Dude, I don't wanna scare you,
but you've got something dark and misshapen on your neck.
Oh, that is totally cancer, and not the good kind.
(Strained voice) Oh, my God. I'm gonna die!
Glad you didn't wanna scare him, Craig.
Look at it. It looks like a chocolate chip.
(Cries)
Yeah. That is a chocolate chip.
Ohh. Oh, thank God.
(Espresso machine hissing)
I don't think you can get any bad news about a chocolate chip.
How about this? There's a giant chocolate chip
headed straight toward earth.
I'm still happy because when it breaks up in the atmosphere,
it's gonna become warm chocolate rain,
and I'll be sitting on my front porch
with a big bowl of cookie batter
waiting for the best day of my life!
You guys are idiots.
- You guys are idiots. - Yeah.
Who, me and her?
Yeah, you and her, you're both idiots.
Sorry, ma'am.
sync by Gatto, corrected by chamallow www.addic7ed.com
Where's Lucy?
Still sleeping. She had one of her nightmares last night.
Really? Why didn't you wake me?
I couldn't find my bucket of water or my bullhorn.
Mommy? Mommy? Mom? Theresa?
Mrs. Keen?
(Sighs) Ridiculous.
Daddy?
(Sputters) Yeah?
I'm sorry, honey.
You live with a band in college,
you learn to sleep through anything.
Oh, I can't hear enough
of those fun "living with a band" stories.
She learned to play every instrument, and I mean every...
- I get it. - Hey. Is my new phone here?
I want to put it in the holster I fashioned with my leather kit.
that'll always let us know where you are.
So no strip clubs, mister.
Ew. Strip clubs? Gross. I'm gonna go watch this charge.
I wish Grant had a smartphone.
I love the guy, but he thinks
technology distracts people from living in the moment,
which I thought was the point.
So what's up with me? Not much.
Just dropped off Jane, the awesome new lady I'm dating.
It's true...
you got to kiss a few frogs before you find a princess,
or one frog for ten years
until you want to hang yourself with a swamp Reed.
Whatever weird thing you need to do
to get your body to perform like a man.
Jane's parents own a coffeehouse.
She said I could play a gig there.
I made up some flyers to paper the neighborhood.
Nathan, I'm borrowing your bike! Come help me move the seat!
So that's great it's working out with Jane.
Yeah, she wants me to meet her parents.
Well, that's the end of that.
Oh, Kenny's not bad with parents.
He's just bad with moms. Really bad.
Like, written apology bad.
Like, wrapped in an area rug and dragged into the forest bad.
Yeah, I'm good with dads. They're all...
(Low-pitched voice) "Yeah," "sports," "things on the grill."
(Whispers) Moms... (Normal voice) they like to pry,
get under your hood, tinker around.
I got stuff under there I don't want to talk about.
Yeah, like the time you gave that guy 200 bucks
for nunchaku lessons, and when you got to his house,
all he wanted to do was brush your hair?
Yeah, Sensei Jerry was weird.
Wow. There are a lot of hot girls in here. (Mouths word)
Which one will I choose to be my lover?
I'm so nervous about meeting Jane's mom. What am I gonna say?
Start with a question about her daughter. Moms love that.
(Strumming) Okay. How about... "Did Jane pop right out of you,
or was it a struggle, like trying to bathe a cat?"
Is that weird? That's weird, right?
Hi, guys.
- Hi. - So, Kenny, are you ready to meet my parents?
Wait a minute. Are both your parents women,
or is your dad, like, French or something?
What do you mean? You know that my parents are lesbians.
I keep saying I'm excited for you to meet my moms?
Oh. I thought you were doing, like, an urban thing.
You know... "Don't talk about my moms."
That's why I kept saying, "word."
You don't have a problem with this, do you?
Two moms. (Laughs) Double the moms!
(Laughs)
Rock on! (Laughs) Yay.
(Resumes strumming) Hi. I'm Renee, the manager here.
Oh, hi. I'm Craig.
So do you have everything you need?
A riser, a microphone,
and a room full of beautiful women.
(Both laugh)
Is it ladies' night?
Uh, it's always ladies' night around here,
if you know what I mean. (Chuckles)
Heh heh!
I'm sorry. I don't know what you mean.
It's a lesbian coffeehouse,
and we've never had a male performer here,
so this should be interesting. Good luck.
Thanks.
"Which one of us did Jane come out of?"
That's an interesting first question.
(Chuckles) Yeah, I'm sorry. Can I start over?
That would mean we both have to keep holding
these polite smiles, but sure, go ahead.
So how long have you owned this coffeehouse?
That's much better.
It's been about a year.
And did the lesbians come with this place,
or do you have to lure them in somehow?
And he's off again.
I'm sorry. I get nervous around moms,
the way they dig into your brain and they never stop until
they figure out all the weird stuff no one should ever know.
But I'm sure that, um, you guys aren't like that.
So what did you do before you owned this place?
We're both therapists.
Suck it.
(Indistinct conversations)
(Amplified voice) Hello, lesbians.
(Conversations stop)
Uh, my name is Craig Griffith,
and, uh, this song is called "Blue Girl."
♪ Blue girl ♪
♪ tell me ♪
(Crowd murmuring) * what's gotcha down? *
♪ what's gonna set you free? ♪
(Murmuring continues)
♪ Is it because society's convinced you ♪
♪ that you need a man? ♪
♪
♪ you don't need a man ♪
(Gravelly voice) * you don't need a man! *
(Woman cheers)
Hey. Grant. Whatcha doing?
Oh, just enjoying this beautiful morning.
Check out this tree. It's full of surprises.
Nah, it never is. Hey. I got you a present.
It is a brand... new... smartphone.
Thanks,
but my current phone suits me fine.
But, Grant, look at all these things it can do.
Here you have your maps. Here you can find any business.
Hmm. Press this,
and you hear a sad trombone sound. (Wah-wah horn plays)
(Laughs)
This is very kind of you, but I don't need these things.
I have my laminated road atlas, a copy of the Yellow Pages,
and a beautiful set of encyclopedias.
Mm.
And as you know...
I play a real trombone.
Mmm.
Ooh, look.
Here's something you don't have a lame, old version of.
It's a game called "Angry Birds."
See? You throw these birds at those pigs.
I don't believe in throwing animals at one another.
But the pigs have stolen the birds' eggs.
Well, that's not right.
I killed last night at that coffeehouse.
Once I found my lesbian groove, I was unstoppable.
In fact, I wrote a song called
"My lesbian groove is unstoppable."
Hey, guys.
Remember how we used to have conversations? That was fun.
Oh, sorry. I got this tracking app for Nathan.
It's great. I can follow his every move.
Oh, no... don't do it, man.
No, not back to the model train store. (Clicks teeth) Ugh.
Stupid pig.
Easy. He's only 13. He's still finding his way.
No. This... this "Angry Birds" game.
These pigs... their behavior's untenable.
Hello, trolls... myself included.
Oh, hey, so Craig tells us
you found yourself in a double-mom situation?
Not just two moms... two therapist moms.
That sounds more terrifying than your worst fear...
a badger with the face of a man.
Ooh. Can we please not talk about madgers?
(Gravelly voice) Kenny...
Stop it.
(Normal voice) Sorry.
Actually, things ended up going surprisingly well with the moms.
And then when I was 8,
my mom accidentally forgot me at the mall.
And that was after she "accidentally" forgot you
at the dry cleaners, the grocery store, and the amusement park?
And the beach, the county dump,
and just over the Canadian border?
(Whispers) Yes.
Were you ever honest with your mother
about how that made you feel?
No, because when you're honest,
then people stop loving you, right?
There it is.
I really opened up.
Called my mom this morning, told her how I felt,
got that monkey off my back.
Although, thanks to Linda and Carrell,
I realized my back is completely covered in monkeys.
(Cell phone rings, beep)
Hey, honey. What's up?
Hi!
How's lunch at Scardino's?
Uh, h... how do you know where I am? Are you here?
No, I had that tracking app installed on all our phones.
So... you'll always know how to find me?
Yeah, how fun is that?
And I see that you're right across the street from the mall.
Can you run a couple quick errands for me?
Um...
Great. I'll text you a list.
Thanks, honey.
But... (Sighs)
(Beep)
Oh, God. (Sets down cell phone)
Theresa's gonna know my every move.
That pig's gotta die.
Oh.
The game.
Right.
I don't know, guys.
Seeing you on the floor like this,
getting ready to suffocate me,
I gotta be honest, I'm having second thoughts.
We're not going to suffocate you.
It'll feel like we're suffocating you.
And if something went wrong,
then the coroner's report would say we suffocated you.
But what we're actually doing is rebirthing you,
because often, people with multiple issues
can be helped by revisiting their first trauma...
which is birth...
or fighting off two lesbians who are trying to suffocate you.
Just kidding.
What the heck? Dial me up to 10 centimeters, ladies.
I'm in!
Push, Kenny.
Push your way into the world. Start your life anew.
Fight, Kenny! Fight to be born!
(Pants)
Happy Birthday, Kenny!
I have a little vacation time saved up,
so I found this amazing villa in cozumel, and I thought
maybe the two of us could have a romantic weekend sometime.
Cozumel. Mm-hmm.
You're playing the game now, aren't you?
I can't stop. It's no longer clear
whether I'm playing the game or the game's playing me.
(Amplified voice) This one's for all my strong sisters out there.
We hear you.
♪ Two locks ♪
♪ who needs a key when you've got two locks? ♪
♪ one lock for you, one lock for me ♪
♪ and the friction sets us free ♪
♪ and you really don't need a key ♪
♪ I'm going down, down, down, down, down ♪
♪ on... ♪
(Craig) Whoo!
(All) * no-man-land *
♪ fellas, tell your story walkin' ♪
♪ no-man-land ♪
♪ gentlemen need not apply ♪
♪ no-man-land ♪
♪ let your ovaries do the talkin' ♪
♪ you and I ♪
♪ settle down ♪
♪ hand in hand ♪
♪ in no-man-land ♪
(Crowd cheering)
Craig, you were amazing.
Thanks, Renee.
I just wish I didn't have to sing into something
shaped like this symbol of male dominance.
(Chuckles) You know, if I were still sleeping
with men instead of women, I would be all over you.
Renee said she'd be all over me.
I think I have a shot, and why wouldn't I?
I am a lesbian folk hero. I fill women's gay hearts with song.
I'm happy for you, and in all honesty,
I'm also surprised, because of your modest level of talent,
and in further honesty,
I'm wearing your socks and have no plans to return them.
- What's wrong with you, man? - I've had a breakthrough.
I'm starting with a clean slate now, and according to the moms,
I have to be totally honest with myself and those around me,
my overpaid friend.
I earn my money.
Eh.
Okay, listen, I got a problem.
I need one of you to take my phone later today,
and if Theresa calls, pretend to be me
and text her back that I'm stuck in a meeting.
That's not honest, so I'm out.
And I will not help a man
put one over on his sister like that.
Come on, guys.
Theresa's tracking my every move with this new phone app.
What do you care? You have no life.
- I have a life. - Eh.
Okay. There's someplace I go every day for half an hour
on my way home from work,
and Theresa doesn't know about it.
Ooh, really? Very mysterious.
- Having an affair? - Botox?
- Digging a well?- Hog-tying?
- Training monkeys? - Skeet shooting?
Grave robbing? It's grave robbing, isn't it?
Look at you. It's obvious. Ugh, I'm gonna be sick.
No, it's none of that.
Just an innocent thing I do to unwind.
- Car wash? - Battlebots?
- Ribbon dancing? - Stop guessing.
It's just somewhere I go...
Spain. (Scoffs)
It's something I've been doing since the kids were little,
but if Theresa finds out I don't go directly home after work,
she'll think I'm shirking my responsibilities as a dad.
Aren't you? - Yes.
I mean, between work, the chaos at home, you guys,
getting up with Lucy in the middle of the night...
I... I need a break.
Well, if you don't want Theresa to know where you are,
just get rid of your phone.
Yeah. That way, anytime you want, you can go to the...
- Teen Choice Awards? - Oktoberfest?
Get out.
So I bought Grant this new smartphone,
and now he's addicted to this stupid game,
and he can't stop playing it.
I guess you should have just accepted him for who he was...
a warm, generous man who buys plane tickets
by writing a letter to his travel agent.
Mm.
Hey.
Hey. I was looking for you today.
You were off the grid.
Mm. Yeah. You know what? Uh...
I got rid of my phone and, uh, took Grant's old phone.
What? Why?
You know, Grant's right. Who needs all this technology?
Plus this thing is unbreakable. (Banging)
Heh.
(Rattle)
Well, that probably wasn't a good idea.
But how am I gonna know where you are all the time?
Well, look inside your heart, baby doll.
That's where I'll always be.
(Chuckles) Ohh. "Baby doll"? Something is up.
Last time he called me "baby doll,"
he clogged the toilet at the governor's mansion.
(Piano playing)
(Clears throat) Let's go home, baby doll.
I don't need to meet the governor.
Good lord.
Needless to say, we have not been invited back.
Ohh. Will's definitely up to something.
- We should go torture Kenny... - Yes!
I was gonna say, "to find out what's going on."
Oh, torturing Kenny with a goal.
Seems a little structured, but okay.
(Indistinct conversations)
Listen up, lord of the ring dings.
We need some answers.
Why did Will get rid of his phone?
Because he doesn't want Theresa tracking him.
What? Why not? Where is he going?
I have no idea.
- Don't lie to us. - I don't lie.
I've squeezed through an upholstered birth canal
into a new world of truth.
Behold.
When we were coming back from Belize,
I'm the one who suggested to customs
that you were smuggling diamonds inside of you.
That was you?
I believe the exact phrase I used was
"butt full of diamonds."
Sorry. I was mad you didn't let me
have the window seat on the plane home.
All right, new honest Kenny.
What do you know about what Will's up to?
I know that every day for the last ten years,
he's been shirking his parental responsibilities after work
instead of coming right home.
Unbelievable.
So for years, my husband's been leaving me alone
at the most chaotic time of the day
so he can run around doing God knows what?
Well, I'm shutting that down.
How? Creepy pod Kenny doesn't know where he goes.
Tomorrow, I will swing by Will's office,
slip Nathan's phone into his car, and track him. Ha.
By the way,
after we got divorced, I kept several of your bras.
Occasionally I lay one on the back of the couch
and I watch a movie with it. (Smacks lips)
(Cheers and applause)
(Amplified voice) Thank you, ladies.
This first song goes out to a certain woman
who's been denying herself something for a long time.
It's called "Try it again: Renee's song."
♪ Hey, sweet Renee, there'll come a day ♪
♪ when you may say, "am I really gay?" ♪
♪ if you say nay, that's okay ♪
♪ you can sway the other way ♪
(Crowd murmuring)
♪ You can try it again ♪
Hey. He's a turner.
(Crowd) Yeah.
Wait, what? What's a turner?
You think all gay women are just waiting
for the right man to come along and turn them straight?
How dare you?
(Women shouting indistinctly)
No! I'm not trying to turn all gay women.
I just want to suggest it as a possibility to that one.
(Sighs)
Hi, Renee.
You should leave, Craig.
(Crowd) Yeah.
♪ Should I leave? ♪
Yes, you should.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey, honey.
Hey.
So, uh, you want to go do something fun to me in the car
which I may or may not reciprocate?
Uh, no.
Are you sure? Because I really like your body.
Although, as you can tell from my body,
I have incredibly low standards for bodies.
Okay. We're done.
But I was gonna ask you about your day.
(High-pitched voice) Now I'm lonely!
Huh. Fruity fruit squares now come in grape.
That's new. (Sniffs) Good for them.
Hey, guys. You see the...
Yeah. Fruity fruit squares added grape.
We're living in crazy times. This is Rick, the new guy.
Thank you for letting me join your group.
It's called "Dads club."
Not called "Dads club." It's "Hell's dads."
Well, I liked "Dawn of the dads,"
but Carl thought it was too spooky.
So how's it going, Rick?
Not good.
It's my 4-year-old.
He favors my wife over me. I'm feeling a little left out.
- That's tough, yeah. - Been there, been there.
Well, the mother-son bond is strong,
but you want to trump it?
Teach the little guy how to pee off a deck.
So true.
There's his car. What is he doing at the Stop and Sip?
Ooh. Maybe he's got a Mini-Mart whore. That's a real thing. (Shifts gears)
I know because some lady yelled it at me the other day
when I was wearing short shorts at the Quick-N-Stop.
Those were insanely short shorts,
and I doubt that's what Will's doing. (Seat belt clicks)
But he is ditching me at the worst time of the day,
and for that, he pays.
Oh, my God. What are you gonna do?
What? Oh.
Nathan bought this plastic bat here a few weeks ago,
but it has a crack in it, so I might as well return it.
Mm-hmm.
Having a family and working full-time is hard,
but getting together for this half-hour
where no one wants anything from me,
drinking 44 ounces of soda and looking at magazines...
I mean, that makes me a better father and a better husband.
That's what "Dadliest catch" is all about.
I mean, without this group, which we still haven't named,
I would be completely stressed out around my family,
and I have the greatest wife in the world.
I don't want to screw that up.
Will...
Theresa.
- Wife. - With a bat!
Uh, I... I just stopped by, uh, to pick up some things
on the way home that I thought the family might enjoy,
like, some, uh, lighters, uh...
Will. It's fine. I know why you're here.
Kenny told me, and I am okay with it.
- You are? - Parenting's hard.
We all do little things to get us through the hell of raising children.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
What do you do?
(Inhales sharply)
Mommy? Mommy? Mom? Theresa?
Mrs. Keen? (Sighs) Ridiculous.
(Lucy) Daddy?
(Will sputters) Yeah?
Seriously, what do you do?
It's fine that we both have our little secrets.
Mwah.
But mine's not a secret anymore.
See you at home, baby doll.
"Baby doll"?
So I realized something.
Apparently, lesbians are not women who are waiting
for the right man.
They're actual lesbians.
Ohh, lesbians.
No word from Jane?
It's over. (Sighs)
Honesty is not a good color on The Kenster.
Neither is calling myself "The Kenster"
or pointing at myself with "The Thumbsters,"
and that's the last you'll see of any of those things,
including honesty.
By the way, I really like your music.
Really?
Sure. Why not?
(Clink)
Uh, Grant?
Grant, these nice therapists helped Kenny,
and I thought maybe they could help you, too.
Is it about the game? Please be about the game.
Good. I want you to...
(Growls)
Don't give up. Grab it.
Good.
(Growls)
Ignore that. Harder.
Yes! (Laughs)
Stop!
No! Ignore me! Run!
Give me the phone! Go! (Crying)
sync by Gatto, corrected by chamallow www.addic7ed.com