1
00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:08,033
[phone ringing]
2
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:14,234
Uh, my son told me
that our mom got
picked up for speeding.
3
00:00:14,234 --> 00:00:16,033
Just a minute, ma'am.
4
00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:17,734
It's a good thing
you caught her.
5
00:00:17,734 --> 00:00:20,033
I mean, these elderly
ladies in Dodge Darts
6
00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:22,534
have been terrorizing
our community long enough.
7
00:00:22,534 --> 00:00:24,968
Roseanne, maybe we don't
have to bail her out.
8
00:00:24,968 --> 00:00:27,834
We could just, like, pretend
we didn't get the call.
9
00:00:27,834 --> 00:00:29,534
Jackie, we've got
to get Mom out of there
10
00:00:29,534 --> 00:00:33,033
before those other prisoners
start passing her around
like a pack of smokes.
11
00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:35,667
Let me talk
to the guy, then.
12
00:00:35,667 --> 00:00:37,868
I did wear the blue.
13
00:00:37,868 --> 00:00:40,534
Sergeant Dickson,
J. Harris.
14
00:00:40,534 --> 00:00:42,067
Ex-officer, retired.
15
00:00:42,067 --> 00:00:43,734
We are here to
retrieve our mother,
16
00:00:43,734 --> 00:00:45,734
one Harris comma Beverly.
17
00:00:45,734 --> 00:00:47,667
Female, Caucasian.
18
00:00:47,667 --> 00:00:50,801
I said, just a minute.
19
00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:52,667
10-4.
20
00:00:56,734 --> 00:00:58,300
Said he'd be with us
in just a minute.
21
00:01:00,167 --> 00:01:01,667
I can't believe
Mom was speeding!
22
00:01:01,667 --> 00:01:02,834
She does everything slow.
23
00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:04,434
She walks slow.
She eats slow.
24
00:01:04,434 --> 00:01:06,968
She dies slow.
25
00:01:06,968 --> 00:01:08,634
All right, let's see.
26
00:01:08,634 --> 00:01:12,567
Harris...
comma Beverly.
27
00:01:12,567 --> 00:01:14,534
She had a minor accident.
28
00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:18,534
She's fine, but we had to
detain her for drunk driving.
29
00:01:18,534 --> 00:01:19,734
What?
30
00:01:19,734 --> 00:01:21,234
That huge liar!
31
00:01:21,234 --> 00:01:23,601
Drunk driving?
That's a felony!
32
00:01:23,601 --> 00:01:26,667
It is a felony, isn't it?
33
00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:30,167
Well, I hope you didn't find
the drugs she keeps
stashed up her butt.
34
00:01:33,167 --> 00:01:38,067
Oh, my goodness, girls,
the way they treat
an old lady who was speeding.
35
00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:40,234
Was she belligerent?
Did you have to beat her?
36
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:44,534
This has been
so degrading.
37
00:01:44,534 --> 00:01:48,133
They even took
my shoelaces and belt
so I wouldn't hurt myself.
38
00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:50,868
Well, wasn't there
a sheet you could use?
39
00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:54,767
Roseanne, why are
you so rude to me?
40
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:56,968
What do you mean
by driving drunk?
41
00:01:56,968 --> 00:01:59,000
If you want to kill
yourself, that's fine,
44
00:02:05,133 --> 00:02:08,934
It's not true!
I wasn't drunk!
45
00:02:08,934 --> 00:02:10,767
What's going to
happen to me?
46
00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:12,100
Well, usually on
a first offense,
47
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:13,968
they give you probation
and make you go to AA.
48
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,033
What?
49
00:02:15,033 --> 00:02:16,067
I'm not an alcoholic!
50
00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:18,033
I only had
one glass of wine!
51
00:02:18,033 --> 00:02:19,701
Well, it doesn't count
as one glass
52
00:02:19,701 --> 00:02:22,267
if you refill it 10 times.
53
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:23,801
Here's her mugshot, sergeant.
54
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:25,868
Oh, my God, can I get
those in wallet size?
55
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:31,167
Come on, Dino.
Frank and Sammy are
waiting in the car.
56
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:33,067
So if you can't
give me the picture,
57
00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:34,434
can I just get
the numbers off the bottom?
58
00:02:34,434 --> 00:02:36,634
I want to play the lotto.
59
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,033
** [blues rock]
60
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:23,601
[laughing]
61
00:03:31,968 --> 00:03:35,801
Well, I always wondered what
an AA meeting looked like.
62
00:03:35,801 --> 00:03:38,000
Yeah, it should be interesting
to see how many of these people
63
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,067
Mom sends screaming
back to the sauce.
64
00:03:41,801 --> 00:03:44,567
This is so degrading.
65
00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:46,501
I don't even know
why I'm here.
66
00:03:46,501 --> 00:03:48,400
Well, then, let me remind you.
67
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,400
Glug, glug, glug, glug,
glug, glug, glug.
68
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,534
I'm not an alcoholic.
69
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:54,801
Yes, we know.
70
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,701
We are only here to get
your license back.
71
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,267
Relax, Mom.
You'll have fun.
72
00:04:01,267 --> 00:04:04,000
These are party people.
73
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,667
Hi, welcome to our meeting.
I'm the speaker tonight.
74
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:09,334
Oh, you're Margaret D.
75
00:04:09,334 --> 00:04:10,400
Mm-hmm.
76
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,934
Well, I'm Roseanne C.
77
00:04:11,934 --> 00:04:14,167
This is Jackie O.
78
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:20,701
And that's our mother,
Beverly Lorraine Harris.
79
00:04:23,234 --> 00:04:25,467
I'm going to
powder my nose.
80
00:04:26,801 --> 00:04:29,067
Huge cokehead.
81
00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:35,334
Well, I'm four years sober.
How much time do you have?
82
00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:37,267
Oh, well,
I'm three
months pregnant,
83
00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:38,701
so...
84
00:04:38,701 --> 00:04:40,300
It's about
two weeks for me.
85
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:41,467
[laughs]
86
00:04:41,467 --> 00:04:43,067
How much time
you got, Jackie?
87
00:04:43,067 --> 00:04:45,234
She's just kidding.
We're not really alcoholics.
88
00:04:45,234 --> 00:04:49,167
Oh, well, you do know
that these meetings are
only for people in recovery?
89
00:04:50,467 --> 00:04:52,400
Now, Jackie, you don't
have to lie to her
90
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,634
about how rough
your life has been.
91
00:04:54,634 --> 00:04:57,834
She's 22 years-old.
92
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,968
There's nothing
to be ashamed of.
93
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,501
We've all hit
rock bottom.
94
00:05:02,501 --> 00:05:04,200
Well, I'm clean now.
95
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,267
And what I'm most proud of
96
00:05:06,267 --> 00:05:08,200
is that I was able
to quit drinking
97
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,834
without gaining
a ton of weight.
98
00:05:14,667 --> 00:05:17,934
Well, one day at a time.
99
00:05:17,934 --> 00:05:20,801
And a Welcome Back, Kotter
to you, too.
100
00:05:20,801 --> 00:05:21,801
[laughs]
101
00:05:21,801 --> 00:05:23,000
Oh, my God!
102
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,334
What?
It's Leon!
103
00:05:30,033 --> 00:05:31,934
Hey, Roseanne!
104
00:05:31,934 --> 00:05:34,534
Wow, I must have stumbled
into the wrong room.
105
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:36,601
Is this overeaters anonymous?
106
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:41,968
Well, gee, Leon, I always kind
of figured you for an alky.
107
00:05:41,968 --> 00:05:44,067
I guess you'd have
to be pretty drunk
108
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:45,667
to do what you do in bed.
109
00:05:47,934 --> 00:05:51,367
Yeah, I've noticed that
Dan drinks quite a bit, too.
110
00:05:52,968 --> 00:05:55,901
Pretty quick for a rummy.
111
00:05:55,901 --> 00:05:59,434
You know, your feeble
attempts at wit don't
bother me, Roseanne.
112
00:05:59,434 --> 00:06:01,667
These people are
the world to me.
113
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:05,400
They're kind,
supportive, caring.
114
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:09,100
And you on the other hand
are cruel, vindictive,
115
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:13,167
and poorly dressed.
116
00:06:13,167 --> 00:06:17,067
No, Leon, they do not have
Whites Only AA.
117
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:31,267
[all]
Keep coming back.
It works.
118
00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:34,801
Oh, man, how depressing
were those stories?
119
00:06:34,801 --> 00:06:36,534
That last guy
was the worst.
120
00:06:36,534 --> 00:06:39,167
Imagine passing out
on the train tracks.
121
00:06:39,167 --> 00:06:42,901
You think he would've
learned his lesson
after he lost that first arm.
122
00:06:45,801 --> 00:06:48,767
Come on, Mom.
Let's get your thing
signed for the judge.
123
00:06:48,767 --> 00:06:49,767
Mom.
124
00:06:49,767 --> 00:06:52,434
I'm one of these people.
125
00:06:54,167 --> 00:06:55,167
What are you talking about?
126
00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:57,601
It's true, I'm an alcoholic.
127
00:06:57,601 --> 00:07:01,968
I just didn't realize it
until I heard all
these people talking.
128
00:07:01,968 --> 00:07:05,200
C'mon, Mom, is this gonna be
like when you saw Witness
129
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,934
and thought you were Amish?
130
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:10,701
I drink every day.
131
00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:14,400
I drink whenever
I'm alone.
132
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,601
I am an alcoholic.
133
00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:21,400
My God, I can't believe
all these years...
134
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,501
Mom's a drunk.
135
00:07:23,501 --> 00:07:25,634
Yeah, you think she would
have been more fun.
136
00:07:31,734 --> 00:07:33,367
It's true, Roseanne.
137
00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:36,634
This week of sobriety has
been the best of my life.
138
00:07:36,634 --> 00:07:41,767
Every day and in every way,
I'm getting better and better.
139
00:07:41,767 --> 00:07:44,300
Of course, that's due
to my higher power.
140
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:48,167
Oh, Mom, thank you, but
I can't take all the credit.
141
00:07:49,567 --> 00:07:53,100
It's been so long since
we made gingerbread cookies.
142
00:07:54,901 --> 00:07:58,200
It's very sweet of you
to take time off to spend
the afternoon
143
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,033
with your old,
alcoholic grandma.
144
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:03,968
Yeah, well, Mom misled me.
145
00:08:03,968 --> 00:08:06,801
I thought she meant
we would be drinking.
146
00:08:06,801 --> 00:08:08,200
You know, Mom,
just last night,
147
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:11,300
Darlene was asking me
if there was any downside
148
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:12,501
to drinking at all?
149
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:17,501
You're at a very
critical age, Darlene.
150
00:08:17,501 --> 00:08:20,067
You've got to look out
for these good time Charlies
151
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,968
who want to ply
a girl with liquor.
152
00:08:22,968 --> 00:08:26,067
You could wake up
with something a lot
worse than a hangover.
153
00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:27,701
That's true, Darlene,
154
00:08:27,701 --> 00:08:31,501
'cause a lot of these guys
don't want to leave
in the morning.
155
00:08:31,501 --> 00:08:35,167
And these days it's not just
the risk of pregnancy.
156
00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:39,534
A woman of the '90s has
to look out for the herpes.
157
00:08:43,834 --> 00:08:45,067
Excuse me, Grandma,
158
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:48,000
there's, like, 10 or
12 guys I gotta call.
159
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,734
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
160
00:08:49,734 --> 00:08:50,934
You get back in there.
161
00:08:50,934 --> 00:08:52,100
No way.
162
00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:54,167
You said David and Becky
weren't gonna be here.
163
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,667
You didn't tell me
I was gonna have to
164
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:58,033
spend the afternoon baking
with Drunken Hines.
165
00:08:58,033 --> 00:09:01,167
[laughs]
166
00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:02,334
What are you laughing at?
167
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,634
Uh...
168
00:09:03,634 --> 00:09:05,300
Beetle Bailey.
He's loafing again.
169
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,934
Will he never learn?
170
00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:09,701
So, what are you doing?
Get rid of that beer!
171
00:09:09,701 --> 00:09:11,567
You are not allowed to drink
when my mother's here.
172
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:13,467
Oh, geez, Roseanne,
173
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:15,667
don't you think you're going
a little overboard with this?
174
00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:16,868
No, I don't, Dan.
175
00:09:16,868 --> 00:09:18,801
My mother has a disease,
176
00:09:18,801 --> 00:09:21,000
and it's not one of those
good ones like lockjaw.
177
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,133
It's a disease like cancer.
178
00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:25,300
Would you be making fun
of her if she had cancer?
179
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:29,300
What, like, toe cancer,
or whole body cancer?
180
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:31,234
Oh, okay, you're right.
I'm sorry.
181
00:09:31,234 --> 00:09:32,634
I'll try harder.
182
00:09:32,634 --> 00:09:34,534
Yeah, me too.
183
00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:36,000
Well, thanks, you guys.
184
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,367
There'll be a little extra
hash in your brownies tonight.
185
00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:44,567
Hey, you two, I need someone
to put raisins in the eyes.
186
00:09:50,901 --> 00:09:53,367
You hold her down,
I'll get the raisins.
187
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,434
Oh!
188
00:10:03,434 --> 00:10:05,834
You know, I can't believe he's
gonna sit out the Super Bowl
189
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,734
because of a twisted ankle.
190
00:10:07,734 --> 00:10:10,467
Football players today ain't
nothing but a bunch of babies.
191
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,000
Man, you got that right.
192
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,701
Dick Butkus would
have played without pads.
193
00:10:13,701 --> 00:10:16,100
As a matter of fact,
I seem to recall one year
194
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:19,667
he petitioned the league
to play without a helmet.
195
00:10:19,667 --> 00:10:22,100
Sissy owners
wouldn't let him.
196
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,767
That's nothing.
You want to talk tough?
197
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:25,934
When the Aztecs
invented the game,
198
00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:28,434
they didn't have a ball,
so they used a human head.
199
00:10:30,801 --> 00:10:31,801
Come on.
200
00:10:31,801 --> 00:10:33,100
No, that's true.
201
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,968
And they played for weeks
until everybody was dead
202
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:38,801
except for one guy,
and they made him king.
203
00:10:41,267 --> 00:10:44,100
Now, that's football.
204
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:47,300
Yoo hoo!
We're here, Roseanne!
205
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:50,100
Oh, gee, Mom,
what a surprise.
206
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:53,801
I really didn't think
Jackie would be
bringing you by today.
207
00:10:53,801 --> 00:10:56,534
You could just knock me
over with a feather.
208
00:10:56,534 --> 00:10:59,601
And wonder what I could
knock you over with, Jackie.
209
00:10:59,601 --> 00:11:02,767
Well, Mom suggested
that we stop by.
210
00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:05,067
Oh, by the way, Roseanne,
211
00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:07,300
my bridge club
is meeting tomorrow,
212
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,334
and I'll need you
to drive me to Elgin.
213
00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:12,834
I was hoping you wouldn't
find this out, Mom,
214
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:16,200
but I'm wanted in Elgin.
215
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,267
Oh, well, that's fine.
216
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:21,501
It's just, they serve
sherry there,
217
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:24,133
and I didn't want
to go alone.
218
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:25,334
All right, I'll take you.
219
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:27,167
Thank you, dear.
220
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,868
Well, I drank so much
coffee at my meeting,
221
00:11:29,868 --> 00:11:31,901
I tell you, I'm wired.
222
00:11:31,901 --> 00:11:33,934
Piddle time!
223
00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:38,801
I'm sorry, she insisted
on coming over here!
224
00:11:38,801 --> 00:11:41,200
But it's your turn!
225
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,467
I have to make 50 pigs
in the blanket
226
00:11:43,467 --> 00:11:46,100
for 20 pigs in
the living room.
227
00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,534
Oh, thank God, I thought
I heard your mother.
228
00:11:53,267 --> 00:11:56,467
Kind of like those guys
in 'Nam who still
hear the choppers.
229
00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:03,100
Yeah, except for it's more
like those guys in 'Nam
who are still in 'Nam.
230
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,000
Oh, no.
231
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,167
She can't be here.
It's the Super Bowl!
232
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:09,133
I got a pony keg
out in the garage.
233
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:10,567
Well, you guys will
have to hurry up
234
00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:11,601
and drink it
in two minutes.
235
00:12:11,601 --> 00:12:14,067
A pony keg in two minutes?
236
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,167
Give me a break, Roseanne, we
ain't in high school no more.
237
00:12:18,501 --> 00:12:20,300
Oh, that's unusual.
238
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:24,367
Someone's left his crutch
on the kitchen table.
239
00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:26,868
Well, why don't you let me
order you some of that
240
00:12:26,868 --> 00:12:30,501
non-alcoholic beer I used
to heat up for D.J.'s bottle.
241
00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:31,834
Well, you're busy,
then, Roseanne.
242
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:33,834
So why don't I just
go to the store for ya?
243
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:35,667
Oh, that's nice
of you, Jackie,
244
00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:37,234
but I'm going to go
to the store myself.
245
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:38,634
I have a lot of
errands to run,
246
00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:40,801
and I'll probably be
gone for a long time.
247
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:43,234
Well, I'm off
to the super game!
248
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:45,734
I'll flip you for it.
249
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:49,567
Winner gets to
leave the house.
250
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:50,834
Call it.
Heads.
251
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,868
All right!
It's heads.
252
00:12:54,868 --> 00:12:56,300
I win!
253
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:57,400
Roseanne!
254
00:13:00,434 --> 00:13:03,467
I hope none of your friends
minded not being able to drink.
255
00:13:03,467 --> 00:13:05,234
Nah.
256
00:13:05,234 --> 00:13:09,167
These Super Bowl parties
pretty much break up
after kick off, anyway.
257
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:15,801
The party won't be dull!
I brought a Chex mix!
258
00:13:19,434 --> 00:13:22,567
Say, that boy looks like
the Bishop boy who lived
down the street.
259
00:13:22,567 --> 00:13:24,400
Jackie, do you think
that could be him?
260
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,601
Yes, Mother, that's him.
261
00:13:27,601 --> 00:13:29,567
I don't remember him
being that tall.
262
00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:30,868
He grew.
263
00:13:30,868 --> 00:13:34,167
Well, he used to have
long hair, thought, didn't he?
264
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:36,000
He cut it.
265
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,634
No, I don't think that's him.
266
00:13:37,634 --> 00:13:38,801
You're right,
Mother, it's not.
267
00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:45,434
Uh, these beer commercials.
268
00:13:45,434 --> 00:13:47,934
I don't like them one bit.
269
00:13:47,934 --> 00:13:50,234
They do nothing
but promote drinking.
270
00:13:50,234 --> 00:13:53,067
They are just saying
to the American public,
271
00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,868
that if they drink,
272
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:58,701
they are going to be like
those fancy-pants hipsters
273
00:13:58,701 --> 00:14:00,200
in the ad.
274
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,667
[beer opening on TV]
275
00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:04,033
[beer being poured]
276
00:14:07,601 --> 00:14:10,334
Now who really drinks
beer that cold?
277
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:14,901
I mean, look at the
frost forming on
the inside of that bottle.
278
00:14:14,901 --> 00:14:19,934
And why do they
pour it so slowly?
279
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:24,534
You're right.
That's one of the things
ruining this country.
280
00:14:24,534 --> 00:14:27,200
I'm gonna put up the flag,
281
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,133
and I'm pretty sure
it's out in the garage!
282
00:14:30,133 --> 00:14:31,934
Good thinking, Dan!
283
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:33,534
I better get
out there, too.
284
00:14:33,534 --> 00:14:36,701
I don't want Old Glory
dragging on the ground.
285
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:39,100
Is that Jackson 5 boy
gonna be singing
286
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,601
at the intermission
this year?
287
00:14:40,601 --> 00:14:43,200
He's wonderful
with the children.
288
00:14:49,901 --> 00:14:53,033
[cheering]
289
00:14:53,033 --> 00:14:55,367
Oh, man, he's good.
290
00:14:55,367 --> 00:14:58,033
Touch-a-doodle-down-dee!
291
00:14:58,033 --> 00:15:01,767
Oh, man, we've been
out here for over an hour.
292
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,234
We'd better go back inside.
293
00:15:03,234 --> 00:15:06,634
Are you crazy, man?
294
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:09,767
She's in there!
295
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:10,834
Bev.
296
00:15:10,834 --> 00:15:13,601
Beverage.
297
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:17,133
Non-alcoholic
Beverage is in there.
298
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,601
You know, Roseanne's gonna
be back really soon,
299
00:15:19,601 --> 00:15:21,467
and she's gonna be mad
when she finds out
we've been drinking.
300
00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:22,968
Oh, yeah?
301
00:15:22,968 --> 00:15:27,200
Well, she will
never be the wiser.
302
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,100
Breath mints.
303
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:30,367
Breath mints?
304
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:33,601
That is just
crazy enough to work.
305
00:15:33,601 --> 00:15:35,701
One breath mint.
306
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:38,334
Damn!
307
00:15:38,334 --> 00:15:41,267
Damn, damn it all to hell!
308
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,667
[Beverly]
Yoo-hoo, are you in there?
309
00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:50,067
Oh, God, too late!
310
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,734
It's her!
Here she comes.
311
00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:56,033
[belches]
312
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:02,467
One, two, three.
313
00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:04,934
♪ For she's a jolly
good fellow ♪
314
00:16:04,934 --> 00:16:07,033
♪ For she's a jolly
good fellow ♪
315
00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:11,167
♪ For she's a jolly
good fellow ♪
316
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:13,033
A party?
For me?
317
00:16:13,033 --> 00:16:15,267
Yes, a party for you.
318
00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:17,868
To celebrate...
319
00:16:17,868 --> 00:16:22,267
Celebrate.
[laughs]
320
00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:25,200
Celebrate five days
of not drinking.
321
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,200
Hear hear!
322
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:27,534
[cheering]
323
00:16:27,534 --> 00:16:28,767
Yeah!
324
00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:30,434
You're all drunk!
325
00:16:32,334 --> 00:16:34,834
Well, yeah.
It's a party!
326
00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:42,567
I can't believe
you would do this to me.
327
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:46,667
No one cares.
No one cares!
328
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:51,667
Man, she is an ugly sober.
329
00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:55,767
Well, better go
look for her.
330
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:57,601
You know what, Dan?
331
00:16:57,601 --> 00:17:00,367
She's not a jolly good fellow.
332
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:06,601
Hey, Mom, look, I got all
these sodas for half-price.
333
00:17:06,601 --> 00:17:07,968
I went by your
old liquor store.
334
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:10,300
They're having a going
out of business sale.
335
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:13,334
This is a sick house, Roseanne.
336
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:15,267
They're all drunk.
337
00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:19,767
Well, lookie who's home.
338
00:17:19,767 --> 00:17:21,234
Lookie who's home.
339
00:17:21,234 --> 00:17:23,167
Well, you said
that already.
340
00:17:25,033 --> 00:17:27,167
You know, Mom just said
the funniest thing.
341
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:30,100
She said that you guys were
all drunk out there,
342
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:32,267
and I said, well, that
cannot possible be,
343
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:33,834
because I specifically
told them
344
00:17:33,834 --> 00:17:35,667
that they cannot drink
when mother's here
345
00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:38,601
and they cannot be drunk
because if they were drunk,
346
00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:41,167
then me doing this would
make you both want to puke.
347
00:17:41,167 --> 00:17:42,167
Stop.
348
00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:43,667
Please, stop.
349
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:45,033
You can't do one thing.
350
00:17:45,033 --> 00:17:47,834
You cannot stay sober while
my mother, the alcoholic,
351
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:48,834
is in the house.
352
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,968
Oh, please, Roseanne.
353
00:17:52,901 --> 00:17:55,767
Your mother is
not an alcoholic.
354
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:57,567
I drink way more
than she does.
355
00:17:57,567 --> 00:18:01,734
Do I look like an
alcoholic to you?
356
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:04,667
I'm over here, Dan.
357
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,701
Okay, so we had
a little drink.
358
00:18:07,701 --> 00:18:12,834
It's a special day.
359
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:17,801
We had just enough to enhance
this very special occasion.
360
00:18:17,801 --> 00:18:19,567
Isn't that right, Jackie?
361
00:18:25,868 --> 00:18:26,968
Jackie.
362
00:18:26,968 --> 00:18:29,868
Well, here, let me
help you, Dan.
363
00:18:29,868 --> 00:18:32,434
Yes, we just had
a little to drink.
364
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:33,934
[thud]
365
00:18:35,334 --> 00:18:37,267
How...
366
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:40,133
Can I make
you understand
367
00:18:40,133 --> 00:18:44,200
the importance
of Super Bowl Sunday?
368
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,000
Perhaps that answer will
come to me in a dream.
369
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:00,601
Why don't you just lay
on the floor, Dan,
370
00:19:00,601 --> 00:19:03,501
and save yourself
that embarrassing
fall off the bed?
371
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:09,100
Are you okay, Mom?
372
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:12,767
Yes, I'm just warning your son
about what can happen
when you drink too much.
373
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:15,367
He is what can happen
when you drink too much.
374
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,701
Mom, is Dad an alcoholic?
375
00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:20,100
What are you
telling him?
376
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:21,467
Only the truth.
377
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:23,767
And if your father
doesn't get help,
378
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:25,167
he's gonna die!
379
00:19:25,167 --> 00:19:26,367
I don't want Dad to die!
380
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:28,601
Oh, he's not
gonna die, D.J.
381
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,667
Go check for yourself.
He's in the bedroom.
382
00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:34,300
Make sure he's not
sleeping on his back.
383
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,467
I don't see any point
in lying to the boy.
384
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,300
He's going to have to face the
ugly truth sooner or later.
385
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:42,000
Dan is not
an alcoholic, Mom.
386
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,567
Considering the life he leads,
387
00:19:43,567 --> 00:19:46,834
I don't think he drinks
nearly enough.
388
00:19:46,834 --> 00:19:49,033
Of course you think that.
389
00:19:49,033 --> 00:19:50,100
You're in denial.
390
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:53,200
Your whole family is
completely dysfunctional
391
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,968
because of an alcoholic father
and a mother who is nothing
392
00:19:55,968 --> 00:19:57,567
but an enabler.
393
00:19:57,567 --> 00:19:59,534
Well, that must have been
tough for you, Mom.
394
00:19:59,534 --> 00:20:01,934
You know, they say
the first step is admitting
395
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:05,067
that everyone else
has a problem.
396
00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:06,601
Oh, fine.
397
00:20:06,601 --> 00:20:09,467
Just dismiss me, Roseanne.
398
00:20:09,467 --> 00:20:13,801
I'll just go on home
and maybe I'll have a drink.
399
00:20:13,801 --> 00:20:15,367
Oh, come on.
400
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,334
I'm serious.
401
00:20:17,334 --> 00:20:18,767
I did yesterday.
402
00:20:18,767 --> 00:20:19,934
What?
403
00:20:19,934 --> 00:20:22,300
Well, I asked you
to stay with me
404
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:23,667
until the news was over,
405
00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:25,200
but you had to hurry home
406
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,300
and I felt very lonely,
407
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:29,434
and had a drink.
408
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:34,901
Get out.
409
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,167
What?
410
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:41,100
I want you to get
out of here before
I have a drink.
411
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:43,734
You're not just an alcoholic.
You're a carrier.
412
00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:51,567
You can't understand what
I'm going through, Roseanne.
413
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:53,601
I have no control!
414
00:20:53,601 --> 00:20:55,200
That is a lot of bull.
415
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,267
Ever since you became
this huge victim,
416
00:20:57,267 --> 00:20:59,334
you've got control
over everybody.
417
00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:01,400
I'm an alcoholic, Roseanne.
418
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,467
Don't you realize
what that means?
419
00:21:03,467 --> 00:21:04,968
Yeah, I know exactly
what that means, Mom.
420
00:21:04,968 --> 00:21:07,267
That means you drink,
like you always drank.
421
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,133
Only now you're calling
yourself an alcoholic
422
00:21:09,133 --> 00:21:11,501
because you think that way
you don't have to take
any responsibility
423
00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:12,767
for anything that you do.
424
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:15,167
Well, goodbye.
425
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:17,367
I should have
expected this.
426
00:21:17,367 --> 00:21:22,167
They told me that
the people around me
might want me to fail.
427
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:27,601
I guess my real
family is at AA.
428
00:21:27,601 --> 00:21:30,100
Keep going home.
It works.
429
00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:39,801
You know, Mom,
just last night,
Darlene was asking me
430
00:21:39,801 --> 00:21:42,734
if there was any
downside to drinking at all?
431
00:21:45,667 --> 00:21:50,100
You're at a very
critical age, Darlene.
432
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,634
You've got to look out
for these goodtime Johnnies
433
00:21:53,634 --> 00:21:56,200
who are going to try
to ply you with liquor.
434
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:57,534
[laughing]
435
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,734
[laughing]
436
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,367
Oh, I'm in trouble now.
437
00:22:14,701 --> 00:22:16,501
[Director]
All right, here we go.
Stand by.
438
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:19,567
Okay.
439
00:22:19,567 --> 00:22:20,567
[Director]
Okay.
440
00:22:20,567 --> 00:22:22,400
[laughing]
441
00:22:26,234 --> 00:22:27,601
[Director]
Here we go.
442
00:22:27,601 --> 00:22:28,801
Stand by.
443
00:22:28,801 --> 00:22:30,267
In five--
444
00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:32,801
[laughing]
445
00:22:32,801 --> 00:22:35,868
Sorry.
Don't get me started.
446
00:22:35,868 --> 00:22:37,634
[Director]
Hey, Gils, could you turn out?
447
00:22:37,634 --> 00:22:38,801
Sure.
448
00:22:38,801 --> 00:22:40,167
[Director]
There we go.
Stand by.
449
00:22:40,167 --> 00:22:43,100
In five, four, three, two--
450
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:44,901
You know, Mom, just
last night, uh,
451
00:22:44,901 --> 00:22:46,901
Darlene was asking me
if there was any
452
00:22:46,901 --> 00:22:49,334
downside to drinking at all?
453
00:22:51,501 --> 00:22:55,100
You're at--
[laughing]
454
00:22:55,100 --> 00:22:58,033
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA