Back in Indiana,
the bathroom was always a private place.
But now that I live in New York,
like everything else, it's crowded.
What's finger-lickin', chicken?
Nothin' much, butt.
That rhymed more in my head.
But I'm okay with it.
The bathroom's actually become a place
where Chloe and I download and catch up.
I'm just about to give myself a Brazilian.
Want me to do you first?
No, thanks.
You sure, June?
It's 2013. Lower the deck.
♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ but I can tell you ♪
♪ She's a... ♪
♪ Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ♪
♪ ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ♪
So, who's the special grooming for?
Benjamin's back from his directing gig in L.A.
He made Joseph Gordon-Levitt kiss Melissa Mccarthy
in a movie I'm really looking forward to seeing
called "Agnes."
Sounds great.
Yeah. Now he's directing James in some big new Commercial
before he goes to australia.
You know, this is gonna be the longest amount of time
we've actually ever spent together.
Ooh! That's exciting!
Yeah. I bumped him up to number one on my guy rotation.
Numbers two through six are just gonna have to wait
while he puts his dingo in my baby.
Chloe, did you tell Benjamin about your rotation?
No. Why?
Uh, because that's not just something that everyone has.
Well, everyone should. It's awesome.
It's the perfect situation.
Nobody loses. Everybody wins.
No, one person loses-- The person who thinks
that they're dating someone Exclusively
and then finds out that's not the case.
Like me in seventh grade when I was dating Aaron demayo.
He was a wrestler, and I was a mat maid--
Which people don't think is a real cheerleader
because we didn't have uniforms,
we just wore whatever shade of purple we had in our closet.
Anyway, I was heartbroken when I found out
that Aaron was also seeing Theresa Fisher.
Ugh. Is telling Benjamin about my guy rotation
the only way I'm gonna get you to stop with the jibber-jabber?
It is.
Fine. But so help me god,
if I hear one jibber or even a piece of jabber,
I will forcibly wax you. Mm.
Sweet bathroom. What's this commercial for, anyway?
Towels? Soap? Shower heads?
Sunglasses.
Awesome. I'm watching.
Ah, you won't be able to watch, actually.
It's Only gonna air in Japan.
James is Huge there
ever since Three girls dressed as hello Kitty
were trampled to death
at the "Varsity Blues" premiere in Kyoto.
Hey.
Hey yourself.
I'm dating five other guys.
I've got six guys in my rotation.
You're kidding.
I'm dating five other girls,
except we call it a "Cycle."
Oh, my God. That is so funny.
Australians have different words for everything.
We do. Isn't dating six people the best?
Because five is unsatisfying...
and seven allows no time to recoup.
I just remembered why I like you.
You are so... hot?
I was gonna say "Slutty."
Love the first day of production.
A whole new crew to love and respect me.
You know what my favorite part is?
All the tool belts?
No.
First day of production speech.
I introduce myself to the crew,
say a few inspirational words,
learn two of their names to show how accessible I am,
then sit back and bask in their admiration.
It's my fuel. Keeps me running.
Every day, I learn from you. Mm.
All right, everyone!
Um, I'm Benjamin Lovett, your director.
Just wanna say a few words before we start.
Now I know some of you may be wondering
why we're doing a commercial for sunglasses in a bathroom.
Especially you, Joel, mikey.
Two names.
But so much of life happens in bathrooms,
so many intimate and important moments.
Think about it--
When are you most vulnerable?
When you're naked.
And where are you most naked?
In the bathroom.
Mm.
And being naked... is sexy,
and sunglasses... are sexy.
So we're gonna make this bathroom... sexy...
and steamy...
and wet.
Because bathrooms equals sexy...
equals sunglasses.
Thank you.
I can't follow that.
You can't have two...
Inspiring first day of production speeches.
The S.O.B. usurped me.
He "All about Eve'd" you.
What?
Oh. Sorry. He "Showgirl'd" you.
He did better than you did.
Uhh.
Hey. I really liked your speech.
Oh, yeah? Which part?
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ I love it ♪
♪ I don't care ♪
Someone is in here! Ocupado!
June, we're having sex in bathrooms all across the city.
We just came from a deli.
We gave some old fakaktas a show.
Ew. Why are you having sex in bathrooms?
Tell her, Ben. Tell her in the australian accent.
Because bathrooms are sexy.
Mmm!
My prep station!
Well, did you at least tell him about--
my rotation? Yeah, he's totally cool with it.
I have one, too. A cycle.
Well, good. I guess as long as you two are on the same page...
June, some sex is about to happen
right where you're standing, so either get in or get out.
But I'm not finished yet. I'm still doing my left eye.
Oh, god!
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ I love it ♪
♪ I don't care ♪
12 Bathrooms in 24 hours?
if that's not a record,
I'd like to meet the bastards who beat us.
You know, I'm gonna be here for a month.
We might want to... pace ourselves.
Oh, am I wearing you out?
Is the old man getting tired? Do you want a peppermint?
I'm just saying, at some point,
we might have to put some clothes on
and use our mouths for food.
I know a strip club
that has a great chinese chicken salad.
That sounds gross and delicious at the same time. Let's go.
Whoa!
Oh, no. Benjamin.
Seems like you've got a dislocated shoulder.
Now that I see you lying here,
I realize what I should have done--
Instead of covering you with a towel,
I should have put a small loofah over your junk.
That would have been very funny.
I regret not doing that very much.
So we just gotta get you to the hospital.
I'm just gonna need some info first.
What's your date of birth? April 28, 1982.
Any allergies?
Other than this hot potato right here?
An "in case of an emergency" contact?
Melinda St. Claire, 2-1-2...
Melinda St. Claire? Who's that?
Oh, she's the number one girl in my cycle.
That's so funny.
In Canada, we call it a loop.
Hello, friend.
I got your message.
♪ do you have to let it linger? ♪
What the hell is this?
I know you said it doesn't bother you
that Melinda St. Claire is number one in Ben's cycle.
But you can't pretend that you're not feeling hurt.
He's your number one, and you're not his.
That is jacked up.
June, I've already moved on to other guys in my rotation.
I don't really care. Shh!
Just let the perfect breakup song heal your wounds.
Take your finger off my face.
Sorry. That was too much.
June, I don't care how Ben ranks his cycle.
Why do you think I date six guys at a time?
For exactly this reason.
One gets annoying, another one slips right in.
It's how Pat Riley ran the knicks.
It's how I run my sex life.
I don't think you're being honest with yourself.
and another guy isn't gonna help you get over Benjamin.
You have to mourn,
and you have to eat ice cream,
and you have to build a shrine.
That's what I did in seventh grade
when me and Aaron demayo broke up.
♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪
♪ Do you have to, do you have to ♪
♪ do you have to let it linger? ♪
Honey, we know you're hurting,
but enough of this gosh-Darned song.
Donald, do not almost say "God" in anger.
This will make you feel so much better.
♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪
♪ Do you have to, do you have to ♪
♪ do you have to let it linger? ♪
My friend Alvin and I would perform that at open mic night,
and we would... ♪ crush it ♪
he's dead now.
Please enjoy your coffee, courtesy of James Van Der Beek.
A cup O' Joe from a regular Joe.
Hope this finally wins their admiration.
Well, it's working for me.
I haven't had a macchiato in ages,
and I am buzzing.
James. Thanks for the coffee.
Hey. No problem.
Hey, we need a fourth for basketball. You want in?
Oh. You know, I really should memorize my lines
while we're waiting for Ben,
but for you guys, for my crew...
Let's go, ballers.
Yeah. All right.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
What happened?
I, uh, injured myself during sex.
Yeah, you did.
Look, even though I'm in incredible pain
and quite high on prescription meds,
nothing is gonna keep me from completing this commercial
for you guys...
my crew.
Let's get to work.
W--
We were so close. We were...
we were gonna play ball,
and you were gonna make up a name for me,
like "Van der jam" Or "Hoopsta."
Don't worry, man. I'll play ball with ya...
after I hug Ben.
Gosh. He's inspiring, you know?
Plus, he's, like, yoked.
He must have a home gym.
I'm gonna ask him during the hug.
♪ You're from the '70s ♪
♪ but I'm a '90s bitch ♪
♪ I love it ♪
I'm so glad you called, Chloe.
I'm so glad you grounded your plane, Derek.
♪ I love it ♪
you ever fool around in a bathroom before?
Melinda times.
What?
I'm in the Melinda high club.
Before we get started, I just want you to know,
I tested positive for Melinda.
Are you on birth control?
'Cause I don't like to wear a Melinda.
Six guys all ruined,
and some bitch named Melinda's in my head,
and it's all Ben's fault.
How could the crew choose Ben over me?
I offered them my friendship.
I would kill to be friends with me.
Literally, I--if somebody was friends with me,
I would kill them so I could be friends with me.
Who ripped out the middle of my book?
I needed to talk to you.
I tried to hook up with the other guys in my rotation.
But I kept hearing them say "Melinda."
Chloe, this is what I was saying before.
It bugs you that you're not Ben's number one.
For the first time in your life,
you are jealous.
Please. I don't get jealous.
I make jealous in other people.
I make other people jealous.
Yeah, so did I. Now look at us.
We were once golden gods. Now...
we're number twos.
Two number twos in a tub.
I bought that dvd in Germany.
Weird country.
Chloe, there is a reason
why you are sitting here in this tub
instead of out with your five other guys.
Benjamin is more than just someone in your rotation.
Maybe he is.
Well, I mean, do you want to be exclusive with him?
No more rotation, just him?
Maybe I do.
Well, then talk to him.
Tell him how you feel.
oh! Ow!
That's just me being uncomfortable with the truth.
Thank you, June.
How long have those been in?
An hour.
Take 'em out.
Benjamin Lovett?
We're with U.S. Immigration services.
We need to see your work visa.
Uh, yeah.
I'm sure you'll find everything's current
and up to date.
Yep, sure is. Great.
But you're still getting deported.
What is this, some kind of joke?
No, sir. This comes from the very top.
We're gonna need you on a plane back to Australia.
Wh--Hey, you can't do this.
Wh-Why is this happening?
Hello.
It's done.
Thanks, Julius. I owe you one.
So can I take you on my brother's houseboat
like you promised?
Is there any way
Benjamin's deportation can be undone?
Nope. It's already been processed.
Then, no.
Chloe.
Hey, did you see that guy I was with?
He's something called an insurance adjuster.
So hot.
I'm thinking about giving him a spot in my rotation.
What about Ben?
He has called the apartment a thousand times.
You were supposed to tell him how you felt,
not get him deported.
Well, I thought about it
and I realized I felt like getting him deported.
Oh, gosh. You know what? I am done.
I am not gonna give you any more relationship advice.
Okay.
But the last thing that I'll say
is just because you got Ben deported
doesn't mean that you'll be over him.
He's still going to be in here and in here.
The only place that a guy should be is here.
June, I'm not like you.
I don't get twisted up over guys.
I have great experiences and I move on.
I don't get twisted up over guys either.
I just know you can't do something so selfish
that it affects someone for the rest of their life.
I could've done that, too.
After Aaron Broke up with me,
I was moving on with my own life...
When I discovered
that Theresa Fisher
was a smoker.
I could've busted her and gotten her expelled
and had Aaron all to myself, but I chose not to,
because you don't mess with people like that.
But what if I had made a different choice?
Maybe Aaron and I would've kept dating.
Maybe we'd still be together. Who knows?
That's why you keep talking about this guy.
Because you think he's the one that got away.
What? No, I don't think that.
It all makes sense now.
That's why you're still obsessed
with some guy who dumped you a million years ago.
June, I made out with two girls
while you were telling me that stupid story.
You need to move on with your life.
What are you doing?
Helping you.
Also helping you.
If you're gonna grab my boob, just grab it.
But don't tease me.
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ I love it ♪
♪ I don't care ♪
it's a great day, isn't it?
Ben's been deported.
The crew is in a panic.
What they need right now is a Leader, a rock.
And you know who that is?
Me?
I'm just kidding, James.
I know it's you.
I'm just trying to keep it light.
All right. Listen, everyone.
Uh, I know it's a shame about Ben being deported,
but I just wanna let you guys know that I am still here.
I'm not going to abandon you.
My agent talked to the production company
and convinced them that we've already shot enough footage
to cut together a great commercial.
So artistically, you guys don't need to worry.
Your work will be seen.
We were supposed to shoot for another week.
Will we still get paid?
I don't see how.
Anyway, isn't this awesome?
I got us the rest of the week off!
Who's up for sushi and a matinee?
California roll!
♪ Ooh, la la la ♪
we can't go in here. This is where men go.
I did not get my pilot lover Derek
to get us on a last-Minute flight to indiana
and come to a lobster barrel bathroom
and not confront Aaron demayo.
Aaron demayo!
Get out here!
June.
If this is him, I get it and I am in.
June? Hey, Aaron!
What are you doing here?
June still has your old phone number memorized.
And your mom said you'd be here.
Now June is gonna screw it out with you
so she realizes that you're not the one that got away
and finally moves on.
No! No, I-I-I don't want to screw.
I'm here because
my crazy roommate is trying to prove a point.
She thinks that you and I have "Unfinished business."
She's going through a thing with a guy,
and I'm trying to tell her
that she can't do whatever she wants to people.
Like, when I busted Theresa Fisher for smoking
and I could've gotten her expelled but I chose not to.
Oh, my God. I totally forgot that Theresa used to smoke.
I'm surprised a.J. Was
born with all his fingers and toes
Wait. Who's a.J.?
Oh, sorry. A.J.'s our son.
Wait. You and Theresa are married?
Aaron, what is taking you so long?
A.J.'s insisting on going in the men's room,
but you never came back to the table,
and now I've left the twins alone with their Mac and cheese.
God, this is so real. Heartland.
Hey, Theresa. Hi, I'm June. We went to school together.
Yeah, it's nice to meet you. Aaron, can ya take a.J.?
he keeps saying he's gonna explode.
Kind of in the middle of something here.
Oh. Okay.
No, I'll do it. That's fine.
But I am going to cabo at the end of the month
with my sister, and I'm drinking Tequila.
There's a little boy in there, and that weirds me out.
Aaron, I-I can't believe you and Theresa ended up together.
Livin' the dream!
Guess it was fate.
Yeah. Or it was me.
What do you mean?
Well, if, you know, I'd gotten Theresa expelled,
things might've turned out differently.
You know, maybe you and I would've kept on dating.
Maybe we'd still be dating.
Who knows? Maybe I'd be the one in there in the stall,
helping a.J. Go.
Hey, get in here, honey! Knock yourself out!
June, this picture that you're painting...
do you really want it?
Do you really wanna live here
with this guy and that baby and these lobsters?
W-Well, I...
or did you just get hung up on the idea
because you thought this guy was the one who got away?
You're right.
What am I talking about? I-I don't want this.
I want this.
Oh, I knew it.
June, I kissed those girls
to illustrate how Boring your story was.
If I misled you in some way, I-- no! No!
I want what you represent--
my life in New York, the life that I already have.
See? I told you. You make a big move and you get clarity.
You just had to get Aaron demayo out of your system,
the same way I had to do with Benjamin.
Oh, Benjamin is this guy that I got deported.
It's a really long story,
but I'll tell you about it right now.
We were finally going to be in the same city
for a long stretch of time,
so we decided to have sex in Bathrooms everywhere we could.
We did it in my apartment, Diane Sawyer's dressing room,
an r.V...
Oh, my God. What am I doing?
Why am I talking about
something that happened a million years ago?
That was yesterday.
Exactly! Why haven't I moved on?
Can someone hand me all the paper towels?
You haven't moved on yet because he's still
in there and there,
even though he's not in there.
I'm not over him.
Occupied.
It's your captain.
Hey, I'm--I'm Derek.
Uh, number three in Chloe's rotation.
You have a phone call.
Hello? Sorry. I'm sorry.
What the hell, Chloe?! you had me deported?!
I can't come back to the states for a year!
Fine! Screw you!
Sorry. I'm...
this is me trying to apologize. All right?
I'm sorry.
Why'd you do it?
I... had to.
You said Melinda was your number one, and I got jealous.
Why didn't you say anything?
You could've talked to be about it instead of ruining my life.
Because I don't want to talk to you about this.
I don't want to want this.
I mean, maybe someday down the road, when we're old...
unless you don't age well.
I have a feeling your neck could get gross.
You know, it's okay to care about somebody.
I know, and that's why I'm calling you.
I'm sorry that I did this to you.
Thank you.
But I'm not sorry I did this for me.
I'm not ready for all this.
I get it.
Maybe someday.
You're gonna hang up on me now, aren't you?
Yes.
Hey.
How'd it go? Good.
Well, cheers to us.
To moving on.
I finally got over the one who got away,
and you... got away.
I told you it's dumb to get caught up with one guy.
It's claustrophobic.
It's like living in a big beautiful apartment
and Only hanging out in the bathroom.
What's going on?
Back in junior high,
this was my favorite post-Breakup empowerment song.
♪ Listen as your day unfolds ♪
♪ challenge what the future holds ♪
♪ try and keep your head up to the sky ♪
♪ you gotta be ♪
♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪
♪ you gotta be-- ♪
Big move.
Yep. Thanks.
Aah!
www.addic7ed.com