Ooh. Scary movie.
I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
We're not watching this, Jess.
We're watching it.
So fun, hanging with the dudes...
eating ice cream, watching scary movies.
We're not scared. We're dudes.
Shh.
You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen Fame?
It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare...
taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time.
The cafeteria, the street...
Oh! Ugh.
Oh, God. That's so much blood spurting.
Mm. So good.
That guy's gonna blow himself up. Wah, wah.
Why would that guy blow himself up?
Sorry. I saw it in the theater.
You know what else we should watch? An American Tail.
It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart...
All right. - Wait.
I didn't know she was... - Where you going?
Hey, girl
What you doing?
Hey, girl
Where you going?
- Who's that girl? - Who's that girl?
It's Jess
- You know where you're taking her? - No.
Need a list of my sexiest date spots? It's been a while for you.
- Want me to stretch you out? - It's not a date, Schmidt.
Actually, I don't know what it is. She's, uh... She's a little hard to read.
Wouldn't it be funny if we, like, went out? Like...
- Do you want to go on a date? - Yeah.
We'd, like, "go for dinner," and, like, the two of us would, like, do stuff.
- Is that a yes? - I know, right?
- You wanna get dinner? - I know.
Sometimes she's so ironic that I think she's being serious.
I get it. Led Zeppelin is classic, but it's no, like, Steve Miller Band.
Heh, Steve Miller Band? "The Joker"? Ha.
I have three date packages. They work every time.
Package A: Close-up magic, dinner, drinks.
Package B: Close-up magic, drinks.
Package C:
Close-up magic.
You have a date? Fun. I wanna talk to you guys about this stuff.
- With Amanda. - Schmidt.
Amanda? From the bar?
Whoa. She's a looker.
Hotchie-motchie!
Heh. Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
- No. - Whoa. Big deal alert.
Scary stuff, kids. Yeesh. Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck.
- This is why I don't talk to you. - You're gonna be fine.
Don't worry about it, just, pfft, suck in the gut.
- What gut? - The little pooch...
where you keep your extra cookies.
Unh, all right.
Well, if you have this rhythm You have a patch
Yellowman mend it
Yes, you have something Done mend it
Me set it
Zunggu zung gugu zung guzeng
So if you have a paper You must have a pen
And if you have a start You must have a end
So five plus five It equal to ten
And if you have goat
I had a lot of adventures in this room while you were gone, Winston.
- Ah. How'd the job interview go? - You know, terrible.
Did you see the JWOWW retweet of the Gaga TwitPic?
I know Word. And I can open a document...
save it, save as, print, print preview.
She wanted to chitchat about stuff I've never heard of.
You gotta get up to speed, man. The chitchat is the interview.
I've spent the last two years of my life in Latvia.
I was playing ball. I didn't read the news!
I have no idea what happened.
I've got interviews tomorrow. What'd I miss?
- From the past two years? - Give me the highlights.
Highli... Okay. Uh, country's broke.
Mm-hm.
- Betty White's back. - Ah, Cool. Cool.
What about the rest of the Golden Girls?
They're all dead, man.
Damn. You know what? Give me your computer.
I gotta get started, man. I'm going in.
So take to toy Playgirl all them call him joy
You no to call Yellowman no boy
You no to call John John no boy
You no to take I and I to boy
Zunggu zung gugu zung guzeng Watch it
It is what it is.
Hey, Nick, can you turn down that music?
- Hey, Nick, can you...? - What? What are you...?
Oh, my God!
Look at you. You're like an animal.
- Uh, what are you watching now? - The King's Speech and Human Centipede.
Next up: Precious and "David After Dentist."
- You're doing a good job. - Okay, test me.
Hit me with the chitchat.
Ask me anything. Chitchat. Let's go.
- You gotta... - Let's go! What you waiting for?
- You're getting intense. - You're intense.
- I think you need to bring it down. - Ahem.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Something's happened.
It was totally an accident. Not a big deal.
I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it.
But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
- What? - What'd she say?
I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles.
But it's not a big deal.
Ain't no thing. Ain't no thing.
- Oh, Nick, hey. - Hey.
- So that was weird, right? - I'm running out the door, Jess.
- I think we should talk about it. - Talk about what?
About me seeing your peen.
The peen what I saw.
Bonjour, le peen.
- You're blocking the door. - Okay. Cool. Have fun on your date.
Tell that guy to behave. Ha-ha-ha.
- The adventure begins. - Okay. Excuse me, Jess.
That was so horrible.
What am I gonna do? He's never gonna speak to me. I'm so embarrassed.
It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff a million times.
You have? I mean, how?
We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights...
it just happens. - Why haven't I seen it?
- Why do you wanna see it? - He's my best friend.
Again, why do you wanna see it?
What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured...
and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts?
And I'm standing there and I'm saying, "Sorry, officer, I can't help you...
because, no, I haven't seen his penis."
And then, boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.
- Again, why do you wanna see it? - What did it look like?
- What do you mean? - Just say when. Serious... Seriously?
Are you ser...? Are you serious?
Okay, you know what. This is impossible. I'm starting over.
- Schmidt, I need your help. - Okay, all right, ugh, all right, Jess, fine.
- What happened after you walked in? - I don't know. I kind of laughed.
Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man. And especially Nick.
Nick is delicate, like a flower.
Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself. Now, listen to me.
You're gonna act like this never happened.
We live together. We're a family. Families talk about things.
No. Families ignore things until they go away.
Hey, Mom, hey, Mom, hey, Mom. I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
Mom, Mom, Mom. I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
No one wants to talk about their feelings, Jess.
- Never talk about this again. - Okay. I'll ignore it.
- Not gonna talk about... - Or sing about it.
The bing-bong
This is my chambre. Ha-ha-ha.
What does that mean? Ha, ha.
Mm. You're a good kisser. Heh.
Heh. Can we be serious?
- Do you mind just being serious? - I'm gonna get serious on your face.
- Yeah, I have no idea what that means. - Ha-ha-ha.
Actually, let's not laugh when you're near my penis.
Take it off.
Here, just take your shirt off.
Uh... Here. Do you want me to go first?
You're offering just to take your... Oh, my God! Look at you!
Take off your clothes now.
President Obama.
Yeah, I like him to watch over me.
Do you, like, wanna take it slow or something?
- This is nice. - Yeah.
It's starting to look like a triple rainbow.
Oh, my God, it's full-on!
Hi, Nick.
So I guess your date went well.
Sleepover party.
I have something from school that, um, made me think of you.
It's a feeling stick.
Whoever's holding the feeling stick has permission to say...
whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I'll go first. Um...
I feel like I wanna know what you're feeling.
Believe it or not, heh...
that's not the first time someone's broken my feeling stick.
- I have a travel size. - No.
Nick, wait.
Nick, we have to talk about this.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry I saw your doojer and your chickadees.
I didn't mean to laugh. I just...
Then why did you laugh? Is there something funny about it?
No. It's beautiful.
Stately. A real treat.
Oh, my God.
I think it's great you dance naked to Jamaican music.
That's really cool, you should explore your sexuality.
- Nick? - Excuse me.
Come on, Nick. I dance naked all the time!
We have to talk about this!
Ugh!
Nick!
- Nick, please talk to me. - Jess, there's nothing to talk about!
You ruined my date! Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess...
I heard your little: "Ha, ha!" Your little crazy giggle scream.
And all I want to do is have meaningless sex...
with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind-bending riddles.
But I can't, because I can't get your little, "Aah" out of my head.
Maybe you don't want meaningless sex!
- Maybe that's not your style! - I have a bing-bong and chickadees.
It is my style.
- Stop following me. - Then stop running away from me.
I just wanna have a mature conversation.
How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say "penis"?
I can say the word pen...
- Say it. - I...
- What? - Peernis.
You said "peernis."
Penis
Not singing.
Penis.
Not like a ghoul.
I, heh... Agh, I can say it.
- Pianist. - No, you said "pianist."
- Enispay. - Not pig Latin.
- Peernis. - Okay, not in Swedish.
- Not in fake Italian. - Penis!
Shut up!
- Say it with me: Pe... - Pe...
nis. ...nyear.
Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.
- Hey, man. - Aah!
- I'm the only one who hasn't seen it. - What?
- Just the gun. - No.
- Just the roses. - What?
- Just the hub, where it connects. - Get out.
- Fine! I thought we were best friends. - We are.
Apparently not.
- Best friends don't do this, Schmidt. - They do it all the time.
- You laughed? - Yeah, I couldn't help it.
Did you make that noise that you always make?
What? I don't always make a noise.
Fine. I guess I missed the moment when everybody got cool about sex.
I really messed up.
Eh. Guys are simple. You know what I would do?
I would just make it even. You've seen his, show him yours.
Heh. No. I can't do that.
Hey, Winston.
Oh, no. Oh, man. The interview? Did you mess up?
No, I didn't mess up.
Killed it. I was amazing.
At one point, I was on the outside of my body watching myself be amazing.
- That's a good thing. - The woman asked...
why I wanted to sell medical supplies. I had no answer.
I've done nothing but play basketball my entire life.
"Winston Bishop is an American basketball player...
who played professionally in Latvia, and he loves ducks."
Did you write the part about the ducks?
I don't even like ducks that much.
Okay, look, man. You gotta get off Wikipedia, all right? You're going crazy.
I was the guy who was good enough to play in Latvia.
And then, one day, I don't know, man, I just lost it.
They found another black guy. Heh.
- Means "the better black guy." - A better melno? You're the best melno.
- I don't know what comes next. - You know what you do?
You're gonna get up. Come on, buddy.
We're gonna get you out of the house, get you moving.
- It's gonna feel good. - Whoo! This feels good.
Totally. I love it.
You know, I think I was just scared, man.
I've been playing basketball my whole life.
What if I was wasting my time?
I should have been figuring out my life like you.
Heh. I don't have anything figured out. I'm a fully-grown man with roommates.
I've got a stupid job. I'm single.
My best friend won't even let me see his penis.
I mean, my whole life is a sham.
Agh!
- Wow, I actually feel a lot better. - Aah.
- Thanks, Schmidt. - Agh!
Winston, my legs!
- Schmidt? - My legs are seizing up.
- Schmidt! - I hate my life.
I hate making new discoveries.
I'm a fear-based person, apparently.
Stop it. Go. I need a... Call me... Give me a hug, please. 911.
Ow. Ow.
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm sorry about last night, Amanda.
So you're, like, super into "cuddling."
No, I'm not super into cuddling.
I'm just getting out of a relationship, and I think I got nervous.
I've heard that I'm not great at talking about what I'm feeling all the time...
and so I'm sorry about last night.
Honesty.
I like that.
- That was nice. - Ha, ha. Oh, yeah?
- Here we go. - Aah.
You're so hot. I can't believe you're into me.
- Okay. Yeah. - Okay. There.
- All right, wow! This is happening. - Yeah. Take off your pants.
- Okay, okay, okay. - Take your pants off.
- Yeah. Take them off. - You want me to take them off?
- Want me to take these off? Okay. - Yeah.
- Lights on, pants off. Here we go. - Yeah. Okay.
- Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Ha, ha. - I'm totally cool with this. Ha, ha.
- Yeah. Okay. - All right.
Good. Ha, ha.
Okay.
- What are you doing? - What? Who is that?
- Oh, my God! - What are you doing?
Hi! I'm Jess. Welcome to our home.
We live in a world with rules.
We knock. We have doors.
- And we knock on those doors. - I'm sorry, Nick.
Just knock!
Nick, I fee...
- Put that down. - But we have to talk...
Nothing to talk about.
I feel that Nick is not honoring the feeling stick.
I feel me too.
I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day...
and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend...
he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
I feel supported.
What is going on with you two?
What are you doing?
- I feel Nick is yelling. - Stop it!
Yo. I just wanted to thank you for taking me running.
Made me feel a lot better.
I might not have a job or anything, but at least I can run a mile. Heh.
I mean, watching you try to run, yeah, that was just pathetic.
- I needed that. - I suffer from exercise-induced asthma.
You suffer from exercise-induced crying?
It's a real thing, man, okay? EIA.
You know what I learned from the Internet?
We got nothing to worry about. Everybody has their moment.
We might get a cat one day. That cat might play the keyboard.
A bear might fall on our trampoline.
We don't need to have it figured out right now.
Our moments will come.
Hey, man. Let's keep bro-ing out.
Come in.
Jess, you don't have to knock once you're in the room.
- I worked on something for you. - All right.
Penis.
- Very good. - Thank you.
Um, so did Amanda call you back?
- No, I don't see Amanda calling me back. - I'm sorry.
It's okay. Maybe you were right.
Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women.
Well, you know, maybe when you are, you'll be able to show her your other penis.
- Your heart penis. - Get out of my room.
Okay. Hey, um, ha, ha. When I was leaving in a hurry, um...
did you see...
everything?
Yep.
Even my gumbo pot?
Yuck. Gumbo pot? Get out!
Get out, Schmidt.
I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.