MARTIN: (AS TERRY WOGAN) Good morning to you, one and all.
It is I, little old Terry Wogan,
coming to you via the radio.
I'm currently on the B132.
"Am I going the right way?" Writes Janice. Who knows?
Oh, it's morns like this I wish I was back in Phuket,
at a full moon party, bouncing a lady boy on each knee
whilst chasing the dragon.
"Great days," sobs Kenneth.
You're listening to Wake Up With Wogan. No, you're listening to
Wake Up With Wogan Standing Over Yas In A Nappy Full To The Brim.
Well, it's one of those mornings.
(SIGHS) And I'm stuck in traffic.
(AS ALAN CARR) Course, the more important you are,
the closer you park to the building.
So I park about a mile away, which is shit.
Anyway, we're talking about man boobs.
Email us, text us if your fella's got moobs.
They do...
Ooh! Who's on the line? Beryl?
Has your fella got moobs?
(ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA, INDISTINCT)
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Jean? - Martin.
Is this an emergency?
Martin, there is a pigeon on my bus.
Well, a pigeon getting on a bus is not an emergency, is it?
It thinks it's a person, though.
Well, it will probably get off at the next stop, won't it?
It's dead cute. Aw.
- Jean? - It's coming towards me,
I think it's picking a seat.
Mate, there's a pigeon on the bus.
Jean?
(AS DALE WINTON) Chelsea, you've done ever so well,
and we'll be done by home time.
So bring on the wall!
(S&M BY RHIANNA LEAKING FROM HEADPHONES)
Dionne? Is that you?
It's Martin.
Blimey, you sound different.
Mind you, it's been a few years, hasn't it?
(CHUCKLES)
I still sound the same? Is that good?
Listen, erm, I wanted to ring because Facebook's a bit, you know.
Yeah.
No, and I hear what you're saying.
Yeah. Dionne? Yeah...
No, I hear what you're saying,
I just think that I would feel better if we did the test.
I just want to be absolutely sure he's my son.
You know, before we bond and all that, you know?
Yeah?
Listen, Dionne, I've got to go.
- Could train chimpanzees... - Yep, OK. Yep. Bye.
(SIGHS)
Oh my God, you'll never guess what he's gone and done now.
- Don't know. - He's unfollowed me.
- He has unfollowed me. - What a bastard.
Huh. What does your "paedo-meter" say?
It's pronounced "pe-dom-eter".
Does it beep when you go past schools?
- Uh, just over a mile. - A mile?
Well, that's all right, call it our warm-up.
(SIGHS)
Why would anybody join a proper gym when it's all out here for free?
It's a bit open, though, Martin.
Everyone can see us, can't they? It's weird.
No one's watching us. Anyway, it's better out in the open.
It's like how Rocky used to train.
It's a bit like being kids again, isn't it?
More like Rocky.
(MARTIN EXHALES)
Are you scared about meeting him for the first time?
Don't know.
Is he tall like you?
Don't know, really, I've only got this picture of his head.
Let's have a look.
Ah.
What does he do?
I can't remember exactly, something to do with computers.
- Dead impressive. - Sure he's yours?
How old is he? Stephen, is it?
- Eighteen. - Eighteen.
God, think of all the time you've missed with him.
That's shit, that, isn't it?
What would you have bought him for his tenth birthday?
Buckaroo?
Buckaroo scared me.
Is it 'cause of him you're doing all the working out and getting buff?
Don't know.
Asking for a promotion at work and that,
it's 'cause you think he might be disappointed in you?
Bloody hell, Jean.
He'll be dead impressed with all your voices, though, won't he, pickle?
I don't want to bombard him with all of that.
(AS GOK WAN) Look at what you're wearing.
It's high street tragedy.
You need some Gok Wan magic and fast.
(NORMAL VOICE) I suppose Gok's a bit like Dale Winton, really.
It's just Dale Winton's a bit like, "Hoo-ee!"
(AS GOK WAN) And Gok's a bit more like that.
Nah. (AS GOK WAN) He might think it's really weird.
You've made me feel all paranoid about me clothes now, Martin.
Well, I was only joking. You look nice.
Here, watch this.
What are you doing, knobhead?
(AS RONNIE CORBETT) Hey-hey! Would you believe it?
I've only gone and got trapped in the post box.
- (JEAN LAUGHS) - Don't laugh,
the producer will be furious. What time's the next post?
You'll be in there till 5:30, Ronnie.
Fuck! Post me in some food and a couple of beers
and if you get a chance, pop in a doobie.
Ronnie, there are some more people coming.
Why are you talking to a post box?
Because I'm trapped in here.
The producer's gonna be furious. Um, I can see the light.
- Who are you? - He sounds like a little goblin, man.
- It's Ronnie Corbett. - Who?
Ronnie Corbett, I used to be on the telly.
What are you doing in there? Are you a paedo?
What? Ronnie Corbett's not a paedo.
Do you not know who Ronnie Corbett is, seriously?
Oh my God! He's really famous, he used to be on telly all the time.
Are you fucking up the letters?
No, I can assure you the post is intact.
We should get him some water.
- There's a geezer in there, love. - MARTIN: He-ho!
I'll use another one.
Look, if we get you out of there,
you got to put us all on telly, mate, and my cousin as well.
Well, I should get him some water.
(LAUGHING) Could have got stabbed then, Martin.
Imagine not knowing who Ronnie Corbett is.
I know. It's mad.
(PATRONS CHATTERING, INDISTINCT)
(DOOR SQUEAKING OPEN)
- Stephen? - Yes, Stephen.
Martin. Mar...
Been waving at you from the window for ages.
Were you? Sorry.
I probably looked mental.
Oh. Shall we grab a table?
- That's a nice suit. - Cheers.
I've never had a proper suit, not one where the trousers
match the jacket.
I feel a bit overdressed in here.
I don't know what I'm gonna have.
Yeah, I know, they've got everything, ain't they?
So, um, you got a girlfriend?
No, I'm really busy with work.
I'm not having much luck with women at the moment.
There you go, that's one thing we've got in common.
Well, a lot of men say that, don't they?
Suppose.
So, Mum said you wanted to do a DNA test?
What? Oh, no, she wasn't meant to tell you, Stephen.
No, no, no. Mum might have got it wrong, we need to know.
Look, if I am your dad, I want to make up
for all the things we missed out on, you know?
I mean, I never got to do all the dad stuff,
like teaching you how to ride a bike or wiping your bum.
- We should definitely do a test. - I didn't mean those things,
we'd do other things.
Look, do you know what you're having? I'm going to go and order.
I'm going to go for lasagne.
Ah, no way! I was gonna have lasagne as well.
Or maybe gammon. Gammon's good.
Okey-dokey.
I'll just...
There we go, I've got a loyalty card for this place.
Get a free side with this meal.
MORGAN FREEMAN: They have wings but they do not take to the sky.
They swim in the ocean like fish
and every single year they set out on a seemingly impossible journey.
(AS MORGAN FREEMAN) The father penguin
protects his offspring from the freezing cold blizzard,
keeping the egg warm and safe.
The father protects the offspring.
If you want to add some gravitas with a kind of timeless,
bittersweet wisdom to some footage of penguins, or anything, really,
you need an older black actor like me. Who else?
(AS JAMES EARL JONES) Me, I am looking for my son.
Have you seen my son Luke?
I am your father. Simba, I am also your father.
That was a hell of a summer.
Why are all my movies about being a father?
The harshest environment on Earth.
See? I can do the narration better than anybody.
The penguin's journey will end here.
(AS MORGAN FREEMAN) No. No, James,
it sounds slightly threatening when you do it.
You're Darth Vader,
it sounds like you want to hurt those penguins.
(AS JAMES EARL JONES) Nonsense, the emperor will be most displeased
at your insolence.
(AS MORGAN FREEMAN) No, the emperor's a type of penguin, James.
(AS JAMES EARL JONES) My favourite side of the penguin is the dark side.
(AS MORGAN FREEMAN) No, James, no one wants to hear you narrating,
especially the bit where the penguins are fucking each other.
You sound insane.
- JEAN: Martin. - Yeah?
Who are you talking to?
No one.
Well, get to bed, you've got a big DNA test tomorrow.
All right, Jean. Flipping heck,
what happened to the rule about knocking before you come down?
JEAN: Night-night.
(AS JAMES EARL JONES) Goodnight, Jean.
Shut the door.
You seen this? Wi-Fi now. Bloody tomatoes yesterday.
- Wi-Fi? - Yeah.
It might be dangerous, makes the trees go weird or something.
I sleep right next to my Wi-Fi,
I'm up pissing half the night, I used to sleep right through.
Could be giving us all cancer.
I'm building the Titanic.
Yep, tomatoes yesterday, they can kill you.
They were good for us last week. I can't take much more of this.
I'm building the Titanic.
What?
A piece a week, I'm two weeks behind,
you must have cancelled the magazine.
Oh, if it's not there, I don't know, mate.
Polar bears are on the march. They're all homeless,
no bloody ice left.
Global warming.
Right, you couldn't have a little look out the back, could you?
It's Build A Titanic Weekly.
It's just, um, I've done the whole of the keel,
I'm now on to the upper decks.
That's gonna take you ages, mate, just sack it off.
Nah, it's not a chore, I like building it.
Well, I think most people just do the first week.
That's why they give you a good bit first.
No, I'm not giving up on this.
Last year I built half a giant ant. I still think about it.
Just have a little look out the back for us, will you?
There's a meteorite up there,
no one knows what it's doing.
It might destroy everything or it could go the other way.
What's the bloody point, eh?
(AS AL PACINO) Hey! Mr Paper Man! Why don't you
have a little look out the back for Build A Titanic Weekly?
- AI Pacino. - Hoorah!
It's very good.
All right, I'll just have a look out the back.
And while you're out there,
have a little look for Build A Giant Ant magazine.
Give me some mandibles, thorax.
And maybe, just maybe,
you should stop reading all of this shit.
Mr Stubbs? Mr Stubbs? Chris?
- Yeah? - I wondered if you'd had a chance
to look into, you know, the chances of me getting a promotion?
- Oh, yeah, Mr... - Hurdle.
That's it. Look, basically,
I have to praise any worker for pro-activity,
asking for a promotion. It's an important issue for you
and I have to treat it in that way.
Basically, I have to make you feel like you've made a difference.
Yeah, well, I want to better myself, I've got a son now, probably.
That's nice. When was he born?
- 1994. - What?
Look, you're site maintenance,
you guys are the absolute life blood of any pharmaceutical company,
except for maybe the chemists.
But basically, there's nowhere to go, it's a...
Dead end?
Something of a cul-de-sac, yeah.
Look, I've got to dash, I've got another bloody lunch meeting.
Listen, I probably shouldn't tell you this
but you guys are getting new jackets pretty soon.
Gore-Tex, reflective panelling, yeah?
That's put a smile on your face, hasn't it?
- Gore-Tex. - Keep it under your hat.
Oh, do something about the graffiti, Mr Harden.
It looks fucking awful.
- Hurdle. - Yeah, good man.
(AS MR STUBBS) Hello, everybody. Chris Stubbs here from HR.
Just a small announcement, so shut up and listen.
Basically, I'm a freak.
I will literally try anything sexual because I can.
At the weekends, I, uh, dress up as a naughty little cheerleader
and I love it.
I'm Chris fucking Stubbs.
Now get back to work, you donkeys.
You work for me, basically.
(PEOPLE CHATTING EXCITEDLY)
Mr Hurdle? Mr Coombs?
- Yes. - Yup.
(MUFFLED) If I'm not your dad, we could still be friends.
Yeah.
Right. Five days, then.
- Yeah. - Martin!
Hiya!
I was just walking up this road.
I thought we were gonna meet on the High Street?
I just fancied a walk.
Stephen, this is my mate Jean.
- Hello, Stephen. - Jean.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh!
So, how did it go, then, the old test? Did you fill the pot?
Yeah.
It was a cheek swab, Jean.
It was very quick.
Well, we're going for a drink, Stephen, do you want to come with us?
Uh, I think I'm going to have to get back to the office.
It all falls apart if I'm not there. Uh...
Maybe next week, though, maybe.
Yeah, it makes sense, doesn't it? When you've got the result.
Right, Stephen, uh, I'll speak to you soon, then.
Yup. Cheers, Martin, uh, speak soon.
Ah, he's dead cute.
Come on.
JEAN: What's wrong?
MARTIN: Nothing. I just thought we were gonna meet on the High Street.
- Oh, did I embarrass you? - No, no.
He is tall, isn't he?
Yeah. Ah, I hope he's yours.
I bet he's not, though, what do you think?
We've just got to wait for the results, haven't we?
Yeah. Here you are, what about this place?
Nah, I'm Irish in there.
You what?
I just went in there once and started being Irish.
- Irish? - Yeah.
Used to work with this Michael bloke, he had a great voice.
Anyway, I went in there and the landlord started talking to me
and Michael's voice just popped out.
How often do you go in there and pretend to be Irish?
Tuesday night's quiz night and sometimes Friday.
(IRISH ACCENT) It's a great crack in there, so it is.
That's a bit fucking weird, Martin.
Yeah.
Quiz night?
(AS VINCE VAUGHN) If I didn't know who my dad was
and it turned out to be this guy, I would be disappointed.
(AS OWEN WILSON) Well, he does have a pretty crappy car.
(AS VINCE VAUGHN) Really? And he spends all day picking up trash.
Is that good?
(AS OWEN WILSON) Well, no, but, you know, someone's got to do it
and one man's trash is another man's treasure.
(AS VINCE VAUGHN) Really? Is that how you're gonna go?
(AS OWEN WILSON) God, there's no need to be such a dick.
(AS VINCE VAUGHN) Really? And you're making me out to be the bad guy?
Come on.
MR STUBBS: Oh, I don't know. I don't know!
I am not being paranoid, Rebecca. Something's going on, definitely.
Why would they want to know our measurement?
It's got to be for like new jackets and shit.
Probably.
Well, how long you had yours for?
- Seven years. - Yeah, so that's got to be it.
Hang on, you've been here seven years?
- Yep. - Shit, man.
If I'm still here in seven years, someone better put me out of my misery.
(SIGHS)
MARTIN: (AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH) Our planet is the only planet
in our solar system to sustain life
and it does so in abundance.
Look at what mankind has built itself,
its big glittery ball of nonsense, its towers and offices,
full of people working all hours for other people
that neither notice them nor give a shit.
Clicking away on mouses that aren't even mouses
or painting neverending walls.
And it goes on and on,
life spawning new life.
New people
in their little cars, driving away.
Stephen? Hello.
It's your dad.