(THEME SONG PLAYING)
ERIC: It was one of those nights.
You know the kind, like day, but darker.
I'd had them before, except tonight
somebody was dead.
Now it was my job to catch a murderer,
and believe me, there were plenty of suspects.
Him.
Her, not the cop.
Her.
Him.
Her.
That guy next to her, that guy, him.
And, of course, the guy with the hat.
Not me.
I'm the guy talking.
So, what's your story, fez-head?
No free words in this town, flatfoot.
Talk ain't cheap.
Here.
But, apparently, you are.
Enough of the flattery, fez-head, I already like you.
So, come on, talk.
She got in the way.
In the way of what?
You're the detective. You figure it out.
ERIC: He had a point.
Maybe that's why he wore a hat.
But not only did I have to figure out who killed her and why,
I also had to figure out who she was.
(CARTOONS PLAYING ON TV)
(CORY LAUGHING LOUDLY)
Oh, that's great!
That's great! That's great!
(CARTOON SOUNDS CONINUE)
Something wrong?
Cory, you and I have the exact same paper due tomorrow.
How is it that I'm sitting here, studying,
and you're sitting there, watching that stupid coyote
fall into the Grand Canyon again?
I want to make sure he's gonna be all right.
He's always all right!
What if this is the one time he dies?
How can you live like this?
You're always prepared.
You're always ready. I hate ready!
Stop, stop! Just stop picking up the popcorn, okay?
Now, listen to me.
You've worked very hard tonight, okay?
You deserve a little break.
Now, I want you to sit here, okay?
Just sit with Cory. Relax a little bit.
And we're gonna watch some nice, quality animation.
Cory, we are married now. We're adults.
We have to be responsible.
Responsibility is not popcorn or cartoons.
(IMITATING) Responsibility is not popcorn or cartoons!
And, frankly, you could use a bit of stress in your life!
Oh, you think so?
You think I should make everyone nuts
by being a stressed-out, control freak,
until everyone wants to kill me?
Oh, you want to kill me?
No.
I'm just talking about, you know,
everyone that knows you. (CHUCKLES)
Look, Topanga, life is just too short for this, okay?
And the difference between you and me, is that me knows that.
Did you just use "me" , as the subject of a sentence?
I don't believe it.
Topanga, come on!
Relax! Take a little time-out.
Cory, this is life!
You can't take a time-out from life.
Just because something bad happens
doesn't mean you can escape into a fantasy world.
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
Fine, you want me to relax?
I'll relax.
That's my girl! I will clean the closet.
Cleaning is not relaxation.
Well it's better than watching a duck with a speech impediment!
Daffy is doing the best he can with what he has, all right!
He's an idiot!
(LAUGHS)
Cory, did you know that there was a doorway back here?
(LAUGHS ) Oh, yeah!
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
(RUMBLING NOISE)
You know those time continuum vortex things
we're studying in physics?
This kind of looks like one.
I wonder what's behind...
(VORTEX WHOOSHING)
Topanga, this popcorn needs salt.
(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ In the olden days, a glimpse of stocking
♪ Was looked on as something shocking
♪ Now Heaven knows
♪ Anything goes ♪
ERIC: Rory's Shangri-la Cafe.
Where you check your problems at the door.
People come here for all different reasons
but stay for just one, to forget.
Ella Fitzgerald Kennedy,
used to sing with Sinatra.
Irv Sinatra.
The guy ticklin' the ivories is, Wee Hawkin Willy.
Direct descendant of Beethoven.
Harry Beethoven.
Fez-head and Costello, they're always together.
People talk.
Hey, move away from me, fez-head, people are talking.
Don't flatter yourself, Gertrude.
Aw, crazy, mixed-up kid. You look lost.
That's Angel, 'nuff said.
Hi, I'm Angel Nuffsaid.
How about a cup of joe?
I'd love one, but I don't seem to have any money.
Nobody needs money here, kid.
This is Rory's Shangri-la.
Meet Isaac "Good Shot" Kelly.
Walked into this place yesterday and never left.
Everyone seems so carefree here, so relaxed.
Well, you can be too!
Forget your troubles. Come on, get happy!
That could be a song.
Nah.
You know, if you're looking for a job,
Angel could use some help around here.
(LAUGHS)
There I go again!
She's the worst waitress I've ever seen.
But we all love her for that.
So, what are you runnin' from, sister?
What do you mean?
Well, everyone that comes to Rory's,
is runnin' away from somethin',
or trying to find somethin',
usually themselves.
I don't know who I am, or why I'm even here.
No one does, and no one has to.
All that matters is that we're here.
Is everybody happy?
ALL: Rory!
ERIC: That's Rory.
He owns this place and everything in it.
But he doesn't own her...
Yet.
And where have you been all my life, baby?
I don't know.
So, who are you really, and where are you from?
What did you do and what do you think?
I don't know who I am or even why I'm here.
I know someone who can help.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
ERIC: That's where I come in. I'm the local gumshoe.
That's gum, on my shoe.
More gum.
Someone's here to see ya.
What do you mean, a case?
No silly, a person.
(LAUGHS)
ERIC: Beauty and no brains, a dangerous combination.
I'm talkin' about me.
Is this a bad time?
I had a feeling that if it wasn't yet,
it was gonna be.
Gonna be what?
What?
I just heard you say... No, I didn't.
But, I heard you!
She was as stubborn as a mule, with twice the kick.
You did it again!
Did what?
Maybe this was a mistake.
What? I didn't say anything.
Yes, you did!
Listen, please, please, please, don't go!
We don't get a whole lot of crime here in Shangri-la,
so, uh, I don't have a lot of cases.
Please, just sit down.
What seems to be the problem, Miss?
I know this may sound crazy,
but I don't seem to know who I am or why I'm here!
I seem to have lost track of my identity.
The case of the missing identity.
I'm gonna need some ID.
Topanga, hurry up!
Tweety's putting dynamite in Sylvester's litter box!
Aah! (LAUGHS)
Hey, Trixie!
Do you have the time?
Honey, I got all the time in the world!
Ah, now you're talkin' our language.
Shangri-la looks good on you, honey.
You know, you really seem to fit in here.
Like a glove, toots.
A girl like me could get so used to living in a place like this!
Kind of feel like I was meant to be here.
Hey, dollface.
Hey.
I was talking to fez-head.
Nice to see you, moron.
I think I've got a lead on your case.
What case?
He means "person."
(LAUGHS)
Hmm.
You don't remember who you are, remember?
Oh, that's right!
I was having such a good time here, I forgot!
Like most people who come to Rory's,
she too had found her Shangri-la.
Hey, Ella, that last song was a real doozie!
I couldn't sing a note without sweet Willy on his 88s.
ERIC: She didn't sing so good, and he didn't play so good.
But in Shangri-la, nobody cares.
She don't sing so good, fez-head.
He don't play so good.
We don't care! We don't care!
Some more coffee, handsome?
Sure, hit me baby, one more time.
♪ Hit me baby one more time? ♪
No.
Say, doll, what do you say you and I get hitched?
What?
Yeah, you know, tie the knot,
walk down the aisle, make an honest man out of me.
You want to marry me?
Well, I hadn't really thought about it, but sure, why not?
But you don't know anything about me.
I know you're spontaneous, and I know you're carefree.
You fit in perfectly here.
And I'm not takin' no for an answer.
You won't have to, Rory.
I love it here, you big lug!
And I love you.
Kiss me!
Kiss me as if there weren't a thought between us!
Uh, sorry to interrupt,
but I think I've got some leads on your missing identity.
Give it to me straight, stupid.
This may sound stupid,
but have you ever heard of something called a
"time continuum vortex"?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
"Time continuum vortex"?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
(TOPANGA) This is life!
You can't take a time-out from...
Responsibility is not popcorn...
CORY: (IMITATING) Responsibility is not popcorn or cartoons!
TOPANGA: Just because something bad happens
doesn't mean you can escape into a fantasy world.
(CORY LAUGHING)
Never heard of it.
Something told me my services were no longer needed.
Your services are no longer needed.
Oh, yeah, it was her!
Now that I'm getting married,
it doesn't matter who I was.
Yeah, I seen a lot of dames like her.
Thinking they could run away from who they are.
But it's been my experience that no matter where you go,
who you really are always catches up with you.
Just think.
The two of us here together in Shangri-la.
Ain't it gonna be grand?
Could you stop saying "ain't"?
What's wrong with me saying "ain't"?
I don't know. It just kind of makes me angry.
Without knowin' it,
she was giving me clues as to who she really was.
So now that we're getting married,
maybe you could tell me what you do.
Do? (CHUCKLES) What do you mean "do"?
This is what I do. I'm a dandy.
A what?
I'm the one who says, "is everybody happy?"
ALL: Rory!
Hey!
You see what I mean?
Uh, I guess that's okay.
I guess I could be Mrs. Dandy.
Oh, that's swell.
But could she really?
Was I the only one
who thought this dame was about to run amok?
That's it!
♪ This dame's about to run amok
♪ Looks like we've all run out of luck
♪ And nothing's ever gonna be the same again ♪
That dame is poison, I tell you.
Don't say "dame"!
It's offensive!
Since when?
Since Trixie said it was, "Politically incorrect."
I've decided not to like her.
I can't take it anymore.
She's got me worried about my future.
She says gum's bad for your teeth.
She told me my songs were stupid!
They are.
Well, you don't play so good.
He don't play so well.
Oh, my God, I'm like her.
Go drop a dish.
She had just arrived,
and already she turned, Shangri-la into "angry-la."
Hey, fez-head.
Are you thinking, what I'm thinking?
The interloper must die!
Yeah, die! Die!
ALL: (CHANTING) Die! Die!
It was getting ugly.
I had to do something quick
before Rory's Shangri-la was lost forever.
But first, I had to bend down to pick up Feeny's hat.
Did I say "Feeny"? I meant fez-head.
Gotta think, gotta think.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Damn!
I wish I knew how to read.
Oh, well.
Hello?
Vortex who?
(LAUGHS)
(VORTEX WHOOSHING) (GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(CARTOONS PLAYING ON TV)
See, Topanga? The coyote's up and ready for more.
The man's a genius.
Aah! Aah!
Rory?
(IMITATING) Reric? How'd you get in here?
Through the vortex.
Why are you dressed like that?
I could ask you the same question.
What's that coyote doing in that box?
(BOTH LAUGH)
Anyway, why am I here?
Usually it's 'cause you're lost.
Huh.
Trixie.
Huh?
You know Trixie. That must be why I'm here.
That's not Trixie. That's my wife, Topanga.
You know, my wife?
Your wife was transported to an alternate universe.
As far as I can tell, your closet is a vortex
that connects your reality with ours.
Topanga, come out of the closet, Eric's drunk.
Drunk with knowledge.
Come with me.
Fine, you want to put on Topanga's shoes again,
we'll put on Topanga's shoes.
(VORTEX WHOOSHING)
Damn it to hell, we're too late.
Why would somebody do this?
She was gettin' in the way.
In the way of what?
Of our happiness.
We was all relaxed and happy, until she came along.
You're a very good-looking man, by the way.
Topanga was a very good person.
Yeah, well, now she's good and dead.
(CHUCKLING)
She ain't gonna bother us no more.
She was a stress case, man.
So somebody killed her.
Now it's my job to figure out who done it.
(ALL WHISTLING)
Hey, hey, hey! Nobody move!
You're all suspects!
Yeah, you know, don't leave town!
Hold on!
Okay.
You know, maybe Topanga was a little annoying.
And maybe sometimes,
she made me a little exasperated.
But I never once thought of doing this!
All right, maybe a little. But I never did!
Which is the difference between me...
And you.
Now, tell me, why did you do it?
I did it because she was ruining my good time.
She was ruining our entire way of life.
COSTELLO: Yes, she was. ELLA: Yeah, yeah.
Why is that?
Because in your hearts you knew she was right?
Because you knew that even though she'd change you, it would be for the better?
That's why I need her in my life.
And you know why she needs me?
Get up, Topanga.
I can't.
I'm dead.
No, you're not.
This isn't real.
I knew that.
This whole thing is a cartoon.
It's pretend.
But, I think it's what you needed.
It was?
Yeah. It was.
(SIGHS)
All right, I think it's time I actually did some studying.
Mmm, why don't we take a break first?
Shouldn't we clean up the popcorn?
The popcorn can wait.
You're kidding.
Ah!
(LAUGHS)
Let's watch some cartoons.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
ERIC: Shangri-la, heaven on earth.
Utopia.
Is it hidden somewhere far away?
Or just tucked behind the shoe rack in your closet?
The choice is yours.
(VORTEX WHOOSHING)
(LAUGHS) Isn't this great?
Yeah, ain't it?
You said, "ain't."
I know.