sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Harper! Don't leave your bike in the driveway.
Grandma, I'm naked.
Don't leave your bike in the driveway.
Okay, I won't do it again.
I know you won't, because I just ran over it.
What? Grandma!
Don't leave your bike in the driveway!
Hey, what was Harper yelling about?
Nothing.
I just walked in on him while he was taking a shower.
Mom, you can't do that.
- He needs his privacy. - Why?
I've pulled bigger pieces of meat out of my teeth
- than what I saw there. - Okay, that's why he needs his privacy.
Ay, please. I walked in on you all the time.
Didn't hurt you. It hurt me,
seeing you there with yourself, pulling the string.
I wanted to poke my eyes out.
You know, I wish you had poked your eyes out.
Then, I could've got a German shepherd to take care of you.
[mimics barking] Lunch!
Can I tell you something and you won't get mad?
Here we go again.
He's not your son. He doesn't look anything like you!
Okay, Mom, I was there the day he came out.
Yeah, but were you there the day he went in?
Okay, you know what? We're done here, all right?
That white whore is bleeding you dry,
and ese blanquito is not even yours.
He's illegal. You're harboring an illegal in this house.
[laughs]
Oh, really? Only one?
Oh, my god. You too?
- Oh. - Nice to see you too, George.
So Harper has a bassoon lesson today,
and guess what he left at my house.
- [laughs] The bassoon? - Yeah.
I mean, you don't...
you don't think he did it on purpose, do you?
No, Mac. You know what?
Every teenage boy wants to play
an instrument that sounds like a fart.
All right, time for my solo.
[mimics bassoon]
Well, Ivy league schools are desperate for woodwinds.
That fart could propel him right into Yale.
Oh, here is Mr. Yomake's bill.
Pfft. Bill?
Are you serious?
This fool wants to charge me $150 an hour?
Well, Mr. Yomake plays with the philharmonic.
I could teach Harper for free with my hand and my armpit.
[sighs] For now, can you just get Harper to his lesson on time?
- Alma. - Mackenzie.
[door closes]
I think you're starting to warm up to her.
Hey, you're paying a chino $150 to do what?
Make rice with his feet?
[laughs]
Mom, Mr. Yomake plays for the philharmonic, okay?
He's teaching Harper how to play the bassoon,
and it's none of your business. Go back in there.
Oh. So it's none of my business
that you're spending money on a kid that's not even yours.
Okay. I don't wanna hear it anymore, okay?
And when Harper's in the bathroom, stay out.
- Please respect his privacy. - I'll respect Harper's privacy
when he goes and lives with his real family, the o'Briens.
[groovy rock music]
'Sup, fool?
1x04 - Having My Baby
Why can't you cook carne asada or empanadas?
Whatever you're cooking smells like ass.
It's healthy, Ma. It's kale.
What do you want me to tell you? It smells like ass.
Dad, Dad.
Can I have $30? You can take it out of my allowance.
We don't give money to strangers.
Lay off him, Mom. What's it for, Harper?
This kid at school is selling me a very rare "jace,
the mind sculptor" card to go with my ancestral recall.
English. Doesn't anybody speak English in this house?!
[sighs] Dad, it's a magic: The gathering card,
this awesome game where wizards called "planeswalkers"
battle each other with spells and enchantments.
Mm-hmm, yeah. I'll tell you what. Just go.
- Don't tell me any more. - Thanks, Dad.
- Hey, little man. - Hey, Uncle Tio.
Studying again?
Look, go outside. Experience life.
That's how you learn things. Like today, I learned
you can't use a stack of empty beer cans as a car jack.
Luckily, I was born with an uncrushable windpipe.
- But my ear hurts a lot. - I'll remember that.
[chuckles]
Yo, Georgie, hey. You're not gonna believe this.
Some fool in my Corvette club installed a chain-link
steering wheel in his '74 Stingray, just like mine.
- So? - So he's copying me!
Tio, he's not copying you. He's Mexican, okay?
And let me tell you something.
They're putting a chain-link fence around this country.
You should be concerned with that if you ever want
- to see your wife again. - Not really.
I need some money for some fancy rims.
What do you need fancy rims for?
Tio, your car is on blocks in the front yard.
Just like his. He's copying me.
- Forget it. - Just give him the money.
Don't be such a cheap-ass.
Oh, so it's okay to give Tio hundreds of dollars,
but not 30 to my own son?
Tio's blood.
Hey, I thought we settled this. Harper is my son.
Okay, estupido.
Prove it.
"E-Z paternity test"? Where'd you get this?
I keep 'em laying around just in case. You know.
Oh. [groans]
That white thief whore is taking you for a ride.
You were always gullible.
Remember when he was 12, Tio?
We took him to that Dodger game, but it was sold out?
Come on, not that story again.
We sent you to buy tickets from the sculptor.
[both laugh]
We get to the gate,
and we find out they were for the day before.
[laughs] You remember that, George?
How could I forget?
All the way home, "what day is it, George? What day is it?"
[laughs]
- Gullible George. - Yeah, like the monkey. [laughs]
Why is it so hard to believe Mackenzie stepped out on you?
You were working all the time back then.
Yeah, and there was that blond vato at the club.
- He was always giving her the sex eye. - Who is that, Sean?
Mackenzie's tennis instructor? Oh, come on, Tio.
He wasn't giving her the sex eye.
Oh, yeah, that white whore was getting some.
Will you stop calling the mother of my only child a "white whore?"
If she was more of a whore, we'd probably still be married.
Don't you wanna be 100% sure?
Oh, my god. Okay, listen to me.
I'm done talking about Sean and sex eyes and DNA tests.
I know Harper is my blood in here.
- I thought you did great out there. - Dad, I suck.
And why does golf take so long?
Well, maybe we would've played faster if you didn't make snow
- angels in the sand trap. - I got bored.
- Hi, honey. How'd it go? - It was long.
[sighs] Stick with tennis, honey.
What's wrong with golf?
It's athletics for alcoholics.
[Sean] Harper.
- Sean! - Hey.
Missed you out there on the court today.
- I had to play golf with him. - Oh.
- Hey, George. - Oh, my god. Hi, Sean.
Senor Lopez, you forgot to sign for your round.
Hey, let's get a shot for the club newsletter.
- Oh, I'm sorry, excuse me. - Sorry.
Wow.
They look like the perfect all-American family.
Yeah. Thanks a lot, Martin.
All right, Harper. You ready for lunch?
Actually, Harper and I have plans.
- We do? - Yeah, we do now.
Very special father-and-son plans.
Well, okay, then. I'll see you at home, honey.
- Bye. - See you later, George.
Yeah. Oh, my god. You rock. Bye, Sean.
So this was your favorite place when you were a kid?
Yep. What do you think?
To be honest, I was kind of expecting
someplace with roller coasters and fast rides.
You wanna go fast? Order the number 6.
I don't understand. Why are we here?
I've had lots of Mexican food before.
Flamin' hot cheetos don't count, Harper.
Do they have a burrito in a bowl here?
That's not even a thing.
- It is at chipotle. - Chipotle?
Harper, this is authentic, man. This is the real deal.
This is getting back to your roots.
- I mean, do you feel it, son? - I feel it's greasy.
Yes, it's greasy. The grease holds the flavor together.
[laughs]
It's only good if it's greasy, if it's running
down your chin and you're wiping it off your face.
My dermatologist told me I shouldn't touch my face.
Oh.
Dad. Dad, look in the window.
They got a "C" health rating.
Yeah, that's a... that's a Mexican "C."
You see, 'cause it's red. That means "caliente."
Stop looking at it.
"En-free-joe-lattas"?
Enfrijoladas.
"Em-panda dee mole knee-grow"?
Empanada de mole negro.
Just order the chicken tacos.
Okay, I'm going to wash my hands. Do they have a bathroom?
What kind of place you think this is? Yes, of course.
Go out the back, make a left.
The 76 gas station at the corner.
Hey, let me know if you need help carrying the key.
- Ready to order, amigo? - Yeah, hey.
[chuckles]
Hey, the "C" that's in the window, que paso?
Eh, they caught me on a day that I wasn't expecting them.
So where's that little white kid you came in with?
Did he get chorro already? [chuckles]
No, my son... he went to the bathroom to wash his hands.
[laughs]
Your son? Yeah, right.
Yeah, I know he doesn't look like me, but that's my son.
[speaking Spanish]
[laughter]
[speaking Spanish]
Hey, we don't adopt them. They adopt us.
[laughs]
Yeah, keep laughing. Yeah, just let me order, all right?
How about some enfrijoladas con queso y crema?
And what will Harry Potter have?
[laughter]
- His name is Harper. - Oh. Harper.
What will Harper Potter have?
I got his birth certificate, if you don't believe me.
Hombre, we all got birth certificates. I got two of them.
So what are you really, man, huh?
The driver? Personal soccer coach?
The "manny?"
Hey, homey. How much is the ransom?
[laughter]
- Come on. - Where are we going?
We're going to chipotle, where a Mexican
can be treated with the respect that he deserves.
Vamonos, Harper!
- I don't know what that means! - Come on!
Yo, Georgie. I need to use your computer fast, man.
- My "weefee" is down. - Your weefee?
Yeah, my weefee. Don't you know nothing about computers?
Weefee. [scoffs] My wireless system is down.
The wi-fi, Bill Gates. [scoffs]
Oh.
Oh, you finally gonna do the test, huh?
What? No. Pshh.
Hey, look. Georgie.
Junior's got a guy that takes tests for people.
He can get you a "no" every time.
I don't want a "no." I want a "yes."
You know what, Georgie? Junior's got a guy for that too.
No, Tio, you know what, man?
I just... I just want the truth.
You got doubts, Georgie. I can tell.
And you have qualms,
and qualms are more worser than doubts.
And your qualms and your doubts
- are giving me palpitation concerns. - All right.
You know what? Keep your qualms to yourself.
I have doubts.
- Ay-yi-yi. - What's wrong, Mom?
George, can you come and look at my foot?
I think I did something to it.
[chuckles] I'm not touching that thing.
You don't need to touch it. Just look at it.
All right. Lift up your hoof.
[grunting]
- Ow! - You're taking that test.
Now all I need is a hair from Harper,
and finally, we'll know for sure.
Ow.
Yeah, hey, Georgie, like that vato
Jerry Lewis king said, "let the truth be free!"
George, do you have an illegitimate child?
- Tio told you? - Oh, my god.
In Mazatlan. His name is Armando,
and he's the tiniest bullfighter in the world.
Ha, ha! Armando, come down!
You and daddy can love each other in the light, mijo!
I was looking at your credit card statement online,
and this came up.
Why are you looking at my credit card statements?
Right here. A charge for a paternity test?
Oh.
Look me in the eye and tell me you did not order that kit.
I did not order that kit.
My Mom did.
She doesn't think that Harper is my son.
- And you believed her? - No. Of course not.
It's just that... [sighs] at the club, okay?
Seeing you and Harper and Sean, you guys looked happy.
You guys looked like a family.
Sit down, George. I should probably tell you this
before the test results come back.
- Sean and I did have a fling. - Sean?
It was when you were spending all that time away,
promoting La Energia.
I was lonely. Very lonely.
One day after tennis, it just happened.
- Nine months later, I had Harper. - Oh.
Every day, I prayed he would look more like you.
He just never did.
- Oh, my god. - I'm so sorry, George.
[sighs]
I don't know what to say
because that story is total... [snickers]
Bull-cheese! [laughs]
Bull-cheese?
Come on, where do you get that, whole foods?
Come on. [laughs]
[sighs]
I would never have a fling with Sean. What is wrong with you?
Well, I mean, you know, Harper.
I mean, Mac, he doesn't look like me. He doesn't sound like me.
- What am I supposed to think? - Not that I cheated.
I would never cheat on you. I loved you.
Come on... [sighs] I loved how you worked harder
when people said you'd never be a success.
I even loved how close you were with your mother,
which is the sickest thing I have ever seen.
But I loved you in spite of that.
[chuckles]
Do you even want Harper to be your son?
You know I do. I love Harper.
Well, so just be happy he is yours, and leave it at that.
- Mackenzie. - Alma.
[door closes]
I don't like the way she says my name.
- Victoria's Secret? - Oh, good. My thongs are here.
I didn't know depends made thongs.
- Oh. - Oh, I know that look.
Those are the paternity results.
Come on, cobarde. Open it.
[sighs]
I'm not sure if I want to, all right?
I feel a little bit guilty for sending it in.
Georgie, you didn't send 'em in. We did.
And lo and behold, I was very discreet.
Go ahead, George. Or are you afraid?
[sighs]
Yes! Ha!
All 20 markers. Look at that, a perfect match.
Read it and weep.
Oh, I forgot. You can't read or weep.
[chuckles]
I know what I know en mi corazon.
Georgie, let's get drunk.
That's what junior does every time he finds out he has a kid.
Oh, Tio, man, I'm... I'm not in the mood.
You're like a lady, Georgie.
One minute, you want a kid. Next minute, you don't want a kid.
You should get your tubes tied.
You know, when there was a chance
that Harper wasn't mine, I kind of understood
why we didn't have anything in common.
And now, what do I got?
I got a kid I can't connect with.
[sighs] That's almost worse.
That's heavy, Georgie. And deep.
That's heavily deep.
Hey, Dad. Oh, you're busy. I'll come back.
Oh, no. Harper, come on.
Come on in. What's going on?
I heard you and Mom fighting about me the other day.
What exactly did you hear?
That you think someone else might be my dad.
You know, I did think that.
Clearly, you and I are not alike. [chuckles]
I mean, Harper, there's nothing about you that's Mexican, man.
- You don't even like the food. - I can't even pronounce it.
And I hate golf.
I know, and that's the whitest part about me.
Harper, you like science fiction. It gives me a headache.
If Mexicans liked the future, we wouldn't always be late.
So are you my Dad?
According to the paternity test, I am.
Are you happy about that?
Yes, Harper. I'm very happy about that.
I just wish you were... you were a little bit darker.
What about you? Are you happy that I'm your dad?
Totally. We just have nothing in common.
Yeah, well, listen. That's the good part.
Now, we got time to work on that.
- Would you learn tennis? - No.
Hey, but what about that magic-thingy,
bloodsucker card that you bought? I'd like to see that.
Turns out it was fake. I was totally ripped off.
- You got ripped off? - Dad, they misspelled "magic."
You should've seen the way the guys were laughing at me.
I wanted to run away, but I just stood there.
'Cause it felt like your legs were made out of lead?
- Yeah. - And your face got all sweaty,
and you felt like you were gonna puke?
Exactly. How did you know?
Pshh, you think you're the only Lopez
to get ripped off over a worthless piece of paper?
How do you think the Mexicans lost California?
The native Americans, they got the casinos.
And what did we get? The missions.
Let's go in the kitchen,
make a couple of peach-banana smoothies,
and your dad will tell you a story.
It was the first game of a doubleheader
at Dodger stadium, Harper, totally sold out.
The only people that had tickets were the sculptors.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~