MARTY: Previously, on House of Lies...
Hi. Hi! Hi.
You know, you got your cute little vegan chef.
Come on, this isn't you, Monica.
Me? My name is Julianne Hofschraeger,
and I am the interim CEO.
You think your house is a better place for me to be,
but you keep not showing up for me, Dad.
Not-not showing up? What am I supposed to do?
Are we not sitting here right now?
A lot of weird stuff happened that night.
I blacked out, so...
(grunts) (retches)
Did we...?
I don't remember, either.
(elevator bell dings)
Fucking animals. You don't want to run to him?
You don't want to give a quick run?
MARTY: Okay, Roscoe, it'll be great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Marty, Marty.
Yeah. I'll see you later, buddy.
All right, bye-bye. Look, Marty.
He's coming and we're nowhere.
Doug, will you just take a breath?
Okay? Clear out a conference room
and start chunking out some shit.
We'll call it a work session.
Listen to yourself.
Clean out-- We don't have a clean conference room?
This is the worst day of my life.
Douglas, shut the fuck up, okay?
It's Matt Damon.
He's used to living in a yurt
with uncircumcised refugees.
I'm sure a couple pieces of paper are fine.
I just... I want it to be perfect.
You know? I-I...
Why didn't he give us some more notice?
I could've made some sexy regression models,
could've gotten permission from Admin to
get that deluxe bagel and lox spread
we sometimes get; he would've loved that.
Shit. This just occurred to me.
We could've gotten treats from
Sweet Lady Jane. "Treats."
Could've been special.
Now it's not, it's ruined.
The whole thing's ruined.
CLYDE: Probably just wants to hire us
to pimp out his new charity, right?
Chances are, he's meeting with every consultancy in town.
So this is what we're gonna do.
And tell me if I am correct.
We're gonna let him do the talking.
That's correct. Then we're gonna flatter
the fuck out of him. Also correct.
Because he is an actor.
He just wants to be loved.
That's the most correct. Mm.
(huffs) No.
All right? You know why?
Because he's not like that.
He's unique.
(music plays, game chimes)
(groans)
Om Nom, you little bitch.
Wow, you really are a go-getter.
I am.
Aren't I?
Yeah.
You okay?
I'm good, I guess.
Well, you look good, there's that.
Thank you, Marty.
Hey, you haven't, um...
had any more flashbacks, or...
Oh. ...memories?
Nope.
The well is dry. Whew.
Good.
Yeah. No, it is, it's good.
Yeah.
I mean, me, too.
Not-not a one.
Nothing. Okay.
Well, look, uh...
we got about 20 minutes before Damon shows up,
so let's get it together. Who?
Matt Damon.
Ma... what are you talking about?
You haven't heard about this?
No. (chuckles)
His business manager's a friend of Julianne's.
He's... on his way over here.
Wha...? Wants to explore
looking into starting a foundation,
probably he wants a brain dump,
20-minute blue sky.
He's probably meeting all over town.
Okay.
You okay?
Yeah. You need to stop by the salon?
No, I'm good.
Three, two, one.
Oh, shit.
Doug the Gugg is at a loss.
Doug the Gugg is at a loss. And that does not
you can't do a statistical model You can't
in half an hour, it's not possible.
One can't!
One cannot! He's gonna explode.
There are too many variables.
What kind of, uh, charity
does he even want to start?
Did he ever say? Nope, not to me.
Is it a-- what are you doing?--
a grant model? An awareness model?
Or is it, like, uh, designed for longevity,
or a single iteration
with a defined endgame scenario?
Oh, what the... Goddamn it! Hey, Doug, you forgot
to actually shit yourself.
Marty. Hey, buddy. Ooh, hey.
So, um...
I know that I don't need to tell you
how much it would mean if you could bring Mr. Mattie D...
(both laugh)
...onto the Galweather team.
Yeah. Oh!
I don't know, seems like kind of a brain drain.
I mean, look, an actor and his cause?
I don't see a lot of possibilities
for monetization in that. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. True enough.
But it would be major
Wall Street Journal porn.
Wow.
Great publicity. (chuckles)
That's your porn face?
(laughs) Hot.
Ah! Wow. (laughing)
Shake that off.
...e-mail you all the information about
the solar panels. I mean, you'd be amazed.
I mean, unless I'm just an idiot,
which is totally possible. (laughs): No.
Oh, my God, I'm sure you're not.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
It's not a big deal. No, it's such
Thank you so, so much. Zanna.
Zanna. Zanna.
We're gonna start the...
Oh. Nice to meet you.
Clyde Oberholt. Hi. Matt.
How are you? Doug Guggenheim.
Hi, Doug. Matt. I know who you are.
Very nice to meet you. Jeannie Van Der Hooven, hi.
Hi, Jeannie. Matt. Hi.
MATT: Nice to meet you. So this is it, huh?
This is the... the Galweather Stearn
sanctum sanctorum, huh?
You have to go through two more sanctums
to get to the sanctorum. (laughs)
Right. Right?
Uh, well, you guys know why I'm here, right? Yeah.
I, uh, do a lot of philanthropic work
and was looking at starting something new and, uh,
given your, uh, your reputation and your...
your ability to identify symbiotic partnerships,
I just kind of figured if we
kind of got together, maybe we could just
turbo-charge this whole thing, and...
we could really do a lot of good.
(laughs) I think that's really wonderful.
No, it's nothing, really.
It's like... look, if I can't take this
little bit of, you know...
you know, whatever, stardust,
and-and, uh, and make something real out of it,
then... I mean, what the hell am I doing?
Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah? MARTY: Yeah.
But anyway, sorry to ambush you guys,
but I... but I did want to know
where you are, and what you're thinking.
Uh, Doug, you want to take it?
I don't need much notice, uh, Mr. Damon.
Believe me, you're dealing with one of the masters
of the, uh... well, art form
really, if you think about it,
in statistical modeling.
Cool.
DOUG: Yeah. Nothing I can't...
handle.
So why don't you do something? Right!
Okay. Yeah. Nothing to it, it's easy.
Okay. For him to take us, so...
(clears throat)
(whispering): It's at your desk.
Great.
Here we go.
Epidemics.
Natural disasters.
War. All right? Takes a very big toll,
both spiritually and emotionally, on the children
in those affected areas.
Now, the issues facing children in developing nations
present a unique and complicated
problem set.
As you're no doubt aware from
your involvement in water.org,
current levels of funding,
while a remarkable accomplishment...
(quietly): I like your watch, man.
Oh. You think you could hook me up with one of those?
Uh, yeah, sure.
I'm, like, a swag whore. (chuckles)
Fucking love free shit, man.
Love free shit, right? Love it. Yeah.
DOUG: An estimated 20 million are displaced
by war, or human rights violations...
(whispers): Please tell me you hit that.
Please.
You know, I...
I actually don't know.
Really? Yeah. It's a long story.
That's a good story.
Yeah, it is a good story.
(laughs) You're the big dog around here, right?
Well, I guess so, yeah.
Okay. 'Cause this dude's freaking me the fuck out.
He freaks everybody out.
Okay. Look, you know what I need, right?
I mean, I just basically need a cause
that's about the size of Clooney's cause,
only with bigger tits.
Huh. I mean...
that guy, he puts on a Hawaiian shirt,
and they hand him a fucking Oscar. Right?
I mean, 'cause everybody thinks he's so deep, you know?
'Cause they see him on TV, going like, "Grr. Darfur bad."
Yeah.
Fuck him.
I want to be on that podium next year,
pissing down all over his face.
DOUG: ...an estimated $2 billion...
You feel me?
Yeah.
Do you feel me, my strong, proud, black brother?
No, I-I do, I feel you.
DOUG: ...and fighting HIV/AIDS,
micronutrient supplements...
So it's really a, uh...
DOUG: It's a complex paradigm.
It's like...
Well, poetry? Poetry, yeah.
Yeah, thank you. I agree, actually.
There is kind of a poetry
to the way the numbers line up to the...
the survey stats.
Um... (clears throat)
Art thou, uh, intrigued?
Uh, yes, I am.
Yeah, keep going, Doug.
You're doing great.
Just... carry on.
With pleasure. Yeah.
Uh, well, let's really dig in, then.
Shall we? Sure.
Yeah. (clears throat)
(quietly): So, look.
This whole water.org thing, it's fine.
But, I mean, let's face it,
water is about as unsexy as this guy.
Yeah.
I mean, how many times can I go on TV
and say, "Every 20 seconds,
"a child dies 'cause they lack access God, yeah.
to clean water and sanitation"? Clean water
Right. But nobody ever gives a fuck,
because they're mostly African.
I mean, no offense.
No, that's fine. I just got to take it
to a different level, like another place.
I see myself, like, with a beard, you know?
And, uh, like-like, maybe an M-16.
And I'm just fucking, like... I gotta go native, man.
Like, sweat fucking stains just fucking...
boom.
You're talk--
kind of like Special Forces in Afghanistan.
That's what I'm talking about. Exactly. Exactly. Oh. Yeah.
Exactly. You know that's not a charity.
I... Per se.
What the fuck do you think I'm doing here, man?
Absolutely. That's why I need some help.
I'm just giving you images.
It's a landscape we're talking about.
It's a landscape, right. Yeah.
We gotta go out, man.
You and me. We gotta go out.
Fucking we would tear this shit up.
(laughs) I can tell
just from your story with her.
This shit would be fucking great.
No, we could rage for sure. Yeah.
Yeah, we could get weird. Okay.
Let's do it tonight.
I got nothing else going on. Oh, no, tonight is...
It's gotta be tonight, 'cause I got another thing.
I see what the whole countervailing...
Yeah, the coupling with the, uh,
the positive perceptual attributes, and...
Brilliant.
...the Damon brand-scape is born.
Bourne.
Ah! Like the film franchise, the film franchise
The Bourne Identity. Yeah, I know, I got it.
We all got the reference. Good.
MATT: Thank you. Oh.
Thank you so much.
I'm really impressed at how-how much you guys
have done in so little time,
and I just need some time to think about it, meditate,
and, uh... Smart.
and I'll get back to you. Okay?
Right. Tonight.
Yeah, Matt. Uh, tonight, I...
See you soon.
And if you don't mind, if I...
Lost him.
What was he saying to you?
I don't know.
He seemed like he was into it. He did?
Yeah, of course he did.
Yeah, we're gonna go out tonight, chop it up.
DOUG: All right. This is kind of like
a club scene, or more like a fancy dinner?
You're not going.
Doug, of course you're not going, you fucking idiot.
(laughs) And neither is the other idiot invited.
I probably won't be able to make it tonight either, I guess.
Are you free? I am, yeah.
You want to come? Yeah.
Tough shit.
I'll be on standby.
JEANNIE: Hey.
Mini-Marty, how you doing?
Hey, Jeannie.
Cute kicks. Janowskis?
Yeah, what else?
What grown-up girl knows Janowskis are Janowskis?
(sighs) Can you keep a secret?
Probably shouldn't be telling you this.
I am so not a grown-up.
What's that? Nothing.
What's up, buddy?
Hey, Dad.
Uh...
Listen, about tonight, I...
Yeah, I was hoping you could take maybe
me and Dylan to the batting cages?
The batting cages?
You and Dylan-- who's Dylan?
He's my homeboy, kind of.
He's epically badass.
And he's really into the batting cages, so I kind of promised
him you'd take us.
Uh, Jeannie?
She's pretty cool, yeah?
Totally. Yeah.
You know, she's crazy about baseball.
I don't know if you knew that.
You know, I just had a thought.
What if Jeannie took you and Dylan to the batting cages?
Shut up. I'm just saying, what if?
Yeah.
You want me to try to hook that up? Yeah.
(chuckles): Okay, cool.
I boned your mentor, but, I mean,
you're demoting me to babysitter?
I'm not demoting you to shit. Fuck you, Marty.
Listen, Jeannie, I had something planned
with him, okay, it's a part of the Damon account.
Now I got to go and hang out with Matt fucking Damon
to have a boys' night out
to seal the deal. Oh, you got to hang out?
Matt Damon does not have boys' nights out, Marty.
You have no idea what kind of a...
No, thank you.
Busy, bye-bye.
500 bucks. No.
Oh, my God, 500... fuck you yet again.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, princess, two grand.
I... will do it. Oh!
But it has nothing to do with the money, Marty. Oh, that's so sweet.
It has to do with the fact that we need to close the business.
Okay? I love that you have so much integrity.
Yeah. You're a team player.
Yeah, I am.
Thank you, Jeannie. You're welcome.
Cash?
Don't push it.
(low moaning)
(loud moaning)
Ah!
(panting)
Baby?
Hmm, what?
Did you like that?
Mm, are you kidding me? Yes.
Screaming like a freak, wasn't I?
And then I got sleepy, so just shh
for just a little while, okay?
I'm just gonna take a nap.
Mm.
What's going on?
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
You get what I'm asking though,
right?
Mm... mm-mm? No.
We're in something here, but you're, like...
not a lesbian.
Tess...
Don't be such a pussy.
(laughs)
I'm serious.
See? (moans)
You're like a guy.
Mm-hmm.
And you are not like a butch girl.
What do you want me to be?
You want me to be your humorless lesbian wife?
I just want to take a little nap.
Just a really short nap.
Okay?
A couple minutes or something.
Is Monica sleepy?
Monica's trying to be sleepy but, um...
Monica's getting less sleepy.
How about "hot hookup"
instead of "humorless wife"?
I think I could go for that. Yeah?
(chuckles)
Yes. (laughs)
ROSCOE: Dylan's our star pitcher and he also plays shortstop.
Wait till you see, Jeannie.
He's, like, amazing at baseball.
Come on, guys.
So what are your turn-ons and turn-offs?
(chuckles): Excuse me?
Turn-ons: long walks on the beach, crunk hip-hop beats,
The Great Gatsby.
Turn-offs:
back hair, mullets,
running out of margarita mix. (laughs)
Did you memorize that?
Miss July.
Mm. In case I ever
run into her. Yeah, uh...
I liked The Great Gatsby.
Are we gonna bat or what?
My lady. (chuckles)
Check it out, Dylan.
I made contact.
Uh-huh.
Dylan.
Forgive me.
But it's like spun gold. (chuckles)
You... are really something.
You know, Jeannie, it's your turn to bat.
Okay, well, wish me luck.
I have not picked up a bat in years.
DYLAN: You know the drill.
Just breathe.
Breathe, Jeannie.
How's this look, Roscoe, good?
You look great.
Hey, focus, Jeannie.
Don't worry about him, all right?
I can feel your heartbeat in your beautiful chest.
Okay.
And I can feel your boner against my ass.
So, I'm gonna need you to back off, okay?
Uh-huh.
♪ It's strange and it's familiar ♪
♪ All my friends who've come before ♪
♪ Say won't you let me in ♪
That one's for you, Janowski.
♪ And the siren in my heart
♪ Is calling hallelujah
♪ For the spirits are not gone... ♪
(yells)
Shit!
(laughter)
That was awesome, man.
I fucked you up, man.
You got me good on that one. Aw, man.
You didn't see that coming. No, you bopped me.
Hey, where's the spinner?
Huh? Hey, girl, how you doing?
What, Jeannie?
Yeah, yeah. (whistles)
Yeah, uh, I thought you wanted me to come alone.
Oh, all right, well, did you figure it out yet?
Uh, we're working on it.
Uh, I got a team... What's up, Matt Damon?
Yeah, how you doing? Good game last night.
Gonna be chunking out some potential narrative scenarios,
and then doing a side-by-side analytical model.
But I got you. Wow, yeah, okay.
Or I could just fire your ass, that shit could happen, too.
(chuckles) Yeah, I guess it could. Hey, look,
I'm not starting a charity for management consultants, dawg.
Okay. (laughs)
WOMAN: Look, it's Matt Damon.
WOMAN 2: That's him.
WOMAN 3: I love you, Matt!
How do you, uh...
Thank you. What?
Nothing, forget it.
People see the me they want to see.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
See that girl? Uh...
Oh, yeah. You know who that is, right?
Victoria Secret model.
Yes, yes. (laughs): Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, look.
(whispering)
Thanks, Jeannie. It was a lot of fun.
You know, you're way cooler than your dad.
Well, duh.
You had quite a few nice base hits in there tonight.
Baseball's not really my thing.
No?
But... Dylan really liked you, huh?
I guess.
Think he thought I was cool, too?
Having been around a decent number of guys, I can tell you
with confidence that your friend Dylan is a douche bag.
And you, you're, like, the best.
And he should be so lucky as to have you
as a friend or whatever.
Aw.
Thanks, Jeannie. I had a really good time.
Thanks for the date, buddy.
Really? I got to do this to keep your business?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
You can do it, man.
All right.
Excuse me, ladies.
Sorry, excuse me.
WOMAN: Is that Matt Damon?
Uh...
♪
(speaking low, indistinctly)
(laughs)
He's trying to get us to make out.
Get him the fuck out of here.
Please, my man, let me explain. Don't... Wait a minute!
Jesus Christ-- Matt Damon, It was his idea!
Right here. Matt Damon.
No, no, no, no, no, I told him to do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's cool, he's cool.
♪
(cheering)
WOMAN: Matt Damon!
MAN: Damon!
(shouts and cheers)
Oh!
All right.
What's next?
So I look out,
and like, all of Tokyo has their cell phones out.
They just couldn't believe it was really me.
Amazing.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, come on.
Are you still upset about the thing with the bouncer?
You told a gigantic man to punch me
in the face. No, I told him to do it, but then he did.
Yeah, I know. I was right there for it.
That's amazing.
Come on, it's not my fault
he was suggestible. Not cool.
Oh, come on, Marty. Fuck you.
Is little Marty jealous of little Matty?
Come on, let's be honest. You know what, I'm gonna tell you.
You are the most arrogant
hypocritical bullshit artist I've ever encountered, okay?
And I deal in wholesale quantities of bullshit
on a daily basis.
Your pile of-of-of-of qu-quivering need
and insecurity is only slightly outpaced
by your in-fucking-sanely over-bloated ego.
It's unbelievable.
Hey, I'm sorry.
Spaced out for a second.
What did you say? Bye, Matt.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you guys are leaving? Yeah.
Hold-hold on, hold on.
You got that, right?
Yeah.
JEANNIE: Roscoe.
Oh, yeah, he texted me.
He had a great time. Thank you again.
How did you do it?
How did I do what? Well, he's not...
like you or me.
He's open and loving
and kind. (grunts)
He's amazing. He is.
I have no idea.
Look, any-any good parenting that I did with him,
he showed me how to do it.
Marty, where's, um, where's Matt...
uh, where's Matt Damon?
(exhales)
Did you offend him
in some way? Ha.
Marty, he seems like a super sensitive guy.
You got to tread lightly. Very sensitive.
He's almost, in my opinion, too beautiful for this world.
Can I... Can I just tell you guys something?
He cannot be offended, okay?
He only offends. Don't...
Please don't say that you... please.
What? I may have,
you know, told him off a little bit.
What?! How, Marty?
Is that what happened to your lip?
Oh, Jesus, great. You know we need to land this whale, right?
Do you remember what the scary Nazi lady was saying?
Unbelievable.
Can I tell you something?
Matt Damon is small potatoes. Fuck him.
This is about the announcement,
Marty, in the Journal
for Galweather.
It's gonna make Galweather seem...
Relevant! Relevant.
It's relevant, relevant. Yes.
Or something.
If the asshole shows up,
I will close him, but he is a psycho.
He is not, okay? No, he's not.
He's Jesus meets Gandhi.
Yeah, meets, uh, meets the Jonas Brothers.
Yes. MARTY: He's fucking Satan.
I mean, she's been on the list for two years,
but she keeps getting bumped,
and without a kidney, I think... (crying)
No, it's not fair.
It's not fair, no. It's not fair.
I just have to get her moved up on the list, that's it.
What? I need to do that.
The chief surgical administrator,
I'm on three boards with the guy; he's my buddy.
He owes me. I'll just get... Don't cry. (whimpering)
Oh, my God. Let's just... let's just get your...
get your mother a kidney. Oh, don't.
She needs it.
(crying) Thank you.
Sorry, Marty. It's fine.
Thank you, Matt Damon. You're just a good spirit.
Thank you.
I love...
real people.
Yeah.
Absolutely. (exhales)
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, not a big deal at all.
Don't you dare apologize. You just saved a life,
Matthew. My God.
Just what I do.
(splashing) Oh, shit.
Whoa, whoa.
Are... are you high right now?
How many Vicodin are in an overdose?
Okay, okay, uh,
I need the room.
What are you talking about? Hmm?
I need you guys to clear the room. Right now?
Marty, we're was supposed to... Yeah, Jeannie, do it. Good-bye.
Bye, Jeannie. Get out.
Go. DOUG: But Matt Damon.
Later, we'll talk about it.
Move out, move off, move off.
Go, go away.
What the fuck are you doing? The shutter
on this thing is like... (imitates explosion)
Damon, you're standing in a window.
Fuck, man, what?
What is...
What are you talking about?
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong? Nothing's wrong with me.
What the fuck are you doing down there?
Come down.
I'm not even...
I don't have a bathing suit.
You're not in water. Now step down.
Oh, man.
Fucking wrong with you, man?
A lot, but I didn't take...
How many Vicodin?
I do not know, sir.
Come over here, let's sit down.
Jesus.
(pouring) You come in here in this condition.
Here, drink some water.
Hey.
Matt?
(clapping) Matt Damon.
(snoring)
Hey, asshole. (groans)
Call you back.
You with me? Okay,
are we gonna make this deal
or not? Huh?
Look at me. Focus.
I see you, okay?
I see the real you.
I know what you want.
I know exactly what you want.
Are you gonna stop fucking with me and make this deal
or am I gonna keep slapping the shit out of you?
Which way is it gonna be?
I can't feel my legs.
Can't feel my legs,
but I'm feeling something else.
You want to close the deal, man?
Huh? Come on.
Just... a little something something.
Just a little.
Yeah, like... (groaning)
Oh, Marty.
(gagging)
Oh, Marty, come on, man. Fuck.
You're fucking insane. I'm not, no. just...
How about we do this? Stop being all indignant, man.
What's your problem? Get the fuck out.
Really just talking a little blowy
between buds, man.
Fuck. Matt Damon,
I'm throwing you out. Go.
You're throwing me out of your building?
Yeah. Get the fuck out.
God. I'm sorry.
I don't know what...
I'm...
I'm sorry.
I'm totally... I don't even...
Jesus, Marty.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry, man.
I-I'm so sorry, man.
(sighs) We could totally close this
with just a hand job.
(helicopter blades whirring)
(woman screaming)
(automatic gunfire)
(people shouting, crying)
(gunfire continues)
(explosion)
(screaming, gunfire continues)
Get those children to safety now!
(explosions)
Move those kids back there!
Sister,
protect this child.
I have work to do.
Don't go back in there, Matt Damon.
(man shouting, gunfire continues)
He'll make a full recovery.
MATT: Obviously, we can't all be on the front lines
taking on this horrific problem head-on.
Yeah, that looks right. Five cc's for all of them.
So what can you do?
Go to damonschildren.org
right now, and become part of a new kind of army,
one that fights for the kids.
Tell your friends,
tell your family,
damonschildren.org,
because children should be children.
Right, kids?
ALL: That's right, Matt Damon.
(laughter, excited chatter)
(applause, cheering)
Oh... MAN: Matt Damon!
(mumbles) MAN 2: Great job.
Thanks, Steven.
No, you, you.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Thank you.
Great work.
Thank you guys.
Thank you.
And thank you.
Meow.