So far this semester, our report cards read:
Looking cool, C-minus, hooking up with girls... That is my stomach.
F.
Second base.
Making fools of ourselves, A.
A.
Simon.
A-plus.
But today was field trip day, though due to budget cuts,
what was supposed to be a visit to a Civil War battlefield was now a night away
at Jed and Jim's Civil War experience.
All right, everybody, let's get on the bus.
There's no history where we're going.
Gettysburg, bull run-- those are field trips.
I've never even heard of this battle.
I've never even heard of this war.
[Giggles]
I can't believe we were ripped from class for this.
Two words: Overnighter.
They're taking us to a place where anything can happen.
Virginities lost.
Trashed hotel rooms.
People could die out there.
It's a Civil War battlefield.
People better have died out there, or else I want
my frickin' activity fee back.
Do you think we'll be able to sneak out of our rooms at night?
Hell, yeah, but not to hook up with the skanks here.
Schools from all over the state descend on this battlefield,
and I will descend on their ladies with musket in hand, or should I say,
musket in their [Bleep]!
[Laughing]
Cartwright!
What the hell is that?
This is for motion sickness.
There are magnets on it, motion magnets.
I get bus sick.
How do you get motion sickness from a bus but not in a car or a rollercoaster?
It's a class thing.
Ugh.
[Giggling]
Get out of our seats.
[Bus engine revving]
Oh, God.
Move, Neil.
Okay if I sit here?
[Whistles]
Hey, girl.
You ever sit on a chamber?
Great.
Four hours of these idiots.
Are you okay?
It's fine if you want to talk.
Just don't ask me anything I need to respond to.
Are you serious?
Okay.
I'm Lauren.
I knew that she was hot, and I knew that by some miracle, she had chosen
to sit next to me.
But I also knew if I tried to talk to her, I'd cover her in vomit.
[Toy bugle tooting]
But somehow I'd survived the trip, mainly by staring
at the horizon and counting factory outlets.
Dude, you lucked out.
I know.
Four hours, 13 minutes, and only two barely noticeable dry heaves.
I'm talking about the girl.
Who is she?
New girl, I guess.
Lauren?
You don't know anything?
You had that girl captive.
I just kept my eyes on the horizon.
Scare the new girl off yet?
I knew you'd weird her out with your face, personality, dumb pants.
Great talk.
Next time I'm open to questions.
How did you make her talk to you?
It's the bracelet.
It's a chick magnet.
What did you talk about?
I don't know.
I didn't say anything.
Ah, that's the play.
You listened.
No, I didn't do that either.
The whole time I was completely ignoring her, too busy stabilizing myself.
Well, then of course she likes you.
Girls love jerks.
You pay them no attention, and they want it more.
Dude, you got to keep this up.
Keep what up?
Stay sick.
She thinks it's cool.
I can't stay sick when I'm on solid ground.
I can help.
What? No.
Neil, Neil.
The things we do to look cool.
Whoa.
[Lively rock music]
♪ When the morning comes all right, grove high calvary, the school has
contracted us to provide food, shelter, and education
we intend to make a profit.
These vouchers are for food only.
Only food.
They're not to be used to buy contraband such as cigarettes or alcohol
from eager local weirdos who will sell or barter for anything.
Bon appe-titties.
Did you hear that?
We can use these to buy alcohol.
Yeah, you can.
No, he said we can't.
That was the whole point.
The Civil War.
Why are you saying it like that?
Yeah, it's not civil like they were polite.
I'm just reminding myself what it's called.
You really never heard of this war?
Maybe it was the day I was out sick.
It wasn't a day.
Hey, shut up.
She's coming.
Oh, seasick.
Seasick.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Ready to heckle some reenactors?
Oh, I was born to heckle reenactors because you have
to be a bit of a history buff for all those insults to land.
Muskets and bunker hill.
Look at all those words tumble out.
How about the rest of you?
Do your mouths work?
Huh?
Sometimes mine works too well.
I didn't mean it like that.
I mean, like, when I talk too much.
Usually explaining something I don't need to explain.
But, yeah, it works.
Good old mouth.
He wouldn't shut up, and his words were tumbling out so much better than mine.
You're sitting on the spot where the confederate army may have resupplied, oh,
these many years ago.
Only they didn't have the luxury of having a beautiful
gift shop such as the one you have right behind you, where they could resupply
on candy bars and picture pennies.
But on some spot, not this one.
The Civil War was fiercely raging.
Or as I like to call it, the war of northern aggression.
You've lost!
Not today.
Boom!
Lord, I've seen the glory!
They got me!
Oh, no!
My death is for nothing!
We lost!
Thank you.
That was a reenactment.
That's not real blood.
That was ketchup.
The guns aren't real.
They can't hurt anyone.
[Grunts]
The knife part on the end can hurt you.
[Groaning]
Well, the point is, the Civil War really did pit brother versus brother.
We were fighting ourselves?
You're the perfect audience for this.
And these are the kind of battles you're gonna be witnessing and participating
in today.
That's right.
You guys are gonna be battling it out in the aisles of the gift shop,
trying to see who can get the better deal.
Both: ♪ oh ♪ what carries magnets ♪ and key chains galore?
♪ What opens at 10:00?
♪ And closes at 4:00?
♪ What takes a war ♪ and makes it a store both: ♪ the old gift shop
[toy bugle tooting]
And, lo, the reenactment raged.
Charge!
[People shouting]
But the true horror of war wasn't taking place on the battlefield.
It was happening right behind me.
Oh!
Take cover.
They're resupplying.
And like those soldiers of yore, I too felt the betrayal of a brother,
which hurt almost as much as the betrayal of Neil.
Brother versus brother!
[Dramatic choral music]
Resupply, bitches!
Resupply!
This whole recreation thing is a farce.
Half the people are dressed as Germans.
I think I saw Darth Maul out there.
And Simon is totally stealing Lauren, and it's your fault.
You told me to act cool around Lauren, and look what it did.
Good for him.
It's about time he got over Carly.
Yeah, but not with Lauren.
She's mine.
I did everything you said, and it didn't work.
It's not my fault you're completely incapable of even acting cool.
I mean, look at you.
You went to the nurse for a tiny scrape.
It still needs to be disinfected.
This might sting a little.
Is that apple juice?
You know I'm not a real nurse, right?
[Laughs]
I think it's fine.
Great.
You know, maybe this thing is a blessing in disguise.
We're here to learn, not meet girls, right?
But Jay had met a girl.
Jay?
[Stirring string music]
Hello, there, um, girl.
What are you doing?
Just reenacting.
Cool.
Do you like war?
I mean, do you like to pretend to kill people?
What?
You're blowing it.
[Chuckling] No, silly.
It's just that there's nothing to do out here.
And school is so boring.
I hate it.
Ugh.
You're amazing.
[Giggles]
While Jay was winning over the girl of his dreams,
I was still nursing my wounds.
Get out of here.
You're disgusting.
♪ It's always such a trial ♪
♪ it's always such a shame ♪
[Giggling]
I'm in love.
[Giggles]
Really? Where is she?
Oh, she had to go find her class.
Blegh.
It's this thing she does.
It's silly.
Oh, my God, you really like this girl.
Yeah, I do.
Ooh, girlfriend.
Jay girlfriend.
Oh!
That would be amazing.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Ooh-- well, this is no fun.
Hey.
There she is.
There's the girl I'm gonna marry.
She's cute.
All right, Monroe middle school, everyone find your lawn buddies and follow me.
Come on, everyone.
Line up.
She's in middle school?
This just got fun again.
[Laughter]
Surprisingly, the lodge turned out to be very accurate to the period.
It was a poorly built, un-air conditioned shack.
Gross.
We should gather up some soldiers and storm the comfort inn.
We could, but if we do a night attack, we'll need a brigade.
And we should flank up if we don't want the goddamn militia to get wind.
Neil, are you learning?
I don't know what's happening to me.
It's this Civil War.
I just can't get enough.
Lauren's great, isn't she?
And I think she really likes me.
Too bad it's not relevant.
And the amazing thing is, I didn't even have to do anything.
Seems to me like you did a lot.
What do you mean?
Well, I saw her first.
You encouraged me, and then you swooped in there.
Okay, what do you guys think if I were to, I don't know, hypothetically ask out
a seventh grader, right?
It wouldn't be that crazy because when she's 73, I'd be 75.
You can't be serious.
Of course not.
That would be, pfff, insane.
But legally speaking-- no, not you, but, yes, you too.
That's crazy.
No, you, will.
You never told me you liked her.
You've actually been ignoring her.
Because Jay told me to.
But it was my fault.
I took advice from a guy now dating a 13-year-old.
So you do think it's okay.
[Knocking on door]
Hey.
Some guy gave this to me for my breakfast voucher.
Oh, if you give them a dinner voucher, they'll give it to you in a boot.
I think there's a party down the hall.
You want to go?
Yeah, sure.
Sure, I'll go with you.
No.
I have some statutes to read.
I have a better offer.
Jim Remis invited me to hang out with him and company six.
[Both chortling]
Lauren, I was just telling Simon the story of how you and I met.
First.
Oh, you mean this morning when we sat next to each other
on the bus and you didn't talk to me?
Yeah.
Not much of a story.
Could be the beginning of a story.
Or the ending of one.
Or told in reverse, memento style.
Either way, it was going somewhere.
[Knocking on door]
I really think you should go.
I'm doing fine.
Mm.
What?
We're for the party.
There's no party here.
Whoo!
Great party, Donovan!
Well, we have alcohol and a girl.
No, you don't.
Well, we still have our girl.
I'm kind of beat, actually.
Simon, will you walk me to my room?
Sure.
Okay.
Bri!
I'm gonna get you.
[Kids laughing and shouting]
Lights out.
Come on.
Back to your bunk.
[Kids shouting]
So wrong.
Good night, Simon.
Oh.
Good night to you, too, Lauren.
Simon, we better be getting along now.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go, so here I am, going.
Just kidding.
Never leave you.
Never abandon a friend.
True friend always puts his other friends first.
If I had known it was going to go on this long, obviously I would have left
in the beginning.
But I was committed.
So were they.
So tomorrow you'll sit with me on the ride home?
Of course.
We'll have to sit all the way in the back to accommodate
all three of us, won't we?
Oh, all hugged out?
Yeah, it's been a long day.
Hey, hey, bye, bye, bye.
Okay, but you could just-- okay, love you.
I may have lost the battle, but the war wasn't over, especially not for Neil.
All: ♪ what carries magnets ♪ and chain--key chains ♪ galore
♪ what opens at 10:00
♪ and yet closes at 4:00
♪ the old gift shop [Chuckling]
Hey, these guys are the most amazing storytellers.
Jim told me how Atlanta fell, and then Donny acted out Lee's surrender.
And general beauregard is just a cool cat.
You're really learning a lot on this trip, aren't you?
Yeah, I learned that in the darkest hour of our nation's history,
Lincoln brought us all together to lead us to a better future.
Sure, I guess he would have.
What do you mean?
I mean if he hadn't been shot in the head.
This is a joke, right?
No, not a joke.
He was assassinated.
Pfff! Pow!
What?
No! Why?
And now the conclusion of The Inbetweeners.
[Baby squealing]
[Toy bugle tooting]
Thank you, private.
We hope you all had a good time.
If you'd like to learn more about the Civil War,
you can just go to our website and click on the gift shop link.
There's all kinds of books on the subject, including one
written by our very own Jed Remis.
That's right.
It's like a Civil War "Choose your own adventure."
You choose who wins... the Civil War.
All right, the war still rages.
[Grunts]
Let's go, troops.
Keep it real.
[Shouting]
Come on!
Come on, general beauregard!
The field trip was over, and Simon was about to siege the last
of my territory:
The bus where Lauren and I met.
I needed a miracle.
Hey, Simon.
And then I got one.
You want to sit with me on the way back?
Sorry.
Simon can't.
He's sitting with his new girlfriend.
Girlfriend?
That new girl?
Lauren--I wouldn't say she's--I mean, we just met.
She's a little edgy for you.
Interesting.
She's not my girlfriend.
Then you're free to sit with Carly, right?
I am?
Or a football player could, I suppose.
I am.
I--I would love to sit with you.
Okay.
Cool.
So a little light manipulation with my best friend
and I was back in.
I hadn't given up yet.
And apparently neither had Jay.
It's not illegal.
Will!
It's not illegal.
Not till I'm 16, but then I just wait two years,
'cause she'll be 16
and I'll be 18, and then we can get married.
It's gonna be wonderful!
That's a lot of math for a 13-year-old.
Bri!
Bri, I'm getting on the bus!
[Girls screaming]
I'm getting on the bus!
You're not in our grade.
Shut your mouth, little boy!
Since everyone but me had traded their vouchers
for alcohol, for once I wasn't the sickest one on the bus.
Will, hi. Sorry.
I'm saving this seat for-- Oh, Simon?
Bad news.
He's gotten back together with his Winnie Cooper back there.
Really?
Yeah.
He's kind of a player.
Really?
Oh, no, he's not really a player.
He's devoted to that girl.
Lauren, I mean, it just-- yeah.
Should have stuck with that.
I'm sorry I took you away from that girl.
I don't even know why I said she was edgy.
Probably because she has holes in her t-shirt and she's
gluten-free.
That's okay.
This is nice, right?
Oh, God, yes.
It's so nice just to sit next to a normal friend
who knows that sitting next to a girl is not an invitation
to ask her out.
Totally.
[Chortles]
With Simon out, I had everything in my grasp.
I didn't need any gimmicks or schemes, just four hours
to wear her down.
[Bus starts up]
Is that for car sickness?
Not everyone's heard of them.
A lot of debate in the motion sciences.
You are my savior.
I drank free booze.
Well, sitting next to you is making me feel better already.
M'lady.
Are you okay?
You look a little sick.
Yeah.
I'm okay.
My face just usually looks like this.
Are you sure you're okay?
Never been better.
[Panting]
Oh.
You know, I'm gonna hit the bathroom, and then we'll go back
to no more questions.
It turns out there is a precarious balance between cool and sick.
[Retches]
They say all's fair in love and war, but in my experience,
nothing is fair.
You can't win by pretending to be cool or pretending to be sick.
You can only be yourself.
♪ Dreaming of the roots ♪ we might have known
♪ stumbling along are we ♪ the hazy lions ♪ hazy lions, oh
even if that means accepting overwhelming, uncompromising defeat.
Next on The Inbetweeners...
I have a sick lead on a party tonight.
They're 12.
That's my girl you're talking about.
Can Carly see us?
No, no, don't worry.
I want her to see us.
Simon?
Sorry to pull you away from your skank.
Great date.
Very well thought out.
We're sort of a package deal.
Emphasis on package.