Previously on Desperate Housewives...
I... Can't believe i'm ending my marriage
You embezzled $10 million?
Danielle came back home.
On a hotel voice mail.
Lynette was afraid for her children...
This is very tacky.
Actually, now it's only about $9.5. It cost me half a mil
It feels like i've ruined their childhood.
You're forcing me to be tacky, Victor .
To hide it from the government and certain other people. Mm.
Katherine's past...
We know all about chicago.
I am not a tacky person. I am very, very classy.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Came back to haunt her.
Oh, good. We're in agreement. The fountain stays.
Oh! Hang on one second.
If this is Tanaka money, then you had it when we were married?
Edie made threats...
Hello? Hey, Carlos . Yeah, i can't talk right now.
Okay, i can sense where you're going with this.
If the i.r.s. Gets wind of your rainy day fund,
I'm breaking up with Victor .
Which also means you had it when we got divorced.
They could make me testify against you.
No, he's not here. He's in washington.
Look, if i had told you about it,
But evasive action was taken.
Yeah, okay, i'll explain later.
You'd have taken me to the cleaners. Carlos, we were married.
I want us to be together, too,
Sorry about that, Victor .
I was entitled to half of everything you embezzled.
But i also wanna feel good about it.
Uh, anyway, it's over.
Look, we're back together now. What does it Matt er?
And Gaby and Carlos ended their affair...
Uh, we both know it wasn't working.
Well, it Matt ers that you lied to me.
Too late.
Uh, good luck on everything,
I can't trust you.
Could you make it out to "cash"?
And you don't have to call me back.
Gaby! If i can't trust you, i don't think i can be with you.
As a little girl,
Okay, bye-bye.
Oh, come on!
Edie Britt was afraid of many things,
I was surprised that my doctor suggested genetic counseling.
No, i'm serious. After everything i have been through?
And all the little boys in her neighborhood knew this.
I didn't have to do that with my last baby.
No! No, get out!
So they would wait for her with rubber snakes
Well, you were 26 when you had your last child.
Gaby, you should be happy right now.
And croaking frogs...
Now you're--
I have millions of dollars, and i want you to be with me.
And plastic spiders,
Careful.
Oh, so you want me to s Lee p with you and take your money.
Hoping to make Edie scream.
Old enough to benefit
Gee, if that were a job, what would they call it?
From this particular branch of medicine.
Thanks, kid.
But once she was a big girl,
Nice save.
Bear claw?
Edie Britt was afraid of only one thing--
Now can we just skip to the part
Uh, no. Thank you, nick.
That her lover might leave her
Where you tell me what's wrong with my baby?
So, uh, Mike said you had some medical questions for me?
For someone else,
Well, we don't know if anything's wrong.
Um, yes, the, uh,
And Carlos Solis knew this.
See, we're just going over your family medical history
Genetic counselor, um, wanted to know a couple of things.
So when he decided to go, he tried to do it quickly...
Just--just to be on the safe side.
Um, i-is there any cancer in your family?
What the hell is this?
Okay. My aunt Ella has arthritis.
No.
Mostly to avoid her screaming.
I have two cousins with webbed feet,
Great.
It just hasn't been working for a long, long time.
And there's a whole lot of third nipples on my dad's side.
Uh, diabetes?
That's a lie. We were happy.
Apparently, i married into carny folk.
Wonderful.
Come on. Let's not argue.
Okay, Mike , what about your family?
Who did you kill?
I want us to end this as friends.
Everybody's pretty healthy.
Couldn't have covered this in the car?
I bet you do, given all i know about your finances.
Uh, my grandmother has epilepsy.
I thought she should hear it from you.
That's true. You know some of my secrets,
My father had high blood pressure,
I killed my boss.
But i'm betting you still care enough about me to keep them.
But he's on medication, so it's fine now.
Uh-huh. Okay.
All right.
What do you mean, "it's fine now"? He's dead.
He wasn't my boss when i met him.
I won't say anything to anyone
No, he's not. What makes you think that?
He was just another guy on the loading dock, like me.
About your money in the Grand Caymans
Cause that's what you told me when we first started dating.
A supervisor's job came up,
On one condition--
Oh. Well, i'm sorry if i gave you that impression.
And, uh, we were both angling for it.
You have to tell me the truth about why you're leaving.
It wasn't an impression.
And then arnie-- that was his name--
The truth?
You said those words-- "my father's dead."
He went to the head of the company
Is there someone else?
It's... Complicated.
And told him some lies about me,
No.
How can it be complicated? He's either dead or alive.
And he got the job.
Thank you, Carlos .
Does it sound complicated to you, Michelle ?
So you killed him?
You made this a lot easier.
Wow, i'm sorry. I-i've got an emergency plumbing call.
No. I stewed about it for a few weeks.
Yes, Edie Britt had been forced to face her worst fear,
I'm gonna have to do this later. Uh, don't wait up.
I'd see arnie walking around with that smirk,
And she now felt it was only fair...
Okay, so, um, Mike 's grandmother is epileptic?
And, uh, and that tie, and i thought to myself,
Yeah.
"you know, arnie, you don't deserve that job.
Um, i know a guy who's got millions
But apparently, his dad can rise from the dead.
"you don't deserve that tie,
In a offshore bank account.
So let's hope the baby gets that gene.
And you don't deserve to live."
Who would i talk to about that?
Hey. How'd the p.e.t. Scan go?
So you killed him?
That Carlos should face his.
She was a real trouper
No. I confronted him.
20 minutes inside that tube, she didn't complain once.
I said, "arnie, what you did wasn't right."
In a couple of days, we'll know if you beat this son of a bitch.
He just laughed in my face and said, uh,
Hey, dr. Rushton is very optimistic.
"what are you gonna do about it?"
Yes, it was that time of year.
Fantastic. He's the best.
Then i killed him.
Halloween had come once again to Wisteria Lane ,
Hey, what do you say i ditch work,
Uh, and how did you...
And no one was more determined to celebrate its arrival
And i take you to that... Thai place for lunch? Lynette?
With the tie. I thought it was a nice touch.
Than the gay couple who had just moved in.
Is that a hole? What?
Well, now you know.
So which of the neighbors should we invite first?
In the garden there. Has something been digging in there?
Hey, Adam , Katherine .
What does it Matt er? They all hate us?
Oh, it might be a possum. Ahem.
Or should i say frankenstein and... Marie antoinette?
Oh, Lee , that's not true. They hate you.
I-i saw one the other day.
Nice.
I'm the butch one they can feel comfortable around.
You saw a possum, and you didn't tell me?
You came as a self-important queen who lost all her power.
You keep telling yourself that. Let's start with Bree .
Didn't know it was front-page news.
Isn't that a bit on the nose?
She's got a gay son. I bet she's homo-friendly.
Well, we gotta do something about this.
Lee making jokes about a queen.
Why? My mother has one, and she's not.
And we will, so do you want to bring the kids,
Isn't that a bit ironic?
Or would you prefer
You two look adorable.
A, uh, gloriously romantic lunch with just me?
I can't eat right now, Tom .
And who are you supposed to be?
We're just dropping by to let you know
I've got to go to the garden center
Cher, the beloved pop diva.
We're having a halloween party. We'd love for you to come.
And get some fencing. God, this is annoying!
It was my mom's idea.
Oh, well, thank you. Orson and i would be delighted.
Can't believe you didn't tell me we have a possum!
You know, the woman who freaked when she found out i was gay?
Well, you can bring your whole family if you like.
Oh, you're, um, you're up.
Oh, my god. Is that Danielle ?
Is that your daughter?
I was just gonna try not to wake you.
I expressly forbade her from coming tonight.
Uh, no, my daughter is in switzerland,
Did you really think i was gonna let you crawl in bed next to me
Who does she think she is?
At boarding school.
Without an explanation for your bizarre behavior?
Apparently, you.
Who was that?
Well, what good's a dream
Danielle, you're back!
My son...
If it's not a little unrealistic?
I'm not Danielle .
Trying on his costume.
I don't care what the issues are.
I am Bree Van De Kamp Hodge .
He's going to be Cher this year.
You don't deny your own dad's existence.
Oh, no, no, no. No hugs, please.
Okay, he's definitely invited.
My father's in prison for murder.
I'm uncomfortable with needless displays of emotion.
How many times have i told you to stay away from the windows?
So can you see why i might have wanted to lie about him
Your costume looks great. It's so real.
I'm bored. You won't let me go outside.
On a first date?
Ooh! I could swear i felt a kick.
Can't i at least look? What's that?
Oh, my god.
You stop that, baby Hodge . We do not kick people,
Oh, we've been invited to Bob and Lee 's for halloween.
He's in jail for murder?
Unless they're servants.
A costume party. Cool. Can i go?
Yeah.
Why didn't you tell me she was home?
Are you insane?
He's doing life without parole.
Oh, it's just a quick visit. She's driving back Tom orrow.
It's halloween. I'll go as a pumpkin.
Do you see him? I mean, do you have a relationship with him?
To switzerland?
You are due in three weeks.
Uh, i visit a few times a year.
Let's go get some cake, dear.
Until then, no windows and no parties.
Well, i've got to meet him.
What do you think you're doing? Exactly what my mother wants.
So... This is gonna be fun.
No, i don't think that's such a good idea. Well, he's your father.
You did say to be more like you, right?
Will you help me with a costume?
I should know him, and besides, that genetic counselor
That's not what i meant, and you know it,
Sure!
Said we should gather data about your family's history.
And as for your little imitation of me,
How familiar are you with pop icons from the '70s?
Maybe you dad knows something you don't.
I don't sound anything like that.
Victor, it's me. I got your message.
I mean, i should meet him for the sake of our baby.
Danielle? Who are you supposed to be?
I've gotta be honest, i'm very annoyed
Well, yeah. Fine. We'll go see him.
Really, Karen , i don't think our lord is amused
That you're not coming home today like you promised.
Thank you.
When we make light of witchcraft,
I told you i have something very important to tell you,
Mom! We're gonna bake you a cake
And you might use a coaster.
And i wanted to do it in person,
When the doctor says your cancer's gone.
Oh, i get it. She's you.
But now you're gonna be home for another week,
Great. Here. Grab this.
I just don't see how he could not feel bad about it.
And i can't wait.
What's this stuff for?
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Victor, i'm leaving you.
You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?
You know, i expected to meet
Yeah, me and preston named him Scruffles .
A guy that was racked with remorse,
Don't give him a name. He's not gonna be around much longer.
And instead,
You're not gonna hurt him, are you?
I'm looking across the table at this...
Honey, i put up a fence, and he burrowed right under it.
Person. He's a person.
The man at the garden center said these are crafty creatures,
Yeah, an evil person.
And there's only one way to stop 'em.
No, he's a good guy who did an evil thing.
So you're gonna kill him?
There's a difference.
Sweetie, let me ask you something.
Well, i don't see one.
If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden
Look, he snapped. It happens. People snap. I did.
And a gross, mean, dirty possum,
I killed a guy.
What would you pick?
You killed a crooked cop who was coming after you.
Scruffles.
That's self-defense,
Okay, we're done talking here.
And even so, you regret it, right? Yes, of course.
You're sending me back to the convent?
Well, that's my point. When good people snap,
Well, you certainly don't seem happy here, and i thought
They feel bad about it. Your dad doesn't.
Maybe you were missing the nuns and the other girls.
Susan, why are you getting so worked up over this?
Oh, whoopee. Knocked-up sluts and celibate freaks.
I don't know. It just bothers me.
Start the party.
I mean... My god, Mike .
Whatever. I don't care. I just want this thing out of me.
He's your dad.
You know, Danielle , i just want you to be aware
Yeah, i know,
That giving up this baby might be harder than you think.
And this conversation is exactly why i told you he was dead.
Lynette!
Honey, are you out here?
It won't be a problem. Trust me.
Well, you say that now, but once you've held your child
And felt that rush of love, well...
It can change you.
Please. I hate this baby.
What has it done but make me fat
And ruin an entire year of my life?
I'm just saying, if i were you, i might be feeling--
Stop. Who says i have to feel the same things you'd feel?
I'm nothing like you.
You always say that like it's something to be proud of,
But the day i see even a glimmer of myself in you
Is the day that i realize
You've finally started... To grow up.
Well, don't hold your breath.
No, on second thought,
Do.
Hello, Gabrielle .
Milton... You scared me.
I thought you were in washington with Victor .
I was. I got to the messages first.
Oh. You can't leave him, Gabrielle .
Well, if he really wanted me to stay,
He would've come here himself, instead of siccing daddy on me.
Oh, Victor hasn't heard the message.
I erased it. Oh, great.
Now i have to break up with him all over again.
You know, there's a lot of talk
About Victor running for governor.
A divorce on the eve of a campaign could be...
Quite damaging.
And you flew all the way here to twist my arm?
No, i had something a little more subtle in mind.
Milton, there is no amount of money that is--wow!
Yeah. You start tacking on those zeros,
It gets hard to stop.
Hold on.
This check is dated for next year.
Exactly.
If you want this money, you're gonna have
To stay married to my son for the next 13 months.
And isn't there an election around that time?
My son is destined for greatness.
He will be governor.
He could be president.
And you're going to make sure
He goes straight to the top, aren't you?
Sometimes greatness needs a little nudge.
What do you mean, there's nothing there?
I'm sorry, ms. Britt.
I checked the number you gave me three times.
That offshore account simply doesn't exist.
Where is that $10 million?
What $10 million?
Give it a rest, Carlos . You moved that money.
First of all, i deny having any illegal money,
Let alone moving it.
Why are you talking like that?
I don't know. I thought you might be wearing a wire.
You're paranoid. You know that?
Well, don't i have reason to be?
And why would you care where the money is,
Unless you were planning on using it against me?
Oh, god. You think you are so clever. Well, you're not.
In fact, you--you are the stupidest man i've ever met.
You have no clue who you're dealing with,
But believe me, you're gonna pay
For what you've done to me, Carlos .
This game is not over.
Actually, it kinda is,
And if you hadn't noticed...
I won.
Bree.
Lynette, i was just thinking about you.
Did you get your test results yet?
Huh? Oh, the p.e.t. Scan. No, not till Tom orrow.
Listen, i need your help. There's a possum in my garden.
Ugh! I hate possums.
Not as much as me. I put out poison, but it ate around it.
I got one of those humane traps, but all i trapped was penny.
How can i help?
I want a gun.
Really?
I thought you were one of those liberal gun haters.
That was the old Lynette . The new Lynette
Kills the possums and lets god sort 'em out.
Well, unfortunately, our b Lee ding-heart town council
Forbids us from using live ammo in our own backyards.
Wusses!
I suggest you get an air rifle.
It won't kill it,
But it'll sting it enough to keep it away for good.
Perfect. Where can i get one?
Try, um, gun city on route 6 by the baptist church.
Tell them i sent ya,
And they'll give you a nice discount.
Great.
What's so urgent?
Can't say hello to a girl?
Gaby, we had a deal.
We weren't gonna see each other for six months.
Oh, uh, yeah, about that...
What if we make it 13?
Okay, no, just go with me on this.
What i'm about to propose will give us total financial freedom
And... Help a conniving billionaire's dream come true.
Whoa. What's this for?
Milton lang doesn't want me to leave Victor
Until after he runs for governor.
Once the election's over, ka-ching!
So basically, you're taking money
To s Lee p with a man you don't love.
Gee, if that were a job, what would you call it?
I don't have to s Lee p with him,
Just stay with him for political reasons.
It's basically a modeling fee for a 13-month photo op.
Absolutely not.
Carlos, you're not working right now,
And you know we'll never be happy if we're broke.
We need this.
What if we didn't?
What if i had some money stashed away?
Okay, remember a few years ago
When i was in business with Tanaka ?
I was always afraid that he was gonna double-cross me.
Which he did.
But before he did,
I skimmed a little off the top.
How much is "a little"?
$10 million.
Is that for the possum?
Yeah.
Now he's playing mind games with me,
But i laid out some halloween candy.
Pretty soon he'll get hungry, and when he does...
Trick or treat.
Lynette--
Shh! Do you hear that?
He's making his move.
Lynette, i think you should come inside
And lie down for a little while.
No way. He's here, Tom . I can tell.
Okay, now--now you're scaring me.
Why?
Look at yourself.
You've--you've declared jihad on a possum.
This is not a joke, Tom . Something has attacked our home,
And when that happens, you don't just stand by--you fight it.
Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited
And is trying to destroy us.
It will not defeat me.
Okay.
You do what you need to do.
Thank you.
So, Bree , have you, uh, picked a name for the baby yet?
Not yet, but i'm thinking
"you're not good enough" if it's a boy,
And "you'll always disappoint me" if it's a girl.
Okay, you made your point. Now go home.
Are you kidding me?
This is the most fun i've had in eight months.
Do not test me, young lady,
Or i will drag you out of here myself.
You make a scene? Ha! That's a laugh.
What's wrong?
I think my water just broke.
Oh, dear heavenly lord.
What happened to my rug?
Danielle!
We agreed to save that till the end of the night.
The best part of the costume,
And she pops the water balloon when people aren't even looking.
Orson! Andrew!
Think we can make it to the hospital?
I don't think so! It's coming.
Okay, everybody, in the house now.
Not on the couch. I just had it reupholstered.
Andrew, take your sister into the kitchen.
Get some towels. Boil some water.
Everything is gonna be fine. I'm a doctor.
You're a dentist! What if there are complications?
Should an emergency arise, we will simply call an amulet.
A what?
Ambulance.
How many rum punches did you have?
There was punch in that rum?
I am going back to get Adam .
Bree. Bree, what's wng?
I need your services as a doctor,
But before i tell you what's going on,
I need you to promise that what you're about to learn
Will be kept in strictest confidence. Does this have anything to do
With the pregnancy you've been faking?
Okay, you're almost there.
Danielle, you're doing great. Push, baby, push.
Are they home? The lights are on.
Here it comes!
If they're not home, then what's that?
Probably just a tape they put on to scare us.
Well, you know the rule.
If we don't get our treat, they get a trick. Yeah.
Come on.
And... Thank you.
Okay.
It's a beautiful baby boy.
How are you feeling?
Tired.
Did Adam leave?
Uh, yeah, and he promised
That no one would ever know what happened here tonight.
That's good, i guess.
Is he okay?
He's perfect.
He's, um, he's all cleaned up now,
If... If you want to hold him.
Yeah.
He's so tiny.
He looks just like you did.
Do you want to be alone with him?
Do you want me to...
To go?
What should i do?
You should take him.
Are you sure?
Sweetheart, do you feel like you're making a mistake?
No, it's...
The right thing to do for everyone...
Especially him.
But you're right.
It's awful.
I'm gonna s Lee p now.
Okay, baby.
It's okay, little one.
Here we are. Here we go.
Yes, here we go.
Susan, hey, it's me.
Um, sorry to leave this message on your machine,
But can you tell the other girls
I'm, uh, going to be by myself for a while?
I... Just...
Going through some stuff and need to think.
Um--oh, god, that's my car ready to take me to the airport,
So i'll tell you everything when i get back.
Okay? Love you. Bye.
This is nice.
I didn't order a stretch, but i'll take it.
Victor.
I tried reaching you at the house,
But the maid said you'd moved out.
I took the next flight home. What's going on?
Well, i'm... Sort of leaving you.
Well, i guess "sort of" is better than "definitely."
What do i have to do to make it "absolutely not"?
I'll do anything. Just tell me.
Victor, it's not that simple. We have major problems,
And you never have time to talk about them, let alone fix 'em.
Well, i guess i better make some time.
Let's see.
Here's this weekend.
Here's next week.
The week after. Look at that. I've got a whole month.
You busy?
Victor, i know you're only doing this
Because a divorce would hurt your run for governor.
What if i don't run?
You mean that?
The governor's mansion is my father's dream.
You know what my dream is?
You.
Don't run away, Gaby ...
And if you do, please, take me with you.
So... Where's Mike ?
At the motel. I slipped out without waking him.
I've been up all night thinking,
And i have something to say to you.
I don't believe you.
I don't believe that you could kill a man and not regret it.
Why do you care?
Because i am carrying a baby that has your genes.
If my doctor told me that there was
Something wrong with this baby-- something physical,
I could handle that.
I would probably even love it more.
But if my baby was born without a conscience, without a soul,
I don't know what i would do.
You think i don't have a soul?
If you can't feel the tiniest bit of remorse
Over taking a human life...
No, i don't think you do.
If i were to think about what i did,
Really think about it,
Lay awake nights
Trying to remember the look on that guy's face
When i strangled the life out of him...
Pretty soon, i'd go crazy.
I should go.
You know what i do regret?
What i did to Mike .
What did you do?
He was a real popular kid. Everybody liked Mike y.
Then when i got sent away,
Suddenly the whole town
Just thinks of him as the son of a murderer.
He got some pretty serious demons as a result.
I'm not sure that kind of darkness
Ever truly goes away.
Well, you're wrong.
He's happy.
He's got a good job and a wife who loves him
And a baby on the way.
I had a lot going for me, too, before i threw it all away.
Just...
Keep on eye on him.
Edie, if you're looking for Gaby ,
She just left for her yoga class.
Yoga... Is that what she told you?
I'm sorry.
I know how angry and humiliated you must feel.
But don't take it all out on Gaby .
Carlos seduced her.
He hated you for taking his wife,
So he decided to make a fool out of you.
I think he deserves whatever's coming to him, don't you?
Hey! Hey! Hey, quiet. She's napping.
Finally. How'd you get her to do that?
Oh, i-i made her a margarita. The tequila did the rest.
Hmm, it's dr. Rushton.
Her oncologist?
Hey, dr. Rushton.
What--what are you doing here?
Well... So much of my job is delivering bad news,
That i really wanted to tell you this in person.
Lynette, i got the test results back. You're clean.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Oh! Lymph nodes are completely clear. Congratulations.
I knew it. I knew it!
Did you hear that? Did you hear that?
This is so amazing. I'm gonna go get the kids.
Hey, doc, you look like you need a margarita.
And even if you don't, i ain't drinking alone.
I'm sorry.
There is much to be afraid of in this world,
But what we fear has nothing to do
With gruesome masks
Or plastic spiders
Or lifelike monsters.
No, it's the thoughts in our head
That terrify us the most...
What if she comes to regret her decision?
What if he really is unhappy?
What if the chance for love has passed forever?
How do we conquer these terrifying thoughts?
We start by reminding ourselves
What does not kill us...
Just makes us stronger.