Guys, guess what I found-- my set list
from when I did stand-up in fifth grade.
(Inhales deeply)
(Imitating Jerry Seinfeld) What is the deal
with these moms who make lunch?
Have you seen this? Have you heard about this, Kelvin?
I mean, why are you writing me a note, you silly goose?
I know you love me. You told me this morning!
And what is the deal with these juice box straws?
I mean, how hard does it have to be
to get the facacta thing in the hole?
(Laughs) It just spills all over ya! (Laughter)
(Normal voice) And then I have a bunch of stuff about, like,
the difference between little girls and little boys.
You know, little girls be sharin'.
(Laughs) They be sharin', man. Little girls be sharin'.
It's funny 'cause it's a list.
(Laughs)
Oh, boo. You're not laughing. What's wrong?
You consto?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just bummed about work junk.
The car czar and his cronies are this total boys club,
and I can't get in.
Whoa.
Look at the sunny-side ups on that breakfast platter.
Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
Hey, boys.
What are we doin'? Looking at some girly pics?
I can get in with that. (Chuckles)
Ahh, yeah, to think that she is somebody's daughter.
She was once a baby... (Chuckles)
In a nursery.
It is infuriating.
Baby, calm down.
You're forgetting your sexy secret weapon.
My Jack Nicholson impression.
Hmm?
(Imitates Jack Nicholson) Lakers.
No. Me!
I'm amazing at guy talk.
Just invite the guys over, and I'll help you get in.
I'll be your guy guide. (Giggles)
Your guyde.
Yep, already a word.
Realized it as soon as I said it.
- Yeah. - Hey, guys.
- Hey! - Whazzup!
What-- question mark-- is-- question mark-- that?
I just went to see Dr. Spratt
about my little spill down the stairs,
and apparently, I still have a mild concussion,
and I have to wear this stupid helmet for a month.
You look like a crayon a fat kid would eat.
Did you valet your kayak or did you find street parking?
(Laughs) Let's go around the horn!
Yeah, did you, uh... oh...
Helmet joke. I just wanted in.
You know what? I think this is really good because...
(Whispers) you do hit your head a lot.
Aah!
- I'm going down. Oh! (Guests) - Ohh!
(Mouth full) Okay? Aah!
Yeah, I don't remember any of that.
Maybe because of the concussion.
How did I get here?
(Slow motion voice) Penny.
(Slow motion voices) Penny. Penny.
Pen.
- Penny. - Stop.
(Slow motion voices continue) Stop. It's not funny.
♪
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
Goal!
- Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - All right,
enough with the showboating, ya tiny Hooligan.
It's bad enough we're getting beat by someone
who's only slightly larger than the actual foosball players.
(Softly) I'm sorry.
♪
(Blares)
You had to take her to a soccer game?
It will never catch on here.
Oh, great.
(Dave) There's Brody. I hate that douche.
(Alex) Oh. Are you kidding me?
This guy is a world-class dum-dum.
I think you guys are being pretty hard on Brody.
He seems like a funny, nice guy,
plus his name has the word "bro" built right into it.
Yo, D. Rose! What's up, gangsta?
How's it going, Brody?
- Just crushin' life, bro. - Congrats.
Whoa! Still hanging out with the nutcracker, huh?
(Max and Brody laugh)
The nutcracker! (Singsongy) Classic Brody!
Ohh!
Your hand's a turkey, bro.
(Imitates turkey gobbling)
Wild turkey.
Ohh! (Laughs)
(Laughter) What a sick jerk.
I know.
Why can't he understand that Alex and I have transcended--
- Not your crap! The fist bump! - What?
A fist bump is a sacred contract between the fists of men.
You don't go playing around,
turning people's hands into turkeys.
I don't like that guy, and I want it on record.
We've been over this. There is no actual record.
Then why are we doing any of this?
(Brad) Okay, babe, get ready to follow me into the boys club.
All guys love college football,
so I'm gonna bring it up,
then you launch into your tirade about the BCS.
(Whispers) We need a legitimate playoff system!
- Mm! - Let's do it.
- Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh! - Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh!
(Giggles)
Everybody having a good time?
- Great party, Jane. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, except for these veggie puff things.
You got anything with some... animal in it?
You know, something that used to have a mom?
Speaking of moms... (Laughs)
I see a lot of college football fans around here, huh?
Man, do I approve of the BCS!
No! We need a legitimate playoff system! Huh!
I'm not a fan of college, uh, football.
(Breathes deeply) (Blows air)
Hey! Oh!
I love this candle, Jane!
Oh! Where did you get this?
Well, actually, I made it in my candle studio/our laundry room.
(Laughs) Really?
- Yeah. - Would you show me how you do it?
Uh-oh! You did it now, Brad.
You found her hobby...
(Laughs) Making bad versions
of things that you could just easily buy in a store.
(Laughs) (Laughs)
But, by all means, show her how you make that thing.
(Laughs) Yeah. Show me how you make it.
Show me. Show me, show me, show me!
(Clenched teeth) Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.
Unh!
(Chuckles)
(Inhales deeply) So...
you and the guys wanna go check out some porno?
Get some eyes on some thighs?
Some peepers on some creepers?
Some rods and cones on some...
bwras and thowngs?
No.
This helmet thing isn't that bad.
I mean, we just need to cute it up, right?
Here. Take that off. Try this one. (Velcro rips)
Eh? Come on, it's pink.
All right.
This is so stupid.
(Alex) What? I think it's cute.
Oh! So sorry. Sorry. Oh.
Oh, no. Don't worry about it.
Actually, I read somewhere that wearing a helmet
reduces your peripheral vision by 40%.
- Really? - No, I can't read.
(Laughs) (Laughs)
I'm, uh, I'm Pete.
- Oh. Penny. Hello. - Penny.
- Helmet shopping, I see. - Well...
I'm, uh, I'm looking for a lock myself.
There's a hobo in my neighborhood
who keeps trying to steal my bike.
Nice use of the word "hobo."
Makes him seem more quaint, right?
A "quaint"?
Isn't that the space
between a gal's goal and her penalty box?
I'm sorry. (Chuckles)
I'm gonna be kinda forward here.
Do you wanna get a coffee with me sometime?
I would love to. (Laughs) I would love to.
But you know what? I've got so much going on. So slammed.
No, it's okay. It's totally okay.
Can't, uh, can't blame a guy for trying.
(Chuckles)
- All right. - Okay.
- Are you crazy? He's beautiful. - I know.
- He's soo cyah. - So cyah.
So cyah. I can't go on a date wearing this.
Come on. He could be your soul mate, your kindred spirit,
your "One Tree Hill".
That's not the saying, but you're right.
I cannot let this thing hold me back.
I have helmet.
- Helmet doesn't have me. (Whispers) - That's right.
- Hey, Pete? - Hmm?
Um, I'm actually in for that coffee.
Great! What changed your mind?
Uh, just some advice from a friend.
She's very wise.
(Thud)
(Laughs) This one's top-notch. Barely felt that.
Ah, she's a gem.
(Growling) Four sandos and counting.
What's with the big appetite, hungry puppy? (Growls)
(Mouth full) I'm carbo-fueling my rage for Brody.
Come on, man. It was just a fist bump.
It was... (Scoffs) Not just a fist bump!
I'm sensitive, okay?
This is not the first time I've been handshake-betrayed.
(Max) It was the fifth damn grade.
Jimmy Nichols offered me a high-fiver.
I accepted.
Why not? It would be rude not to.
Then he offered me one down low.
Took that as well.
Bam!
Pulled that "too slow" crap
just like the cheatin' half-Italian bastard
that he was.
(Laughter)
(Voice breaks) School would no longer be
a safe place for me to shake hands.
(Sighs deeply)
Dave?
(Whispers) Down low, too slow.
(Nasal voice) David?
All that pain...
What's happening?
It's my fault.
I invented "down low, too slow."
What?
(Whispers) I did this to you.
(Thud) What are you talking about?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
- Dave! - I'm sorry!
What are you talk-- what about your truck?!
What are you talking about, Candice?
You'd look great with bangs.
(Groans) May I? Watch.
- Look at that. See? - All right.
(Women laughing) So then Denise comes back from the garden center
- with another fountain. - Ohh!
That makes three.
Oh! Hey, hey, hey! I'm feeling you, guy.
If shopping were an olympic sport,
my wife would be...
a fat bitch.
(Men laugh)
(Man) Ohh!
(Imitates Wendy Williams) How you doin'?
(Laughter)
(Scoffs) You guys think your wives are bad?
Brad is so spoiled,
he can't sing "Louie, Louie"
without adding the words "Vuitton, Vuitton."
(Men laugh)
Who knew?! Ha ha! Kerkovich!
Gettin' loose with the spousal abuse!
- Mm. - Wow!
Hey, let me ask you something.
Is there a 10-inch whore here?
'Cause that was a low blow!
(Laughs) (Man) Ohh!
Give me that, dum-dum.
(Chuckles) That's for you.
Oh.
(Clink)
(Whirring) (Singsongy) Hi!
Wow! Well. (Chuckles)
Listen, I know we talked about coffee,
but I thought we could do something a little different,
so I booked us on a segway tour.
What? (Chuckles)
Wow. Um...
Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?
Uh, okay. We could do that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, it's gonna be awesome.
I know it's lame that they make us wear these stupid helmets.
I was all, "um, I think we're cool.
We're not gonna, like,
accidentally bang our heads on stuff."
And the segway guy was all, "the president of our company
actually died tragically on one of these."
And I was all, "I'm sorry for your loss."
Okay, well, uh, let's segway.
- Let's segway! - Let's segway.
- Okay, the tour company is around the corner. - Okay.
- Follow me, sir. - Yeah.
But it's very intuitive.
It's kind of an art, is what I'm...
Oh. Look out. Jeez.
- Penny, you okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
Honestly, this could not be easier to do, in a weird way.
(Crash, chair scrapes ground)
That's it, Penny. Try leaning another way.
Okay.
Then try... (Bottles clinking)
- You're dragging a chair. - I think-- I know.
- Just-- just... - Yeah, no, I'm...
- Hiya! (Laughs) (Laughs) - That's it. You got that.
Yeah!
(Sighs) Ohh. Great party, Jane.
And thanks for the scotch.
That was the second-best 18-year-old I've had all week.
Ohh! (Brad and Candice laugh)
He's just playing.
- Yes, he is. - Y-yeah. Yeah.
Playing with breasts that aren't attached to someone I hate.
(Laughs) What?! (Laughs)
- Ohh! - Ohh!
- Unh! (Laughs) - Aah! (Laughs)
Aah!
(Laughs) His humor makes me uncomfortable.
They're fine.
Baby, I am so sorry I left you hanging with the guys.
I got caught up with the wives, and they would not let me go.
It all worked out.
I got to shoot the bull with the boys club all night.
And they invited me
to watch a game with them after work!
Oh, that's great! I got invited out, too.
The gals want me to go to their spinning class
and then have salads afterwards.
Look at us--
me in the boys club,
you hangin' with the trophy wives.
(Laughs) Yeah!
(Laughs) Hold up.
Are you calling me a trophy wife?
W-- (Squeaks)
'Cause that's awesome!
Yeah! Unh! (Laughs)
- Mmm! Mmm! - Mmm! Mmm!
Oh, you did it.
- Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh! - You did it. Unh!
Yes! Yes!
How are we doing, Brad?
Great! (Laughs) Yeah!
Ha ha! Aah!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
(Laughs) Yeah!
- Hey! - Yeah!
(All laugh)
- Aah! Oh! - Aah!
(Men laugh)
You just got car czared!
Ohh! That was the best ever!
So... how are things going with Pete?
Not great.
I mean, I really like him
and I even gave us our own couple name.
P&P Romance Factory.
But I do think he's getting a little weirded out
that I only wanna go on dates where we wear helmets.
Yesterday, we took a moped safety course.
Well, I'm glad you came to me
because I-- you're welcome--
took it upon myself to fix your problem.
Hey, guys.
Have you seen Dave?
He ran out of the truck yesterday, acting really weird,
and he's been...
You can still tell I'm wearing a helmet, can't you?
(Sighs) Al, I don't think this is gonna work.
Really? I think they're great.
I don't know what the two of you are up to.
I think it's amazing. I want no part of it.
I need to go find Dave. So make yourself useful and help me!
(Gasps) Oh, no. This is bad. He's into the sangria.
(Slurring) What do you want?
Good God, man!
That is the worst sangria mouth I've ever seen
on a non-spaniard.
All the pain you suffered from "down low, too slow"...
(Voice breaks) it's my fault.
(Sighs) - Oh. - Dave... (Sighs)
I don't think that you created--
I was 10 years old. I high-fived Becky Lutz.
Then I offered her one lower down.
"Down low," we called it.
She swung for my hand, and I pulled it away,
and then the rhyme spilled from my lips...
(Whispers) like poison.
"Too slow."
Becky died that summer...
Whoa! Unexpected turn.
"My Girl"-style.
Bees.
You know when you're young
and you get something in your head
and no one corrects you, but you keep believing it
- even though it's crazy? - Yeah.
Till I was 13, I used to think "L-M-N-O" was one letter.
(Scoffs) You're an idiot.
(Scoffs) I'm an idiot?
What comes after Tuesday?
Wed-nes-day.
- I'm sorry. I didn't... - Wed-nes-day.
Who knows how many lives I've ruined,
how many dreams I've burgled?!
(Lowered voice) - Maybe we should just tell him. - I know.
I gotta make this right.
I'm gonna use my knowledge of handshake trickery
and teach you a countermove to the turkey fist bump.
You can take Brody down.
This may be
the single dumbest thing
that have I ever been associated with,
and I love it and I'm in. (Laughs)
Mmm, mmm.
Ahh.
Ugh. Good God.
I like that. Yeah.
Hey, boo!
Hey, babe. I made that salad you like.
Burrata, tomatoes,
and balsamic so old it's a burden on its children.
Aw!
You're sweet.
Hey, you got yours trained well, huh?
(Laughs) If only I could train him
to not spend so much money on gossip magazines. Am I right?
(Men laugh)
(Laughs) Yeah, these guys...
- Oh, boy. - What was that?
What?
Uh, you junk-talking me in front of your coworkers.
No. We always talk about our wives.
That's how I bonded with these guys.
Ted always talks about how dumb Sheila is.
Keith talks about Wanda's surgery addiction.
She looks like a Tom Petty Halloween mask.
Hey! Wanda is a lovely, inspiring person.
(Clears throat)
Whoa, babe! You seem crabby.
Why don't you...
go run along to the store,
get yourself something nice?
(Whispers) Oh, you did not just say that to me!
(Door opens)
Well... Pete and I are done.
What happened?
Well, I planned us this impromptu picnic.
I couldn't do a normal picnic because of... (Whistles)
Needless to say, it did-a not-a go-a well-a.
(Drilling)
Okay.
Careful. (Truck reverse alert beeping)
You know what's crazy?
Because of the helmet, we never had sex.
So instead, we just got to know each other, and it was so great.
This helmet wasn't just protecting my head.
It was protecting my heart.
Is that a quote from "Iron Man 2"?
(Sighs) This sooks, though. I really liked him, Al.
So tell him the truth, okay? Honesty is the best policy.
You know what? You're right. I am gonna call Pete.
I'm gonna invite him over,
and I'm gonna answer the door proudly
in my flesh-colored prescription helmet.
(Singsongy) Hi.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for inviting me.
Aw. Oh. (Chuckles)
Ooh.
(Gasps) Aah! Oh!
Welcome to my home.
And this comes with the rainbow package, so--
(high-pitched voice) Aah!
You would not believe!
Zero parking at the country club!
And she was all, "that's not your ottoman!"
And I was all, "dressing on the side, bitch!"
(Gasps) And Dante has a boat. You need to fix this right now.
What?
One second. Just one...
(Whispers) What?
What the hell are you doing?
You want a trophy wife? You got one.
(Bag thuds)
Aah! And I crashed my car!
So I need a new one. I want this one.
But it has to have a special little piggy airbag
for my new BFF...
(Pig squeals)
Carnitas.
(Continues squealing)
What?!
What?
What?!
(Gasps) There he is.
Now remember, let him make the first move, then react.
Fist bumps are a dance, man. A dance!
Hey, Maximils! How's it goin'?
How's it goin', D. Rose?
What's up, almost Mrs. D. Rose?
(Brody chuckles) (Max) Ha ha ha.
Good one, Brody.
(Laughs) Ohh!
Your hand's a turkey.
Well, too bad it's Thanksgiving!
(Laughs) Mm!
Thanksgiving, huh?
What's Thanksgiving without the mashed potatoes?
(Blowing raspberry)
(Slow motion voice) Yeah.
- I'll kill you! - No!
Whoa!
No. Max! Max!
Sorry, Brody.
Max is just a little sensitive about handshake stuff because
someone did the whole "down low, too slow" thing to him
when he was a kid.
I had no idea. Sorry, broseph.
No hard feelings, right?
All right.
Squid away. (Laughs)
Oh, yeah.
- I'll kill you! - No! Aah!
Thank you for inviting me over.
It's a lot easier to talk to you
when I'm not trying to rollerblade
or play the jai alai.
(Laughs) I'm glad you're here, too.
(Laughs) (Laughs)
Ooh. Okay.
(Clears throat) Oh.
(Gasps)
Ooh.
(Singsongy) Quilted.
Boink, boink. (Laughs)
Ooh. Soft, huh? Yeah.
(Whispers) - Okay. - That's nice. Mm-hmm.
- Mmm. Mmm. - Mnh.
- Mmmm. Mm. Ooh. Ooh. - Yeah.
(Chuckles)
- What? - Ooh!
Ooh! That is the stuff.
Yeah, mama likes that. Mmm.
Okay. Okay. (Speaks indistinctly)
Um... (Clears throat)
I don't know what's going on.
You're acting like a weirdo,
so I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.
Look, it's because I am a weirdo.
I hit my head a lot--
like a cartoon coyote a lot--
and that's why I have to wear a helmet for a month.
And I've been covering it up because I... (Sighs)
I really like you.
But... if you wanna go, I understand.
(Exhales deeply)
Every queen...
needs her crown.
Aw!
Calm down, was all that was.
Yeah. Calm down.
(Chuckles) Yeah. Aw.
(High-pitched voice) What?!
(Laughs loudly) Oh, you know I will, girl!
Girl, I will cut your face off! (Laughs)
But not really.
(High-pitched giggle)
(Continues giggling)
I cannot believe you would embarrass me like that
in front of my coworkers.
Why not? You did it to me.
Oh, come on.
Like you never talked smack about me
to your i-banking buddies?
No. Never.
'Cause we're a team, and you don't do that to your partner.
(Sighs)
We are a team, aren't we?
Yes.
I'm so sorry.
I just-- I wanted to be part of the boys club so bad
that I-I got carried away, and I...
I messed up.
(Sighs deeply)
It's okay.
Aw, boo bear.
Brad, you're still here, huh?
Figured you'd be at a, uh, hotel patio bar by now,
boobs-deep in a red velvet Margarita,
talking to your girlfriends about
Cartier friendship bracelets and panty lines.
- Nah, you crossed the line! It's about to-- - No. Okay.
I got this.
I'm done talking smack about my partner.
Okay? And I don't need your stupid boys club.
So if you have a problem with that,
I suggest you take that hood ornament
and do something really painful
with it.
No one ever speaks to the car czar like that.
(Whispers) Ever.
But I like it. (Laughs)
Wait. No, I don't.
Why would I like that? No boss would like that.
But you are my top salesperson,
so, uh, what am I gonna do?
Later, Brad. (Chuckles)
So... it worked out.
Yeah.
Well, except, uh, real talk?
This little piggy is gonna be 60 pounds in, like, 3 weeks.
Yeah.
- I bought him in anger. - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, I was rash. - Yeah.
- I don't know what to do. - I know.
I mean, we could give him away, but here's another wrinkle--
- I've grown to love him. Mmm! - Ohh!
(Squealing) Mmm!
You love him, I love him.
(Continues squealing) I can't hear you.
No, I know. It's 'cause...
Sing, baby! (Laughs)
(Laughs) ♪ Ahh ♪
(Continues squealing) (High-pitched voice) Sing!
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com