"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
[Frustrated scream]
Is Victoria trying to iron again?
No, she's reading her daughter Emmy's latest rewrite
of their Lifetime movie.
Oh.
This script is a monstrosity.
Emmy's rewrite makes me come off as some sort of
deranged Mommie Dearest.
This movie was supposed to be my comeback vehicle,
but if I make this movie, I'll be a pariah in this town.
Well... Maybe not in this town,
but, you know, in towns that matter,
like L.A. and New York.
Cleveland is very forgiving.
It's like the elastic waistband of American cities.
It's too forgiving.
Not this again.
She keeps nattering on about some Cavalier baron
usurping king James.
Baron Davis! Point guard for the Cavs.
See? She's just stringing random words together.
Oh, thank God you guys are here.
I've had the worst day.
Sorry, but if you want to vent,
you're gonna have to take a number and wait your turn.
I've been bikini shopping.
- Alone? - Oh, dear God!
Have you lost your mind?
Bikini shopping is a minefield.
One wrong thong and you're a sumo wrestler.
One wrong top and you're a ten-year-old boy.
One wrong bathing suit skirt
and you're the hippo from Fantasia.
Why torture yourself now? Summer's months away.
I'm going to Bermuda next week.
Woman's Day Magazine asked me to speak at a seminar,
and they're having it at this fabulous hotel on the beach.
Women only? Oh, dear.
Men never look past legs and cleavage, but women...
Oh, you'll be judged mercilessly.
That's why I narrowed it down to three suits.
If I can lose enough weight to fit into this,
they'll say, "She looks great."
But if I can starve myself into this, they'll say,
"Has she had work done?"
But if I can dehydrate myself into this, they'll say,
"Oh, my God, I hate her."
I just want them to hate me so much.
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, what a surprise. Flowers.
Victoria, did you send yourself flowers again?
Yes. I had to.
I was that upset about that script.
Actually, they're from me.
Wait, I know that voice.
[Gasps]
Hello, Victoria.
Lucci!
[Ominous soap opera music]
♪ ♪
I've been experimenting with new ringtones.
Hello?
Sync, corrected by Alice www.addic7ed.com
This is so exciting!
We've never had a big star in the house before!
- I'm big, Elka. - Well, sure.
Compared to her, you're a moose!
- Hi, I'm Melanie. - N-n-n-no.
No introductions. She's not staying.
Victoria, please.
When All My Children was canceled,
I had nowhere to turn.
I was curled up in my jewelry closet, hoping to die.
And suddenly, I remembered.
When your soap career imploded, you came here, to Cleveland,
to find solace among the little people.
Oh, please. No one's littler than you.
If I popped your head back, a pez would fly out.
Please, Victoria, don't turn me out.
This is the lowest point of my life.
Oh, boo-hoo!
I am not having 92 pounds of pure evil under this roof.
90! I lost 2 pounds from stress.
Stress! That's what I need!
No, I'm a stress eater! I don't need stress.
Now I'm stressing about stress! Do we have any cookies?
Oh, come on, Victoria.
She's so cute. Can't we keep her?
You two need to talk this out in private.
Can someone show me to my dressing room?
This is a house. We don't have dressing rooms.
Oh, God, I'll never survive in the wild.
Allow me.
Where did you get that?
It was made for me by NASA.
National Association of Soap Actresses.
- Here, try it. - Oh.
That's it! Skyhook!
Oh, I've got to get a message to Baron Davis.
The skyhook is what he needs to up his game!
I can arrange that. I know people.
- Really? - Well, of course.
I'm still Erica Kane.
I mean, Susan Lucci.
Wait...No. That's right, Susan Lucci.
Good morning! Oh, wow, what's all this?
Oh, I just whipped up some goodies
to thank you all for talking Victoria into letting me stay.
Oh, that's very sweet, but I only have a week
to reach my bikini weight, so I'll just sniff a grapefruit.
Oh, sweetie, I have a miracle supplement
that'll make you lose 10 pounds by Saturday
no matter how much you eat.
Those are the most beautiful words I've ever heard!
Before you ask me how my date went last night,
he cried all the way through the Chipmunk movie.
Here, sad sack, have a muffin.
I know a man who'd be perfect for you.
He consulted on our Doctors Without Borders episode,
and now he's with the Cleveland clinic.
What's the catch?
Well, there is one small thing.
He won't be a doctor forever.
He has this crazy notion of someday owning his own winery.
How fast can you call him?
I can do it right now.
And then I'll call Baron Davis,
and then I'll call my nutritionist
about that diet capsule.
Where have you been all our lives?
Mostly? Pine Valley.
I'm gonna say it. I like her better than Victoria.
Elka, we can't like her better.
But we could like her the same.
Well, well, well.
My so-called friends.
Usually, when I eavesdrop from the back stairs
I get nothing, but not today!
Now, don't you see that she's only being nice to you
to further some evil plan to destroy me?
You know, it is possible there is no evil plan.
Oh, please, this is Susan Lucci we're talking about.
Ugh! I have put up with decades of abuse from her.
You remember the year that she snuck my picture
into the "In Memoriam" section of the Emmys?
Unlike you, I intend to be vigilant.
As God as my witness, I will never be Lucci'd again.
[Soap opera music]
Oh, I got a voice-mail!
Thank you so much, she'll be thrilled.
Oh! Good morning, Victoria.
Don't you look lovely today.
Oh, you're good, Lucci.
That almost sounded sincere.
Like Erica Kane when she impersonated a nun
to avoid arrest for the murder of Kent Bogard.
Or maybe you're just being paranoid,
like Honor St. Raven when she thought her kitten
was trying to read her mind.
But you forget that they found a transmitter
in Buttercup's brain,
so I wasn't wrong then, and I'm not wrong now.
No, the real you is just beneath the surface,
barely concealed by all that concealer.
This is the real me, Victoria.
The new me.
All I want is a chance to prove it to you,
like Honor St. Raven proved the existence
of that whole parallel universe.
Well, in that universe, as in this one,
I have eyes in the back of my head,
and they will be watching you.
Excuse me, Elka?
Baron Davis? It's really you?
Yeah, Susan sent me.
I hear you're some kind of sports whisperer?
Yes.
Sit down.
Look, you've got some great skills.
Well, thank you.
I have an idea that can take you to the next level.
Um...
I think that's against league regulations.
No, no!
I want you to bring back Kareem's skyhook.
No disrespect, but Kareem's a legend.
And the skyhook? That's his trademark.
Well, now it can be yours!
I have my own trademark.
My beard has its own Twitter following.
Does your beard have an endorsement deal
or date a Kardashian?
Give me that thing.
You're gonna love Joy. She's a leggy British bombshell.
Really?
When the escort service said that Susan Lucci
was hiring me to seduce someone,
I just assumed it was some skank you wanted to get even with.
You're confusing me with Erica Kane.
I have only the purest motivation.
Just cash lovingly exchanged for sex.
Only sex?
You paid for the full boyfriend experience.
Oh, absolutely.
I want her to know that men can be decent and honest.
Did you memorize your fake backstory?
Yes, I am a wine-loving, commitment-seeking,
- doctor without boundaries. - Without borders.
Oh, there she is! Joy, sweetie!
Joy, this is Dr. David Gethers.
David, this is Joy Scroggs.
I hope I'm just fashionably late.
I'd say gorgeously late,
and definitely worth waiting for.
Well, doctor, don't you have a lovely bar-side manner.
Oh, I just love a story
that's guaranteed to have a happy ending.
Mmm.
Damn it! She's not running from the law,
she doesn't need an organ transplant,
and it turns out that all that stuff
about her being in some satanic cult was just a rumor
that I'm now remembering I started.
People can change.
Thanks to her supplement, I've lost 5 pounds!
I haven't been this happy since the stomach flu of '94,
when I dropped two jean sizes
in three wonderfully horrifying days.
Baron Davis skyhooked the Cavs to another win!
I love Lucci!
Wow.
Someone's dressed to say yes.
I already said yes. Last night.
I've never been with a man who's so eager to please.
"Is it better like this or like this?
Like this or like this?"
It was like the porn version of an eye exam.
I'm off to meet him now.
Hey, Elka and I are gonna go
for some big, gooey cheeseburgers.
- You want to join us? - No, I can't eat.
Lucci's the finger down the throat of my happiness.
Well, suit yourself.
Hey, Elka, can you drive so I can finish these?
Oh, sure.
- Victoria? - [Gasps]
How do you just appear like that?
Are you okay? You seem a little tense.
Well, of course I'm tense.
I know you're up to something, and it's driving me crazy.
It's like one of those movies where the young ingenue
suspects that the hideous crone has a knife behind her back.
Wait a minute!
You do have something behind your back!
Oh, that means that I'm the young ingenue.
All right, let me have that!
No, stop! Stop!
Ah! Ha-ha!
Oh...it's an exquisitely crafted script cover
with my name embossed on it.
It's your movie script. I wanted to wrap it first.
Oh.
Victoria, I really am just trying to be a better person.
I know I have a long way to go, but...
Baby steps.
Well, with those little baby feet,
what else could you take?
Well, there is a slight possibility
that I may have misjudged you.
I really am here because you're the only one
who can understand what I'm going through.
I suppose you're right.
When you've lived in that soap opera reality
for as long as we have, it's hard to get used to...
Reality reality.
I don't like reality reality.
It's too real.
It's tragic, really.
We're the last of the truly great cultural icons.
Without us, the world will be a far less dramatic place.
You'll find that this is the hardest part of real life.
You can't naturally fade out and go to commercial.
- Mmm. - Oh, God, it's...
Melanie?
[Mouth full] Hey, Dr. kagen.
When you came into my office, you said you were fasting
for some bathing suit trip.
You're obviously going with a one piece.
No, actually, the weight is falling off me!
About that, it's lucky I ran into you.
I just got your test results.
You need to come into the office first thing tomorrow morning.
Why?
Oh, my God. Am--am I sick?
Have you been abroad lately?
No.
Eaten any rancid meat off the ground?
No, of course not.
I mean, I ate a pancake that fell on the floor
of the car, but it'd just been detailed.
Melanie...
- You have a tapeworm. - Tapeworm?
It's buried its hooks in your intestinal wall.
That's why you're losing weight.
Well, how big is it?
They can grow up to 50 feet.
We're gonna need some more fries.
Oh! Let me get that.
Unless you're one of those men who's uncomfortable
letting a woman pay.
No, I've made my peace with that.
Cleveland vice. You're both under arrest.
For what?
Solicitation and prostitution.
How dare you! I am not a prostitute.
Of course not.
Well, why do you say it like that?
I mean, I could be a prostitute.
Is it so unbelievable that a man would pay to have sex with me?
Ma'am, he's the prostitute.
[Laughs] But he can't be.
He's so sweet and gentle,
and all he cares about in bed is if I'm happy.
Ohh.
I do want to open a winery though.
Melanie! I've been Lucci'd!
Me too! She gave me a parasite!
She gave me a prostitute!
Mommy, you fired nanny Bridget?
Yes, for helping you hide that hideous puppy
I told you to get rid of.
But Rags is my only friend.
Oh, you're right, Victoria.
She's written you like some kind of a monster,
- which you are so not. - Well, thank you.
You know, maybe Honor St. Raven and Erica Kane
couldn't be friends, but perhaps Victoria Chase
and Susan Lucci can.
[Door opens]
You blow-dried little bitch.
I knew it! What did she do?
She gave me a tapeworm!
I thought you said you'd been taking
- that supplement for years! - I have!
Look at me.
At this point, I'm more worm than woman.
My perfect doctor turned out to be a man-whore.
Elka... Are you mad at me too?
Joy was arrested, Melanie's wormy,
the Cavs are winning.
I'm good.
I can't believe I was this close
to believing that you had changed.
How dare you Lucci my friends!
I wanted them to like me. I gave them what they needed.
Tapeworms and prostitutes?
How did you possibly think this would end?
I don't know.
As Erica Kane, I never had to think more than a week ahead.
I've become my own worst Nemesis.
I'm my own evil twin.
[Dramatic soap opera music]
♪ ♪
Hello?
Baron!
What do you mean you're leaving the team?
I've been Lucci'd!
[Sobbing]
I called you a cab to the airport.
I'll send your American girl-sized clothes along later.
More fake tears? You are a disgrace to NASA!
Wait...
Your nose is actually running?
Oh, my God, those tears are real.
[Muffled] Don't look at me.
Oh...
There, there.
Just keep it in. Don't--don't let it out.
When you play a character for decades,
it just becomes a part of you.
If I'm not Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahy Chandler Roy Roy
Montgomery Montgomery Marrick Marrick Montgomery,
then who am I?
I know what you mean.
When I stopped playing Honor St. Raven Von Klaus
Yokomoto [Clicks tongue] St. Raven, I felt lost.
- It's just awful, isn't it? - It's the worst.
You know, it's been three years for me,
and I still miss it every day.
But you've totally reinvented yourself.
That's why I came here. To see how you did it.
That was your evil plan? To be like me?
Yes. You have a news show,
commercials, now you're playing yourself in a movie.
N-no, but that took time and perseverance
to restart my career.
And this movie may very well end it again.
So tell the producers that if they don't make you
more sympathetic, you'll walk.
There's no movie without you.
This is a star vehicle, and you are the star.
I see another Emmy award in your future.
Thank you, Susan.
I am not doing this movie until it is completely rewritten.
Oh, this is wonderful.
How about we really try to be friends?
Okay.
Uh...Just to be sure,
you're not smiling evilly off into the distance right now,
are you?
Oh, Victoria. This is real life.
Oh.
Mommy, you fired nanny Bridget?
Yes, for helping you hide that hideous puppy
I told you to get rid of.
But Rags is my only friend.
How many times do I have to tell you?
No more wire hair Terriers!
[Evil music]
♪ ♪
Mommy Monstrous,
starring Susan Lucci as Victoria Chase,
will return after these--
She really captures you.
Oh, I can't believe it.
This was her evil plan all along,
to study me and steal my part.
I swallowed a worm.
When they ask at the blood bank
if I've ever had sex with a prostitute,
I have to say yes now.
There, there, Joy.
Sync, corrected by Alice www.addic7ed.com