[ Stabbing ] [ Joel Grunting ]
[ Gary ] Come on, dude, stab it harder!
I'm freaking stabbing it as hard as I can.
The knife handle's slippery.
Maybe you should get a running start. [ Grunts ]
[ Groans ] Yo! What's up, Mom?
[ Groans ] How many times do I have to tell you?
I'm not your mom. I'm your stepmom.
Just call me Carol.
No, I won't. We talked about that.
That's freaking disrespectful.
Yo, Carol, we're going fishing down the creek.
We're gonna bring home a seafood bonanza.
- Awesome. - freaking lobster,
freaking cod, freaking mackerel, freaking creek fish.
[ Groans ]
Damn, dude. Your stepmom's smoking a ton of dope lately.
Yeah. She's bummed out 'cause her and Reggie broke up again.
What? Reggie was a dick! I hate that guy!
I know. He's the worst. He blows his nose in his shirt,
and his hands are all bashed up from fights.
He's the scum of the earth. She deserves better than that guy.
That's what I'm always trying to tell her.
[ Woman On TV ] That bitch Savannah showed up at the restaurant.
Hey, Mom, why don't you go outside and get some fresh air for a change?
- No. - You wanna know what I think, Carol?
I think you're a beautiful woman with a great shape to your body.
You're like freaking Princess Diana.
You could have any man in the world.
Your Prince Charming, he's out there. He's waiting for you.
You just need to go out and find him.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
[ Sighs ] I'm opening the blinds at least.
Yeah! You need some sunshine, Carol!
It's got essential vitamins and minerals!
[ Inhales ]
[ Blinds Open ]
[ Choking, Coughing ]
[ Gasps, Coughing Continues ]
She's a freaking disaster, man. She don't even listen.
[ Sighs ] Close 'em back up.
Damn, dude. ♪ [ Ends ]
My stepmom don't do anything anymore, Darius.
She just lies on the couch in the dark,
smoking grass and watching shows about glamorous housewives.
Why does everybody watch them shows?
It's just a bunch of fake-tittied white women dressed up,
throwing birthday parties for each other,
fighting over somebody bringing the wrong kind of shrimp.
Your stepmom's a pothead, Gary. Plain and simple.
That's 'cause drugs is everywhere. It's an epidemic.
Some dude got caught sniffing cat tranquillizer in my homeroom.
- What the frig? - I ate cat food once. It wasn't bad.
That's not what we're talking about, man.
Why would anyone do cat medicine?
Yeah. That don't sound fun. From the looks of it, he was having a blast.
But sometimes it ain't about fun.
- Some people just trying to escape. - From what?
Life, y'all. I'd be lying if I ain't said I been tempted myself.
Y'all know I got addictive tendencies, right?
Oh, like you're addicted to food, and that's why you're overweight?
Food? Did he just say "food"? I ain't addicted to no damn f...
The Jenkinses are big people. We can't help this shit.
I'm talking about TV, y'all. That's my escape.
Why would you want to escape life? There's so much cool stuff to do.
Yeah. Go outside, run around, sing a song, fall in love.
We built our own lake the other day.
Wh-What do you mean you built a lake?
We dammed up the creek by Gary's house, and now there's a lake.
You can swim, fish. It's awesome.
Hi, guys. This is Alli.
She's new to the school, and I'm showing her around as part of the host program.
Yo, Alli. What's up?
Hey.
Damn. All right. Nice to meet you too. Shit.
What's the host program? I never even heard of that.
It's designed to help new students fit in and make friends.
- I wouldn't be friends with you. - You don't even know me.
If you did, you'd know that I'd be the best friend you ever had,
because I'm honest and loyal, and those are qualities that are hard to find.
Oh, my God. Whatever.
You guys know any drug dealers?
What the frick do you need a drug dealer for?
Man, why you think?
- The bitch want to buy drugs. - Ooh, and now I'm in a bad position,
because technically, as your host, Alli, I'm supposed to report you.
But... call me crazy... part of me thinks we can still be friends.
[ Slowly ] I don't want to be friends with you.
You're a loser.
- Well, you're a wasteoid. - All right, everyone, calm down.
Alli, there's mad fun stuff to do around here besides drugs.
You don't even need 'em!
Nurture your freaking body with sunshine...
instead of pollutin' it with chemicals, you frickin' idiot!
Joel... Okay, Joel. It's cool. I got it. It's just...
It's just when people don't love sunshine, I get fricked out, man.
It gives life to everything, you know?
I get so mad sometimes I can murder the whole world.
Look at me. You don't think I know that?
I wanna kick her head in, but we just gotta teach her through natural actions.
I can hear you guys talking.
Alli, just stick with us.
We know all the hot spots. We will show you the time of your life.
What is this place? It's our lake.
Man, this ain't no damn lake. This is more like a swamp or a drainage ditch.
What are you talking about? It's deep as hell. I can't even touch bottom.
All right! I'm frigging blasting off! [ Yelps ]
- Y'all gonna kill y'all selves. - I'll go.
Fine. Yeah. I'll go. Whatever.
- Where you going? - I'm going home to feed my addiction...
Watch some TV.
Drag my ass out to a drainage ditch,
- trying to tell me it's a lake... - Eagle attack!
He's doing freaking eagle attack! He's doing freaking eagle attack!
Whoo! [ Splash ]
Hey, you guys coming in? The water's great.
- This place is disgusting. - I think it's really cool.
Well, it's definitely cool. I didn't say it wasn't cool. I just said...
Oh, my God! Stop freaking talking about it and go in!
[ Whispering ] There is no hope.
That's a cool drawing, Alli. I draw sometimes too.
Mostly pictures of my dad so I can remember what he looks like.
My dad's the worst.
Ever since him and my mom got divorced, he treats me like shit.
Damn, that sucks. They say divorce mutilates children's emotions.
Yeah, I hate my life.
Oh! I got one! [ Groans ]
Damn, this feels huge! [ Gasps ]
Whoa! It's metal shrapnel!
No, man, it's a wagon! Pull it up!
Blecch. This mud smells like eggs. Are you coming in, Alli?
Yeah, I'll be in in a second.
- Are those my pills? - You're on drugs too?
No, it's my period medicine. I get really bad cramps.
You get your period? That's badass.
You're becoming a woman. It's the sacred change!
Alli, they're not even gonna do anything! [ Snorting ]
They're just gonna make you drowsy!
- I don't care. - That's it! You're out of the program!
The program is stupid.
It's designed to help you. Stop being an asshole and give it a chance!
Okay, okay, everybody. Take it easy.
She's got a rough situation at home.
Let's try and be understanding. [ Grunting ]
[ Grunting Continues ]
Piece of shit! [ Spits ]
- Uh, you all right? - I got mud in my mouth. [ Spitting ]
[ Groans ] I'm tired.
That's 'cause you were snorting period drugs, you numskull!
You're ruining your brain.
It's the most powerful muscle in your body.
Yo, how far is Alli's place, Gary? This ain't even part of our town.
It's the outskirts.
There's barely any houses out here. It's all woods.
- Oh! All right, here it is. - Finally.
[ Gasps ]
Holy shit!
Whoa! You could fit an airplane in here!
This... is the coolest house... I've ever seen in my life!
Yo, Alli, you live in a palace!
It's just a stupid house.
Let's go! [ Panting ]
Whoo! Oh! Look at this bed, man!
I feel like I'm the president!
Dude! This bathroom's huge! It's got two sinks!
Check out this knife, man. It's like a sword!
The freezer's got a robot inside of it. It makes its own ice!
Whoa!
Look how blue that ocean is.
I never been to a beach. It's more beautiful than I ever imagined.
I didn't know people really lived like this.
- I thought it was only in the movies. - [ Man ] Hey, hey.
Who's hungry? I've got Chinese.
What the hell is going on in here?
Man. Thanks again for Chinese food.
It's like the most succulent thing I've ever eaten.
Yeah, sorry we ran around your house like maniacs.
- We couldn't help it. It was too badass. - You must be rich as hell.
[ Chuckles ] Thanks, but I wouldn't say I'm rich.
- I'm just a dentist. - Oh! You're a dentist? Damn!
I've never met a dentist before!
Me, neither. I bet you're a scientific genius.
You've never been to a dentist?
How is that even possible? You're 15.
I brush my teeth with milk sometimes so they get vitamins, but they still hurt.
Okay. Tell you what.
I want you guys to come by my office for a check-up, and I'll take care of everything.
Really? A freaking dental scan?
Yo, thanks, man! That'd be awesome!
Yeah. Man, I don't know why Alli's so mean to you.
You're like the nicest guy in the world.
Well, she's just been going through a bit of a rebellious phase lately.
Yeah, she told us about the divorce.
I'll bet you get to bone a lot of chicks though. Dude!
- You can't say that to an adult. - That's all right.
No. But believe it or not, dentistry is not exactly a turn-on to women.
What? Hey, you listen to me.
You do one of the most important jobs in the world.
Without you, we wouldn't have no smiles.
That's my house right there.
It doesn't look like there's anyone home.
- My stepmom likes the dark. - Yeah. She lives in the shadows.
Keep smiling, dentist man! Thanks for the ride! Thank you!
That was unbelievable. That house was like... It was like a modern castle.
With a dentist for a king. I'll never forget it, Gary.
- You stole their picture? - I wanted to remember the ocean.
It's so frickin' blue.
Yeah, it is pretty sweet. [ Waves Lapping ]
[ Creaking ]
This fish tastes like gasoline.
It ain't no Chinese food, that's for sure.
I wish I'd never seen that house, Gary.
It just made me realize how crappy our lives are.
Yeah. No wonder Carol smokes pot.
We don't got shit.
We just didn't realize it because we didn't know any better.
[ Grunts ] Where... Where you going?
I lost my freaking appetite.
[ Broom Sweeping ]
Hey, boys! Yo, Martin.
Hey, why the long faces? Mmm, look at this guy.
[ Babbles ] "I'm sad."
We're depressed. We're freaking poor.
Hey, I know what it's like to be poor.
Back in Panama, we used to have to eat cat food...
just to put something in our stomachs.
I've eaten cat food before.
No, Joel, no! You don't wanna eat no cat food.
It is bad for us. You hear me?
You never eat cat food ever again!
But one thing I did learn from growing up pobrecito...
is even though you're poor here,
you can still be rich here.
- And that's the truth. - Don't you ever just want to escape though?
Of course I do. And I do that with... prayer.
My best friend, Jesus Christo, he's a good listener. [ Laughs ]
And he's got a lot to listen to. He's all I got.
Hey, where you going, Christina?
My freaking boyfriend's. God!
I know you two are having the sex.
At least one of us is getting laid.
Hey! I'm still grieving.
Mom died freaking 10 years ago! Get over it! Go meet a new woman.
What do you think, this is New York City, Broadway Avenue,
with hot babies all over the place?
- It's not easy! - [ Cursing In Spanish ]
You better wear a "prophylactica"!
♪ [ Pop ] If you get the AIDS, that's your problem.
I'm not paying for the A.Z.T.
[ Sighs ]
So, you guys want to pray with me now?
Nah, that's all right.
I think I got a better idea.
How much do I put in?
I don't know. Just fill it up. I wanna freaking get high as hell.
So anyway, Moms caught me watching one of them NC-17 joints, right?
Took away my TV privileges for a month.
What I'm supposed to do now? This the shit that drive you to drugs.
What about you, Megan? Why are you turning to drugs?
Alli was right. I'm a loser, and I don't have any friends.
Maybe I do need to loosen up a bit.
- We're your friends. - You guys like everyone. It doesn't count.
What about the foreign host program?
I only signed up for that so I could meet people and force them to hang out with me.
Ooh, that's some twisted Glamorous Housewives shit right there.
Yep. Now are we gonna do some marijuana or what?
Darius, you know how to work this thing, right?
Black people don't use bongs. That's some white people shit right there.
The thing I don't get is why Alli's doing drugs.
Her life's not rough at all. It's awesome.
She's got a huge house. She goes on vacations all over the world, eats exotic foods.
Her dad's a frickin' medical dentist.
I'd love to have a dad who was a dentist.
My teeth would be sharp as hell.
I'd love to have any kind of dad.
All I got of my dad is some drawings.
[ Bong Bubbling ] Alli's got everything in the world,
and she don't even appreciate it.
[ Megan, Holding Breath ] It's so simple.
Just set Alli's dad up with Gary's stepmom.
Darren will finally have someone to appreciate him,
Carol will have a decent man with a full set of teeth,
and you'll reap the rewards of his luxurious lifestyle and become better people.
Yeah! Carol would appreciate the shit out of Darren!
And if they hit it off, we get to use the house and all the nice shit in it,
- and we just lock that bitch Alli in her room. - That's a great idea, Megan.
- How'd you come up with that? - I'm high as hell.
- Who's next? - I don't think I'm gonna smoke anymore.
Yeah. We gotta work on hatching that plan you came up with.
Me? No, I just wanted to see what it would do to them first,
but if they're not gonna hit it, then I'm cool.
I'm just gonna read a book.
Come on, guys. I can't be high by myself.
[ Laughs ] Son of a bitch.
[ Joel ] Ahh!
Yo, check it out. I'm getting my teeth washed. Draw a picture of me.
- Tell me, have you been chewing rope? - Yeah.
I've been chewing ropes and wires down at the creek.
I was freaking eating nuts with a squirrel the other day.
So, what are you doing this weekend, Dr. Clark?
Can't say I have any plans. Why?
We want you to come to a barbecue...
so you can hook up with Gary's stepmom and fall in love.
Dude, what the hell? Don't just come right out and say it!
Sorry. She's a beautiful woman.
She's got great shape to her body.
It's true, Dr. Clark. My stepmom is one of the smartest...
and most beautiful women I've ever met.
And you're one of the brightest, smartest men I've ever met.
You guys hardly know me.
It don't matter. I could tell from the moment I met you.
It was like when I met Joel in kindergarten.
I knew he was gonna be my best friend for life.
I cried in front of him a million times, and it don't even matter.
Alli's so lucky to have you as a dad.
And my stepmom would be lucky to have you as a boyfriend.
Well, I can't promise I'll be her boyfriend,
but, uh, yeah, I'd love to meet her.
Oh, seriously? Yeah.
You know, maybe it'd be good for me to get out there again.
It's not easy meeting people when you're a single parent.
Thanks, Dr. Clark. Yeah.
Plus Carol banged her old boyfriend all the time,
and he was a real piece of shit.
She'd probably go wild on you.
Dude! Sorry, man.
I'm excited about my new chops.
♪ [ Rock ] So, what are saying, mate?
You wanna go out on a date with me?
No, Sid, I want you to go out with me and meet women.
I need a wingman, okay?
Let's go to a hot club and get crazy.
I'll freaking drop E-bombs. I don't care.
Yo, Martin. You got any herbs or spices from your homeland that we can borrow?
We're throwing a barbecue to set Carol up with a successful man who loves exotic foods.
Sorry, boys. I live the bachelor's lifestyle.
You know, "hamburguesas" and pizza every night.
But I didn't know Carol was single.
That's a beautiful lady right there.
I'll tell you what, boys
I have a lamb in my freezer I've been saving for a special occasion.
Say the word, and it's yours.
Are you serious? You'd really help us out like that?
Carol's a fit woman,
a striking beauty in the tradition of Lady Diana.
She deserves a man worthy of her beauty.
It would be my pleasure.
♪ [ Hip-hop ] [ Gary ] Oh, nice job, man.
This looks like it's right out of a catalog.
Eh. It's not defrosting the way I'd hoped.
Hello? Am I in the right...
Ah! Yo, Dr. Clark! Come on in.
- This place is a shit-hole. - Allison!
My stepmom is upstairs freshening up. We'll go grab her.
[ Mutters ] What the hell, Carol?
You're supposed to be ready for the barbecue.
That was a real thing? Yeah, it was a real thing.
There's a medical dentist waiting downstairs.
I don't wanna go to the dentist.
You're not going to the dentist. Why can't you listen to me?
I took a bunch of night-time headache medicine.
Why would you do that?
I don't know. We were out of daytime.
Hi, guys. I came over to get high again.
Oh! What are you, a pothead now?
Yeah. It mellowed me out and made me feel super creative.
I started writing a play the other night.
- Is Alli here? - Yeah. Why?
Tell her I'm taking bong hits. But don't tell her I told you to.
What the frick? Why are you still trying to impress that girl?
- She's the worst. - I hate her, but I need her to like me...
so I know I'm not the biggest loser in the world.
[ Groans ] You're too freaking complicated.
Enough's enough, Carol.
Aren't you tired of dating shit-heads like Reggie...
and this guy?
Who's that? My dad.
Doesn't look anything like your dad.
The mouth looks like an asshole.
Well, I'm not a freaking good artist, but it don't matter.
What matters is that there's a decent, successful man down there,
and that guy could be your Prince Charming.
And you could go from watching Glamorous Wives on TV...
to being one yourself.
But you're not even gonna give him a chance.
[ Grumbles ]
Can I take a shower first?
Yeah. Your hair looks like George Washington's. It's out of control.
[ Sizzling ] You're a dentist, eh?
If I were to pay you to implant those teeth in my mouth, could you do it?
I don't really know what you're asking me.
I'm sensing hesitation.
Would it be a question of ethics or technology?
Um, both.
Allison! You're not old enough to drink wine.
Oops. My bad.
Yes, it is your bad. You're excused.
You're excused.
Hola, amigos! I smell barbacoa!
[ Mutters ] So... Hey, where's Carol?
Oh, dear.
Looks like you've got a little competition, mate.
I didn't know you smoked.
There's a lot you don't know about me.
'Cause you haven't even tried to be my friend.
But if you did, you'd know I'm also writing an original play.
It's about my life, and it's awesome.
Getting high and writing a play about yourself is the lamest thing I've ever heard.
You know what? Get out of my face! I don't even care anymore!
You dress like a vampire! [ Lighter Flicks ]
[ Megan's Voice ] You're a wasteoid, Megan.
You're never gonna be liked, and you're never gonna have boobs.
- Huh? - Flatty.
Flatty! Flatty!
I'm not flat! I'm not... Shut up!
[ Shatters ]
Here she is, everyone. It's the woman we've all been waiting for...
my stepmom, Carol. Hi.
Hey, boys. I brought some spices for the barbecue.
But seeing a beautiful woman such as Carol...
is tastier than any flavor.
- Look at you. - Is this the guy?
No, that's Martin. He's our neighbor. You've met him a million times.
This is Dr. Clark.
Ah, hello, Carol. Darren Clark.
You have a lovely home.
Eh, it's my ex-husband's.
Piece of shit ran out and left me with the mortgage and a goddamn kid.
My wife died.
Buddy, I'm ready to meet a woman.
I'm a very unselfish lover.
I will go downtown and never come up.
Martin! Easy, fella. A bit of subtlety would do.
- Uh, this is weird. - Perhaps some snacks would lighten the mood.
Oh, no. Where'd Carol go?
She grabbed my bottle of wine and ran into the house.
I don't think this was a good idea, boys.
No, it's a great idea. She's just being a little shy.
Oh, uh, she seemed to really dislike me.
She's scared. You're all she's ever dreamed of,
and it's terrifying to her.
Women are emotional creatures,
as I'm sure your daughters have amply demonstrated.
[ Laughing ]
That's true, bro! Women are crazy!
Let me have a word with her.
Sid's like the wisest guy we know.
♪ [ Metal, Stops ]
[ Coughing ]
Where's your stepmom?
Ah, shit! Reggie!
- Get out of here, you lowlife! - Yeah, she don't like you no more!
- She's got a new boyfriend. - It's this guy.
He's trying to mack on her, but I told him to watch out for you.
No! I just... It was a barbecue!
How about I knock your teeth in?
He'd just replace them with stronger ones!
He's a medical dentist! Whatever. Pussy.
Hey, Carol, come on!
I wanna talk to you. Why ain't you been calling me back?
Go stop him, Dr. C.! This is your chance to win her heart.
- Yeah, well, I'm gonna go. - You can't go!
- I don't want Reggie as a dad. - What?
I was hoping that you and Carol would fall in love,
and then you'd be my new dad.
Ah! Okay.
Allison, get in the car. Let's go. It's not safe here.
Well, just 'cause he ain't gonna be your dad don't mean Reggie is.
No frigging way.
- We're not scared of you, Reggie! - You're not welcome here no more!
Just get out of the way, Gary.
You guys, I called my mom and told her I'd been smoking drugs.
Not now, Megan! We're dealing with a situation.
Who the hell are you?
I'm the Tooth Fairy, mate.
And from the looks of your mouth, I owe you a lot of money.
Tooth Fairy? What the... [ Groans ]
Yeah! Take that, Reggie!
freaking asshole!
Asshole!
[ Both ] Asshole!
I am way too high for this. Asshole!
Stupid frigging...
Damn, Sid! That was the baddest thing I've ever seen!
You boys showed great courage in standing up to that madman.
And true courage is something that can't be bought.
Ah, thanks, Sid.
Did you bang my stepmom?
- Yes, I did. - Are you guys in love?
Nah. Not really.
Where's my weed?
[ Groans ]
Sync and corrected by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/