and a businessman slipped, and he goes, "Fuck, man.
If the floor's wet, you got to put a sign down."
I'm like, "I'm mopping in front of you.
I am the sign, all right?"
You know, the little guy on the sign doing this?
That's me, but in 3-D.
That guy, yeah.
Come on.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
You know the guy slipping on the sign?
That's you.
Hate the day job. Hate it.
The worst part was, my boss chewed me out after.
He's like, "Come on, Mark.
You're embarrassing me out there."
I'm like, "You're embarrassed?
I went to college."
Let me have this one.
Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Mark Normand.
Have a good night.
You had a very well-constructed set.
Oh, thanks.
And for a guy who's not been doing it for very long,
you-- you've got a lot of promise,
and you've got a lot of confidence
and great material.
Well, thanks.
ANNOUNCER: Up next, for this comic,
membership doesn't have its privileges.
Some of the drugstores' programs
I don't want to be a part of,
'cause they tell me I'ma get a reward,
and all I get is a long receipt.
That's all I get.
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
Welcome back Last Comic Standing.
Now, let's see some more contenders.
Let's give a big hand for Rod Man.
[cheers and applause]
Give it up!
All right, all right.
Thank you.
The times is different, man.
You know, I don't even have keys on my key chain no more.
I don't have keys.
I just got membership cards of every store I go in.
You ever-- You got that on your key chain?
You be like, "Man, I go to a lot of stores,"
'cause I'm a member of a lot of stores.
Like, I'm a member of all the drugstores.
I don't know why at all,
but I'm a member of all the drugstores.
And-- and some of the drugstores' programs,
I don't want to be a part of,
'cause they tell me I'ma get a reward,
but I never get anything at all.
I just--
Yeah, never get nothing.
All I get is a long receipt.
That's all I get is a long receipt
with stuff that I can't use on the receipt, you know?
Yeah, I'll be like, "Man, this is way too much receipt
for a pack of gum.
I know I should not have this much receipt."
Yeah, 'cause I thought I was filling out taxes one time,
the lady gave me so much receipt.
- Yeah. - Whoo!
I'm a member of a lot of grocery stores too.
I don't know who started this little program,
but they tricking us to buy bags.
I don't know why I got to buy a bag
and buy groceries.
I don't like that at all.
Yeah, right.
Oh, yeah.
You feel me, Roseanne, yeah.
I got to get my bags ready to shop.
That's crazy right there,
'cause y'all got bags in the store.
I see the bags already,
so I don't know why the hell
I got to bring my own bags, but--
And they-- They so crazy now.
You bring your bags, and then--
I don't know who started this little program
where you check yourself out, but, uh...
That is not what I'm trying to do.
I'm-- I'm a shopper.
I came in as a shopper.
I want to leave as a shopper, but--
Yeah, 'cause they-- They trick you to be a employee
and get on the clock that day.
You don't really have--
Yeah, you're not ready to be a worker at a grocery store.
You don't-- Yeah, you don't have
no kind of qualifications at all,
but the lady tricked me.
She's like, "There is no waiting over here, sir."
And, you know, I go over there,
and she just walked the hell away.
And I was like, "Whoa."
Like, "Where are you going, ma'am?
Where are you going?"
And she's like, "You can check yourself out."
And I'm like, but I don't work here.
I shouldn't have to do that at all, you know?
Yeah, I was like, "These are my clothes.
These are my clothes."
But she felt like I was qualified, so I said,
what the hell?
Turn on my light.
I guess I'm open. I guess I'm open.
Whoo!
Yeah!
I've been Rod Man. I appreciate y'all, man.
Much love, man.
The Rod Man, baby.
Oh, you were so good.
I just loved it so much.
I'll just be, like, really real with you for a minute.
I have thought all that same stuff
every time I go there.
I think that same stuff.
Why don't they just do their fucking damn job?
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
- I love you. - Yeah, thank you, thank you.
Say that again. Say that again.
The way he came out and the way he built that set,
it was like watching a boxer about to knock you out.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
It's like he hit you with a jab,
and then you were like, "Ow."
And then, he just started throwing combos,
and then, "Bam," with a uppercut
and a left hook,
and it was, "Good night, Chico."
Amazing set, Rod Man.
Thank you, brother. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Rod Man, just one tip.
When you come out black on black on black on black,
you-- you were killing the lighting.
I just seen the lighting guy just--
- [laughs]
But your-- Your material was great.
The everyman point of view was really funny,
and-- and the attitude that you put behind it,
just being confused about everything
and why that happens.
My only little thing, there was one point
where you just had too many words in there,
and it felt like it just was too much
when you got to it.
I get a little wordy. I get a little wordy.
But if you just tighten that up,
it-- it wouldn't-- You know what I mean?
Yeah, all right.
I feel you. Yeah.
Well, great material, great set.
Really funny.
Thank you, sir. Appreciate it.
That's Rod Man being Rod Man, baby.
Yeah, all right. That worked out for me.
All right, yeah. It's hot out there.
It's time to now get a up-close and personal look
at our next comic, Lynn Koplitz.
I'm Lynn Koplitz, and I'm a comedian,
and I live here in New York City.
I had a development deal with NBC.
Then I got a deal with Food Network,
and I got another show on-- With Sony.
All those lasted, like, a year.
You do hit an age where,
if the public doesn't know you really well,
the business isn't gonna take a chance on you.
I'm lucky to have a mentor
who has really kept my head in the game.
Hello.
Oh, hello, hello, darling angel.
I met Joan Rivers,
and she was everything you want an idol to be--
Generous and kind and funny.
These are little cards that look like Sammy, your dog.
Thank you.
My maid is gonna love this.
[laughs]
I don't know if you could consider me a mentor,
because I want Lynn to be good,
but not as good as me.
I'm not that generous.
Last comic standing asked a bunch of people
to come do the invitationals.
Should I do this?
Of course you should go on Last Comic Standing.
Your career's in the toilet.
You should go anywhere.
What are you wearing? You've got to look hot.
Show your body.
You're a big, sexy, blousy blonde.
- You are. - You always use the word "big."
"You're a big--"
You're a big-- Men want to climb you, yes.
If I was in Lynn's shoes, I would get a hold of the judges.
I'd put on a pair of knee pads,
and I would go.
Lynn Koplitz, y'all!
Hello.
Let's talk about men.
You want to talk about men a little bit?
[cheers and applause]
I know a lot about them.
I'm a female comic and a bit of a whore.
Not on purpose.
But if you make it to 46 and you're not married
and don't have children,
you will accidentally sleep with a lot of people.
It just happens.
I like young guys.
This guy's distracting me from the show.
How old are you?
21.
[women cheer]
You know why I like 21?
I like that because he doesn't have opinions yet.
I hate the older men.
They have ideas and thoughts.
It's so aggravating.
I used to be a cougar.
Now I'm more of a zoo cougar.
I don't hunt anymore.
Now I just kind of lay around my habitat
and enjoy my fake rock.
Yeah, I've been out in the jungle.
It's a bitch.
No, yeah, I know. The food's better out there,
but it's regular in here, you know what I'm saying?
And every now and then,
one of the little 28-year-olds
falls over the side, right?
Oh, excuse me.
I got to go. Good night.
Thank you.
That's Lynn Koplitz, y'all.
[cheers and applause]
Your rhythm in the beginning,
you sounded like Joan Rivers,
and that cadence didn't seem to fit you.
You seem like a hip--
A woman that's still in the-- In the mix,
and you got a great look.
You understand what I'm saying?
You just seemed a little out of your--
No, I just kept hearing "hip" and "in the mix" and--
I'm looking at your smile.
I didn't hear anything.
But once you get into what I felt was more you,
you're really funny and bold and just great to watch.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
I really enjoyed it.
It was totally relatable.
You know, I like the aging woman thing a lot.
- Very good. - Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
The jokes were really funny.
I like your self-deprecating style.
You were very engaging, and-- and I-- you know,
when you first came out, it's one of those things
where you're like, "Uh," and then you just kind of hook us,
and then you just take us with you.
You did a great job, and I enjoyed it a lot.
I appreciate it. Thank you so much.
Lynn Koplitz. Give her her props, baby.
Thank you.
Good job, Lynn.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up, a comic delivers her verdict.
I didn't hear anything she said.
I've seen her without makeup, Keenen.
And I've seen you standing up.
BOTH: Oh!
Yeah!
Sometimes, when you're fulfilling your own dream,
you have to make sacrifices.
Check out Dave Stone, y'all.
Hey, I'm Dave Stone, from Los Angeles.
I want to show you where I live.
Let's go.
Oh, yeah, we're not going anywhere.
This is it.
As you can see, it's your standard 2006 cargo van.
Come on into the main living space.
This is my home, 54 square feet of fun.
Got my nice, customized curtain rod.
This is the refrigeration system.
And over here's where the magic happens.
And by "magic," I mean sleep.
I always knew I wanted to be a comedian,
ever since I was a little kid.
I live in a van,
because I was serious about my comedy career,
and I didn't want any distractions,
including rent, bills,
all the stuff that a normal person has to deal with.
This is where I ran into an oak tree,
and that's where I got stuck in my buddy's carport.
[engine grinding]
Some of the perks of living in a van
are the financial freedom that it affords me.
And I can always get to gigs.
At a moment's notice, I can just pack up
and hit the road.
The downside of living in a van
is that you have to live in a van.
My gym membership is $10 a week.
So that's a small price to pay to have a nice shower.
Another great thing about the gym is,
they have free products.
Shampoo, conditioner, body wash,
it's all on the house.
Get deeper, dude, deeper.
Believe it or not, some people actually go to the gym
to work out.
It's not hard to meet women
when you live in a van,
but usually you meet the wrong types of women.
Luckily, I have found a lady.
- Hey, lady. - Hi.
Dave told me he lived in a van
after our second date.
I mean, I live in a studio, he lives in a van.
Same thing, except, actually, his is mobile.
- Did you go to the gym today? - Yeah.
- Did you work out? - No.
Did not sculpt my body today.
[laughs]
It honestly is inspiring and awesome
that someone can just take their life
and be like, "Okay, you know what?
This is my dream.
I'm gonna do this, no matter what."
And I do believe in Dave.
I think he's gonna dominate Last Comic Standing.
I'm excited for people to see how funny he is.
Well, it's been a long day.
It's time to get some sleep.
Winning Last Comic Standing would absolutely
change my life.
I'm not sure I would move out of my van immediately,
but I would definitely get those dents fixed.
[car alarm blaring]
[cheers and applause]
It's Dave Stone!
What's going on?
Thank you.
Hey, real quick,
anybody ever call in sick to work,
'cause you ate too much at breakfast?
Nobody take a fat day?
All right.
I'm not an educated man, if you haven't already induced.
And-- yeah.
Why was that funny?
I-I've always been jealous of people
who went to a good if not notable college,
'cause not only do they have
that lifelong connection with their fellow alumni,
but also, that good-natured rivalry
with alumni from other schools.
I've always loved the old classic college rivalry.
'cause you get to crack jokes,
poke fun at whoever your rival is.
Every school's got some goofy joke.
"Hey, I heard if you drive through your campus slow enough
with your window rolled down,
they'll throw a diploma in your car."
"You guys are stupid.
Get it?"
I'll never have jokes like that,
'cause I went to vocational college.
Not a lot of tradition to fall back on
when you go to Appalachian Industrial Tech.
The fighting spot welders.
We didn't really have rivals.
If we did, it was, like, the DOT,
or the Water Department.
I don't know.
Who am I gonna make fun of with my education, you know?
I meet somebody, I'm like, "Hey, I'm Dave.
How's it going?
What-- what do you do for a living?
Heating and air? That's pretty cool.
I used to do that. Where-- where'd you go?
Chattahoochee HVAC Tech.
Get a load of this guy."
[laughs]
"Hey, hey, answer me this.
You know how many Chattahoochee grads it takes
to install a two-ton R22 Goodman evaporator coil?
Zero. None of 'em are EPA certified.
Beat it, nerd."
Those jokes just aren't as good.
Guys, I'm Dave Stone. Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
Dave Stone, y'all.
Give it up for him.
I thought you were real funny.
I like your material.
I really believe that you're that guy too.
- I liked it. - Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Even though you were telling us about you,
I didn't know what your point of view of the world was.
You come out, and immediately you go,
"Okay, this guy.
He's got an attitude.
I-I want to-- I want to know what that is."
You need to keep putting your point of view
on top of your jokes,
and they'll be much stronger.
Right on, thank you.
I thought you came out swinging from the--
From the jump, with the "fat day" joke.
I-- You had me right away, and--
You've heard a million fat jokes,
but it's when you make it your own like you did
that made me go, "All right, this guy owns this,"
and you are who you are.
Thanks a lot.
[cheers and applause]
Big Dave!
[voices overlapping]
Drop the microphone.
I'll show you how we do it in the booth.
Uh, testing, drop me one.
♪ Last comic standing ♪
♪ Jokes be demanding ♪
That's all you get.
Tune in next season,
I got the rest of that rap.
It's exciting. I'm pumped.
It's-- I'm like a kid night before Christmas.
Like, this is it.
So let's see what happens.
I'm married.
There's my proof of purchase right there.
I inherited in-laws.
I inherited her parent-- White parents, yeah.
If you don't have 'em, go get them.
They're amazing.
Oh. Oh.
I'm not gonna lie, though,
there was a little bit of a rough spot in the beginning.
First time I met them, right?
We go over to their house for dinner,
her mother runs up to me, she's like, "Oh, my God.
I've heard so much about you.
"So excited to finally meet you.
I've got a surprise for you."
Runs into the kitchen,
comes back out, she's like,
"♪ guacamole ♪"
Do you know girls are getting boob jobs
for graduation now?
Shouldn't that be what you get
if you don't graduate?
Oh, I heard you failed math.
Here's a couple of Ds.
Go follow your dreams.
Found out that I can't eat rat poison.
Yeah.
I am rat poison intolerant.
Paramedic told me.
Said, "Stop eating rat poison, Tim."
So I quit.
It's tough, had to go on the patch.
Thank God for the patch, it saved my life.
They got a patch for everything these days.
You want to quit smoking, they have a patch.
You know, birth control, they have a patch.
Yeah, if you got an eye missing...
I have a 17-year-old daughter.
I love her, but I don't like her that much.
She runs track and never wins races.
She comes home with participation ribbons.
I'm like, "What is this?
They just gave you this for showing up.
I want the blue ribbon.
They give to the kids with the stitches in their heads."
She said, "My friend Molly's parents said
it doesn't matter if you win or lose.
All that matters is, if you try your best."
I said, "Did you say parents, with an S on the end?
Are you showing off, bitch?
Really?"
She came home to me the other day
and told me she had a bully.
I said, "A bully?
That's called rites of passage.
You're gonna always have a bully," right?
One day, your bully's name is gonna be
"taxes" and "supervisor."
You don't have a bully.
She's 17 years old.
I said, "What you have is
a year to do something about it
before it's a felony.
That's what you have."
That's my time.
Aida Rodriguez.
Thank you.
Aida and I go way back.
She's opened for me on the road before.
I sensed your nervousness a little bit,
but you're building that act,
and I like the way it's going.
I didn't hear anything she said.
[laughs]
I've seen her without makeup, Keenen.
Oh!
And I've seen you standing up.
ALL: Oh!
[applause]
No, you're-- you're a stunning woman,
and distraction is a comedian's enemy.
Tone it down a little.
You never want your beauty to work against you.
Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
ANNOUNCER: Up next, this comic brings down the house.
You finished the biggest I've seen so far.
[cheers and applause]
Did you see that?
[cheers and applause]
Oh, welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Our next comic lives in Weehawken, New Jersey.
Joe Machi.
Come on, Joe.
[cheers and applause]
People are always saying weird things.
A girl I was dating once asked me
if I would take a bullet for her.
I'm like, "Yes, I-I really want out of this relationship."
People are always saying, "Joe, you should be happy
for what you have,
because others are less fortunate than you are."
But that's kind of a strange idea,
basing our happiness
on the fact that others have less.
It's almost like saying,
"You know what would make this
turkey club sandwich taste a lot better?
If I ate it in front of a hungry looking homeless guy."
Well, maybe I'll try something a little less edgy then.
Have you guys ever noticed that black people...
[laughter]
and white people are the same?
[cheers and applause]
'cause if you haven't, you are a racist.
And people are always making up sayings
to make it seem like they're different.
Like, I was eating barbecue
with a black friend of mine.
He gets up to go to the bathroom and says,
"Don't ever take a black man's ribs."
I'm like, "How 'bout just don't ever take anybody's ribs?"
I hate racism.
That is why I think there is only one good use
for the "N" word.
That is for my bank password.
Because I would never blurt that out to anyone.
[cheers and applause]
Even if I were being robbed by a black man...
and he were to say,
"Dude, give me your password."
I would be like, "I can't.
I would turn this robbery into a homicide."
Thank you, everyone.
[cheers and applause]
Joe Machi!
Hey, Machi, I got one more thing
you should never take from a black man.
His spot on stage.
Why don't you go over there?
And I will be going in your account tonight.
Is that how you really talk?
And is that the real-- Is that how you really are,
or is that a character?
It's how I really am.
I tend to get very nervous when I'm on stage.
Some-- sometimes, I try to make my voice
a little deeper normally,
but I just don't have a deep voice.
Your shit is next level shit.
It's good.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you. That means very much to me.
Thank you.
When you first came out, I thought, "Oh, boy.
I'm not gonna like this guy."
But the writing was so smart, so clever,
so unpredictable,
that you might as well have been running up and down the stage,
'cause you created the same energy.
[applause]
You built, and you built, and you built
to the point where I was like, "Wow.
I did not see that coming."
And you finished the biggest I've seen so far.
[cheers and applause]
And on a side note, your bank password,
is that with an "A" or an "E-R"?
Joe Machi!
[cheers and applause]
And now, it's time for the judges to powwow.
They'll pick who will advance to the semifinals,
and keep their dream alive
of being anointed the Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause]
You have to think about a few things.
One is, is this somebody that you could build a show around?
'cause, you know, you can't give a contract to somebody
who has no world to build around.
Keep it diverse.
And like you said, who--
Who do we think has four or five more sets in 'em?
Right, right.
I got gold here.
Now, this is the first of our invitational shows.
The comics have performed, the judges have deliberated,
and now we're going to see which comics
will be the first semifinalists of the season.
Who's going to take that first step
toward winning that $250,000,
and an NBC development deal for their own TV show?
The first comic to advance to the semifinals is...
Tracey Ashley.
[cheers and applause]
When my name was called, It was just like, "Wow."
Let her hear it.
I feel like I got to get ready now for the next round.
That's all I'm thinking about.
Mark Normand!
[cheers and applause]
I didn't think I was gonna make it.
But I feel great.
Feels good to win.
Feels awesome.
What's up, Mark?
Get up here, boy.
Dave Landau.
When I heard my called, I was really, really happy.
Felt like a unicorn on ecstasy.
Like, it wasn't real, but it felt really good.
Aida Rodriguez!
I'm glad to know that, at the end of the day,
my standup, my struggle,
allowed me to move on to the next level,
so that I can continue to tell my story.
Joe Machi!
[cheers and applause]
I don't even know how to describe it.
This last eight years hasn't been a waste.
Oh, man.
This is where I belong.
Rod Man!
I was confident that my name was gonna be called,
but you never know.
This is a competition.
Comedy is subjective.
Oh, yeah.
Moving on, I feel it's only gonna get better.
Don't go away.
We're just getting started.
ANNOUNCER: Six comedians from the first group
are moving on to the semifinals.
Who will be the next to join them?
Find out right now,
as night two of our invitational round
gets under way.
More of the country's best comics will take the stage,
for a chance to win $250,000,
an NBC development deal for their own show,
and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause]
Let's get it rolling with our first comic of the night.
She's from our nation's capital.
Erin Jackson, y'all.
Erin, what's up?
[cheers and applause]
Hey, hey.
So my mom is learning how to text,
and I encouraged it at first,
but she's made it clear that that was a mistake,
because I sent her a message the other day,
and she called me back,
because that's how she replies to text messages.
She calls you back.
And she says, "Hey, Erin, that message you sent me earlier,
what does BTW stand for?"
Right?
So I tell her, it stands for "by the way."
And she says, "Oh, yeah.
I guess that makes more sense."
And I was like, "More sense?
What'd you think it stood for?"
"Booker T. Washington," she said.
In 2014, that's her first guess.
"Booker T. Washington, what time are we meeting for dinner?"
That's what she thought I went with.
Tried online dating.
I joined one of those sites, I paid $120.
I met the worst human being I've ever met
in my entire life.
I was like, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I could've met this dude
outside a liquor store for free," right?
I didn't need to put it on my MasterCard.
Y'all, it was a horrible date.
He asked me out.
That's important.
He asked me out.
We went to dinner.
Check finally came; he ignored it.
So I had to pay for my meal.
But then, he asked me to help pay for his meal,
because, quote, "I don't want to break this last $20.
You know how it is, boo.
Once you break it, it's gone."
That happened.
And then, as we were walking back
to the car after dinner,
you guys, he stopped
and peed in an alley in front of me.
And I'll be honest, at that point in the date,
the part of me that was a girl on an awful date was like,
"Jump in the first cab that comes out here," you know,
and just-- just get out of here, right?
But the professional comedian part of me was like,
"See if you can ride this thing out, right?
Could be--"
I did it for y'all, is what I'm saying.
You're welcome.
You are welcome.
You guys, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Oh, Erin Jackson!
Well, you're very likeable.
Oh, thank you.
Two words in, we-- We like you already.
I like you back.
[laughs]
Thank you.
I liked your command of your space too.
And your words were-- They were very sparse,
and you were bringing the comedy.
I was very impressed.
Good job.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
I like that you put yourself in the position
of a girl versus being a comic
when the guy was peeing in the alleyway.
And you were very poised and calm.
It gave me the sense that you believe in your jokes,
and there's no reason for us to worry,
that you're gonna be delivering us some gold,
and you did that.
That you did, yeah.
[cheers and applause]
I-I-I loved everything about you.
What I really liked was the fact that you were just you.
There was no, "Oh, I'm watching a black comedian,"
or, "I'm watching a female.
I'm watch--"
it was just you sharing with us
your experiences, your life,
and it was as universal as you could possibly get
even though it was very specific,
and I love that.
- It was very, very funny. - Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Erin Jackson!
It went really well.
I mean, to see people that you admire
looking back at you and laughing,
I mean, that's why we do this, right?
So it felt great.
Okay, it's time to now get a up close and personal look
at our next comic.
Watch this.
[cheers and applause]
I am Jimmy Shubert,
and I've been doing standup for about 25 years.
I grew up in Philadelphia with five brothers.
When I was nine, I had gotten a magic set for Christmas,
and I started doing shows for the family,
and everybody really liked it.
The magic was a way for me to perform,
and I still do it to this day.
I'm gonna take the bullet,
and I'm gonna place it into the gun.
And if I do that, it gives me what?
Is that the card?
When I was 18, I started as a doorman at the comedy store.
And Mitzi Shore, who is the owner,
she would let you sit there,
and you had to watch all the best guys in the country.
Pryor comes in, and Carlin comes in,
and Sam Kinison, and-- and Robin Williams.
I mean, that was like my college.
Let's have a hand for Clay here.
He's doing a fabulous job up here.
I've known Jimmy ever since he showed up here,
and he was a doorman, and he was working his way up.
He's very likeable on stage.
And he developed here at the comedy store.
And then, from the comedy store,
Sam Kinison brought me out on the road with him.
It was like rock and roll.
You performed in front of 3,500 people.
It was amazing.
When I wasn't doing standup, I was doing acting.
I did a couple episodes of ER, The King Of Queens,
Two Broke Girls, Entourage.
And I'm thinking, "Well, this is my big break."
You-- you wind up getting your heart broken every time.
Jimmy has the talent.
He just needs the opportunity.
Jimmy's been in the game for a long time,
and hopefully this show will give him a shot.
This is NBC, so this is big.
I'd love to win Last Comic Standing,
because it would be validation after so many years.
You know, if not now, then when?
You know what I mean?
Jimmy Shubert!
Big Jimmy!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
How are you?
I am feeling good.
I've been eating healthy.
I was in a diner this morning getting breakfast.
Had a thing on the menu called a protein scramble.
In my head, I'm going, "That sounds healthy."
Then I read the ingredients.
Basically, it was an egg omelet
with chunks of chicken meat in it.
A chicken omelet,
which is wrong.
You don't take the eggs out of a chicken,
and then cook the chicken,
and put it in the eggs.
That's too much chicken.
Who the hell is back there cooking?
Some kind of chicken serial killer?
Huh?
Who's workin' the grill, the Barnyard Strangler?
People, that's an omelet that spans
two generations of chicken.
That's not breakfast; that's a vendetta.
Who's ordering breakfast, Tony Soprano?
Listen, I want the chicken dead.
I want his family dead.
I won't stop till his family's dead.
[cheers and applause]
You know what that's like?
That's like taking your hamburger
and dipping it into your milk.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You don't do it.
It's not kosher.
Literally, it's not kosher.
I like chicken.
I just don't like it in eggs.
That's the creepy part.
I'm a meat eater.
God made animals.
He made 'em slow enough to catch.
Obviously, he intended for us to eat them.
Besides that, what's the fun in hunting a vegetable?
Anybody could sneak up on a carrot.
I don't even trust vegetables,
'cause they get the nutrients from the dirt.
Yeah.
Would you eat dirt?
No.
Well, then why eat the middleman?
That's what I'm saying.
Some of that stuff's not even food.
Celery?
That's not food.
That's dental floss trapped inside a carbohydrate.
And I was reading about celery.
Celery's actually classified as a negative calorie food.
There are two calories in one stick of celery.
But if you eat it,
it takes your body ten calories to process it.
You could kill yourself eatin' celery.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentelmen.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey.
Jimmy Shubert, what's up?
I've actually been a fan of Jimmy's for a few years.
And he is what you saw.
It's not like you have to wonder,
"I wonder if he's like that?"
He's that guy.
You write great jokes.
You're a force.
Thank you, man.
Thank you very much.
- Roseanne. - It was great.
All-- all your material is great.
Your delivery is great.
Your persona is great.
- Fantastic. - Thank you very much.
Thank you for saying that.
Whoo!
Keenen.
I can see your point of view
on every single joke.
Right.
And even though you didn't talk about yourself,
I felt like I knew who that guy was.
- Yep. - Congrats.
It was a good set.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
Jimmy Shubert, everybody.
Give it up for Jimmy!
Booyah!
ANNOUNCER: When we return,
this Canadian stops being polite...
Imagine if they put waiters in buffet restaurants,
trying to intercept you on your trip up there.
ANNOUNCER: And starts getting real.
"What can I get for you?"
"The hell out of my way."
[cheers and applause]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause]
Okay, it's time to bring another comic out.
Have a look-see at Lachlan Patterson.
Hi, I'm Lachlan Patterson, and I am from Vancouver,
but I live in Venice, California.
I wake up every morning feeling blessed.
I surf all day,
and I do standup comedy at night.
It's a great life.
When I first told my dad I was moving to L.A.
to pursue standup comedy,
he was not happy with that idea.
He thinks standup comedy is not stable,
and if you're not successful at it,
you're gonna be broke.
So I walk dogs to pay the rent.
Tiffany.
[whistles]
Let's go.
A typical day, I go out with my van,
and I pick up each of the dogs...
Up, Lola.
There you go.
Okay, guys.
Everyone, buckle up.
And take 'em to a park.
Walking six or seven dogs at the same time
can get a little tricky.
Look at that move.
I'm sure people looking at me are laughing.
But laugh all you want.
I'm making 100 bucks today.
Thanks, Sparkles.
[whines]
The dog business definitely helps my comedy.
Hey, guys, you want to hear a joke about cats?
You have to be the leader when you're on stage.
You have to show them who's in charge,
or they will take over.
Get her, Lem.
Get her.
I love dogs, but I want my dad to be proud of me.
So I hope one day I could afford
to live off of standup comedy.
[cheers and applause]
Lachlan Patterson, y'all.
I'm-- I'm not gay.
But according to the people I'm close to,
I am very gay looking, which is--
Which sucks kind of,
'cause I can't do a lot of things
straight looking people get to do, man.
Never get to eat an ice cream cone
the way I really want to, right?
What?
Come on.
I love ice cream.
My favorite food is buffet.
I-I think--
Right?
Best part about buffet, no waiters to bother me.
I love that.
Imagine if they put waiters in buffet restaurants,
trying to intercept you on your trip up there.
"What can I get for you?"
"The hell out of my way."
Yeah.
"You don't have enough paper to write down
what I'm gonna try to put on this plate."
Ridiculous.
"What can I get for you?"
I'm just gonna get a plate of chicken chow mein.
But could you put it on a peperoni pizza,
just covered in baby corn and bacon bits?
Then take a pancake
and put a big slice of prime rib on it.
Roll it up and get some gravy on there.
But don't get any gravy on my chow mein.
Then gently rest a bowl of jell-o
on top of the whole thing.
Maybe lay some crab's legs on top of the bowl, right?
Like train tracks.
And then, you know what?
Just take the plate away.
I'm not gonna eat any of it.
You guys, thank you very much.
Lachlan Patterson.
Those were the best buffet jokes ever.
Thank you, Roseanne.
Oh, thank you.
Your joke construction is really good.
Your set was very enjoyable.
I think you're in it.
Really?
Yeah.
You have a very funny outlook on everyday things,
and that's-- that's a good perspective to have.
And you crafted a great set for the show.
Congratulations.
Thanks, Russ.
Appreciate it.
Yeah, when you-- When you first came out,
I was like, "Okay, this guy looks like a store mannequin.
What's he gonna--
What's he gonna do?"
but from the gate, you were funny and wry
and just really off-center.
Thanks, man.
I loved your point of view,
and the direction that you took your material.
- Really funny. - Thanks, Keenen.
[cheers and applause]
Lachlan Patterson, everybody.
[voices overlapping]
Everybody's acting like they're nice,
but there's a very cutthroat element here.
- I hope you do great. - See?
See what I'm talking about?
That's voodoo.
Right now, I'm feeling incredibly nervous,
a little nauseous.
In my head, I'm thinking, "Just don't mess up."
People don't know how to use the word "ghetto" in context.
I was at a dinner party with my friend Becky.
I'm not trying to be funny 'cause she's white
and her name is Becky,
but she is white, and her name is Becky.
And at the end of the night, she was like,
"I'm gonna roll ghetto-style."
I was like, oh, snap.
What's she gonna do?
Pull out a pack of Newports or a gun?
I don't know.
She pulls out a tupperware container...
and fills it with carrots and crudites.
Carrots and crudites.
That's not ghetto.
Ghetto would be if she named her child "Crudites."
I really enjoy the prescription drug commercials.
They got one, it's my favorite.
It's for home-use catheters for women.
Right, ladies?
Finally.
Glass ceiling shattered.
They got a number you can call at the end,
and if you call it,
you get six free catheters to try out,
with prescription only.
You know, to stop all the recreational catheter users.
[laughs]
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, boy.
Here we go again.
Another one of these black comedians.
Just gonna get on that stage
and start going on and on and on about churros.
Churros this.
Churros that."
Well, let me tell you something.
You're right.
[cheers and applause]
I never saw anything like you, and that's really good.
You're unique.
You're different.
I thought it was hilarious.
Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
I live in New York.
My friends say I look like a police officer in New York.
My problem is, I don't look like a nice cop who would help you.
I look like a very cocky, Staten Island,
"Keep it movin',
I'm gonna racially profile you" type cop.
Take it from a guy who kind of looks like a cop,
don't drink and drive.
I was recently pulled over
for driving on the wrong side of the road.
Cop was like, "Are you drunk?"
I'm like, "Dude, I'm not drunk.
The woman on my GPS is from England."
That's what I don't like about cops.
They never compliment you.
They always tell you things you did wrong.
Just once, I would like a cop to stop me,
come to my window, be like,
"Do you know why I pulled you over?
Back there, when you made that right turn, you nailed it.
Great job."
[laughter and applause]
I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.
I went online to become a private detective.
It was a private detective school online,
and I paid online.
Then, I never heard from them again.
I thought to myself, "I either got ripped off,
or this is my first case."
You guys were fantastic.
Thank you.
Do you get stopped by the cops a lot?
Occasionally, yeah.
But, like, the haircut usually gets me off.
See, I have, like, a cop-- Kind of a cop haircut,
so they--
- I get it.
I really enjoyed your set.
You know what you're doing.
You-- you deliver the mail.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Thank you.
I'm super competitive.
So if I lose this, I'll go to a cooking show.
If I lose that, dance off.
If I lose that, storage war.
I'll do whatever it takes to win.
ANNOUNCER: Up next, Roseanne gives one of the comics
some priceless advice.
It was just kind of like I didn't feel like
you were really respecting your audience.
Do you feel okay with Roseanne speaking for you?
ALL: Yes.
You know, go fuck yourself.
[cheers and applause]
All right, let's get our next comic on stage, y'all.
Give it up for my man, Jasper Redd.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
So I like to drink.
And me and my homeboy Randy,
we was at the hole in the wall getting socially lubricated.
And he was feeling generous.
He goes, "Hey J. Redd.
Next round on your boy.
Let's get some 1800 Tequila."
[scattered cheers]
I said, "Pump your brakes, Randy."
I said, "I don't drink 1800 Tequila."
He's like, "Why not?
I'm buying."
I was like, "I appreciate that,
but 1800 wasn't a good year for black folk, all right?"
if you got some 1992 tequila, then I'll partake.
[cheers and applause]
Right?
'92 was a good year, you know?
Kris Kross was makin' people jump.
Workin' on the cardio.
Point is, I don't like things that remind me of slavery.
It's one of the main reasons I don't eat cotton candy.
That's right.
You know, I got into an argument with my uncle,
who's from the South, you know?
And the reason that he was upset with me,
'cause I told him I never seen roots.
You know, he damn near had a conniption.
Like, "What? You ain't never seen Roots?
I better talk to your mama," you know?
And for those who don't know,
Roots is like Star Wars for black folks.
I mean, it's-- It's a rite of passage.
Except we don't have the conventions, you know?
And I don't understand that with black folk.
We have that weird dynamic where we hate slavery
but love slavery movies.
I don't understand that.
That's like a cow watching how hamburgers are made.
Why you want to do that?
He's good.
He's smart.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Oh!
Jasper Redd!
My God.
Give it up for him.
I think-- I think the audience speaks for what you just did.
So good job, Jasper.
You had some funny takes on stuff that we took for granted.
The analogy with Roots and Star Wars,
I'd never heard that, which I really enjoyed.
As far as 1992 being a good year,
I think the L.A. riots were that year,
so I don't know if it was such a good year.
Depends on which side you was on.
[laughs]
True, true.
Good answer.
I enjoyed your set.
I thought you were very funny.
I thought you definitely walked on the edge,
which I always like to see in a comedian.
My favorite joke was the one you just threw at Russell.
That was very funny.
Wait a minute.
It was a good comeback.
Shows that you can think on your toes.
Yeah, you're thinking on your feet.
My favorite kind of comedy
is comedy that brings the pain, you know?
Brings the truth and the pain.
And you definitely did both,
and you were transcendent,
and I enjoyed it so much.
Thank you.
Give it up for Redd.
[cheers and applause]
Okay, it's time to bring another comic out.
Let's hear it for Ben Kronberg.
Big Ben, baby.
[cheers and applause]
What?
Like you guys start working right when you get to your jobs?
Can't do that one.
You won't get that one.
Do you think when twins are born,
they say, "Jinx"?
My grandpa, he has Alzheimer's.
So I bought him a memory foam pillow.
Thank you very much.
That's what I have to say.
Ben Kronberg.
Ben Kronberg, everybody.
I think you wasted a lot of time up there.
[cheers and applause]
What did you say?
[laughs]
Wait, wait, wait, what?
I said, "I think you wasted a lot of time up there."
Okay.
I would prefer if you started with a compliment.
But I'll take--
I'll take your out-of-the-gate criticism.
Well, you know comedy better than me, I guess.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you're really-- And you're real arrogant too,
and it pisses me off.
Bring it.
Here's what I have to say.
I think what annoyed Roseanne was--
was the fact that you--
What you did was a little gimmicky.
Here's the thing, Ben, about the first joke.
You spent a lot of time setting it up,
but the problem is is that it's an old joke.
Yes.
You know, you had some funny things,
but it just-- kind of like I didn't feel like
you were really respecting the people in front of you.
You didn't respect your audience.
Did-- did you guys feel that?
ALL: Yes!
Do you feel okay with Roseanne speaking for you?
ALL: Yes.
[laughs]
You know, go fuck yourself.
[cheers and applause]
That's Ben Kronberg, everybody!
Yo, yo.
That's Ben Kronberg.
Thank your stars that you are not Ben Kronberg.
[laughs]
NARRATOR: Coming up, this comic is ready
to settle down with anyone.
Finding a mate is like finding parking at the mall.
Sometimes you got to just pull in and go,
"This is as close as we get."
Okay, let's keep it going, y'all.
From East Brunswick, New Jersey,
put it up for Dana Eagle, y'all.
[cheers and applause]
Wow, this is great.
Look at this.
Aw, this is a beautiful night, beautiful people.
Yeah.
I like girls.
[scattered cheers]
But I have to find someone to marry now.
I have to find someone to marry,
'cause I'm gettin' older.
I know I'm gettin' older,
'cause I just got my first piece of turquoise jewelry.
And, um...
No, my dad said to me, he said,
"Dana, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight.
Finding a mate is like finding parking at the mall.
Sometimes you got to just pull in and go,
'This is as close as we get.'"
Cool.
[sighs]
I feel-- I feel calmer now,
'cause my-- my meds just hit.
Bipolar, party of two, so...
It's sad, you guys.
It's very sad when depression runs in the family.
Mostly 'cause it knocks out so many baby names
like Hope, Faith, Joy.
They were like, "Let's just go with Dana."
But things are looking up.
They're really looking up,
'cause soon my medicine's gonna be available on Amazon,
and it'll be like,
"People who bought--
also bought a noose, a switchblade,
and the book The Five People You Meet in Heaven."
[laughs]
I'm just kidding.
I'm not-- I'm not going to Heaven.
I'm not going to heaven, 'cause I'm--
'cause I'm an atheist.
And-- and I'm not gonna make fun of it,
'cause people get very upset
when you make fun of religion.
Some woman even came up to me after a show.
She got right in my face, and she said,
"You know, someday, you are gonna meet your maker."
And I said, "Well, good,
'cause there's a customer service moment
I've been waiting for for a long time."
What'd you do?
Cobble me together out of leftover parts?
I think the angels threw me together on a Friday
before a long weekend, and they were like,
"All right, what do we have left?
What do we have left?
Let's see, we got a lazy eye, bipolar.
Hey, this'll be fun.
Let's make her gay."
Should we give her a sense of humor?"
Well, we better, 'cause we're out of boobs."
Thank you guys so much.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, Dana Eagle!
Very funny.
Is that your real voice,
or is that a character you're doing up there?
It's my voice, but it--
It started to go a little bit today.
Oh, okay, well, good.
Well, I was worried that it was a character,
but now that I actually hear you talking,
that is your real voice, so that's good.
I enjoyed it quite a bit.
Thank you.
I'd like to see what else you have.
If your next five minutes is--
is different or the same or what the deal is, so...
Okay.
You know, I thought it was fantastic.
Thank you.
I want to hear more about you, you know, growing up,
and, like, becoming the odd person that you are.
Let us see inside that,
the thing that made you a comic,
the thing that made you burn with a desire
to get out there,
and say the kind of things you're saying.
I just wanted to see more of it.
Yeah, I-- When you-- When you first came out,
I thought, "Oh, she's like a female Woody Allen."
I just felt that kind of self-deprecating kind of thing.
And then, you just flipped that whole style
in-- in your own unique way,
and it was just so much fun to watch,
'cause I thought I knew where you were going,
and by middle of your set,
I had no idea where you were going.
- That's good. - Thank you very much.
All right.
Dana Eagle, y'all.
Thank you.
I'm not wearing a beanie to be a cool guy.
I'm just cold.
I have a blood circulation condition.
It's called Raynaud's Phenomenon.
You can look it up.
Just wanted to put that out there.
I'm feeling nervous,
but good about being a weirder act.
There's also the chance that I could just
eat a sack of crap.
♪ Jacks' got a house ♪
♪ Jane's in Tangier ♪
♪ I made $11,000 last year ♪
♪ Ba da da da da da-da da ♪
♪ Facebook stalking ♪
♪ my most successful ♪
♪ friends ♪
[cheers and applause]
I was talking to this fellow the other day.
He was, like, a college professor.
He's like, "So tell me, sir, what's your extraction?"
I'm like, "Duh, vanilla."
He's like, "No, what's your nationality."
I said, "I'm Japanese."
He goes, "You're not Japanese.
You're Asian American."
I'm like, "Oh, sorry.
Didn't mean to offend myself."
I-I just a Groupon offer for the Museum of Tolerance.
Um, Holocaust Museum.
And I feel like it's good.
You know, it's actually good for people
who do want to pay their respects
to this tragic event in history,
but, like, not at full price.
When you're a man and you can't do stuff,
you don't admit it, right?
My girlfriend's car got a flat tire.
I was just like,
"Ehh.
I think we should see other people."
White people are so positive
that they give bad news like it hurts.
I mean, it's your bad news,
but they give it to you like it causes them pain.
They clench their teeth like, "Your card's been declined."
"Well, we did twice, and yeah.
It's a brand-new machine.
Yeah."
Been going to white church lately.
I love white church.
Don't go to white church acting black.
They don't like it.
And there's no way for you to know.
I went to a local white church out here.
I was the only one standing up going,
"Yes!
Hallelujah!
That's it.
Glory to God."
Somebody came and said,
"We're gonna have to ask you to leave.
Are these your things?"
Fantastic.
- Just fantastic. - Thank you very much.
Thank you.
You make the audience feel like a friend
right at the top.
You got good flow, good material.
It-- You're great.
- Good job. - Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
ANNOUNCER: Up next, this comedy warrior fights for the title.
You want to fight?
You want to do this, huh? You want to fight?
Here, hold my heels. Come on.
ANNOUNCER: And then, find out who's moving on
to the semifinals.
This is the moment of truth.
And here it is.
Oh, welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
We are getting down to the nitty-gritty.
It's our last comic of the night.
Get loud for Nick Guerra.
What's up, Nick Guerra?
[cheers and applause]
What's up?
I'm the last one. How you guys doing?
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
I avoid bars.
I don't go to dance clubs,
because I'm not made for that environment.
I can't.
Because even if you think you have a shot with a chick--
you could be walking up to her, all right?
And then, all of a sudden one of her friends cuts in.
"Nope, not gonna happen. Not gonna happen.
Mm-mm, no, no, no. It's ladies' night.
You're not dancing with us. No."
'Cause they all travel in groups.
And you've got to get approved by the one in charge.
Yeah, 'cause there's one in charge
in every single group of women.
She's usually the one with the big pendant necklace.
Right? She looks like one of the shaman from Apocalypto,
just-- [imitating Mayan]
[laughter and applause]
They have that one.
She's the one that gets 'em all together.
"Okay, ladies, here are the rules, all right?
We're not paying for any drinks,
and we're all going home together.
Samantha, wear your panties. It's disgusting.
Your new name is Sasha, Jasmine, Diamond.
Let's go. We're cousins."
[laughs]
'Cause they all got their roles, man.
Every single girl in the group has a role, right?
They got the trickster,
the one with the nice cleavage and the low-cut shirt.
Goes ov-- up to every group of guys.
"Me and my friends are thirsty,
and we're wondering if you want to buy us shots."
They got the pre-celebrator.
The one that shows up drunk, right?
Yeah, look at her.
It doesn't matter what you're celebrating.
She's down.
She's just like, "What day is it?
Martin Luther King Day?
He had a dream. I have a drink, ha-ha.
Twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk."
Doesn't matter, right?
There's one girl to avoid in the entire group, all right?
The smack talker.
Every group has a smack talker, all right?
You know which one she is?
The shortest one in the group. Okay?
Any girl 5'3" and under are the biggest smack talkers ever.
They will get in your face, if they can reach it.
There's something about those heels.
They go on those extra four inches.
They're not used to this oxygen up here.
They go crazy.
They're like little pissed off pixies with their big eyelashes.
"What's up? You want to fight?
You want to do this, huh? You want to fight?
You want to do this?"
By the end of the night, the eyelash is down here.
"Come on, let's do this.
Come on, let's fight. Here, hold my heels.
Come on."
Thank you, guys. I'm Nick Guerra.
You guys are so much fun. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Nick Guerra!
Nick Guerra, baby.
Nick, you had the toughest spot.
- Yeah. - You had the toughest spot.
We've seen some good people tonight.
And you came on last, and, brother, you did your thing.
The audience let you know it was good.
Thank you.
There really is no critique.
I'm-- I loved what you did.
I loved your point of view. I love--
You know, you're the guy that's still in the clubs,
you know, and-- and that-- That's a fun perspective.
I remember those times well.
The picture you painted for-- for all of us took me back,
and made everybody else go,
"Oh, yeah, that's my Saturday night."
And it was great. You were great.
Thank you, thank you.
We knew who you were right away.
You got to it right away, and your delivery's fierce.
You're on top of it. Lot of energy.
I want to hear a lot more from you.
I really enjoyed it.
Thank you. Oh, my God.
[laughs] That's insane.
Nick, you know your last name means "war" in Spanish,
and that's what you did.
You went to war tonight, and you--
and you-- and you won that war.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
That's Nick Guerra.
All right, now.
That was our last performance of the night,
and now it's time for the judges to powwow.
They'll pick who will be moving on to the semifinals,
and who's gonna be riding home with Ben Kronberg.
He wrote one of the funniest jokes I ever heard.
Yeah, he was very good. I liked him.
- Yeah. - He was sarcastic,
- and sharp and-- - He was witty.
And he went back and forth with us.
I didn't think his set was that good.
- He wrote a good set. - He'll be great in five years,
- but-- - That's probably right.
What about-- We all agree here, right?
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
We got--we got to get him. Yeah, yeah.
- And this guy. - Yeah, hilarious.
- Yeah, got him. - Oh, my God, yeah.
She was good, too, but not outstanding.
Ooh.
[making kissing sounds]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
The results are in.
The first comic moving on to the semifinals is...
Dana Eagle!
[cheers and applause]
Being in the semifinals is awesome.
I just became a semifinalist.
Nick Guerra!
[cheers and applause]
I am so happy and relieved, and I feel awesome.
And I made Roseanne laugh.
[cheers and applause]
That was, like, my big goal.
Erin Jackson, y'all.
Erin Jackson.
[cheers and applause]
I'm excited.
I mean, there was some real heavyweights in here tonight.
There she goes.
I think I could be
the Last Comic Standing, absolutely.
I wouldn't be here if I didn't think that.
Who said no? Did someone say no?
Mike Vecchione.
[cheers and applause]
I'm super happy that I advanced,
because I wasn't sure how it was gonna play out.
Lookin' good up here, y'all.
Lookin' real good.
I'm just enjoying the moment.
And I'm super happy.
Jasper Redd!
[cheers and applause]
I just feel real happy right now.
And not for myself, but for my family.
Lachlan Patterson!
[cheers and applause]
This business is full of a lot of rejection.
So when you get positive feedback,
how great is that?
They liked me.
Tyree Elaine.
[cheers and applause]
I'm so excited.
I have not won anything ever.
Last time somebody called my name,
it was for graduation 2004, and at the DMV.
What?
Only one more comic from tonight's show
will get a shot in the semifinals.
This is the moment of truth.
And here it is.
Jimmy Shubert!
[cheers and applause]
Jimmy!
It's exciting.
Probably won't sleep tonight, actually.
[cheers and applause]
Get on down here, Jimmy.
That's the fastest I've moved in months.
[cheers and applause]
Thanks a lot from Last Comic Standing.
I'ma see you next week.
ANNOUNCER: Eight are moving on,
bringing tonight's total to 14 comics
who will advance to the semifinal.
Next week, our third group of top comics takes the stage
as the invitational continues.
Oh, yeah!
ANNOUNCER: The punches start flying.
Bam. You ready for this?
ANNOUNCER: As the level of competition gets even higher.
Do you smoke pot?
I've never smoked pot in my life.
Oh, well, you need to start smoking some.
ANNOUNCER: Nothing's off limits...
I have two nieces.
I have a four-year old niece,
and the other one's fat.
ANNOUNCER: As the comics battle to move on
to the semifinals
and take one step closer to the title
of Last Comic Standing.
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com