Hey, Mr. Belvedere, there's two guys outside...
... with a giant box that's got "Happy Birthday" written all over it.
- There it is. - Hey, guys.
Pay up, gentlemen. She's sitting on the couch.
- Yeah, right. You won. - In her uniform.
TGIF marathon on tonight.
- What? - I can't take this anymore.
What is happening?
- I've actually been working on something. - A résumé, maybe?
[CHUCKLES]
[IMITATES URKEL] Did I do that?
Did you say you were "working" on that?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] It's Urkel! - Urkel?
[JESS LAUGHS]
- Urkel, Jess? - It's funny.
It is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.
- No, it is not. - But Urkel?
- Come on. - Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.
Guys, that's crazy. This is objectively hilarious.
I can do any character from an '80s sitcom. Quiz me.
- No. [IMITATES WILLIE TANNER] Oh, ALF!
Don't eat the cat!
[IMITATES BALKl] Get out of the city, cousin Larry Appleton!
[IMITATES FRASIER] I'm Frasier Crane. - No!
The men in suits here, the professionals...
...want to know what the plan is. - I'm a professional too.
Please. You work in a bar. It's a whole different thing.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't know what the plan is, Schmidt.
But I love working at the Casserole Shanty.
Today I got a locker and in 18 months I'm gonna roll into some sweet dental coverage.
So yeah, my job pretty much rules.
Low on bean! Low on bean! I repeat, I'm low on bean!
I'm good on bean!
Would you like to know what I did at my job?
- "Crushed it." - I'm gonna go with "crushed it."
Funny enough, uh, I crushed it.
I crushed it all day today, then I crushed it some more, and then it asked me...
...what I was doing and I told it that I was crushing it.
That's what I do on a daily basis, Jess.
You used to inspire me. I mean, not specifically...
...because I find teaching to be icky but...
You know, in a vague kind of "Look at that go-getter in a brightly-colored sweater" way.
What happened to the inspiring, visor-less Jess?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey, maybe that's her.
Hey, we just moved in across the hall.
I'm Chaz. This is Fife, Sutton and Brorie.
What's up? Schmidt.
Just wanted to give you a heads-up...
...we're having some people over to hang and it might get a little loud.
Like where your head's at. We'll be there with bells on.
Dollar, dollar bells, y'all!
[CHUCKLES]
Well, it's just going to be a bunch of young people.
- So... JESS: Hi.
I live here too. What are your names...? Schmidt!
[SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?
It's Jess
So when he said, "It's just gonna be a bunch of young people"...
...he must have meant, "You," meaning me...
..."fellow young person, will feel right at home...
...and you two walking corpses...
...stay away." - You're six months younger than me, Schmidt.
WINSTON: You're a corpse for sure. - Behold.
This actuarial table stops at age 99...
...but if you track my current trajectory, I'm clearly gonna live till I'm 123 years old.
So hello, robot sex.
- Is this accurate? - No, no, no, Winston.
I spend 49.95 a month on a subscription to an inaccurate real-time actuarial service.
- I think I may have died four years ago. NICK: Oh, yeah? That sucks.
African American male, life expectancy...
...67 years? - Sounds about right.
Minus one year if you frequently question your career choice. Check.
Minus one year if your chosen field offers few opportunities for advancement. Check.
- Double check. NICK: I like getting older.
I feel like I'm finally aging into my personality.
Keep this crap out of my yard!
[ICE CREAM TRUCK PLAYING MELODY]
And turn that nonsense down!
They never did get that Frisbee back.
I used that Frisbee as a dish. Heh-heh-heh.
JESS: Seriously? - I use it for pistachios in my room.
Not only am I the youngest person in this loft, I'm also the most successful.
JESS: Ugh. Shut up. - Are you measuring yourself like a little boy?
Sorry you're not growing anymore like me. Apparently I'll be growing forever.
Like a Jewish Peter Pan. Petya Pan. Peiter Pan.
Pesach Pan.
Take it down a notch before this old man takes you out, makes you pick a switch.
I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS.
As your elder, can I give you a little advice?
SCHMIDT: Sure. NICK: You've kind of gotten under my skin.
Shoot, Gran Torino.
I'm gonna die so soon.
Do you think the neighbors will want four individual casseroles...
...or one large party-size casserole?
Yes, Jess, that's exactly what hip, trendy millennials want to eat: Casserole.
Come on, guys, just tighten up, all right? Think young. What the hell is that smell?
- It's Old Spice. - Old Spice?
Yes, it has "old" in the title, and yes, it's all over my body.
- Take it off. - The Spice is cool.
It's not even a real spice, man.
The Spice is coming back. The guy with the horse?
Don't wear Old Spice.
Classic cologne fight.
SCHMIDT: They're gonna hear! Stop it!
JESS: Guys! - Shh!
Hi.
Zander and Raj went to Pate's thing so tonight's been notched down to a chill hang.
SCHMIDT: Cool. - I'll just put these in...
NICK: Thanks for having us.
- No, can't do this. - Have fun, kids.
SCHMIDT: Party, hip-hop, what's going on, kids? Let's party.
What are you guys doing, huh? What is that?
Is that Top Gun? Oh, look at that. Look at Anthony Eds. The Goose Man.
Unbelievable that he dies in a few scenes.
- Goose dies? - Not cool, man.
No, it's... Look, nobody does an on-screen death like Anthony Eds.
He's like the Hilary Swank of bald men.
- He's like the Hilary Swank of bald... - Hold everything, .
- Is that Cass Shant? - Casserole Shanty? That's where I work.
Your chicken broccoli fuels my night bikes.
I'm very happy to help.
Some of my friends don't appreciate it.
CHAZ: No. - You're just figuring it out.
- Just like us. - Yeah.
I am figuring it out. Thank you, Brorie, I am. I'm just figuring it out. And that's okay.
- What do you do? - I work at home.
- I'm a DJ. - Was I not clear?
I work for a single-national corporation called Associated Strategies.
FIFE: Moo! ALL: Ha, ha!
I know. Yeah, totally, like, I get that.
[SCHMIDT MOOING]
[SCHMIDT LAUGHS]
Right, that's a thing, right? Moo?
Schmidt. You know, whatever...
Jess.
[IMITATES URKEL] Did I do that?
[ALL LAUGHING]
How did you come up with that? Where'd you get that?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] It just came to me. - Where did that come from?
I just thought of it.
- That's how she casseroles. BRORIE: What?
Hey, Nana, Pop-Pop. You missed an unreal hang last night.
- Unreal, with a capital "Un" WINSTON: Really?
Those kids with the found furniture and no TV because it's cool?
It's a different world over there. A world where it's okay to only have a part-time job.
A world where it's okay that I'm still finding myself.
A world where I have not one, but two catchphrases.
Five hundred dollars.
[JESS GASPS]
[IMITATES MICHELLE TANNER] How rude!
[ALL LAUGH]
How rude!
BRORIE: I can't take it!
JESS: They think I made those up.
There's just one tiny hitch.
- It's very awkward, and I don't know how to... - They hate Schmidt.
So much.
- How did you know? - Lf I had a dollar...
...for everybody I couldn't hang out with because they hated Schmidt, I'd be rich.
Like "fill my gas tank all the way up" rich.
He was all over the map. He spent 20 minutes talking about aioli.
- Don't worry about it. I'm on it. - What do you mean, you're on it?
You're gonna prank him, aren't you? I knew it. You're gonna prank him.
Can I help? I'm really good with pranks.
- You cannot help with the pranks. - Why not, man? I'm the best.
- They call me "Prank" Sinatra. - No, you call you Prank Sinatra.
- Because I am. - You're the worst at pranks in the whole world.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
You either go way too small...
Hey. Let's pour a little juice near her shoe.
Or you go way too big.
Hey. Let's hit her in her throat with a ski.
You don't have a pranking sweet spot.
Speaking of...
- Are you limping? - My hip is achy.
I wonder if it's your shoes. Have you tried different shoes?
I try on four different pairs of shoes with every outfit, rain or shine. You know that.
- What did you do? - He could try on a hundred different pairs...
...it's not gonna matter.
The left heel is an eighth of an inch shorter on every single pair.
[WINSTON & NICK LAUGH]
- This is so crazy, Nick. - Oh, my God, you know what we should do?
We should take those shavings and then sprinkle them by his car.
Let me just get this clear. Take the little bit of dust...
- Yes, the... ...and go outside and put it near his car?
- Yes. - That's not a prank.
- Yes, it is. - That's just littering.
- His whole ride to work, he's thinking, "What?" NICK: Okay, you got it.
So we're pranking him so he thinks while we're not around, "What?"
It's too small. You've got to go bigger than that.
Well, anyway, I gotta fill this up with pee.
- Ew! Why? - So I can pour it over Schmidt's bed...
...and make him think he's incontinent.
- That's disgusting, Nick. - Sometimes up close, art is ugly.
Got an idea. Instead of urine, we use acid. Ha-ha.
We put it on his face. All right?
Jess, do these pants seem long to you?
Nick picked them up from the dry-cleaner for me today and I swear they seem longer.
I think your pants look fine.
Okay, Jess, tonight you're obviously gonna want to follow my lead.
I don't know how to tell you this. Actually, I do.
- Um, they hate you. - Heh. That's crazy.
It is crazy, how much they hate you.
Watch. Every time you say something, they're gonna change the subject immediately.
That's how you tell if people hate you.
I'm pretty sure I know how to crush it with the kids.
[GROUP CHATTERING]
Watch this. Hey guys.
What up, yo? Throw your damn hands up. We hanging out tonight?
- Jess, I love your hair. - It is so good today.
Thank you.
- Flowy. - Really curly.
What do you guys think about the length of my sideburns?
Daring or gauche?
I got my plane ticket home for Easter. Thank you for reminding me.
Yeah, no, of course. I've got, like, a little calendar.
You know, I've got a great, um... I've got a great plane-ticket guy.
That you...
We're having another hang tonight, Jess. We got chokes, hula hoop, sitar.
- You should come over. - Yeah.
Totally.
You too, Schmidt.
[CHAZ SIGHS]
Oh, hey, I gotta take this.
Ferguson? Is that you?
Yeah. Tonight? Well...
I mean, I made plans with...
Well, look, if that's the comptroller's timeline, then that's the comptroller's timeline.
Well, hell, yes, send a car!
Jess, do you wanna hula-hoop with me all night-slash-forever?
[ALL CHATTERING]
Oh, gosh.
They hate me.
I've never seen you work this hard at anything ever.
It's because I care so much.
I set an alarm for 5 a.m. So I could switch Schmidt's fiber pills with placebos.
I wanna care about something as much as you do about ruining his life.
NICK: And where have you been all night?
Jumping around to your hippity-hop?
Taking your drug pills and smoking your hash stick?
I'm actually asking. I'm not doing a thing.
Those guys are so much fun!
Now if you'll excuse me, I've been up for 48 hours, so...
...I'm just gonna sleep off an ass-ton of quinoa.
There's no time for sleep.
We gotta find the passion we have in life...
...and we gotta hold on to it. - You're so right.
Just like... I can't believe I'm saying this.
- Just like Nick Miller. - Look at that!
I've never been an inspiration before. I don't like it, it's too much responsibility.
SCHMIDT: Ooh. Ay-yay-yay.
- I am constz-to-the-pizzo. JESS: Hmm?
Constipated. I'm constipated.
Surprising.
Here, sit down, relax, watch some TV.
- What's the chair doing over here? - I just moved it.
Oh, gosh.
[MAN SPEAKING IN LOW VOLUME ON TV]
Turn it down, man, turn it down. It's too loud.
Schmidt, you're blasting the TV, you maniac.
- You can hear that? - It's blasting! Jess is trying to sleep.
You can hear this?
- Uh, yes. - Well, you know what, you were right.
They hate me. And I know why they hate me, it's because I'm old...
...and they're the future of humanity.
A pan-ethnic, pan-sexual hive-mind, and they want nothing to do with me.
They're not that great. Last night, Chaz and Sutton got in a fight.
- A lovers' quarrel? - Sutton and Chaz are not a couple.
Chaz is with Fife, Brorie's with, uh...
- The other broad. - Actually...
...Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad and Chaz is a floater.
They're polyamorous? Damn it!
Jess, you've gotta help me help them forget how old I am.
- You're not old. - Then how do you explain this?
- Use your legs, buddy. Don't hurt your back. - Let me show you something.
Look at this. I'm freaking shrinking!
[WHISPERS] I took a photo of the wall, shrunk it down, made a copy at an architect's office.
From there, it was just your basic spackle-and-silkscreen job.
I don't care, but yay.
It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now. Okay.
[SIGHS]
Jess. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to say.
Please help me be cool.
- Say that one more time. - Oh.
Visor-wearing Jess, will you please help me be cool?
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Okay, listen up. I got 3.5 years to live. I can't be an assistant anymore.
I don't wanna die. I wanna work. Honestly. I wanna work here.
But I gotta follow my passion.
Much like a running back would want...
...when given the ball and in the game of life, this job is the pigskin.
And damn it, I'm in the red zone.
And in summation, I feel...
...very good about what I just said.
Hopefully, you do too.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR, THEN DOOR OPENS]
Who wants to start an arcade fire?
Schmidt, what are you doing?
This is not the outfit we talked about. You way overshot it.
What you talking about? Look at that. I'm being ironic.
Ironic? That's just a bad pun.
What are you doing? Your arms are hot but your neck is cold?
SCHMIDT: Hey, look at me.
You guys keep a tight core, your burpees can look like this too.
When's the Olympics, right, guys?
SCHMIDT: I'm gonna set a PR tonight. - Well, he's not...
Parkour.
[ALL GASP]
You got beer on her, man.
[IMITATES URKEL] Did I do that?
Don't worry, my mom can throw that dress in with my laundry next time she's here.
Sorry. Your mom does your laundry?
Washer/dryer kind of freaks me out. You know, it's like:
Uh! Washer, washer, washer.
- Ga-gunk! Ga-gunk! - On the nose.
You know what, it's fine. I'll wash it myself.
- All right. - Thank you, though.
SUTTON: She's so iconoclastic and modern.
- She even got our dishwasher to work. - I remember.
You know, I mean, I just... It wasn't that big a deal. I just turned it on.
There was a button that said "on."
Weird how the dishwasher lives under the counter.
- How come there's no dish dryer? FIFE: Or un-washer?
Oh, my God, you guys, are we the dish un-washers?
CHAZ: Why don't we just move to Prague? - I need to focus on my art.
You can totally focus on your art in Prague.
CHAZ: If we move to Prague, should I paint my nails black?
Hey, you guys.
Um, I can't hang out with you anymore.
- Why not? - Because...
...our entire relationship's built on a lie.
CHAZ: Jess, what are you talking about? - I did not make up:
"Did I do that?"
- Jess, don't... - I have to introduce you...
- Don't do it. ...to a little, adorable...
...African-American nerd. - Don't press the button.
Don't...
[CELL PHONES BEEP]
Jess, why would you do this to us?
Who's Steve Urkelli?
Jess, what the hell was that?
You were supposed to teach me how to be cool. Look what I'm wearing.
You didn't listen to anything I said. I told you to stop trying so hard.
I will never stop trying. I don't care if I have to do a billion burpees.
That is how you crush, you never give up. That is the difference between me and you.
[JESS SCOFFS]
Is that what you think? You think I gave up?
- Well... - I was fired, Schmidt.
Do you think I wanted to stop teaching?
That's why I liked hanging out with those kids...
...because they weren't judging me for "not crushing it."
- Okay... - You think that I want to work...
...at the Casserole Shanty?
Do you know what the people I work with call it?
The "Asserole Shanty."
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Just don't stop teaching.
I mean, there's gotta be something.
- I don't know, drivers ed, CPR. - Oh, God.
A smile class.
- My life sucks so much right now. - Ha, ha.
But at least I'm not 23.
At least I own a trash can.
At least I can legally rent a car.
At least I don't live in a loft with three other...
- You live with us. - But I live with you guys.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Jess.
We don't care if you stole your catchphrase from some low-budget web series.
We still wanna hang out.
[NICK COUGHING AND HACKING]
Don't trust your government, kids. Ahem.
Oh, my God, it's the old man from the stairs.
- I thought he died. - Let's get out before his robe opens.
He's gonna get his old on you.
- Get out while you can! - Hey, hey, Charles.
That decrepit thing that just walked by, now, that's old.
You can hate him for being old, but you can't hate me.
We don't hate you for being old.
We hate you because you're a viciously unbearable ass-head.
Seriously?
- That's a... Come here. - Get off!
- Ass-head. - Ass-head! Yeah!
- I'm not gonna drink it all. - Guys, I am an ass-head.
They don't hate me because I'm old, it's because of my personality.
I can totally change my personality.
Congratulations, Schmidt. That... That's weird news.
SCHMIDT: Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at a brand-new man.
A man who has proved so capable of talking about so little for so long...
...is now the producer of his very own sports talk show.
- No way! - What?
- That's right, that's right. NICK: Wow!
- It's halftime in America! - Man, that's amazing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, 2:35 to 5:35 a.m.
Boom! Primetime for truckers.
[HONKING]
- That's awesome. He's got something. - Yes.
In other news, I just spent three days trying to impress people who don't own bed frames.
If it makes you feel better...
...I spent two days pouring urine on a grown man's sheets.
Can you imagine how much we'd get done...
...if we just focused our energy onto something a little more worthwhile?
- Not to mention the money we'd save. Heh, heh. - I know. Wait, what money?
I mean, I've been running the numbers on this, I think I spent 1200 to 1300 dollars.
- What? - On those pranks, yeah.
- What? - And I was under budget.
Under budget?
You think fake contact lenses are free? They are not, sister.
- You don't have that kind of money. - I know.
- Where are you gonna get it? - Doesn't matter, I had to prank Schmidt.
Ha, ha. I did.
- Holy crap. I need a real job. - Yeah, you do.
Don't you ever prank me!
Of course, you got it.
You'll never see it coming.
- This is like the end of a horror movie. - Or the beginning of a pranking movie.
- There are no pranking movies. - Yet. Get out of here.
[MOUTHS] You'll never see it coming.
This prescription is blurry.
Hi, Schmidt.
Is that you in tailored, grown-up clothing?
Yeah. Mama's gonna ride this blazer all the way to a tutoring job.
Thank goodness. Almost thought I was gonna have to loan you money.
Well, I said tutoring job, not venture capitalist.
- Proud of you nonetheless. - Thanks.
What the hell?
All right, Nick. Very funny.
- Quite the prankster you are. - Ha!
I'm gonna hit your ass with a ski!
- Winston? - Get some. Ripped By mstoll