[phone ringing]
Uh, my son told me that our mom got picked up for speeding.
Just a minute, ma'am.
It's a good thing you caught her.
I mean, these elderly ladies in Dodge Darts
have been terrorizing our community long enough.
Roseanne, maybe we don't have to bail her out.
We could just, like, pretend we didn't get the call.
Jackie, we've got to get Mom out of there
before those other prisoners start passing her around like a pack of smokes.
Let me talk to the guy, then.
I did wear the blue.
Sergeant Dickson, J. Harris.
Ex-officer, retired.
We are here to retrieve our mother,
one Harris comma Beverly.
Female, Caucasian.
I said, just a minute.
10-4.
Said he'd be with us in just a minute.
I can't believe Mom was speeding!
She does everything slow.
She walks slow. She eats slow.
She dies slow.
All right, let's see.
Harris... comma Beverly.
She had a minor accident.
She's fine, but we had to detain her for drunk driving.
What?
That huge liar!
Drunk driving? That's a felony!
It is a felony, isn't it?
Well, I hope you didn't find the drugs she keeps stashed up her butt.
Oh, my goodness, girls, the way they treat an old lady who was speeding.
Was she belligerent? Did you have to beat her?
This has been so degrading.
They even took my shoelaces and belt so I wouldn't hurt myself.
Well, wasn't there a sheet you could use?
Roseanne, why are you so rude to me?
What do you mean by driving drunk?
If you want to kill yourself, that's fine,
It's not true! I wasn't drunk!
What's going to happen to me?
Well, usually on a first offense,
they give you probation and make you go to AA.
What?
I'm not an alcoholic!
I only had one glass of wine!
Well, it doesn't count as one glass
if you refill it 10 times.
Here's her mugshot, sergeant.
Oh, my God, can I get those in wallet size?
Come on, Dino. Frank and Sammy are waiting in the car.
So if you can't give me the picture,
can I just get the numbers off the bottom?
I want to play the lotto.
** [blues rock]
[laughing]
Well, I always wondered what an AA meeting looked like.
Yeah, it should be interesting to see how many of these people
Mom sends screaming back to the sauce.
This is so degrading.
I don't even know why I'm here.
Well, then, let me remind you.
Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
I'm not an alcoholic.
Yes, we know.
We are only here to get your license back.
Relax, Mom. You'll have fun.
These are party people.
Hi, welcome to our meeting. I'm the speaker tonight.
Oh, you're Margaret D.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm Roseanne C.
This is Jackie O.
And that's our mother, Beverly Lorraine Harris.
I'm going to powder my nose.
Huge cokehead.
Well, I'm four years sober. How much time do you have?
Oh, well, I'm three months pregnant,
so...
It's about two weeks for me.
[laughs]
How much time you got, Jackie?
She's just kidding. We're not really alcoholics.
Oh, well, you do know that these meetings are only for people in recovery?
Now, Jackie, you don't have to lie to her
about how rough your life has been.
She's 22 years-old.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
We've all hit rock bottom.
Well, I'm clean now.
And what I'm most proud of
is that I was able to quit drinking
without gaining a ton of weight.
Well, one day at a time.
And a Welcome Back, Kotter to you, too.
[laughs]
Oh, my God!
What? It's Leon!
Hey, Roseanne!
Wow, I must have stumbled into the wrong room.
Is this overeaters anonymous?
Well, gee, Leon, I always kind of figured you for an alky.
I guess you'd have to be pretty drunk
to do what you do in bed.
Yeah, I've noticed that Dan drinks quite a bit, too.
Pretty quick for a rummy.
You know, your feeble attempts at wit don't bother me, Roseanne.
These people are the world to me.
They're kind, supportive, caring.
And you on the other hand are cruel, vindictive,
and poorly dressed.
No, Leon, they do not have Whites Only AA.
[all] Keep coming back. It works.
Oh, man, how depressing were those stories?
That last guy was the worst.
Imagine passing out on the train tracks.
You think he would've learned his lesson after he lost that first arm.
Come on, Mom. Let's get your thing signed for the judge.
Mom.
I'm one of these people.
What are you talking about?
It's true, I'm an alcoholic.
I just didn't realize it until I heard all these people talking.
C'mon, Mom, is this gonna be like when you saw Witness
and thought you were Amish?
I drink every day.
I drink whenever I'm alone.
I am an alcoholic.
My God, I can't believe all these years...
Mom's a drunk.
Yeah, you think she would have been more fun.
It's true, Roseanne.
This week of sobriety has been the best of my life.
Every day and in every way, I'm getting better and better.
Of course, that's due to my higher power.
Oh, Mom, thank you, but I can't take all the credit.
It's been so long since we made gingerbread cookies.
It's very sweet of you to take time off to spend the afternoon
with your old, alcoholic grandma.
Yeah, well, Mom misled me.
I thought she meant we would be drinking.
You know, Mom, just last night,
Darlene was asking me if there was any downside
to drinking at all?
You're at a very critical age, Darlene.
You've got to look out for these good time Charlies
who want to ply a girl with liquor.
You could wake up with something a lot worse than a hangover.
That's true, Darlene,
'cause a lot of these guys don't want to leave in the morning.
And these days it's not just the risk of pregnancy.
A woman of the '90s has to look out for the herpes.
Excuse me, Grandma,
there's, like, 10 or 12 guys I gotta call.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You get back in there.
No way.
You said David and Becky weren't gonna be here.
You didn't tell me I was gonna have to
spend the afternoon baking with Drunken Hines.
[laughs]
What are you laughing at?
Uh...
Beetle Bailey. He's loafing again.
Will he never learn?
So, what are you doing? Get rid of that beer!
You are not allowed to drink when my mother's here.
Oh, geez, Roseanne,
don't you think you're going a little overboard with this?
No, I don't, Dan.
My mother has a disease,
and it's not one of those good ones like lockjaw.
It's a disease like cancer.
Would you be making fun of her if she had cancer?
What, like, toe cancer, or whole body cancer?
Oh, okay, you're right. I'm sorry.
I'll try harder.
Yeah, me too.
Well, thanks, you guys.
There'll be a little extra hash in your brownies tonight.
Hey, you two, I need someone to put raisins in the eyes.
You hold her down, I'll get the raisins.
Oh!
You know, I can't believe he's gonna sit out the Super Bowl
because of a twisted ankle.
Football players today ain't nothing but a bunch of babies.
Man, you got that right.
Dick Butkus would have played without pads.
As a matter of fact, I seem to recall one year
he petitioned the league to play without a helmet.
Sissy owners wouldn't let him.
That's nothing. You want to talk tough?
When the Aztecs invented the game,
they didn't have a ball, so they used a human head.
Come on.
No, that's true.
And they played for weeks until everybody was dead
except for one guy, and they made him king.
Now, that's football.
Yoo hoo! We're here, Roseanne!
Oh, gee, Mom, what a surprise.
I really didn't think Jackie would be bringing you by today.
You could just knock me over with a feather.
And wonder what I could knock you over with, Jackie.
Well, Mom suggested that we stop by.
Oh, by the way, Roseanne,
my bridge club is meeting tomorrow,
and I'll need you to drive me to Elgin.
I was hoping you wouldn't find this out, Mom,
but I'm wanted in Elgin.
Oh, well, that's fine.
It's just, they serve sherry there,
and I didn't want to go alone.
All right, I'll take you.
Thank you, dear.
Well, I drank so much coffee at my meeting,
I tell you, I'm wired.
Piddle time!
I'm sorry, she insisted on coming over here!
But it's your turn!
I have to make 50 pigs in the blanket
for 20 pigs in the living room.
Oh, thank God, I thought I heard your mother.
Kind of like those guys in 'Nam who still hear the choppers.
Yeah, except for it's more like those guys in 'Nam who are still in 'Nam.
Oh, no.
She can't be here. It's the Super Bowl!
I got a pony keg out in the garage.
Well, you guys will have to hurry up
and drink it in two minutes.
A pony keg in two minutes?
Give me a break, Roseanne, we ain't in high school no more.
Oh, that's unusual.
Someone's left his crutch on the kitchen table.
Well, why don't you let me order you some of that
non-alcoholic beer I used to heat up for D.J.'s bottle.
Well, you're busy, then, Roseanne.
So why don't I just go to the store for ya?
Oh, that's nice of you, Jackie,
but I'm going to go to the store myself.
I have a lot of errands to run,
and I'll probably be gone for a long time.
Well, I'm off to the super game!
I'll flip you for it.
Winner gets to leave the house.
Call it. Heads.
All right! It's heads.
I win!
Roseanne!
I hope none of your friends minded not being able to drink.
Nah.
These Super Bowl parties pretty much break up after kick off, anyway.
The party won't be dull! I brought a Chex mix!
Say, that boy looks like the Bishop boy who lived down the street.
Jackie, do you think that could be him?
Yes, Mother, that's him.
I don't remember him being that tall.
He grew.
Well, he used to have long hair, thought, didn't he?
He cut it.
No, I don't think that's him.
You're right, Mother, it's not.
Uh, these beer commercials.
I don't like them one bit.
They do nothing but promote drinking.
They are just saying to the American public,
that if they drink,
they are going to be like those fancy-pants hipsters
in the ad.
[beer opening on TV]
[beer being poured]
Now who really drinks beer that cold?
I mean, look at the frost forming on the inside of that bottle.
And why do they pour it so slowly?
You're right. That's one of the things ruining this country.
I'm gonna put up the flag,
and I'm pretty sure it's out in the garage!
Good thinking, Dan!
I better get out there, too.
I don't want Old Glory dragging on the ground.
Is that Jackson 5 boy gonna be singing
at the intermission this year?
He's wonderful with the children.
[cheering]
Oh, man, he's good.
Touch-a-doodle-down-dee!
Oh, man, we've been out here for over an hour.
We'd better go back inside.
Are you crazy, man?
She's in there!
Bev.
Beverage.
Non-alcoholic Beverage is in there.
You know, Roseanne's gonna be back really soon,
and she's gonna be mad when she finds out we've been drinking.
Oh, yeah?
Well, she will never be the wiser.
Breath mints.
Breath mints?
That is just crazy enough to work.
One breath mint.
Damn!
Damn, damn it all to hell!
[Beverly] Yoo-hoo, are you in there?
Oh, God, too late!
It's her! Here she comes.
[belches]
One, two, three.
♪ For she's a jolly good fellow ♪
A party? For me?
Yes, a party for you.
To celebrate...
Celebrate. [laughs]
Celebrate five days of not drinking.
Hear hear!
[cheering]
Yeah!
You're all drunk!
Well, yeah. It's a party!
I can't believe you would do this to me.
No one cares. No one cares!
Man, she is an ugly sober.
Well, better go look for her.
You know what, Dan?
She's not a jolly good fellow.
Hey, Mom, look, I got all these sodas for half-price.
I went by your old liquor store.
They're having a going out of business sale.
This is a sick house, Roseanne.
They're all drunk.
Well, lookie who's home.
Lookie who's home.
Well, you said that already.
You know, Mom just said the funniest thing.
She said that you guys were all drunk out there,
and I said, well, that cannot possible be,
because I specifically told them
that they cannot drink when mother's here
and they cannot be drunk because if they were drunk,
then me doing this would make you both want to puke.
Stop.
Please, stop.
You can't do one thing.
You cannot stay sober while my mother, the alcoholic,
is in the house.
Oh, please, Roseanne.
Your mother is not an alcoholic.
I drink way more than she does.
Do I look like an alcoholic to you?
I'm over here, Dan.
Okay, so we had a little drink.
It's a special day.
We had just enough to enhance this very special occasion.
Isn't that right, Jackie?
Jackie.
Well, here, let me help you, Dan.
Yes, we just had a little to drink.
[thud]
How...
Can I make you understand
the importance of Super Bowl Sunday?
Perhaps that answer will come to me in a dream.
Why don't you just lay on the floor, Dan,
and save yourself that embarrassing fall off the bed?
Are you okay, Mom?
Yes, I'm just warning your son about what can happen when you drink too much.
He is what can happen when you drink too much.
Mom, is Dad an alcoholic?
What are you telling him?
Only the truth.
And if your father doesn't get help,
he's gonna die!
I don't want Dad to die!
Oh, he's not gonna die, D.J.
Go check for yourself. He's in the bedroom.
Make sure he's not sleeping on his back.
I don't see any point in lying to the boy.
He's going to have to face the ugly truth sooner or later.
Dan is not an alcoholic, Mom.
Considering the life he leads,
I don't think he drinks nearly enough.
Of course you think that.
You're in denial.
Your whole family is completely dysfunctional
because of an alcoholic father and a mother who is nothing
but an enabler.
Well, that must have been tough for you, Mom.
You know, they say the first step is admitting
that everyone else has a problem.
Oh, fine.
Just dismiss me, Roseanne.
I'll just go on home and maybe I'll have a drink.
Oh, come on.
I'm serious.
I did yesterday.
What?
Well, I asked you to stay with me
until the news was over,
but you had to hurry home
and I felt very lonely,
and had a drink.
Get out.
What?
I want you to get out of here before I have a drink.
You're not just an alcoholic. You're a carrier.
You can't understand what I'm going through, Roseanne.
I have no control!
That is a lot of bull.
Ever since you became this huge victim,
you've got control over everybody.
I'm an alcoholic, Roseanne.
Don't you realize what that means?
Yeah, I know exactly what that means, Mom.
That means you drink, like you always drank.
Only now you're calling yourself an alcoholic
because you think that way you don't have to take any responsibility
for anything that you do.
Well, goodbye.
I should have expected this.
They told me that the people around me might want me to fail.
I guess my real family is at AA.
Keep going home. It works.
You know, Mom, just last night, Darlene was asking me
if there was any downside to drinking at all?
You're at a very critical age, Darlene.
You've got to look out for these goodtime Johnnies
who are going to try to ply you with liquor.
[laughing]
Oh, I'm in trouble now.
[Director] All right, here we go. Stand by.
Okay.
[Director] Okay.
[laughing]
[Director] Here we go.
Stand by.
In five--
[laughing]
Sorry. Don't get me started.
[Director] Hey, Gils, could you turn out?
Sure.
[Director] There we go. Stand by.
In five, four, three, two--
You know, Mom, just last night, uh,
Darlene was asking me if there was any
downside to drinking at all?
You're at-- [laughing]
Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA