- Boo! - Aah!
That is not funny.
You don't sneak up on someone and startle them.
First of all, it's very funny.
Secondly, I only did it to prove a point.
And you called it. He does scream like a woman.
I do not scream like a woman. It was a manly, throaty wail.
Frasier, you may wanna call security.
As I got off the elevator, I heard a woman screaming hysterically.
That was me.
I was innocently conducting some Brahms
and our madcap father decided to startle me.
Oh, quit whining. I used to scare you kids all the time
when we went camping. You used to loved it.
Remember the story about the couple making out in the car
who got slashed by the killer with the hook?
Yes. I remember I couldn't kiss a woman in a car until I was 30.
Well, your father doesn't have that problem,
Mr. Reclining-Bucket-Seats.
You want me to scream again?
Dad, when'd you get the new cane?
Oh! Ronee got it for me.
Yeah, he's too young for that old-man cane.
This is much more his style.
Give me a top hat and I'm Fred Astaire.
Add a monocle and you're Mr. Peanut.
- Hey, Frasier. Coulrophobia? FRASIER: Oh, yes.
- I have a patient who suffers from it. - What is it?
It's a very rare disorder, a crippling fear of clowns.
I'm treating a nurse who's terrified every time one comes to visit
the children at her hospital. It's almost cost her job.
- Poor thing. - We're making great progress.
I have ground-breaking techniques I've devised.
I think we're close to a cure.
- Really? FRASIER: Ha, ha. Yes.
I wouldn't be surprised if this may turn out to be
my "clowning" achievement.
- That sounded better in your head? - Vastly, yes.
Well, I don't blame her for hating clowns.
They're weird and creepy.
That was one of the reasons I never took you kids to the circus.
Which I always resented.
You know how much I wanted to be a trapeze artist.
I even decorated a unitard in the style of the Flying Wallendas
to wear when we visited the big top.
That was the other reason.
- Well, I'll go check on dinner. - I'll have to make this an early evening.
I'm leaving in the morning to visit my mother.
You know, she moved last year to Spokane.
I remember your mom.
She used to chaperone our dances, right?
Oh, yeah. She also taught Sunday school
and led the church choir.
Must have been a very windy day when the apple fell from that tree.
FRASIER: You're doing fine, Mimi. There's nothing to be afraid of.
- Right. - Just a tiny, inanimate piece of plastic
that couldn't possibly hurt you.
I know.
You're doing great.
I feel good.
MIMI: Ooh. - Much better.
- Really? - Yes, yes.
You're still in the room. You didn't throw up. Ha, ha.
That's a big improvement. All right, now, give me your hand.
Here's the tiny little hat.
Tiny little hat, right.
And the big red nose.
The big red nose.
Now, Mimi, is there anything you'd like to say to our little clown friend?
- Please don't kill me. - No.
No, Mimi.
Oh, I mean, uh, you're my friend and I like you.
- Excellent, Mimi. - Ha, ha.
All right, then.
Now, tomorrow, we will take our biggest step yet.
- No, I really don't think that I'm rea... - No, no, you are ready. You are.
In the safety of this environment,
you will watch me transform myself into a real, live clown.
I will apply the makeup
and then I'll put on the clown suit
and the big funny shoes.
And time permitting, I will make animal balloons.
And you really think that'll work?
As long as you don't ask for anything too complicated, like a giraffe.
Well, our time is up. Um...
All right, then, Mimi, I will see you tomorrow.
And rest assured, I will talk you through every step of the way.
There's nothing to be afraid of. There will be no surprises.
I'm so, so sorry.
Here. Here, there he goes. All right, I will see you later then.
All right. Aah!
Oh, again, I'm so sorry. Little fellow really is full of mischief, isn't he?
- You mean, you're not controlling it? - Yes.
Yes, of course I am.
Anyway, I will, uh, see you tomorrow.
- Yeah. - Double session.
MARTINI Boo! - Aah!
What is the matter with you?
Why do you keep standing in empty rooms
with your back to the door? I'm only human.
Oh, I wish Ronee could've seen that one.
I'm glad your girlfriend's making you feel young.
You're acting like an adolescent.
Irresponsible adolescent.
- What, mimicking me now? - Mimicking me now.
Stop it. Did you specifically come down here to torture me?
No, I'm picking up Niles for a movie
but he's still got someone in his office.
Yes, as do I, unfortunately.
- Now off you go. - Oh...
When did you forget how to have fun?
You've turned into such a fuddy-duddy.
Well, forgive me if I prefer humour of a more elevated level.
I might enjoy one of your little japes one day,
if you could come up with something with a bit more wit and sophistication.
Hello?
Yes, well, I'm afraid my calendar's rather booked right now.
Well, all right, I suppose I could try to squeeze you in somewhere. Uh...
Yes, uh, and your last name, please?
"Rection." That's unusual.
And your first name?
That's not funny either, Dad.
- Oh, hello, Roz. - Hi.
- Ah, thanks for bring that over. - No problem.
I'm warning you, that clown makeup is a bitch to get off.
I wore it for Alice's birthday party
and for a whole week afterwards, I looked like a kabuki hooker.
That was around the time of the Seabee Awards ceremony.
I remember. You looked rather comically made up that night.
I'd gotten it off by then.
Yoo-hoo, Frasier. Don't be afraid. I'm coming in the door.
Very funny, Dad. Roz, do you think it's funny
when someone sneaks up behind you and jolts you out of your skin?
Let me guess.
Somebody screamed like a woman.
FRASIER: All right. Good night, Roz. ROZ: Bye.
Thought you were having dinner with Niles.
MARTIN: Cancelled. Something else came up.
I'm just gonna watch the game in my room.
- Oh. - But don't worry,
if I come out for a beer, I'll call ahead.
Wouldn't want you to think there was an intruder in the house.
It's about ten years too late for that.
Dad, I'm gonna go out for a while.
- See you later. MARTIN: All right, see you.
Oh, you're right, Dad. That's hilarious.
Not such a fuddy-duddy now, am I?
Oh, that's quite a comeback, Dad.
A heart attack. Come on. Get up.
Dad?
Dad, you can get up now.
Dad.
- Frasier. FRASIER: Niles.
- How's Dad? - Well, he's resting. He's stable.
- His colour is good. - Thank God. Can I see him?
They're running some tests. The doctor should be out in a minute.
How did this happen?
Well, there's so many factors in a case like this, Niles. Uh...
It's impossible to, uh... To pinpoint any one cause in particular.
- Why are you dressed like that? - Hmm?
Well, um...
Oh, all right. You remember my patient with the clown phobia?
Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry.
Oh, Niles, I feel just terrible.
NILES: Oh, this... Frasier, you feel terrible?
I was supposed to have dinner with him and I cancelled.
I would have been there when it happened.
But no, I had to try out those new bath emollients.
Well, there's no point in trying to assign blame
at a time like this, Niles.
Uh, we must remember that. Uh...
You probably saved his life.
Our father had a heart attack. This man saved his life.
I'm sure you would've done the same thing if you were in my shoes, Niles.
Well, not these shoes, of course. Ha, ha.
- Hey. - Oh, Roz, hi.
- Your clothes. - Thank you.
- How's your dad? - Well, he's fine now,
thanks to Frasier's grace under pressure.
You know, they say the first few minutes are critical.
- Did you give him an aspirin? - Uh, yes, I... I did.
He's been taking care of his dad for ten years.
God bless him. What a good son.
Uh, excuse me, Dr. Crane, I have to verify the paramedic's report.
"Around 7:00 this evening,
you pretended to leave your apartment."
Yes, that's right. It's all there. Off you go.
"Then you dressed up like a clown"
and lured your father into the living room
where you leapt out waving a meat cleaver,
"causing him to collapse."
You scared him on purpose?
It was a joke.
You know how much he hates clowns.
- Well, I... - My father hates clowns.
Yes, well, it was only meant as a playful little jolt.
Well, why didn't you just throw a toaster in his tub?
- Dr. Crane? FRASIER: Oh, yes.
Your father's doing well. He appears to have suffered a mild cardiac event.
- And what does that mean exactly? - Basically, it's a warning.
He'll need to change his diet, start exercising.
He should be able to go home tomorrow.
What a relief. He's gonna be okay.
No thanks to you.
NILES: I mean, look at you.
You stand there with a smile on your face.
That's makeup, you idiot.
May I remind you all that this was an accident?
It was meant as a harmless amusement.
I will not stand here and be demonised for this.
I am not a monster!
FRASIER: Okay, Dad, now just take it easy.
- I'm fine. FRASIER: All right.
Hey, there's my guy.
Daddy's home from the little vacation your brother, Frasier, sent me on.
All right, Dad.
Daphne's on her way over to join us
- for a nice, heart-smart dinner. FRASIER: Right.
Oh, and, Dad, you really should take a look at this list
the hospital sent home with us. Now,
the foods that have a little picture
of a smiling heart next to them are good for you.
Yeah, I cracked that code already.
Frasier, I wish you'd stop coddling me.
You're sorry and you didn't mean to give me a heart attack.
Not a heart attack, Dad. A cardiac event.
And, you know, maybe we can look on this as a sign
that you should begin a healthier lifestyle.
Perhaps one day, we'll look back on this and you'll thank me for it.
NILES: Oh, yes.
Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier like:
Now that I'm old and looking back I thank you for my heart attack.
Cardiac event.
Give me this, will you?
No, Dad, here, I'll take this in your room for you.
Uh, why don't you just go sit down and rest?
Hey, were you able to reach Ronee at her mom's?
- Nope. - Well, here, you can try now.
No, because I'm not telling her.
- What? - She doesn't need to know
every little thing that goes on in my life.
Dad, you had a heart attack.
A cardiac event.
And it's over.
- Dad? - It's over.
Dad, are you afraid she'll see you differently?
Well, you see me differently.
"Let me have that suitcase, Dad. Just sit down and rest."
I don't need her thinking of me as some feeble old guy.
Do you wanna keep such an enormous secret from her?
Well, not forever. You and Niles can tell her after I'm dead.
Oh, that'll be Daphne.
She's not cooking, is she? I just got out of the hospital.
FRASIER: Ronee. - Surprise, boys, and start pouring.
- How you doing, sweetie? MARTIN: Oh. Hey.
- Thought you were at your mother's. - You know, I cut it short.
It was just too depressing.
Ever since her operation, she just sits around like she's 100.
RONEE: Nice flowers.
"Get well soon"?
Oh, I got those for Frasier.
He has a little man problem.
Flares up every once in a while.
Frasier has a man problem.
Shut up, you nit.
Hey, thank God for antibiotics, huh?
I'll be back. Then you wanna go out and get some ribs?
MARTIN: Ooh, ribs sound great.
I'm not telling her. You heard what she said about her mother.
NILES: You're not gonna be able to keep this from her.
MARTIN: Watch me.
How are you gonna explain that you can't eat ribs?
Or the new medication that you're on? Or the fact that you can't have sex?
- Who says? - It's on the list.
What little picture is next to that one?
Dad?
Listen, uh,
if she's not able to handle something like this,
isn't it better if you know now?
Okay, Marty, let's go pig out.
Niles, help me put this stuff away, will you?
Good seeing you again, Ronee.
Yeah, you too. I'm glad you're feeling better.
- Sorry? - You know, your man problem.
FRASIER: Keep laughing, you're gonna have a man problem.
You know, I'm not that hungry right now.
- Do you mind if we just sit for a while? - No, no, that's fine.
- You want me to go get you a beer? - No, thanks.
So, uh,
good weather over there in Spokane?
Oh, God, it rained the entire time.
I basically just sat there and made boring small talk with my mother.
- God, I hate small talk. - Oh, tell me.
Rained here some too.
NILES: I don't know.
I just hope it doesn't scare her off.
Maybe she'll surprise us.
Does Ronee ever spend the night here?
- Yeah, on occasion. - Good.
There's underwear in this drawer
I was really hoping didn't belong to Dad.
Oh, look at this.
Dad was right.
We're camping and we're having fun. Look how happy we are.
No, the car is packed. We're leaving.
God, what pains we were.
Didn't wanna get our hands dirty. Didn't wanna go fishing.
Didn't wanna sleep on the ground.
But he kept taking us, year after year,
- so he could spend time with us. - Yeah.
And frighten us to death with stories of hook-armed slashers.
You know, no matter how frightened I got,
as soon as Dad started laughing again, I knew that everything was safe.
See, I'm not ready to lose him, Niles.
Oh. Me neither.
And I... I don't want my child to miss knowing him.
Who else is gonna teach him how to catch a football ball?
You know,
11 years ago when he moved in here,
I couldn't imagine a bigger infringement on my life.
Now,
I can't imagine my life without him.
It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair
and know that Dad wasn't here anymore.
Oh, I'd get rid of that chair immediately.
So you made it from Spokane on one tank? Wow.
Yeah, that was really one for the books.
- Okay, Marty, what's going on? - What?
You have something on your mind that you're not telling me.
No, I don't.
Well, it's just...
Boy, this is hard.
I'm just nervous about what you're gonna say.
- Marty, just... - Yesterday, I had a mild,
very mild cardiac event.
A what?
I had a little heart attack.
And that's it?
What do you mean, that's it? I had a heart attack, for God's sake.
Well, no surgery. Home the next day. That's a bee sting.
- Did they use the paddles? - No.
Well, talk to me after they've used the paddles.
You had the paddles?
All right, let's just say I didn't have the best lipo guy, okay?
Well, I'm sorry that it's not dramatic enough for you.
Look, after all that buildup, I just thought it would be something bigger.
You know, like you were gonna break up with me
or pop the question or something.
And FYI, the next time you're in the hospital,
I would appreciate a phone call, if it's not too much trouble.
Fine. And FYI, I'm not breaking up with you.
- Well, I know that now. - If I was gonna do that other thing,
- it wouldn't be here. - What other thing?
- Pop the question. - Oh.
Be someplace romantic, for God's sake.
Uh, tablecloths.
- Nice. - Damn right it'd be nice.
- So? - So what?
- So, what would you have said? - You didn't ask me.
Well, so say I am now.
- What? - Asking you.
- Well, are you or aren't you? - I am.
- Well, okay, then. - Okay.
Okay, what?
Okay, I will.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay. - Okay.
Oh, maybe Dad's right.
I am getting stuck in my ways.
I like the way things are.
I don't want them to change.
Well, don't worry.
- He's not going anywhere for a while. - Heh.
Hey, guys. Guess what?
I'm getting married.
Well, come on, boys, give your old mom a kiss.
NILES: Oh.