Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
What are you doing? That's Crisco!
I can't help it. I'm delirious from cosmetics depravation.
I rush-ordered some indonesian rosewood oil last week,
And it still hasn't arrived.
- The indonesian rosewood is endangered.
- I know. That's why the box is labeled "auto parts."
- We're just going to a wine tasting.
It's not exactly a photo shoot for vogue.
- Yeah, well, what if someone
Tips off the cleveland paparazzi?
- You called three times.
He's not coming.
- Oh, elka, have you gone goth?
- I'm going to a funeral.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Who died?
- I don't know.
Some guy, I guess.
My friend sheila crashes funerals to meet men.
I'm going with.
- But you have max.
- Just because I'm chained to the fence,
It doesn't mean I can't bark at the cars.
- Good morning!
- Great morning!
- What else do you want for breakfast?
- I really don't have much of an appetite this morning.
- I don't either anymore.
- Well, I better get out of here
So you women can talk about me.
- How cute is she?
- Oh, very.
- How cute is he?
Wait, wait, wait, I'll walk you out.
That way, you can frisk me again.
- Well, you are a "person of interest."
- Oh, I'll be so relieved when the bad pun stage is over.
- It could be worse.
You know, we hardly ever see melanie
Now that she's dating pete.
- But I've heard everything.
Everything.
- Well, I have some earplugs you can use.
I had to buy a box of them
Because of that owl that keeps me up at night.
- That's not an owl, that's them!
- Good lord, she hoots like that?
- I think it's him. It's weird.
- Isn't pete the best?
- "owl" say.
- What? What's so funny?
- It's nothing.
You better get dressed for our ohio wine tasting.
- Oh, no! I totally forgot about that.
You know, I promised pete
That I'd take him hiking this afternoon.
- You're canceling on us again?
- I'm sorry. I seem to be doing that a lot.
But you guys can go without me.
- Oh, no, we'll just wait till next week.
It's no fun without you.
- Aw.
- After all, you're our designated driver.
- Yes. I'm not gonna spit out perfectly free wine.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But you and I are definitely on for our movie tonight, okay?
But can you guys blame me? You understand, right?
He's just so cute!
Outside, I stole a kiss
And then he pretended to read me my miranda rights,
And then he said, "you have the right to remain adorable."
- Hear that?
It's the sound of us all turning against you.
Sync by MatheuSMP for www.addic7ed.com
[doorbell rings]
- Don't get up.
- Where is she?
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, my god.
Ms. Chase.
My name is zack adams.
Like yourself, I am a devotee of the craft of thespis.
- Shocker.
- I am also a devotee of honor st. Raven,
Which is why I am pleased to give you this package
From "indonesian beauty auto supply."
- Oh, my rosewood oil!
How did you get this?
- The mailman brought it.
I live at the same house number, two blocks over.
And it's almost as if the hand of god was at work,
Only it wasn't god because the mailman does this all the time,
And I think he smokes weed.
- Well, thank you, zack.
It's always so nice to meet such an enthusiastic fan.
- Honor st. Raven taught me courage, determination, love...
Even how to survive a blizzard
By crawling inside a bear carcass.
- "I never wear fur, but this is an emergency!"
- That was during the writers' strike, wasn't it?
- Ah! The best six months of my life.
- Actually, ms. Chase,
I too am in a blizzard of sorts,
And I need you to be my bear carcass.
- I'm intrigued.
- We're in rehearsal for our school play
And I desperately need you to help us not make it suck.
Even a word from you
Would be as rejuvenating as the indonesian rosewood oil--
Which, I might add, you hardly need.
- [laughs]
- Look, I'm flattered,
But I'm not really a school play sort of person.
- But you have to!
We're doing romeo and juliet,
Which I know is the first thing
You ever acted in in high school.
- Well, that is true.
- And our production is doomed
Because the soccer coach is now doubling as the drama teacher
Due of budget cuts.
- God, I hate jocks.
- You were married to a wide receiver.
- I still don't know what sport that was.
- Please come.
The man wants to put the character names
On the back of our costumes.
- What kind of monster is he?
Zack, I will be your carcass.
- All acting is an art,
Whether some great work on broadway
Or a production of romeo and juliet
Right here in your little school cafetorium.
For why else would victoria chase
Be standing here before you on this humble stage?
Because, believe it or not,
I was once where you are.
Albeit taller and with better skin.
So dig deep and strive hard to be a true artist.
Because that is when the awards come a'calling.
And you had better be ready because they are awesome.
[applause]
- Inspiring stuff. - Ah, thank you.
- Campbell, I see you smirk like that again,
I'll knock your block off.
Okay, bring it in and take a knee.
Listen up.
We got our first show on Friday,
And your parents aren't paying
To see a bunch of amateur ragtime grab-ass up here.
So let's execute!
Hands in, "shakespeare" on three.
Everybody, know your lines and be awesome.
One, two, three.
All: Shakespeare!
- I see what you're dealing with here.
- Shh! Don't let him catch you talking to me.
He'll make me do push-ups.
Boy push-ups.
- Excuse me, is this seat taken?
- Oh. Um...
Sorry, I'm waiting for my friend.
- No problem.
- Is this seat taken?
- So that guy's the bachelor?
- For this season.
- Looks like a guy you want to punch.
- Shh! They're about to start the rose ceremony.
- Do the women know he's gay?
Oh, big surprise.
He chose the one with the biggest breasts.
- And she's a paralegal.
And they made a beautiful connection
That night he dated those two other women.
- Oh, yeah.
Told them both they were the one.
- You know what?
You're worse than watching this with joy.
Oh, my god, joy!
I was supposed to meet her at the movies!
- Excuse me,
It appears my friend isn't coming after all.
- Thanks, I'm good.
- Coming soon...
They were as close as sisters,
Until the summer that would change everything.
- If you don't have friends, you have nothing.
Nothing!
- My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
- Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much
Which mannerly devotion shows in this--
- [whistle blows]
Barker, you're out of position again.
Drop and gimme 20.
- This is a waking nightmare.
- Well, everyone's just too scared to act.
Except you, zack. You are mercutio.
[gina clears her throat]
- This is my friend, gina.
My girlfriend, gina.
- Really. Well, nice to meet you, gina.
And are you an actor also?
- Oh, hair and makeup. - Ah.
- I keep telling her I should have a beard.
- Oh, I wouldn't bother.
- All right, guys, pick up the pace.
We need to motor through the boring parts.
Actually, coach, I know a couple of acting exercises
I think might loosen everyone up.
- These kids don't need loosening up.
They need a swift kick in the ass.
- You know, I have worked
With tyrannical directors like you.
It's not helpful.
Performance is a collaboration.
- Lady, I'm just trying to get to the sword fight.
- Romeo and juliet is not about a sword fight.
- Well, if it was,
Maybe more people would have heard of it.
- You are a terrible director,
And I know a thing or two about directing.
I took a class called "a thing or two about directing."
- Fine, if you think you can do better, go for it.
Just don't dehydrate them.
We've had lawsuits.
- No, but you d--
- What's all that?
- Oh, I told melanie I'd do her brows.
- I'm surprised you're even speaking to her,
The way she's been treating you.
- Oh, it's okay.
So she stood me up a few times.
She has a new boyfriend. I get it.
- That's no excuse.
In poland, the nuns had a saying, "kur przed koguty."
It means, "chicks before..."
You know what.
- The nuns said that?
- It was no sound of music.
- Right.
- Thanks again for doing this.
And again, I'm so sorry about last night.
- Stop apologizing. It's all forgotten.
- I just lost track of time.
Whenever I'm with pete,
I just--I forget about everything else.
Oh, did I tell you,
This morning, he said the cutest thing.
Ow!
- Oh, my bad.
Raw cookie dough?
Did you finally get that peruvian tapeworm you ordered?
- No. The mule got caught at customs again.
Look, it's opening night, and I need this.
- I thought everything was going great.
What's the problem?
- The problem is juliet.
She's a lox.
When she dies at the end, no one can tell,
Because she's been so lifeless all along.
- Doesn't she have an understudy?
- Ah, yes, theresa.
Remind me to send her flowers.
She had her baby this afternoon.
God, what am I gonna do?
- Maybe your actress is just scared.
Weren't you scared when you started?
- Of what? Too much adulation?
- Clearly it's hard for you to relate to the untalented,
But imagine, just for a second,
What it would be like if you were one of them.
- Inspiration has struck.
I know just what to say to her.
Oh, victoria chase's romeo and juliet
Is going to be a triumph!
Isn't it william shakespeare's romeo and juliet?
- Uh, well, I tweaked a few lines,
So will and I are gonna share credit on the program.
- The wax is hot. Ready? - Yeah, yeah.
Can you give me a little bit of a higher arch this time?
Because I'm meeting pete's friends
For dinner tomorrow night,
And I want them to think I'm pretty.
Well, you know, and smart and stuff.
- Tomorrow night? - Yeah.
[gasps] oh, joy! Oh, no!
Little Italy, you and me, dinner.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Listen, I would cancel, but it's pete's friends,
And you know how important friends are.
- Yes, if you don't have friends, you have nothing.
Nothing. - Ow!
- Ooh, boy.
- What? What did you do?
Aah!
Where's my eyebrow?
- It's right here.
- [crying]
- And exhale.
[all exhaling]
Now, places.
Where is my juliet?
- Yeah, ms. Chase?
- How are you feeling, francesca?
- Like I want to puke.
- Ah, that's good. - That's good?
- Yes, yes. That means you're afraid.
Now, do you know what you're afraid of?
- You?
- No, realizing your dream.
Because in that dream is the truth about yourself.
Now, I want you to close your eyes
And visualize it.
Can you see it, francesca?
- I think so.
Yeah, I see it.
- You are confident, talented, owning the stage.
Every line a triumph, every gesture a revelation.
You are a young--well, younger-- victoria chase.
You are me.
- But I don't want to be you.
- What?
- No, that's not my dream. - But francesca--
- Look, I'm sorry, ms. Chase, but we both know
This play's gonna be way better without me.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my gosh.
Thank you, miss chase.
I see the truth about myself, too!
And I just want to shout it out loud!
- Not until after prom, you don't.
- Now who's gonna play juliet?
- Finally, it's zack's turn.
I know all of her lines,
And besides, it's my wig anyway.
- I think there are three empty seats over there.
- I'm not blind, just disfigured.
- Accidents happen.
- Yeah, accidents happen.
- A wise man once said, "there are no accidents."
- That was freud.
- I didn't get his name.
It was just some old guy I spilled my soda on.
- Sorry.
- Oh, now you apologize.
- I was talking to them, not to you.
Sorry.
Still them.
Look, even if I did do it on purpose,
On some deep, subconscious level,
I must have had a good reason.
- So you admit it! - I admit nothing.
- Well, are you just secretly upset
That I have a boyfriend?
- Of course not. - Then what's the big deal?
- She's upset that you've been ditching your friends
just because there's a new guy in your life.
It's as obvious as that hickey on your neck.
- She's right.
Aren't we past the days when a guy comes into your life
And suddenly you become oblivious to everyone else?
- You're right.
I have been acting a little bit like a teenager.
But in my defense, the last time I had a boyfriend,
I was a teenager.
I'm really sorry that we've been in your face.
- And I'm sorry I took off part of yours.
- So far, I hate it.
- O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.
They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
- Saints do not move, though grant for prayer's sake.
- [laughs]
- Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.
[audience ohs]
- It's funny 'cause it's gross.
[laughter]
- Oh!
[cheers and applause]
- Honey, that was so great!
- Best romeo and juliet I've ever seen.
- Oh, yeah, a lot of laughs.
- Oh, thank you.
Kelly mushlin proclaimed it a "smash hit."
- Who? - A tenth grader.
She writes for the school paper.
- Wow, you seem so happy.
- Well, I'm just so excited to be back
In the legitimate theater again.
Um, I have an announcement to make.
Uh, the school asked if I would stay on
As the drama advisor, and I said yes.
- Are you serious? That's wonderful!
- I think that might actually be quite fantastic.
- What about your career?
- Oh, if get offered a part,
I am on the next plane out of here.
You know, in acting, we call that michael caine's law.
[text message chime]
- Oh. Oh, it's pete.
He wants me to come meet him.
But I'm telling him no.
I'm spending the evening with my girlfriends.
- Ah!
- Because nothing in life is as important as friendship.
- Or is it also because you look like a hideous freak
Without your eyebrow?
- Yeah, there's that too.
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