Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jimmy!
Thank you. Wow, what a terrific audience.
I know what most of you are thinking.
"Hey, that guy stole my shoes. "
Wow, what a great audience.
And how about this Michael Jackson guy, huh?
I mean, come on.
Wow, what a great audience.
Lights, please?
Hey, Jimmy.
Butters, where is everybody?
Oh, yeah, well, about that...
Christopher Reeve came to town to do some kind of show,
and everyone went to see him.
Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve!
You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy who played Superman?
I know who he is!
But why is everyone ditching my comedy show to see him?
Well, because he got crippled, but now he can move his fingers.
He's an inspiration to us all.
That's why everyone ditched on your show.
So then how come you came?
Well, because I said I would.
I'm a dork, huh?
And so without further ado, here is the most courageous,
most amazing man on the planet,
Christopher Reeve.
Thank you, thank you. Wow, what a great audience.
I just flew into South Park.
Used to be I didn't need an aeroplane!
As most of you know,
I am a strong supporter of stem cell research.
Say, fellas, thanks a lot for going to my comedy show!
We didn't go to your comedy show.
I know that! I was being facetious!
Well, dude, Christopher Reeve, dude.
Christopher Reeve! Whoop-dee freaking do!
Dude, that's not cool.
You shouldn't make fun of Christopher Reeve.
Yeah, dude, not cool.
Though it is controversial,
stem cell research is critical
in the quest for helping
the disabled.
I put together a comedy show, and I was crippled from birth!
Guys, I think we'd better stay out of this one.
Yeah, this is starting to look like something
we shouldn't be any part of.
Let's just go play with trucks or something.
Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy?
Timmy!
Why is a celebrity who became crippled more important
than us that were born that way, very much?
Timmy!
In the coming days,
I will prove to the world
that stem cell research is a miracle.
Move it, Kenny.
- Hey, there, fellas. - Oh, hey, Jimmy, hey, Timmy.
Timmy!
Say, would you guys like to join our club?
Oh, I'm sorry, you can't, you aren't crippled.
- What? - To be in our club,
not only do you have to be crippled,
but you have to have been born that way.
You know what that means?
No butthole Superman asswipe Christopher Reeve!
That's nice, guys. We're just gonna stay out of this one.
Hey, wait a minute, you guys can't just start a club
and tell me I can't be in it!
Sorry, able-body, you can't join.
Can, too!
Hey, Timmy, how many able-bodied people
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One!
You know what you call an able-bodied guy on the doorstep?
Whatever his name is.
- Oh, God damn it! - Cartman, just stay out of it.
But they say I can't be in their club!
Cartman, trust me. We don't want any part in this one.
Hello, Mr. McGillicuddy.
Hello, boys! What can I do for you?
Timmy and I have made a T-shirt design for our new club.
We just came up with the name this morning!
Boys, I don't think you want to wear these shirts.
Why not?
Well, because there already is a group that calls themselves the Crips,
and I don't think they'd like it too much.
There's already a Crips?
Well, sure, they're all over Five Points area in Denver.
You've never heard of them?
No, we never have!
Are they crippled from birth,
or are they cripple wannabes like Christopher Reeve?
I am staying out of this one.
Can you believe it, Timmy?
All this time there was a group for truly crippled people like ourselves,
- and we didn't know it! - Timmy!
Come on, we've got to take the bus to Five Points in Denver.
My guest tonight is the brilliant star of stage and screen,
Mr. Christopher Reeve, who,
with the help of stem cell research, is now able to move his arms.
Thanks for having me on again, Larry.
All right, Chris, the whole world is waiting.
Why don't you show us what stem cell research has done for you?
Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks?
Now, Chris, there's some people who say stem cell research is wrong,
that taking cells from a foetus is unethical.
Well, it just proves that the public needs to be educated
about stem cell research.
See, the stem cells from a foetus like this one
can form into whatever cells of the body are damaged.
They are the most powerful thing on the planet.
And how does someone like yourself
make use of the stem cells, Chris?
Well, it's very simple.
And now you can see, my arms have better movement.
Wow. Wow.
Excuse me, sir, we're looking for a group of people called the Crips.
- You are? - Do you know where they meet?
We've already tried the rec centre and the library.
The Crips hang out in that old warehouse down there,
but nobody goes in there.
It's okay, we're crips ourselves. Come on, Tim-Tim!
Timmy!
Well, hello, everyone!
I'm Jim Swanson, and this is my friend Timmy.
Timmy!
Timmy.
Well, let us tell you a little bit about ourselves.
Timmy and I are both true crips, born and raised.
We're the only crips in South Park, where we live,
and would love to join your fantastic Denver chapter.
Is they for real, man?
We just have one question before we join your club.
Do you think it's better to be born a crip,
or to become a crip later by accident?
The only real Crips is born Crips, dawg!
Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident, fool!
I agree. I mean, it's like, come on!
Why do these people who become crips later in life
think they are such great potatoes?
Timmy!
Well, we're glad you see it our way, fellas.
So can we join your group?
All right, you wanna thug with the Five Point Crips?
Bitches, all you gotta do is pop some punk-ass Bloods.
Well, sure, Tim and I would love to pop some punk-ass Bloods.
We're terrific at it.
Timmy?
I don't know, Timmy. Just play along.
Timmy!
So you saying you're down?
Down like a clown, Charlie...
Down like a Clown, Charlie...
Down like a Clown, Charlie Brown.
Say, Timmy, did you notice that all the crippled people
in that club are Negroes?
Timmy!
That's an amazing coincidence.
I mean, there's not one crippled coloured person in South Park.
Hey, you kids.
Well, hello, Officers.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
We're going to pop some punk-ass Bloods.
Timmy!
Look, Timmy, there's a convenience store.
That must be what the fellas meant by, "Pop some punk-ass Bloods. "
They want us to get them some soda pop and treats!
Oh, Timmy!
Let's buy them ginger ale and marshmallows.
Then they'll let us in the club for sure.
Oh...
Sunday driver.
Yo, yo, listen up, y'all.
Let me tell you about my lil' Gs, Roller and Four-Legs, here.
They just smoked 13 Bloods in one night.
- One night? - Yeah!
That ain't never been done before!
And they got us marshmallows and ginger ale.
- My man. - That's right.
So does that mean we can join the club?
You're not just in, you're the baddest mo-fo Crips in town.
C- Pop, turn up the beats,
so we can celebrate our new Gs Five Point style.
All right.
Wow, these guys really are crippled.
Timmy, I have a feeling this is the start of something wonderful.
Timmy!
Thanks for the ride home, fellas! We sure had a terrific time.
All right, keep it real, lil' dawgs.
You dawgs keep it real, too.
Timmy!
Well, that sure was a terrific time.
Let's go all around tomorrow and show everyone our new outfits, Timmy.
Timmy!
There you are, Jimmy!
What up, masey? Yo, pops!
Jimmy, your mother was getting worried about you.
No need to worry about me.
I'm cool like a fool in a swimming pool.
Tom, I'm standing out front of the stem cell research facility with terrific news.
Christopher Reeve, who was once paralysed,
claims that he can now stand.
Thank you, everyone.
To most people, this is just an ordinary foetus,
but to people like me, it's hope.
What an inspiration!
Tom, many celebrities have spoken out in protest of stem cell research,
but after seeing this, how can they protest now?
Stay clear, guys, stay clear.
Yup, I'm not saying anything.
Hey. Hey, I no want no trouble!
Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung Pao chicken, please.
I no want no trouble!
You just take what you want and leave!
- Timmy! - Okay, okay!
- I opening register. - Timmy!
What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade, please.
Timmy.
Here, here $112. It's all I have. Take!
You take! $112!
Are you sure?
I no want no trouble. Just take it and leave!
Well, gee, that's really nice of you, Mr. Chinese person.
Look, Tim-Tim, we got a cash prize.
We must be the 100th customer or something.
Here, here, two order Kung Pao chicken and small ice tea.
Actually, it was a regular lemonade.
I sorry! I sorry! I no want no trouble!
Here, lemonade. Now go! Just go!
Gee, thanks a lot! See you next time!
Timmy!
Hello, police? I just been robbed by two gang members.
Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the kitchen, please?
Yo, mamsy. What's up, pops?
Have a seat, Jim. Your mother and I need to talk to you.
Son, your mother and I have noticed a change in your behaviour,
and we're worried that you might be involved in a gang.
A what? Oh, you mean the fellas.
Well, sure, but I can't talk about the club
on account of it's super secret, dawg.
Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true!
Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean, come on.
I'm finally a part of something, very much.
Jimmy, those people you're hanging out with are no good.
Yo, don't be dissing my niggas, dawg.
They're my friends.
And what about your stand-up comedy, Jim? Huh?
Are you just giving up on that, too?
Nobody cared about my stand-up comedy!
All that hard work, just to be outshined
by Christopher Reeve, the super butthole.
Jimmy, we've told you before, God made you the way he did for a reason.
Right, because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school.
That's right. You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God
to teach your mother and I a lesson.
And that's a big responsibility, Son.
Look, my gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret,
is the most important thing to me now.
And if you two don't like it,
you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.
Where is that delivery of new foetuses?
I'm feeling weak again.
Here's the new shipment, sir.
Hello there, Christopher.
Well, well, Gene Hackman, my old nemesis from the movies!
How are you?
I'm good. And you?
I'm better with each passing day, stronger and more agile.
Christopher, I've come to ask you to stop what you're doing.
What?
Using stem cells is like playing God.
You should leave nature alone.
And go back to the way I was?
Is that what you're saying, Hackman?
I'm saying that sometimes you need to just live
with the cards you're dealt, Christopher.
Stop calling me Christopher!
That name no longer has meaning to me.
Christopher was someone who lived in a wheelchair,
always being pushed around by others!
The old Christopher Reeve is dead!
From now on I am...
Chris.
Sixty-five bottles of beer on the wall
Payback time, mother...
Jesus Christ!
Holy guacamole!
Freaking frijoles!
Leaping langoustine.
East Side Bloods!
We're detectives Hyde and Richardson from the special gang unit in Denver.
Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's houses, Officers?
Word on the street is it was a retaliation hit by the Bloods.
The Bloods?
You know, smart mouth, your rival gang.
The Bloods are at war with the Crips. They kill each other all the time.
They do?
Don't act like you don't know, you little punk!
The Crips and Bloods hate each other,
and if you stay in that gang, you're gonna end up dead, too.
But why do they hate each other?
Look, kid, I used to be a Crip myself, but I'm not any more.
Oh, so you used stem cells like Christopher Reeve?
Come on, the only way these kids are gonna get out of their gang
is to get killed.
Sarah!
Oh, boy, Timmy, we should have never started a gang
for people crippled from birth.
Now they're at war with the people who were crippled in an accident.
Boy, were we wrong.
Timmy.
Wow, we've got to do something, Timmy.
We've got to get the Crips and Bloods to stop fighting.
I bet if we could just get them together... But how?
Wait a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at the rec centre.
We did it for our church once.
All we do is rent out the rec centre overnight.
They lock the doors so nobody can leave,
and everyone has the whole night to play in the swimming pool
- and laugh and talk. - Timmy!
You get all the Crips you can to the rec centre tomorrow night, Timmy,
- and I'll try to get all the Bloods there. - Timmy!
This is gonna be terrific!
Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher Reeve
had a horrible accident and was paralysed.
The irony, of course, was that the man who played Superman
could no longer walk.
America watched in wonder as he managed to move one of his fingers,
then his arms and now, seen for the first time on HBC,
Christopher Reeve is going to lift a truck up over his head.
Oh, what a fighter.
That brave, brave man.
He's an inspiration to us all.
Tom, the irony is even more irony-y, as it appears that the stem cells
have given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman strength.
Chris, that's enough.
Hello, Gene, so good to see you.
You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop using stem cells.
Stem cell research has made me stronger than I ever thought possible.
Why stop now?
Tom, apparently Gene Hackman,
the man who played Superman's enemy Lex Luthor in the movies,
has now shown up as a celebrity protester of stem cell research.
If that isn't ironic, Tom, I don't know what is.
They're affecting your mind, Chris.
If you won't stop using stem cells, then we'll stop you.
Stop me? Stop me?
You won't stop me, Hack Man!
Tom, if irony were made of strawberries,
we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
Come on in, everybody, lots of surprises and treats inside.
Great to see you all. What a terrific audience.
You sure you got everything you need, young man?
We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Appleby.
Just remember to make sure the kids play safe in the pool area.
- You bet. - I'll be back at 7:00 to let you out.
You kids have a good time.
Oh, we will.
- The Bloods! - Oh... It's a trap!
Mother... Crips trying to smoke us all out!
What the hell is going on here?
It's called a lock-in at the rec centre.
We can use all the rec centre facilities.
We can play basketball, go swimming, or even just
kick it in the lounge area with games and puzzles.
Timmy!
But nobody can leave until 7:00 a. m.
So if you want to have a good time,
you're all just gonna have to learn to get along.
There's pizza.
Tom, over five years ago, doctors told actor Christopher Reeve
that he would never walk again.
But the resilient actor fought back, struggled against all odds,
and has now built his very own Legion of Doom.
The once immobile Mr. Reeve says his new organisation
will be committed to world domination and evil.
What an inspirational story, Tom.
I have chosen each member of this elite group of super villains
for their outstanding treachery, their desire for world conquest
and their hatred of all things good.
And I've assembled this group for one purpose,
to once and for all find a way to
get rid of Hack Man.
How about domination of the world?
Yeah, or death to the infidels!
Silence! Our job is to see to it that Hack Man is put out of commission.
Oh, boy, General Disarray, maybe we just ought to stay out of this one.
Not so fast, Chris.
Hack Man!
We've just helped pass a ban on stem cell research.
Your foetus sucking days are over!
No, no!
And now we're going to put you somewhere
where you can never touch another foetus again.
You stupid mo-fos are dead.
Make the first shot, punk!
Hold it!
Don't you see?
It doesn't matter if we were crippled from birth or crippled in an accident.
We're all brothers!
Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers!
Look, we have the whole rec centre to ourselves!
Can't we all just try having some fun together?
- You talking crazy, dawg! - Yeah, we ain't playing, sucker!
Why don't we at least give it a chance? I mean, come on.
Wait a minute. What did you say?
I said, "I mean, come on. "
You know, maybe he's right. I mean, come on.
Come on.
I guess we could at least give having fun together a try.
It's like, come on.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, that's right, come on.
- Come on. - Come on.
Yeah, come on.
Gotta give you two dawgs props for putting an end to all this hating.
I told you, lock-in at the rec centre always works.
And you know, I've learned something, too.
I was playa-hating Christopher butthole Reeve,
because he got more attention than me.
But just like you guys, I need to learn to control my anger.
Right on.
Hey, lil' roller, try some of this chronic...
Timmy!
Well, I guess we all learned that trying to get along
is way better than playa-hating.
The gang wrote a song about it. Why don't we listen in?
Used to be Crips and Bloods didn't get along
But now we're all a family and so we wrote this song
Crips and Bloods
Hope and love
Friendly thugs
You haven't seen the last of me, Hack Man!
I will be back!
Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of that one.
Me, too.