Mother's day card.
I like to make my own, Â tell her how I really feel.
(door opens)
Well, Dean Cain's Â a freakin' hero.
It's all over the internet. Â (door closes)
A mobile grooming Van Â caught on fire,
and Dean saved Â every single dog inside.
Even the Poodles?
Yeah. What an attention whore.
Oh, no. There's a dead body Â underneath that tarp. Â (siren wails, Â indistinct shouting)
(dog yelping) Â Oh, it's just puppies!
Ohh. Â (woman) I love you, Dean Cain!
First he's superman on tv. Â Now he's superman in real life?
How am I supposed Â to compete with that
on "Dancing with the Stars"?
Oh, no. It's happening. Â You're in it.
Oh, no. I'm in it.
Wait. Oh. You're in what?
My head. I... ugh! Â I can't get out!
I can't dance Â next to superman!
I'm gonna make a fool out of Â myself on national television.
When that happens, I get in Â my head. When I get in my head--
It's okay. You can show June. Â Brace yourself.
This happens. (pants) Â Stress-Induced flop sweat.
James, you need Â to stop obsessing.
You know what happens when Â you work yourself up like this.
Remember why you got recast Â from that Sean Penn movie?
Want to suck on Â something... cool?
Thanks for getting it Â started for me.
(man) Aw, cut. Â Cut. Get me Franco. Â (buzzer)
Wait. Wait. W-W-W--one more.
You try making out
with one of the greatest actors Â of this generation.
James, you just need to relax Â and take your mind off things.
Get a little perspective. Â It's just a dance show.
Yeah, that millions of people Â watch every week.
I will not be embarrassed Â on that stage.
I'm gonna get serious.
I'm preparing for the greatest Â role of my career... me.
♪ but I can tell you ♪
(whispers) ♪ She's a... ♪ Â (buzzer)
♪ Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ♪
♪ ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ♪
Oh, thank you. My grandson just Â gave it to me for my birthday.
Oh, so you're a pisces. Â Uh-huh.
Okay, I'm back. Â Bye, "Murder, she wrote."
Stay dry! Chloe! What the hell?! Â why can't you just be friendly?!
because friendly's Â a waste of time.
"Hey, how are you?" Â "I'm great. How are you?"
"I'm great." Â Back and forth until you die.
Friendly is not Â a waste of time.
Friendly has gotten me Â 700 friends on facebook,
one in each of the 50 states, Â 3 in guam.
I always know Â what's going on in guam.
Please. Â Those people are all fake.
How many of them Â are your real friends?
How many of them Â will call you out
if you say "Guac" Â Instead of "Guacamole"?
ooh, that reminds me, Â I gotta call James
and tell him he was saying Â "Primo" Too much last night.
(phone rings)
(beep)
Hello, memo Paris.
What? Who's that?
Kim Basinger's character Â in "The Natural." Remember?
The succubus who almost Â destroyed Robert Redford's
baseball career.
Luther, can you stop being gay Â for one second and put James on?
James is unavailable.
He's begun Â an intense training Regimen
and wants no distractions.
We've relocated Â to an undisclosed location.
Put James on the phone!
No.
I am the gatekeeper.
Be gone, succubus.
Luther, you-- Â (beep)
99...
100.
We've got a very big task Â ahead of us.
We've got to prepare Â my mind and my body
for "Dancing with the Stars."
First the body. What does Â the workout schedule say?
"Time for ten minutes Â of resistance work,
followed by light stretching Â and a quick pee."
(whispers) Okay.
(normal voice) Now the mind. Â I'm gonna say some names.
You tell me Â what they have in common.
Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Â John Travolta.
Male. They were all male.
No. Â Really?
No, I mean, that's not Â what they had in common.
They were all dancers Â who had the mental stamina
to not let their nerves Â get to them. Now...
unfortunately, Â I'm not that lucky.
You know who wasn't lucky? Â Princess Diana.
So I found the best doctor Â in the country--Dr. Rubenstein.
He's gonna give me these shots Â underneath my arms
so that I don't sweat, Â so even if I'm terrified inside,
on the outside, Â I'll be dry as a flour tortilla.
So don't address Â the core issue,
just put a temporary Â band-aid on it? Love.
(exhaling deeply)
So my new sofa came.
And?
You were right.
Jennifer chose it Â for book club.
Oh, that's a fun thing Â to do together.
It's the one night Â she drinks wine and gets freaky.
(whispers) Â She gets on top, June.
Well, that's great. It's good Â to have things to aspire to.
Problem is, she takes Â the discussion very seriously,
and I'm on page 8, of 704.
If I can't find hidden themes,
she puts on her mouth guard Â and calls it a night.
(door bells Jingle)
Ugh. Luther has cut me off Â from James.
I've been calling and calling, Â and I can't get through.
I hate that broke-down ho.
I think Luther's nice.
Oh. Really? When did you Â become his number one super fan?
Yes! Did yours?
Yes!
(both) Hi!
We meet for pedicures Â once a week now.
Oh, that's so sweet. Has his Â cycle linked up with yours, too? Â (door bells jingle)
See? That is why Luther doesn't Â like you--because you are rude.
Why would he do anything for you Â when you're such a bitch to him?
Oh! I get it.
So if I'm nice to Luther, Â he'll give me access to James.
June, that is the first helpful Â thing you've ever said to me.
So if I close Â the bathroom door,
then it's like Â a little sanctuary?
June, that is the first helpful Â thing you've ever said to me.
No--You're not gonna listen Â to me, and you're just gonna
make fun of everything Â that I have to say.
Come on. Â You know you want to.
No.
You know, Â teaching someone to be friendly
is the friendliest Â thing of all.
Of course I will do it!
Okay. All you need to do is Â remember the acronym "P.E.N.S."
Pay attention, eye contact, Â notice details, and smile.
♪♪♪
Hey. So you're okay with Â Wearing ELASTIC waist Pants?
Hi. How are you?
Nice chest balloons. Â What did those land you?
Produce manager? Mailman?
Which half of you is black?
Hey, you remembered Â my name. Nice!
What? What am I doing wrong?
There's someone Â I'd like to introduce you to.
(crowd cheering, Â woman speaking indistinctly)
Who is that sinewy Â morning princess?
This is Kelly Ripa.
She's the friendliest Â woman on the planet.
Watch her. Learn from her.
(laughs) Â What is she laughing about?
(giggles) something. Â (giggles)
I don't care where her Â and her husband went for dinner.
Although Â I don't like curry, either,
so I do understand Â her frustration.
Oh. She got stuck in traffic Â in the Holland tunnel.
That's happened Â to me before. Â Mm-hmm.
She's going around the city Â to find the best cupcake.
I definitely have opinions Â on that, Kelly Ripa!
Are there really only 50 Â shopping days till Valentine's?
What are you gonna get Â your husband mark?
You paid attention. Â You made eye contact.
You answered her even though Â she couldn't hear you.
You are ready.
(laughs)
(barks)
(brakes squeal)
so he's gonna freak out Â when he sees you,
But just stay the course.
Didn't this use to be Â a chinese takeout place?
It still is.
Mrs. Nguyen had Â the nail salon,
and Mr. Nguyen had Â a way with Noodles,
so they fell in love, Â and here we are.
Hi, Mrs. Nguyen! Â Hi. I'm June Colburn.
I'm friends with the salon Â on Facebook?
Ahh, yes.
Hey, girl.
I'm just inputting Â James' calories for the day,
and then I will be r--
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
(speaks asian dialect)
Luther...
I'm not telling you Â where James is.
I understand, and...
(pants)
I'm not asking you to.
Coffee?
Look, I'm sorry that Â I've been such a bitch to you.
I'm working on it.
I've just never really Â been good at people.
I didn't have Â a grandmother who made pies.
What did your grandma make? Â Emotional scars?
Yeah.
And a pretty good Â plum cobbler.
Friars.
(gasps) Â That is a fragile plum.
(both slurping)
who he is surely boffing, Â a box of saltwater taffy
from the boardwalk, Â from atlantic city,
and that's how I got James in Â so quickly. (chuckles)
Luther, I have to be honest.
At first, Â I thought you were being a diva
for blocking me from James, Â but after talking to you,
maybe it is better Â if James focuses on training
and not have Â distractions from me.
Yes. Well, James does Â get very intense
when he's preparing for roles, Â and I guess I do, too.
So I apologize Â for calling you a succubus.
That's okay.
I knew you two Â would work it out.
I have to say, Â I am pleasantly surprised.
I've seen a different Â side of you today, Chloe.
What do you say, ladies? Â Shall we keep this party going?
I got a pack of cigarettes Â in my freezer,
and I live within shouting Â distance of Linda Ronstadt.
(Luther and June giggle)
Chloe?
(door closes)
(Chloe) Yeah! Â (car door opens)
No one keeps me from my James! Â So long, suckas!
She got James' phone.
(normal voice, Â speaks asian dialect)
(door closes)
Luther. Finally. I'm parched. Â Did you get my juice--
Hey, Jorge. (crunches)
Hey, w-what are you Â doing here?
I fake-Ripa'd Luther.
I stole your phone from him
and then used the gps Â to find you.
Can you believe he was trying Â to keep us from hanging out?
Well, I am training, so...
Where's the fat girl?
What?
The fat girl Â putting lotion on herself.
Aren't we inside the well Â from "Silence of the lambs"?
This is Â my rustic training Bunker.
It's purposely sparse Â so I can focus.
Yeah, about that, Â you need to stop doing that.
I'm gonna take you out, Â and we're gonna have fun,
and you're gonna forget Â all about your dance recital.
It's not a dance recital. Â It's--Â Ooh, let's find a fire escape Â and throw croutons at people.
Come on. Oh. I just Â have to do one thing first.
It means Â she ran out of egg rolls.
(gasps) What was I thinking, Â trusting her?
Of course she didn't want Â to learn how to be friendly.
How many times am I gonna be Â taken by this girl?
It's like my mother always said. Â Never trust a tall white woman.
Of course, Â my mother is Shorter than me,
so that's every white woman.
Here?
Mnh-Mnh.
Keep--right there.
Wow.
Very small.
if I'm gonna Â fill that tub up with it.
What are you doing? Â We're here to have fun
and trash the place, Â like we always do.
Oh, Chloe, I can't.
I've gotta finish Â ten rounds of circuit training.
Hey. You're not Â sweating anymore.
I know. Â Dr. Rubinstein's shots worked.
I'm terrified inside, Â but you can't even tell outside.
Great! Let's celebrate by...
(door opens)
Smashing that desk!
Guess Who?
(door closes) Â Um, you?
That's right.
What are you doing here? Â How did you even find us?
I called him.
What? Why?
'Cause I need to stay focused,
and I realized he's the only one Â who can keep me on track.
Shazam. ♪ Da da-Da da ♪ Â Luther.
I'd love to ride Â the glass elevator with you
and flash tourists, but I need Â to not make a fool of myself
While dancing Â next to superman.
I can't afford any distractions, Â and, well, you're a distraction.
Dude, what you need Â is someone to be real with you.
You need to relax Â and be yourself
and Stop worrying about it.
Why?! so you can Â have your playmate back?
That's why you would Â never make a good friend--
because you're selfish, Â and you are unsupportive.
No, I'm just not fake
like you and your Â sinewy morning Princess.
(gasps) Â Oh, my God.
(gasping)
are you happy?
You have upset him so much, Â he is soiling himself.
I didn't soil myself. Â My sweat must have redirected.
I shut down my armpits. It must Â have found its way to my thighs!
Dude, it looks like pee.
Smile. Â (camera shutter clicks)
James, someday, I promise,
you're gonna look back Â and laugh at this.
I'm there now, Â and it's pretty hilarious.
Oh. I've seen Â those looks before.
They're the reason I stopped Â doing stand-up. I'm leaving.
"Let's go rollerblading!"
I end up the mule Â for a drug deal.
"Let's go see Â 'daddy day care.'"
I end up on a date Â with David Arquette's roommate.
June, do you mind? I'm trying Â to finish "Moby Dick" Here.
I abandoned the reading Â and went for the audio.
I'm playing it on fast speed.
Sounds like a bunch of boring Â chipmunks, and I love chipmunks.
You're right, mark. Â I am sorry.
Unlike Chloe, Â I am a supportive friend.
Let me know if there's Â anything I can do to help you.
Totally.
I mean right now, not later, Â When, uh, Jennifer is on top,
which I remember you mentioning Â that you liked a lot.
Because I'm a good friend.
Go back to your book, Â old silly...
want-to-be-on-the-bottom guy.
There's enough here Â for both of us,
but I'm gonna drink it all.
I am not giving you Â any of my energy
or my thoughts or my focus.
Yep. Â (thud)
That's what I'm doing.
When friendship blows cold...
it blows icy.
Oh. Good god, woman.
Stop burying me Â with your word avalanche.
I know you think Â I'm not a good friend,
but I have reasons Â for doing what I did.
I stole the phone Â so I could get to James
and get him out of his head. Â I know him.
I've seen him obsess Â about things in the past,
and it never goes Well, Â so believe it or not,
I actually am Â looking out for him.
Well, I guess, I mean, you do Â know him better than anyone--
Plus I sold his sweat photo Â to the Paparazzi. Look.
It's right here Â on celeb-Pudding.
Damn it! She got me again.
I should have listened Â to Luther's mother.
Tall white Women Â cannot be trusted.
(door slams)
Yeah. I texted him.
Why? Why would she do this?
If it is any consolation, Â you are dry as a cracker.
I mean it in the saltine way, Â not the derogatory, honky way.
Look, I've been telling James
he needs to relax Â and get out of his head.
He's not gonna Â out-Superman Dean Cain,
so he needs to be everyman. Â That's who people vote for.
People like their celebrities Â to have a flaw,
because it makes them real.
Michael J. Fox, for example-- Â Adored by millions.
Are you tricking me?
Trust me, this is gonna make him Â more popular than ever.
Hmm.
Did someone send you Â the Link?
Yeah, like, ten people.
It's the number two Â trending topic on Yahoo!--
after that footage of all those Â mice in the tornado. (chuckles)
Chloe's right. It worked. Â He is popular.
Oh. Uh, not exactly.
(keys Click)
"Dawson's Creek Â springs a Leak,"
uh, "James Van Der weak"...
someone did a meme Â of his thighs crying,
set to Â the "Dawson's Creek" Theme.
(music playing, man crying)
There are a lot of creative Â people on the internet... Â (taps key)
and I... am one of them. Â (types)
(saxophone music playing)
I made this. "Sax cat."
This is is one sax-y cat. Â ♪ M-M-Meow meow meow ♪
I know. It totally backfired.
I would have never Â intentionally hurt James.
(banging on door)
(James) Chloe. Â (gasps) Oh, damn.
(saxophone music stops playing)
(squeak)
Hi.
Weird you chose tonight Â to jump over.
My co-workers from Â the health department are here.
Shonda's retiring. We're Â giving her a little send-Off.
You guys are all Â in violation...
of being too sober. Â (laughter)
I need to talk to you.
I know, but I'm scared.
Don't be.
I want to thank you.
Thank her?
She just embarrassed you Â in front of the entire world.
Exactly.
I mean, yeah, Â at first I was devastated,
but then it hit me--
Nothing that happens Â on "Dancing with the Stars"
Could possibly Â be as bad as that.
For the first time in weeks, Â I'm out of my head. I'm free.
See, that's what I've Â been trying to tell you.
You're not superman,
but you don't need to be, Â because you're you.
You're a good friend.
Hey, uh, question--
Did either one of us Â ever check out of the bergamont?
Wait, wait, Â how did you do that?
You just told him that he wasn't Â superman, and he thanked you.
I can't even defriend Â that weirdo from guam.
Because there is a difference
between being a friend Â and being friendly.
Why don't you stop being Â Kelly ripa for a minute,
and try it?
Try what?
Telling someone Â something they need to hear,
even if they don't Â want to hear it.
Okay.
Chloe? I think Â you party too much.
Oh. right to me. Okay, well, Â that's fine. It's True. I do.
And, James? You do Â too many christmas movies.
(chuckles) I don't care.
Have you seen the internet? Â My thighs are crying.
(laughs) And, Eli--
My boss is here-- Â Mr. Montgomery,
so not a good time for me.
Okay. All right.
Well, you'll get a rain check Â for that realness, then.
(inhales and exhales sharply)
where you going?
I think I'm gonna go Â help out another friend.
(door opens) Â Whatever.
Whoo! Yeah!
(jazz music playing)
I just think ishmael's Â struggle against the whale
represents our own journey.
(whispers) Yes.
(knock on Door)
Those must be the crullers Â we ordered from the bakery.
I'm-a eat two. (chuckles)
Mark, I have not been Â a good friend to you.
I haven't told you what I really Â think about what's happening.
You shouldn't have to Â read "Moby Dick"
To get your girlfriend Â to go on top.
I mean, Jennifer... Â come on! Just get up there!
You know, hit the lights! Â Put on a t-shirt!
Do whatever you gotta do! Â Take your ponytail out!
Don't worry about Â the double chins!
Just get up there Â and get in the moment!
(exhales)
Okay.
Friend. Carry on.
(door slams)
Miss piggy--Not real--Unfriend. Â All of guam... unfriend. Â (knock on door)
Look, we don't Â have to like each other,
but we're both Â in James' life forever.
Correct...
until he gets a wife.
She'll be fiercely Â jealous of us,
but then we'll unite Â in our hatred for her.
And slowly prove her Â to be crazy in James' eyes.
I feel like she'll be called Â Linda. (whispers) I hate her.
Linda.
www.addic7ed.com
I heard so much about it.
Must be good. (chuckles)
Mmm!
(mouth full) It's really good.