Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Oh, Edgar hurry up,
I've got to take Moses to the V-E-T.
You know, for his A-I-D-S.
Yeah, I think I know what's wrong. It's a shit car.
The car is shit.
I just came by to show you my new motor.
It's the nuts.
It's even got a voice-activated autopilot,
all I have to do is say, "Drive me home", and the car just...
'I think you said, driving home!'
Bollocks.
How do you afford it?
Actually, it was a present from my boy.
Nathan's just been made partner at the law firm.
Managed to free that guy who drowned those kids on a technicality.
Brilliant. So proud.
Best be off, I'm hungry.
'OK. Driving To...Hungary.'
Bollocks.
I'm Claudia Wrinklyman, and this year's summer films are looking better than ever.
There's Harry Potter: The College Years.
Harry, I'm not sure you should be casting spells on girls
to make them sleepy,
having sex with them then making them forget about it all the next day.
It's just some harmless magic, Ron. Just like at Hogwarts!
No, it's date rape, Harry.
But they can't remember. You didn't!
What... What?
Rohypnoliamus!
We're also excited about the new movie "Michael Sheen", an upcoming
biopic about the life of Michael Sheen, starring Michael Sheen.
I'm Michael Sheen.
How's his son got him a pool?
You need a job, son.
Make something of yourself, then give me some of it.
You must have some potential, look inside yourself and find it.
I tried last night with a mirror, father, but the hole's too small.
Perhaps you could help?
Son, I think we may have hit a new low.
I don't understand fractions at all.
We are so fucking screwed for these exams, Jason!
Not bad!
All right there. You're the Johnson's boy, right?
I'm Jamie Oliver. I'm 'ere from the future.
My latest crusade is helping kids pass their exams.
With a dash of advanced quantum physics and a dead simple but
bangin' Caesar salad, I can travel in time, saving children one by one.
Now come on kids - let's go! The adventure begins here.
What... Come on! Look, I've got a recipe that'll get you in 'ere...
It's called Shooting Your Fucking Heads Off!
Now let me help you help yourselves!
PUKKA!
Slowly this time!
Maybe don't use your hands...
Hey, Ken, what are you up to?
Bit of sexual harassment, is it? Ha-ha! Classic Ken! Brilliant stuff.
Anyway, could you give Dusty a job, please?
Short answer - no. Long answer - Fuck, no.
But I need him to make lots of money so he can buy me things.
Do you have any skills?
I have no skills.
Ha-ha-ha. You're like your dad. Ha-ha-ha. Cos he's got no skills.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Undermining me in front of my son, eh? Classic Ken!
Lovely! Ha!
How do you expect to find employment in today's economy?
What kind of highly paid job are you hoping to get with zero skill or talent?
Oh, my God, I've got it. I want to become a banker!
OK, Dusty. I'll help you.
But if you really want to become a banker,
it will require arrogance, misogyny, and the ability to lose
millions of pounds of other people's money without giving a shit.
That was quite a match!
I'm here talking to Wayne Rooney about the match.
How did you feel, scoring that goal in the match?
Rooney score goal!
And you did it with your feet, in the match?
Yeah! A foot-goal in the football match! Rooney like football!
Dad! What are you doing? You were meant to drive Moses to the vet.
Squidge made me go out for beers.
BEERS!
Your imaginary friend again? Dad, you need professional help.
Shut up! Squidge wants to give me a piggy back!
Ha, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
Good boy, Squidgy...
I'm going to hypnotise you and take you back to your childhood.
I'll count back from ten...
There's no way I'd ever be hypnotised,
I'm not some gullible new age hippy with...
- 10... - Mummy?
Where are you?
I'm having a wee-wee.
Good, Ken. Goood.
We're going to find out where Squidge came from
and we're going to get rid of him forever!
Nooooooooooo!
And then you just add a glug of olive oil. Dip your cock in it.
Beautiful. Sunday lunch. Get the family round.
Where are we?
The dawn of time. This is the primordial soup.
Where life began.
Mm. Bangin'. But this is the best bit...
Oooh, yeah. Oooooh, yeah, that's it. Go on, son. Go on. Lovely.
Ooh, you fucking dirty bastard.
Let's keep moving we've got a lot of unfocussed learning to get through.
I kind of want to go home.
Follow me so I can give you kids a better fucking future!
PUKKA!
You're almost a banker. But you're missing something...
Bluetooth!
This way, when you're on the phone,
your hands are free to grope strippers,
punch homeless people in the face when they ask you for money
and get the beers in after a hard day shitting up the world's economy.
I can't wait!
Hey, lads.
Morning, lad. We were just downloading some info from Lucian about last
night's order of service.
Like I was recounting, there's this filly in my sights,
only a seven but still fair hunting...
So I knock back some G&Ts. Proper jarathon.
Then I get on the scent of this lass.
And once I'm up to ramming speed it's like shooting
partridge in a zoo.
Long story short, I fuck her brains out
and I'm never going to call her again.
BONUS!
What do you think of that, Skirt?
I don't find it offensive to women because I'm just one of the lads!
Oh! A-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
Hey look, new boy?
NEW BOY! NEW BOY!
He's starting here as my intern.
But, Miles, has he got the chops?
Women are objects and this money isn't ours, so let's...
do what we want with it?!
You're going to be just fine, lad.
Are you finished going wee-wee Ken?
I filled my potty.
Good. Now what do you see?
I, I'm six years old.
I'm on a school field trip to the London Aquarium.
And Mr Khan's taken me round the back of the stingray pond...
You liked touching the stingray, didn't you, little Kenton?
It was soft and smooth!
Mmm. Soft and smooth. Very nice. Very nice to touch.
I have something for you to touch, it also soft
and smooth like the stingray...
I want you to touch my starfish. It's a little brown starfish.
Maybe you like to stroke it...?
And then what happened?
Who are you? Shall we...
shall we touch his starfish together?
No, Ken. Run! Run from the bad man!
Squidge, he... he saved me. Oh, my God, this is...
this is where it all started, I can...
I can feel I'm close to some kind of breakthrough!
Time's up! See you tomorrow.
Squidge, you're... You're shrinking?
Don't look at me!
When they asked me, David Cameron to be on Who Do You Think You Are?
I wasn't sure.
But now, looking back through my family heritage,
I'm humbled to learn that I am in fact a massive cunt.
My father was a cunt, as was my grandfather a cunt
and his father before him - also a cunt.
I come from a long line of total and utter over privileged cunts.
So I suppose, well, that means... I was born a cunt.
Absolutely. Great! OK. Bye, bye...
Right, so here's the deal, parents. I have got a job!
Slammo!
That's great news!
Ye! I am a banker!
No... Not that... Anything but that!
Not my son!
How far gone are you? Have you been to Spearmint Rhino?
Have they given you a bonus?
Are you looking at Riverside loft conversions?
Do you have a needlessly wide tie? Have you?! Look at me! Have you?!
Yes! I've done all those fun things!
Hi, mate, yeah, sure, sure. Oh, nats... totes.
I know he's my son. But what a hateful obnoxious little shit.
Although, abortion's legal right?
But he's 30 years old.
And they... Don't let you do that?
No.
Balls.
See him? That's Sir Isaac Newton.
Oh, my God!
Is this the moment he sees the apple fall from the tree
and devises the theory of gravity?
Yeah, but we're not 'ere for that. Look over there.
Oh, yeah! That's it, my son. That's my boy. Fuckin' go on.
Oooh, yes!
Um, why is he showing us this stuff?
I don't know. He's like a time pervert.
Yeah. He's like a time arse bandit.
Right. Next!
So, where are we now on this pointless adventure?
We're on a train in North Korea, 2011.
'Ave a gander through that window.
It's moments before Kim Jong Il dies from a heart attack.
Why are you showing us this?
Ever since Jools left me for Ainsley Harriot, I've been lonely.
And really horny.
I just want you and your children and their children's children
to have a better future,
SO JUST GET IN THE MOTHERFUCKING BOX!
Parents of disappointing children, welcome. Let's share.
My name's Lydia and my son's a serial murderer.
Oh...
I'm - I'm Tom, my son Gareth is a TV presenter.
Yeah, I know.
Th-th-th-that's not a job. Anyone can do it. He just talks.
My name's Edgar and... My son's a banker.
You poor bastard.
Dusty, lad, you've been in the nest dos semanas now,
and I love your spunk, mate.
You're a risk-taker. You've made some ballsy investments.
Come on, what's your strategy? You must have a system.
Oh, I do.
So, these are all the companies we can invest in. How to decide...
That's our investment! Good boy!
None of your investments have made any money, in fact you've lost millions.
But you're taking big, thoughtless risks and that's what this job's all about. Miles, come here.
I'm giving Dusty your job.
But I have my job...
Yeah, now you have his job.
But he's an intern. They don't get paid.
Yeah, it was my way of firing you,
so you wouldn't realise you were being fired.
But you ruined it. So you're fired.
But, you can't do this. Guys, this isn't right. I'm one of the lads!
Not any more, lad.
Yeah, have fun, Mr I'm Never Going To The Ivy Ever Again.
I'm sorry I ever took you into this world, Dusty. Let's go.
I don't think so, poo-poo brains.
Et tu, Dusty?
Yes. Et me.
Now get out of here
before we all catch poor off you, you bloody queer!
It was Squidge's idea.
I told Mr Khan to meet me behind the stingrays again.
I told him I wanted to play with his little brown starfish.
Good, Ken. Keep talking.
Squidge gave me the strength to fight...
I'm so glad you reconsider.
Now we have lots of fun with my little brown starfish...
Uh...
NOW! DO IT! CUT HIM!
I cut it off. Squidge made me do it.
Why Ken? Why you do this?
I only want to show you my little brown starfish.
Awkward... um...
Oh!
Wake up, Ken. Wake up gently.
Squidge is the reason you do bad things.
It's also his fault all the money is missing from your desk.
But you've confronted the trauma now.
Within 24 hours, Squidge will be no more.
Oh, shit!
Everything you see tonight is not actual magic.
It's a result of showmanship, misdirection
and my funky little beard.
Tonight I'm going to hang myself till I'm dead - no tricks.
It's just a desperate bid to get people to watch me on TV for an hour
because I've run out of other cool stuff to do...
There you are. I need to talk to you.
What you've done to Dusty is nothing short of...
What I've done? What about what he's done to me?
He's took my job, Edgar.
I may not have liked it or been good at it, but it was my job!
I just wanted a pool.
You may have wanted a pool, but you lost me.
Your best friend.
We're best friends?
I thought our wives were friends and we just kind of spoke occasionally.
You're probably right.
Edgar, you just lost someone you vaguely know through your wife.
Hmm.
Squidge! Where are you? SQUIDGE!?
I'm here, Ken!
Oh, I knew you wouldn't leave me.
I have to leave you.
But why?
Psychology. I'm a big green, merchandise-friendly, coping mechanism.
But I have to go now. Goodbye!
♪ All by myself
♪ Don't want to be All by myself... ♪
Goodbye, old friend.
♪ ..any more
♪ All by myself... ♪
Wow. What is this place?
It looks so real!
It's our garden, Jason.
Oh, yeah! It looks so real!
Well, sadly, kids, it's time our journey came to an end.
It feels like we began only yesterday.
It was yesterday.
The truth is I've moved on from just school dinners and education.
These days I'm saving the whole world.
And by distracting you, Dusty Johnson, I've done just that.
And the world is safe again.
Um, he just called me Dusty?
Which means he just distracted the wrong person!
My strategy is simple - we gather all our resources,
all our money. Lights!
And then...
we basically flip a coin!
Dusty, it's insanely risky.
We could ruin people's lives
just because of our own short-sighted arrogance.
I LOVE IT!
Tails it is.
Sorry, Eve. Looks like we're eating you next.
It's not so bad. Just close your eyes.
Ow!
Edgar. Take me.
I spent the last 30 years without Squidge
and I can't take another day.
Plus I'm really, really, really fucking old by now.
I haven't had an erection since Miley Cyrus died.
Hey, look! Poor people!
It's your family Dusty, you big shithead! This is all your fault!
You big... Shithead.
But I still have a job. Bankers will always have a job.
No matter how much money we lose.
No matter how many stupid, childish and irresponsible decisions we make,
we'll still have our bonuses.
So fuck you, poor people!
All right? I couldn't help noticing you were about to eat your daughter 'ere.
If you're going to do that, you might want to season her first, yeah?
Thank you, Jamie Oliver!
Ah, no worries, Dusty.
Urm, I'm Jason. Not Dusty.
Dusty's the one who ruined the world's economy.
Oh! That's why nothing changed.
I distracted the wrong Johnson kid.
Get me a Caesar salad. I'm going back!
So how do you expect to find employment in today's economy?
What kind of highly paid job are you hoping to get with zero skill or talent?
Oh, my God! I've got it!
Dusty Johnson? Come with me, son.
We're taking a trip through time.
Oh, by the way Ken. Don't see that therapist any more, yeah?
Or you won't see Squidge again. Pukka!
Well, I don't know what the fuck was that about.
Oh, look. Miley Cyrus looks a bit peaky.
Ah, look at that. Beautiful, isn't it?
Da Vinci painting his masterpiece.
Wow, I've completely forgotten what I wanted to do with my life.
Then my work here is done.
How does he get her to smile like that?
Oh, and you lot - eat your greens, yeah?
I said EAT YOUR FUCKING GREENS, YOU FAT CUN...
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.