This programme contains some strong language.
You were using me to make that girl jealous.
Look, how about me and you head out sometime?
Yeah, sure, sounds good.
This was a mistake. Sorry about this morning.
I had this idea about zombies.
Eva will do it, won't you?
Me and Justin, you were going to find out sooner or later,
I should have handled it better.
Yeah, maybe you need to man up.
All right, come on, let's do this! Conor!
It's going to be OK.
MUSIC: "Yeah Yeah" by Willy Moon
Amateur.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hello. Yeah? I'm editing.
I know, I know, your big premiere tomorrow.
So, give us a sneak peek. No spoilers.
Eva, did you kidnap our neighbour's dog? No!
Take the dog home, Eva.
But it'll... I'm being serious! Take it home.
Sheila!
MUSIC ON RADIO: "Candy" by Robbie Williams
Morning!
Is that for me? Mm-hm.
Oh, here, thank you.
He'll want to have some fun now he's back.
And "fun" is Sandie speak for?
Just to show Conor
that nothing's changed and we're all still there for him.
Seriously though, Sandie,
a "Congratulations You're Gay But Not Paralysed" party?
It's the thought that counts.
Oi! That's for Danny.
Eva! What is that mutt doing here? Eh, he has a name.
Uh, You can't call a dog Bong. What's it to you?
It can't stay!
It's not my fault dusty vag across the street isn't home.
What was I supposed to do? Jess, tell her!
You know I think I've got allergies! Yeah, go, tell me, Jess.
Made good time, so.
Huh? You know...
Just keep your head down and get on with your studies - same as ever.
Maybe a few less nights out on the lash
with your cousin as well, eh? Dad.
I'm only saying.
When I was your age, I had you and your mother to look after.
I know.
There we are.
Remember to phone your mother.
Will do.
Have none of you seen my phone?
It's your own fault for falling asleep on the step last night.
I'd have to lose it now! I'm supposed
to be getting my hole off Sam tonight! On your first date?!
Of course. Aye right, when?
Dunno, she said she'd text.
Weren't you wearing that dress last night, Sandie?
Sandra Dee, you dirty stop out!
We just went dancing!
And Luke's knows the DJ so obviously there was an after party.
Ooh-ooh! It's not like that.
I mean, we've only been on a few dates, it's no big deal.
So, we have a dog now? Conor! Welcome home!
Welcome back, Ballbag. "Ballbag?"
Hi! Hey!
Leech! Yeah, coming! Conor's home!
Why didn't you call? I had this whole big surprise thing planned!
Didn't think you were going to be back until tonight!
You look great, man, really. Thanks.
I know, not at all brain damaged. I'm grand, honestly.
Meeting some of the lads down the Boathouse if any of you fancy it?
Yeah, all right, if you like.
All right, lad. All right, bud.
How you doing?
Not so bad. Good to see you. You too.
How's life? All good.
Coming to the pub? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just got some lectures and stuff so...
Maybe later on or something but you'll me a shout anyway, yeah?
Yeah, cool. Yeah.
What the hell do you think you're playing at? Eh?
Hello to you too.
You could get chucked out for this, mate, you know that?
Shane, take it easy.
You're not right in the head! What are yous on about?
You've been sexting me photos of your bits!
Oh, I didn't send that! It came from your number. What?
Oh, no!
Lost my phone last night and some...
Some mentalist must have it!
And your phone's full of nude photos of yourself?
Yeah, for my work-out journal!
Also, some light manscaping in the pubic region.
Everyone in my address book's going to have these.
Call them up, cancel your contract.
And what? They'll still have all my photos, and e-mails and...
Sure your phone's got that tracker account.
My phone doesn't have that!
Yeah, it does! Well, how do you know?
Cos I bought it for you. Remember? Your birthday.
Relax, they'll love it,
But it's nothing like the others! Yeah, that's a good thing.
AUDIENCE: Ssh.
ACTRESS IN FILM: At the shore of the heart where I have roots.
I think mine's the only one with special effects.
What special effects?
Eva...improv'd a bit.
But until that day...
I'm only saying, are we sure the whole gay thing
happened, like, before the head injury?
THEY ALL CHUCKLE
If you really want to know, I could take you round back...
Hold on! ..and kick your head in.
Hi, guys. All right, Sands!
Mmm, nuts and crisps - fancy party. Just glad to have him back.
Save me from listening to this lot whinging. Oi.
Right, do you fancy a real drink?
We could use a real drink, eh? Too right.
Steady on boys, we've got training. Good man.
What, already? I thought you would've needed more time off?
Let me get you that drink, so. Conor...
WOMAN SCREAMS
MAN LAUGHS EVILY
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: This is a pile of shite.
SHE LAUGHS
Danny!
Danny! I'm fine.
I just need some air, OK?
Look, who cares what they think?
And you can always talk to your tutor.
Go back inside.
Danny, it's all my fault.
How is it your fault?
I should've been there like I said I would,
If I'd have been there, then Eva would never have...
I mixed the fake blood!
I let YOU pick the poem,
I let Eva do whatever she wanted.
But only because I couldn't think of anything else!
I'm away for a walk, OK?
Danny...
OK, so it seems to be on the move.
It's heading down the town.
Hey, this is some crazy spy shit, isn't it?
I kind of feel like I'm Jason Bourne or something.
Yeah, if he had just stayed on that fishing trawler
and taken photos of his ball bag.
Hey I know where that is. Oi, that's my phone!
I've got better things to do with it
than chase some spides around town.
No offence, but it's not my bits out there on Twitter, OK?
What?
You didn't save those photos of me, did you?
When we were together?
Hi! I thought it was you!
Hey, didn't expect to see you here.
Don't you usually volunteer tonight?
Yeah, normally.
Planning a late one?
Sandie...
No, makes sense to take the night off.
You going somewhere nice?
I thought we said that we were just having a bit of fun,
I thought we weren't being exclusive?
Oh, no, no! Casual, totally casual.
It suits me.
If this is a problem for you we don't have to... No, no, no, I mean,
it's not like I'm asking you to please be my boyfriend.
You're the one who came up to me, OK? Mr Clingy Face.
Need a hand, Sandie? Um, yeah, cheers.
Anyway... Isn't that your mate? The one who was admitted to hospital?
Conor? Yeah. Why?
Nothing, just didn't expect to see him up and about so soon.
Hmm, so he shouldn't be training then.
That isn't a head injury you just get up from,
never mind throwing yourself about a football pitch.
All right, well, I'll pass on your advice, Dr Johnson.
Um, but I'll see you soon?
That took for ever. Did you see that documentary about the tramp?
Balls on a stick. Yeah, well, they didn't exactly
give Danny's a standing ovation, did they?
What? His was clearly the best.
Where is the wee monkey face anyway?
He's devastated, Eva.
You ruined his film! His coursework! Excuse me?
Oh, come on, what, the one time
I can't help him out with his film project,
you come in and dick everything up?
I was trying to help! You practically bribed me to do it!
Yeah, cos I'm sure you would have done the same for Conor
or Sandie, or me?
What's that supposed to mean?
It means relationships are hard enough with just two people,
without you banging on the door every other night.
I don't do that. Yeah, you do.
Ever since we moved in to that house,
you have been hanging off him like...
You know what, don't have a go at me, all right? I'm serious, Eva.
You're serious? You're a joke! What are you talking about?
I saw yous.
You and McCann.
When?
When!?
How many times has it happened?
How long have you been talking out of your hole to me?
No, no, it's not like that. Oh, really?
Well, go tell Danny that.
We're going to shoot on, OK?
Conor, you're barely out of the hospital.
Just because you're going out with a med student,
doesn't make you a doctor. We're not, that's not what I'm...
Look, it's just a kick-around.
What did the doctors even say?
I'm grand, same as ever - promise.
You're still a crap liar, I can tell you that.
I'm getting on with things.
At the risk of getting hurt again? Or worse? And what for?
Sandie, my mother isn't this bad.
Well, your mother didn't have to watch you
go in to the back of an ambulance, did she? No, that was me.
And I'm not going to do it again, do you hear me?
I'll be grand, Sandie.
Conor?
Have you seen Danny? Or Eva?
No. Why, what's wrong?
Um, nothing...
If you see him, get him to give me a call, yeah? Thanks.
Is everything OK? Yeah, fine!
Jess? Please, not now.
All right, so maybe later?
Eva knows...about us, all right?
So?
So? I have to find Danny.
I've got to explain. How's that one go?
I dunno, that it was a mistake. All right, settle down.
I'm only saying, so Eva knows,
Danny knows, so what? It doesn't have to stop us from having a bit of craic now, does it?
Bit of craic?
Jess! Just leave me alone, right!
Hello? Anyone home?
Danny? You in?
Right, that is it!
You're going home now, ya furry wee scrote.
Even if I have to shove you through the...shitting letter box.
Sheila.
It says here... So what now, Sherlock?
I'm just going to call them.
Nobody seems to be picking up. Ssh! Ssh!
Don't shush me, I wasn't even saying anything. That's my ringtone!
IRISH RAP MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH PHONE
RINGTONE STOPS You!
All right, Leech? This is a nice surprise, isn't it, lads?
It's, um...number 31.
She's breathing, she's...
I don't know I don't know how old she is!
Eva? I'm not sure... What's going on?
All right, I'll... I'll go check! Here, can you wait for them?
What, who is it? It's the ambulance!
Hello?
You here for the Bikram yoga, too? Yoga!?
PJ here is mad for it.
All them wee girls bending backwards,
sweating out of their box - it's good for your core too.
Look, that's my phone.
No, is it?
You know it is, so give him it back, now.
All right, unspin your balls, love.
I'm just trying to return some property,
contact the owner, you know? What by sexting everyone in my address book?
You know you found it outside my house last night.
Ah, what's the matter, wee Leech?
Were these pictures for your bum chum, Captain Conor?
Oh, aye, so you're stealing photos of other fellas
yet he's the gay one?
Better get your wee woman to shut it, Leech.
What did you just say?
You heard me, Jaffa Cake, shut your...
Don't you talk to her like that! You want those photos?
Fine! That's my phone, ya wee bollix!
I thought you were into that type of thing?
You're a twisted wee rat, Leech.
LEECH CHUCKLES What are you smiling at?
Nothing, thanks, lads! Go on, you wee arse rat!
What was it this time, Sheila?
What do you mean this time?
Has this happened before?
The floor was wet, I slipped, must have banged my head is all.
When was this? This morning?
Where's Terry?
He's all right, he's over there.
I'll make some tea.
Wipe your feet!
That's absolutely shocking.
Keep it spaced out - behind the passes.
That's a bit more like it now, lovely.
Get bunched up again, lads, keep it spread out.
So that's it? You're not even going to take her to hospital?
Eva, she's going to be fine. Yeah, well, I'm going to stay.
Keep an eye on her just in case. OK.
I should probably call someone. What? Like who?
Eva, Eva, I'm sorry, OK?
I'm sorry about lying to you and...
..Danny and I know that I've messed up... EVA SCOFFS
Well, it's not like you haven't.
What? Nothing.
No, no, go ahead.
Well, that night I found you...
sitting on the edge of that bridge.
I didn't say anything about it, Eva, not to any one...
Not even Danny.
Because we're friends, aren't we?
Who the fuck are you?
So you admit it, then?
Yeah, all right, that was very Matt Damon of you.
Matt Damon in Team America.
Or you mean more like Liam Neeson, huh?
Yeah, "Taken 3: Yous Can Keep Him!"
PHONE RINGS
Do you fancy another? Hmm?
Aye.
No, no, no, I'll get these, I'll get these. No, it's fine.
No, don't be silly, I've got this.
OK, what about the blondie over there with the ugly boots?
Why do you care, eh?
Or maybe you're going through that experimental phase?
I'm your wingman. Or your wingwoman!
Do I look like I need any help?
No!
It's just when you went to the bog...
I...
I went to delete those photos of me in your phone...
Wasn't really what I was expecting.
You what?
That's my phone, that's private.
You're worse than Meadows!
I just don't want you getting the wrong idea.
I get you. Come on, we're having a laugh, you don't have to go.
Anyway, you'd best be getting back to the Mrs, right?
Yeah, yeah, maybe I should.
MUSIC: "Simple Twist of Fate" by Bob Dylan
Twice now you've broken in here.
Makes me nostalgic for the days
when that would at least have cost you a kneecap.
Nice collection, it's very retro.
Still work, don't they?
Should you be drinking? I'm grand.
So when I was banging on your door this morning,
shouting about the dog...
were you already...? You're too soft, girl, that's your problem.
You what? It's just like your wee friend was telling you.
Oh, so you were listening?
It's my house and she was right.
You should stay out of other people's business.
Why would I listen to you?
You can barely look after yourself.
And weren't you happier not knowing it?
Drink your drink.
PHONE RINGS
SHE TURNS THE RADIO ON
Hello? Hey, Sandie, it's Luke.
Oh, hi!
Sorry, Luke, I can hardly hear you!
Oh right...
are you at a party or something?
Yeah, or something, what are you at?
On your way somewhere?
Yeah, I just called to apologise if it was weird earlier at the bar.
Oh, no, no! That was fine. Totes fine!
Good!
I know it's what we agreed but...
I wouldn't want you to do anything crazy.
What? What like?
I don't know.
Start stalking me?
Aye right, you wish!
Don't you think I've time for that sort of thing?
You think I'm completely mad or something?
KNOCK ON WINDOW
Sorry, uh, what was that last part?
Hi.
So, turns out, that you were right about me, uh...
..not being OK with... Me dating other girls?
Yeah, maybe.
That's what I like about you.
I'm sorry, OK.
For what?
For messing you about.
Look...
I've got to go, but can I call you?
Yeah.
Jesus, it's Baltic in here! Can someone put the heating on?
Can't, we're out of oil. Perfect.
What are you doing?
Getting drunk.
Here, take some of this. Thanks.
I, um...
wanted to say thanks for that.
Coming to the screening.
Give over. No! Really.
You went out of your way to help me film it,
and you didn't even want to.
And then I just ran off without even saying thanks.
Sorry.
Things have just been...
..a bit weird, recently.
Weird with Jess? No.
Maybe...
I don't know.
Not used to this whole thing, you know the whole girlfriend thing.
Never done it before.
Sorry...
I know you're not into all the sappy stuff.
It's OK, sometimes.
DOOR OPENS
Hi. Oh, hey.
The heating's gone.
Yeah, I was going to go to bed.
I'll come too.
Eva...
you don't mind? No bother, bye.
(Thank you.)
LAUGHTER
This pigsty in here?
Well, come on, big lad, I'm waiting on you.
I think it's going to do us the world of good
to get away for a while. You think so?
I thought I told you to leave me alone! I'm just the driver.
This is going to be some trip!
He's uploaded the clip and I can't get it down!
You're not worried about Sam seeing it, you're worried about her mates?
I think we need to take a break.
So what, we just camp here?
There's a barn yous can crash in over there.
So this is it? You've been shagging McCann?