(WOMAN) That was truly amazing, June.
- who's had us in stitches. - (BOTH GIGGLE)
It's tome for us to hand over to Alan Partridge, Are you ready, Alan?
- Yes. Goodnight. - Goodnight, Alan,
The Nesbitt sisters there. Tonight, we're talking about death.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(MAN) Wivenhoe, Flitwick, Tiptree,
Holbeach, Pinchbeck Terrington St Clement, Thetford Forest.
It's 10p,m, this is "Norfolk Nights" with Alan Partridge.
How would you like to be disposed of when you're dead?
We're taking e-mails on that tonight, starting with Mike who's 24.
He wants to be buried in a large satin-lined coffin with a couple of Page Three stunners.
They're alive, he says... I'm not reading this.
One here from Susan from Spixworth.
She'd like her ashes to be scattered in a meadow. That's the kind of thing we want.
Sorry. We're also taking emails on the big question. What happens after we die?
Frederick emails to say he has four children.
He has a new baby boy, Joshua, and his daughter has just started school.
He thinks that after death there is nothing.
OK. Two questions. How are we going to eat and what floor's the restaurant on?
The answer is "The Chinese Way" and Level 42.
Ooh, a dead daddy-long-legs.
I'm still drinking it.
Ooh, that was Terence Trent D'Arby, cocky man from the '80s,
helping everyone relax in "Alan's Deep Bath".
Alan's Deep Bath,
We're down to the final lather.
Just relax. There's a foamy bit on your shoulder.
let's make it more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid.
Don't you feel good? Relax.
Don't fall asleep and slip under... terrible statistics about that.
Let's just finish your neck off now with some final suds.
Mmmm.
- Alan's Deep Bath.. - Brought to you by Dettol,
It's 1 a.m. Calling all pigeons. There's a cat amongst you.
That cat's name is Dave Clifton
purr-opping up the bar in his fictional "Nightclub".
Better being in a fictional nightclub than in a fictional bath, Alan.
It's better than having fictional listeners.
It's bad enough sitting on your own in a real nightclub, which you do,
but a fictional one is the worth of boast worlds.
Don't you mean the worst of both worlds?
No. I do mean the worth of boast worlds.
In the world of boasters - not the biscuits but people who boast, like you -
their worth is worth...
OK. Here's Matt Bianco.
(MUSIC: "GET OUT OF YOUR LAZY BED")
Chap on the wrong side of the pumps.
Amazing how many people think the petrol cap to a Ford Focus is on the offside rear.
- When will they learn? - That, Michael, is sad.
There's no point pulling it. He's determined to make it reach.
- Oh, he has done. - Was it a good show? Anyone phone in?
Had a discussion about reincarnation with a chap
who was convinced that in a previous life he'd been Arthur Askey.
I pointed out that his and Askey's life had overlapped and he backed down.
I believe in reincarnation. I'd like to come back as an animal, like a dolphin.
- Dolphins are quite intelligent. - I can jump through a hoop and catch fish.
- Can you really? - Yeah.
But can you do this? (MAKES CLICKING NOISE)
- What's that? - A dolphin chatting.
I can do a whale. Oooh!
That's a homosexual.
It's a fascinating subject, reincarnation. l wonder what Lynn would come back as.
- A badger. I see her as a badger. - I can imagine her sniffing the air.
- Then smack her with a shovel. - I wouldn't do that.
- Not even if she was a badger. - You have to control them. They've got TB.
So had the Bronti sisters.
I wouldn't hit them with a shovel no matter how bad the books were'.
"Heathcliff!" Pang! Then he really would be wuthering.
Look, a Lexus. It's a better one than yours.
Since owning a Lexus, it's amazing the number of Lexi you see around.
That's the plural.
The "Daily Mail"? Arguably the best newspaper in the world.
- Oh, yes. - Nice Lexus.
Yes. I love Lexi.
- I say that Lexus is like the... - (BOTH) Japanese Mercedes.
Yeah. I hate Mercs. People who drive them are just sa-a-ad.
- Are you wearing lynx? - Well smelt. Voodoo.
Java.
- Alan Partridge. - Dan Moody.
I wear Tommy Hilfinger.
- It's Hilfiger. - It says Hilfinger on the bottle.
- Did you buy it down the market? - Aye.
Amazing Lexus connection.
- Do you drink Director's? - I've got it on tap.
- I'm joking. - Great!
We both like the "Daily Mail", we both drive Lexi.
- Plural. - Plural. And we both drink Director's.
It's like "The X-Files", but a pleasant one.
- The Lex Files. - God, that's good.
- Can I shake your hand again? - Take a card.
Card with a handshake? I used to do that, but kept getting it wrong.
Gave a paper cut to a man from Nestle.
- You own Kitchen Planet on the A416? - The very same.
- It's massive. - 10,OOO square feet of kitchens.
- I know who you are. "Norfolk Nights". - The very same.
And "Skirmish", a military-based quiz show on digital cable channel UK Conquest
that has the largest audience share for a digital channel at that time of day
in the Norfolk area.
You should do him a cheap kitchen.
Michael, I wouldn't ask for a 25% discount on a kitchen.
- I can get you a kitchen. - Fancy a Flav?
- Flavia? Good call. - King of coffees.
- In off the red! - How do you take it?
- Unleaded. - Mine's diesel.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
We should go for a proper drink. You provide quality kitchens and I provide...
- Quality radio. - And I work in a petrol station.
- It's just me and Dan going. - Fine. I'll just get hammered on me own.
I'll walk you to your Lexus.
- Shall I put these on the tab? - I wish I could afford a tab!
I can afford one. I've got a six-figure income.
Sonja, that was classic intercourse.
So...thanks.
Let's pop the extractor fan on, get a through draught going.
- Alan, do you want an egg in a bap? - Yes, please.
- Here comes your egg in a bap. - Great. Mmm. Yum-yum.
Oh, it's plastic.
I'll look back on that as an excellent practical joke.
- Is there a whoopee cushion in here? - Yes.
That'll take me by surprise.
(FARTING NOISE)
Where's Lynn? She's never late.
So, this Dan the kitchen man... You think he will be friend?
Yes. I'm convinced he's my best friend.
It will be difficult day for me in coffee shop. I have to cut the carrot cake.
And they say nurses have it tough.
- (KNOCKING) - Good, Lynn. Come in.
Sorry I'm late. I mean, I know I'm not late. I'm just a little bit late.
- Did you get... - I couldn't find my keys.
I had a late night. We went for a curry and as we left, the heavens opened
and we were stuck in the foyer, just pointing at the rain, saying, "We're stuck."
Has your mother's death just hit you?
No. We were stuck in the foyer...
- Who's we? - Me and my friend from church.
- What's her name? - It's a he.
Right, Lynn. Sit down.
(FARTING NOISE)
Don't worry. It's just a cushion that simulates rectal gas.
- What's his name? - Gordon.
- How long has Gordon been at church? - A few weeks. He's just moved here.
- He's a con man. - No. He's a retired policeman.
Lynn, bigamists have several identities.
To men like that, your building society books make fascinating reading.
Sorry. Just thinking of that rain.
Stop laughing, Lynn. You're laughing at weather!
You're like your mother in her last weeks.
- (BUZZING) - We'll have to have a serious talk.
(PHONE RINGS)
Partridge. You're through to the static home.
Dan. Sir Dansworth of Moodyshire!
I knew it was you. I keyed it in when I drove home. Nearly hit a badger.
They're pests, aren't they? Yeah. They cary TB.
So how's it hanging? Yes, I dress on the left too!
Love to. Yeah.
Dan has asked me to present a prize at the Norfolk Bravery Awards tonight.
Yeah. I'd be delighted.
No, please! No! Oh, Sorry.
My Ukrainian girlfriend attacked me with a rubber hammer. She's mildly cretinous.
OK. Bye. Bye.
You know who's going to be at the Norfolk Bravery Awards?
- Who? - Who?!
Anyone who's anyone who's in the Norfolk area.
- Do you want me to come, Alan? - No, thanks, Lynn.
You and Gordon can go and laugh at drizzle.
Tonight I will try some of my jokes and make brave people laugh again.
- Shall I... - Keep her away from dignitaries.
- What about brave people? - She can mingle with them.
She might use a whoopee cushion on someone with M.E.
- I'll be off, then. - One more thing. Ha!
It's a joke knife! It's a joke knife!
It's funnier than rain.
Dan's a fantastic man. He really is.
I was making him laugh on the phone.
He was asking what kind of phone I had and I said, "A Motorola Timeport."
And he said "That's sa-a-ad! You ought to upgrade,"
and I said, "So do you, to a new face!"
He nearly soiled himself! He laughed so much he had Kenco coming out of his nostrils.
And that made me laugh.
But my nostrils were clear.
You can drown in a cup of coffee. Or is it an inch of water? Aaagh!
Alan, look. You're taking a man to the party.
Get it off her.
Look, Sonja.
Alan!
Well done, Lynn. That was textbook.
I will. I will. But, Lynn, please have a word with the builder.
The other day his jeans were so far off his backside, you could see his anus.
There's Dan. Dan!
Dan!
Dan! Dan!
Dan!
Dan! Dan!
He's not seen me. I'll get him later.
Dan!
Fine.
(APPLAUSE)
These awards are about people like Susan Cresswell.
Susan is braver than ten firemen or a dozen policemen.
Four years ago, Susan lost her hand in a cake-cutting machine.
She managed to walk 4OO yards, holding her hand in her other hand, and hailed a taxi.
Imagine what that must have looked like.
The taxi driver drove her to a newsagent
where the hand was packed in Soleros, Magnums, Mini Milks and a Feast.
After six hours of surgery, the hand was sewn back on.
Sadly, it didn't work, so off it came again,
but she still had one good hand and no one was taking that off her.
No one was suggesting they would.
Four years later, she is credit controller at Cromwell Certificated Bailiffs.
Please give a big ha... Applaud! Applaud like mad for Susan Cresswell.
Single-hand Sue tackling the buffet.
Like a human JCB.
See that man with the big head and the small face?
- That's Mike Yapley. - Who owns the Car Supermarket?
- The very same. - He's got a heart of gold.
Teeth of gold as well!
I heard he hit a prostitute.
- Alan. How was your visit to the lavatory? - Mission accomplished.
- Did you see Mr Brown and his friends off? - Yes. I should get a bravery award for it!
No, seriously. It was textbook.
- This is Bob Fraser. - I own Sexton's Garden Centre.
If a bomb went off in here tonight the whole of society would collapse.
In Norwich...for a bit.
Lovely to meet you. I must see Mike Yapley.
Don't dress as a whore or he'll thump you.
Alan, you must meet my lady wife Ceri.
- I love your "Deep Bath". - Dan's told me all about you.
- What did he say? - He just said he was married.
Give him a twirl. Let the dog see the rabbit.
But which is which? Sorry.
I'm the dog. You're a terrific rabbit.
A lovely olden days map of Norfolk there.
- They call Norfolk the rump of Britain. - It looks like a boob.
I stand corrected said the man in the orthopaedic shoes!
There goes Karen Colman.
- Colman's Mustard Colman? - Yeah.
- She is the Grace Kelly of Norfolk. - Her house is massive.
They use it in Hammer Horror films. Can I talk to her?
It's a free county.
- Oh. - I'm keeping an eye on Sonja.
Make sure she doesn't have any stink bombs.
If she detonates those, it'll be the mother of all pongs. Then we'll see who's brave.
..about 3OO.
I'd just started my speech when the heavens opened.
Everybody got absolutely drenched.
So we moved ourselves into the marquee, which was leaking like a sieve...
- Would you like to meet Karen Colman? - Well...yes.
Room for a brave one? Beep-beep!
Excuse me? Mustard. I mean, Karen. This lady would love to meet you.
- Hi. I'm Patricia Lessing. - Karen Colman. Nice of you to come.
- I hope you're being looked after. - Bob owns a garden centre.
- She's an amazing woman. - My grandfather was in a wheelchair.
Was he born in a wheelchair? Not sure what I meant by that.
- Karen, could I bend your ear for a moment? - Of course.
I help disabled people set up businesses...
Really? We must talk. Let me get you a drink.
Would you be brave enough to let me finish my conversation?
- I want to talk about my project. - It's just a meet and greet.
Go to the front of the buffet queue.
- Where's she gone? - She drove off.
As a mustardess, if you like, what's your view on the new kids on the block?
I mean things like Tabasco sauce and soy.
Do those keep you awake at night?
As we say in our family, too much mustard gets up your nose.
Marvellous.
- So many brave people here today. - So ruddy bloody brave.
I love brave people. Sir Donald Campbell. Evel Knievel.
Braveheart... And, of course, yourself.
I'm not brave. I do my bit at events like this and fund-raising for mental health charities.
That's one charity I avoid. Don't want to get tarred with the mad brush.
I really should go and mingle now.
I have mental health problems.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I should have realised. I did wonder when I first met you.
I won't bore you with the details, but I drove to Dundee in bare feet
after buying the rights to K-9, the robot dog from "Dr Who".
We must talk. I've done an awful lot of work in that field.
Did you find out how much she's got?
You know that thing about Norfolk being like a breast? Ceri said the A47 is the areola!
That's not really my kind of humour.
I arrest you on suspicion of sucking up to a mustard magnate.
- You're not a copper. - A citizen's arrest.
- I'll shoot you. - I've got a bulletproof blazer.
- I'll go for the head. - I'm the Terminator!
I've got your kids, Dan.
Oh, cook a cat!
I met a guy called Jack on the internet, then he went back to his wife.
- My boyfriend call him Jack shit! - Is she annoying you?
No. She's been telling me the problems in getting into this county.
I think people like Sonja should be helped to settle here, permanently.
You have to judge each case on its merits.
Listen. Things are beginning to wind down. I've got some friends coming to the house.
- Splendid and tremendous. - It's a girls-only night tonight.
Loads of women talking blabbering crap?
Look, I am brave. My eye is falling out!
That's the tip of the iceberg.
- Oh, you think it's funny. - I'm Sorry.
This'll make you laugh. You say too much mustard gets up your nose? Nonsense.
I'm going to give Sonja a telephone number. There's someone you should talk to.
- I just need some water. - Bye, Alan.
I won't kiss you goodbye. I'll kiss you later. And the rest. Whoa!
Lynn. Have you seen Dan?
No. I think everyone's gone now.
Right. And what are you doing?
I'm going out with Gordon. You're welcome to come.
No, no. I've got lots of plans.
Shitty zombies!
Michael?
Michael.
Oh... No, no.
- (BARKING) - Someone lock the dog in!
- Oh, it's Partridge. - Hello, Michael.
- I can't sell you any petrol. - I was passing. I thought I'd...
- Oh, right. -..say hello.
- Would you like some soup? - I'm not a tramp.
- I'm offering you something to eat. - What have you got?
- I can do you a cup of beans. - A cup of beans?
Have you never had a cup of beans? You're in for a treat.
- Stay there. - Right.
As ordered. One cup of beans. I've put a sausage in. It's a Michael special.
- Lovely. It's like a savoury 99. - Aye.
Use the sausage to scoop the beans out.
- Have you got a spoon? - No.
- You haven't got a spoon? - There's one in the bathroom.
- Are you all right? - I'm watching a documentary about Triads.
I wonder how they get those swords through customs.
- Probably put them in a cardboard tube. - That's a good idea.
- Bye. - Bye.
- What do you want me to do with this... - Put it on the step.
Hello, Lynn. I'm at Dan's big house. Can you come with the kitchen brochures?
That's Smeg, Neff, Poggenpohl and Bosch.
- Come on in. - Can we still talk about kitchens?
- I speak no other language. Drink? - Yeah. Big shot of Director's bitter.
- Hello, Alan. - Hello.
- Budge up. - Sorry I'm a bit late.
- What have you been up to? - Tried to out-dance a computer. Impossible.
Then I fought some zombies with a boy in care. Wiped the floor with him.
Your hand is about 3O mil from my gland.
If I was dressed on the other side it would be in contact.
Your little finger just touched it. I'll just pop that there.
- The kitchen? This is the one for you. - Right.
- Budge up. - That way?
That's a good stainless steel hob. Very futuristic.
That's you. You're naked.
That's you. Hello, Dan.
Is that a granite work surface that's supporting you both?
Not Corian, a man-made marble substitute?
Corian is to marble and granite what MDF is to wood.
- I've got wood there. - That's MDF. Oh, you're making a joke.
- MDF's banned in America. - So's that.
(MOANS OF PLEASURE)
Oh. All done.
- I'll go. - Alan!
I've just remembered my dad is still dead. My dad's dead.
- Alan? - That was quick.
- I brought the brochures. - Can I get you a drink?
- A Bailey's, please. - Take a seat.
Sit there. Sit there.
- This is a comfy sofa. - Oh, Jesus!
- I'll get the drinks. - Aah!
I'll see where your drink is.
- Lynn, these are sex people. - What do you mean?
They're sex swappers! This is Defcon One. Look.
- Urgh! - Don't make the same noise as them!
They'll think you'll want to join in. I'll pause it.
I've hit fast forward. looks like a sort of hardcore Benny Hill.
- That's the work surface I told you about. - Lynn, your Bailey's.
No, thanks. I don't want to be part of your sex festival.
Sex festival?
- Can I be very rude? Not like that. - Ty me.
I don't want to have sex with your wife.
Even though, from the promotional video, I can see I would have a ruddy good time.
- A little hug? - A quick one.
Don't rub your fanny on me.
Look forward to listening to your "Deep Bath" later, Alan.
Yeah.
"From Felixstowe to Spalding, all the issues."
It's 11.3O. Time for my "Deep Bath".
Alan's Deep Bath,
We're stopping this after tonight.
There's the bath, hop in, there's a loofah...
Do be clean. There's a big coarse towel on the radiator.
Don't forget to rinse the bath. Use the shower nozzle to blast off the scum.
Here's Brian and Michael.
# He painted Salford's smoky tops On cardboard boxes from the shops
# And parts of Ancoats where I used to play
# I'm sure he once walked down our street
# 'Cause he painted kids who had nowt on their feet
# The clothes we wore had all seen better days
# And he painted matchstalk men and matchstalk cats and dogs
# He painted kids on the corner of the street with the sparking clogs
# Now he takes his brush and he waits outside them factory gates
# To paint his matchstalk men and matchstick cats and dogs #
King of Anglia!