No, now's just not a really good time for me.
I mean, maybe I could come to you, or maybe you could visit later in the year.
- Krista, off the phone, please. - Fuck off, Ken!
Or maybe...
I'm signing you up online, they're gonna send you the free club,
- you're gonna love it. - Hey.
- What's going on? - Hey, bring it in!
Don't give me that hand. Come on!
- Hey, look at you. - Good to see you.
You're looking great. Thanks, man.
- What have you been up to? - Just here working, you know, busy.
Dude, we got to hang, man.
Yeah, we do. We do. We never get together.
Look, I got this new condo downtown by the water.
- Yeah? - Got this great view.
My girlfriend, she's, like, a model and stuff, and so she has some friends over
on Saturday. Let's go together, we'll hang out.
We got a man cave in there, we'll hang out, we'll have some...
- You like tapas? - Yeah, I love tapas.
- Let me... let me get your number. - I think you have it.
No, I don't, but check this out, watch this.
Bruce.
Look, you can type your name. Voice activated.
- Thought I gave it to you. - Yeah. No, I don't have it.
All right. I got this, and now I am off.
- Okay, see ya, Tony. - Lookin' sharp. Callin' you.
- Yup. - See you on Saturday.
Damn it!
- What's the matter? - I feel like a jackass. This guy Tony Maroni...
Every time I see him, asks me for my number, makes plans, and then never calls me.
- I hate myself. - You know what?
The next time you see him, you get his number, and then you don't call him.
- Oh, and then I get the power. - Yeah.
- Take back the night. - Thank you.
Bruce, I need your help.
My mom's coming to town tomorrow, and
she's always disappointed in me.
She can't stand the way I dress, or the people I hang out with,
or the guys I date.
When I go to her house she won't even let me sit on her toilet seat.
So I just want her to be proud of me, and
I kind of told her that I was the manager of this place.
- Really? - Yeah.
So, I was hoping that when she comes tomorrow we could kind of...
kind of pretend that I am.
- How long? - Just a day.
- No problem. - Oh, cool. Thank you.
- Get to work. - Okay.
I'm Ken, I'm a dick.
~ www.SubCentral.de ~ presents
~ Players S01E01 ~ Krista's Mom
~ Sync ~ extreme
~ Transcript ~ addic7ed.com
No, no, no, I'm not gonna help her lie.
Ken, relax. Krista's family,
and sometimes you got to lie for your family.
I don't think lying is a family value.
What are you talk... Absolutely it is a family value.
You're always telling lies to your family.
You're telling 'em you like their haircut, that they're not too fat in their clothes,
- that the employees don't hate 'em. - The employees hate me?
- No. - Spruce Bruce.
I got it.
I went with the robots 'cause they're a little bit more adult,
and I'm pretty sure you're right; they're not from space.
Awesome, buddy, congrats.
Oh, and thanks for telling my girlfriend that I got mugged.
She'd be pretty upset with me if she knew I spent my whole allowance on a bedspread.
It's not an allowance, it's a paycheck.
Oh, right, I just never think of myself as an employee.
Unfortunately, neither do I.
- Oh, thanks, Ken. - Hey, Buddy!
Are you gonna stick around and help with inventory tonight?
- Oh, yeah, I canceled my workout. - Cool.
Excuse me, I'm looking for the manager.
Our manager's name is Krista.
Yes, yes.
And she is the manager, and she is managing that way.
Mom!
- Hello, darling. - Hi.
How was your trip?
Oh, honey, look at you! Are you sick?
- No. - You just must be so tired.
- I've been working a lot. - Yeah.
Let me introduce you to my employees.
- This is Calvin, my bartender. - How do you do, Calvin? I'm Olivia.
- Nice to meet you. - That's my mom. Nice to meet you.
- This is Barb. - Hello, Barb.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. I'm Olivia.
Krista's said a lot of different things about you.
Why, thank you.
This is my favorite waiter, the best we have.
- This is Bruce. - Hi, Bruce.
Your daughter's the best manager I ever worked for.
And this is Ken.
- Hello, Ken, I'm Olivia. - Pleasure to meet you.
And because my mom is here, drinks for everybody on the house!
Whoa, Krista, you sure the owner would approve of that?
Yeah, well, I think the owner trusts my judgment.
And you know what? Table five needs their order taken.
So why don't you do it, you *** fat ass?
Now go. Come on, girl.
I'm managing. Do you believe it?
I think maybe you have some managing to do over there.
There's a waiter sitting reading a paper.
Bruce? Bruce. Can you wait on a table for me, please?
- Yeah. Got it. - Thank you.
Why are you so much nicer to that one than you are to that one?
Ken wants me to yell at him.
He says that it motivates him to do a better job.
Hey, fat ass!
Table two isn't gonna clean itself. Why don't you run on over there
instead of having your *** in your hand and splooging it all over everybody?
Excuse me.
- Oh, hi! - Hi, folks.
Are you ready?
Well, we actually have a question for you. This is our first time here,
and we were wondering, what's better?
The burger or the wings?
I don't know. Just... If you're in for chicken, get wings,
and if you want a burger, get a burger.
- Yeah, but which one tastes better? - It's kind of an impossible question.
Everything tastes great. I don't know what you guys eat. Preference is preference.
You like dudes, great. You like chicks, great.
- I don't think it's an impossible question. - Yeah, it is.
Call me up tomorrow morning. I'll tell you what shirt to wear. How 'bout that?
- Hey, Bruce! - Tony.
- What's up, man? Hey. - It's good, it's good, brother.
- Listen... - Guess what.
- What? - We got the patent.
- On what? - Multicolored trash bags.
- Oh, congratulations! - Yeah, yeah!
- Listen... - Isn't it great?
Cool, well, maybe me and you could get... Can I get your...
You know what we got to do? We have to hang out.
- Yeah, I was just gonna say that. - Can we hang out? Can we hang out?
Can I get you... can I pin you down?
Check this out. Bruce.
Put in your number.
I'm not even gonna look at it. Saved.
All right, I'm out. I'm calling you.
That guy's amazing. He did it again!
Next time that Phony Baloney pulls that shit,
why don't you just handle it like an adult?
- And do what? - Tell him to go *** himself.
- Go *** yourself. - Go *** yourself.
Go *** yourself.
No, hit the "f" a bit harder. Go *** yourself.
- Let me see the teeth. - Go *** yourself, Tony Baloney!
There you go. You put some saliva right in the corner of my eye.
- That's the way you're supposed to do it. - That is the adult thing to do. Thank you, Hickey.
Oh, well, you're working. That's a good thing.
I wish it was someplace nicer like the soup ranch.
If you were manager of a soup ranch
and it was as dirty as this, you'd be fired on the spot.
Well, if you don't like it, you know, why don't we go someplace else?
I'm the manager, so we can just take off.
No, no, honey, I want to stay here. I want to watch you work.
That'll be really unusual.
Well, why don't we just go shopping,
or, I don't know, see the town. I mean, you're only here for a day.
Oh, no, honey, I'm not here for just a day. No.
You know what? I'm gonna be staying for the whole week.
Krista's mother is staying for a week.
I didn't sign on for this. It was supposed to be one day.
Okay, okay, just relax, Ken, all right?
This, mom, is my office.
This is where I hold court and make decisions.
- Oh, manager Krista? - Yeah?
I was thinking I should probably marry some ketchups,
clean up some bar glasses, and do all that stuff you taught me.
Yeah, please do. Okay. I'll be on that.
- Thank you. - I just want to say,
I can't believe you two aren't sisters.
- We get that. - Yeah.
I'm actually on break, so I'll just be hanging out for a while.
I'm gonna go and do a lot of my "to do" list.
You know, I got a lot of appointments today, and I got to remember them all,
- so I'm just gonna write down, you know... - Oh, Krista, you probably don't want to
write on your vintage, 1960s desk.
Why wouldn't I write on it? It's just a piece of junk.
Actually it's the same model that Jack Lemmon used in the apartment.
Honey, you probably don't want to deface this desk.
You know what, Ken? I think it's about time for you to skedaddle. Your break is over.
In fact, I'd like you to clean the bathrooms right now.
So I guess just the same beer, and you think we can get malt liquor on tap?
- Sure. Full kegs, or bullets? - Kegs.
You got it.
- I guess... - The schnapps?
Hi, Krista! What are you doing?
You know, just ordering the bar's liquor like a manager does.
Oh, that's great.
Boy, I would love to be a manager someday myself.
Would you mind if I took a look at that and see how it's done?
Here you go.
- Six cases of party down rum coolers. - Yeah.
That's funny, 'cause I've never seen anybody drink those before.
Well, I drink, like, six a night,
so if I'm doing it, you know somebody else in the bar wants it.
So I'll take this back. Sounds good.
Got it. Oh, and the case of whippets you called about.
- Could we make it two cases? - Okay.
What do you need whippets for?
For "Whippet Wednesday." You know, you're awfully mouthy for a waiter.
Why don't you take that bus pan and clean that table like I told you to?
I know I shouldn't, but I think I am going to have some dessert.
Go for it, mom.
- Waiter? What's his name? - Bruce.
Bruce, I'd like to order some dessert, please.
Go ahead, I can hear ya.
Would you mind coming over here so I could give you my order?
Make sure we get the order of these.
- I'm thinking about dessert... - Welcome to Players.
Thank you.
...and I'm torn between the cobbler and the cheesecake.
- Which do you recommend? - Are you *** kidding me?
- Bruce. - Cobbler and chee... How hard...
Yeah, actually the cheesecake,
because you and I have the same taste buds.
- I'll get it pronto. - Thank you.
You're gonna love it, 'cause I love it. Love cheesecake...
That sounds good.
- You have a really hard job. - I know.
- And I am really impressed. - Yeah?
Yes, I am very proud of you.
- Thank you, mom. - But it's not a life.
Work is not a life. I wish you weren't so alone.
- I'm not alone. - I'm not.
I'm not.
Actually, I'm... I'm engaged.
Yeah. Aren't you proud? I'm engaged.
- You're engaged? - Yeah, I'm engaged.
To who?
I... To him! I'm engaged to him!
I don't want to do it.
Ken, I'm trying to take a nap.
Could you show a little concern for my situation?
I'm gonna have to pretend I'm getting married to a woman I'm completely incompatible with.
I don't want to be insensitive,
but I don't like being a waiter, and I am out there taking abuse.
You're not, you're in here taking a nap.
Ken!
I can't believe you and Krista are getting married.
This is wonderful, it's like a movie where
the two most unlikely people end up together.
And it's so weird 'cause Krista's always saying
that you're gross, and your sweat smells like campbell's soup,
and that she wouldn't *** you with a 10-foot ***,
and you're a Nazi, and when Heath Ledger died
she said, "Oh, I wish it was Ken!" But it wasn't, and I'm glad it wasn't.
We're not actually engaged. She made up that lie for her mother.
She didn't say those things about you.
What's that, Bruce? You need me at the bar?
- Bruce is in here, you idiot. - Oh, I got to go do some work.
So tell me, how did you propose? I mean, who asked who?
Ke... Ken.
- I asked. I asked Krista. - Asked me.
We...
We went out... we went out really fancy one night.
- Nice dinner. - We went to the spaghetti farm,
and just, you know, It was a blowout.
We got so wasted, and it was so much fun.
- So what do you think... - There's your cheesecake.
That's the cheesecake I ordered from yesterday?
Yeah, I've been swamped and jorge ran out of plates.
Bon appe... lunch.
- That looks good. - Why don't you fire him?
Ken, am I right? If you were the manager,
- wouldn't you fire that waiter? - I would. Immediately.
See, Krista, he's very different than anybody else you've been with.
You're gonna have to bring her along a little bit.
I mean, Krista has a problem with intimacy.
No I... no I don't, mom. I'm very intimate.
Of course you do.
I've been here for three days, I've never even seen you guys touch each other.
Oh, well, there's an awful lot of touching that happens when we are in private...
Yeah, we're all... we can't keep our hands off of each other.
- I love to feel comforted by Krista's touch. - I'm touching him all the time, mom.
You don't have to control yourselves. If you want to kiss, go ahead and kiss.
Just kiss me. My mom wants to see us kiss.
Krista, I really don't want to make your mother feel uncomfortable.
No, I think it's fine. My mom will be fine with it.
You say that, but when you...
There's so little do we celebrate in this life. I want to celebrate your love.
Honey, here you go.
See, that was hot. That was... hot.
She always has a strong reaction when we're intimate.
Don't turn around. I got to talk to you.
- I said don't turn around. - Oh, I thought you said do turn around.
I can't do this anymore.
- What? - Krista's being awful to me.
- So what? - She just kissed me and she almost vomited.
- Didn't karen do that once? - Shut up, okay?
Well, she got disgusted when you kissed her.
She did not. She was germaphobic and she asked me
to swab my lips with alcohol before we made love.
Well, that's weird, so it sounds like women have a hard...
It's not weird, it's specific, it's unique.
That combined with her saying I have *** in my mouth,
- and get the *** out of my ass, and... - Ken, she's kidding.
Have you ever had a *** in your mouth or your ass?
No.
I don't care if somebody says I have *** in my mouth. I know I never had a *** in my mouth.
Forget about the *** in the mouth. That's not the main thing.
All right, I don't care if somebody said I had a *** in my ass,
- I know I've never had a *** in my ass. - Forget the *** completely.
- Then what are we talking about? - The point is
I'm doing something very nice for her, taking a bullet,
and she's done nothing but abuse me.
All right, look, Ken. Her mom is weird, okay?
We're doing Krista a favor by pretending she's a manager for what, one more day?
Don't let your little bruised ego get in the way of helping family.
Just one more day. Suck it up.
Ken.
Can you come here for a sec? Mom wants to talk about the wedding.
The lucky newlyweds, soon to be.
Brucey, I'm home!
Hey, hug plane coming in for a landing. Let's go.
Pull out that landing strip.
- Nice to see you. - Great to see you, man.
- You loving life? - Yeah, it's good.
- It's good, man. - That's good. That's great.
- Bro, we got to hang. - No.
You're a Phony Baloney, so go *** yourself.
- What're you talking about? - I mean it. You always come in here
and say we're gonna hang, get me all excited, and you never call.
I'm not a jackass, I'm not a little joker for your prank.
*** yourself, Phony Baloney.
I didn't call you back?
No, you know you didn't call me back.
You know, I'm... I'm sorry.
This week has been kind of nuts, and my ph... I got a new phone,
and my house has been kinda...
- I'm sorry, man, you can't do... - I'm sorry, man. I'm wrong.
No, I messed up.
I love hanging out with you, though.
- Yeah. I do too. - Right? I mean...
♪ Maroni and Fitzy, hangin' as friends ♪
♪ Maroni and Fitzy, friends till the end ♪
- Come on. Hey, you like U2? - You know I love U2.
- Bono's the best. - Check this out. Don't tell anybody.
They're playing the grand canyon this weekend. My buddy has a chopper.
- We'll get on that, champagne it up... - Dude.
Fly down, hang out with The Edge. We'll do it up.
I am so up for this. This is gonna be great.
Dude, you got to check this out, man.
Have you seen this? Bruce.
Just type in your number.
Oh, yeah.
All right. I'll see you guys later.
- Saturday. - See you, Tony.
Later!
Jesus christ, Bruce.
Oh, there you are!
No, no. Sit down.
I've been looking all over for you.
I cannot tell you how relieved I am that Krista found you.
And I know it's not gonna be easy.
I mean, she is a handful.
But you know what? We're gonna be in it together.
I'm not gonna leave you alone. I'm gonna help you with her.
I'm moving here.
- No. - Yes.
No. I'm not gonna do this forever. We have to break up.
We can't. Look, for some reason,
my mom thinks you're the best guy I've ever dated. If I break up with you now,
she is going to hold it against me for the rest of my life.
Too bad. One way or another, this needs to end.
Come on!
What am I gonna do? She loves him.
Relax. I have a great idea.
Ken. When my mom gets out of the bathroom
- I'm gonna break up with you. - Oh, thank God!
- Make it look good, okay? - Absolutely.
You're gonna tell me Nixon wasn't on steroids?
The sweat on the lip when he gave the resignation speech?
- Come on! - Really?
- Yeah, of course. - That's crazy.
- They were all juiced up. - Oh, my God!
Phony Baloney is calling me.
- Can you believe that? - Great.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't touch it. Put it down. Don't answer it.
- He's never called me before. - You get to handle this like an adult.
I'm just gonna hit "ignore." You're my bitch.
I got the lab results back.
I have chlamydia!
I can't believe you slept with a prostitute!
You ass!
I should've known never to get involved with someone
when it starts off in a date rape!
And I put up with the physical and mental abuse
because I thought you cared about me!
Go find somebody else to videotape you trying to suck your own ***, you weirdo!
I can't believe you did those things to Krista, Ken.
- You're a monster! - Get out of here!
Take yourself and leave! You're fired!
- Mom... - Come here, sweetie.
Hey. I packed your office up.
And you know he's a terrible racist.
- Don't pay attention to him. - No.
- God. - I'm so sorry for both of you.
- No. - I thought you were the loser.
- No. - I had no idea.
My mom and I have never gotten along as well as we did this week.
And now that she thinks I was abused, she's being so nice to me.
That breakup speech you wrote was phenomenal.
- You wrote that thing? - You're welcome.
Ken, seriously. Thanks for everything this week.
- I owe you one. - It's no problem.
Hey, buddy, you mind picking up an extra shift tonight?
- Hell no. I got a date. Jesus. - Did you guys hear about this?
Bruce, your friend Tony Maroni committed suicide last night.
What?
Oh, my God!
- He called me yesterday. - What'd he say?
- I never checked the message. - Well, play it.
First unheard message...
Hey, Bruce, it's Tony.
I just talked to my doctor,
and he says I got a brain tumor,
and it's been a crazy week.
It's been really messing around with my memory and stuff,
and I... I'd just love to talk to you.
Anybody, really.
Just give me a call back right now. I'm real... real lonely.
End of message.
To delete, press seven. To save, press nine.
For more options, press zero.