[***]
Well, bon appétit, Michelle.
Oh, boy. "Pasghetti."
I can show you right now a much neater way
to eat "pasghetti," all right?
Just pick up your tablespoon.
That's right.
Now, using your spoon
as your spaghetti helper,
you put some noodles on your fork, like this,
and then...
you turn the fork around
and around and around,
until you wind up
with a nice, neat ball of spaghetti.
Yeah, this is much neater.
Next time, I'm making SpaghettiOs.
[GIGGLES]
Keep eating.
I gotta clean you up anyway. [GIGGLES]
[JESSE FREDERICK'S "EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
* Ahhh *
* Whatever happened To predictability *
* The milkman The paperboy *
* Evenin' TV? *
* How did I get Delivered here? *
* Somebody tell me, please *
* This whole world's Confusin' me *
* Flowers as mean *
* As you've ever seen *
* Ain't a bird Who knows your tune *
* Then a little voice Inside you whispers: *
* "Kid, don't sell your dreams So soon" *
* Everywhere you look * * Everywhere you look *
* There's a heart * * There's a heart *
* A hand to hold on to *
* Everywhere you look * * Everywhere you look *
* There's a face *
* Of somebody who needs you *
* Everywhere you look *
* When you're lost out there And you're all alone *
* A light is waitin' To carry you home *
* Everywhere you look *
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
* Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa *
[***]
ALL: * Oh, he chucked all the wood *
♪ That a woodchuck could If a woodchuck could chuck ♪
Big finish.
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] * Wood *
[CHILDREN CHEER]
This is Ranger Joe saying love your planet.
Howdy-ho, Junior Rangers.
CHILDREN: Howdy-ho, Ranger Joe.
* Ranger Joe *
CHILDREN [SINGING ALONG]: * Ranger Joe *
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] * He's the greatest guy I know *
CHILDREN: * Ranger Joe *
[CHILDREN CHEER]
And we're clear. Gladstone.
Yeah?
Mr. Strowbridge wants
to see you in his office.
Okay.
All right, uh, Teddy, Aaron, Michelle,
you guys stay right here.
The boss wants to see me.
Are you in trouble?
I can't be in trouble.
I-I bought him a big, gigantic cheese log for Christmas. Heh.
So why are you sweating, Ranger Joe?
Well, that's because
I'm working under these hot lights,
and sweat is the body's natural cooling system. Heh.
You're a nervous wreck.
I knew I should have bought him the beer sausage.
Hey, Teddy, wanna play at my house today?
No. I'm playing at Michelle's house.
She's my best friend.
Yuck!
What is your problem?
You're a girl.
Duh.
I don't play with girls.
But I'm a fun girl.
You should play at Michelle's house.
They have great stuff
in their refrigerator.
AARON: Well...
okay.
But I better not get girl cooties.
You got a bad attitude.
She's right.
[***]
Give me five, give me five.
DANNY: You sure? He's always there.
[LAUGHING] Hey.
Hi, honey. Check this out.
I just taught the boys how to play catch.
Honey, how can they play catch?
They just learned how to dribble.
All right. Our kids are natural athletes.
Now, you watch this, okay?
Look alive, guys.
Here's the wind up and the pitch.
It's a Nicky and Alex double play. All right.
These kids are headed for the big leagues.
Yeah. Long as they can wear those bibs.
Come over here. Good catch.
I missed you.
Come on in, kids. Hi, Daddy.
Hey, cutie.
Mm. Mwah. Mwah.
Let's play superheroes.
I'll be Batman.
I'll be Superman.
I'll be the Little Mermaid.
That's not a superhero.
That's a fish.
Well, Aaron, how about if Michelle is Wonder Woman?
That's impossible.
She doesn't have black hair.
What was I thinking?
You could be Superman's mother.
What does Superman's mother do?
She lays out Superman's pajamas.
Big wow.
Come on, let's go!
Hey, superheroes... no running on the steps!
Okay, let me have him. Hm.
Come on, big leaguers, time to hit the showers.
Oh, Nicky, nice drool.
You can use that for your spitball. Hm.
How did the show go, Joe?
Uh, the show went great.
My meeting with Strowbridge was a disaster.
He says I need a sidekick.
Uh, that's a good idea.
Instead of talking to kids all the time,
you'll have an adult.
Get some snappy banter going.
You know, you're right.
There's only one guy perfect for the job.
Me? Yes.
No. Yes.
No.
Boy, can banter get any snappier.
Come on, Jess, you could do all the music.
Put a band together. Be my posse.
No, no, no, no. I-I don't wanna be some dorky ranger
dressed up like an overgrown Cub Scout.
No offense.
Jess, you don't have to be some dorky ranger.
You could be somebody macho and rugged,
like a lumberjack.
Lumberjack Jess.
No, Joseph, I'm not--
Lumberjack Jess. Ah?
Yeah, I could live with that.
Plus, I need the money. Well, great.
You start tomorrow.
Welcome aboard.
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK]: Get it? A board is made of wood.
Board, wood. It's a wood pun.
I got a million of them, and you'll hear 'em all.
Ow!
♪ Lumberjack Jess ♪ Okay.
♪ Lumberjack Jess ♪ Get the beaver off my shoulder.
I'm not a beaver.
[RINGS]
It's for me.
Hi, Kimmy. D.J.,
why doesn't Kimmy call you on your own phone?
Oh, I just left her house.
She knew I wouldn't be upstairs yet.
You will never guess what I--
Can I have some privacy, please?
Oh, sure, I'll just go
hide in the hamper for a while.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh. No problem.
You will never guess what I heard from Kathy Santoni.
KIMMY: Oh, that's hilarious.
[LAUGHS]
I can't believe it. Tell me more.
And there's this rumor going around
that Roxanne is stuffing her bra with two-ply paper towels.
Because during lunch today, she spilled juice on her blouse,
and it absorbed-- [SNAPS]
--like that.
KIMMY: No kidding.
[GUM POPS]
Uh-- So, Kimmy, what's going on for the weekend?
Mom's got the roller derby championships. Wanna go?
Oh, I just remembered what I wanted to tell you.
Um, you know how Stephanie's always reading my diary
and going through all my stuff?
She's the queen of the sneaks.
I've come up with the ultimate revenge.
She won't know where, and she won't know how.
But when she least expects it:
boom!
What's going on? What did she do?
No, Kimmy, I just said all that stuff
because I'm gonna teach Stephanie a lesson.
No, I don't need your mother's stun gun.
I'll call you later.
I'm dead, I'm dead,
I'm dead, I'm dead.
Oh, boy.
Oh, no.
Hey, Steph.
[SCREAMS]
What's wrong? You seem a little tense.
Me? Uh-- Nope. No tension here. Heh.
Cool as a cucumber.
Oh, good.
Well, do you wanna go up to my room?
We can play that new computer game I got.
Your room?
Alone? No witnesses?
I don't think so.
Okay. Well, I'll get you-- Uh--
Catch you later.
I'm doomed.
AARON: Superman!
[IMITATING FLYING NOISES]
TEDDY: Batman!
MICHELLE: Superman,
Batman, your breakfast is ready.
Thanks, Superman's mother.
Your pancakes are delicious.
Let's play wrestling now.
I'm the Ultimate Warrior.
[GROWLS]
I'm the Macho Man.
[GROWLS]
Don't tell me, I'm the Macho Man's mother.
You got it.
[BOTH GROWLING]
Freeze.
It's my room, and I say we play house.
I love playing house.
Playing house is for girls.
I hate playing house.
Let's play guns.
Don't you listen? We're playing house.
Okay. Let's play house,
and blow it up with our guns.
[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]
Baby Love Button is not a gun.
Come on, Teddy.
Come over to my house.
I got phasers.
Cool.
But what about Michelle?
Yeah, what about Michelle?
If you play with her,
I'll tell the whole school that you're a girl lover.
I don't want that.
Sorry, Michelle.
Way to go, Teddy.
Come on, let's be men.
[BOTH GROWL]
I lost my best friend.
[***]
Okay. Now, Lumberjack Jess
lives in the Enchanted Forest. Right.
So he should be fun and magical.
And bring joy to the children of the world.
Fun, magic and joy, okay. And have fun. And have fun.
See. Yeah, fun. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Uh-- Uh, howdy-ho, kids. I'm Lumberjack Jess.
I'm Tinkerbell. Now I'm Tinkerbell.
Well, I never said sprinkle fairy dust.
Uh, fun, magical, and-- And be manly.
Strong, you know.
What do you know about being manly?
You still wear footsie pajamas.
Hey, my feet get cold.
Does that make me any less of a man?
It's not the footsies that bother me.
It's that trap door in back with the missing button.
Can I hang out with you guys? My friends went home.
Oh, sure, Michelle, you can hang out.
Lumberjack Jess here
is learning how to be a real man.
You could learn how to be a man?
I gotta see this.
All right. You guys wanna see a manly character? Mm-hm.
Watch this. Okay.
I'll show you a manly character.
[CLEARS THROAT, SPITS]
[IN MASCULINE VOICE] Hi. I'm Lumberjack Jess.
I walk with a manly swagger.
Because I have a manly job.
I like to pull up my manly pants.
Scratch my manly scratch.
And when I see a friend,
I like to give him a manly punch.
Yo, Joseph.
And then, I like to have a laugh at his expense.
[LAUGHS]
I have a question.
What makes boys different than girls?
There's-- Well, okay.
--boys-- Y-yeah, boys and g--
Girls and then...
Take the birds and the bees for--
And flowers. Right, and throw in flowers--
Flowers.
Yeah, you know-- Why don't you just tell her?
Michelle, you know, uh, a question like that
can only be answered by a manly man.
[CHUCKLES]
Take it, Jess.
[LAUGHS]
Ahem. All right, uh, so...
[CLEARS THROAT]
What you're asking is, uh,
what's the difference between, uh, boys and--
And girls, right?
That's the question. What's the answer?
Yeah, I figured you'd be asking that. All right, well,
uh, okay, there's a lot of differences.
For instance, uh, boys get to lead when you dance.
Um... Oh, right.
See, boys can grow a little mustache and a little beard.
And, oh, the best part is--
The best part is, at a concert,
or, say, a ball game or something,
the lines at the men's room are so much shorter.
Being a boy sounds like fun.
Phew. It's the funnest.
[CLAPS ONCE] So, uh...
does that answer your question?
Yes, it does.
Oh, thank God.
Stephanie. [SCREAMS]
I have something for you.
I don't want it.
Yes, you do. Here.
What's wrong?
It's your favorite dessert.
A double-fudge-chocolate homemade brownie
just for you, my loving sister.
I baked it myself.
You want me to eat that?
Sure.
You mean, chew it up and swallow it,
and have it go through my bloodstream?
Steph, you're acting like
I'm trying to poison you or something.
Try it. It's really good.
Well, thank you, D.J.
I'll just take this non-poisonous brownie
and throw it out in the backyard!
Because I know you're out to get me.
What are you talking about?
I listened in on your phone call.
Stephanie, I'm shocked.
What did you hear?
Your evil plot.
But it's gonna take more than a brownie
to do me in.
I already did you in.
Huh?
Huh. I saw you eavesdropping,
so I made up all that revenge stuff
just to drive you crazy.
Well, it just so happens...
it worked.
Well, I hope you learned your lesson.
I sure did.
Your personal life
is your own business.
And I'll never listen in on your phone calls again.
Good.
I'll just read about it in your diary.
What? Oh, nothing.
Come on in, kids.
Hey, Michelle!
Teddy and Aaron are here.
Why are we here?
Michelle said she had a big surprise for us.
Oh, yeah. It better be good.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Hey, Teddy. Yo, Aaron.
[DEEP LAUGH]
Michelle...
what are you doing?
I'm a boy now.
Let's play guns.
Yeah! Yeah!
Last one up the stairs is a girl.
Whoa!
[CHATTERING, TOY RAY GUNS FIRING]
Danny, what's going on?
Michelle just said she's a boy.
Oh, Danny, don't worry.
When I was Michelle's age, I was a real tomboy.
Didn't you ever go through a phase like that?
You know, uh, one Halloween,
I ac-- I actually wanted to be Julie Andrews.
That doesn't leave this room.
No problem.
ALL: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
[RAYS GUNS FIRING]
I got you, Teddy!
[SCREAMS]
Teddy, are you hurt?
What are you doing?
I'm being the nurse.
This man has a serious owie.
Hey. I thought you said you were a boy.
So? A boy can be a nurse.
Let's get out of here.
She's not a real boy.
I guess you're right.
Nice try, Michelle.
Hey, you kids having fun?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Get the giant!
[BOTH SHOUTING, GUNS FIRING]
I got you. No.
Lucky for me, I just sprayed myself
with my anti-ray-gun repellent.
You were right. He is strange.
Michelle, I didn't mean to break up your game.
I'm a crummy boy.
Hm. That's because you're a girl.
Why are you trying to be a boy?
Because Teddy doesn't want to play with girls anymore.
Oh. So that's what's going on here.
Look...sweetheart,
I know you feel bad about this,
but you gotta understand.
Teddy is just going through
a stage right now.
What's a stage?
Well, a stage is when you go through something.
And then, eventually, you grow out of it.
You once went through a stage
where you didn't like cake.
No way.
It only lasted 10 minutes, but, uh...
you get the idea.
Teddy right now is going through his
I-don't-wanna-play- with-girls stage.
I don't like this stage.
Oh. I know.
But don't you worry.
Before you know it, all the boys
are gonna wanna play with you all the time.
And that's when I go through
my keep-away-from-my-daughter stage.
I just want my best friend back.
Sweetheart, if he's really your best friend,
he'll come back around.
Because real friends like you for who you are.
Who am I?
Who are you?
You...
are Michelle Tanner.
You are one terrific person.
You're sweet, you're funny...
you're friendly, you're kind...
Keep going. Hm.
I could go on forever.
You always do.
[LAUGHS]
[***]
Come on, Teddy. Sit with the boys.
Okay. Don't have a cow.
Hi, Michelle.
Hello, Theodore.
Hi, my name's Michelle.
My name's Denise.
Do you like boys?
Nah. Boys are gross.
Yeah, boys are gross.
Okay, kids, come on, let's put those tongues away,
and let's put on our happy faces.
Okay, we're on in five, four, three, two...
* Ranger Joe *
CHILDREN [SINGING ALONG]: * Ranger Joe *
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] * He's the greatest guy I know *
CHILDREN : * Ranger Joe *
Howdy-ho, Junior Rangers.
CHILDREN: Howdy-ho, Ranger Joe!
Junior Rangers, it's a very special day
here in the Enchanted Forest.
Say hello to my new sidekick, Lumberjack Jess.
[***]
[CHILDREN LAUGH]
[SARCASTIC LAUGH]
I told you. They're laughing because of this stupid hat.
Oh-ho. They're not laughing at your hat.
Yes, we are.
[CHILDREN LAUGH]
Is, uh, something wrong, Lumberjack Jess?
Yeah. I feel like a lumber jackass.
[SCOFFS]
Listen, uh-- Uh, Ranger Joe, I don't really, uh--
I don't really fit into this Enchanted Forest thing.
Oh, sure you do. Heh.
You signed an enchanted contract. Heh.
Oh, that's right. And I do need that enchanted paycheck. Mm.
All right, kids, you wanna see the real Lumberjack Jess?
You get those rumps off those stumps,
because we are gonna rock this forest.
[BAND PLAYS "KNOCK ON WOOD"]
♪ Thunder, lightning ♪
♪ The way you love me Is frightening ♪
♪ You better knock ♪
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] * On... *
♪ Wood ♪
♪ Knock knock Knock on wood ♪
♪ You better knock, knock Knock on wood ♪
♪ Woo! ♪
♪ Knock, knock Knock on wood ♪
Well, Mr. Woodchuck, did you like that cartoon?
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] Well, basically, I give it one paw up.
Because, well, that's all I can move.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay, Lumberjack Jess, take us home.
JESSIE AND CHILDREN: * Ranger Joe *
♪ Ranger Joe ♪
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] * Be back tomorrow With a brand new show *
♪ Ranger Joe ♪
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
And we're clear.
Great show.
Let's go have fun.
Hey, where are you going?
To play with my new best friend.
What's your name again?
Denise.
Denise. And you can't play with us.
Why not?
Because you're going through a stage.
I am?
You just wanna play with boys.
No, I don't.
Aaron's too bossy.
Do you wanna be my best friend again?
I really do.
Yay! The stage is over!
Let's go play at my house.
Teddy!
Are you a girl lover?
Yep. See you.
Hey. Can I come too?
Okay. We're playing hide-and-seek.
Thanks, Michelle.
You hide, and we'll find you.
Maybe.
[***]
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
[***]
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
* Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa *