Hey, diary!
Are you ready?!
Are you pumped?!
Pumped, pumped, pumped, pumped, pumped!
I'm pumped, because all week, I've been improving myself
with these... self-help books.
"2 Habits of Fairly Effective People."
"Women Who Love Men Who Don't Know Them."
"Eat, Pray, Love, Eat, Repeat."
I've even bought myself a self-hypnosis CD
to cure me of my food issues.
You have a desirable body type.
KIMMIE: I have a desirable body type.
You are beautiful in every way.
I am beautiful in every way.
You no longer crave hot dogs
because they are made of blended pig snouts.
Every bit of a pig is delicious.
I said, "You no longer crave hot dogs..."
I no longer crave hot dogs...
"...because they are made of blended pig snouts."
They're still pretty good, though.
A psychic told me that I would not find love until I'm 60.
Wrong, psychic!
Wrong, bitch!
♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ I'm having such a good time ♪ ♪ Good time ♪
♪ I'm having a ball ♪ ♪ Super fun night ♪
♪ Don't stop me now ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time ♪
♪ I don't want to stop at all ♪
♪ Super fun night ♪ ♪ Super fun wild night ♪
Oh, guys, that's the commercial I was telling you about.
[ Lion growls ]
Attention, ladies looking for love!
Hello. My name is Jane Spencer.
And I am an expert in feralations.
It's an exciting new field
and word that I recently invented.
Now if you are a single lady
looking to improve your love life and have $75,
then let me teach you how to be a...
[ lion roars ] love lioness.
Tonight, at the Grand Lockridge Inn.
[ Lion roars ] Unsecure parking available.
[ Chuckles ] Who needs a seminar to meet men?
Yeah, who would possibly go to that? [ Ringing ]
- Reservations for three, please. - Kimmie!
- No, absolutely not. - Guys!
- Hey. - Good morning.
Why are you all dressed up?
We're going into the office today, remember?
But it's Saturday.
It's only going to be you and I there.
My mother always said, "Never leave the house ugly.
If you get hit by a bus, they save the pretty ones first."
But don't you want to be comfortable?
Ew. No. Being comfortable is overrated.
Don't judge me, Richard. I just like to look good.
Even if it's just us?
If a flower blooms in the forest and no one's around to see it,
does it still look gorgeous?
I don't really know. Nature bores me.
That's why I moved to New York.
"Jane Spencer is a ferocious sexual predator."
I don't think she means that how it reads.
Huh... says here she's been in a hundred relationships,
both here and in Africa.
Oh! Oh, my gosh.
I would love to have an African boyfriend.
Their accents are, like, so sexy.
[ Speaking gibberish, clicking ]
- That's... That's how they talk. - Yeah.
That's... That... That wasn't being racist.
- No, no, I know. - Yeah.
- Well, I think this woman is a fraud. - What do you mean?
There is a picture of her playing pool with Tiger Woods.
Oh.
- I think it's starting. - Yeah.
[ Gasps ]
[ Tribal music plays ] WOMAN: Oh!
[ Grunting, moaning ]
[ Laughing ]
KIMMIE: Yeah!
Whoo! [ Laughs ]
[ Applause ] Good evening, ladies!
Do we have any love lionesses in the audience tonight?
Let me hear you roar!
[ Roars ] Oh.
It's okay.
Now, the love lioness concept is based on a simple premise...
in the jungle, the lioness does the hunting.
Lions don't live in jungles.
- Shh. - See...
Now, the hunt is hard.
[ Lion roars ] [ Gasps ]
But the reward is worth it.
[ Women gasp ]
- Why is he so oily? - Yeah, it's not natural.
Step one... Question... Where do you find men?
- Urologist's office! - Butcher shops!
- Uh, baseball games! - Prison!
Bars.
- Bars. - Of course.
- I was gonna say bars. - Ladies, you are not gonna meet men
sitting around in your apartment doing cat puzzles.
Now, you're in the bar.
Who do you talk to?
Your mother on the phone.
Step two... Identify your prey.
Who is the perfect man for you?
Is it... the handsome ski bum?
[ Both gasp ]
Or is it the sexy astronaut?
That guy can land on my full moon.
Or is it the thoughtful, well-groomed type
like this gentleman?
That's my type... I guess.
[ Woman screaming ]
Jungle trap! Jungle trap!
A jungle trap!
No, anybody who picked this gentleman
has to put $5 in the gay jar.
- Pay up. - Ohh.
- She did. Her. - Shh! I didn't do...
- Her, Jane. Sorry. Okay.
- She chose the gay one. - Okay, so, nobody else? Okay.
Very sorry. I apologize.
Now... Jill.
- Sorry. Sorry. - Faster on the cue.
- Sorry. - Now your prey is cornered.
It's time for step three... The pounce.
Let's take a look at Courtney here and study her body language.
How are we supposed to do this? We don't look like that girl.
She's so pretty and so thin.
Yeah, the only thing she should pounce on
is a meatball sub. [ Chuckles ]
This is a bigger waste of money
than that time I tried to learn at-home dentistry.
Guys, like all religions,
there might have been some strange bits,
but the basic message was solid.
We can't wait for guys to come to us, okay?
We have to go to them. [ Gasps ]
There's a hotel bar right there! Let's go hunting!
All right.
Can you put like eight of those croissants in your purse for me?
- I'm on it. - Thank you.
Go ahead. Oh, wait. Wait. Wait. We've been spotted.
- We've been spotted. - Oh, shoot, oh, shoot.
Behold, the crowded watering hole.
Yep, this room is clearly at legal capacity.
So, okay, step one... Find the prey.
[ Gasps ] What about him?
MARIKA: I guess.
Single out the weakest member of the pack, attack and kill.
Survival of the fittest.
No, not him.
- [ Burps ] - Him.
- Oh, yeah. - HELEN-ALICE: Oh, hello.
Cover me, ladies. I'm going in.
Crk! I'll lay down that cover, over.
- Crk, let's do this. - How you doing? Where are you from?
Sweet vest.
What do you bench? Like 350? Four-hunny? Come on.
Okay.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Stool clatters ]
- Hey. - Hey.
Would you like to buy me a drink?
Maybe not.
- Hey. - Oh.
I'll buy you a drink. What are you having?
Oh. Um...
I'll have my favorite French cocktail, please.
Some white wine with a tiny umbrella in it.
Hmm.
RICHARD: Knock-knock.
Hey. Just in time.
I have a surprise for you.
Have you bought me a monkey?
No.
Oh. Okay.
Just follow me.
[ Sighs ]
Wow! This is amazing!
- Did you do all this yourself? - Uh-huh.
Did you know they have stores that actually sell linens?
I always thought they were just delivered by maids.
Well, I'm shocked.
- And that isn't even the surprise. - Oh, really? What is?
This.
Oh, I like working Saturdays.
[ Sighs ]
[ Door creaks ] Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Don't close! Don't close!
[ Door closes ] [ Grunts ]
- It's locked. - Yeah. I know.
That's why I just said, "Don't let that door close."
Bugger.
[ Sighs ]
Do you still want to, um...
- No. - No.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
I-I-I'm Parker, by the way.
Oh. I'm Kimmie.
But my friends call me "Kimmie Cat."
[ Chuckles ]
Has anyone ever told you you look like a movie star?
No. But I love going to movies.
Actually, I think that's one of the things
I'm gonna miss the most.
Why? Are you dying?
I fly to Zimbabwe in the morning.
I'm actually part of Nurses Without Boundaries.
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
Is it good for a nurse not to have boundaries?
Seems like a lawsuit.
Hmm?
[ Both chuckle nervously ]
[ Giggles ]
[ Laughs ]
Okay, here's the plan... We tie all your clothes together.
You rappel down the side of the building and get help.
Okay, very good. Firstly, I don't know if you've forgotten
but my clothes are actually with your clothes
behind that closed door.
We are 900 feet up in the air.
I probably have 6 feet of clothing, at best.
Hmm. I knew I should be dating someone taller.
[ Sighs ]
The air-conditioning vent.
No. What are you doing?
- I think it's probably... - Aah!
[ Gasps ] Pulls off, okay. Sure.
- Ah! We can get down through this. - We can't go in there.
We might get sucked into one of those circular fans
and come out the other side like shredded taco meat.
I need to get down off this roof right now.
I am cold, I'm irritated, and I have no access to lip gloss.
So I am going down this air vent.
- What you do next is up to you. - Okay.
Ooh, strawberry.
- Get in the vent. - Okay.
What? Just straight down. I mean, you...
[ Screams ]
[ Both chuckle ]
Is this seat taken?
Does this umbrella make my boobs look big?
[ Both laugh ]
You are really funny, Kimmie.
Oh. [ Laughs ]
Lawyers are known for their humor.
And stress-related I.B.S.
Do you, um...
Do you want to come up to my room?
Oh.
I mean, if you don't want to, that's... that's fine too.
No. I'll be up in a minute.
I just need to fix my mane.
[ Rolls tongue ]
Okay.
What's going on? Why is he leaving?
Jane Spencer's advice is working.
He invited me up to his hotel room.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- What are you gonna do? - You can't go up there.
Helen-Alice, I'm a grown-ass woman. [ Grunts ]
And grown-ass women go up to hotel rooms and do... stuff.
Stuff? What stuff? You don't know how to do stuff.
Yes, I do. I've done stuff before.
What stuff?
Sexy stuff... with all my exes.
Michael and...
[ Mumbles ]
[ Sprinkling ]
[ Thudding ]
[ Both scream ]
Whoa! Holy crap!
Who the hell are you?!
[ Gasps ]
[ Lock beeps ]
Hey.
Uh, hey.
I ordered room service. I got us some champagne.
- And some French fries. - Ooh! Oh. Cool.
[ Chuckles ] Okay.
Okay. Mm.
Mmm. Fruity.
So, here we are.
We are here.
[ Chuckles ]
- Hey, how about some music? - Yes.
[ Click ]
♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪
♪ You know, I can't see nothing wrong ♪
♪ With a little bump and grind ♪
- Oh. - Okay.
♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪
♪ You know, I can't see nothing wrong ♪
♪ With a little bump and grind ♪
Um... [ Laughs ]
♪ Sit down on the couch, take your shoes off ♪
♪ Let me rub your body before I tear it off ♪
♪ The honey lover man is ready to flex, girl ♪
♪ Flex, time to have sex ♪
♪ We'll stop right here and work our way around ♪
♪ I won't stop until I hear the "ooh, ahh" sound ♪
[ Zipper opens ]
♪ Don't front, you know about the rodeo show ♪
♪ So show me some I.D. before I get me deep into you ♪
♪ I don't see ♪
♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪
♪ You know, I can't see nothing wrong ♪
♪ With a little bump and grind, baby ♪
Oh, um, I... I'll just be one sec.
Oh, my God. It's working.
I have a desirable body type.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I mean, I'm beautiful in a big way.
♪ Mnh, mnh-mnh ♪
- You okay in there? - Yeah! Everything's fine!
I'm just going through my lady checklist.
- She's fine. - Let's just call her.
She's not gonna answer if she's hooking up with somebody.
- Missed call. She'll see the missed... - Check this out.
Hello.
I certainly hope you know what you're talking about.
Excuse me?
I was at your seminar tonight,
and thanks to you, our friend is upstairs in some guy's room.
Well, good for her.
Do you now that I wrote the whole seminar
when I was high on xanies watching a nature documentary?
[ Laughs ]
That's when I do my best work.
But now the Consumer Fraud Protection Bureau
is shutting me down.
Pbht!
So, tonight was my swan song.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
You're a fraud.
Yeah, your seminar didn't work for me.
Wait a minute. [ Chuckling ] You were at my seminar?
[ Laughing ]
You were at my seminar?!
Listen, broad shoulders, let me tell you something.
My seminar works, okay? So don't start with me.
[ Chuckles ] Don't even do it.
Bah! Don't!
[ Chuckles ] Don't!
So, ladies, it is now time for mama to go get some meat,
so I'll bid you adieu.
[ Laughing ] Lighten up.
Can I get you guys anything?
Uh, no. We're... We're fine.
By the way, I like your broad shoulders.
Thank you.
If you need anything, let me know.
Very friendly.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh. Hi.
Hey! What are you guys up to?
What are we up to? What are you up to?
Oh, nothing.
I just wanted to call and tell you
about the bathroom that I'm in.
It's really, really nice... white marble.
It's like an Armenian panic room.
- Oh. - Where's the guy?
H-he's in the other room in his boxers,
waiting to have sex with me.
Do you need us to come save you?
No. No. I'm about to go in for the kill.
[ Cellphone beeps ] No.
[ Exhales deeply ] Calm.
Do you think we should check in on her?
She wouldn't have called if she wasn't nervous.
I don't want to be guilty of freakus-interruptus, but...
- It's better safe than sorry. - Yeah. Okay, good.
[ Bell dings ] Enjoy your stay.
Thank you.
Hi. I need the room number for a guy named Parker.
I'm sorry. I can't give out that information.
[ Elevator bell dings ] Okay.
[ Tribal music plays ]
[ Lion roars ]
[ Monkey screeches ]
Let's try this again... Stud.
I'm sorry. We can't give out that information.
[ Door opens ]
- Parker? Um... - Yeah?
Can you turn down the lights a little bit?
Okay.
Do they go even lower?
- Uh, maybe even... even lower... - Kimmie...
I know what you look like.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
Come on.
[ Both laugh ] You're like a lion in the jungle.
Actually, there aren't any lions in the jungle.
No. Well, you know what I mean.
It's just nice to see a woman who owns her sexuality.
Yeah.
Well... "Owns it." [ Chuckles ]
I'm kind of... kind of renting it right about now.
So full of life and passion. I can feel it.
Oh. No. Oh.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm... I'm a little bit nervous.
- About what? - Um... This.
- I've... I've never done this before. - Oh.
I don't spend a lot of time
with strangers in hotel rooms, either, so...
Oh, no, um...
[ Chuckles ]
Um, I've never done... this before.
I-I-I'm... I'm sorry.
Are you... are you saying this is your... your first time?
Uh... Yes?
Wow. R-really?
Uh, okay. I'm... I'm sorry.
I... I... I'll go.
I'm... I'm so sorry.
- No. - I mean...
[ Sighs ]
Hey. Hey. It's okay.
I... I just assumed you were a little more experienced.
I guess... I guess I don't understand.
I mean, don't you want your first time to be... special?
Well, this is pretty special.
You ordered fries.
But I guess it should be more than this.
I'll tell you what.
I'll be back from Zimbabwe in a year.
Maybe when I get back home, we can go on a real date?
Yeah, that... that would be great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Well, this has been the worst day of my entire life.
Yeah. Look like a homeless prostitute.
[ Chuckles ]
Wash all this dirt off and put on a mud mask.
We look disgusting.
You know what?
I quite like you disgusting, actually.
Don't come near me, Richard. I stink, and you stink worse.
Oh, charming. Yes, I do smell pretty bad.
We ran 44 blocks in our underwear.
I was humped by a stray dog
whilst his other stray-dog friend looked on
and barked mockingly at me.
Look at me. I'm a mess. I don't like you seeing me like this.
Kendall, you don't have to be perfect in front of me.
I don't know if I know how to do that.
Well, maybe I can help.
- You're so dirty. - Mm.
- Your face is so dirty. - Okay.
Mm. [ Sniffs ] You smell dirty, as well.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh! What a night.
- Intensity. - Romance.
And two pockets full of free hotel soap.
So, I may not be a lioness yet,
but at least I'm not a kitten anymore.
[ Sighs ] Well...
I'll see you next year, Parker.
Until then, this big cat's got to roam.
Have you been sentenced to love jail?
I'm trapped in a world without romance.
My love life's on death row.
My heart is in solitary confinement.
And there's no chance of parole.
Hi. I'm Jane Spencer.
And I'd like to prison-break your heart.
I sentence you to maximum-security romance.
- Thanks, Jane Spencer! - Thanks, Jane Spencer!
[ Bullets ricocheting ]
Sync and corrected by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com