Have you ever been in charge of 12 young boys?
No, sir.
Have you ever rubbed two sticks together to make a fire?
No, sir.
Ever put your life in another boy's hands?
Have you ever asked another boy to put his life in yours?
No, sir.
We follow orders, son.
We follow orders, or people's crafts turn out shoddy.
It's that simple. Are we clear?
- Yes, sir. - Are we clear?
Crystal.
I think we've established the clarity of it.
All those having business here, stand forward and you shall be heard.
The facts are these:
On September 6th, they entered the bunk side of their troop mate.
While he was sleeping, they placed his hand into a glass of warm water.
He then woke up.
They proceeded to perpetrate in giving a wedgie.
Then suspended him from a flagpole.
They commenced to taunting him and calling him "Skidmark Santiago."
He then fainted, fell off the pole, and skinned his knee.
Listen up, glory boy.
As troop den mother, let me tell you...
...if you insist upon handling this case in the fast-food...
...slick-ass manner in which you handle everything...
...you'll wind up with one childproof, egg-eating, three-legged...
- No cold? - No code.
What...? What is he...? Can you?
He had no cold in a menorah?
Wait. What are you telling me? Scout Santiago's Jewish?
That's... I don't think so.
- Cholesterol-free, Rowan-and-Martin, open-and-shut, Johnny-come-lately...
...brown, hot-and-sour...
You want to investigate me?
Roll the dice and take your chances.
I eat breakfast every day with 12 angry fathers...
...who think I'm secretly touching their sons.
Don't think you'll come down here, flash a merit badge, and make me nervous.
- Fat-inducing, liposucted, Bruce-Willis-sneered...
...Hapsburg-chinned, thirst-quenching...
We live in a world that has pup tents.
Those tents are held together with knots a scout learns:
The square knot, the granny knot...
...the shank, the hitch, the half-hitch.
Who's gonna tie those knots? You?
Your scouts follow orders, or people get wedgied!
- You want answers? - I think I'm entitled.
- You want answers? - I want the truth!
You can't handle the truth.
- You want the truth? - I want the truth!
- What do you want? - Truth!
- When do you want it? - Now!
Give me a T.
Give me an R.
Give me a U.
Give me a T.
Give me an H.
- What's that spell? - The truth!
All right. You got it.
That's great. Thanks. No further questions.
In the heart of troop number A3-54...
... in a den mother's barracks...
... they're clearing a space on the mantle for a special guest named Oscar.
I think I...
I think I got a pretty good shot here.
I mean, it's pretty intense stuff. So yeah, it's...
Welcome to the show. I'm Ben Stiller.
We're on the set of that Few Good Men parody.
We thought we'd give you a behind- the-scenes look at how we do the show.
It's really a wig I'm wearing.
The cast is angry they didn't do Jack Nicholson.
I should have done it. "Hold the sandwich between your legs."
"I'm the guy from Terms of Endearment."
"Here's Johnny!"
"I'll take a tuna fish sandwich on rye bread. Hold the tuna."
That's why we brought someone else in to do it.
I think you can understand why. Why don't we just go to this?
We're responding to a disturbing-the-peace call.
We get a couple of these calls a night.
Mostly local kids all hopped-up on mead...
...playing chicken on a jousting field, trying to impress some maiden.
That ain't no jousting match! Come on, Johnny!
Over here, Johnny!
Quickly! Merlin has turned his wife into an ox!
Don't worry, Felicia!
I shall return thee to thy normal state.
Drop the wand, Houdini!
Drop the damn wand! Do it!
I will put a spell on all of you!
- Put your hands behind your head! - My wife!
Shut up!
Shut the f* * * up!
Okay, okay, okay.
In a situation like this, we'll apprehend the suspect...
...then we'll impound the wand, run a check on it.
Usually it turns out it's hot.
I had an argument with my wife...
...and I accidentally turned her into an ox.
Listen, I don't care. You can't be making all this noise.
- That's right. - Felicia!
My wife! That is my wife.
What did we just finish telling you?
I...
- Baby goes to sleep. - Where is my elixir?
We got a message about a domestic disturbance two miles from here.
- We'll go check it out. - I'll go with you.
- No, you stay put, wonder boy. - Whose apples are these?
Are these magic apples?
- Will you look at this? - Leave me alone!
Leave me alone. I'm trying to pull this sword from this stone!
- Great! The cops are here. - Shut up!
Good work.
You got 100 people here waiting to pull the sword from the stone.
You had your shot at this thing, all right?
Is this your kid? Tell me something. Wait a minute.
- That's your daddy, right? - Yeah.
Okay. Now, your daddy's been drinking a little bit of mead?
I have not been drinking.
Don't tell me that. I smell it all over your breath.
It's my clothing. I spilled something on it, sir.
What's going on here? Are you pulling the sword?
Yes. I'm trying to pull the sword from the stone.
Oh, yeah? Well, who's the lady here?
This wench is my wife, I'm very sorry to say.
Is that any way to act in front of your wife and kid? You're drunk.
- She fills him full of lies. - He's a terrible role model.
She fills him full of lies. What am I supposed to do?
- Get up. Get up. - I'm the king!
No, wait. Go ahead. Give it a shot.
- There you go. - Nothing happens.
I got news, Mr. Universe. It's not coming out, all right?
Okay, okay. I just wanted one chance! You know? I mean...
I wanna pull the sword from the stone.
You can't even pull up your own pants.
Let him try. You see what she does?
You wanna pull this? Go ahead.
- She's on his back already. - You pick up the pieces.
All right. Give it a try.
Behold Excalibur!
- I loosened it for him. I was there. - Shut up!
I knew there was something special about this boy!
All right. That's it, everybody. Show's over, okay?
You got your king. Sword's been pulled from the stone. Go home now.
Everybody's got homes to go to. That's it, all right?
That's great. I bust my hump 11 years.
Some kid pulls a stick out of a rock, becomes my boss.
That's some cough you got.
Got a touch of the plague that's going around.
You know what's good for that? Leeches.
Hurts like a mother, but it works. Really.
And now, Ben Stiller's Music News with Tabitha Soren.
Hello, I'm Tabitha Soren, and this is a Stiller Music News special report.
Controversy surrounds a trio of backup singers who call themselves Vanilla Heat.
In an unprecedented move...
...they are suing the entire music industry for discrimination.
We caught up to Heat at their L.A. Home studio.
They had this to say:
I mean, we've been in L.A. For eight...
- Eight years. - For...
We've been in L.A. For eight years, and we have yet to get job one.
Question: What's wrong with this picture?
Answer: When it comes to backup singers...
...if you don't look a certain way, an invisible wall goes up.
Come on. Four for nothing.
Four, three, two.
Nail that spin, Kim. Nail that spin.
The music industry is a hall of mirrors.
For some reason, we have not been invited in.
The reason is plain and simple.
If you're not a hot chick in spandex...
...who's willing to shake your rump and flaunt it...
...forget it. You need not apply.
We have currently over 700 legal suits...
...pending in Los Angeles Municipal Court.
Well, I don't know why they're suing me.
I don't hire singers. That's not what I do.
Kim is our legal counselor, if you will.
Well, he's not, I mean... He's not exactly...
You're not a lawyer, right? Let's put the cards on the table here.
You're not a lawyer, but you're acting in our behalf.
I am not a lawyer, per se.
However, I am very comfortable in a court of law.
And I am fluent in two languages: English and legalese.
I don't know. These guys wanted to try out to be my background singers.
I said, cool. I'm always looking for good talent.
And, you know, they just suck.
We, as a group, have too much talent...
...to let this happen.
I'm not gonna lay down for the steamroller, okay?
It's not gonna happen with me.
Excuse me. We're here for the backup singer auditions.
- I don't think you have an appointment. - It's happening again.
All we need is five minutes of your time, please.
I think if we were dressed in hot spandex outfits...
...and had earrings on and looked great, we'd have no problem here.
- You'd roll out the red carpet for us. - Maybe we should've worn our dresses.
Four for nothing. One, two, three, four.
Let's go.
Come on! Come on! Come on.
I don't care. Blacklist me. Cross my name off the list.
Because it was never there in the first place.
Stay out!
We're not religious people, but we can't deny...
...that God gave us these voices.
And sometimes when we're singing...
...I can feel him smiling down upon us.
Yeah. Well, does he know a good lawyer?
I'm out of here.
Tonight on American Profiles:
BillyBob Hoyt, high-tech hillbilly.
Buford, listen. Tell Sheriff O'Dell that if we don't expand...
...there's not gonna be any county line. All right?
Great.
Hold it. I'm gonna get you 20 cases by Tuesday.
That's on the house.
You know who you're talking to here, right? Good.
Sally Jo, get me the facts on that McSorely feud.
I need specifics. How many have been killed, how many have been run off?
And cancel my wrestling match with Leland.
Get some more houseflies in here. I feel like I'm in the city.
What we're doing at HillTech is trying...
...to preserve the hillbilly lifestyle by making it profitable.
And guess what?
It's working.
Great. Pointier. Can't be pointy enough. Remember that.
- What you got? - Whittle-Quick.
I want that in the catalog by Christmas.
This is my eighth cousin and number one idea man, Claude.
What do you got today?
This is something we've been working on called the Pick-O-Matic 2000.
Fully automatic, solar-powered foot picker.
Picks feet free of corn, wood slivers, pebbles, what-have-you.
While leaving your hands free to shoo flies, smoke a pipe, whatever.
People like to pick their own feet!
This is the tip of the iceberg.
Right now, we're developing a blend of nonalcoholic moonshine.
"All the kick and none of the sick."
I don't cotton to it.
We're negotiating with a big defense firm about feud technology...
...or what we call "interfamily squabbles."
You can shoot at a Hatfield, but don't be shooting at any Hoyts.
How do I know they're a Hatfield?
They're chicken-livered, colicky-Iooking, yellow types.
I think I smell one now, talking to Sis!
- You get off our property! - And stay off!
I'm not alone. There's a new breed of us young hicks on the move.
Erasmus! Thank you, Elliot.
Good to see you. Hi.
Chad! Hey.
Delbert!
How's that greased-pig catcher coming?
No, no. Don't worry. We have a code here. Relax.
Hey.
Fellow hillbilly millionaires...
...all of us are related by years of intermarriage...
...and by our respect for innovation and enterprise.
On behalf of the Young Hillbillies Millionaires Club...
...I'd like to present this year's Golden Jug Award...
...to BillyBob Hoyt.
I'm a hillbilly. I'm a businessman.
But mostly I'm just a guy who never understood the word "can't."
And now a word about Grady's Oats.
You talking to me?
I don't see anybody else around here.
I guess that means you're talking to me.
Thirty-eight caliber snub-nose.
Some people call it a Saturday night special.
See, certain things never go out of style.
Things like craftsmanship, dedication to hard work.
The good people at Gra...
Those damn kids!
That's it! That's it!
Hey! What did I tell you about playing ball back there?
Get out of here, or I'll kill you!
I'll kill you and your families!
Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.
It's an... What did I tell you?
You've been warned!
Get up! I don't care if he's hurt! Get him out of there!
This is my lawn!
Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.
These are my flowers.
They're beautiful flowers!
They're beautiful colors!
Yellow and purple...
...and you ruined them!
You've ruined my flowers!
- Is my wig? - Your wig's fine. How's my tooth?
Welcome back to the show. Your tooth looks just fine, Janeane.
We're excited because we're on at 10:30 now.
We can say words we couldn't say when we were on earlier.
We actually have a list of words we can say at 10:30, or 9:30 Central...
...that we couldn't say at 7:30, 6:30 Central. Say them.
"Crap" and "crappy."
"Bitch"!
"Doodie"!
"Bastard."
- All right. That's enough. - More.
- "Pee-pee." - "Period."
- "Ca-ca." - This wasn't a good idea.
- "Breasts." - Okay.
- "Ass." - Why don't we just go to this?
"Whore."
Hey, trainee. Sure is busy on your first night, huh?
The guy at table 14 keeps changing his side-dish order.
That's because they all taste so good. It's hard to pick just one.
- This is the best job, isn't it? - Yeah, I guess.
My boyfriend didn't want me to work here.
He thinks fake-theme restaurants are corny.
It isn't a fake theme.
What's all the chitchatting back here?
We got some appetizer specials to push, right?
- You want to be part of the team? - Yes.
Why don't you sell table 9 another order of deep-fried Pooterballs, okay?
- I'll try. - Remember our motto:
"Customers are always hungrier than they think they are."
- So get out there and sell them. - Okay.
Hi, and welcome to T.J. O'Pootertoot's...
...where you're sure to have the rootenist, tootenist, pootenist good meal.
I'm Faith, and I'll be your food gal.
Tonight's drink specials include Sex in a Hamper, with or without milk...
...and pudding shots. Our dinner specials include the Angry Mexi...
I don't need to hear them. I want two orders of deep-fried curly ribs...
...a Miserable Whore without salt around the rim for me...
...and a Giggling Scoundrel for the lady...
...and a side of the atomic liver crisps.
- Like some Pooterballs with that? - What kind of meat is in that?
Pooter meat. With a taste that's oddly familiar.
No, thanks.
- How about Colorado bean strips? - I just told you what I wanted!
With an order of Alaskan minibites...
...you're entitled to a free hour of karaoke...
We don't want any "mini" things. We just want what we ordered, okay?
- Honey...! - I'm hungry.
Wow, I just sold two more orders of Red-Hot Rancheroos.
That's 25 more Pooter points for me.
You kill yourself for Pooter points, all you get is T.J.'s moustache wax.
I know you didn't mean that.
Be careful! If somebody overhears you...
...we could both get shipped off to Pootertoot's Spirit Camp.
- Hey, there, soldier. How's it going? - Good.
There's nothing like that feeling of knowing you're part of a team.
That feeling deep down inside...
...knowing you're one insignificant part of a much greater plan.
And that plan is T.J. O'Pootertoot's.
Let's have an Alley Rally.
I can't right now. I have an order coming up.
We're having an Alley Rally.
Come on! We're having an Alley Rally.
Who's the best, east or west?
T.J. O'Pootertoot's!
Where does the guest rest with zest?
T.J. O'Pootertoot's!
Who always passes the bunk food test?
T.J. O'Pootertoot's!
- Hey! - T.J. Loves you.
- What are you doing? - You must join us. T.J. Commands it.
Faith!
David!
No!
David!
- Keep back. He has the book of Pooter. - Stay back. I'll trim you all!
- What is going on? - I was right. It's all in here.
O'Pootertoot was a member of the Donner Party.
The pioneers who were snowed in and...
Ate each other. Right.
One of the survivors, a young man named T.J. O'Pootertoot...
...decided that human flesh made the ultimate fun food.
He's right! It's fun-a-licious!
- What are you saying? - It's people!
Pooterballs are made out of people.
- No! - He's weak. Come with us.
- You'll snack forever. - No.
T.J. Is the way!
- Have a Pooterball. - No!
Faith!
Snack on this!
Come on.
Wait! We should tell them.
No. Don't look into their eyes!
Come on.
What are we gonna do? We need a female to re-populate with.
T.J. Must have a male heir. It is written!
Do not worry, young Dwayne. We will find another.
Hi. I'd like to apply for a job.
Yes. Right this way.
That's it for the show. Hope you had a good time.
I want to thank my cast, who all did a great job this week.
Especially Janeane.
It's not easy being the only female member of a practically all-male cast.
- You're really holding your own. - You are.
Thanks. You guys have always been very respectful, and I appreciate it.
- You are welcome. - Well, that's it.
- Good night. - Cut!
- Good night. Cut. - Great.
- I'm gonna be in my dressing room. - All right, Andy!
- Shake it! Shake it, baby! - Looking good!
Take it off, Mama! He is hot tonight!
Stop harassing me, once and for all!
- You're beautiful when you're angry. - Yes!
Can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
- That is a fine piece of meat. - Yeah!
As a side business, we write a lot of commercial jingles.
It's not art, but it pays the bills.
Well, if we ever sold one, it might pay some bills.
[ENGLISH]