(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf,
Its crew; Dave Lister, the last human alive;
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate;
and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat, Message ends,
Additional; on our journey back to Earth,
we have encountered many bizarre things,
Only last month, we came across a moon shaped like Felicity Kendal's bottom,
We flew around that one a couple of times,
OK.
Ri mmer, make this quick.
Sir, I wish to place on record that Lister, David...
- Quicker. -..smuggled aboard a consignment
of the hallucinogenic fungi Titan mushrooms,
more popularly known to the space beatnik community as "freaky fungus".
- Is this true? - Sort of.
..and on February 26th at 0800, engaged in conversation with Rimmer, Arnold.
- For crying out loud, Rimmer! - The outcome was a proposal
to cook the aforementioned Rimmer breakfast.
- OK, I'm getting the picture. -..comprising of two eggs, bacon,
two sausages, fried potatoes and a large quantity of mushrooms.
Having consumed this repast,
second technician Rimmer, Arnold J, experienced
what can only be described as a voyage to trip-out city.
To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
- Lister, is this true? - No, sir.
It was only one egg.
The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade.
He was totally naked, except for leather driving gloves
and blue swimming goggles.
Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast, he attacked two officers,
believing them to be giraffes and armed and dangerous.
- You'd better have a good reason. - I have, sir.
- Why? - I thought it'd be a laugh.
Right. Two weeks PD, Lister. Dismissed.
With respect, sir, the penalty for such a crime is 15 years' imprisonment.
- Thanks! - I said dismissed.
- Two weeks?! - That's enough.
- Two smegging weeks?! - I said that's enough!
With respect, sir, you've got your head up your fat arse.
Eight weeks PD! How come I get eight weeks and you get only two?
What did I do to deserve that?
- You stuck your pencil up his nose. - Only the rubber end.
You ate his wife's photograph.
I thought it was a still from Planet Of The Apes.
- Two teas. - (MAN) Excuse me.
Listen, man, I'm sorry about those mushrooms.
I didn't know. I'm not totally irresponsible.
I'm a pretty straight and honest geezer.
- Where'd you get them? - I nicked them from Headbanger Harris.
- Why didn't you tell the Captain? - And get someone into trouble?
Eight weeks painting the smegging ship?
- I'm sorry. - Get the spacesuits.
(RIMMER'S VOICE) Don't panic, Arnold. Stay absolutely calm.
I'm coming out, so stay cool. Are you ready? Here I come.
There. That wasn't too bad, was it? We found a stasis leak on floor 16.
I'm dead. You're not, but if I save you, you won't die, so neither will I.
- Good book? - It's all right.
- I didn't think you read. - Not much, but this is good.
- What is it? - Your diary.
What?!
You sent secret love letters to Carol McCauley?
Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary,
full of personal, private, personal things.
It's gone public.
- You've been reading it to the Cat? - Only the best bits!
"Carol McCauley, your eyes are like two limpid pools of loveliness."
- Shut up. - "Your hair, a golden waterfall."
- Shut up. - "Your short skirts make me horny."
I order you to shut your face.
- You can read my diary. - Who'd want to?
It's full of puerile nonsense about Kristine Kochanski.
Ah, so you've read my diary?
Yes, but at least I have the common decency to do it behind your back.
That IS the decent thing to do.
I'm doing it for a reason. Look what I found in Kochanski's quarters.
- So? - Look at it!
- It's a wedding photograph. - And who's the gorgeous hunk she's marrying?
It's you! You didn't marry Kochanski!
Exactly! So, how is this possible, unless somehow we go back in time?
- What's this got to do with my diary? - It's this bit about the mushrooms.
When you saw your head, it wasn't an hallucination.
I think you were seeing you now in the past.
There's a wise old Cat saying, which I think applies in this situation.
"What are you talking about, dog-breath?"
Listen. "The head came through the table
"and said, 'I'm from the future. We found a stasis leak on floor 16.'"
- It wasn't an hallucination. - What's a stasis leak?
All right, dudes, What's going down in groove town?
Hol, what's a stasis leak?
Ooh, well, very, very basically,
putting it simply in layman 's terms,
a stasis leak is a leak, right? In stasis,
Hence the name "stasis leak",
- You don't know, do you? - No,
Let's go down to floor 16 and see what's there.
How come he never knows anything with an IQ of 6,000?
6,000's not much, It's the same as 12,000 car park attendants,
But you don't know anything.
I'm one of the most sophisticated computers ever devised by man,
- I'm next to infullible, - Infallible.
Exactly,
(LISTER) Floor 16. (RIMMER) This'll take ages.
Welcome to Xpress Lifts' descent to floor 16,
We'll be going down 2,567 floors,
and, for a small charge, you can enjoy the in-lift movie, Gone With The Wind,
If you look right and left, you will notice there are no exits,
In the highly unlikely event of the lift crashing, death is certain,
Under your seat, you will find a cassette
for recording your last will and testament,
and from above your head a bag will drop containing cyanide capsules,
This stuff freaks me out.
To take the cyanide capsule, simply break open, like so,
and place under the tongue,
(THUD)
Thank you for travelling Xpress Lifts,
We apologise for the delay,
You should apologise for the chicken!
First meal I 've had where the container tasted better than the food!
(HUMMING)
This must be the stasis leak.
OK. Here we go.
It's safe. Come through.
What IS it?
It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
- What IS it? - The stasis room freezes time,
so if it leaks, it must preserve what it's leaked into, like this room.
- What IS it? - It's a point in the universe
where laws of space and time don't apply.
- What IS it? - It's a hole into the past.
A magic door! Why didn't you say?
It's March 2nd. That's three weeks before the crew got wiped out.
(ALL) Hi.
Do you mind? This is the annual general meeting of the Agoraphobic Society!
I wonder, can we bring anybody back?
Not unless we want them turned into powder.
- Who were you thinking of? - Me.
Let's do it!
What's the point in going, if you can't bring anybody back?
- You've seen the photo. I marry her. - But in three weeks, she'll be dust.
- You might as well marry a box of Daz. - I'm staying with her.
Staying with her? For the sake of three weeks, you're giving up your life?
- Yeah. - I don't believe it.
- Mr Selfish or what? - Eh?
What about me? I've given you the best years of my death!
Is that it, then? Three years. "Thanks, pal. I'm off"!
No regrets? Not so much as a lump in your throat?
No, it's Kochanski. The only lump you've got is down your trousers.
I'm going for it, Rimmer.
You don't get many shots at happiness, so go for them all.
I'm sharing a bunk with a Barbara Cartland character.
- What would you do? - I don't know, I... Do what you like.
- Rimmer, you don't even like me. - Don't I? Fine.
- You don't, though. - That's what you think?
I will tell you something that'll stun you.
- What? - You're right. I don't like you.
I don't like what you stand for, but for some weird reason...
I don't know. What's the point? Everything always goes wrong for me.
I'm the only person in the world to buy a Topic bar without one hazelnut in it.
It happens, you know, Rimmer. You meet people, then you move on.
When I was ten, I had a friend called Duncan.
My best mate. Taught me everything,
Iike how to put mirrors on me toecaps to look up girls' skirts.
His dad had to move to Spain because of a job...
a bank job he pulled in Purley. Never saw him again.
I think of him every time I look at me shoes.
Don't try and explain it, Lister.
I don't know why I'm even surprised.
Everyone always leaves me in the end.
Girls, parents...
I had a pet lemming once.
I loved that little lemming.
I built him a little wall, so he could hurl himself off it.
He didn't want for anything.
One Christmas, I put my finger in his cage with some mince pie.
He bit me! He sunk his teeth into my fingers and wouldn't let go.
In the end, I had to smash his brains out against the wall.
That little lemming broke my heart.
The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper.
Maybe there is a way to bring people back from the past.
- Oh, how? - Well, there's a spare stasis booth.
We could bring one person back if they went into suspended animation.
- They'd survive the accident. - Yeah.
Then we could bring them out, and bingo!
Brilliant! I could save my own life!
- I could bring her back. - I could bring me back.
There'd be a dead me and a living me, one for the week and one for Sunday best.
Hey! There's only room for one - Krissie!
Rimmsie!
Aow! Don't look, baby. It'll drive you crazy!
What do you think? You said look inconspicuous.
Put this on. You'll stand out a mile like that.
- I wouldn't use this on my shoes. - You look like you're on Come Jiving.
- I'll look like an ordinary person! - That's the point.
People won't say, "Who's he? He's gorgeous!"
- Put it on. - Oh...
Well, maybe if I widen the lapels, put in some vents...
- Put it on! - Where's Alphabet-Head?
Rimmer? He sneaked off last night.
He's already back in the past, trying to save his own worthless hide.
You reading me, Hol?
- I can see right down your gob, - Let's go.
I don't like being a watch, dangling upside down,
And warn me before you put your hand in your pocket,
Gave me a fright, that sweet covered in fluff,
- Cheers, Hol. - Here we go again,
Put that on!
(BOTH SI NGI NG MERRI LY)
Shh! Here it is, man. Just stick with me, OK?
Um... Did you order a kiss-o-gram?
Excuse me, did a short human with pigtails come through here?
(LISTER) Yo, Cat!
Don't worry. It's personality that counts.
Felicitations, beautiful ladies.
Back from planet leave? Let me take those cases.
My name is Olaf Petersen. I am good in bed.
It's always an honour to carry the luggages of such beautiful ladies.
- Petersen! - Oh, hi.
Petersen! How are you? I don't believe it! It's you!
I've missed you. Give us a kiss, you smegger.
He's just a friend!
- I don't believe it! - He hasn't seen me since breakfast!
- I'll see you later! - Sure.
- I'll come to your room! - Lister, you're dead!
That was Petersen, an old mate of mine. We were like that.
Just think, I'm gonna be able to see everybody again.
Give us a break, It's like a tropical rainforest,
- Sorry, Hol. - Wow!
I've never been this close to women before!
I don't know what it is, but I want to do it a lot!
(LISTER) I wonder what Rimmer's doing.
(RIMMER)..I thought it was a still from Planet Of The Apes.
- (LISTER) Two teas. - Excuse me.
(LISTER) Listen, man, I'm sorry about those mushrooms.
I didn't know. I'm not totally irresponsible.
- Why didn't you tell the Captain? - And get someone into trouble?
Eight weeks painting the smegging ship?
- I'm sorry. - Get the spacesuits.
(RIMMER'S VOICE) Don't panic, Arnold. Stay absolutely calm.
I'm coming out, so stay cool. Are you ready? Here I come.
We found a stasis leak on floor 16.
I'm dead. You're not, but if I save you, you won't die, so neither will I.
- I know what you are. - You do?
- You're a mushroom, aren't you? - A what?
- An hallucination. Go away. - No, I'm you from the future.
- In three million years, you're dead. - Am I really?
- Yes, unless you do something now. - What do you suggest? More roughage?
You're not listening! You must go into stasis.
- Go away! - I'll be back soon.
Stay calm. It's gone now.
Rimmer.
Now you've turned into a chicken!
I just want to apologise. We both got a little carried away.
- I've been under a lot of pressure. - Go away.
I shouldn't have given you PD. I just got a little riled.
Did you indeed? How sad, Captain Paxo.
What? Oh, oh, this. No, I... This is for the party tonight.
Half man, half chicken...
You don't scare me. I know what you are.
(CLUCKS)
OWRGHHH!
Now cluck off before I extract your giblets
and shove an onion between the lips you never kiss with.
Forget everything I've just said! You have got eight months PD!
Well, we have a problem. I don't take orders from poultry.
No, Rimmer, make that eight years!
Fine. I'll make a note of it.
Eight...years... There we go.
- Is Kristine in? - No, she's on planet leave.
Oh, smeg. Where's she staying?
- The Ganymede Holiday Inn. - Cheers.
(LISTER)..A-N-S-K-I. Kochanski. Look...
(SUITCASE) Excuse me, No, down here,
Have you seen a man who's lost his luggage?
- No. - Oh, no,
I bet he's gone to the wrong airport again,
Ah! Dog!
And he's trying to strangle that woman!
Don't worry, madam. His strangling days are over!
Cat, I've got it. 008. This way! Why are you attacking people's clothing?
Aow! Yeah!
She's already married.
What about the photograph?
I'm not the groom. He's the groom!
(CAT) She's not as stupid as we thought!
Why do women always leave me for total smegheads?
Why do they dump me for men who wear turtlenecks and smoke pipes?
I mean, natural yoghurt eaters.
Reliable, sensible, dependable, and lots of other words that end in "ible."
I bet he's obsessed with house prices
and spends life in antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine.
It's never beer, is it? It's always wine.
"What do you want on your cornflakes?" "I'll have wine, please!"
Smeg!
You can tell all that just from a photograph?
(HOLLY) Oi, not your pockets,
It's horrible down there, There's a big hole, It's an unbelievable view,
Reminds me of that film, Attack Of The Killer Gooseberries,
Come on, Hol. I 'm broken up.
I was in love once,,,a Sinclair ZX-*1,
People said, "Holly, she's not for you, "
She was cheap, stupid and wouldn 't load, Not for me, anyway,
- What are you tryi ng to say, Hol? - It's better to have loved and lost
than to listen to Olivia Newton-John,
- Why's that? - Anything's better than that,
- Hi. It's you. - Hi.
- Come in. - No, we were just passing.
- Come in. - No, it's OK.
Cat! Come on, We've got to go!
(CAT) Aow!
- I just got married. - Oh, great.
- He's in the shower. You'll like him. - Oh, I bet.
- Do you want a screwdriver? - I'd rather have a hammer.
How you doin', kid?
What is this? An ugly convention?
- Where did you come from? - The bathroom.
- You don't look pleased to see me. - Frankly, I'm not.
I thought I was getting married.
- (KOCHANSKI) You did. - HE did.
- He's you. - No, I'm me. He's him.
If he's you and you're him and he's him...am I still me?
Who's eatin' this chicken?
- What the hell is going on? - Look... Listen...
In five years, you find a way to come back in time.
- So, it does work out? - Eventually.
How about a frenchie from me future bride?
No way. On your space-bike.
So, listen... What do I do now?
- Go back and wait for five years. - Have I always been such a smeghead?
- You've always been like that. - So, you've lived the last five years.
What's the single most important piece of advice that you can give me?
Erm... Oh, yeah.
Three years from now, you'll enter a parallel universe.
You'll materialise on an exact replica of Earth in the year 1989.
You'll want to go to the theatre. Don't see Run For Your Wife.
(LAUGHS)
- Smeghead. - And you.
We've pumped your stomach, we've changed your blood. Get some rest.
So, they won't come back again?
Just stay calm, keep cool and get some sleep.
There he is. Sleeping like a baby. I'm going to kill him.
If you need anything, call Holly.
(RIMMER'S VOICE) Don't panic, Arnold,
but I've had a think, and I think I can explain this to you.
(RIMMER) Hi.
- Hi. I'm staying calm this time. - Good.
There you are. I've been looking everywhere.
- Not now, Lister. - TWO Listers!
And a strange man with large teeth!
- Hey, I'm a cat. - Of course! Come in! Sit down!
- Yo! - Three Listers! Splendid!
Perhaps Lister here would go to the fridge
and open some wine for Lister and Lister?
Rimmer here doesn't drink, because he's dead,
but I wouldn't mind a glass.
Don't get into a flap, but I'm the Rimmer from the double-double future.
I'm the Rimmer who's with the Lister who married Kochanski.
From here on, things get a bit confusing...
(ALL CHATTER)
Please, before anyone says anything else, I'd like to make a little speech.
(SCREAMS) Go away!
♪ It's cold outside
♪ There's no kind of atmosphere
♪ I'm all alone, more or less
♪ Let me fly far away from here
♪ Fun, fun, fun
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
♪ I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice
♪ Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
♪ Fun, fun, fun
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
♪ Fun, fun, fun
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪