- To my dear friends Melissa and Sadie. - Aw.
JESS: Five years together. That is awesome. - Hear, hear.
- What is your secret? - I don't think there is a secret. I think it's just...
...Iove, understanding and two sets of boobs.
Oh, I love boobs. I love them.
- I love everything about them. - Okay.
- Yeah, me too. - All different kinds.
[BOTH BURBLING]
- Yeah, that's mine too. - I love them.
SCHMIDT: The Curiosity rover has touched down...
...on the planet Mars. - What's happening in there?
Schmidt's in there with his boss.
- He's "entertaining" her. - Ew!
I don't care what he does. I just don't understand why he has to narrate it!
SCHMIDT: Robot arm engaged. - It's just engaged now?
So he's saying everything up to this point has been foreplay?
Are you kidding me? That's ridiculous. Twenty minutes of foreplay?
Boring. Yawn.
Am I right, ladies?
I know what's about to happen. You will all want to cover your ears.
SCHMIDT: I found water! - Oh.
I didn't do it in time.
Anybody seen a movie in the last five months? Can you describe the plot in detail and loudly?
- You're dry. - Actually, I'm good, thank you.
Come on. I spent $6 on this wine.
I've been looking for the right time to tell you, but Melissa and I are so excited because...
[SCHMIDT HUMMING FANFARE]
Wow, that is so upsetting.
- What mission is this based on? - I'm pregnant. We're pregnant.
- We're pregnant. - What?
MELISSA: We're having a baby!
Lesbian baby. Congratulations, you guys.
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess
I feel so lucky, you know? I really tucked this one in just under the wire.
- What do you mean? You're so young. - As your friendly gynecologist...
...you should know by the time a lady hits 30, she loses about 90 percent of her eggs.
- What? - No, that can't be true.
There's a test that tells you how many beans you got in your bean sack.
Ovaries. It estimates, basically, how many child-bearing years you have left.
Yeah. Get this baloney, I'm 32, but my eggs are 48 and my vagina is 97.
I am so uncomfortable.
But it gets better with age. It's the vagina Helen Mirren.
- Oh, boy. - I've got big plans for the centennial.
- When can I take that? CECE: Who cares?
I'm still in the "Please, God, I hope I'm not pregnant" phase.
What am I doing here?
But clinically speaking, it's a good idea to know.
I wanna take this test now. Can we take this test now?
- Morning, ladies. And Nick. - Morning?
Well, I mean, I work nights now, so I'm on an adjusted sleeping schedule.
I just woke up. Here's my breakfast. I'm going to work.
They're talking about vaginas. I hate it. Take me with you.
[MELISSA & SADIE LAUGH]
Our bodies really made something.
I feel like we brought manufacturing jobs back to America.
- Yeah, it was fine. - What do you mean "fine"?
I broke your brain, girl.
How do I put this delicately?
I was nowhere close to finishing.
I was bored and cold.
Uh...
Uh, heh.
World shattered.
We'll try again. It'll be better.
The world I once lived in, shattered.
- All right, see you at work. - See you at work.
MAN [OVER PHONE]: Put me on. I got something to say about Andrew Bynum's hair.
WINSTON: All right, caller, you're up next.
Look at you, man. This is great. King of your own castle.
I mean, heh, look at this. What is this? Why do you need so many pens, you big shot?
I like what I do. My life is moving in the right direction.
That is what I don't have in my life.
But not anymore.
I'm gonna take one of these pens, I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna write my zombie novel.
You don't think I can do it?
It's not that, it's just that sometimes I get the feeling that you don't wanna write.
[SIGHS]
[SCOFFS]
No more excuses. I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna write that novel.
- And I'll be the first to read it. - We got a deal, friend.
MAN: Yeah, you still have me on the line. My two cents?
- He's never gonna write that book. - Why don't you shut up, Manny?
- Who asked you? Hang up. - All right.
We should go. Melissa's been drinking for two.
- Three. JESS: Awesome night, ladies.
- Educational. Thank you. - Sorry.
- What? - Okay, I'm sorry.
- Can I just ask you a few questions? - I know where this is going.
You're a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you, well, a vagenius.
- Jar. - I know my way around a Grizzly Adams.
- You too? Jar. SCHMIDT: As an adult male...
...I would like to ask you a few questions about, you know, the downstairs girl cookie.
- Jars, jars. All around, jars. - This is my personal time right now.
You can make an appointment at my office, pay your $40 co-pay...
...I will be happy to answer your questions. - Yes. I'm in. Please.
- Would I have to put my legs in the stirrups? - Why would you?
I'm asking more so out of curiosity than fear. Hashtag "excitement."
- Are you done? - I'm done.
I'll see you, okay? I'm gonna call the office.
Well, thank you guys for the awesome drunk evening and the weirdly sobering end.
Look, I know Sadie freaked you out, but I wanna remind you...
...that at the end of the day, it's all about love.
I mean, I love Sadie. I want my babies to have her beautiful face.
As long as they don't get her big fat man feet. Yuck.
- Fingers crossed we go donor on that one. - Let's make a graceful exit, my love.
Hey, get out of here, you crazy lesbos with your baby-making.
MELISSA: Ha, ha! - Whoa!
I'm married, I'm not dead. Night.
SADIE: Stay in the light tonight, please, huh?
JESS: Drive safely. SADIE: Stay in the light.
[PANTING]
Ninety percent of our eggs, huh? Heh.
That's crazy. I'm panicking. Are you panicking?
God, no. Babies wreck you, Jess.
They literally eat your body.
I'm 30, I'm single, and I just started a new job.
Tonight I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face and then I ate the bread roll.
So I essentially used my face as a butter knife.
I don't think I'm ready to bring new life into the world.
But what if all that's left are the weird eggs? And the evil eggs?
- You have no evil eggs. - I can feel them.
They're turning. They've watched their brothers and sisters die...
...and now they wanna be birthed. I need to be fertilized.
Fertilize me, Los Angeles!
Calm down, all right? You're overreacting.
I am overreacting. You know why? Because I want a family.
I wanna give my nipples a purpose.
- Give my nipples a purpose! MAN: Oh, yeah!
Oh, God, that was a mistake. Duck down. That was a mistake.
We're taking that test.
Well, I think that you guys made a really smart decision coming in here today.
Sadie, once at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for 12 hours.
Any chance that I sunny-side-upped my eggs?
- No, Jess. - Oh. Between the years of 1998 and 2005...
...I used a lot of self tanner. Like, a lot.
- Is that a possibility of doing...? SADIE: Nope.
Here we go.
- I once fell on a pommel horse... - I'm gonna call you when I get the results.
This is good.
I got nothing.
Whoa, whoa. Jess, what are you doing? That's my ketchup collection.
This fertility website says I need to get rid of toxins.
- You put the microwave in the trash? - Yes.
- Why? - Microwaves zap things.
- You can't take my microwave. JESS: I can't risk it.
It's what makes burritos delicious.
You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?
- You're putting me in a tough spot. - Friends, I'm in a real-life sex pickle.
My inability to satisfy Emma has thoroughly rocked me.
I've tried everything.
[R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
- How about now? - Hold on, I'm Shazam-ing this song.
For crying out loud.
Guess what I'm worried about. This sound.
You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus.
I don't need test results to tell me it is The Grapes of Wrath in there.
It is 1930s dust bowl in there, Schmidt.
- And they're all walking with limps. - I can top that easily.
I'm having a hard time with my novel.
Are you literally comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?
I'm a writer, Jess. We create life.
- Ugh! Being a woman sucks. - Preaching to the choir. Women are the worst.
Seriously, can you please stop yelling?
All right, now, it's no big deal, but I'm on an adjusted schedule.
Sorry about this. Jess has lost her mind.
I have not lost my mind. I'm just scared.
Would you trust me? You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna meet somebody and fall in love...
...and then before you know it, you're gonna:
- Pop, pop. Pop. JESS: With who, Nick?
Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?
I'll man up.
But I must warn you, Jess, I don't have sperms, I have tadpoles of the gods.
That's right.
And I'm gonna give them to you.
You can have them all for all I care.
That's how much I love you. I feel your pain.
- I want you to have babies. Take my sperms. - No. It should be me, Jess.
- What? - With your beautiful blue eyes...
...and my Blair Underwood-like skin... - Mm-hm.
...we'd have the most beautiful baby.
He's not wrong.
- Could get into any school it wants. - Mm-hm.
To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me.
It's important that that's been said.
- Good, it's definitely not me. - Because it's definitely not you.
I would love that little baby. With all my heart.
Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear...
...and hitting on the crossing guard. Heh, heh.
- How's the novel? - Good. Haven't written a word.
Wait, are you serious? Nick, it's not that hard.
Just sit down and write. You ain't Hemingway.
You boys are right. I gotta be more like Hemingway.
I lost an egg while you were comparing yourself to the most famous writer of all time.
The reason I have writer's block is I've been living too casual with you clowns.
I need real-life adventure like Ernest Hemingway had at my age.
Man, I gotta run with the bulls.
I gotta kill a man with my bare hands after making sweet love to him...
...and then sleep in the warm belly of his horse.
I gotta eat my way out of a sandwich house.
- How much you know about Hemingway? - Not a lot. But I'm gonna learn.
I'm becoming Ernest Hemingway, you idiots.
Schmidt.
Yo.
Okay, Schmidt. Female pleasure.
Now, here are some diagrams so we can see where you're at.
The vagina. I'm familiar.
Good. Now, what I typically do is I start over here...
...and then I move here once I feel confident that this area has been taken care of.
Yeah, see, that's exactly what I do. I call that "Losing Nemo."
Well, a more advanced move would be... You know what? I'll just show you.
- Sort of come in this way. - No, no. I see what you're doing.
That asymmetry? That's crucial.
Because then what I'll do is, is I'll go outside...
...get the paper, and shake the neighbor's hand.
Interesting.
Then I'll tie a bow on it, because it's birthday time...
...and get onstage and collect my Oscar...
...and say thank you to the people, thank you to the people.
Then get back down offstage and get everybody into the sharing circle...
...right down in there in the sharing circle, then...
[SLAPS DESK]
...spike the volleyball.
Then what I like to do is, I like to arrive at the bridge and meet the troll...
...and then answer his riddles three.
Then what we'll do is, we're dancing. We're just gonna dance.
Dance until you can't dance anymore. Dance until you can't dance anymore.
And then everybody gets a churro.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
- You okay? - Mm-hm.
[SIGHS]
It's the baby hormones. They are not as gay as me.
So I'm good at this, right?
Schmidt, in my professional opinion, you have definitely earned the rank of...
And I will use a phrase you coined. - Vagenius.
Thank you. Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that, Sadie.
[WHISPERS] You gotta go.
Hey, Winston, we're going on an adventure.
We need real-life experience. Like Hemingway.
- Whoo! I feel like Hemingway. - This is life experience?
The zoo is the best we can do. But it's got everything.
It's got life, animals, man, beast.
Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I'm not supposed to be awake because of my...
BOTH: Adjusted schedule.
Hey, man, 13 minutes of sleep. Honestly, seriously, 13 minutes. That's all I got.
You're starting to look like a pillow. All I could think was, "Nick looks exactly like a pillow."
- Hmm? What? NICK: You need sleep.
But I'm out here with you. Okay? I love you and I want you to finish your book.
Okay, but check out where we are.
This is experience. This is what's firing me up to get back to writing.
This is kind of what it's all about.
- Heh. What are you doing? - It's writer's fuel. That's what Hemingway said.
Sadie, um, hey, I just... I just want you to know that I am, um...
I'm like... I'm okay with whatever you tell me.
I'm just like, if you say, "You've got a year," that's fine.
If you say, "You can have kids till you're 80," fine.
If you say, "You are barren," um, I'm... I'm okay with that too.
Um, just, why am I the only one talking? Just lay it on me. What's inside my body?
Everything looks good, Jess. Hormone levels are outstanding.
- What? - These are off the charts for someone your age.
I mean, I don't know how you're walking around with this many eggs.
[IN SOULFUL VOICE] I'm the egg queen. I'm queen of the eggs.
- Cece. - Mm-hm?
You know what? Maybe we should talk in private.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Cece. Cece. Cece, wait. Do you wanna talk?
Jess, you don't get it.
Sadie basically just told me that if I want to have a kid, I have to start right now.
Right now.
I thought I had all of this time.
I didn't wanna have to think about this.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
I made you take the test. What can I do?
Make me a guy so I don't have to worry about this.
You know what? Yes. Yeah.
Let's be guys. Just for today.
Let's care about stupid things and talk about sharks...
...and sci-fi movies and making everything wireless.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Dude, my phone is wireless, my computer's wireless...
...everything's wireless. Yeah.
- You're a terrible guy. JESS: Come on. Ha, ha.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, I'm the best guy. Come on. Come on.
All right.
SCHMIDT: Okay, how was that?
Ahh. Eh.
Why, though, with the "eh"?
Unbeliev... But I played out your most secret fantasy.
French maid handyman does...
- Studio 54. ...Studio 54 busboy.
- I know. It's disappointing. - I killed it.
I picked you because I'd heard you were amazing.
No, no, no. I am. Okay? I know that I am.
I have it on good authority from my model ex-girlfriend...
...and an actual lesbian gynecologist...
...that I know exactly what I'm doing, so it's gotta be you.
It's us. This doesn't work.
When I got divorced, I thought I could go out there...
...and have all these new experiences.
The contract of sex with someone at work who was so far beneath me, you know?
Someone basically just powerless.
I guess I have to feel something.
Okay, see, I'm not like that. I don't even understand that concept.
- My ex-girlfriend, the model? - I know she's a model.
We would have sex and it was just, like, I was happy.
You know, we were connected. I wasn't thinking about anything.
- What is that? - That is love, you idiot.
That's love.
Yuck.
- It sucks. - So I have to be in love to have good sex?
Think about me. I gotta go out in the world and meet people. Date.
You're gonna be great.
- You think? - Yeah.
Consider our sex contract void.
- How am I gonna get the feathers off? - No idea.
Jess and that girl!
[NICK LAUGHS]
Oh, I'm so glad they're here.
Getting a lot of work done?
- Who wins, me versus gorilla? Go. - Gorilla.
- Me versus gorilla. JESS: Gorilla.
- No, but in a contest. - Gorilla.
- Yeah, but in a competition. - Uh, gorilla.
- You don't get it. - Are you just drunk at the zoo right now?
- Let's go look at snakes. - Okay.
- Where are the snakes?! - All day.
You know what? I don't think we should act like the guys.
Jess, what am I gonna do?
[SIGHS]
CECE: What am I gonna tell Robby?
You are Mexican west coast rattlesnakes, and they call you "fangtastic."
[CHUCKLES]
No one ever calls me anything like that.
Nick, what are you doing? This is not life experience, this is procrastination at the zoo.
- I don't think it is. - I need some sleep. I gotta work tonight.
Congratulations, I'm glad you found your passion and that you love what you do...
...but enough, don't throw it in my face. - Is it like that?
- Don't throw it in my face. - I got off my adjusted...
Don't say "adjusted schedule." Super annoying.
- Adjusted schedule. - Stop saying it.
Say it again, I'll let the snakes out.
Adjusted schedule. Let the snakes out.
NICK: I will let...
These guys have done a pretty good job keeping that sealed.
- Nick, you're not a finisher. Not a finisher at all. - I am a finisher.
- That's why you didn't finish law school. - Dude.
Why you're three episodes into Downton Abbey.
Too many characters. It's hard to follow.
I get it, man, you're scared. And that's okay. Be scared.
Just stop wasting my time. I'm tired and I need to sleep.
I wanna work tonight at the job I'm passionate about.
[ELENI MANDELL'S "BUN IN THE OVEN" PLAYING]
ROBBY: I'm glad you called me. I love the zoo.
You think I'm like a bear? I mean, I kind of move like a bear.
And I got that really long, sharp toenail that you love so much.
Hey.
Randa.
It says here you're 43.
Keeping it tight, girl.
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
- What do you think of kids? - I love kids.
- I would like to have children someday. - Someday?
- Well, yeah, like in 10 years or something. - Yeah.
I have a lot of eggs.
Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of sausage.
Yeah, I shouldn't be complaining.
I'll be okay.
- Hey, Winston. - Aah! What?
Sorry to wake you.
- Z Is for Zombie. - What?
I finished my novel. I stayed up for 14 straight hours.
I even peed in water bottles.
We have a bathroom.
Wow, you dedicated it to me.
"To Winston, have a nice summer, hope to see you again..." Really?
I just wanna say, the black guy dies early. His name is William.
But don't take offense. It's a staple of the genre.
I can't take this. Too much anxiety. I'm going to my room.
Hey, Winston, are you reading it?
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
I knew it. I knew you'd choose me to get you pregnant.
- Yep. Let's go. - Jess!
[NICK & JESS LAUGH]
Schmidt?
I may have been in love with Cece.
- You are in love with Cece. - You think?
I have to have feelings to have good sex.
I was hoping I would be dead before this happened.
Hey, why are we all in my room on my bed?
Nick, this is the worst thing I have ever read in my entire life.
You misspelled the word "rhythm" 38 times.
- Z Is for Zombie? - The zombie novel.
"Rhythm" is a tough word. Don't feel bad about that.
- Did you get to the word search? - Yeah.
I put a word search in the novel.
Ha, ha. The joke's on you. There aren't any words in there.
You're just staring at letters, you idiot.
But you know what? You finished it.
And for that, my friend, I'm proud of you.
- Thank you. I did finish. - You finished.
Read it out loud, Winston.
SCHMIDT & JESS [CHANTING]: Read it out loud. Read it out loud.
Okay, I'll read this damn thing.
- You asked for it. - This might be humiliating.
"No one in the sleepy mountain town of 'Ry-thm' City...
...knew what the meteor meant...
...but the one thing Mike Jr. Did have was a whole lot of 'rittims.'
- "Rhythm." - No, yeah.
'Whoa, what bit me in the face? ' Mike Jr. Said to his dad, Mike Sr., who sucks.
Mike Sr. Sucks. It's a major theme throughout this.
Mike Sr. Sucks a whole bunch. More than his neighbor, Rollo.
Never stop reading this.
Zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo.
Who let them zombies out that damn zombie zoo?
'Uh-oh. Watch your back, Laura..."'
I guess Laura is another character that he introduces, but that's it.
WINSTON: And here's a word search. NICK: Yeah, good luck, you idiot. Ripped By mstoll