"Lucy Meets Orson Welles"
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
(theme song ending)
Come on, honey.
Oh, boy!
It sure was freezing out, wasn't it?
It's nice and warm in here, I'm glad.
Mommy. What?
Why do we have to come in?
Because you were cold, honey.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were now.
Hi. Hi, honey.
I saw you come in. Yeah.
Did you have fun in the park?
Yeah, but it was so cold!
There you are, baby.
(chuckling)
Ooh, I'm so cold!
Here, here's your apple, honey.
Go play with your train now.
ETHEL: So long.
Oh, Ethel, I'm so... I'm just frozen.
Honestly, there's only one way
I'm ever gonna be able to stand this New York winter.
How?
Spend it in Florida.
Well, winter is officially here.
We've had our first cold wave.
Fred's put on his red flannels, and you've started your annual
"Let's Send Lucy To Florida" campaign.
Well, I don't see any reason
why we couldn't spend just a few weeks in Florida.
Don't talk to me, talk to Ricky.
I'm going to, but it won't do any good.
He'll have a million excuses:
It's too far, it's too expensive,
and he can't get away.
Those are three of the worst excuses
I ever heard in my whole life.
It's just ridiculous leaving us
But does he ever think of us?
No! He just thinks of himself.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
Don't "honey" me, you selfish beast.
And so, once again,
it's time to play that well-known parlor game,
"Kick The Cuban."
Good luck, amigo.
Whatsa matter with everybody?
Why can't we go to Florida?
Well, first of all, there's a lot...
Who said anything about Florida?
I did, but we can't go because
it's too far, it's too expensive,
and you can't get away.
I didn't say a word!
Well, can we go?
No!
Why not?
Because it's too far, it's too expensive, and I can't get away.
Oh! Everybody goes to Florida for the winter.
Even the birds go south.
All right, I'll make you a deal:
If you can get there the same way the birds do, you can go.
Now, Ricky, listen...
Look, Florida is out of the question,
so don't nag me.
LITTLE RICKY: Mommy!
Coming, dear. Don't go away.
I've got a lot of nag I haven't even used yet.
(phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, hi, Rick.
This is Paul.
Oh, yeah, hi, Paul.
Say, I've got great news for you.
I just spoke to Orson Welles' agent.
He's all set to do the benefit.
PAUL: He'll meet you here this afternoon for rehearsal.
Oh, that's just wonderful!
Listen, is he gonna do the same act that he did in Las Vegas?
Yeah, some Shakespeare, and, of course, his magic routine.
Oh, that is just great.
What time am I supposed to meet him?
4:00 here at the club.
He's tied up autographing record albums
at some department store until then.
Okay, I'll be there.
Oh, by the way, Orson needs an assistant for his magic act,
so I suggested Lucy to him.
You did?
Yes.
You are fired!
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. You don't have to blow your top!
It's only a benefit.
Look, whenever Lucy gets into the act, nobody benefits.
I'm, I'm sorry.
I'll get out of it.
Yeah, well, tell him that she's going out of town.
Oh? Is she?
She is now. She's going to Florida.
Oh. Well, okay, I'll tell him.
Okay. I'll see you later.
Sheesh!
And another thing:
You've always wanted Little Ricky to know to swim.
If we went to Florida, he could take swimming lessons.
I agree with you.
Yeah, that's right. Don't listen to reason.
Just be pigheaded and stubborn and keep us here all...
What did you say?
I said that you were absolutely right.
Oh, honey!
Little Ricky and you should go to Florida.
Do you really mean it?
Of course I do.
I have been a selfish beast.
Oh, no, you haven't, honey!
Ethel!
Fred! Come quick!
Oh, honey, you're the best husband in the whole world!
Oh, thank you!
You and Little Ricky can leave right away.
I'll come down as soon as I can.
Okay, honey.
What's the matter?
Guess what? Guess what?
Ricky's sending me and the baby to Florida.
Wonderful!
Isn't that great?
I'm going to tell the baby, honey.
Oh! Freddy...
you know, I'm commencing to feel this cold weather myself.
Well, you won't have to worry about the cold, honeybunch.
I won't?
Nope. Tomorrow I'll run out and buy you
a brand-new hot water bottle.
(derisive laughter)
Oh, fine.
Ricky?
Yes, dear?
If I'm going to Florida,
I'm going to have to buy a lot of new clothes.
You're right.
I am?
Yes. Here, honey.
Oh.
Buy anything that you want.
Oh!
What happened to him?
I don't know,
but let's get to the store before he snaps out of it.
ETHEL: I'll get my hat.
LUCY: Well, I promised Little Ricky I'd get him a beach ball.
They ought to have one in here.
See, those are volleyballs.
Oh, Ethel, look at this!
What is that?
Skin diving equipment.
Oh, just what you need.
You're right. I'm going to Florida.
I'm going to skin dive.
Now, Lucy, don't you get into enough trouble on dry land?
Oh, push-tush.
May I help you?
Yes. I'd like to see
some of the skin-diving equipment.
You know, I'd kind of like
to try some of it on and see how it works.
Oh, well, this is our complete skin-diving kit.
Just step this way, please.
Skin diving kit!
I'll wait out here for you.
This way. All right, honey.
LUCY: Okay, thank you.
Oh, y'all just follow me into the record department here.
Now, if you select your records here, he'll be here any moment.
Oh, uh, pardon me, sir, but why is this crowd gathering?
Oh, they're waiting for Mr. Orson Welles.
Orson Welles!
Yes! He's going to autograph his new Shakespearean album.
He'll be here any moment.
He'll be here?! Right here?! Yeah.
Just select one.
Here he comes!
ETHEL: Oh, well! Oh!
Oh, Mr. Welles, I really want to see you.
Uh, Mr. Welles?
(stammering)
Lucy! Lucy, Orson Welles is here!
Come on. He won't stay long.
Come on.
Let us through.
Would you mind letting us through, please?
Mr. Welles!
My "Man From Mars" broadcast was 18 years ago.
What kept you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ethel, help me.
Let me help you.
I'm sorry, but you see, I'm going to Florida.
Underwater all the way, I presume?
No, no, of course not.
Mr. Welles, Mr. Welles,
I've seen everything you've ever done--
in movies, on the stage, in television.
I think you're just marvelous. Just marvelous.
Me, too. I think so, too. Thank you.
Mr. Welles, you won't believe this,
but I played Shakespeare in high school.
I believe it.
Yes, sir. I-I played the lead in Romeo and Juliet
in the senior play.
Did I ever tell you that?
32 times.
Oh. Oh, uh, uh, Mr. Welles,
Mr. Welles, my dramatic teacher said
that I was the best Juliet she'd ever seen,
and she said that she wouldn't be a bit surprised
if-if I ended up as...
LUCY AND ORSON: ...a star on the Broadway stage.
Hmm, uh, you took 16 curtain calls.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
You were in the audience!
Alas, no.
Well, then, how did you know?
Oh, every girl I ever meet has played poor Juliet
to an audience that's practically awash
with overactive tear ducts.
Well, I really was and they really were.
Hmm.
If you don't believe me, ask Miss Hanna.
Who's Miss Hanna?
Who's Miss Hanna?!
Just the greatest dramatic teacher
Jamestown High School ever had, that's all.
Oh, I see. How many albums would you like?
Well, I'd like one.
Just autograph it to Ethel Mertz, please.
I'd take two, only we haven't got a phonograph.
I'll take one.
And please autograph it to that great Shakespearean actress,
Lucy Ricardo.
Lucy Ricardo?
Wh-Where have I heard that name before?
Romeo and Juliet, Jamestown High School.
You're Ricky Ricardo's wife!
Oh, you know him?
But of course! I'm doing that charity benefit
at his nightclub.
You are?
Why, yes. I'm, I'm terribly sorry
you couldn't take me up on my offer.
Offer? What offer?!
Well, I wanted you to help me out in the act.
But Ricky said you were going to Florida.
Oh, he did, did he?
Yeah. How do you like that?
Oh... That conniving Cuban!
No wonder he was so nice to you.
He just wanted to get you out of town until Mr. Welles blew over.
How about that?
(stammering): Mr., Mr. Welles...
Mr. Welles, is the job still open?
Well, you're, you're going to Florida.
Oh, I changed my mind.
I'd love to do the show for you.
Can I have the job, Mr. Welles? Can I?
Can I? Can I?
Mrs. Ricardo, please, take your flippers off me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but-but can I, can I have the job?
Well, I'm sure you can...
you can handle it very nicely.
If you'd just come over to your husband's nightclub
this afternoon, we can rehearse.
I'll be there, sir. I'll be there.
Did you hear that? I heard. I heard.
I got the job. I got the job.
Oh, that's wonderful. I'm going to do Shakespeare.
Good-bye, Mr. Welles.
"Farewell.
Parting is such sweet sorrow."
So we'll just charge
these albums and send them out tomorrow.
Hey!
Did you hear that voice?
Yes!
You are going to be on that show.
He's a wonderful pal.
Yes, that's right, operator.
Jamestown, New York, 4755, please.
(phone rings)
Hello?
Miss Hanna?
Yes?
Miss Hanna, this is Lucy Ricardo.
Who?
Lucy Ricardo.
Lucy McGillicuddy.
Who?
Juliet.
Juliet McGillicuddy?
No, Miss Hanna.
Uh, uh, I played Juliet.
Herman Schlup was Romeo.
Herman Schlup.
Now, let me see.
Herman was so short, we had to lower the balcony two feet.
Oh, of course!
Lucy McGillicuddy.
Well, how are you, little Lucy?
I'm fine, Miss Hanna.
Guess what?
I'm going to do Shakespeare with Orson Welles!
What class was he in, dear?
No, Miss Hanna, the famous Orson Welles.
Oh, that one.
Oh, how exciting!
Yes, isn't it?
We're appearing at my husband's nightclub
this Friday night here in New York,
and I thought maybe you could come up and watch me perform.
Friday?
Yes.
Oh, I'm sorry, dear,
but it's the drama class's opening night
of The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial.
One of the boys is sick,
and I may have to play Captain Queeg.
Oh. Well, I'm sorry, Miss Hanna.
Well, may I send you the notices?
Oh, would you, my dear?
Thank you so much.
And good luck, Lucy.
And remember, project.
(loudly): Play to the balcony!
Oh, I will, Miss Hanna.
Good-bye.
I mean...
(loudly): Good-bye, Miss Hanna.
"Dost thou love me?
"I know thou wilt say 'aye.'
"Aye?
Aye!"
Is Ricky home?
No, not yet.
I thought I heard someone saying "ay-ay-ay."
That was me.
I'm practicing playing to the balcony.
Oh. I heard all that yelling,
and I thought you two were having a fight.
Well, stick around, girl.
I'm gonna tell him just what I think
of his little scheme of shipping me out of town.
Hi, honey. Hi.
Hi, Ethel.
Well, did you find some nice clothes for Florida?
Yes, I found a lot of cute things at Macy's.
Good. After all,
I want my wife to be well dressed.
Guess what else I found at Macy's?
What?
Orson Welles,
and we had a very interesting little chat.
Bye.
Where do you think you're going?
From the look in your eyes, back to Cuba.
You come right back here.
What a cheap chiseling trick
trying to bundle me off to Florida
just to keep me from playing Shakespeare with Orson Welles!
What are you talking about, "Shakespeare"?
All he wanted you to do was help in his magician act.
He did not want me to help in his magician act!
He did, too.
He just wanted you to hand him things
while he performs.
I don't believe you.
It's true!
Uh... as a matter of fact, that's why I turned him down.
I was only thinking of you.
How do you figure?
Well, it was, eh... such a nothing part
that, uh, I wanted to save you the embarrassment
of having to turn him down.
Now you understand?
Well, when you put it that way, yes.
I understand.
Ah, now, I knew you would.
Thank you for protecting me.
I will always do that.
I'll talk to you when I come back from the club.
All right, honey.
I just stopped by to pick my briefcase.
Okay. Good-bye.
Good-bye, Rick.
Good-bye, dear.
What a sweetheart.
What a phony.
What do you mean?
You didn't believe all that hokum, did you?
That's just another one of his tricks.
Lucy, are you sure?
Sure, I'm sure.
Would he send me all the way to Florida
just to keep me from handing Orson Welles
a hat full of rabbits?
No. What a phony!
It's Shakespeare all right.
Ethel, will you cue me?
I want to go over my lines again.
Sure, I will.
Gee, I just want to be letter-perfect
when I go to rehearsal.
Who knows? With Orson Welles playing opposite me,
I might even top my performance at Jamestown High School.
Listen, I like some of these pictures.
They're very good.
This is good. Mm-hmm.
I don't like this one. It's too much teeth.
ORSON WELLES: All right...
put all those rabbits in the cloak room
and I'll be, uh...
Hi, Orson.
Hello, Ricky.
Glad to see you.
Listen, it's just wonderful of you to do this benefit for us.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
I saw your act in Las Vegas Really?
and I thought you were just great.
Thanks.
Oh, uh, incidentally, uh,
Lucy won't be able to be your assistant after all.
Oh, I'm sorry. I saw her in Macy's,
and she told me that she'd love to do it.
Yeah, I know, but she changed her mind.
Would you sit down? I'll get you some coffee.
Sure, sure.
I guess, uh, you'll just have
to find somebody else to saw in half.
Oh, I don't saw anybody in half anymore.
I do the, uh, levitation trick.
The what?
The levitation.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, uh, she can't do that, whatever it is.
Well, that's where
I raise somebody off the ground, you know.
Uh-huh. Well, uh,
Lucy's two feet off the ground always anyway,
but she can't do it.
Well, I'm sorry.
Better safe than sorry.
Why?
Well, it just seems that every time
that Lucy gets close to famous people,
something happens to them.
You mean she really did
all those things in Europe and Hollywood?
Every one of them.
And they call me a character.
Well, I could tell you stories
about this girl that you wouldn't believe.
Like one time...
"Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
"Deny thy father and refuse thy name or...
"if thou wilt not be but sworn, my love,
and I'll no longer be... a Capulet."
What do you think, Mr. Welles?
Uh, well...
tha... that had its moments.
There was a... a certain
indefinable something about it.
What about it, Ricky?
Lucy, I thought I told you
that Mr. Welles wanted you for his assistant
in his magic act.
You don't think I fell for that, do you?
No, but it's true. I really do.
Oh, Mr. Welles, I promised my dramatic teacher
that I was going to do Shakespeare with you.
I even promised I'd send her the notices.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Lucy, can't you see that
Mr. Welles does not want to do Shakespeare with you?
You keep out of this!
Mr. Welles, won't you at least read a scene with me?
It's been my lifelong ambition to do Shakespeare with you,
Mr. Welles. Lucy.
I think you're the greatest
Shakespearean actor in the whole world.
I think You're better than John Gielgud.
I think you're better than... than Maurice Evans.
I think you're better than... than Sir Ralph Richardson.
You left out Laurence Olivier.
Well, I think you're better than he is, too.
You really think so?
Yes, I do, Mr. Welles.
I really do. Please do Shakespeare with me.
Just read a scene with me now
so that I can tell my grandchildren
about it someday.
Please, Mr. Welles.
"What man art thou
"that thus bescreened in night,
so stumblest on my counsel."
Lucy, can't you see that Mr. Welles
does not want to do Shakespeare with you?
You keep out of this.
"By a name, dear heart,
"I know not how to tell you how I am.
"My name is hateful to myself.
Had I it written, I would tear the words."
"Had I it written, I would tear the words."
That's the cue.
"I..."
"Had I it written, I would..."
I know, I guess I'm a little nervous
at last playing with the great Orson Welles.
Oh, why don't we do my favorite scene?
What's that? "For fear of that I still
"will stay with thee
and never from this palace of dim night depart again."
Oh, that one.
Well, I'm already dead in that scene.
Yes, yes.
"Here, here will I set up my everlasting rest..."
But Mr. Welles, you just have the soliloquy in that one.
"...and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
I don't have it. "from this world-wearied flesh.
"Eyes, look your last.
I... "Arms, take your last embrace.
"And lips, o you the doors of breath
"seal with a righteous kiss,
"a dateless bargain to engrossing death.
"Come, bitter conduct.
"Come, unsavory guide.
"Thou desperate pilot
"run at once thy seasick weary barque.
"Here's to my love.
"O, true apothecary, thy drugs are quick.
"Thus with a kiss, I die."
Boy, you're sure a lot better than Herman Schlup!
Thank you.
You're just wonderful.
Mr. Welles, are you sure you won't change your mind
and-and let me do just a little Shakespeare
in your act with you?
Well, you see, The way the act is built...
I know, I'm a lot better
when I'm not nervous, Mr. Welles.
The way it's arranged,
we just do the soliloquies, you understand?
But my offer still stands
for you to do the assistant in the magic act.
Well, I don't know.
Well, take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
Good. All right, Ricky, come on.
Let me show you...
Oh, honey, aren't you excited?
This is gonna be your big night.
Yeah, what a comedown--
from a Shakespearean actress to a magician's stooge.
What are you complaining about?
I turned out to be the stooge's hairdresser.
(knock at door)
Come in.
Miss Hanna!
Lucy McGillicuddy!
Oh, Miss Hanna, what a surprise!
Oh, this is Miss Hanna,
my high school dramatic teacher.
Miss Hanna, Mrs. Mertz.
How do you do?
Lucy's told me all about you.
Oh, she has? Oh, little Lucy.
Oh, Miss Hanna, won't you sit down?
Mi-Miss Hanna, what happened
to Caine Mutiny Court-Martial?
Well, we postponed it
until Captain Queeg gets over the chicken pox.
Oh. Well, Miss Hanna...
So I brought the rest of the cast with me.
You did?
Oh, imagine, you and Orson Welles.
Oh, I'm sure it'll be an evening of sheer magic.
You can say that again.
Miss... Miss Hanna, about this evening...
My dear, I've been teaching drama for 25 years,
and this is the proudest night of my life.
It is?
Oh, just to hear you do
that balcony scene with Orson Welles
will make my entire teaching career worthwhile.
Miss Hanna, I have something to tell you.
I... Yes, Juliet?
I'll see you after the show, Miss Hanna.
All right, my dear.
And remember what I told you:
project. Yes.
Tr-r-r-rippingly on the tongue.
Oh, Lucy, you should've told her.
She's in for an awful letdown.
No, she isn't.
What do you mean by that?
I am not going to disappoint Miss Hanna.
Somehow, someway, I'm going to do Shakespeare.
(applause) And now...
enough of Shakespeare.
We'll try to entertain you now
with a few feats of magic, legerdemain, hanky-panky
and sidearm snookery.
From the mysterious East...
(courtly Oriental music plays)
(gong clangs)
(audience applauds)
(cymbals playing softly)
The inscrutable...
the inimitable...
the mysterious...
Princess Lu-Si.
(courtly Oriental music resumes)
Professor...
(music stops)
(gong clangs)
(music resumes)
(applause)
(drumroll on cymbals)
(applause)
Ladies and gentlemen,
please.
I must beg you not to make the slightest sound
'cause the princess is in a state of trance.
"Oh, Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
Bravo, bravo!
"Deny thy father...
(clears throat)
...refuse thy name..."
Apparently the princess
is not, uh, in a deep enough condition of trance.
Now the princess...
will feel nothing...
and definitely speak nothing.
"Oh, Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
It just happens that I have
a pack of playing cards in my hand.
LUCY: "...and refuse thy name...
or if thou wilt not..."
Perhaps somebody...
"Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
Romeo?
Romeo, get me down from here.
Romeo!
(applause)
(closing orchestral flourish playing)
ANNOUNCER: "I Love Lucy"
starring Lucille Ball
and Desi Arnaz
has been presented for your pleasure
by Instant Sanka,
the hardy coffee you can drink as strong as you like,
it still can't affect your nerves.
("I Love Lucy" theme song continues)
ANNOUNCER: The role of Miss Hanna was played by Ellen Corby.
Orson Welles portrayed himself.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same time.