Oh, my God.
[SIGHS]
[SAM SNORING]
[JESS SIGHS]
Oh, you kissed her. You idiot.
You...
Ow!
Ah!
Oh, no. No, no, I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't... No. No. No.
I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't...
Do not moonwalk away from me.
Do not. You are not... You're doing it. Nick.
NICK: Jam-on. - You did.
Ugh.
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH YAWN]
SAM: Oh. - Ugh. Oh, my God.
I just woke up. I've been sleeping for hours and hours.
Nice. Me too.
Let's see here.
Sweet, 10 e-mails.
Hey, Sam? Um, I have to tell you something.
How do you always look so beautiful in the morning?
Sometimes I can't even look at you. I gotta look away.
I can't even look at you right now.
But I got to. Now I gotta look away.
I just can't resist. Oh, jeez.
Ha, ha. What were you gonna say?
Nothing. It was nothing.
- Jess? - Nick kissed me.
What?!
Oh, man...
I had the best sex of my life last night.
Winston, we need to talk.
Daisy said I was pretty good. You hear that? Pretty good.
- This is important. - I didn't even use my hands.
- You didn't use your hands? - I did a lot of side stuff.
You're killing me. I need to talk to you.
After hearing that, I can barely look at you.
I got my mojo back, baby. I'm the mojo man. Heh, heh.
Mojo man, mojo man. I like the sound of that.
We're not gonna be getting much done, are we?
I gotta tell Sam. I can't tell Sam.
I didn't even do anything wrong.
Nick kissed me. I didn't even kiss him back.
Okay, fine. I kissed him back. Is that what you want me to say?
I literally haven't said a word for over an hour.
Now he won't even talk to me. I saw him this morning...
...and he just panic-moonwalked away from me.
- He what? - He does that.
Man. Terrorism.
And then, ha, Nick just... He just...
- Kisses you? - Stupid Nick Miller. Ugh!
- How was it? - I was like Scarlett O'Hara...
...in my freaking curtain dress.
- How did he...? - He just, like, grabbed me...
...and he just took me.
- Oh, yeah. - And he was a man, and I was a woman.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm. - It was firm but tender.
- Oh, damn. - Yeah, I mean...
...I saw through space and time for a minute. That's not the point.
- Oh, man. - Are you okay?
I miss sex. I've been on dates...
...set up by my mother for the past month. - Hm.
- What are you gonna do? - Ugh!
I mean, do you like Nick?
Ah! Ba!
Na! Ni...
Nick? Ha, ha, ha.
No. Heh, heh.
I don't like Nick.
I like Sam. Sam's the kind of guy who fixes things...
...you didn't even know were broken.
And Nick is the type of guy who breaks things...
...that are... He breaks things.
- It's for my grandma. - Wow, that's...
Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Nick. - No, let me just...
- Here, it's fine. - No!
Nick, what are you...?
Think those belong back on it.
He is not getting in the way of me and Sam.
He is not ruining this.
I'm so mad at him. I can't even be around him.
- Can I spend the day with you? - Oh...
Well, um...
I didn't tell you this before actually, but, uh...
Cece is going to an Indian marriage convention today...
...to find herself a brown husband.
Little does she know that I have signed up for the same convention.
Gentlemen, there is nothing that says, "White Men Need Not Apply."
You look like the fortune teller in Big.
Wait, is it in the loft?
Yes, Nick, the West Coast's premiere Indian singles event...
...where 300 eligible Rajput Indians get together...
...to see if they should get arranged-married to each other is in our loft.
It's not? Then I'm coming with. I'm in. You finally got company, I'm coming.
Your mojo man is in too. Mojo man, mojo man.
Neither of you are coming. I've been studying for a week.
I can speak conversational Hindi.
If that conversation is: "Hello." "Hello."
"Samosa?" "Yes please, Samosa." "More towels?"
"Do you know where the white person's toilet is?" After that it gets confusing.
- Can you drive in that dress? SCHMIDT: You're right. I can't.
- You're driving. Let's go. - Yeah!
Hi, I'm checking in. My name's Cecilia Parikh.
This is my best friend, she's just here to watch.
All must participate. We've had a lot of trouble with watchers.
You participate or you go home.
All right. You know what? What the hell?
You have to fill out a questionnaire.
- Information, education, résumé. - Heh.
Thank you.
What the hell are you guys doing here?
- You look like a character from The Love Guru. - Oh. Thank you.
Hello. I'd like to check in with my two friends.
We are not Indian, but you cannot...
...turn us away because I read the website vigorously, kumari...
That means "miss." My friend right there, yeah, he's a vakeel. That means "lawyer."
- I dropped out of "kaheel" school. SCHMIDT: It's vakeel, man.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, no, I just, uh...
- Oh! WOMAN: Ah!
Nick, you're embarrassing me.
WINSTON: Nick, what are you doing?
WINSTON: Nick, Nick.
Nick. Nick, Nick. What are you doing? Stop moonwalking, man.
NICK: Ugh. - Man, you have been weird all morning.
Hey, look. I kissed Jess.
Say what you're gonna say.
[NICK GRUNTING]
Whoo!
- Thought you'd say that. - I don't want a new roommate.
What? She's not moving out.
I'm not talking about her, I'm talking about you.
When this thing blows up in your face, you're the one moving out.
You think I like living with you?
You have centipedes living under your bed.
- Those weren't centipedes. - You've named your testicles "Sharon."
- So, what? - You kissed Jess. What were you thinking?
Look, I wasn't thinking anything.
Just apologize and make it right.
All right. That's what I'm gonna do.
- Unh! My Sharon! - Get... Just get over here.
What?
You told me you had moved on.
Only people who haven't moved on say things like that.
I'm a squirrel, you're my nut. Winter's coming. Gonna store you in my cheek, girl.
Please leave.
You and I not being together does not make sense to me.
I miss your body, and the things I used to do to it.
- Schmidt. - I'm talking about sex.
Today is about me finding someone within my own culture...
...that I can build my life with.
It's about more than sex.
Our sex was about more than sex.
It was about history and memory and thousands of years...
...of colonial suffering all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy.
Then why did the sex always end...
...with you yelling, "Blammo, that happened."
Blammo
JESS: Thank you.
- Hey. - Oh, you can walk normally now, I see.
I'm sorry I kissed you.
Wow, that was unexpected. Thanks, Nick.
- It was a mistake. - I feel better...
...because, yeah, I was feeling awkward. - Heh, heh, heh.
You were acting weird. Honestly for me, it was like a nothing kiss.
It was like kissing a cousin, it was so non-sexual. Nothing.
Well, I think it meant something...
...you know, to you. Because you kissed me. - Hm.
I think you can admit it meant something.
Oh, no, I'm telling you, it meant nothing.
- I think it did. - I do things I don't mean all the time.
You see this bottle of water? Why did I do that? I don't know.
It doesn't mean anything.
I think you can admit that it meant something.
Hey, Jessica, it didn't.
It was a drinking game, and I was finishing the game.
But it happened after the game, when it meant something.
Oh, so it meant something to you.
- What? - It meant something to you.
You think some stupid, terrible kiss...
You're thinking about it now.
- No. I'm calling Sam... - You're calling Sam?
...and he's gonna come here and pick me up and we're leaving.
Why are you running away? Because it meant something?
We're not going anywhere.
Meant nothing, Nick.
ANU: Look at the numbers on your name tags...
...and go to the table with the corresponding numbers.
These are your groupings.
People with similar résumés and education backgrounds have been grouped together.
Thirty-four, 34...
Table 34. We're at the same table.
So this is rock bottom.
I think we're all getting married tonight.
CECE: Yeah. NICK: Naughty table right here...
Hi. Excuse me. I think there's been a mistake with the tables.
Over 30, no advanced degrees, part-time employment. Table 34.
No, actually, I'm a professional model. I'm not famous or anything...
...but I was in Lil Wayne's last video.
I was the girl he was throwing strawberries at in slow motion.
- Heh, heh. - Definitely table 34.
Excuse me, I didn't get assigned a table.
Now, I know exactly what this is about.
But I did assign you a seat.
This one.
Lap number one.
Okay, so this is not a racial thing?
Not yet it isn't.
Oh. I see what's happening here.
You're feeling my mojo.
You look like ajumpy cat, and I like that.
Ooh. I like that.
Like oversized blueberries.
Mojo off. Mojo off.
Schmidt, table seven, table seven.
- You're at table seven too? - I'm at table seven.
You should feel complimented. I feel slightly insulted.
- What? - No offense.
- A lot of offense taken. A lot. - I'm just saying...
SAM: Jess.
- Hi! How are you? - Okay.
I checked in. They gave me my table. This is a weird date.
Thought we'd go bowling before we went to an Indian convention.
- What table you at? - Table one.
Table one! It's almost like you save lives or something.
Oh, wait, you do.
Let's start the icebreakers.
This exercise shows how physically compatible two people can be.
[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
- Ow! My hand! - What?
Stupid man.
- Nice. - Yeah.
SAM: Ready? Three, two... Ow.
JESS: Ow. No. Ow.
- No, you go down. - I go down?
You just gotta get in a little closer.
JESS: Seriously?
Hey, dummy. Stop pointing your finger at me, that's so annoying.
Why are you drinking my beer?
- Point that finger at me one more time... - Just admit that kiss meant something.
- No! - I can tell it meant something.
- Admit it or I'll do this all day. ANU: Next challenge:
Make a table out of nothing but newspaper and tape.
Women, look to your left. Men to the right. These are your partners.
You've gotta be kidding me.
First table that can hold a phonebook wins.
- We have to make a table. - Okay.
- Give me the tape. - No.
I'll tell you what's not made out of newspaper:
That tight little ass of yours.
Jess, you liked kissing me, it's fine to say that.
I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me. It was a nice kiss.
You were like a dog and my mouth was like a bowl full of dog milk.
It was like a damn fairy tale. It was the best kiss of your life.
- Are you serious? - You have to take a little responsibility.
- Tarting around in that robe... - Tarting around?
...not expecting to get kissed. I'm a man, Jessica.
Pink robes are my catnip.
We have a winning couple.
- We are not a couple! - We are not a couple!
- This is a very bad table. - Terrible table.
Look, it won't hold anything. Be prepared to laugh.
- No, I mean... NICK: I got it, I got it.
Here, put it down.
A very weak table.
MAN: Oh. - Break!
It's a strong table.
Strong table, strong couple.
Come on, jump up. Jump up, jump up! Whoa!
Wow, yeah, this is real, man.
That's an impressive table.
Congratulations on winning the table competition.
- It didn't mean anything, so... - I didn't think it meant anything.
Nick just drives me crazy, it's like...
- You know? - Yeah.
Is there something I should know here?
No, because...
ANU: Men, switch seats. - No, Sam, stop.
I wanna talk to you.
- Sam, l... - Do you like field hockey?
L... Yeah. Yeah.
- Hi. - I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pass.
When did you decide to become a model?
Oh, I didn't really think about it at all.
Someone said they'd pay me for being pretty, so...
- I like your hat. - Shh.
- It's my favorite color. - Shh.
- I didn't say anything. - Shut up, shut up.
- How many children do you want? - I have to start soon...
...so I guess I'll jump right in.
Do you think through any of your decisions or do you do whatever you want?
Hey, M. Night Shyamalan, I got a twist ending for you:
- Shut up. - What do you want, table seven?
- Just talk to your girl. - Hi.
You better watch it. I will Calcutta bitch up in here.
- I will Cal-Cut-A-Bitch. CECE: Schmidt!
Don't worry, Ben Affleck.
I'm not desperate. I don't date below table six.
ANU: Time's up. Switch places.
JESS: Sam.
- That was not nice. - Schmidt.
- You said you would leave me alone. - He crossed the line.
You said you would leave me alone.
Heh, heh. Funny seeing you here. Heh, heh, heh.
JESS: Hey, hey.
You have to go. Yeah, you have to go over there.
Okay, bye-bye. Go now.
Hi. Sam, I do have something to tell you.
You know why we're at table 34?
Because we're both bad at life, but we have model good looks.
It's because we don't think things through.
You didn't think it through when you kissed Jess. She told me.
We just make these impulsive decisions and end up hurting other people.
I can't believe this.
No. No, Sam.
Sam, wait.
Sam, wait. I'm really sorry.
I wanted to commit to this.
- I thought you understood what that meant. - I do, I did.
NICK: Hey, Sam, listen.
JESS: What? - Sam, hear me out.
I kissed her, she didn't kiss me.
It didn't mean anything to her.
Thank you.
NICK: Unh!
JESS: Oh, my God.
Sorry, Nick, it's the training.
He's in terrible shape, you could have killed him.
[HIGH-PITCHED] I'm gonna kick your ass.
Jess, it meant something to me.
[NORMAL VOICE] Is there another doctor in the house?
With this crowd, I'm sure.
I'm done. So...
...goodbye, Jess.
No. Sam.
Ice it 24 hours.
Keep it elevated.
He even exits cool.
WINSTON: Anu, I got something for you.
This is Freddy. Now as you can see...
...he is the exact same build as me...
...and he is totally available. Ain't that right, Freddy?
That is what I call an arranged bang.
Freddy, are you scared of being confined in small spaces?
Oh, you'll do just fine.
Now just remember, wherever you are, the mojo man is there.
Damn it, Schmidt.
I'm taking this.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Hold up.
[MUSIC STOPS]
When I came here today, I thought India was a pretty cool country.
You guys are obviously smart.
You looked at the roof of a bus and said, "That's not just a roof, that's more seating."
Kal Penn, he's a genius. Thank you for him.
But what I didn't know is that you're a country full of blind idiots.
- Oh, God. - Because in your midst walks a brown angel.
That woman right there.
I may be an idiot, but I'm smart enough to know what I lost.
You people could have had it all.
And you shoved her over there at a table with Nick.
Get your crap together, India.
Schmidt.
Out.
[CROWD MURMURING]
- Hello, I didn't see you over here. MAN: I'd love to make your acquaintance.
Okay, you don't all have to run over there at once.
She's not that great, you guys. I mean, she's kind of old.
You should see her areolas. One's like a helicopter pad, the other one's like a tick bite.
It's freaky. Very disorienting.
[PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] It feels like a perfect night
NICK: This making you feel better at all?
To fall in love with strangers Ah-ah, ah-ah
Yeah
We're happy, free, confused and lonely At the same time
I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone.
Oh, yeah
How's that?
You know when you get dumped, and you're racking your brain...
...for "what was it that I did wrong?"
Well, this is a really unique situation in that...
...I don't have to do that. - What happened?
[MUSIC STOPS]
I'm sorry, I know that it's my fault.
I didn't mean it like that.
Jess, can I say something that'll potentially not help this situation?
- No. - I've never been a home-wrecker...
...and I liked it.
I mean, Sam was threatened by me. Ha, ha, ha.
I mean, I see that as a victory.
But in more important, uh, ways...
...a huge, huge devastating loss for you.
Should I call Cece? This feels like Cece territory, this isn't Nick territory.
Look, Jess...
...I'm sorry, okay?
That I kissed you.
But I shouldn't have done it, because it was obviously a mistake...
...and now you're crying...
...and I won't do it again.
Well...
...maybe it was a little bit broken to begin with.
- What happened? - He just...
He always wanted to fist-bump in the morning.
- And you didn't like that? Heh, heh, heh. - I hated it. What...?
- I feel like you're forgiving me. - Nope.
- Before I said that, you were, though. - Nope.
Now you remembered you're still mad at me. No? Okay.
- Good night, Nick. - Good night.
Hey, Jess?
- Too soon? - Yeah, too soon.
Well, hey, good night. I'm sorry about everything.
Okay.
NICK: Okay?
- That was... - Yeah, that was a little bit weird.
Let's not ever do it again.
- Okay, good night. - Good night.
- Night, Miller. - Goodnight, sergeant.
I'm glad everything's back to normal around here.
Thank you for what you said. I got a lot of numbers.
Good.
- Think I'm gonna go on a lot of dates. - I think that's a great thing, good.
But I'm still marrying an Indian guy.
No, yeah, that's fine. But you went home with a Jew in a turban, so I'm just saying.
Just take this off, let's go.
God, I have missed this.
Turban on, turban off?
I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but turban on.
Turban on it is.
- Check it out, magic carpet ride. Yeah? No? - Shut up. Whoo! Ripped By mstoll