We're all adults. What's the harm? Ripped By mstoll
We can do this with dignity, self-restraint and, dare I say, honor.
The game is True American...
One-two-three-four, JFK...
FDR.
King of the castle, baby.
Grover Cleveland round. Non-consecutive shots.
[ALL YELLING]
Welcome to Ellis Island, folks.
- You're a Bill. - Agh!
- You're a George. - Yes.
- You're a Bill. - Agh.
You're Greek, get out of here.
- What? Why am I Greek? - You're a Greek. Get out of here. And you...
- Unh! - He's got the plague. Scatter!
Hello!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Taft just sat on you.
My name is Eli Whitney. I created the cotton gin.
ALL [CHANTING]: Gin! Gin! Gin!
Agh! Oh!
[NICK SNORES]
Oh, God.
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess
[NICK GROANS]
- Son of a... - Ooh.
Jess, did we die?
- No, alive. - Shh.
- Turkey bacon. - Aw.
- That's nice. That's nice. - That's nice.
- Good sleep? - Unh.
- It's time for hydration. - Mm.
Oh. Help me out.
I'm trying. You're... Unh.
You drink some water.
Son of a bitch, the water fell on the ground.
Here. Here you go.
Drink the water. That's good.
[PHONE BEEPING]
- Oh, no. Agh. - No.
Make it stop. Jessica, make it stop.
Agh!
Oh, unh.
Hello.
Where are you? It's Jacob's first birthday, you're his godmother, I need you here.
Sir, hi. Who are you? This is a private residence.
I'll be right there.
[GROANING]
Hey, Nick, it's me, Jess. I've really bad news.
We have to go to a one-year-old's birthday party.
I'm not interested in that birthday party. Thanks for the invitation.
[JESS GROANS]
- Oh, I'm so hungover. Why today? - Wha...?
You think it went bad?
We're your new neighbors.
Um, I think your bagel fell out of your mouth.
I'm Jewish.
Why didn't you tell me I was wearing ladies sunglasses?
I look like Magic Johnson's son E.J.
Hey, you guys, I got a problem. You know that guy I'm dating?
Buster, your child bride?
He's 20, not that it matters.
- He smooth all over? - He take baths in the sink?
I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night.
- What? - Mm.
- Oh, dear lord. - I know.
"I miss the way that your hands smell"? Did you write a Jewel song?
- Is it from "Pieces of You"? - You wanna buy a rabbit with him?
This isn't a text message, it's a Russian novel.
Okay, well, you know, what do I do?
Text him one of the little yellow men. The emoticons. With the face...
With the faces.
I hate all of you.
So we really tanked it with those babes.
We need to orchestrate a situation which allows us to put our best foot forward.
- That's easy. We help them move. - Winston? Winston.
- Shh. - Why? It makes perfect sense.
Helping a girl move makes you come off as a doormat.
Honey, honey, honey, just listen to Coach.
Baby, look, let us handle this, okay? You go help Cece with the text messages.
You know, maybe I will, but only because I really do enjoy helping people.
You're gonna be great, buddy.
- You'll do good things, man. - Think we were we too harsh?
He makes you. He does. Don't blame yourself.
Agh.
- How the hell did this happen? JESS: Unh.
I found some things and I put them on.
- Throw this on. - Okay.
Cover up the tops.
You look great.
[CRYING]
- No. - I couldn't have done it without you.
You're getting emotional. You do this when you're hungover.
Stay focused. We can get to that party.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- We just need the gift. - I got the gift.
All right.
Why is it in the box? It's supposed to be assembled.
I said I'd put it together before the party, and it's before the party. What's the problem?
Just give me five minutes.
Ten minutes tops, but I got this thing.
This is it. Christmas morning.
Our little guy waiting by the fireplace.
But there's no gift because Daddy's in the other room putting it together.
Did you say "our kid"?
Yeah, sometimes I think about what our kid would be like. Don't you?
- Yeah. - You don't think about the future?
Can we not talk about this now? Six hours ago I was lapping cognac out of Winston's hand.
Drink it up, Checkers. Forget what you saw.
Never talk about anything serious when you're hungover.
I don't really think about it that much. I just think about passing things.
Nothing specific.
- We live in a house by a lake. - Sounds pretty specific.
We live in a town with history, but not so much the locals are suspicious of people.
We have two small children who are so incredibly creative they named themselves.
We don't discipline the kids because they're so afraid of disappointing us.
Our house smells like cider.
And if there's a horse out back, you're not gonna get any guff from me.
Anyways, that's where I'm at. Pssh.
What are you thinking? What, um?
Where do you picture us?
Where do? Nick? Nick?
Oh, God. I still feel like crap.
Could you look at this follow-up text that I'm sending Buster?
- Your little boy? - Try to be helpful.
- What are we looking at? - Are those nursing cats?
- Winston said it was funny. - It's not. It's borderline pornographic.
Wait, those are not cats. That's a human man.
- What are they sucking on? - What websites are you going to?
- What are you guys doing out here? - Creating a bump-in with our neighbors.
Elevator's on the move. You gotta go, you're too hot.
- You'll confuse them. - Ugh!
Yes, well, it's my garden party and Zachary Quinto is not on the list.
[WINSTON GRUNTING]
- You sure you can handle that? - I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - To the right a little bit.
Son of a bitch.
We'll get you some nice, cold lemonade after this, okay? Ooh!
- Be careful. Good lord. - Agh! Unh.
We don't have to talk about the future. Let's put this toy together.
- I wanna talk about the future. - Okay. Great. All right.
It would be cool to be a long-haul trucker.
You wanna be a long-haul trucker with a family?
No, the family would be in Montana.
Or Mars Landing, you know, if the government finally steps up.
Where is Mars Landing?
Where is Mars Landing? It's on Mars. It's the American capital of Mars.
If you don't think there's gonna be space travel in 20 years...
...then you've got your head buried in sand, girlie. Heh.
It's already basically happening.
- I always thought I'd move back to Portland. - Oh, Portland, Earth?
It's like friendly San Francisco. Slow food, fast bicycles, great schools.
- Education is very important to me. - That makes me happy that we agree.
- I really want my kids to beg for it. - What?
- Force a kid into school, he'll hate it. - Oh, no.
If you make a kid work, sit in the yard and grind and grind...
- What? - Eventually, that kid is gonna beg for education.
Then you hand it to them like the gift that it should be.
- No. - That's why public school's ajoke.
I'm so hungover and my body's shutting down...
...and nothing you're saying makes any sense.
There is something serious I have to tell you about the future.
The name of my firstborn child has to be Reginald VelJohnson.
I lost a bet to Schmidt.
- Reginald VelJohnson? - That is non-negotiable, unfortunately.
- The dad from Family Matters? - Well, the actor. The dad is Carl Winslow.
- What was the bet on? - Said I could flip a big pancake. I couldn't.
[YELLING] How is this going to work?
The only upside is the original name was gonna be "Ass Baby"...
...and I kind of talked my way out of that one.
The guys in this building are sweet.
- It's no problem. - Couldn't be easier. Piece of cake.
COACH: Love it.
It was my idea to help move.
The only reason we're doing this is you forced us to.
Now they're gonna think of us as nice and helpful. Nightmare.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Oh, cool. Your brother? - Actually, it's my boyfriend.
Yet he's not here to help you move.
- He's out of the country. - Oh?
- Afghanistan. Second tour. - Ah.
Please thank him for his service.
Are you and your boyfriend and Michelle and her boyfriend...
...gonna go on a double date whenever he gets back from Afghanistan?
She doesn't have a boyfriend. She's not really the relationship type.
Oh, okay.
- Just having fun right now. - I feel you. I feel you. Ha-ha-ha.
Girl, I wanna feel you.
- And then there was one. - May the best man win.
- I'm also involved in this. - Winston, get out of here.
Then there were three guys.
Here's what I'm saying. Reginald is way too shy to beg for an education.
He's sensitive. When he's out on the horse, he's staring at leaves and writing poems.
You know how many people are killed on a horse every year?
Hey, you're not listening to what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is, I'm not gonna take Reginald out on the damn lake...
...when you're out on your space truck. - We're not living by the lake.
Why would I spend my hard-earned truck driver money on an Earth house?
You make up so much science fiction, but you know nothing about science.
- Science is a belief. - No, do you know what science is?
- Yes. - Have you taken a class?
- I've taught two at community college. - When did you teach at a college?
I didn't think you were gonna fact-check me.
My kids are not gonna beg for an education, okay?
They're gonna be forced to go to school just like everybody else and hate it!
Can I actually be very real for a second?
- Yes. - Here's what I believe.
You can create a plan for your life...
...and then crazy things get thrown at you.
And that, by the way, is the closest thing that I have to a plan.
So maybe it's crazy to talk about being an intergalactic truck driver.
What I think is crazier is trying to plan every single detail of our future.
I think it's crazy not to.
I just can't live that way.
- I guess we just disagree. - Well, we never agree on anything.
Why are we doing this right now? We're hungover.
Just because I wanna know we're going in the same direction.
- Yes, we are. - Well, we live on different planets.
You're talking about the fake future!
I just...
I guess we want different things.
- Clearly we do. - Well, clearly we do.
All right, so, what are you saying? Should we just break up?
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, right, like we're just gonna break up. Over what?
- You don't like lakes, I don't like space. - This is not why people break up.
"I wanna break up with you, sir."
[IN LOW VOICE] "Well, I break up..."
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't do voices. - I think I'm still drunk.
- Let's get to the party. - Build this toy and go.
We are an unstoppable toy-building team.
- Yes, we are. - Yeah.
First hurdle: The instructions are upside down.
It's a false alarm.
Okay, what do you got?
- Take the thing that looks like a meth lab. - This thing?
And put it in the thing that looks like a pipe bomb.
- Oh, hey! - Oh, hey!
Now we're cooking with gas.
- We're a good team. - I agree.
If you wanna move to Portland in the future, then we're gonna move.
You know, we'll live by the lake. I'll learn to fish...
...and me and Reginald will start a newsletter. "Lake Father, Lake Son."
If you wanna be a long-haul trucker, I can deal with that for six months, tops.
This piece is a little sticky, but I think I can jam it.
What did you just do, Jess?
Well, I put the swastika in the guillotine.
- How is this a children's toy? - Why is it so brittle?
- What is that? - I'm not sure what I've been doing.
[GRUNTS]
- Hey, Michelle. - Hey, you guys are lifesavers.
You have beautiful taste. Early Californian?
You know this color, actually, it symbolizes a woman's fertility.
Huh. I was pregnant once.
- Cool. - Well, what do you know?
- Yeah. Thank you, guys, so much. SCHMIDT: No, thank you.
Talk to you late... Did you see her blink at me?
- What do you think, that was a sex blink? - Definitely a sex blink.
You would not know a sex blink if it blinked you in the sex.
What?
It's over already, man. You don't have a shot because the chicks you pull are gremlins.
You did not just talk about my chicks. My chicks look great, just like me.
I'm saying my chicks literally look just like me. All of them.
They vary in color, but they look like me.
That is super-awkward. I don't feel like you know what you're saying now.
Whoops. Oh!
Coach!
Oh, man, I can't believe you just did that to her vase.
Whoa, dude!
I will knock you out where you stand.
I will pound you from the side, I will pound you from the back.
Once again, Schmidt has found himself in a position where he's infuriated.
I will fight your face.
I will freak out so hard you don't even know.
WINSTON: What are you two...?
Oh, my goodness. Guys.
Her study-abroad mirror? Her dream vase?
Come on, guys.
- Have some self-respect. - You're...
NICK: Hey, Jess?
I don't think that belongs there. That's why it doesn't fit in.
Well, I don't think this water bottle goes here, either, but you put it there.
Why did we take the toy out of the box? We could have just given the box.
What does he know? He's 1. He eats pennies and poos in his pants.
Not putting the toy together is lazy.
- So if we can't put the toy together... - You can't just keep pushing it because...
- Oh. God. - Agh.
- Okay, where's the tape? - We used all the tape.
- You used the tape? - To fix the things you broke.
- You used a lot of duct tape. - You broke a lot of pieces.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, give it to me. I'm gonna use a lighter and weld it together.
What, you don't think that's a good idea? No, I think you should try it.
I also like doing Zippo tricks.
- Agh! - What happened?
- I burned my finger. JESS: Are you okay?
It's fine. Skin is bubbly.
- I knew that was a bad idea. - Why didn't you say it?
Why didn't you put the toy together when I gave it to you two weeks ago?
Because I'm not Santa Claus.
I don't just put toys together two weeks in advance.
And also, it's none of my business what they wanna do with the toy.
Maybe they wanna return it. Maybe they wanna put it together as a family.
That is not my business. What do you want from me, Jess?
I just want you to take a little more responsibility.
And I want you to have faith in me.
I've gotten this far in my life and I'm doing just fine.
I mean, for the most part. There's definitely a few blunders here and there.
The blanket's on fire. The blanket's on fire!
- I can see that. Go get a bucket. - Where, in the kitchen?
No, that's for meat. A different bucket.
- Oh, right, the famous meat bucket. - You said the bucket was brilliant.
Why would I think an unrefrigerated bucket of meat was a good idea?
To taste what meat tasted like before electricity.
Why would you want that?
- Why did you say it was brilliant? - Because, Nick...
...if I was always honest with you...
...then we would never stop fighting.
[ALARM BEEPING]
- Let's go. - We have to go.
- Wait, my hat. - What?
My hat.
- So sorry. I'm sorry. - So sorry.
It was uncool. I'm so sorry. Do you need? Here, do you want...?
How did this happen?
It was Winston. He carries things wrong.
What?!
I've heard just about enough from you two.
- Ow! SCHMIDT: Winston!
I know you're both smart enough to know exactly who broke your things.
The same clowns who've been trying to sex Michelle every which way from Tuesday.
I ain't gonna lie. I've been trying to sex you every which way myself.
I'd be crazy not to. You're a very beautiful woman.
You have crazy witch eyes and I dig it.
You're like a witch, you know.
But I'm a good guy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have ajob to do.
My name is Winston Bishop. Welcome to the building.
SCHMIDT: Whoa, Winston, I would not... - What are you doing?
- Whoa! - Agh.
[GROANING]
SCHMIDT: Son of a...
You know the building's on fire?
WINSTON: I've got this. Move, move!
BUSTER [OVER PHONE]: Cece, hey.
Oh, hey. Um, I didn't think you'd pick up the phone.
I'll make this quick since I'm sure you hate talking on the phone.
Oh, I actually do because I'd much rather talk in person.
You know, face-to-face.
What are you doing here?
I just... I was walking over here to see you and then you called me.
Didn't all those texts really freak you out?
Oh, no, no, no. They freaked me out. I thought you were gonna murder me.
I called my mother, changed my locks.
But then I had a change of heart and I thought, "Well, I like this girl."
I'd much ratherjust come and look at you with my eyes and talk to you with my face.
If you ever got off the damn phone.
- Yeah. I understand. - Right? Hi, Cece. How are you?
- Hungover? - Yes.
Would you like to get some pancakes?
- I could use some pancakes. - Bouncy ride.
- My kangaroo's around the corner. - Ha-ha-ha.
But I did bring an extra helmet. You're lucky.
All right.
Nick, why is this so hard? I don't wanna fight all the time.
I don't either. It's aawul.
Do you ever miss when we were just friends, Jess...
...and there wasn't this pressure to be together and to be...
- Be different people? - Yes, be different people.
I'm sorry, but I'm not that guy who's gonna put the toy together. That's just not me.
- I'm gonna leave it in the box. - I want you to be yourself.
I want you to be yourself.
- Are we? - No.
- I love you. More than I've loved anybody. - Well, I love you too.
But what if that's the only thing we have in common?
I miss my friend.
I really miss my friend too.
So, what does that mean? Are we?
Yeah.
- Earn this. - Was that Saving Private Ryan?
It was. It was a huge moment in that movie and I just... I know this is a moment.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
So, um, I'll walk you to your room, then, I guess.
- Schmidt is living in my room. - Schmidt is in your room, yeah.
- Do you think I could? Cool. - Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Jess? Jess.
You didn't have to run away.
I don't know what you're so afraid of. It's just downward-facing dog in the nude.
It's a couple of testicles just hanging upside down.
I can hear you laughing in there. Yeah, you liked it.
You telling Nick about it? What's he saying? Ripped By mstoll