Hey, fellas.
- Adam! - Adam!
Dude, tomorrow night, get ready for the greatest bachelor party ever planned by man.
Easy. Rachel's not around, is she?
Your fiancee is out front with Rutherford.
Dude, my best man, Jerome, planned the whole thing.
It is gonna be insane!
In my experience, it's best to get our stories straight first.
So, what did you tell Rachel?
Steakhouse dinner with the boys.
Steakhouse dinner. That's a good alibi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get some matchbooks, valet stubs, mints.
- Really build the illusion. - We're gonna need another alibi
just in case the night runs long.
Okay, uh, cap it off with scotch, cigars, Havana Club?
- Think Rachel will buy it? - Yes.
We got drinks, red meat, and cigars.
How could you not buy it?
Let's start right now. Come out and play a song with us.
- You want me to spin with you guys? - Yeah!
All right. Let's do it.
S01E03 Don't Forget About Me
Sync by ninh www.addic7ed.com
Throwing yourself a retirement party.
Yeah. I figured, "why not?"
You are living the dream, Shaun.
Not even 30, and you're retiring? I did something wrong.
- I do everything wrong. - I started writing code when I was 9.
I couldn't legally drive to my own I.P.O.
I spent my entire life working.
Then a few months back, I see my assistant.
She's reading this book... "100 things to do before you die."
I know that book. The author died.
Yeah, but he got to do the 100, you know?
Hiking machu picchu, Scuba diving in the great barrier reef,
menage a trois in Paris.
I am gonna do every single thing on that list.
Live life to the max from now on.
Don't sell yourself short, man. Drinking $10,000 vodka.
I mean, you shot hoops with the leader of the free world.
And that model...
Literally blocking my view of the other model.
Sure, but I never had that best-friends thing, like you guys have.
- Whoa. Who, me and Barry? - Yeah.
We're not best friends. He thinks that we're...
- No. Strict- strictly band friends. - Oh, okay.
We never hang out outside the band.
The usual? You got it, man.
Did you put a lime in your drink so I'd think it was a vodka tonic?
- Okay, yeah, you know what? I did, all right? - Nicely done.
I got gibby detail tomorrow, all right?
We got t-ball, then we got a dinosaur exhibit,
and then we got birthday party at the firehouse, Which should be fun.
All right..."tonic."
Just admit that you're bailing on Adam's pre-bachelor party golf game
so you can go to the firehouse.
All right. You know what? Ingrid was gonna take him, but then, you know,
Janie had a competing party, So we had to switch from zone to man-to-man.
Well, I would just like to point out the fact that you've been using your kids
as a beard to get out of things lately, and I don't like it.
You know, I know a lot of dads who are like that, but I'm not one of them.
You are. You are that dad.
- I'm not that dad. Nope. - Yes, you are.
Really? When's the last time you closed down a bar?
When's the last time you closed down a disney store?
- Lies. Lies. - Your back goes out more than you do.
Do you know that? Okay. All right. You know what? At least I'm not "that guy,"
The one whose primary mode of transport is a skateboard.
- You're that dad. - Well, you're that guy.
At adam's bachelor party,
you better have vodka in that tonic, "tonic."
That's two sneezes. Five more, jackpot.
- Jackpot? - It's common knowledge.
If a woman sneezes seven times in a row, she climaxes.
One more!
This is awesome!
Close, but no sneeze-gasm.
Hey, dude, if you ever need somebody to help,
you know, finish off the stuff on that bucket list,
- Give me a call. - How do you feel about street luging?
For reals?
What's up?
- Hey...There. - Hey.
About tomorrow night.
I just want you to know that, uh, I'm not one of those girls
that gets all freaked out about her fiance having a bachelor party.
- Yeah. - That's a very healthy attitude.
Besides, it's golf and a steakhouse and cigars,
so what could possibly go wrong, right?
I know what you're doing. It's not gonna work.
- Just one request. - Nope.
Because once I help you with a guy thing,
then that door is open and I am your guy advisor.
And you know what? I don't want to be your "guy-sor"
for all of your boyfriend needs, so, no.
If you could just, a little bit, keep an eye on Adam...
Not let him get in trouble. 'cause his best friend comes around
and really worries me, actually.
He's kind of a freak.
Are you seriously asking me to be the mole at your fiance's bachelor party?
- Really? - I think I am,
and I'm trying really hard not to sound needy when I do it.
All right. Fine.
I'll do it this one time, then that door is shut.
Hear me? Forever.
- So what's on tap for your bachelorette party? - I'm not having one.
You don't have to invite me. Probably assumed I had other plans,
that your boss has better things to do than hang out with assistants.
Oh, it's not that. We just don't even have a wedding date yet.
Oh, but Adam gets a bachelor party anyway?
Oh, it's gonna be one of those marriages where he gets a poker night and you don't.
- I don't want to play poker. - Tomorrow, you and I are gonna have a girls' day.
And I won't take "no" for an answer.
- No? - Overruled.
Your generation has so many more opportunities than mine did.
Like, the cool boss. I am gonna be that for you.
Tomorrow is all about you.
Until the Lewis luau at 5:00.
- Hey, baby. - Oh, hey.
I know mallory's kid picks on janie in rock star class,
but don't you think the glock is a bit much?
Ah, work called. Strip-club break-in.
I hate those places... so germy and awful, what they do to those women.
Hair samples, interviewing strippers.
That sounds horrible. Strippers all day.
So, the kids have competing birthday parties today.
Two places at the same time. I'll figure something out.
- You are the man. - And you're the wo-man.
Thank you.
Oh, and I'll be back in plenty of time for you to go to Adam's dinner.
- Great. Thank you. - I don't want you to miss your big steak dinner.
That's all we're doing. Just eating steak.
- Wake up, uncle Tommy! - Push him harder.
I don't have kids. What do you guys want?
Hi. Wow. Who are you?
She's a friend of mine. We had a sleepover.
Just a friend. Just a sleepover.
Gibby, Janie, come on. Away from the sheets and the bed.
I can tell from the charred sheets
that that's probably the fire dancer from last night?
Could have used him, too, by the way, with your hat.
We had a five-alarm. Look at this.
Inappropriate. Look, ingrid got called into work,
and as you know, Janie and Gibby both have parties today.
And I can't believe I'm asking you this.
But I need you to take one of the kids.
All right. I'll take the bigger one.
- Her name's Janie. - I know it's...Janie.
That's it? No resistance? You got it?
Well, you're always talking about how hard it is being a dad.
Today, my friend, I'm gonna prove you wrong.
Okay, rook.
First dy with kids we should probably go over a few ground rules.
Don't get her wet. Don't feed her after midnight.
Yeah. Or she'll destroy the town.
- Oh, you are so funny, man. That's great. - Saw the movie.
But seriously, tommy, rule number one... Never take your eyes off them.
Don't ask me why - you turn your back even for a second,
- kids will disappear. - "Kids defy physics." rule number one.
Rule number two... make sure you never run out of wipes.
What do you mean, "wipes"? Wipes like wipes?
When I was single, I didn't know what wipes were, either.
now I'm all about wipes. They're everything wipes.
So, germs are the enemy here.
Before they touch anything, you wipe it.
And you can never have too many of these.
Perm-a-duck stickers.
Janie right now is all about perm-a-duck, all right?
So she gets a little stubborn, you got to use those to...Negotiate.
Rule number three... "bribe the kid."
- Got it. - Yes. Just don't spend them all at once.
you got to make sure they last all day.
No, I don't need them to last all day 'cause we have golf.
Dude, not a chance, all right?
Janie's got a birthday party after rock star class.
All right? It's miniature golf, if it's any consolation.
- We told Adam we were gonna play golf today. - I knew you were gonna do this.
If you can't handle this, that's fine. Just let me know now.
Don't say that I can't handle... This, because I can.
Thank you, Denzel.
I think training day is over, and I'm ready to fly solo.
All right.
Oh. Hey. Barry. What's up?
- Hey. I'm hiding out from Shaun. - You guys got along so well last night.
That's what I thought, too, But I think it was just the vodka talking.
This bucket-list thing, turns out... terrible idea.
You ever been street luging? Most of my body is road rash.
Next on the list... "tandem skydiving." Ain't gonna happen.
No, I hear you. I had my patrón goggles on last night.
Had that crazy sex you only have when you're completely wasted.
- Wouldn't know. What happened? - Pulled a hammy. Ransacked my place.
Had sex against the shoji screen.
Her ass went right through it.
What kind of Shoji is that? Is that a Kumiko?
No. A Koshita.
Where do you keep your paper?
Sweetie, look at your sheet music here.
Cover these... these three. Those three are an "a."
- Hey, I'm over here. - I know. That's... cover the... those three.
You're looking at Peyton's mom.
- Daddy says she's a "milk." - A milk.
Lot of vitamin d.
Is she married? Do you know? I mean, I don't see a ring.
Can I play "twinkle, twinkle" now?
I have a better idea.
How about we play a game...
of wingman, huh?
Yeah! There we go!
Yep. All smiles. All smiles. Keep them big.
Excuse me. Hi.
Janie's really shy, but she was wondering if Peyton would like to jam.
- "Jam"? - I know, right? That's what she said.
You guys want to go? Go play a little bit? Okay.
Rock on!
I miss her already. Kids, they're amazing.
They're little miracles, aren't they?
- Where's Eddie? - Finally taking a day off. I insisted.
I was like, "you know what? It's too much for you."
I love kids, and it just seemed like a win-win.
You're gonna keep going until I tell you my name, huh?
Janie's in on it, so she'll keep playing along until I give her the signal.
It's Tina. - Hi, Tina.
- Hi. - Tommy. Nice to meet you.
Oh, great. Mallory Milbank.
You have a lot of snacks in here.
- It's a husky boy. - Yeah.
- Seems like a real charmer. - They both are.
She's one of those C.E.O. Moms, sits on every board.
Peta, Pinecomb Country Club, Keckinger's.
- Keckinger's? Seriously? - Yeah.
Hello, Tina.
We missed you at the PTA meeting...again.
Well, I work nights.
Wow. Nelson certainly has grown.
- Top one percentile. - Really? One percent of what?
Hey, that's Peyton's guitar! Give it back.
Guys, guys, hey, listen. No fighting. Okay?
- Everything okay? Are you all right? - Now, Peyton.
Okay, Peyton, looks like somebody needs to learn how to share.
Now, what do you have to say to Nelson?
Hold on. I'm sorry, Mallory. Mallory, I know I'm new.
But much like beer goggles, I think you may be looking
through kid goggles on this one.
- Excuse me? - Obviously Peyton had the guitar, right?
He was here first, and then, um, your son came in...
Size difference. Might want to pick on somebody his own percentile.
Uh, I'm sorry. Who are you?
Just hold that thought just for a second. Please? Sorry.
- Hello? - Hey, are you at the golf course yet?
I'm not at the golf course yet. I am watching Eddie's daughter right now.
- Tommy, you promised me. - I know. I also promised Janie
- that I would take her to a birthday party. - Okay.
I'm not the kind of girl that freaks out over her fiancé having a bachelor party.
You know what? I didn't believe that the first time.
But I do find it essential that you spend the day with Adam the way you promised.
All right. I'll see if we can get out of the party early, okay?
Thank you so much.
Listen, I got to go. Somebody's here.
- Where should I set up the poles? - I'm sorry. What poles?
For our pole-dancing lesson. Who's ready for girls' day?
I am!
Oh. I am.
All right. Let's do this, lady.
Go for Tommy.
I just got the fallout call from Ingrid.
Did you tell Mallory Milbank she has kid goggles? Really?
Yeah, I may have.
Uh, her kid was bullying Peyton, so...
She's the head of the parent org at Green Dolphins, all right?
That means we're, like, joined at the hip until the kids graduate.
You can't do stuff like that.
Eddie, when I see a wrong, I right it. It's my creed.
All right? Besides, that kid is a monster.
The kid is a monster, but still,
You just never tell parents what you think about their kids.
There's, like, no upside. Gibby, stop the jumping.
Actually, there is an upside. I got Tina's number.
Whoa. Tina, like, "PTA Tina"?
- Tina "PTA Tina." - Anyway, how is miniature golf?
I am looking at the windmill as we speak, Eddie,
and it is magnificent.
You know what, though?
There's a serious moat I'm gonna have to hit over.
All right. Thanks, man. I'll see you later.
Later.
I want to go back to Suzie's birthday party. We left before the cake.
I know we did. That's called a "french exit."
See, you make an appearance, and then you leave without saying "goodbye."
Perm-a-duck does it.
I have 10 stickers that says perm-a-duck does.
I don't want stickers. I want cake.
I've got something better than cake.
Hey! That's Suzie's present!
Maybe. Maybe not.
Get what I'm saying?
My very own perm-a-duck doll!
It's our little secret, huh? We got a deal?
- Deal. - Let's do this. Come on.
♪ Hello♪
Yeah! Right?
I got to admit. I'm surprised.
I did not know you were this crafty.
Oh, yeah, man. Years of customizing stage props.
You know, I bet there's a lot of things we don't know about each other.
For instance...
How many bands have you been with?
Counting one-night gigs?
- Probably 75. - What? Come on.
You're like the Wilt Chamberlain of session musicians.
What?! How many bands have you been with?
I'm sure you've had your share.
I've only been with mother of the bride.
It's lame, right?
No, no, no.
You've been able to watch something grow from the beginning, man.
- You got roots. - Yeah.
You know? An identity.
Well, I love those guys, but I sometimes wonder
what it'd be like to have a band hall pass...
You know, just a little something on the side.
Nothing serious. Just like once a year.
Sounds like there's something you're not getting from our band.
What are you missing, Barry?
- Truth? - Yeah.
I want to get out from behind the drum kit.
I want to sing.
- Really? - Yeah.
Nice. You okay? You good?
- Gentlemen, sorry. - What's up, man?
Hey, Cooper. What are you doing here?
T- bag. I am best man, yo. What else would I be?
- You're "Jerome." - Adam's the only one that calls me that.
- High-school thing. Don't worry about it. - Dude, what, do you know everybody?
Okay. Jerome. All right.
I've seen that kid before. What... milk carton?
That's Eddie's daughter.
- Eddie's? - Yeah. You work with him.
No, I love kids. I do. They are adorable.
But you know the reason I love the golf course?
Well, besides the smell of the fresh-cut grass
and Deanna at the pro shop...
No kids.
Dude, it's my day.
It's fine. Just tee up.
Well, all right. Why don't we make this interesting?
- What do you think? - 10 bucks a hole?
Okay. 10 bucks is not interesting. But, um, $20 is.
Okay. Let's do it.
How's, uh... how's Rach?
- Oh, she's awesome. Thank... - I didn't talk to her t...
Okay. Yeah.
Ohh! Geez! Oh! Damn!
Roy Hobbs with a 3 wood over here.
You knocked the beak clean off!
Hey, hey, hey. Janie. Hey, hey, hey.
That... that, uh... that duck is fine.
The beaks are supposed to come off.
They fly better without beaks.
Okay? Quack! Quack!
Poledance is a lot like karate.
I want you to think of me as your pole sensei.
You're gonna start on the white pole,
- work your way up to black pole. - I've got a degree in black pole.
Now, as in any relationship,
The key is establishing trust.
If you're good to your pole,
your pole is gonna be very good to you.
Okay. Let's take some deep breaths.
You are all witnesses.
Okay, let's start with windmill.
Want to reach up as high as you can on the pole with your weak arm.
With your strong arm, you're gonna grab below,
and using your core, kick off, and spin like a ballerina.
Spin like a ballerina.
See? It's easy. And it's fun.
Oh, nice windmill there, roxie.
Just like that. Go ahead. Give it a shot.
Listen. You got to trust the pole.
You got to trust the pole, Rachel. You're not trusting the pole.
- I trust the pole. - No, you're not.
Rachel, feel that pole up in your core.
You know what I'm talking about? You feel that pole in your core?
Inverted carousel! Very nice, Roxie!
Roxie's showing off. Don't pay attention to her. Let's stay focused here.
- I can't do that. - Spin.
Let's see you spin. That's not a spin.
- Spin, bitch! - You know what? This is...
I went to college!
Roxie, I appreciate the intention of girls' day, but I... this is not for me.
You really should take this from somebody who's been married before, okay?
I'm telling you, if you do not keep the relationship exciting,
Adam is gonna wander elsewhere.
I know I did... all three times.
Okay. Give it to me.
I'm gonna try this inverted cowgirl.
Good job. All right. Here we go.
- Think it's dead? - No, no, no. It's not dead.
A couple band-aids, and Mr. Duck will be just fine.
"Fine"? No, if the titleist didn't kill this thing,
the fall definitely did. That duck's as dead as Bambi's mom.
What does "dead" mean?
"Dead" is when...
you stop breathing.
- Like sleeping? - Like sleeping, but with no breathing.
Um, and you don't wake up.
- You never wake up?! - Told you. Tough.
You wake up, but you don't wake up in your bed.
You wake up in... heaven.
That's good.
- What's heaven? - Oh, boy.
Well, that depends on your religion.
- What's religion? - Oh.
You know what christmas is? It's like christmas.
- Christmas is dead? - No!
How did that... I don't know.
You really are reaching with that because that's not...
Here you go. Oh.
Thank you. Eddie. It's Eddie.
That is Eddie calling. That's your dad.
Forget that we had this conversation, okay?
Hello?
Hey, remember when I told you I wasn't the kind of girl
who freaks out over her fiance having a bachelor party?
I do remember that, yes.
Well, totally freaking out.
And it's not even dark yet.
I just got off the phone with Jerome's girlfriend.
- They split up. - Okay.
He didn't say anything about that, so...
Look, I need you to watch Jerome, too.
Listen, I'm a little booked up when it comes to watching people right now.
Well, who knows what he's gonna do tonight? And what if he takes Adam with him when he does?
Okay. All right. All right.
I'll watch Jerome, also.
Act like I never said anything. We never talked.
If only.
Go ahead.
- Where's Janie? - What?
Where's Janie?
Janie!
What about you?
You have any other instruments you're passionate about,
You know, other than the bass?
It's not gonna help my street cred, but, uh...
I love the cello.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, while we're sharing, I play a mean glockenspiel.
Right. We should jam on those sometime, yeah.
We should jam on them right now. We have two hours till the bachelor party.
Come on. We could slip in a quickie.
- Yeah. Come on. Yeah. - Come on. Let's do it.
Janie! She was right there.
- I can't believe you lost a kid. - I did not lose a kid. Stop saying that.
You lost a kid and killed a duck on one hole.
- That's really gonna mess up your handicap. - Hey. Look. There she is.
Oh, looks like little Janie over here joined the Grayson foursome.
See, you take your eyes off of kids for one second.
Thank you so much. Yeah, sure.
Come here.
- Christmas is dead. - Christmas is not dead,
and uncle Tommy is gonna fix everything.
Okay? Thank god you are okay.
- What's god? - That's tough.
Stop it. Don't.
- Hi. - Hey.
Oh. I thought you were Chanice.
- Who's Chanice? - The sitter.
Uh, no. I am the sitter.
I have been babysitting everyone today.
Uncle Tommy killed a duck.
- What duck? - Why are we talking about sitters anyway?
- Isn't Ingrid gonna be home soon? - She's working late tonight.
Tell me about the duck, sweetheart.
Now, I... if you were to guess what time she'd be back...
Let's make things interesting. 10 bucks a guess.
10 bucks a guess. That's great. You taught my 6-year-old daughter how to gamble.
- That's great. - And a french exit.
French... french... that's great.
You! You were out golfing with Adam! I knew it. I knew it.
Rule number four, Tommy, all right, is kids come first.
Janie did come first today.
No, actually, Janie came first,
then Rachel, then Adam, and then Cooper.
Cooper? "Cooper from work" Cooper?
Cooper from work is Adam's best man. Did you know that?
Cooper's Jerome?
Dude, I'm exhausted. I got to... I need to go home.
I need to, like, refuel. I need...
You got to recharge later, man. I need your help with the kids.
Look at this. I need a nap.
Welcome to my world, man.
Crate & Crockery Kids catalog came out,
and some jackass used the summer typeface, so...
- How does this concern me? - It's the autumn catalog.
I have to go into work and fix this, okay?
Look, Chanice is coming in a few hours.
- She's very responsible. - Great.
It'll be fine, all right? Just need you for a little bit, okay?
- Yep. - Oh, yeah. One more thing.
You're gonna have to cook the kids dinner.
All right, Gibby... what's the deal there?
- Is he doing, like, baby food or what? - He's 4.
So, does he have teeth?
- Just cook dinner. - Janie!
Daddy said you're making dinner!
That was, uh... That was good.
Dude, we should do this.
Right.
Yeah, the little side-project thing. Like Jack White and the Raconteurs.
What are we gonna call ourselves... "Glock & Spiel"?
Yeah, I actually love that.
It's a little odd, maybe a little yiddish, but, you know...
- got the buddy-cop thing going on. - Right.
Yeah, we could be that duo that covers duos.
Hall & Oates, Captain & Tennille,
Rob Base, DJ E-Z Rock.
Look, Barry, I got a lot of stuff going on.
I'm not, you know, looking to start something new.
Yeah, no problem, man. We'll slow things down.
Don't have to put a label on it, you know?
But if you, uh, wanted me to design a logo, I could do that.
Screen a t-shirt.
Hello?
Hi. Oh, hey.
Chanice. No, no, no. This is Tommy.
This is Eddie's... this is Eddie's friend.
I...
What's going on?
What time is it?
It's 7:00... 7:15?!
What do you mean? Chanice, no, no, no.
I have to be... you have to get over here.
What do you mean you have appendicitis? You can't have appendicitis.
I need... Chanice, I...
That doesn't... that doesn't work.
You... I... hello?
Hel...
Oh, great.
Eddie.
Great. Awesome, Denzel. Thank you.
Hello...
Hello, Rachel?
Hey. Nope.
I'm pulling up to the steakhouse right now.
I got to go. Bye-bye.
Kids! Hey! Who wants to go to a strip club with uncle Tommy?
- Did I forget wipes? No way. - What are you doing?
Stop it. Stop.
Go ahead, guys. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't come in here with kids!
I don't even have kids, and even I know that's bad parenting.
I'm being responsible. I mean, what...
The sitter canceled. Where am I supposed to leave them...
- at the house or in the car? - 21 and over. No exceptions.
- Look! It's Peyton's mommy! - Let's not...
That is Peyton's mommy.
Watch them. It's our exception. Just watch them.
Barry, make shadow puppets.
Hey. Look at that one. Want shadow puppets?
Hi.
Yeah, there's something I forgot to tell you earlier.
Let me guess... about PTA.
- I only do this to help pay for Green Dolphins. - Hey, listen.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, okay?
- Not with that body. - So you won't tell the other parents?
There's some dads that would kill to know. But, no. Your secret is safe.
Uh, listen, I'm supposed to be playing the bachelor party, okay?
but the kids... their sitter, she got sick.
I'm totally out of options.
Is there any way that you could watch them for me?
I go on break after this song. Bring them around back.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Here we are. Come on in.
Oh, they are the cutest!
- What is your name? - I'm Janie.
My name is Stormy Weather, and this is my friend Cranberry.
We do girl-on-girl together.
That's a little inappropriate.
Hey, want to play dress-up?
Wow! Jessie, Jasmine, little mermaid!
- Do you want to try it on? - No, we're good.
Look, uncle Tommy. I'm a fireman.
Oh, germs. Hold on. Hold... let's just...
Come on, let's wipe... wipe this stuff down.
Tina, can I wear your earring?
Um, that's not for your ear.
- What is that for? - It's a...
Okay. Let's...
Gonna need a lot more wipes today.
Guys, focus for a second, okay? To Adam.
Adam!
For letting me use you and your little engagement thingy
as an excuse to throw a kick-ass bachelor party.
- Am I right? - Cheers.
Hold on. You're not married yet. Okay?
So no surrender, no retreat, and no cellphone pics, guys.
Okay? That stuff comes back.
- Cone of silence. - Cone of silence!
Cone of silence.
- There he is. - Hey. Here I am.
Come on. Come on. Shots. Okay.
To my last night of freedom, theoretically.
Yeah. Freedom is overrated.
Hey, listen.
Why do you think Rachel's not planning our wedding?
You know what? I think it's that whole gynecologist thing.
The last thing they want to do when they get home is talk about work.
I don't know. For a minute there, I just...
I just thought maybe she was interested in somebody else.
No, no, no, no, no. That's... that'd be insane.
Hey, bachelor boy.
Someone ordered you whipped cream with a cranberry on top.
I don't... no, no, no. Nobody...
You. Oh! Guilty!
Excuse me. Hey, what's up, man?
Hey, how did everything work out with Chanice?
Great. Uh...
She had appendicitis.
- Second time. I don't... she's couldn't make it. - Tommy, who's watching the kids?
Tina's, uh, watching them, and they're great.
- They're... they're really happy right now. - Eddie! Hey, my main man!
Hey, Cooper. Not really.
- Hey, let my buy you a dance, yo. - No, yo.
You know what strippers are the best at? Stock tips.
Tina, like, "PTA Tina"? Pta Tina. Stevie! Stevie!
What? Oh!
- Uh, no. Don't, don't, don't. - What?
Oh, don't, don't. No. Don't eat this.
This is spoiled.
I just had some in the V.I.P. Room.
This is the one.
- I'm so... - Awful. Um, yeah.
Hey, uh, T-bag, I'm onto you, okay, so...
- Okay, I don't really like that name. - That's the second time today.
- You don't like that? - No.
Well, I took T-bone and douche bag
and then I ice-blended it, is what I did.
That was an air ball. It was horrible.
Let's get a drink. Vodka, no tonic.
- No tonic. No lime. - I got to grab a waitress.
- We'll play like men this time. - Excuse me, miss.
- No, she's not a waitress. No, she's dancing. - Miss. Yeah, the mermaid.
That looks a lot like Tina, actually.
No, that's crazy, 'cause that's... she has long, red hair.
- Can we get a tonic? - The mermaid is Tina.
It does kind of look like Peyton's mom, but it's not.
Oh, my god. Tommy, where are the kids? It's not.
Eddie, the kids are fine. They're totally supervised.
Where?!
Janie, Gibby?
Daddy, look! I'm a butterfly princess!
Yeah. Yeah, you are.
Ladies! Hey, oh! How about a little lappy dance for my buddy here?
No, no, thank you. Are you kidding me?
Where you guys going? Are you kidding?
Where are all the girls at?
We're taking turns watching the kids.
The kids? What kids?
Guy in your bachelor party brought them.
Are you...
Which one of you ass mules Brought some kids to a bachelor party?!
How dare you call Tommy an ass mule.
And technically, they're my brother's kids.
I'm their uncle. They grow up so fast.
Eddie's kids? Great. Cool.
Okay, you know what?
Tommy is wrecking the entire day.
Come on, man. Tommy's a good guy.
- All right? Rachel says he's cool. - No.
Well, since you brought it up... I didn't... I wasn't gonna mention anything.
- What? - I caught T-bag on the phone with your fiancee
a couple of times today.
Yeah, that means other days, there was probably more.
You know what I mean?
Tommy.
Yeah?
Let me see your phone.
No idea where you're going with this, but have at it.
Rachel?
Five calls. Unreal.
Dude, trust me, this is not what you think it is. All right?
Women freak out about bachelor parties, and I just...
- I happened to be the guy that she's calling. - Okay. Well, why would rachel freak out?
Dude, she doesn't even know we're at a strip club.
- Unless you ratted us out. - Of course not. That's ridiculous.
I...
The natives are getting restless.
Come on, Rachel.
Share.
- I'm cool boss, remember? - No!
I don't want cool boss. I'm exhausted with cool boss. I don't want her.
You need to take a page from the hawaiian huna.
You need to realign your makia.
My fiancé who has been my fiance for a really long time
and is probably growing super impatient of it is out with his self-destructive best friend
who just broke up with his girlfriend
at a strip club where they're surrounded by naked ladies.
I'm well aware of what happens at strip clubs.
And I don't know what my makia is.
What steakhouse did they say they were going to?
Rare.
Okay. There are two strip clubs near there.
One is... whoo... skeezy.
We'll hit the upscale one first and just pray that they're there.
Thanks, Roxie.
Hey, man. What's up?
Not much.
I think I'm ready for that dance.
There he is!
- You like mermaids? - Huh? Whoo-hoo!
Do it again now!? you and me, baby?
Getting horny now! ? you and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals?
Yeah!
Where's Adam?
So, it's your bachelor party, huh?
Yes, it is, but I really would rather not talk about that right now, please.
Whatever you want, sugar. It's your night.
You can just...
I'm sorry. I'm s... I can't do this.
Excuse me?
It's not you, it's me.
Never got "it's not you, it's me" in the V.I.P. Room before.
I really love my fiancee.
She's a lucky lady.
- Ow! - What?
Wait. I'm stuck.
- Oh, my god. - Wait. Don't move.
Ow! It's my nipple ring.
It's... it's caught on your sweater.
- All right. Hold on. - No touching!
House rules. I'll lose my job.
We get dental and medical.
It's Rachel again. It's Rachel again.
She's gonna kill me. I turn my back for two seconds.
- Hey! - Sorry.
Adam's got to be up here somewhere.
Adam?
Dude, don't do this. Okay?
Nothing is going on with Rachel and I.
- I swear. - Hi, Tina.
- Don't make a mistake you can't take back. - What mistake? Huh?
Losing my fiancee or getting stuck on a stripper?
Listen, about getting stuck on a stripper. They get paid for this, man.
I mean, she's not really feeling anything.
My nipple ring is caught on his sweater.
- Oh, you guys are literally stuck together. - Tommy, do you promise
- that nothing's going on with you and Rachel? - I promise nothing happened with me and Rachel.
All right. It's embarrassing.
I'm her "guy-sor."
- Guy advice? - Yes.
Dude, I'm sorry about that.
She's been calling me nonstop because she wants to make sure
that you don't do anything stupid. With a stripper.
Well, Tommy, you did a bang-up job.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
You know, I think if I get in and...
- No touching! - No touching!
- Hey, Roxie. - Hey, Razor.
So, the dressing rooms are back there.
Two-for-one drinks on tuesdays,
and the V.I.P. rooms are up there.
- Hey, Heather. - Hey.
Come on.
C.S.I. drop the cover charge.
Yes, ma'am.
Maybe if you, like, reverse engineered it or something.
- Really good idea. - Do you, like, remember the move
- that you were like... ooh... and then ka-bam! - I doubt she was doing that.
It's not like we rehearse lap dances.
- You don't rehearse them at all? - No.
That's... it's so fluid.
Bless you.
Ohh! Tell me that's not an australian-cashmere sweater.
- I'm allergic. - I don't know. My fiancee gave it to me.
- I'm sorry. - Ohh.
Hey, what's the situ... oh.
Yeah. Tina hooked him like a fish.
Oh, the hazards of body piercing.
Bless you.
- How many sneezes was that? - Four?
Bless you.
It worked!
- Don't see that every day. - Didn't expect that one.
- Adam! - Rachel. This is not what it looks like.
You don't need to worry about when
we're getting married, because we're not.
- No. Please. - The wedding's off.
Did I hear a woman scream?
Hey. What's up, baby? Hi.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Rachel, I am not let you leave this V.I.P.room.
I have heard horror stories about bachelor parties.
I just never thought he would be one of them.
Rachel, I have been your "guy-sor" all day, okay?
All I have seen is a fiance
that is in love with his fiancee.
- Where are our kids? - They're in their jammies, reading stories.
With whom?
Rachel, listen. I got off track today.
I did.
But, please, listen to Tommy. Listen.
I love you. Trust me.
Trust... like the pole.
Go.
What's wrong with you?
I'm actually pretty flexible, too.
Oh. God, I...
I got to call Zoe, make up.
- You're still with Zoe? - Yeah.
Tell her I said "hi."
Just a little help, anyone? I mean...
Can you... Adam, take off your sweater.
Well, I can't touch her, so...
Why is this so, touch your sweater.
Four of you? You couldn't figure this out?
No. I did, and I got yelled at for almost touching.
- I got a little distracted. - Really?
That's good.
A little privacy, please?
I would like to show Adam my new pole-dancing moves.
Your what?
Why didn't we figure that out?
You're what?
- Tommy. Come on. Let's go. - All right. No, it's fine.
Rachel, do that little - the spin.
Go.
For real?
- Shh. - Okay.
I trust you, pole.
Look at that. Strippers with a heart of gold.
My child wearing a boa?
Rachel, the door is closed. No more advice. Remember?
What?
He... he what?!
Okay. Okay. All right.
Yeah. Yeah. I'll be there.
What was that about?
I, uh...
I have to go to a funeral.
Poor Shaun.
Guy retires then dies doing the first thing on his list?
- Yeah, that's why I don't do bucket lists. - That dude went out living life.
How many people can say that?
Hey, guys. You know what? Barry knew Shaun best.
Why don't we let him sing?
Me?
It's a good idea.
Yeah. Drums will be a nice change.
- Go for it, man. - Thanks, buddy.
Go get 'em, dude.
- All right. I get it with the wipes. - Yeah, you do.
Well, at least he didn't die alone.
Pros and cons of tandem skydiving.
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