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The Spa s01x01 ~ High Anxiety ~
I am so sorry. I don't know how this could have happened.
Come in!
- You wanted to see me, Alison? - Yes. Sit down, Sally.
The new member wellbeing assessment letters you sent out last week…
- Oh, yes! Did they all go out OK? - They all went out.
It is certainly not OK.
I have never been so insulted in all my life!
"After studying all the information, we have classed your physical rating as C3.
Please see table below".
And we go to the table below, and next to C3 are the words,
"You are clinically a beast".
- Yes. - This is unbelievable!
What do you mean "yes"?
You were out of the office and I rang you to say,
- "Mrs Wilde's rating… - Ms Wilde!
"Ms Wilde's rating went off the scale.
"What should I class her as?" And you said, "Clinically, a beast".
"Obese". Not "a beast".
I wouldn't tell you to grade someone as a beast.
Well, I did think it was odd at the time…
but I could have sworn you said, "a beast".
Obese! Obese!
-The woman is obese! -All right! Thank you!
Dear God in heaven! Ms Wilde, I'm sorry. I can only apologise for this oversight.
And what about my name, at the beginning of the letter?
How do you explain that?
"Dear Big Eater". Sally, is this some kind of joke?
No. When I filled out Mrs Wilde's form for her…
Ms Wilde!
When I filled out the form, that's what she said her name was.
- My first name is Bergita! - Sally, you can't ex…
- I beg your pardon… - Bergita!
My Christian name is Bergita!
- Spell it for me. - B-E-R-G-I-T-A.
- Now say it. - Bergita.
No, I'm sorry. That does sound like you're saying "Big Eater".
That's it. I've had enough.
You're not getting away with this. I'm taking it to the top!
All right, her name did sound like "Big Eater",
but, Sally… "A beast"!?
OK, now, step it up, ladies!
And gents… Apologies, Maurice.
Come on! Let's see those legs working!
Marcus! A word, please.
OK, guys. Go from the top again.
Alison.
Marcus, as I've mentioned to you before, all discarded towels…
left on hangers at the end of each class, must be removed before the…
next session and placed directly in the Ali Baba basket, to ensure…
a swift and efficient turnaround on all laundry facilities.
OK, come on, guys! Don't break it up! Just freestyle it, yeah?
Well done, Mrs Kiswani. You're doing really well.
Can we talk about this another time, Alison? I'm in the middle of a class.
It's not shifting, is it, Marcus?
I'm sorry?
The weight. It's not shifting.
You know full well, the accident I sustained at work was partly…
responsible for triggering my thyroid.
Partly responsible.
The bit of excess weight I'm temporarily carrying does not…
impede my ability to teach.
Does the extra weight you're carrying stop you from competently managing this place?
Or is that just purely a coincidence?
I am Leighton Buzzard Slimmer of the Decade.
Of the decade!
My very, VERY belated congratulations.
- Now, is there anything else? - Yeah. Paul Tinson's off all this week.
I need you to cover his step class.
Good luck with that.
Oh, shit! Maurice, can you turn the music off?
OK… OK, come on.
Let's get her up. Here we go. Five, six, seven, eight!
Oh!
Hello.
- Hi, Ally. Oh… It's only me. - Jenny?
Yeah, sorry, babes. It's another new number.
Bit of a heavy night last night. I lost my phone.
- Mrs Crabb! Have you got a moment? - Not right now, Rose.
- Another one? - I know. It's such a pain.
I got absolutely hammered and I was sick on my phone…
when I was trying to call a cab. It just stopped working.
- Nice. - I know.
I can't even claim on the insurance.
I'm pretty sure vomit counts as water damage.
It did the last time I broke a phone like that.
Jenny, listen, can I call you later? It's quite a busy day.
No, no, no. It's just a quick one, babes.
Are you still gonna do that corporate video for the club?
No. I think we're going to have to get rid of the overweight…
wheelchair-bound aerobics instructor before we can show…
- …the spa in its best possible light. - Because…
Have you met Seth from the farm opposite?
No.
Well, apparently, he made Winston Churchill's wedding video.
Except it wasn't video then, obviously, it was film.
- It's about Friday. - Rose, do you mind? I'm actually on a call.
He says he's more than happy to have a crack at your video.
- No, Jenny, we're not doing a video now! - Gotta go, babes!
I'll bring a bottle of rose we can have in the office.
Jenny, no! Can you hear me? I said no!
Sally.
What are you doing?
- Nothing. - Yeah, I can see that.
Well, could you do something, please?
- What do you want me to do? - Use your initiative.
Christ on a bike.
Sally!
Just hang on a sec…
Delete, delete, delete, delete…
There!
Oh! Sorry about that.
- Where's Eric? - Odd Job Eric?
No. Eric The Viking.
Eric The Viking?
Oh, forget it. Why do I bother?
Hello, Mrs Crabb! Can I get you a cup of tea? I've just fed a brew.
Eric, we had an appointment at two o'clock.
Ah! No!
You can't get me on that one, Mrs Crabb.
I quite categorically remember you saying, "Wednesday".
I know because I wrote it down when you said it!
Oh, shite. It's Wednesday today, isn't it?
Eric, sit down.
I'll be in your office in two shakes of duck's tail.
- Eric, just sit down. - No, no, no! It's no problem at all.
Sit down!
Yes, Mrs Crabb.
Do you know why I asked to see you?
Not really.
- It's the shorts, Eric. - The shorts?
We've had more complaints.
- About what? These shorts? - Yes, Eric! Those shorts.
- Please sit down. - What's wrong?
They're good shorts, these. I've not had them long.
Eric, sit down!
- The shorts are too tight. - No, they're fine.
- 36 waist, what I always get. - The shorts are too tight around…
- …the front. - Oh! I see.
Well, the thing is, I'm quite well endowed…
and it's a bit tricky to find a pair of shorts that…
Eric, we don't need any explanation.
All we need is for you to buy a looser-fitting pair of shorts.
The thing is, I liked to keep well tucked-in, you see.
I mean, any looser, it's liable to fall out.
I mean, my tackle comes down to at least here.
Eric, sit down!
My father was the same. That's why they called him Moby, after Moby…
Yes, we get the picture!
Now, either you provide your own shorts,
which are more…
appropriate, or we will provide a pair for you.
- Is that everything? - Yes, that's everything.
I'll go first!
- Can I have a word? - Not now, Rose.
I just need some time off on Friday.
I said not now.
How's it going, Rose?
- Not too good. - You'll not believe this.
I've just been chastised by a woman for having a big knob.
What's the world coming to? Cos I don't know.
Come on!
Arms stretched right out!
And no wincing! Pain does not exist in this health club!
No, Vron!
Fear does not exist in this health club!
No, Vron!
Defeat does not exist in this health club!
No, Vron!
Sorry, excuse me. Hi, um… I think I'm in wrong group.
I put my name down for T'ai Chi…
Shut up and get back in line!
It's quite dark in here!
I can't see anything! I haven't got my torch!
The problem is, it's such a small hole…
I can't even get one finger in it.
I think we're looking at a build up of dust…
from all those years of you not using it.
Shall I come back?
It can't be that tight. I know I don't really use it…
but I've definitely shoved things in there this year.
I'm sorry, Mrs Crabb. I'm afraid it's stuck.
Well, I can't have it sticking out like that, I can't get in and out.
Hang on a second, I've got an idea.
All right, leave it, you're gonna break it.
Just one more go.
Oh! I think I felt it move that time.
I tell you what, if you just… hang on t'top of the desk.
You know, brace it, while I give it one last go.
For goodness sake.
There you go, tickety-boo.
Sorry, Alison, but I need you to sign…
Need me to sign what?
- Eric! - Yep.
- All done, Mrs Crabb. - Eric!
Ah, you're right. I did have me torch all along.
- Well, no problem. All sorted. - Your shorts!
Ah!
The beast has escaped its shackles.
Well, I did warn you about loose-fitting shorts, didn't I, eh?
No harm done.
Right, I've got to get off, there's some…
flashing needs touching up on t'roof.
Hey, hey, it's Wonder Woman.
Eric. How's the pain?
Do you know, I'm absolutely pain free.
- That's wonderful. - Oh, yeah.
The session yesterday with that Gok Wan on me back…
has totally straightened me out.
Luoci.
- Sorry? - The method of cupping I used…
- …it's called luoci. - Oh, yeah, well…
whatever it's called, it's done the trick.
I showed Mrs Eric the pictures of me…
with those jam jars stuck to me back and, by God, did she laugh!
That's not easy for a woman with clinical depression.
I didn't know your wife suffered from depression.
Oh, yeah.
Postnatal.
She has postnatal depression?
- When did she have her last baby? - 1971.
But she's never quite snapped out of it, you know what I mean?
Right, that's me.
Sitting here isn't gonna get baby washed, is it, eh?
Oh, it's a baby, is it?
- I've often wondered. - Right, I'll see you later.
Bye, Eric.
God, he gives me the creeps.
- Eric? Why? - Why?
Why do you think? His leering looks and his sex-pest shorts.
What in the name of God are you eating?
Scrambled tofu and spinach.
- All right, ladies? - Hi.
Oh.
You sniffing round that now, are you?
- Sniffing round what? - Meals on wheels.
Marcus.
Vron, that is out of order.
I don't think you should really be describing
someone in a wheelchair as "out of order. "
- It's kind of disrespectful. - How can you make a joke about…
…something like that? It's in such incredibly bad taste.
I've got bad taste?
You're the one who fancies a fat bloke in a wheelchair.
That is so unkind.
He can't help his weight gain. It's his thyroid.
Yeah, do you know where the word thyroid comes from?
It's a Greek word meaning,
"To sit on one's arse eating cakes all day. "
There are worse things in life than being overweight, you know?
How about being unsympathetic…
…vicious, hurtful and bad mannered!
Chill out, Davina, it was a joke. It was just a joke.
Come to The Spa, the only health club where you can lunch
every day with neurotic fat people.
All right?
Come on, Seth Spielberg, in you get.
Just think… you could do an Alfred Hitchcock
and make an appearance yourself as a dumbbell.
Come on, come on, get a move on, I'm parched.
I'm sorry to interrupt but…
Sally, what have I told you? You don't just burst in here,
you buzz through on the intercom to see if I'm available.
I'm sorry, Mrs Crabb, but it's Rose - she's on the roof.
What?
- What do you mean? - The top part of the building.
- No, I mean what's she doing there? - I don't know.
Eric's up there trying to talk her down.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Now, come on, Rose, don't be silly.
I got nothing to live for.
They've got jam roly-poly on the menu today.
Right, first things first, nobody call the fire brigade.
Last thing we need is this turning into a major incident.
There's a pensioner standing on the roof about to throw herself off.
Yeah, exactly, let's not make a mountain out of a molehill.
Rose, just hang on a minute, just wait a minute, Rose.
Think about what you're doing.
Marion, her next door neighbour, died on Monday.
She were her best friend.
Rose, things are never as bad as you think.
Look, you know the Christmas raffle?
Well, I haven't mentioned this but the second prize went unclaimed.
That's Ј100 of London Theatre vouchers.
I hear Shrek is very good.
She can't even go t'funeral cos it's on Friday
and you wouldn't let her have time off.
Oh, Rose, don't worry about a thing like that.
We can always come to some arrangement.
Was it this Friday?
Yeah.
Actually, we have got quite a big board meeting this Friday.
Could you stay late Thursday night?
Alison, I think I can help.
Davina, I appreciate your support
but what experience have you got in cleaning?
No, I mean I've been training to join the Samaritans.
I think I could talk her down.
Is this a bad time, babes?
Oh, for God's sake.
Go on, Davina, she might listen to you.
Rose?
I know things seem bad right now but just think about what you're doing.
You've your whole life ahead of you.
She's 76.
I understand you're missing your friend.
I understand you're feeling lonely.
But what about those people you'd be leaving behind?
What about your children?
I don't think she's got any.
All right then, your childrens' children.
Rose…
I've suffered from depression.
I know what you're going through…
the agonising torture of one meaningless day after another.
I know what it's like to wake up every day
feeling your pathetic excuse of a life is utterly, utterly worthless.
That each day simply isn't worth living.
Because no matter what anybody says,
deep down you know that nobody really cares about you.
Sure, people humour you
but the truth is everyone's laughing behind your back.
Whispering about you.
The paranoia eating away at your brain
like maggots on a rotting corpse.
Have you quite finished?
I didn't plan this.
I got a nice meat pie in for tonight.
I talk to people here and…
it's like I'm a ghost.
They just… don't see me.
I got nobody at home now.
But I had Marion.
Next door.
I'd take her anything out me fridge that was going off.
Ask her if she'd like to have it for her tea.
We didn't have sell by dates in our day.
We was thankful for what we got.
Then we'd have another chat.
Not very long.
Another ten minutes about the…
telly.
Or the news.
Even the weather.
And then I'd go home.
And it was just…
that 20 minutes a day…
20 minutes of…
human contact.
Another person…
validating your existence…
by asking you if you'd watched Coronation Street.
How did she die?
Complications from salmonella poisoning.
Something she's eaten apparently.
- I think he's getting through to her. - This is ridiculous.
Right, here's what we do.
99% of all attempted suicides are just a cry for help.
They don't really wanna die.
Rose has made her point.
She knows we care, she knows we're all here for her.
Now, we'll just slowly go back inside
and wait for her to come down.
We're just making her nervous standing here gawping at her like this.
I'm sorry, Alison, I don't agree.
I wasn't putting it to a vote. I know what I'm talking about.
Right, after three, we'll all just gonna slowly walk back inside.
I personally guarantee this is the only way to resolve this
situation without a loss of life.
OK? Ready?
One…
two…
three.
Leave her.
- Oi, what you doing? - I'm turning it off.
Leave it. Come back out later.
Noooooooooo!
She's back, she's only back!
Wahey!
The fact is, she's a lovely old lady but we need to get rid of her.
Sorry about that.
- Alison! - Yes! Yes.
- Thank you, Jeffrey. - Jason.
Very small print on here.
It's quite difficult to read. But…
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