So, diary, this just in.
Richard and Kendall broke up last week.
And it's pretty weird.
I think Kendall blames me for it.
I just get this really weird feeling she's mad at me.
Morning, Kendall.
Oh, hi, Kimmie. I was just thinking about you.
Good afternoon, Kendall.
Oh, hi, Kimmie. I was just thinking about you.
Good night, Kendall.
Oh, hi, Kimmie. I was just thinking about you.
It's probably nothing, but just in case,
this will be behind my desk tomorrow.
Just... Just in case.
♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ I'm having such a good time ♪ ♪ Good time ♪
♪ I'm having a ball ♪ ♪ Super fun night ♪
♪ Don't stop me now ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time ♪
♪ I don't want to stop at all ♪
♪ Super fun night ♪ ♪ Super fun wild night ♪
Kendall? You wanted to see me?
Yes, uh, while you were at lunch,
I had research put some pertinent files in your office
for the PowerPoint presentation you'll be giving the group tomorrow.
Oh, thanks for that.
- Are you busy? - Not at all.
Just answering e-mails while "friendscaping" on my phone
and toning my thighs with a squeeze ball.
What can I do for you?
Um, I just wanted to make sure we were okay.
What do you mean?
Oh, well, we were starting to become friend...ly...ish.
And I'm beginning to sense some tension,
and I think it might be because of what happened
between you and Richard.
Oh, Kimmie, if you're asking if I blame you
for what happened between me and Richard,
well, the answer is yes.
- Oh. - I do.
Okay.
Well, I appreciate that honesty.
I'm not gonna fall through a trap door, am I,
into a pit of Komodo dragons a la James Bond?
No. Aah! Just kidding. No.
I wouldn't do that, Kimmie. I'm not a vindictive person.
Oh! Good.
What happened last week... it's over.
- I don't like to live in the past. - Me, either.
Oh! Except when I'm playing Princess Kimberley at Barad Dune,
the tri-state's largest adult-fantasy renaissance camp.
♪ I pluck the pheasants daily ♪
♪ Underneath the apple tree ♪
♪ A-la-la, la la la ♪
Got to be kidding me.
What?
Well, Kimmie,
that is an impressive collection of cardboard boxes.
Kendall did it. It's payback.
She blames me for the two of you breaking up.
Ah. Sorry about that.
I didn't mean to get you in the middle of all this.
I didn't mean to hurt her, either.
Kendall isn't very good at dealing with personal issues.
She told me she fired her therapist
because he wouldn't help her avoid her feelings.
That's why she does stuff like this.
- But this is just so hostile. - Kendall Quinn, hostile?
Next you'll be telling me the "Twilight" movies are formulaic.
Well, to be honest, they do follow a patt... Oh.
- Mm! - Ohh!
Come on. Give me a box.
There we go.
- Okay. Good luck. - Richard!
You ask me, Kendall needs a hard kick in the clam.
No. Physical violence never solved anything, Kimmie.
That's not true.
Just tell your bosses that Kendall is harassing you.
I can't. She'd just deny it.
I need to catch her in the act. Otherwise, she'll never stop.
Oh!
And this is exactly what's gonna do that.
- Yes! - Ah.
That's the nanny cam we bought
to prove to Marika that she sleepwalks.
In my defense,
that dictionary was open to the word "sandwich."
- Is that a defense? - Yeah!
I'm just gonna hide this in my office,
and then I'm gonna get all the proof I need.
Well, I wish we could have taped what happened to us today.
Yeah, you're not gon believe who we ran into.
- O.M.G. It's you. - It is.
- We are so psyched to see you. - So psyched.
We want you to do something for us.
They're gonna give us makeovers.
They just opened a salon in Jersey City
called "You Are Hair." Classy, right?
And it's all free.
All we have to do
is let them take "before" and "after" pictures of us.
Which completely baffles me,
because usually they choose women who really need it.
I mean, I'm not saying I'm a supermodel,
but I've seen the way that guys look at me
when I'm cruising down the sidewalk on my segway.
They're like, "Whoa! Look out!"
And I'm like, "You wish!"
You know?
Yeah.
So, the core of any patent infringement case
is usage without permission.
Now, in the U.S.,
all patent infringement cases are covered under civil law.
But considering the multinational scope
of this case, criminal violations may apply.
Uh, Kimmie...
I'm sorry, but, uh, I have to interrupt.
This presentation is completely unprofessional.
- Am I right? - Yeah, I know.
I know.
Thank you so much for altering it, Kendall.
Excuse me?
I don't think so.
Really?
Do you guys really think I would voluntarily
be photographed in horizontal stripes?
Puh-lease!
Ladies and gentlemen, I call to the stand one Teddy Gumbo.
I'm sorry. What does a disgusting, old bear
have to do with your botched presentation?
Teddy knows a lot, Kendall.
For example, he knows that when I was little,
I was scared of monsters
and once buried a pair of underwear in the garden.
He also knows that you snuck into my office
and tampered with this presentation
and ate my glazed doughnut
that I was saving for my afternoon treat!
Oh, yeah. Right.
I ate carbs in the middle of the week. Totally ridiculous.
You're still denying it? Well, deny this!
High-definition video camera
that I had shoved up Teddy Gumbo's butt locker.
Let's take a look, shall we?
Aha!
She enters the office. Oh.
Sitting down, using my computer.
And there goes the doughnut.
Clearly you were trying to embarrass me
because you blame me for your break-up.
- But guess what. It didn't work. - Oh?
Okay. Well, uh, let me try this, then.
Hi, everyone. Kimmie's a virgin!
What?
No!
Everyone, no!
I have a boyfriend, and his name is James,
and we have done plenty of romantic stuff together!
- Sexy stuff! - Oh, please.
- You are such a liar. - You are such a liar.
- You are. - You are.
- Stop it! - Stop it!
Why are you saying what I'm saying?
What's happening? This is horrible.
Stop it! You are out of control!
I can't believe we have to be here with H.R. on a Saturday.
I know.
This is just like the movie "The Breakfast Club."
I'm like that shy girl that doesn't want to talk.
And you're like that mean boy that punches everybody.
If this affects my career or future promotions,
I swear to God, Kimmie,
you are gonna wish that your boobs were never born.
Well, at least my boobs were born.
As for yours, they seem to be...
Good morning, ladies.
My name is Brian Headfoot.
I'll be your mediator for today's session.
Hi, Brian.
Now, it seems you two had quite a dust-up yesterday.
Let's see here.
Okay, tampering with a colleague's work.
Name-calling.
- Destruction of a teddy bear. - I'm sorry?
Oh, she put my bear into the paper shredder...
Ass first.
Uh, how about I give you a quarter and you can buy another one?
Uh, well, I would, but I can't
because my nana bought that for me.
Now she's dead of old age! Are you happy?!
- Yes. - Okay, time-out.
Okay, you're both here to learn the difference
between appropriate and inappropriate behavior
in the workplace.
Okay, now, I know. It sounds boring, right?
Not when we play "Behavioral Bingo."
Oh. Okay.
I'm not playing.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Let me explain something to you, Miss Quinn.
I used to be a flight attendant.
- Oh. - Yeah. Thank you.
And I know your type. You don't turn off your phone.
You sneak extra carry-on into the overhead.
You want your own can of Coke.
Why can't we have the whole can of Coke?
- We have our reasons. - Okay, fine.
Let's get this over and done with.
Okay, let's start with a little warm-up exercise.
You guys ready for that? Yeah, okay.
Now, what I'd like to do is have the both of you
say something positive and trust-building
to the other person.
Whenever you're ready.
Ohh.
Now.
You know, first thing you think of.
Just a...
You know, it doesn't have to be a complete sentence.
Um, we're here to see Hayley and Heidi.
Who are you?
- Um, I'm Helen-Alice. - Ew.
- And I'm Marika. - Ew.
We're here to have makeovers.
- Ah. - Oh, you came.
Yay.
We are so pumped to be here.
The closest thing I've ever had to a makeover
is when I had my wisdom teeth pulled.
Well, before we start working on you,
we need to take your "before" picture.
Oh. Do you need us to have messy hair
and have bad clothes for the picture?
Yes. You were so sweet to do that before you got here.
Smile or whatever.
Perfect.
What is that?
Oh. This is our gear.
We use it exclusively at You Are Hair.
Registered trademark.
- I-I'm sorry. What? - What?
Let's try another exercise.
This pouch contains red and green marbles.
If you select a red marble,
you must pay the other person a compliment.
If you select a green marble,
you must reveal a flaw about yourself.
Kendall, why don't you go first?
Oh, red. That's a compliment.
Oh!
Kimmie, I'm impressed at how you can act so childlike
in such a grownup environment such as a law office.
All right, that's...
Kendall, you are really, really good at wearing high heels
and at being awful.
Okay. Good.
Kimmie, you're a lawyer...
Kendall, it is very impressive the way you use makeup
to cover up your evil.
Are there any green marbles in there? Just...
Ah. A flaw about myself.
Hmm. It's tough.
Some people would say that I'm so good-looking
that sometimes people don't realize how smart and accomplished I am.
Stop it. Stop!
Come on! You're gonna rip my sack.
Okay, first we're gonna pluck your eyebrows,
then we're gonna wax your mustache.
I have a mustache?
Yeah.
But good news...
it's super easy to shave your face.
Wow.
Now I know what a princess feels like.
This is gonna hurt a little, so tell me if it gets too bad.
It feels like a blow torch is scalding my scalp.
Great. It's working.
It feels like sulfuric acid is burrowing a hole into my skull.
Perfect.
No, I'm... I'm trying to tell you that it hurts.
Hello?
Okay. Let's try a little role-playing.
Kendall, you will be Kimmie. Kimmie, you will be Kendall.
You want me to play Kimmie?
Okay, I'm gonna need like eight cushions.
I'm gonna need like eight less cup sizes.
Okay. It's a typical day at the office.
Go.
Good morning, Kendall. Have you seen Richard today?
I would just like to tell him that, um,
if he needs anything at all, just let me know,
because I don't have a life, and I'm completely in love with him.
Um, no, I haven't seen him,
because I've been staring all day at myself in a mirror.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, some insult about your shoes.
Excuse me, Kendall.
Um, I just wanted to say real quick that, "A,"
I think you're super pretty,
and, "B," I hope that you're not mad
that I'm always hanging around Richard
in my shoes that I made from old snow tires.
Oh, Kimmie, you're so smart,
but what I was also gonna say is
why would I be mad just because I'm a self-obsessed snob
and I think my legs are awesome,
even though some would call them bony.
Okay, that's it!
This is not appropriate role-playing, okay?
You're not learning! You're not sharing!
This is an essential team-building exercise.
One of you is gonna build a bridge out of these popsicle sticks
based on the instructions you get from the other.
Okay? And you'd better impress me! Well, if you wanted to be impressed,
you should have brought in a bunch of popsicles
and watched Kimmie go to town on them.
Oh, yeah.
And if you needed to keep them cold,
Kendall could store them in her soul!
Joke around all you want, but neither of you...
- What are you doing? - Sorry, I was...
Neither of you are leaving this room
until I am satisfied that you are capable of working together
in a professional manner!
Okay, and so then you put the last two pieces
on the final post.
Done.
Let me see.
Okay, that's great. You can go home now.
Go. Thanks.
What? No! We're just getting warmed up!
♪ Kimmie and Kendall ♪
♪ We're such a good team ♪
♪ We're building bridges and building friendship ♪
Normally I'd run you through some more exercises.
But thanks to the, uh, stress you two have caused me,
my rosacea is flaring up.
And I'm supposed to be going on a blind date tonight,
so I'm sure that'll go great.
So, chalk up another perfect day for Brian Headfoot!
Bye, Brian.
Thank you.
So, wow.
Did we just literally build a bridge and get over it?
Kendall, you have to admit, when we put our differences aside,
we make a pretty good team.
Don't kid yourself, Kimmie.
I only built that stupid bridge so I could get out of here.
This isn't over, not by a long shot.
So, we're just gonna spend the next 20 years
in the same office hating each other?
Well, I can't imagine your life expectancy is that long,
but yes.
Ah. Thought I heard voices.
Richard, what are you doing here on a Saturday?
Well, I just came in to get some work done.
But then I went online and I watched "Pirates of the Caribbean."
When you marooned me
on that God-forsaken spit of land,
you forgot one very important thing, mate.
I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Ugh! Dear God. I need a drink.
Um...
Like, it's just one of those voices,
as soon as I heard it, I knew I could do it.
I just thought, "I know I can do it."
Just two minutes, and it was in my head.
Helen-Alice, Marika,
get ready to look like women for the first time in your lives.
Am I looking into a mirror,
or is that a framed photo of Eva Longoria?
Oh, my God! I'm beautiful!
Not with those goggles on. No.
It's just you dream about it,
and then you think about it, and then it happens. I'm sorry.
What a transformation.
I am literally crying my eyes out right now.
- Don't touch it. - Don't touch it.
I love it! You guys! Who bought this?!
You guys, this is the best day of my life!
- Best day! - Hey! You!
- Hi. What's your name? - Karen.
Wow, that's perfect.
Karen, could you and your ridiculous friends
please keep your happiness to yourselves?
I'm trying to have a drink here.
What do you want?
Kendall, I just can't handle it when people are mad at me.
It makes my heart go "pff, pff, pffff, pff."
You know, there are thousands of other bars in Manhattan.
Yes, but this is the only one
that's directly across the street from where we work.
Why are you here, Richard?
Kendall, I think we need to talk.
Ugh, everyone wants to talk. Doesn't anyone want to drink?
Look at this! Look at this!
- That is so cute! - I like that. That is cool.
Oh, my God! Shut up! It's a scarf!
She didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize!
Thanks again for doing all this for free.
Well, it's our duty to spread beauty.
Oh, my God. That should be our slogan.
It, like, is our slogan.
So perfect.
Sometimes I forget things.
That's why I have so many tattoos of butterflies.
Awesome.
So, uh, if I wanted to keep this sex train chugging full-time,
- what would I have to do? - Here's what you need.
Conditioner, leave-in conditioner, smoothing conditioner...
Hold. Question. What's conditioner?
Uh...
Foam, cream, putty, paste, gel,
this pomade, that pomade for sure.
Oh, what about this conditioner? It's on sale.
Oh, my God.
That's hand cream. You are so funny.
What a weirdo.
- What? - Doy!
- You didn't know about the conditioner. - Shut up.
I'm more successful than you.
I'm thinner than you. I'm prettier than you.
If you asked any random stranger who Richard should be with,
they would say me.
Well, that's not totally true.
Hey, you, scarfy!
Between the two of us, who should this guy be with?
Oh, you don't have to answer that, Karen.
And I love that scarf you're wearing.
I-it makes you look like a hot "Where's Waldo?"
Her.
What? Wait. Why?
She's nice.
Thank you.
Karen gets it.
Wow.
Can't even convince a woman who dresses like Karen
that I'm a better catch than Kimmie.
God, it's all so easy for you.
What? Easy for me?
Are you kidding?
My life is like a million times harder than yours.
Do you even know what it's like
to be teased constantly about the way you look,
to be picked last always,
to write fan erotica so extreme
that even the Internet says "too much"?
Whoa, Kimmie, I think you should stick to the point, please.
So, what keywords would I use to search for that?
- "Legs Akimbo." - "Legs Akimbo."
Kimmie, my life is difficult, too.
Do you understand the pressure of always being picked first,
to have people think that you only got where you got
because you're pretty, and to have everybody hate you
just because you can eat whatever you want
- and not gain a pound? - Oh, I hate you.
Listen, you two, this is all my fault.
Kendall, I really didn't mean to hurt you,
and I'm sorry things didn't work out.
Well, so am I. And I'm sorry, too.
And if you should be angry with anybody,
you should be angry with me, not Kimmie.
I'm not angry with Kimmie. Uh, yeah, right.
I'm not. I wish I could hate you.
It'd be so much easier just to write you off, but I can't,
because no matter how many times I steal your office chair...
That was you?
Or call TSA and put you on the no-fly list...
I'm sorry. What?
You still wish me good morning every day.
And I can tell, unlike other people...
you actually mean it.
- See? I told you she was nice. - Shut up, Karen.
Kimmie, this isn't easy for me to say, but, um...
You're actually not all that bad.
- Aww. - Ugh.
This warmth thing is really hard for me to pull off.
Oh, wait.
I think we're having a moment.
I've read about these.
Okay, uh, now that we're all officially friends,
I think I need to bring something up.
Disney cruise. Group rate.
Eight nights, seven days.
All the big names will be there...
Mickey, Minnie...the dog.
I know. I know.
Who's in?
Kimmie, prepare to have your mind blown
and your eyes blown.
We're basically just gonna blow every part of you.
- Okay. Now? - Yeah.
Ohh! Crap!
Ah.
What do you think?
- Um... - Okay, granted,
this is the first time we tried to re-create those makeovers.
But with a little practice, we're gonna get this down.
So let's do you next.
What's wrong?
Well, I don't think all three of us should turn glamorous at once.
Yeah, she's right. You're right.
Well, let's not waste these makeovers.
Let's find out where these ladies shall roam this eve.
Well, I mean, we don't have to go anywhere or...
Mixer at the Manhattan School for the Blind.
Perfect. Ah!
Sync and corrected by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com