♪ Once in every lifetime
♪ Comes a love like this
♪ Oh, I need you, you need me
♪ Oh, my darling can't you see
♪ The Young Ones
♪ Darling, we're The Young Ones
♪ We're The Young Ones... ♪
SHRILL WHISTLE Shouldn't be afraid
♪ To live, love
♪ This is up to us to decide
♪ Because we may not be The Young Ones
♪ Because we may not be The Young Ones very long. ♪
CANNED LAUGHTER
MUSIC ENDS
That's a great new version of The Young Ones.
That was brilliant!
Shame about Cliff Richard.
What about him?
What?!
What about Cliff Richard?
Are you trying to be funny?
LAUGHTER
Um, ah...
Because if you are, I think it's in pretty poor taste, that's all.
I'm not a fridge, you know!
LAUGHTER
Weird, eh?
I'd better get back to the lentil casserole
before I get disorientated.
LAUGHTER
GALES OF LAUGHTER
It'll soon be over for you lentils.
(SNEEZES)
LAUGHTER
Oh, wow!
This is really, amazingly hot.
I'd better get it to the table quickly.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no room at all, eh?
Heavy!
LAUGHTER
I'll never get it back to the cooker in time now.
I'm just going to have to...
Ow!
RIOTOUS LAUGHTER
Oh, no!
ALL GROAN
Bad karma.
Again!
Guys?
There's some dinner on the floor if you want it.
But if you don't, like, that would also be cool
because I only spent all day cooking it, right?
And I was the one who got it together
to put the lentils on to soak last night,
but maybe we should just get a cat, right,
and give it to the cat 'cause it's obvious none of you can be both...
Guys?
LAUGHTER
Maybe it would be cool if I just died, right?
LAUGHTER
Well?
Well, what, Rick?
Have you decided to apologise for what you said about Cliff Richard?
I didn't say anything about Cliff Richard, Rick.
I wasn't even...
Look, I don't want to discuss it, OK?
I wouldn't even discuss the colour of orange juice with you, Neil.
LAUGHTER
But I've written a poem and I think perhaps it might help you.
It's orange, Rick.
And, look, I don't want to depress you or anything but, like,
you're standing in a huge mound of lentil casserole.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Cliff!
Sometimes it must be difficult not to feel as if.
You really are a cliff.
When fascists keep trying to push you over it.
Are they the lemmings or are you, Cliff?
Or are you, Cliff?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow, that was really pretty bad, Rick.
Bad for society when the kids start to get into it.
I'm going to kill myself now.
Pretty angry stuff, right?
Let them try and ignore that, right?
Those clever trousers in the army!
And the police and the government, if they can.
I see things much more clearly now.
Bye, Rick.
Yes, goodbye.
I'll probably come back as a lentil.
LAUGHTER
I might even get put in prison and have water dripped on my head!
I might even get a personal message from Cliff.
Oh, wow.
This is the end, man.
Doesn't anybody ever suss out cleaning this oven except me?
LAUGHTER
Oh, this is so dirty, man!
Uncool.
I bet you could look inside all the dirty ovens in the world, right,
even the ones at the bottom of swamps,
and you wouldn't find one as dirty as this, right?
LAUGHTER
Neil! Why don't you listen to me, Neil?
Why don't you listen to me?!
Do...do you find me boring or something?
Look, look!
That's a saucer.
That's boring.
Look.
GALES OF LAUGHTER
Pretty different, really, isn't it?
It's not really the same thing at all, is it, Neil?
Neil! SMASH!
I will not be associated with saucers.
Hi, guys.
6:15, enter Mike the cool person for his dinner.
Strolls across the floor, "Hi, Neil," he says,
looking good and already warming up.
Is that supper?
Oh, no, that's supper over there.
LAUGHTER
Why are you smashing up saucers, Rick? You prints on 'em?
I know just how you feel, man.
Sometimes saucers used to make me pretty angry too.
Yeah, there's a lot of heads buried at the bottom of the garden
because of a saucer in the works.
I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you, Mike?
Well, you'd be right because that's the kind of guy I am, right?!
Weird, which is why I go over people's heads.
A bit like an aeroplane.
You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not.
I don't think you're an aeroplane, Rick.
Sycophant!
LAUGHTER
Guys, I really think we ought to get it together to eat something.
Eaten any good books lately?
Oh, don't! The best I can manage these days
is to stuff down a few pages of The Guardian before I nip out.
I managed to nibble away at a few lines of Hippolytus the other day,
number 32.
Oh, lucky you.
Euripides is my dream poet.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Wonderful!
This should raise a dry smile then.
Knock knock.
Oh, how wonderful! Who's there?
Euripides. Euripides who?
Euripides these trousers, you mend-a these trousers!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(SHOUTS) Oh, a rat!
LAUGHTER
Oh, wow! Rick, man, that's really heavy, man.
My grandfather made that guitar entirely out of matchsticks
on his deathbed!
I hate rats, OK?
DISGUSTED GROANS
(BURPS AND SLURPS)
It's what he would've wanted.
LAUGHTER
Guys, I'm sorry the meal got a bit uncool, like, floor wise
but it's all right because I've probably got the dirtiest bit.
Ha ha ha!
OK, guys, don't do anything unusual.
Did a guy with a lisp phone?
Ah, no-one phoned you, Mike.
Well, we haven't got a telephone.
Yeah, I know.
I know, but did a guy with a lisp phone?
No, he didn't.
Did he say anything about the bananas?
Ah...no.
I thought you said he didn't phone? He didn't!
OK, OK, that's good.
But it could've been very bad.
Anyway, forget you ever even heard the name.
LAUGHTER
Ah, what name?
Hey, hey, you're learning! That's good!
I've got an uncle called Dusty.
Neil, are these lentils South African?!
Well, ah...
You bastard! You complete and utter bastard!
Why didn't you just go out and become a policeman,
become a pig, there's no difference, you know?!
Argh! Ow, ow!
There's no difference, you know? You think there is, but there isn't.
I suppose you hate gay people too. Hippie!
Listen, listen, just don't bring me down again, all right, Rick?!
OK. Where is my biro?
Where is my biro?!
Here, here, use mine.
This is my biro!
I just saw it lying on your desk, I thought you didn't want it any more.
But look at it, it's half empty.
It was just lying there, Rick, what's a guy supposed to think?
Neil. What are you doing, Neil?
To make a meal, Neil.
That's surreal.
From totalitarian vegetables.
How much does it cost, Neil?
Well, actually, it's about ã4.50 each.
BOTH: ã4.50?!
I'm not paying you money to eat black men!
I can pick up a pig and do that for free.
Neil, when I eat a meal worth ã4.50, I'm not paying for it, you got me?
Yeah, OK, OK.
Like, house meeting, OK?
I know ã4.50 is a hell of a lot of bread to lay out
just for a lentil casserole, but I did a lot, right,
and it struck me that, like,
considering what I'm going to do tonight,
I should do, like, 13 portions.
13? What are you doing, starting a football team?
No, no, killing myself.
Killing myself. This is my last supper, right?
I've finished building my gallows and its totally far out.
You should see it, Rick.
When the trapdoor opens and I, like, die,
it lights joss sticks and plays Rock Around The Clock.
It's totally amazing, man.
LAUGHTER
Oh, far out! Really great! Woodstock!
BANG!
AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Oh, fine, great, yeah!
Why don't you sit in the supper, man, yeah?
Vyvyan, you might've washed your hands.
I been down the morgue.
Oh, fine. Yeah, great, let's talk about death.
I mean, don't consider my feelings tonight or anything, will you?
Cutting up bodies for my course, you know.
None of you ever give the slightest consideration to a word I say.
That's because you're very boring.
Oh! LAUGHTER
Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality
are boring too? Yes, they are.
Ah, fallen into my trap!
In that case, why isn't Cliff Richard boring, clever trousers?
Tell me that.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
OK, lads. Right, um...this is it, OK?
I'm going now, this is the final moment, OK?
I've got a leg!
Vyvyan, that's not unusual.
No, look. I'm supposed to write an essay on it, right,
but I think I'm just going to stick it on the bonnet of my car.
Bye then.
OK, Rick. OK, go back, go previous. Now the scotch egg's another story.
That's a nice angle on the wall.
Straight through it, I like your style.
Certainly had me fooled.
That's only part of the puzzle.
Most days you come through the door.
Sometimes you even open it.
But today you didn't. Today you suddenly changed your routine. Why?
Eh? You in trouble, Vyv?
Are you the final sausage in the fridge?
Is someone coming after you with a piece of cling film?
LAUGHTER
No.
We got a letter from the council.
Look, nobody's fed my hamster, have they?
Um...
Look, I'll see you on the other side, OK, lads?
This is really it. I'm going, OK? Yeah, yeah. See you, Neil.
Yeah, bye, Neil.
And you can forget about the bread, OK, man?
Hey, listen, it's just like going to sleep, OK?
I'm an insomniac, Mike.
So what are you worried about? LAUGHTER
Oh, yeah, thanks. Thanks, Mike. Bye.
Look, nobody's fed Special Patrol Group, have they?
Listen, Vyv, this letter, are you sure it wasn't a packing case?
Or maybe a tea chest with Zurich stamped on it?
No, a letter!
I think Special Patrol Group is a stupid name for a hamster.
OK, I'll change it then.
Hello, Cliff Richard.
Bastard! GALES OF LAUGHTER
Argh! Argh! Argh!
Argh!
Thanks a lot, Vyvyan! You know I'm a vegetarian!
LAUGHTER
I really think you ought to feed that hamster more often.
Look, I don't want to spoil him, OK?
He looks like Tesco's when the beans are reduced.
He looks well-fed, though, don't he?
LAUGHTER
CRASH!
Ugh! I could murder a curry!
(FARTS)
Poor old Special Patrol Group.
What's poor about him?
It'll take ten weeks to starve another one.
♪ One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock
♪ Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock... ♪
Well, that's put the rent up by a third!
LAUGHTER
I really screwed that up, didn't I?
I should think I'd look pretty stupid if anyone was watching.
Oh, look at that!
He should've had a shorter rope.
He could've down with it being a bit shorter.
What that lad needs is a good, hard...
BELL RINGS
GALES OF LAUGHTER
I never knew there was so much in it.
Hey, Vyvyan, I don't want to get specific or anything,
but if you knock that wall down, this house is going to collapse.
And there's my duvet and my passport collection.
We got a letter from the council.
Yeah, what letter? Clarity, Vyvyan.
Elucidate. LAUGHTER
Hello, everybody.
Hello, Mike, my little Thunderbird poppet.
Thunderbirds are go, yeah?
♪ Come on, let's twist again like we did last summer
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Let's twist again like we didn't do in Moscow... ♪
Because I've never been there, of course, I am English person.
Hi, I am Jerzy, the crazy, whacky landlord.
You know, I like very much your English punk rock stars, you know.
Your Lulu, your Dave Clark Five.
Oh, yes. I think they are F-A-B, that's English for stupid.
OK, fantastic.
Hey, Mikey, look. I have some Coca-Cola, yes?
We have party, yes.
OK, let's dance. Let's do The Fog.
You know, I am liking very much your Harold Macmillan.
Thanks to him I am never having a...
Mr Balowski, we have residents' rights, you know.
You're supposed to knock.
Listen, don't you think it's a nice house here?
It's good house, it's clean house.
Michael Caine and Twiggy, yes.
So maybe sometime you would like to pay me some rent,
then we go down milk bar for soda pop, you shovel, yes?
Listen, Jerzy...
Jeremy, actually. Jeremy.
Listen, if you're worried about the rent, I've got that sussed.
Gentlemen, house meeting, in the hall, two seconds. Be there!
Hey, I think you are nice, good, democratic boy, yes?
I hope you marry a Scottish person like Lulu, yes?
'Because I am also Scottish, you know.'
(ENGLISH ACCENT) I'm not really foreign, you know.
I just do it to appear more sophisticated.
I mean, nobody would buy Evian water if it was called Blackburn water,
would they? LAUGHTER
Nobody would wear kicker boots if they were made in Scunthorpe.
ABBA, ABBA, Swedish.
I knew them when they were a Lancashire clog dancing trio.
RIOTOUS LAUGHTER
Arthur, Betty and Boris and Angela.
Solzhenitsyn, Solzhenitsyn,
a former pipe fitter/welder from Harrogate!
LAUGHTER
Back to the acting.
OK, Jerzy. Yes?
About the rent. Yes.
Oh, I nearly forgot, these two men wanted to see you.
Two men, Morecambe and Wise, yes?
Funny comedians with the wigs and the buckets of water, yes?
No, no, no.
They said they were with the Moscow Dynamos Ice Hockey Squad.
Eh? I told them I never heard of you, said I'd never seen you before.
OK, yes, I say, it's good joke, yes?
It's earthy English humour, yes?
Like seaside postcard from Leicester, yes?
Yeah, yeah. So we'll forget about the rent,
we'll pay you another time, is that cool?
Yes, that's absolutely icebox.
LAUGHTER
See you later, Ford Anglia.
LAUGHTER
I hate him.
Do you think he really is British?
Well, he knows a lot about the Mersey sound.
Shut up! I'm trying to stir my coffee.
Well, listen, we got a letter from the council.
They're going to demolish the house tomorrow.
THUNDER CRASHES
LAUGHTER
But I was going to turn it into an entertainment complex.
This room is a roller disco.
Hey, I'm depressed.
It's Nine Below Zero.
He's bloomin' right, you know.
NINE BELOW ZERO PLAYS INTRO
♪ Out there shacked up on the beach we'd see her
♪ Seeking out an ice-cream
♪ Big shout Terror's in the cake stall
♪ Thrown down So much for the gate cool
♪ I've got nothing but sit around here playing with my cube
♪ I've got nothing to do
♪ Eleven plus eleven
♪ Had more to do when I was seven
♪ Eleven plus eleven
♪ Had more to do when I was seven
♪ Stand here
♪ There's got to be a corner round here
♪ You can't say any surer but watch out
♪ We've moving and pushing round to come here
♪ You're lucky to be out of gaol
♪ I've got nothing to do but sit around here playing with me cube
♪ I've got nothing to do
♪ Eleven plus eleven
♪ Oh, I've got nothing to do but sit around here playing with me cube
♪ I've nothing to do
♪ Eleven plus eleven
♪ Had more to do when I was seven
♪ Eleven plus eleven
♪ Had more to do when I was seven
♪ More to do when I was seven
♪ More to do when. ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
WHISTLING AND CHEERING
How can they, ie, the council, destroy the house of Mike?
Listen, Michael, there's no need to worry.
I've got a plan with which to thwart them!
LAUGHTER
Oh, God, no sugar!
LAUGHTER
Oh, wow.
A wet bum, just what I need.
Far out.
Wait, now we're in the same supermarket
and we're not buying peas.
Look, you're agreed the council must be thwarted, right?
Hey, does this face empty knickers?
That I don't know.
But when the council come to demolish the house tomorrow,
Michael, they're going to find it already demolished from within.
OK, step back, recoil. Go previous.
I want to study the angles,
and, hey, I'm not talking about fishing.
Give me the letter.
The letter, yeah. With pleasure.
CRASH!
LAUGHTER
Vyvyan, this isn't our house.
Well, whose is it, then? Somebody else's.
Look, when they get back, tell them I'm incredibly sorry.
LAUGHTER
Well, old man?
Woods and the darkness and the howling wind.
Will the snows never cease?
They seem to reach back forever.
They began the night Uncle Volga died
on the night we heard the shot.
If only we were deaf.
Do you remember when this very room
was filled with light and laughter and young people?
How we laughed.
Ha ha!
LAUGHTER
Hee hee!
Was the food richer then? Or have we just forgotten?
It was sort of crunchy.
GALES OF LAUGHTER
The woods and the darkness and the howling wind.
Will the snows never cease?
They seem to reach back forever.
Could you be quiet, please?
I'm trying to watch my favourite programme.
Will you stop it, Vyvyan?
Listen, if we don't smash the house up,
the council are going to demolish it tomorrow.
He's right, you know.
They're going to knock the house down tomorrow.
That's all very well but finally after years of stagnation
the TV people have woken up to the need
for locally based minority programmes
made by amateurs and perhaps of interest to only two or three people.
It's important, right.
It's now and I want to watch.
LAUGHTER
Wet feet. Nice one, Vyvyan.
I thought you were dead.
Well, that's no reason to hassle me on the toilet.
LAUGHTER
Council are going to knock the house down.
Shush! Shush! Ssssssh!
Ssh-ssh!
And now let's shake some action here on 2 with a new programme
for young adults - Nozin' Aroun'.
♪ Nozin' Aroun'
Nozin' Aroun'
♪ Nozin' Aroun' Nozin' Aroun'. ♪
Hi, my name's Baz,
and me and my mates thought that TV just wasn't now, right?
I expect, like us, you're not into all that stuff your old man's into.
Right? So we just thought we'd have a programme for us, right?
And this is it, Nozin' Aroun'.
Yeah, N-O-Z.
Z for zap.
This is a programme for young adults made by young adults,
and concentrating on all the subjects that young adults
are interested in.
Like, unemployment. Maggie.
Hey, yeah. Really great!
And now I'm going to be looking at what it's like
to be a young, unemployed adult because more young adults
are becoming unemployed on account of the fact
that they can't find work.
Basically, the problem is this.
If you haven't got a job, then you're out of work
and that means only one thing.
Unemployment.
Yeah, got your back.
All right, yeah. So, thanks a lot, Maggie, worth listening to.
After all it's our world too.
Right?
Right.
Really great. Hi, well, I'm standing up here on this scaffolding
because that's what this programme is all about - shock, yeah, right.
OK. Thanks a lot there, Maggie.
Right, but now it's time to have a bit of a natter
with our very special guest, Roland Percival,
who's careers officer at East London College.
GALES OF LAUGHTER
Roland, getting down? Right down, thank you.
Well...
Baz?
Well, a lot of my mates say to me, "What is the point?"
What would you say to them?
But, surely, Baz, your mates must realise
that there definitely is a point.
So, a real message of hope and good cheer there from Roland,
a really ace guy.
Drop in and see him for a chat at the call-in.
But that doesn't mean I want you to seduce my parrot.
(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah!
GALES OF LAUGHTER
Anyway, if you're on the dole, go and see Rol.
Oh, I should stress that you do have to have a degree.
Yeah, right. OK.
Thanks a lot there, Rol.
But now it's the part of the programme where you, yeah,
you the viewers, get a chance to put your ideas and opinions.
New concept, right - our world too.
So, here we go, with Street Level.
I'm 16. I'm old enough to marry and have children
but I can't drink in pubs.
When will the government wake up and realise that young adults
are mature and responsible people?
I'm 16, right. I can join the army, the air force or the navy
but I can't drink in pubs.
When will the government realise that young adults
have a valued contribution to give to society?
GALES OF LAUGHTER
A lot of people say that young adults are violent, right?
But how would you feel if you were old enough to have intercourse
with a partner of your choice, yet you could not drink in pubs?
LAUGHTER
Right, well, there you go.
That's the problem.
What do you do of an evening
if you're a young adult and can't go drinking in pubs?
Now what I think is that if the kids are united,
we will never be divided!
Did you see that? Did you?
The voice of youth.
They're still wearing flared trousers!
LAUGHTER
Why don't you try a bit of poetry, you hippies!
Rick, Rick, the council are going to knock me house down tomorrow.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, so you keep saying,
but they'll never do it.
This is a student residence, a seat of learning.
The council have OK'd it, OK?
Oh, right on.
Right on!
Typical!
Human beings are the last consideration.
Take a street, any street, an English street,
filled with life and hope and poetry...
Not the whole street, just us!
It says we're a health hazard.
But I live in the laundrette!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's OK, it's OK because,
because the letter is signed T Smith, Miss. See?
Do you see? T Smith, Miss. Yes, I can see that!
I even believe it's perfumed.
Dust off the duvet, lads, I'll handle this.
I'll handle this!
SMACK!
I'll handle this! I can't handle this.
When they come, I'm going to hide in the wall cavity
and pretend to be thermal insulation.
And then when they knock the wall down, boom shanka!
♪ MORNING HAS BROKEN
LAUGHTER
House, house, house.
Oh, you are made of stone.
But you're not a lone-ly house.
I am here.
♪ I've got myself a walking, talking, living, walking, living doll... ♪
Excuse me.
Yeah? If you're looking for the house that's going to be demolished,
it isn't this one.
I think it's the one on the other side of town.
Excuse me?
Another half hour, just a bit more time, OK?
KABOOM!
Some of these bricks explode.
That's good, innit?
Excuse me.
I mean, why don't you just go and live in Iran, right, or Russia?!
Listen, everybody, I've stewed up some lentils and seaweed
as a sort of last positive action.
Hey, Rick man, what are you doing with my crucifix, man?
I'm protesting.
I really think I should lay this one on you, man.
That's a really negative way to kill yourself, you know.
Like, I've tried it hundreds of times.
There's no way you can hammer in the last nail.
LAUGHTER
Excuse me.
Are you the leaseholder to these premises?
(STAMMERS)
I'm being hassled in the street by a chick.
I'm a bit paranoid, man.
Stop making him paranoid, you slag!
Ugh!
Hey, baby.
Maybe just once I'd like to keep the lentils off the floor.
ALL GROAN
So who turns on your bulb in the wee small hours?
I'm sorry?
If the world's an egg, border collie,
then this kid's the lion, stamped on the side. Thank you.
Now what I really need is your rent book.
You know the French for duvet?
I'm talking about 100% cotton.
Mmm! I'd like to find your duck down stuck to the soap.
That's enough. Now what I really would like...
Open mouth surgery?
Feel my scalpel.
You ever done it on a beanbag?
Baby, I do it inside beanbags.
All right! Aaaaah!
MEN SHOUT
Don't worry, lads. These bastards won't get away with this.
RIOTOUS LAUGHTER
CRASH!
Yeah, come on, man. You'd be doing me a favour.
LAUGHTER
Oh, right on!
Wow, I really hope we don't have a crash.
Me too.
But they say it's safer than crossing the road.
Yes, but we have to do that too.
Best not to think about it.
HUGE ROAR OVERHEAD
Oh, no!
That plane is going to crash on us.
HUGE EXPLOSION
Closed Captions by CSI