[***]
Okey-dokey.
Now, where did I put that other shoe?
Hi, Mr. Woodchuck.
I wish you were real.
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] I am real.
Who said that?
I did.
You can't talk without Joey.
Did you ever think he can't talk without me?
Hello, Joe.
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK] Pay no attention to that man under the bed.
Joey, you're busted.
[NORMAL] Okay.
So it wasn't Mr. Woodchuck talking,
it was actually me.
Duh.
[JESSE FREDERICK'S "EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
* Ahhh *
* Whatever happened To predictability *
* The milkman The paperboy *
* Evenin' TV? *
* How did I get Delivered here? *
* Somebody tell me, please *
* This whole world's Confusin' me *
* Flowers as mean *
* As you've ever seen *
* Ain't a bird Who knows your tune *
* Then a little voice Inside you whispers: *
* "Kid, don't sell your dreams So soon" *
* Everywhere you look * * Everywhere you look *
* There's a heart * * There's a heart *
* A hand to hold on to *
* Everywhere you look * * Everywhere you look *
* There's a face *
* Of somebody who needs you *
* Everywhere you look *
* When you're lost out there And you're all alone *
* A light is waitin' To carry you home *
* Everywhere you look *
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
* Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa *
[BOTH HUMMING THEME FROM "RAWHIDE"]
All right. Now, remember, cow kids,
the very important code of the West.
Always keep your saddles dry, now, you hear?
Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's get all dressed up,
and I'll take an official family portrait.
Oh, no, no, no. I hated that when I was a kid.
I'm not gonna put Nicky and Alex through that kind of torture.
Oh, come on, honey.
I saw your family portrait.
You and your father looked adorable
in those dad-and-lad leisure suits.
We looked like father-and-son hot-tub salesmen.
Come on, Jess.
Oh, all right, but I want my kids to look cool.
Oh, of course they'll look cool.
Now, where are those lavender sailor suits?
[SARCASTICALLY] Ha, ha, ha.
[HUMMING THEM FROM "RAWHIDE"]
[SIGHS] Hey, Jess.
Hey, how did it go?
Did D.J. get her learner's permit?
It was a nightmare.
She flunked?
Worse.
I passed!
JESSE: All right, Deej.
I failed. I don't get it.
I copied every one of D.J.'s answers,
and I still flunked the test.
Kimmy, they give everyone different tests,
so no one can cheat.
They do?
Uh-huh.
That's what's wrong with the world today.
No one trusts anyone.
Bye. Bye.
Okay, Dad, let me have the keys.
Deej, you just have your learner's permit.
You can't drive a car unless
there's a licensed adult in the front seat with you.
Fine, you can have shotgun. Let's roll.
Look, uh, I'm just not sure you're ready yet, you know?
Dad, I took Driver's Ed.
I passed the written test, and I'm 15.
The state of California says I'm ready to drive.
Yeah, but the state of California
doesn't have to sit in the front seat with you.
Dad, come on.
Yeah, Dad, come on.
I'm sure when you were 15,
you were just dying to get behind the wheel
of your mom's Pacer.
Not me.
I was perfectly happy taking the bus.
And my dates were very impressed with the extra legroom.
Dad, this is really cruel.
Please don't make me beg.
All right.
Thanks, Dad, you're the greatest. Let's go.
Okay, just let me shower, shave
and, you know, paint the house.
Dad.
Danny.
Okay, okay.
Boy, everybody's so uptight around here.
I wrote a song about a duck and a pig.
♪ Oh, Mr. Duck ♪
♪ Oh, Mr. Pig ♪
♪ Quack, quack, quack, quack ♪
♪ Oink, oink, oink, oink ♪
♪ Quack, quack... ♪
Michelle, will you please leave us alone?
♪ Quack, quack ♪
Rita and I are busy telling fortunes, okay?
Tell mine, tell mine.
Okay. In the very near future,
you'll be singing a song about a duck and a pig
out in the hall.
That was easy.
Too easy. She'll be back.
I'm back.
Michelle!
I didn't finish my song.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
♪ Quack, quack, quack, quack ♪
♪ Oink, oink, oink, oink ♪
♪ Quack, quack, quack, quack ♪
♪ Oink, oink, oink, oink ♪
That's enough.
If you don't get out right now,
I'm gonna call the hairy, scary monster.
Oh, puh-lease.
All I have to do is say his name three times.
Oh, hairy, scary monster.
That's one.
Is he nice, like the Cookie Monster?
Are you kidding?
He scares the Cookie Monster.
Because he's the hairy, scary monster.
That's two.
Uh-oh. Next comes three.
It sure does.
Hairy, scary--
Don't say it!
MICHELLE: Joey, help.
Joey, help!
Michelle, what is it?
He's coming!
Michelle, would you take it easy?
Who's coming?
Stephanie said there was a hairy, scary monster.
Oh, no, I said it.
Michelle, there's no such thing as a hairy, scary monster.
That's two. One more time, and he comes.
Okay, you've gotta trust me on this one.
I'm gonna say it one more time,
and you'll see that nothing's gonna happen.
Wait.
Okay, go ahead.
Okay.
Hairy, scary monster.
It's okay, you can look now.
See, there's no monster.
What a rip-off.
Now, Michelle,
when Stephanie was telling you
about this hairy, scary monster,
were you bugging her?
It's...possible.
Well, I think Stephanie just played a little joke on you
just to get rid of you.
So don't you think you should forgive and forget?
What are you, nuts? I'm getting them back.
What was I thinking?
DANNY: Look how smoothly I'm driving it.
Do you notice? D.J.: Yeah.
Notice my braking? Mm-hm.
I even filled the car with gas for you, honey.
There's nobody better to teach you than your old dad.
All right.
Okay, Dad. Hand over the keys.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
First, let's go over a few small details.
Dad, the keys.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Now, this is an automobile, Deej.
Hood, headlights, bumper, bugs.
Keys.
Okay.
Dad.
Sorry.
Yes!
Okay, be careful opening the door.
Okay, seat belts on.
Very good.
Can I be any more responsible?
Okay, and the car on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, yeah. Radio on.
[CALM CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, Dad.
[WILD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Deej. [MUSIC STOPS]
Dad, I have to learn to drive with music like a normal person.
I don't want you driving like a normal person,
I want you driving like me.
You just follow my instructions completely now, okay?
First, adjust the mirrors.
Very good. Now, Deej, listen to me.
Get your radar out, okay?
Examine the big picture.
Check for traffic, pedestrians, stray cattle.
Dad, we're in an empty parking lot.
Are you gonna question every instruction I give you?
Sorry.
No cattle.
Very good. Now, secure the litter bag.
This is unbelievable.
Litter bag secure, sir. Anything else?
No, I guess that about covers it.
Why don't we just, uh, pack it in for today,
and let it all sink in?
What? I didn't even get to drive.
Okay, I guess we can move on to lesson number two.
Okay. Now,
with your hands holding the wheel firmly at 10 and two.
That's 11 and one. Ten and two.
Okay, put your foot on the brake
and carefully put the car into drive.
Okay, now slowly and gently,
take your foot off of the brake
and put it onto the accelerator,
pressing ever so lightly.
[ENGINE REVS]
Ever so lightly!
Put it in park! Put it in park.
Dad, you're making me so tense.
Tense is good. It'll keep you alert.
Okay, okay, okay, I-I'm sorry.
Let's just start over again, okay?
Hands at 10 and two.
Foot on the brake.
Put the car into drive,
this time keep your foot off of the gas pedal.
Let's just master the fine art of riding the brake, okay?
Oh, this is nice.
There's no need to be a speed demon.
Dad, I think a snail just passed us.
Wait, stop, stop!
Now what?
You're heading straight for that tree.
Don't you see it?
You can't mean that tree on the other end of the lot?
Dad, I'm nowhere near it.
I didn't say you were near it. I asked you if you saw it.
D.J., you are never gonna learn to drive
if you don't listen to me.
Well, I'm never gonna learn
because you don't want me to learn.
Oh, okay. Okay, that's it. You are way too emotional
to be in the driver's seat.
Switch places. Out of the car.
Fine. Fine.
Fine. Fine. Fine.
Fine.
What are you doing back there?
Well, I'm really not in the mood to sit next to you.
You don't trust me. You don't want me to drive.
You don't wanna help me, so please just leave me alone.
This went well.
Okay, Jess, all ready. Bring in the boys.
Cheese.
What have you done to my babies?
I took them down to the Harley Shop.
They opened a new department: Tykes on Bikes.
What's that on your heads?
Do-rags.
Nice touch, huh?
Do-rags?
Mm-hm.
Oh, my mother's gonna love this picture.
Honey, I don't want everyone knowing my kids are baldies.
Sweetheart, lots of babies are bald.
Not me. When I was born,
the doctor smacked my butt and gave me a blow dryer.
That figures.
Well, I have to admit, you guys do look awfully cute.
Okay, smile.
Come here, pumpkin pie.
All right, Nicky, give me that Elvis lip.
Sorry, Mom.
JESSE: How'd the driving lesson go?
Ask him.
She's got a serious attitude problem.
Me? He was screaming at me like a maniac.
Excuse me, but that's a natural reaction
when somebody's hot-rodding.
I better go take care of this.
Okay, fellas, now that he's gone,
what do you say we play a game?
Hide the do-rags.
Let me tell you something,
police officers have pulled me over
just to compliment my driving.
I bet they were on foot.
All right, Danny, lighten up now.
You know, teaching someone to drive,
it should be a fun thing.
You really think so?
Absolutely.
Oh, thanks, Uncle Jesse.
This is gonna be so fun.
Me? You want me to teach you to drive?
Yeah. Who better?
You know everything about cars.
You're the Road Warrior.
I guess I am, huh.
Well, that's fine with me if it's okay with your dad.
Is it okay, Dad?
I don't know, Deej.
You really wanna learn to drive
from a guy who's dressed like a pirate?
It's a do-rag. And it's gone, okay?
You can trust me. I'm a father now.
But if you wanna take her out again yourself--
No, no, no, no. I-- I-- I trust you. I trust you.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
Just be very, very careful, okay?
All right, now, Deej, what have you learned so far?
Uh, how to secure the litter bag and check for cattle.
Oh, good. Well, if a cow has to throw away a gum wrapper,
you'll be ready.
Hello, yeah, Governor Wilson's office?
Yes, hi, Danny Tanner here, concerned citizen.
Yeah, I was just wondering,
is there any way we can raise the driving age to 35?
Check it out,
"Doogie Howser reveals his most intimate secrets."
"Doogie likes tuna fish and music."
Boy, he really spilled his guts.
Guess what. I'm a cheerleader.
Not now, Michelle.
Gimme a A. Gimme a B.
Gimme a C. Gimme a--
Give me an O-U-T. Out, Out.
Wayyyy out.
This is my room too.
Okay.
I guess I'm gonna have to call the hairy, scary monster.
Oops.
I said his name once.
I'm not scared.
Oh, really?
Hairy, scary monster.
That's two.
I'm still not scared.
You will be.
Hairy, scary...
Run, Michelle, run.
I don't think so.
Okay, you asked for it.
Monster!
Well, well, well. Look who's not here.
Okay, there is no monster.
But, uh, get out anyway.
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMING]
Thank you, Joey.
You're very welcome, Michelle.
Joey, we knew it was you all along.
Right, Rita?
Heck, no.
Okay.
Now, look, you guys are all even now, okay?
So let's call a little truce.
Steph, no more scaring Michelle.
Michelle, when Stephanie's in here with her friends,
you gotta give her some space. Deal?
Deal. Deal.
Okay, here, put this on, Michelle,
and let's all howl on it.
Ready.
[ALL HOWLING]
Wow, I never thought I'd be driving your Mustang.
I like to call her Sally.
Mustang Sally.
You know, there's only 1100 of these
in the whole country, but mine is the only one
with a complete set of Elvis lug nuts.
All right. Go ahead, start it up.
You mean I don't even have to wrestle you for the keys?
D.J., driving should be
a very calm, cool, soothing experience.
Now, turn the key, and let's...
cruise.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Listen to that baby purr.
She's talking to you, Deej.
You hear her?
Yeah. She's saying I should've learned to drive
with you in the first place.
Uncle Jesse, you're the coolest.
I know, it's just something I've learned to live with.
All right, now, before you put it into drive,
I want you to-- I want you to feel the vibrations.
Okay, listen to Sally.
That way, you become the car,
and in turn, the car becomes...
you.
Yeah.
I am the car.
Righteous.
All right, now, go to the lamp post
and make a right.
You mean I get to leave the parking lot?
This is so cool.
Okay, now, is there anything I should know
before making my very first turn?
Sally will tell you. Now, just simply feel it.
Feel it.
Feel it!
[METAL GRINDING]
My baby, my--
It's just a car.
[TEARFULLY] It's just a c-ca...
I am so sorry. I feel terrible.
I-- I promise I'll do better tomorrow.
[MOUTHS] Tomorrow?
[BRAKES SCREECHING ON TV]
Why am I watching this?
You made it back. How'd it go?
Oh, everything was fine.
Oh, thank God.
Except for the accident.
You got in an accident?!
Well, nobody got hurt. I--
I just put a teeny tiny scratch on Mustang Sally.
Everything's okay, right, Uncle Jesse?
Sure.
It's just a c-c-ca...
I should've never let you go out.
Why can't you be cool about this like Uncle Jesse?
He's taking me out again tomorrow.
[SNICKERS]
You know, actually, Deej, I was thinking,
what's the rush? I mean, you know.
San Francisco has such an excellent, excellent
public transportation system.
You know, like I always say,
there's no place like a bus to make new friends.
I can't believe you're saying this.
You sound just like Dad.
I passed the test! I got my learner's permit!
It was amazing.
I took home the manual.
I read the stuff inside.
And then when I took the test,
I remembered the stuff that I read.
You mean you studied.
Is that what I did? Wow.
[HORN HONKING]
Oh, that's my dad.
He's taking me out for a driving lesson right now.
[GIGGLES]
What a joker, he's wearing a blindfold.
For the first time in my life, I wish I was a Gibbler.
All I wanna do is be able to drive a car
like everybody else in America.
Why are you guys making this so hard for me?
Sweetheart, I know I've been crazy about all this,
but for the last 15 years, all I've been doing is
trying to protect you.
When you learned to walk,
I covered the whole house in foam rubber.
I can't foam-rubber all of San Francisco.
I know. I got estimates.
Deej, if anything ever happened to you, I--
I don't know what I'd do.
Dad, don't worry.
Nothing is gonna happen to me.
How do you know that?
There's a lot of bad drivers out there.
Kimmy Gibbler is out on the road right now.
Deej, listen, I know how you feel,
but you know, I'm a father now too,
and so I know how your dad feels.
I mean, since the day my kids were born,
I haven't stopped worrying about them.
Well, it's nice that you guys are worried about me.
But what am I supposed to do, ride a bike the rest of my life?
Of course not.
How about a horse?
Dad, you have to let go.
I know, I-- I have a hard time letting go,
but now I have to let go of you at 55 miles an hour.
But, Dad, the more I practice,
the better driver I'm gonna be.
Danny, she's right.
Somebody's gotta teach her.
It's either us or Mr. Gibbler.
I vote for us.
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
All right.
And this time, I'll try not to be so tense.
Right, and I'll try not to be so laid-back.
Thanks, guys. Let's get out there.
Whose car are we gonna take?
His. His.
Fine, fine. We'll take mine. I mean, you know,
considering I trust her more than you do.
What are you talking about?
I trust her just as much as you do.
Okay, fine. We'll take yours.
All right.
Okay, you guys ready?
Oh, yeah, yeah, we're cool and calm
and belted in really tight.
Now, whatever you do, don't use the feel-it method.
Just-- Just pull out and take it nice and easy.
Yeah, but not too easy.
You have to drive defensively.
Yeah, but you don't wanna be uptight.
Are you calling me uptight?
Uptight, paranoid, whatever.
Oh, now I'm paranoid? I care--
I realize that, but--
Hey, if you boys don't behave,
I'll turn this car right around and go straight home.
Sorry. Sorry.
Okay, signal. Check my mirrors.
Look over my shoulder
and pull out into traffic for the very first time.
I'm really driving. I love it.
JESSE: She's pretty good, huh, Danny?
DANNY: Yeah, I'm actually feeling good about this.
Can I turn on the radio?
DANNY & JESSE: No.
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
[***]
* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh *
* Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa *