Hey. Don't forget. You got to be at my house tonight at 7:00 for dinner.
Mob Wives is at 8:00.
It's going to be me and Wyatt, Randy, the other Randy, Buck and Andrew.
Wow. Sounds like what you've got there is an embarrassment of bitches.
You're proud of that one, huh?
If there's an award, I do have a speech prepared.
First of all, it's very offensive.
Second of all, I love it, I'm using it and saying it was mine.
- And third of all, be there at 7:00. - I can't make it.
What? What do you mean you can't make it?
It's the season premiere. You're always there.
Sorry. You and your mean gay friends are going
to have to hurl insults at the TV without me.
I have to go out with Ally to Finn McCormick's.
- At a heterosexual bar? - A.k.a. "a bar".
- What's fun about that? - Ally used to bartend there.
She loves to go during football season to hang with her old gang.
So that's what we're doing.
- Is that actually fun for you? - Well, there are different degrees of fun.
I mean, I wouldn't call it fun fun. I would call it not fun.
I mean, they love Ally. They laugh at every single word that comes out of her mouth.
Me, they don't love so much. They gave me this nickname,
Chardonnay Joe.
Why?
See if you can guess. I'll give you a hint. They're not clever.
They call me Chardonnay Joe because the first time I went there,
I made the mistake of ordering their chardonnay
when everyone else was ordering beer.
Just blow it off. Come to me, where you'll be
celebrated for your feminine tastes in wine.
You're missing the point, okay?
This is important to my fiancee, so I have to go with her.
You know, healthy couples do not have to spend every living moment together.
Come with me to the kitchen. I want coffee.
Hey, losers! What's up?
- Ally! - Hi!
Are we going to have a good time tonight or what?
I don't know, James.
Maybe we should ask the magic eight-ball.
Are we going to have fun tonight? My sources say, "Yes."
- That never gets old. - James, you remember my fiance Joe.
Chardonnay Joe. I got two words for you: Chardonnay Joe.
It's much more clever when you elongate it.
Is everyone going to call me that tonight?
I don't know.
Well, maybe I should ask the magic eight-ball.
- Ally, let's go play foosball. - For you, it's going to be lose-ball.
Well, don't worry. I'll just... You can't hear me.
Pretend I see someone I recognize and get to the bar.
Hi. How's it going? I will have a... I didn't order this.
- It's chardonnay, Joe. - It was one time. It doesn't define me.
Buttery.
- I'm Jonah. You're Ally's boyfriend? - Fiance.
- Right on. - Right on.
I shouldn't really... I mean, it's
none of my, um... You're rich, right?
Not especially. Why would you assume that?
Oh. I don't... I mean
it's just that usually when a girl like Ally winds up with a guy like us,
he's got a lot of money.
Guy like us? What do you mean "guy like us"?
You know.
Don't do that. Don't do the "We're the same" hands.
Do the "We're different" hands, because we're very different.
Rich guys.
- Hey, babe. Are you having fun? - Well, I wouldn't call it fun fun.
- Worst night ever. - You should have come to my house.
Buck and Andrew performed a one-act play that they wrote
about Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes called "Watch Out."
You want to know how bad my night was? That actually sounds good.
- You should come next week. - Oh, we'll be there.
- Who's we? - Me and Ally.
Oh. Right. Okay. Okay then.
You don't sound too enthusiastic.
What? No. I'm enthusiastic. Ally's coming. Okay. Okay then.
Is there a problem?
Because you're doing that thing with your head
that tells me that you think there's a problem.
Well, look, Joe. There are certain women who would like nothing more
than to be sitting in a room filled with gay men sniping in every direction.
The Latin term for these women is homosexualitis hagemanitus.
But Ally is not one of those girls.
Oh, come on. Ally fits in everywhere. She's funny.
Yeah. Yeah, but these guys are gay funny.
Come on. Funny is funny. You should have seen her at that bar last night.
I just think that Ally would have more fun if you came by yourself.
No. Really. What are you...? Do you not want her to come?
- Of course I want her to come. - Is that what I'm hearing?
No. Of course I want her to come.
I'm just worried that she'll feel like she doesn't fit in.
Well, hey, if Condoleezza Rice can fit in at Augusta,
Ally can fit in at gay TV night.
You've got a point. He said, pretending he understood the analogy.
- Okay. It's Joe and his fiancee. - We love her, so please be nice.
- We're always nice. - And when we're not, we send a basket.
Hey. Come on in.
- Hey, guys. This is my fiancee, Ally. - Hello, boys.
I'm on board.
Joe, how did this happen? Are you rich?
I'm a catch, okay? All right? I don't need to be rich. I got this. Yeah.
Let's put Ally in the middle of us so we can all touch her a little bit.
I love it here.
See that?
Okay. What can I say? You're absolutely right. She fits in perfectly.
Okay, "Mob Wives". Places.
Oh. Pause it. Laser pointer please. I would like to propose a new term.
It refers to the fleshy biscuits at either armpit
that are created by an ill-fitting strapless gown.
I would like to propose these be referred to as "Hot Pockets".
I'll upload it to Urban Dictionnary.
Wait. Before you do that, I think I can do one better. Ready?
Instead of "Hot Pockets", "Side Blobs".
Get it? "Side Blobs"?
"Side Blobs"? Ally, is that what you said? That's a good one, honey pie.
I think we're just going to stick with "Hot Pockets".
Oh. Pause it. Pointer please.
Just so everybody's clear,
that is a mole. That is a contusion. And that is dried manicotti.
Pointer please.
And just so everybody's clear, those are a woman's breasts.
- That's what all the fuss is about. - Pointer please.
Give it to me.
To add, those boobs – It's like, hello? Do they double as a flotation device.
Get it? Flotation device?
Let me call you back.
There's something really uncomfortable happening,
and you know that's my favorite thing.
Wow. What is going on? I'll ask the magic eight-ball.
Oh my god. What is happening?
Magic eight-ball, am I going to get a laugh tonight or what?
I think you have your answer, dear.
Hey!
- So, what was that last night? - What?
Well, everyone seemed so nice at the beginning of the evening,
and then they just froze her out.
They didn't freeze her out.
They didn't even laugh at a single thing she said.
All right. Look. You know I j'adore Ally. She's everything I am for.
Her teeth are pageant ready and she has the voice of my Uncle Frank.
But like I told you, those guys are gay funny and she's... you know.
And she's just... you know. She's... you know.
- Yeah. I do know. She's funny. - She's pretty funny.
- Okay. She's pretty funny. - No, she's pretty funny.
- Pretty funny. - Pretty funny.
I feel like we're saying the same words but they mean different things.
Yeah. You're saying pretty funny as in she's kind of funny.
And I'm saying she's pretty funny as in she's pretty,
so straight guys laugh at everything she says even if it's not funny.
- Okay. But she is funny. - Pretty funny.
You're wrong, okay? How would you like it if I said that Wyatt was pretty funny?
- Wyatt is pretty funny. - No. I disagree.
- I think Wyatt is pretty funny. - Yeah. Yeah. Right. He's pretty funny.
Look. Last night, all those guys laughed at everything that he... Oh.
That's not true about Ally, okay? She is genuinely pretty funny.
- I agree. She's pretty funny. - She's hilarious.
- Pretty hilarious. - Genuinely hilarious.
And I don't give a crap what you or your mean friends say about her.
- Ally Landow makes me laugh all the time. - Says the rich guy who sleeps with her.
I'm not rich. I got three shares of Apple stock from my bar mitzvah,
and I sold them at $16 a share. I may be stupid, but I'm not rich.
You see? That's pretty funny.
Come on, Ralph. My blind uncle could have made that call.
I don't know why but I love it here.
I like the bras.
They say, "Tired of thinking about sports? Think about boobies."
Hey, didn't you use to have a bra just like that?
It doesn't look familiar. It's weird. So, Louis' friends, huh?
- Yeah. What about them? - You know I j'adore Louis.
He's got those cute little Chiclet teeth and the voice of my Aunt Ruth.
- But his friends are just not funny. - See? That's what I thought.
- It's them. It's not you. - What?
What?
What did you mean when you said it's them, not me?
What does anyone... mean?
Fine.
Listen. I guess Louis' friends said something about you being pretty funny.
- I am pretty funny. - No. They think you're pretty funny.
Agreed. I'm pretty funny.
No. Pretty funny is
when guys laugh at girls just because they're attracted to them.
- Do you think I'm pretty funny? - Not at all!
- I think you're pretty funny. - So do I.
Well, here's what I know for certain.
You're beautiful, and you're funny, and that is your bra.
- We've got a problem. - What?
- Ally found out about pretty funny. - How did that happen?
Did she read Randy's blog? I told him to change the names.
- No. I told her. - What? No. No.
You never tell a pretty funny person they're pretty funny.
- They get pretty angry. - You know what? You did this.
Oh, I did?
You brought it up and now I'm paying for it.
Why does she care? She's smart.
She should know that there's nothing more important than being pretty.
Are you really that shallow?
Let me think about that for just a... Yes, I am.
Well, she's not. And she's upset.
How would you feel if someone said that you were just pretty funny?
- Pretty sad. - No, pretty sad.
No, pretty sad.
You're going to fix this.
- No. - Yes, you are.
You're going to teach Ally to be gay funny.
Gay funny is not a choice. You're either born that way or not.
Come on. If anyone can teach her, you can.
- No, no, no, no. - Yes!
It will be like the Karate Kid. And you'll be her Mr. Miya-gay.
Not nearly as good as embarrassment of bitches.
It can't all be gold.
Look, I can't. No. I cannot help Ally. Not tonight.
- Why? - There's some stuff going on at home.
It's... It's bad. It's real bad.
Is this about the scuff on your kitchen floor?
It's not a scuff. It's a gouge.
The whole kitchen re-sanded, buffed and waxed is too much right now.
That's the last time I dress my dog in a tutu and tap shoes.
- Is it? - Probably not.
- Well, fine. You don't have to help Ally. - Thank you.
But if you don't, we are done seeing each other on Thursday TV nights.
- Noooo. - Yeah. And it's a slippery slope, pal.
Before you know it, we won't be seeing each
other Monday nights and then Tuesday nights.
And before you know it, we will only see each other five days a week at work
and once for brunch on Sundays.
Fine. I will help Ally. Tell her to be at my place at 6:00.
I will email you a list of the things I need her to bring.
- Thank you. I really appreciate it. - Not so fast. This comes with a price.
I'm going to try Mr. Miya-gay on the guys. If it works, it's mine.
If not, you take the fall.
Not just gay funny, but all true funny comes from pain and suffering.
Stop taking notes. Funny people do not take notes.
Funny people make fun of people who take notes.
Take note of that.
In your mind. Stop writing.
Where was I?
- Pain and suffering. - Yes, yes.
Humor develops as a coping mechanism to deal with unhappiness and tragedy.
Let's talk about something that made you feel sad and bad about yourself.
Well, um, I broke up with this boyfriend one time.
Stop. You broke up with him.
Sad for him, not for you.
Is he funny?
He is actually. He tells a really hilarious story about how I broke it off.
Yeah. Good. You're learning. This is good.
All right. Let's move on to death.
How did you feel when you lost someone close to you?
Maybe an aunt or an uncle. A parent would be perfect.
- No. Everyone's healthy. - How about grandparents?
- They're all still alive. - That's too bad.
Did you know any of your great grandparents?
Yeah. I just had lunch with six of them last weekend.
You have six living great grandparents?
Eight. Two of them are on safari.
All right. Let's move on from deaths to the real heart of darkness - high school.
- Did you bring your yearbooks? - I did.
Okay. All right. Now we will get to the awkward Ally.
Wow. You were a very attractive teenager.
Do you have any pictures of you with braces?
I never had braces.
My great grandmother used to joke that God was our orthodontist.
- I'm guessing she's pretty. - She is.
All right. Are there any pictures of you with acne or bad hair
or not on top of some sort of pyramid?
I don't... I don't think so.
Let's see if we can tap that old well of hostility and petty jealousy.
Who's the bitch that beat you out for prom queen?
Did they let you keep the crown?
I gave it to my best friend. She's the girl in the picture with me.
- This girl in the wheelchair? - Yeah. She was so funny...
Dammit. You're not giving me anything to work with.
- I'm getting a beer. - Grab one for me too.
Be careful in there. I just had the floors waxed.
How the hell am I supposed to teach you to be gay funny
when you've had absolutely no pain in your life?
Well, I'm sorry, Louis. I guess I'm just a lost cause!
- Ally, you okay? - I've fallen and I can't get up.
That will only be funny if it's true.
I tried to teach her but it was impossible.
You tried to teach her how to be gay funny?
- How does that even work? - Well, I was her Mr. Miya-gay.
That's mine. That's mine. Original.
The poor thing is just pretty funny.
I don't think that's a real thing.
No. Seriously, I've never heard of that.
Boy, I'm on fire tonight.
Oh my god. What happened?
You know what happened. She fell on your kitchen floor.
I had no idea it was this serious.
I never would have run off to my Zumba class if I had known you were so hurt.
- I'm fine. It looks worse than it is. - Look. We're not going to stay long,
but Ally has a few things she'd like to say to you.
I just hope you give her the same common decency
and respect that you would give to me or any...
Buck, please take the laser pointer off my penis.
I thought I saw it moving.
Be careful, honey.
I came over here tonight because I want all
of you to know that I am okay with who I am.
I don't need your laughter and I don't need your approval.
I don't even need your stupid laser pointer
because I've got my own. Yes!
- Crap. - Ally, let me help you.
I don't need your help, Louis.
I'm maybe just peed a little.
Louis, are you laughing at me?
You think this is funny? Do you?
No. I don't think it's funny at all. It's not funny at all.
Come on. You have to admit. A pretty lady rolling around on the floor in pain...
It's pretty funny.
- You mean pretty funny? - No. I mean pretty funny.
- I think so too. - Oh my god!
Boom!
Impressive, huh? Yeah?
She thought of it and paid for the brace
because I'm not rich and she loves me.
Boom!
- You like me. You really like me. - No. No. You ruined it. You ruined it.
- So, this is a heterosexual bar. - Again, a bar.
And you just throw your laundry up there like that, huh?
I don't even want to know what they hang from the ceiling in gay bars.
Classic!
Settle down. It wasn't that funny.
Okay. We got a beer, scotch,
club soda, and a chardonnay.
For your information, I ordered the scotch,
but since you put the chardonnay in front of me
and I don't want to make a scene...
Hint of citrus.
And here are your Buffalo wings.
I hear those Buffalo wings taste just like chicken. Am I right?
I'm pretty funny.