[JESSE FREDERICK'S "EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
* Ahhh *
* Whatever happened To predictability *
* The milkman The paperboy *
* Evenin' TV? *
* How did I get Delivered here? *
* Somebody tell me, please *
* This whole world's Confusin' me *
* Flowers as mean *
* As you've ever seen *
* Ain't a bird Who knows your tune *
* Then a little voice Inside you whispers: *
* "Kid, don't sell your dreams So soon" *
* Everywhere you look * * Everywhere you look *
* There's a heart * * There's a heart *
* A hand to hold on to *
* Everywhere you look * * Everywhere you look *
* There's a face *
* Of somebody who needs you *
* Everywhere you look *
* When you're lost out there And you're all alone *
* A light is waitin' To carry you home *
* Everywhere you look *
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
* Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa *
[***]
D.J.: Dad. STEPH: Dad.
Oh, look at this, here come my girls
and I bet they can't wait to hug their dad.
Will you tell D.J. to stop hogging the bathroom?
It just so happens I was in there first.
Well, pin a rose on your nose.
Girls, I'm still in the hug mode.
She turned off my Beauty and the Beast tape.
After the hundredth time you played it.
I'm trying to learn the words.
I guess I can put my arms down now, huh?
Oh, tough day.
I gotta start screening those junior rangers.
I had a cryer, two wetters,
and some kid got a splinter in his butt.
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] Was the splinter made of...
wood?
Excuse me, but we were talking about
D.J. hogging the bathroom.
D.J.: I was not hogging the bathroom.
That's why you stay in there--
Okay, hold it. Hold it, hold it!
If I didn't know any better,
I'd say this wasn't the happiest family on earth.
Oh, puh-lease.
You know what? I've got a great idea.
Reserved seating in the bathroom?
No, let's take time out from all this bickering
and just go out together as a family.
I hereby declare tonight Tanner Family Fun Night.
[ALL GROAN] Oh, man.
DANNY: Aw, come on, go with me on this.
Two hours of nonstop feel-good Tanner family fun.
What do you say?
I guess. All right.
Oh, that's the spirit.
Go get your coats, come on.
Honey, I don't wanna argue with you,
but are you saying that my mother is wrong?
No, sweetheart. I'm saying your mother's insane.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, darling, you must be joking.
My mother simply suggested
that we use cornstarch when we diaper the boys.
Ah, but we wanna keep the boys dry,
not grow crops in their underpants.
You know what you two need?
A little dose of Tanner family fun.
Grab the twins and come to dinner with us.
You know what? That sounds real good.
But we'll pass.
We will?
We don't want the boys going out to a restaurant
during cold and flu season. Oh, come on, Becky.
Don't you think you're babying them?
Well, sweetheart, they are babies.
You sure you don't wanna come?
We're gonna sing show tunes all the way there.
When you put it that way,
why take a chance during cold and flu season?
We'll have to pass.
Okay, miss the funnest night of the year.
Okay, everybody, let's go. It's Tanner family fun time.
Come on, everybody. Hut, hut, hut.
Okay, where do you guys wanna eat?
I want pizza.
I want burgers.
I want tacos.
I need chocolate cake.
No problem, I'll just find
a Mexican-Italian burger and cake emporium.
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
Oh, yeah, could I have picked
a better restaurant than this, huh?
Boy, these pirates look real.
Ahoy, ye scurvy seadogs!
Welcome to ye Pirate Cove. This way.
[DANNY CHUCKLES]
Ho, ho. Shiver me timbers.
Dad, this place is so lame.
What if my friends see me here?
Well, that would make them just as lame as you, wouldn't it?
Yo, ho. Yo, ho. Got you there, matey.
Just slap your barnacles right here.
Okay...we've got three shipmates.
Thank you.
And two little buccaneers.
A kiddie menu for moi?
How rude.
Look, it got puzzles.
Connect the dots. Very challenging.
Don't worry, I'll help you.
I'm not into fish. You got any pizza?
Arr!
Maybe you didn't notice the boat, pal,
but we got kind of a seafood thing going on here.
But I'll go up to the galley
and see if I can't drum you up a sliver of dried salted beef.
Yum. Har, har, har.
What a goofball.
Now, why don't we all get in the pirate spirit?
You know what?
What better way to get into the pirate spirit
than donning our cardboard pirate hats.
Dad, you look like a dweeb.
Yes, but I'm a dweeb having fun.
You know why?
Because everything is more fun with a hat on.
Come on, put your hats on. Let's go.
Are you swabbies ready to order?
Dad, please don't make me order from the kiddie menu.
You know what, honey? You're right.
This is Tanner Family Fun Night and, sweetheart,
you can have anything you'd like.
I believe I'll have the sunken treasure.
"A scrumptious assortment of King Neptune's favorites
from the bottom of the sea." [DANNY CHUCKLES]
That sounds like a fun meal.
Whoa, 23.95.
Boy, fun doesn't come cheap around here, does it?
Arr.
I believe I'll have the chocolate cake.
Oh, a delicious slab of cake
near as big as your head, me hearty.
Whoa, baby.
Too bad we're out.
No chocolate cake? What a rip-off.
PIRATE: Excuse me.
Everybody get down. Get down, get down.
Why? D.J., what's wrong?
There's some kids here from my school.
Oh, yeah, there's Shelly Phillips.
Dad, please.
Don't do anything to attract attention.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Chocolate cake.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Sarah ♪
Her name's not Sarah.
Oh, sorry, wrong table.
Come back with the chocolate cake.
You have a big mouth.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Hey, Beck, we're back.
Got your favorite pizza. Pineapple and anchovy.
I believe you forgot something.
Oh, yeah, extra cheese.
I've been thinking about this extra cheese thing.
It's a rip-off because how do you really know
if you get extra cheese or not? You don't.
I was talking about the baby's hat.
The one I asked you to put on
if you took the baby out into the cold air.
Yeah, I know the hat. I put it on.
It just must've fallen off on my way out, that's all.
Really? Mm-hm.
And landed behind this pillow?
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
What are the odds of that? Million-to-one, say.
Probably. Yeah.
Ah, Jess, look at this. His head is freezing.
My mother says that 60 percent of the body's heat
is lost through the head.
Sixty percent of his body is his head.
That's why he should be wearing a hat.
He's gonna get sick.
Beck, he can't wear the hat in the house.
It'll stunt his hair growth.
What hair?
The hair I'm trying to grow
if we can get some sunlight and fresh air
on his bald little head.
You know what, if you don't believe me,
maybe you will believe my mother.
She always said,
"A hat on the head keeps a child out of bed."
All right. Well, I'll call my mom on the other line.
She's got a few sayings of her own.
My favorite is, "My boy is always right."
Ha!
Oh, hi, Mom.
Yeah. Mom, listen, could you talk to Jesse?
He has a very cavalier attitude with the babies.
Hi, Mom. Becky is really overprotective with these kids.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
BOTH: She wants to talk to you.
Do this for me-- I don't wanna talk to her--
Be nice to my mom.
Right now, yes. No, you--
Hi, Nedra. Hi, Irene.
How are you? Yeah, fine, fine.
Right. Yeah, well-- Listen.
BOTH: My mom always said that--
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Let me just ask you this.
D-did you really say,
"A hat on the head keeps a child out of bed?"
Really?
You stitched it on a sampler?
Right, I got it.
"A scarf on the throat goes great with a coat."
Right. Mm-hm.
Uh-huh. Oh, yes, I'm writing these down.
Yeah, oh, yeah, got 'em.
Okay, hold on.
Your mom wants to talk to my mom.
Good, because your mom wants to talk to my mom.
[WOMEN CHATTERING]
I can't put my mother through this.
Ma, doesn't Becky's mom squawk like a chick--?
Hi, Becky's mom.
No. Oh, no.
I didn't say squawk like a chicken. No, no, no.
I said-- I said...
talks like Charles Dickens.
Okay, yeah.
God bless us, every one.
Oh, nice move, Jess.
[BABY CRYING]
Uh-oh. That's Alex.
Hold it, Beck.
You can't go charging in the room
every time the kid makes the slightest peep.
Watch me.
If you're doing this to annoy me, it's working.
Come here, bub.
Mommy's here. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, what's the matter, little baby?
See, Beck, there you go again.
You're treating them like mama's boys.
Now, he's gotta stand on his own two feet.
Jess, he doesn't even know he has feet.
Babies need to feel secure.
Their personalities are affected by every decision that we make.
That's why we gotta be cool, so they'll grow up to be cool.
Beck, these kids were born to be wild.
Excuse me. They were born to be little gentlemen.
That'll make a fine tattoo.
Beck, you're turning our kids into wimps.
I just think from now on,
you ought to let me make the parenting decisions around here.
Oh, well, that would be a good plan,
except every decision you make is wrong.
I know more about raising kids than you do.
Ha! Yeah.
I bet if I raised Alex and you raised Nicky,
my child would be perfect, and yours would be a mess.
Oh, in the words of Michelle, "puh-lease."
I can just imagine how Alex would turn out.
Oh, and I can just imagine what you would do to Nicky.
[***]
Mommy, Mommy.
Mommy, guess what? Guess what?
What? What is it, Alex, dear?
I have big news. Where's Daddy?
He's in the bathroom.
Jess. Honey.
JESSE: Not now, Beck.
I'm moussing my new hair plugs.
Jess, would you stop obsessing about your hair?
Whatever you're losing on your head,
you're growing on your back.
Thank God, where do you think I got these plugs from?
Daddy, Mommy, I made the team.
Oh, Alex, that's wonderful.
Oh, Jess, isn't that wonderful?
Yeah. Yes, isn't that great, Father?
Hey, that's terrific, son. Getting into sports there.
Attaboy.
Yeah, what are you playing,
football, basketball there?
Chess. Chess.
Actually, I'm the equipment manager.
I get to carry all the pieces
and set them up before each match.
We even have a cheer.
Take your time! Take your time!
Think, think, think!
Outmaneuver your opponent
Till he's in a quandary!
That's-- That's nice.
That's a nice cheer there, son.
That quandary cheer, I like that one. That's--
That's a terr-- What have you done to our son?
Oh, like you did such a good job with Nicky.
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS]
Jess, I thought you were gonna talk to him
about riding that motorcycle in the house.
Well, I am. I'm gonna talk to him right now.
[REVVING ENGINE]
Son...
Hey, Ward.
Hey, June. Hey, Beav.
Nicholas, what did I tell you
about riding that motorcycle in the bedroom?
Becky, Nick is a biker, okay? He's gotta ride his bike.
He's too young to ride in the street.
He's gotta ride in the house.
Nick, but just be careful.
Wear a helmet when you're going up and down the stairs.
I know. Don't pop a plug.
You can tell I have plugs?
Only when I look at 'em. Ha, ha, ha.
Well, Jess,
you didn't raise a mama's boy.
Well, he's just going through a difficult stage.
His life.
Mommy, I'm chafing again.
Oh, hold on one second, sweetheart. Mommy's coming.
Turn around. Here's the cornstarch.
[CHUCKLES]
What a dork.
Mommy, Nicholas just called me a dork.
[SOBBING]
You see how you messed up Alex.
Ha. Not as bad as you messed up Nicky.
Well, at least he doesn't cry.
He can't help it. He has a rash.
[***]
If he's got a rash, he should take it like a man.
You see what'll happen if we baby these kids?
Oh, my kid would never turn out to be such a wimp.
But your kid, that was pretty scary.
That would never happen.
Are you saying your kid wouldn't be out of control?
No, I'm saying I'll never lose my hair.
If I do, I'd get one of those rugs
that stays on in the wind, and the pool and everything.
Hey, Jess.
Does this baby look a little flushed to you?
Yeah, he does.
He's warm too.
He sounds congested.
Becky, what do we do?
Our kids have never been sick before.
All right, don't panic. I'll take his temperature.
All right, I'll get the humidifier.
I'll call the doctor.
And I'll take him out, just in case he's contagious.
It's okay, sweetie. Everything's gonna be okay.
Mommy's gonna take your temperature, okay?
[***]
What is taking my dinner so long?
Are my friends looking at me?
D.J., nobody is looking at you.
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Can I wait in the car?
Honey, there is no fun happening in the car.
All the fun is right here.
Ugh.
Why did I order this?
Here, Michelle.
Ew, gross. Kill it, Daddy.
Michelle, it's just an octopus,
and it's already dead.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you put our little,
eight-legged cephalopod back in the tank, please?
Are you sure it's not my birthday?
Yes, sweetheart, for the hundredth time,
it's that little girl's birthday,
and that's why she gets the chocolate cake, all right?
Is she gonna eat the whole thing?
Michelle, just suck it up and move on.
Ahoy,
knackwurst and potato pancakes for the landlubber.
Well, it's about time.
Hey, I know you,
you're Ranger Joe from TV. Hey, kids,
look who's here. It's Ranger Joe.
Look at this. There you go. BOY: Ranger Joe!
Kids, I'd like to sign your autographs,
but could you wait till after I finish my dinner?
[SNEEZES]
I'm finished. Okay, where's that pen?
Hi, D.J.
Oh, hi, Shelly.
What are you guys doing here?
We thought it'd be a riot to come goof
on all the lame families that come here.
That's why we're here too.
Uh-uh. It's Tanner Family Fun Night.
I gotta tell the guys this one.
I've gotta find a new school.
Eww!
This one has eyes.
I'm sorry, but I can't eat anything that's looking at me.
You can't let all this food go to waste.
Joey, you want to eat it?
Danny, that's not dinner. It's Marineland.
A whole semester trying to be cool,
wiped out by one night of Tanner family fun.
Okay, that's it.
We're out of here. Check, please.
Not so fast, matey.
I spy a landlubber
who hasn't finished his sunken treasure.
And that means you walk the plank.
ALL: Plank! Plank! Plank! [BELL RINGING]
Plank! Plank! Plank!
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
Enough.
Arr!
That's your favorite letter, isn't it?
Any last words?
Yes, there's something I'd like to say to my family.
Tonight, I had a dream...
that people who love each other could go out together.
To laugh,
to have fun,
to eat fish.
But who was I kidding?
Only myself. Okay, I'm ready now.
Plank! Plank! Plank!
STEPH: Dad! DANNY: What?
STEPH: Wait! What?
This is my fault.
I'm the one who ordered
the Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau.
And if anyone deserves to walk the plank, it's me.
ALL: Plank! Plank! Plank!
Hold on, hold on.
I should be the one who has to walk the plank.
The reason we didn't have fun tonight
was because of my bad attitude.
So someone sneezed on my knackwurst, big deal.
Dad, Joey's right.
We all had bad attitudes.
I admit, when I first came here, I was a little embarrassed.
But now that I'm up here, standing on a boat...
and seeing everybody stare at me,
I'm totally humiliated.
My turn.
Sarah, are you gonna eat all that cake?
Oh, you know,
this was really sweet of you guys to come up here.
This is kind of the Tanner family fun I was hoping for.
ALL: Plank! Plank! Plank!
I'll walk the plank,
but not because I didn't clean my plate.
Because I came here for Tanner Family Fun Night.
And gosh darn it, we Tanners are gonna have some fun.
Am I right, me buckos?
Arr. Yeah.
Okay, man overboard.
Ho!
[AS POPEYE] Well, blow me down. Whoa!
Cannonball!
Cowabunga!
I'll go wait in the car.
Arr.
What the heck?
Hey, hey, thanks, Deej.
[ALL LAUGHING, SHRIEKING]
Look out.
[ALL SHOUTING]
It's okay, honey. You're gonna be all right.
Jess, when is the doctor gonna call?
It's been over an hour.
I know.
Becky, I'm sorry. This whole thing is my fault.
Jess, it's not your fault. Yes, it is.
I should've listened to you in the first place.
I took Alex out without a hat to get pizza,
and now he's got a fever. I'm sorry.
Honey, it was Nicky you took out without a hat.
It was?
Becky, I don't know what I'm doing here anymore.
I know what you mean. [SIGHS]
I feel like these kids should come with an owner's manual.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Yes, Dr. Arnold.
Okay, thanks for calling back.
Listen, Alex has a temperature of 101.
Yeah, yeah. We did the compress.
Right. We did the humidifier.
I took the other baby out. Yeah, right.
We did it.
Did it.
That's it? What am I paying you for?
Just kidding.
All right, thanks, doc. Bye.
What did he say?
He said we're doing everything right,
and there's nothing else to do.
Hey, Jess, look at this.
Alex's temperature is back to normal.
We did it? We got him through his first fever?
Yes, and we didn't even argue about it.
We didn't even call our moms. [LAUGHS]
Beck, I'm sorry. I've been a real pain.
I'm sorry too.
Honey, we both want what's best for our kids,
and we just disagree sometimes on how to get there.
Yeah. About this parenting thing,
I mean, these kids are gonna be
hanging around the house for a good 18 to 19 more years.
We better come up with a plan.
Okay, I think instead of arguing so much,
we should really listen to each other.
Then we can take the best of what each of us
has to say and compromise.
That's a good plan.
Well, we make a great team.
Actually, I, uh,
smell an opportunity for teamwork as we speak.
Okay, so, what do we use, partner?
Cornstarch or baby powder?
Well, I say we go for a little combo platter.
All right, we'll make a very special baby butt blend.
Here we go. I'll mix, and you apply.
Oh, what a team.
Ah. All right, we're ready.
Let's take 'em off--
Whoa! Whoo! Ooh! Wow.
[***]
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
[***]