This programme contains very strong language throughout
and scenes that some viewers may find disturbing.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to Tramadol Nights.
How are you doing, ya big fuckin' loyalist, terrorist suspect?
You big, gun running bisexual down the front here.
How are you doing, man?
That's a face I've only ever seen before on a fuckin' Toby Jug.
I never even seen him there!
You've quantum leaped to be with us tonight
from the Victorian prison system.
How's life been since Erasure split up?
A cross between Andy Bell and a pickled fetus in a fuckin' jar.
Like a child's drawing of a dead baby, how are you doing?
Why have you got your jacket spread over your baws?
Oh, I see, cos you've got your trousers pulled up so tight
you've got one of those ball vaginas.
What's your story, man? Let's find out a bit about you, what do you do?
Fireman.
You're a fireman! Ha-ha!
In a Village People tribute band?
We had the Pope over, didn't we? He said he loved being in Britain,
as most of his Nazi pals only ever made it as far as France.
Very environmentally friendly, the Popemobile,
as it runs on the tears of abused altar boys.
I should point out the Pope isn't a paedophile,
he's a paedophile facilitator.
Met Susan Boyle, what a meeting that must have been,
two people who look unconvincing in a dress.
He thought she was there to be cured.
No, he said he loved meeting Susan Boyle, it took him back
to his youth, when he was being trained to kill the mentally ill.
The Pope says that condoms don't stop the spread of AIDS,
someone should tell the fucker that he's putting them on wrong!
To me, religion, all religions, are just a list of things
that autistic people said thousands of years ago,
that happened to get taken seriously.
"On a Friday you can only eat fish! Nothin' but fish!"
"Brilliant, I'll write it down."
Religion's just what we thought before we understood
what mental illness was. "A bush talked to me."
"Brilliant, what did it say?
"What did the bush say?
"Let's live our lives by what the bush said, ya stupid fuckin' cunts."
I mean, I think back to priests when I was a wee boy,
they had a sort of Asperger's quality to them.
You never met a witty priest. "I was doing an exorcism,
"I was telling the devil to come out of the boy
"and the devil made the very good point
"that as a priest I'd probably been inside more children than he had.
"Touche, Satan."
Do you remember that show Knight Rider?
We started thinking his car wasn't talking to him,
he was just quite seriously mentally ill.
'Knight Rider, a shadowy flight
'into the dangerous world of a man whose mind has turned to shit.'
(HUMS KNIGHT RIDER THEME TUNE)
Windows, Kitt.
'Certainly, Michael.'
Windows up, Kitt.
Time to ask the old business guy what this week's mission is.
Old business guy! You got a mission for me?
Michael! Your mother and I are very worried about you.
Are you taking your medication?
We would really like our car back, Michael.
'I don't think it's a good idea to take your medication, Michael,
'I think the Taliban have put something in them
'that givesyou multiple sclerosis.'
Thanks for the warning, Kitt!
Take her up to 110.
'Certainly, Michael.
'Don't you think you should sit in the driver's seat?'
WHEELS SCREECH
CRASH
'My sensors tellme
'there are two men round the corner smoking crack, Michael.
CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS 'Michael?
'My sensors tell me there are now three people smoking crack.
'Oh, Michael.'
Look! It's evil Knight Rider!
'No, that's just our reflection in the window, Michael.'
OK.
What was that, Kitt?
'I didn't say anything, Michael, I think my voice must sound similar
'to that woman you have tied up in the trunk.
THUMPING (SINGS KNIGHT RIDER THEME TUNE)
'Have you managed to infiltrate the drugs gang, Michael?'
Infiltrate? I couldn't even get into the fucking restaurant.
Is there anything here I could use to make shoes?
Fucking evil Knight Rider, stealing all the shoemaking shit!
Hi.
'Michael?'
Excuse me, it's my car.
What is it, Kitt?
'The Calamari looks good, Michael.'
Thanks, Kitt.
Have you got the drugs?
Yes, I have. Right here.
6,000 little red pills
and any minute now we should find out exactly what they are.
You could try torturing me if you like,
I've been trying it myself for the last half hour
and I haven't felt a thing.
They must be working because I feel like I'm smiling!
Kitt!
You've been stolen.
'Don't worry, Michael, I've just changed to that car over there.
'I'm being driven by an enemy agent
'disguised as a pregnant woman.'
Don't worry, Kitt.
I'll get her.
'Send a message, Michael, one in each tit.'
Great to have you back, Kitt!
'Thanks, Michael!'
Who was that?
'Oh, I'm the engine or some shit.'
'Turbo boost, Michael!'
Yes, Kitt, turbo boost!
(DREAMILY SINGS KNIGHT RIDER THEME)
Windows, Kitt, windows, Kitt!
Windows, Kitt!
Bleurgh!
'As they try to create a show which will appeal
'to all demographics without giving offence,
'the BBC have launched their new soap
'where viewers will have to force their own meanings on to a show
'where actors with blanked out faces and paper suits
'act out ambiguous plots.'
I've got that "thing" you've asked for.
Adjective, adjective, verb.
Well, you both know what I'm going to say about that.
I am laughing at that comment.
I am laughing.
I am also laughing.
(ROBOTIC VOICE): Music.
Music.
BIG BAND PLAYS GLITZY THEME TUNE
To lighten things up a bit, a wee jokey joke.
Everyone likes a wee jokey joke, don't they? Here we go.
When I was a wee boy, I had a dream that I was eating
a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up I was being sexually abused.
What do Japanese people call their Jap's Eye?
My eye?
Britain's been complicit in torture.
I've never understood why Al-Qaeda don't just
employ sado-masochistic perverts.
"We, eh, we tried pulling his finger nails out sir, but he came!"
"Have you tried the ball clamp on him?"
"Yeah, he brought his own!"
Scaremongering. We are we supposed to be scared of the pants bomber,
supposed to be scared of that guy,
tried to set off a bomb in his pants.
I wish he'd done it just so I could know that he was
up in heaven with 72 virgins but had blown his cock off!
He should have done it on Ryanair, everyone would have been delighted
to get blown up, and actually land closer to their fuckin' destination.
Ryanair have a thing now where they're going to charge people
80 for a suitcase, and 1 to use the toilet.
I've got a solution, buy your suitcase
its on sale on the plane for a fiver, and then take a shit in it!
Do you have a friend you could trust no matter what?
You could win 10,000 if you've got a friend you could convince
to hide you after telling them you've killed a kid!
Something happened, Joe, I just, eh...
I just ended up killing, eh, little Davie next door,
you know, the kid next door.
I ended up fuckin' killing him, I think I...
what I want you to do, is you've got to hide me, man!
Get lost! Get your fuckin' hands off me!
Get out!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Welcome back, and joining me in the studio
is Actor 2 from Untitled Street.
Actor 2, thanks for coming in.
And how does it feel to be in Britain's number one soap?
And is it true you've developed a cocaine problem?
Fuck yeah!
George Michael's Highway Code.
Mirror.
Signal.
Wank.
Sleep.
Crash.
Wank.
When reaching the roundabout, follow road markings
and unless directed otherwise,
give priority to traffic approaching from your right.
Jeremy Kyle, that gets me, man.
They round up the audience for that show by firing tranquilliser darts into Farmfoods.
It's always scumbags, isn't it? there's never an episode called
"I wanted to go to Tuscany, you swine!"
I'd like to see him come back wi' the DNA test results and go,
"I've got your DNA test results here, you're not actually human.
"Turns out you're a rare breed of fuckin' cabbage."
TV, man, how low is it gonnae sink?
I fully expect to switch on the telly in a couple o' years,
see someone going, "My name's John Leslie, this is a Viking longship,
"and you're watching The Story of Rape."
They have product placements in ITV now. I think they should
blackmail companies by threatening to do negative product placements.
"Sarge, we caught a paedophile."
"Really, what was he doing?"
"Eating Walkers Crisps."
I saw a show the other night,
they're cutting open these giant animals. They were...
"Oh, look at this giraffe, it has an incredible number of neck vertebrae."
Of course it's got an incredible number of neck vertebrae, it's a fuckin' giraffe!
What are you expecting to find inside it, a horse with a periscope?
THUNDER
You still got a sore penis, boss?
What are you talking about, John?
When you pee-pee. Is your bell-end still sore, boss?
Yes, John.
How did you know?
C'mere, boss.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
What are you doing, John?!
Shhh, boss.
What did you do?
I fucked you, boss. I fucked the bad out of you.
PEEING
It's a miracle. Feels much better.
Asshole's kinda sore, though.
Who is this? What do you want?!
Can you fix her, John?
I can, boss.
I got a swinging erection right now.
What is he going to do to her?
What is this?
I's gon' fuck her, is all. I's gon' put my dick in her.
In my wife?!
In me?
Let him, Chief. Please.
Let him mount her.
I'm scared!
Oh, Jesus!
How long will this take?
Just a couple of hours.
She's lookin' better!
No! No.
I'm not better yet.
I still feel a bit sickly... Oooh.
I's a keep going.
Yeah, keep going!
Don't stop! Don't you stop!
Are you sure you want this, John? I could let you go.
See how far you can run.
No, boss.
I's tired.
I's tired of fuckin' everybody.
I can't do this, John.
Kill him twice!
He could have saved my little boy, but he refused to fuck him!
You're gonna fry, boy!
I's sorry.
I couldn't get it up.
I told you to put some perfume on him or somethin'.
I had me a dream last night.
You was in it. And Warden Jack. And the Chief.
And I was fuckin' all of y'all.
We had us a big train goin'. We was all fuckin' each other.
No, boss.
Please don't put my dick in the dark.
Electricity will now be passed through your body
until you are dead.
May God have mercy on your soul.
You have to say it, Tom.
Roll on two.
Oh, I fucking hate this show. Is he even dead yet?
Shoot him.
Emergency stop.
What is the meaning behind the bewitching smile from the famous
painting that is tonight's particular episode.
It is pick an actor from
the movie Brokeback Mountain that you wanna fuck and stick with it,
be it the rambunctious nature of Jake or the stoic poise of Heath.
Whatever floats your boat.
Now, which is it...
Heath or Jake?
Now, on the count of three, I want everybody at home
to make their choice.
One, two, three!
Well, the overwhelming vibe I'm getting is for Heath.
I of course would've pick the woman who played Jake's wife, you fags.
I didn't say you had to pick Heath or Jake.
I just said you had to pick an actor from the movie and suggested two of 'em.
It was you who unconsciously knew this, and still opted for the gay choice anyway.
Apart from those of you who are watching this who are actually
homosexual. I'm sorry your Sky box fucked up recording Glee, boys.
But the rest of you fist-fucking Heath pickers?
I'm sorry this is the way you had to find out about your love of come,
and I suspect that many of you will mistakenly vent your anger toward me.
Well, bring it on.
And if you want to take two minutes out of your confused life next week,
I'll meet you down in Hampstead Heath in the toilet cubicle with
all the disco music coming out of it.
And I'd suggest you bring your life partner to the Heath, cuz I'm going to show you heavy, fatherfucker.
Did you see that guy that died in the luge in the Winter Olympics?
Bit of a silver lining, he's coming back next year to compete in the skeleton bobsleigh.
Did you watch Wimbledon? Did you watch the wheelchair tennis?
They're fuckin' brilliant at tennis, it's really compelling,
but why during the break do they make them go over to the side?
They're already sitting down.
How much of a rest do they need, the fuckin' lazy bastards?!
I always like the grunting in the tennis, putting each other off wi' the gruntin'.
They should bring that in to the snooker.
UGHHH!
John Parrott, 12.
It's good that the lady tennis players grunt, feel weird if it was me sat at home on my own doing it.
They're always arguing about the ball going out, aren't they?
What they should do is take up all the grass at the side of the court,
everything outside the lines should get replaced with Velcro
so when the ball goes out, it just fuckin' sticks,
and every so often Venus Williams falls over
and spends 20 minutes having her muff cut free with scissors.
I like that scandal in the rugby. Did you see that guy that had the
blood capsule in his mouth, so he could pretend that he was injured?
I thought he should've hidden it up his arse and done it in the scrum.
"Oh, you dirty bastard!
"Send him off, ref!
"Yellow card, they fucked us!"
Goodbye, fatherfuckers!
Subtitles by Red bee Media Ltd