it's my job to distinguish Â myself from the herd,
to establish my own identity Â and break out from the pack--
Which is hard Â for most people to do.
Hey!
Have you ever been there? Â It doesn't matter.
Anyway, so I show up Â with a ton of licorice.
Have you ever seen "Becker"?
I don't have time Â for any of your crazy stories.
Mr. Harkin made me number two Â on a big presentation,
and I have Â a ton of work to do.
I hadn't Â seen "Becker" Either,
which is what I was Â telling This korean D.J.--
and I mean korean korean.
And--
(gasps)
Hi. Hi. Â Who's slamming doors?
Someone slamming a door Â in there?
Because I don't know if Â it's the acoustics or what,
but when you slam the door,
it's actually like Â a straight shot into my eardrum.
Okay? It's right here. Â The door slams right here.
So... okay, thank you.
(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'm not Â perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ but I can tell you ♪
(whispers) ♪ She's a... ♪ Â (buzzer)
♪ Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ♪
♪ ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ♪
(Mr. Harkin) June? It's me.
Mr. Harkin?
No, you don't need to see me. Â You just need to hear me.
Where are we with
the YOSHIDA industries Â presentation?
I am in the middle of assembling Â a long-Term, low-Risk--
So it turns out this korean D.J. Â Doesn't even have a work visa,
and the cops show up.
Luckily, Â it's friendly Officer Billy--
not to be confused Â with Drag Queen Billie club.
(lowered voice) Â What are you doing here?
June, who is that? Â I am so sorry, sir.
Um, that-- Â That's my friend... Minerva.
I will be in your office Â in just a minute
with Some preliminary numbers.
Minerva? Â What are you doing here?!
I'm finishing my story.
Hey, are these calcium chews Â for anybody?
Chloe, this is my workplace. Â You cannot come by here.
Don't be ridiculous.
I came by all the time when Â you worked at the coffee shop.
This is not Â the coffee shop.
Oh, really? Â Then what's he doing here?
Oh. June hooked it up.
Yeah, I come by twice a week.
It generates income for beans, Â improves employee productivity,
and it's a great way Â to network.
I printed my resume Â on the cup sleeves. See?
Is this readable at all?
I shoulda looked Â at a Mock-up,
But just so excited Â to get my life started.
June, what is going on?
The Yoshida meeting Â is Monday.
They're expecting me Â to dazzle them.
I'm expecting you to provide Â the information necessary
to do said Dazzling.
Don't drop the ball Â on this.
Absolutely not, sir. I will be Â in your office in just a minute.
Ooh! Workplace stuff. Fun.
Hey, remember how in bedrock Â at the end of the day,
They would pull a chicken, Â and it would scream
to let everyone know Â it was quittin' time?
What's your version Â of that?
What do you pull? Â What's your chicken?
Get... out.
Ew. You're mean Â at this place.
Text me Â if there's a lunch spread.
(Horn honks in distance)
Ahh.
I have too much money.
My wallet's so thick Â it's hurting my back.
It's the most important woman Â in the world!
♪ Da Da da-Da ♪ Â ♪ Da da ♪
(Robert and Crissy) Â the davises are here!
(hums) Â Uh, Crissy and Robert, Â what are you guys doing here?
You sent me, uh, an e-Mail Â a couple months back,
and you just sent me a text Â two days ago to follow up.
But yay! You're here.
We're so excited.
We haven't been to new York Â SINCE our wedding.
(imitates New York accebt) Â Hey, I'm walkin' here!
Robert, now stop it because we Â have a real actor in our midst. Â Oh!
James! (giggles)
nice to meet you, fan.
Thanks for coming. Â (door closes)
James, you remember Crissy, Â my friend from indiana?
We went to her wedding.
We did.
Uh, James is my freebie,
and, um, we just-- Â We found some privacy,
and you started-- Â You started kissing my neck.
No, no. Honey, honey, Â that's not how it started.
You're telling it wrong. Â Oh, sweetie, you tell it.
I am so sorry. He tells it Â so much better anyway.
Okay, okay, So, um, Crissy was Â kissing on James' neck...
okay. Â While James played Â with her breasts
Yeah. Â And fumbled with her corset.
(claps hands) Â Corset in the coatroom.
Of course! Yeah! Â It was a really fun wedding.
Oh! (laughs)
I have a big meeting Â on Monday,
So I'll have to work Â all weekend.
But, uh, I have to eat,
So, uh, let's just have Â a light Sunday brunch here.
Or... I could take us all Â to the gramercy club.
And you get brunch, and you get Â brunch, and you get brunch,
and you get brunch!
Everybody Gets brunch!
And This is where I do six hours Â of work behind the scenes
to make what James says Â magically happen.
Fernando? Hey, girl.
Brunch! Â I need a favor.
So... drag Queen Billie club Â is telling me
about her new Â Sunday night dance party
"Twerk Baton hot dog" Â At tushes,
and Officer Billy wants to go, Â but he's po-Po!
You can't have po-Po Â at "Twerk Baton Hot dog"!
the most fun meal Â of all the meals,
and you are Â completely ignoring
your friends Â who came to visit you
all the way from who cares.
You're right. I guess can Â I take a break. (chuckles)
So, um, Crissy, Robert,
what are you guys doing Â while you're in New York?
(both, singsongy) Â "Good morning America"!
ah. I've done "g.M.A." Â What are you promoting?
I'm kidding! Â I know you're just people! Â Oh!
(all laugh)
Yeah, we're gonna hold up signs Â outside the window
and get on tv.
Uh-Oh. Better make mine Â a virgin mimosa.
Oh! Spoiler alert!
I am pregnant!
That's wonderful! Â James is not the father!
I know. Robert's the father.
(both exhale deeply)
That's fantastic.
We conceived on the third night Â of our honeymoon. Â Yeah.
The first two nights, my mom was Â still sharing our hotel room.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me. Um, I haven't Â drank in a while.
I'm gonna go use Â the restroom.
(chuckles)
(faucet running)
(sighs) Ohh.
I feel a little light-headed.
But it's okay. Â I'll just segue to tea
and get those files Â over to harkin.
You landed Yoshida.
But--But the Yoshida meeting Â isn't until Monday.
Yeah, and today's tuesday.
I--wh-What happened to brunch?
Get this crazy bitch Â some brunch!
(Fox giggles)
(door slams)
June, congrats on Yoshida!
And I told my husband what you Â said on Monday, and he agreed.
Canceled the adoption. Â (laughs)
Good! A lot happened on Monday, Â and today's--Today's tuesday.
June, your advice yesterday Â worked.
The swelling's completely gone!
(rattles)
I got it. Â Thanks so much, June.
Si, se puede, right?
Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Â Pick up. Pick up.
(beep) Â Hi.
What happened to me?
Oh. You were blacked out Â for two days.
Why?! Â the last thing I remember
was being in the bathroom Â at brunch.
Yeah, so immediately Â before that,
I "Black lightninged" you.
What? Â I put an herb
that I got off the internet Â called black lightning
into your mimosa.
You've been so Boring Â and self-obsessed lately.
I wanted to shake you up Â like a snow globe.
What did I do while Â I was blacked out?
A lot of things.
Whee!
♪♪♪
Whee!
♪ ♪
Whee!
Can you believe Â I did that to you?
Pretty crazy of me, right?
So I'm there, Â about to walk Yoshida through
our conservative Â investment proposal,
when you roll in, talking Â high-risk, high-reward...
and you dazzled them.
They wanted safe. Â You called an audible.
And, lady, that's the kind of Â thing that gets you promoted
from junior analyst Â to senior junior analyst!
Huh?! Ha ha!
(laughs) Â Thank you! Ohh.
Just got off the phone Â with the adoption agency.
Baby's canceled! (laughs)
Good luck growing up Â in the Ukraine, baby.
You'll be cold, Â and I'll be drunk!
(laughs) Whoo!
(Kenny Loggins) Â ♪ highway to the danger zone ♪
(fan whirring, remote beeps)
(turns off Music and fan)
So loud!
I'm just taking a mind ride, Â thinking about Crissy's baby.
I mean, how could she be so sure Â that it's not mine?
Wait. I'm confused.
Do you want the baby Â to be yours?
I just think it's weird
that with all Â the wild celebrity sex I've had,
I've never had Â a pregnancy scare.
You haven't? Â (laughs) Oh, honey.
Even I've had Â a pregnancy scare.
(deep voice) Â Yo, I just want you to know
that I'm-a be here for you Â through this whole--
It's negative!
(high-pitched voice) Oh! Ah! Â Negative! (laughs)
Oh! Â That was close, girl!
Crissy can't say anything Â in front of her husband,
but she says that they conceived Â on their honeymoon.
We slept together Â on their wedding day.
That's pretty close.
Now that I think about it,
if I had to pit your sperm Â against his sperm... (gasps)
I'll get a D.N.A. Test Â after the baby's born.
If it's mine, I'll just Sue Â for sole custody.
Don't touch that. Â But in the meantime,
what kind of lifestyle Â is Crissy leading?
I mean, how much is she Â exercising? What is she eating?
Well, she did eat Â all the good bread at brunch,
I'll tell you that much.
Oh, you left us
the one hard, multigrain roll Â with sunflower seeds in it?
Thanks, tubs.
Hmm.
Nope, you're good.
Okay. (sighs)
here is what I have pieced Â together from my blackout.
At 11:14 P.M., Â I sent myself an e-mail
saying, "Warn them."
And you think I'm gay, Â which is insane to me.
Can you pass Â the glitter glue?
You know whose fault Â this is? Mine.
I did this to you Â on purpose for no reason.
It's pretty terrible of me, Â right?
I don't know. I mean, it seems Â like everything turned out okay.
I mean, we had fun,
and you agreed to hold up signs Â with us at "G.M.A."
which is gonna be Â super great--
Although it is going to be Â difficult to top
our seven hours Â of strip bowling.
(cell phone rings) Â (Crissy and Robert laugh)
"The booty"? Â who's the booty?
(ring) Â Oh, it must be a booty call Â from Monday.
Oh, my God. What did I do? Â (ring)
did I hook up with Somebody? Â Who was that?!
here. I'll call them Â from my phone,
and then I'll find out Â who was in your body.
Chloe, no. I don't know Â if I wanna know who that was.
And then I'll put it Â on speaker.
(beep, phone rings)
(singsongy) Hello?
Hi. Who's this?
Chloe? It's Mark. Â Mark?
What are you doing Â answering the Booty's phone?
Is the booty there?
(laughs) Did June tell you?
Yeah, I'm the booty, Â and she's cutie.
(whispers) Oh, my god! Â Oh, my god! Hang up!
Hang up! Â June? Is that you, cutie?
(thud) Â Oh!
Well, I'm torn
because the poster's ruined, Â but...
there's a lot of glitter, Â which I enjoy.
I mean, even if Â their honeymoon was delayed,
sperm can live for days Â in a warm, moist climate.
Uh, can we please Â talk about something else?
No, they're stopping. Â Why are they...
Oh, my God. Stop the car.
Oh, hi!
Hey, Luther, look! Â It's Crissy and Robert!
James! Â (laughs)
Wow! (laughs)
June told us this cart has Â amazing falafels.
You mean Â amazing miscarriages. Â James!
What? Â You know,
I read that good pregnants Â avoid fried foods.
Let's get you Â to the farmer's market,
get you a nice Â whole roasted chicken. Â Ooh!
That's all my mom ate, Â and look at me. I'm in a limo.
Come on, hop in. Â Okay.
(Allen gasps) Â Oh, you're the--
What's going on?
(gasps) Your pig came.
We heard snorting, Â so we opened the box.
I can't believe I ever Â used to hate you, June.
Now you have a pig. (gasps)
(giggles) Â What the hell?
2-Day delivery. You must've Â ordered him on Monday.
(whispers) Monday.
Is that his name? Â That's a cute name.
Monday the pig. Â Great pig.
June, tell the guys from H.R. Â They haven't heard it.
Heard what?
(laughing) The dirty joke Â you told on Monday! Â (Allen laughs)
So filthy!
I started to tell it, Â but it's not really a boss joke,
if you know what I mean. Â Go ahead.
(laughs)
this, um... Â (pig snorting)
mexican...
Oh. Ha!
That walks into a...
(snorting continues)
penis...
No. Yes. Oh, I-I am not off. Â I am on.
I am--I am super on. Â Good.
Bring that energy to dinner Â with Yoshida tonight.
Dinner?
They want you to walk them Â through your proposal
step-by-step.
Right! My proposal! Â My Monday proposal.
(chuckles) Monday just Â doesn't end, does it?
Just bring this thing home. Â I trust you,
senior junior analyst Â June Colburn.
(slaps back) Â (chuckles)
(snorting)
I'm done holding him.
(door slams)
You have no idea what you Â pitched to these guys on Monday,
but you can wing it.
You can channel Monday, June. Â She is in there.
You can do this. Â You can close this deal.
(whispers) Â No, you can't.
That was my mirror voice,
but I share Â the mirror's opinion.
You shouldn't have gone Â to work wasted.
Hey, I am under Â a lot of pressure.
I do not need judgment from you.
Hey! Don't you snap at Eli.
This is not his fault. Â It's mine.
So you point that mad face Â this way.
(cell phone rings)
(ring) Â It's mark again.
(beep) Â Hello?
Hi, the booty. Â Bet you wanna talk to cutie.
She's right here.
No, I don't--
Hi, mark.
I booked the hotel room.
Oh. Okay.
That--that sounds like Â something that we... discussed.
So meet there tonight?
We'll have some fun, Â like you said Monday.
Okay. Gotta go. Bye! Â (beep)
Oh, god. Â I gotta deal with that.
But first, I gotta deal Â with the Yoshida account.
It's gonna go Yoshida, mark, Â the pig,
the grass stains Â on my clothes.
I'm the one Â that ordered you that pig!
I meant for it to be Â a panda!
I checked the wrong box.
(woman on tv) Your baby is
now about the size Â of a kidney bean
and is constantly moving.
Well, we're gonna get going.
But you're only halfway through Â "Healthy Mommy, healthy baby."
(baby cries) Â (turns off dvd)
What's going on with you, James? Â Why do you seem so upset?
All right.
(sighs) Just hear me out. Â This is difficult.
I know you said there isn't,
but there's a slight chance that Â that baby could be mine.
No. No, there's no chance Â the baby could be yours, James.
But even if there was, Â what's your plan here?
(sighs deeply) Â Okay, this is...
this is Â the really difficult part.
Don't take this the wrong way, Â but I...
I don't think Â you will be a good mother.
What? Â I'm just saying,
I-I don't think Â you'll be a good mother.
I-I...
don't...
think you'll be Â a good mother.
(scoffs) Â (stammers)
No other words are Â revealing themselves to me
to convey this to you.
I think Â this is when we leave.
I cannot believe I wasted Â my freebie on you, James.
Come on. Â W--
(sighs) Â I mean, Crissy, wait.
Wait. Wait.
I...
don't think you'll be Â a good mother.
(door slams)
so exciting. It's just like Â you said on Monday.
Your potential for bankruptcy Â is also very high.
You could lose everything.
High-Risk, high-Reward.
You believe in this strategy, Â right?
You think this is Â the way to go?
Arigato! (singsongy) Hey!
Hi. What are we drinkin'?
what are you doing here?
I was just out. Â I missed you.
What? Â You're looking at me weird.
June, can I speak with you?
(chuckles)
And why is it taking you so long Â to close this thing?
Where's that Monday dazzle?
The dazzle is still here, sir. Â It's just--
It's more... it's nuanced.
I don't want nuanced dazzle. Â I want razzle-dazzle!
Well, then get out of here. Â Let me work my magic.
Your boss energy is putting Â a damper on the dazzle.
You are Â freaking everybody out.
There's that Monday dazzle.
Close this deal.
Bring home Â the head of the Bull.
Sever the neck of the serpent Â with the sword of damocles!
Now get out of here, Â old man lingo.
(laughs)
She kidnapped them!
I'm not angry. Â I just want my clients back.
Harkin thinks this is still all Â part of my master dazzle plan,
and--Oh, god. Where have you Â been?! where are my clients?! Â (beep)
I took them to Â an after-Hours party.
Pretty terrible of me, right?
I mean, what kind of person Â would do something like that?
Well, w-W-Where are they now? Â I need to close this deal.
What do I have to do?! Â you know what?
They're not gonna close Â this deal with you
because they agreed to close Â this deal with Monday June.
And guess what? Â It's thursday.
I am Monday June. Â No.
I-I am always Monday June. Â The dazzle is inside of me.
I know that you think that Â I'm safe and that I'm boring
and that's why you drugged me. Â But you know what? I am not.
I am high-Risk, Â and I am high-Reward!
(cell phone rings)
(beep) Â What, booty?!
Yeah, so I've been Â waiting here all night.
Uh, you're clearly not coming, Â so I'm gonna go.
Oh, so you, too, huh? You all Â want me to be fun and crazy.
You all want me to be Â Monday June.
Well, guess what? Â Here she comes.
Get naked and Wait.
Uh...
(beep)
I just have one stop Â I'll be making first.
♪♪♪
Just take a look Â at those snowfall totals.
Now, you know, Â it's chilly outside,
so coming up next,
how about some recipes Â to put the chili inside?
Of your bodies, we mean. Â We're makin' chili.
Sam! (giggles) Â (laughs)
June! Â Oh, my gosh. You came.
Of course I came.
I said I'd come Â to "G.M.A." with you, didn't I?
You seem rather agitated.
I am not. I am fun.
I am Monday June fun!
Delicious.
And the great part Â about this is... Â (glass squeaks)
it works with Turkey, beans, Â or even vegetarian.
♪ La-La, la-La-La ♪
well...
apparently everyone in the world Â watches "g.M.A."
I lost the Yoshida account.
Harkin is no longer promoting me Â to junior senior analyst.
He would've fired me, Â but I gave him the pig.
Wow. Big day.
You won, Chloe.
You kept pushing me Â and pushing me
to be more fun and spontaneous Â like you, and I cracked.
I cracked two Fried eggs Â on the "g.M.A." Window.
What? Â Two Fried eggs--
When you push your boobs Â up against the glass.
It's a pressed ham Â when you do your Butt.
Ham, Butt. Eggs, boobs.
You think I've been trying Â to get you to be like me?
I didn't black lightning you Â or order you a pig,
blow up your dinner, Â and kidnap your clients
to get you to do Â Fried Eggs.
Then why did you do it?
Since you got that new job, Â you're never around.
That's what this is? Â You missed me?
No, I don't miss you.
I... miss you Â reacting to me.
I mean, if I can't come home Â from a crazy night
and shock you with my stories, Â what am I even doing it for?
If a crazy, drunk tree Â barfs in the forest--
If Sean young Â barfs in the forest,
and there's no one there Â to see it, did it even happen?
Oh, my God.
You almost cost me my job
because you missed me.
See? Â Was that so difficult?
By the way, Â your left egg is smaller.
I freeze-Framed it. Â I'm gonna put it on a t-Shirt.
(knock on door)
(door creaks)
You told me Â to get naked and wait.
I have to be honest Â with you.
Um... I don't really remember Â Monday.
(chuckles) You're in my phone Â as "The booty,"
so clearly we...
no! No! (stammers)
We were joking that we were Â gonna write a detective show
called Â "Cutie and the booty."
I-I put you in my phone Â as "Cutie,"
and you put me in yours Â as "The booty."
(squeaks) Oh!
Okay!
(laughs) Â Oh!
Uh, w-Wait. Why did I want Â a hotel room?
Yeah, that was unclear.
Uh, you said we'd have Â a good time.
What did I mean Â by "have a good time"?
(laughs) Â (laughs) I don't know!
Ha ha! Â I do not know!
I-I figured we were either gonna Â order a bunch of room service
and empty the mini-bar,
or...
it's a mystery.
It's a mystery! It's--It's Â a case for cutie and the booty!
Oh! (laughing) Â (laughs)
Whoo!
For the record, Â I like regular June better.
Um, Monday was confusing.
For me, too!
I don't know why, Â but my legs are so sore.
♪ She can go lower than I ever Â really thought she could ♪
♪ face down ♪ Â ♪ ass up ♪
♪ the top of yo' booty jigglin' Â out yo' jeans ♪
♪ baby, pull your pants up ♪
♪ I like it Â when I see you do it ♪ Â (door slams)
I will show you Â a real New York weekend.
Oh, it took us a year Â to save up for this trip,
but thank you. (laughs) Â (laughs)
(sighs) Yeah.
I...
I'm a jerk. Â No argument here.
Robert, that's sweet of you Â to say, but it's True.
We did Â some further research.
There's no way Â the Baby could be mine.
Our original understanding Â of sperm was erroneous.
All that aside,
Crissy, I'm sorry I said Â you'd be a bad mother.
It's not True.
And I would like to try Â to make it up to you
by offering to pay for Â the baby's college education.
The whole thing--
Phd, grad school, Â wherever he wants to go.
(gasps) Oh, my God. Â (laughs)
Wow! (laughs)
(whispers indistinctly)
No way. Â Mm-hmm.
(June) Oh, my god! Â (Robert and Crissy laugh)
How do people afford that? Â I'm rich, but I'm not crazy.
Uh, how about a microwave?
Luther, Â send them a microwave.
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