Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.Addic7ed.com/
Hey.
I'm... no, I'm not touching it.
I don't pick up the phone while I masturbate...
Unless I'm at work.
A drink now?
No.
No, I can't.
I can't be late for work tomorrow.
♪
Here. To freedom!
Thanks, teen.
[Coughs]
That tasted like paint thinner and ass.
Mine was like intercourse and tears.
Oh, well, I wouldn't know.
I don't remember what sex tastes like.
Like chicken. Wait. How long has it been?
- Six weeks. - Wow.
Six whole weeks... You're like a born-again virgin.
Look, Jason, it's just a bad streak.
You've always been a streaker.
Remember senior year?
In one weekend, you hooked up with that a.E.Phi pledge,
the german girl with the thing on her thing,
and Dr. Phil.
- Who? - The lady Hitler,
the chick with the little moustache.
Debbie Lee. Right.
No, I mean, that was a good week for me,
but being a streaker isn't what I'm worried about.
Seriously, Tina, this could be bad.
Got any weed?
I'm just saying, it's like,
this little dry spell
could easily turn into the drought of the decade.
I don't know. Something's off.
I feel, like, a disturbance in the force.
Maybe you should stop making star wars references.
Here, I'm high.
Yeah, I'm high too.
"for lumps" high again.
Can we get out of here, please?
Being in here makes me feel like I have to poop.
Ew.
[Rock music playing]
[Patrons chattering indistinctly]
It's Brett.
I might go let him give me a foot massage.
By "foot massage," I mean sex.
Just talk to that girl. Go be funny.
Funny to girls is like boobs to boys.
[Sniffs] Smell ya later.
Smell you.
Hi. I'm Jason,
the guy who's been staring at you.
Yeah, I thought I was gonna have to use my mace.
That would've been so embarrassing.
I mean, it's all about tasers now.
Mace is so over.
It's like toe rings
or the Lindsay Lohan legging collection.
Or glaciers or marine life in the Gulf.
Whoa. You just got a little dark there.
"I'm a loner, dottie. A rebel."
Pee wee's big adventure? Oh, my God.
That's, like, the best movie starring a sex offender ever.
Mm. So what do you do
when you're not out being a bar hero?
Uh, yeah... I drive Nascar, actually...
- Oh. - Daytona, Talladega...
Oh, my God. Are you danica Patrick?
Yes. No, but same cheekbones.
Same boobs, too.
You're really funny.
So are you.
Shall we continue being funny over another drink?
Indeed we shall.
Help me take my shirt off,
and I'll help you with your pants.
Deal.
Oh, my God. This is too perfect.
What if you're scamming me
so you can steal my discover card
in the middle of the night?
I mean, what if you're really, like, a sexy transsexual
and later I discover, oops, you have a penis?
I mean, that's always been a secret fear of mine.
I'm all girl, and no one takes discover.
You're safe.
You know, I do have a bed.
Let's do it in your fridge!
Come on!
Hurry. It kind of smells in here.
What a fantastic email this is gonna make tomorrow.
So do you think I'm a slut?
Only in the best, most positive way.
Listen, I had, like, a really great time last night,
but I have a confession to make.
I lied. I don't actually drive stock cars.
[Gasps] I lied, too. I'm not really a woman.
- Technically you are. - [Laughs]
I didn't see any boy parts,
and I double-checked.
I'd make breakfast, but I know for a fact
you don't have any food in your fridge.
[Laughs] We could go get some coffee.
Whoa, it's 9:00? I'm so late.
Is it okay if I borrow these? Uh, yeah.
I hate when my doorman sees me in the same clothes
from the day before.
- It happens a lot, huh? - Ha ha.
Hey, could I... Could I get your number?
Or should I just stalk you?
Actually, I'm kind of lazy.
I think maybe a number might work better.
Okay.
See you around.
Definitely.
Yes! Ohh!
Hey, how are you, boss?
I feel like a thousand dollars...
Which is 900 more than I have in my checking account.
But whatever. I feel great. What are you doing?
New security.
No one will be robbed, raped, or murdered in this store...
Not again.
That's a good slogan, man. You should put that on the door.
Yeah.
Hey, how do you even know how to do that?
Well, back home I worked at a video business.
Had a beautiful, big-breasted girlfriend there, man.
It's hard for a man to be alone, Jason.
Well, here we say, "no man is an island."
Oh, in my country it's... [Speaking native language]
"Ugly girl blames mirror."
Yeah, that's not really the same thing.
Yes, it is.
I need an egg sandwich, and I need it now.
Ooh, you need antibacterial soap
and a barbecue brush.
You need a pregnancy test.
Don't toy with me. I'm fragile.
Okay, whore friend of Jason.
He never remembers my name.
So you had fun last night with Brett, huh?
Yeah. Let's just say I introduced him to God.
You? What happened?
It happened. The dry spell is over!
Great!
I had sex with that girl last night
in my [Bleep] refrigerator!
Yay! Congrats. You're back, man.
I am. I'm back!
God, I feel stronger and more confident,
like one of those guys in the hair transplant commercials.
No, you'd really like this girl, teen.
I mean, I really like this girl.
She's cute, and she's funny,
and she's surprisingly filthy.
These are a few of your favorite things.
Yeah, but she's, like, pretty perfect.
And I played it totally cool.
I was like this young James Van Der Beek.
Er! Uh, that's your gold standard?
- Yeah. - Well, way to go, Dawson.
Wait. I have a question for you.
I was going through Brett's wallet this morning...
Whoa. Wait. You were fishing through his wallet?
Would you ever carry with you
a frozen yogurt frequent eater's card?
I got to get to work, psycho.
Well, there's nine punches on it!
Nine punches? Gay.
[Sighs] Wait. Let me guess...
Dentist appointment.
Sorry. I'm late.
You know, I think I have sleep apnea.
Webmd says I'm, like, a prime candidate.
Oh, no problem.
I'm just gonna start docking your pay when you're late.
Really?
Yeah, really. It's not a democracy, Jay.
I am pharaoh. You are Jew.
Now, go do your job and build me a pyramid.
Everybody's waiting on you.
You know, JB, I actually am jewish.
Oh, great. Happy Hanukah.
Also, the toilet's clogged,
so go part the brown sea, Moses.
Clean it like you mean it,
like you know we're in a recession
and I get emailed a lot of qualified resumes.
By the way, this guy's too tall.
This one's just right.
[Camera beeps]
Okay, uh, you'll be playing,
um, a piece of fruit.
Doesn't say what kind, but they want to see you dance.
How the [Bleep] does fruit dance?
Happy?
Hi, janey. It's Jason.
Ugh.
Hola, janey. Como estas?
Jesus.
Van Der Beek, Van Der Beek, Van Der Beek...
[Line ringing]
[Phone ringing]
[Speaking native language] May I help you?
Hi. Uh, is... Is Jane there?
This is patakan thai.
- Um, is this 555-0114?
This is thai restaurant, okay?
[Phone clicks]
[Softly] Crap.
[Phone beeping]
[Phone ringing]
[Speaking native language] May I help you?
Uh, yeah.
Um, could I have an order to be delivered?
[Pop music playing, phone vibrating]
[Phone beeps]
- Moshi-moshi.
Fridge girl stole my pants.
Here, everyone, meet my new girlfriend.
- You've introduced us to worse. - How are you doing, Jay?
Do you have post-pants depression?
No, but...
I really thought she was into me.
I mean, why would she borrow my pants
if she was just gonna blow me off?
People take sex trophies, Jay.
I mean, it happens all the time.
It's true.
Most of my dish rags are from previous lovers.
- I still have my junior-high boyfriend's retainer.
- Ew. - Well, on the bright side,
at least my career is off to an excellent start.
Yeah, it's been a real banner day.
Why haven't you called Scott yet, Jay?
I mean, I told him you were gonna call,
like, three months ago.
Wait. You want him to take career advice
from Scott lenchner, the guy who asked me
to role-play school bus driver/ sexy slow girl?
Yeah, well, lench was just trying to be funny.
You know, I'm gonna call him this week, stace.
- Good. - Or you'll see him
at Stacey's big birthday bash...
If we ever decide what we're doing.
Look, it's my first birthday in New York,
and I just want to do something fun.
You know, with us both in grad school,
we barely go out anymore.
Yeah. You remember back in the dorm
when sloppy Stacey used to be so punk rock?
- [Laughs] - I was not sloppy.
I just had low tolerance because I wasn't eating much then.
But speaking of rock,
I decided what I want to do for my birthday.
The band waves is holding a super-secret show,
and I think we should all go,
get drunk, and dance.
Cool. You, uh... you like waves?
Yeah. Why?
They're hip. They're new. They're loud.
Oh, screw you guys. I know cool bands.
Anyway, the show is sold out,
but I found this guy on craigslist
that still has tickets.
Jay, can you do me a huge favor
and go meet him outside music hall tomorrow at 10:00?
We've got the tennis championship.
Yeah, we're bringing home the gold, bitches.
What! Boom!
Yeah, sure. I can do that.
Can you see if you can get one for Brett, too?
I thought you only slept with that guy
'cause he's got air conditioning.
Yeah, but now I like him.
Plus, it's been really muggy lately.
- Well, I'll be going solo and pants-less.
Maybe it'll be a good look for me.
Just get over the pants girl, Jay.
Yeah, look, it's time to reevaluate,
time to heal.
Yeah, exactly. So we'll all go out this week
and help you find a new girl,
someone who thinks that irony
is something that tastes like metal...
You know, a simple girl that you can confuse
into banging you.
You are a special, special friend.
Start your boner, Jay. It's on.
[Speaks indistinctly]
Hang on, hang on. Uh, spare some change, sir?
Dude, we have the same phone.
[Chickens clucking]
Hey, lench.
- Jay-bone, all right!
- Hey, thanks for meeting me. - No worries. No worries.
But I got to be quick.
I have to start setting up.
- For what? - Seriously?
You need to start following my tweets.
We're throwing a banger tonight in honor of our first issue.
Hold on. Boom.
E-vited.
So what exactly do you guys do here, by the way?
We're launching a magazine
that focuses on environmental sustainability...
- Wow. - And hot chicks.
Calling it all naturals.
Think models with '70s-era bush
in hemp bikinis, teaching you how to compost.
You know, I didn't know you loved the planet.
Sure. It's a [Bleep] gold mine.
But you, you need some career advice?
Yeah, well, it's a little embarrassing,
but right now I'm, like, a receptionist.
- Whoa. - Yeah. It's not cancer,
but it's just a b.S. Job till I figure out, like,
what I want to do with my life.
Lately I've been thinking about music journalism.
I don't even really know where to begin.
I just can't spend the rest of my life
doing something I don't like
just to get little green bits of paper.
You know what I mean?
- Fully. But you ran out the clock there, Jay-bone.
I got to bounce. Look, let me think on it.
Maybe I know someone who could be your savior.
Great. Really?
I'm pretty popular right now, Jay.
I'm rolling with super-hot locavore sluts
and delicious raw-milk cheeses.
People want to hang with lench.
[Phone vibrating]
Oh.
Digame.
Yo. Your boy lench says hi.
Oh, spectacular jackass, isn't he?
Full metal douche bag.
But he is throwing a party tonight.
Oh. That'll probably be chock full of sluts.
Perfect. Game on.
Cool. I'm just gonna have to pop out in the middle
and buy the tickets.
Oh, okay. Aah!
Oh. Great!
Now I look like the world's tallest baby.
This place is teeming with sustainable hos.
Got to hand it to lench, though.
It's kind of cool.
There he is.
So is, uh, everything dreadlocked?
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Let me be surprised.
Ugh. What up?
Oh, shoot.
It's already 10:00. I should go and buy the tickets.
Wait, wait. Look.
- What? - Cute dorks.
It's time to harvest.
Hi. Great party, right?
Awesome. I'm Spencer.
Thumbelina.
I like your shirt.
I like your potentially clouded judgment.
So what brings you to this party?
We work here in legal.
Jill, what do you want?
- Lawyers. - Yeah.
They're probably clean and will leave early.
You take jacoby. I'll take meyers.
- Whoa. What about Brett? - If our relationship
can't weather a minor indiscretion
with a handsome dork, then what chance do we have?
You know, I hear there's a spot here
where you can churn your own butter.
Let's find it.
Are you expecting a call?
No, there's just something
I should really be doing right now.
God, I should probably go.
Oh, that's too bad, 'cause there was something
I was really hoping to be doing tonight, too.
But I can't do it alone.
- Mine! - Got it.
- Yes! - Mine! Ugh!
- [Grunts] - No, don't do it!
- Match point! - Where is your head right now?
Where is my head? That was all yours.
- That was not mine. - Hey, game point.
Your serve.
Listen to me. We are not losing
to "before" and "after."
What, what!
- Copy? - I copy.
- Okay. - All right.
Locked and loaded, baby.
White lightning. Chocolate thunder.
♪ I'm gonna text you
♪ So I don't do it when I'm high♪
♪ I'm gonna sex you
[moaning]
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Okay.
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
I don't let guys just stick their penis in me
all Willie-nillie.
Know that.
- I'd never stick my penis in you all Willie-nillie.
Okay, I respect your boundaries.
Ow! Ow! If you bite me one more time,
I swear I'm gonna nut-punch you!
- Feel my sword. - Your sword? What, is it sharp?
Oh, my God. Dude, you seem okay.
I don't know. Maybe you plan on skinning me
and turning me into a girl suit,
but either way, I'm not going to your place.
Come on, it'll be totally cool.
Look, it could be frozen and covered with sprinkles.
It's not gonna happen.
I've kind of got this thing going
with this poet/chocolatier.
I don't want to ruin it.
But if you want to pay for the cab,
you can do a little taxi-touching.
- Come on. - Dude, take the deal.
Otherwise, a hand job is a man's job,
and you can get out at the light and mime a vagina.
[Moaning]
Could... could...
Could you do me a favor?
Could you stick your finger in my ass?
Okay.
How's that working for you?
Could you try your thumb?
God. You just never know how the day's gonna end, do ya?
Whoa! You okay, boss?
Not emotionally. Do you sell splints?
What is a splints?
Meyers is a frickin' vampire.
- Whoa. - Hello, Tina.
See, I'm being nice to you today
because of your festering neck wound.
Yeah, well, "whore friend of Jason"
is actually way more appropriate.
What's up with your thumb?
Jacoby's ass.
Her sphincter had the grip of a merchant marine.
This pervy lawyer just made Jane look better,
by the way, so thank you, Tina.
Well, be prepared to up your bummer level.
Stacey just called me.
Apparently the craigslist guy sold the tickets
to somebody else.
Oh, no. That is not good.
No. She is pissed.
- Well, I-I got to figure something out.
- Shingles. - No.
Come on, you know this one.
It's hot. Oh, I'm so...
Ah! Ah! Stage 4 melanoma.
Both: Yes! Dream team!
Okay, next.
[Rock music playing in distance]
That is, um...
That's, uh...
[Clicks tongue] That's... damn it.
Stand by.
Oh, yeah, you got to see this.
Come on. He's pulling a cusack.
[Car blasting music]
Come on, man!
[Tires squealing]
- You ruined my birthday! - I can fix it! I have a plan!
Oh, yeah, Jay, that's really you...
The man with the plan.
No, really, I have one.
You're gonna forgive him, right?
Ah, it's Jason. Jay...
Whoa, whoa. Let's see how long he stays out there.
[Music continues playing]
- [Shouts indistinctly] - Oh!
I don't care if I'm getting older.
My man's gonna be a doctor and give me free botox.
I'm gonna keep you young forever, babe.
You're gonna be my own little Heidi montag.
Hey.
How's your thumb?
Uh, surprisingly sore.
How is your neck wound?
- Uh, itchy. - Ooh.
Wow, Jay! This place looks great!
Nice comeback.
Ooh! How much money did you spend on these dumplings?
Uh, almost all of it.
Oh.
- A crock-pot? Eric, how did you know?
Oh, I knew.
Oh, those two are so in love...
Very boring, slow-cooked, but very tender love.
Speaking of love, where's Brett?
Was it the minor dork indiscretion?
No, I found a coldplay cd.
- Yeah, that's that. - Yeah.
Oh, in all my excitement,
I, uh... I forgot to buy Stacey a present.
Oh, and yet she's still getting a gift
from the both of us.
I put your name on the card.
It's just another one you owe me for.
Wait. What was the first one?
I figured you could use a fresh pair.
Have fun getting them dirty.
Thank you, Tina.
- Tina... - Ugh.
Here.
Hey, look.
Look. I know, right?
I was like, "where is your ear?"
You didn't hear me.
♪ I won't fight
♪ I will not conquer
♪ I won't try to impress your mother♪
♪ I will not dine out late with father♪
? We won't sip wine...
Oh, sweet Jesus.
That girl really got to you, huh?
No.
I just want my pants back. No, that's all I want.
I know you're gonna pick that up after everybody leaves.
And what, do some c.S.I. Crap?
Wake up, everybody!