Hi. I'm Keenan Ivory Wayans, and welcome to the show.
You know, I've been trying to think of different ways to open the show.
And tonight, I said to myself, okay.
Now, what could I possibly do to get it started large?
I couldn't think of anything better than my main man...
from money-earnin' Mount Vernon, Heavy D.
d You can do what you wanna do d
d In living colord
- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd
d You can do what you wanna do d
- d In living colord - d In living colord
d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d
d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d
- d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d - d In living colord
d And how would you feel knowing prejudice was obsolete d
d And all mankind danced to the exact beat d
- d And at night it was safe to walk down the street d - d In living colord
d You can do what you wanna do d
d In living colord
d You can do what you wanna do d
- d In living colord - d In living colord
d Everybody here is equally kind d
d Everybody, everybody everybody, everybody d
- d Everybody here is equally kind d - d In living colord
d What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine d
d In living c-c-c-olord
d You can do what you wanna do d
d In living colord
- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd
d You can do what you wanna do in living colord
- d In living colord - d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d
d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d
- d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d - d In living colord
d And how would you feel knowing prejudice was obsolete d
d And all mankind danced to the exact beat d
- d And at night it was safe to walk down the street d - d In living colord
d You can do what you Do what you, do, do, do d
d Do, do what you wanna do d
d In living colord
- d Everybody here is equally kind d - d In living colord
d What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine d
- d In living colord - d How would you feel knowin' everybody was your friend d
d From thin to thick And through thick and thin d
d And egotistical trips was put to an end d
- d In living colord - d You can do what you wanna do d
- d In living colordd - [Audience Applauding, Cheering]
[In Jamaican Accent] All rise. This court is now in session.
The Honorable Godfrey Headley presiding!
Hey, mon!
[Announcer] Hold on to your briefs, it's time for another episode...
of"Hey Mon,"starring that hard-working judicial family...
the Headleys.!
Bring in the first defendant.
Will the clerk of the court read the charges?
The People vs. Beverly Trapp, soliciting for prostitution!
Is the counsel for defense present?
- I am here, Your Honor. - Then is the prosecutor present?
I am, Your Honor.
Wait a minute. You're the judge and the prosecutor?
That's right. I'm also the night court judge, the circuit judge...
the tennis court judge, the judge of Star Search...
a good judge of character and the understudy forJudge Reinhold.
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
I'll be the judge of that.
Mr. Prosecutor, call your first witness.
I call my "semi-lazical,"
hardly-got-six-jobs son Byron to the stand.
Hurry up, Rasta boy. You're slow as the sap on a coconut tree.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth?
- I do. - Then who was the girl I seen you with the other night?
- What's she talkin' about? - Bailiff!
I'll ask the questions 'ere.
- Rambo Rasta Rambo boy. - What you talkin' about?
Who was the woman you saw her with last night?
- She was a prostitute! - [Judge, Bailiff Gasping]
- I was workin'! - [Both Sighing]
And what do you do for a job?
I'm an undercover officer, a parole officer,
a narcotics officer, chief petty officer,
a petty chief officer, a officer and a gentleman,
and I'm a makeup man forJudge Reinhold.
Now, boy. Tell thejudge what happen.!
- I was workin' as an undercover Japanese businessman. - Uh-huh.
Then this woman, she come whisperin' somethin' in my ear.
Somethin' about "givin' me a job" or somethin'!
- Oh, so this involves jobs! - It certainly does.
And, how many jobs do you do?
Uh, I been known to do, uh, 20 jobs in a night, give or take.
Whoo! Twenty job in one night!
You one hard-working heifer.
Case dismissed. I want you to meet me in my chamber.
Next.!
The People vs. Ryan Thomas, armed robbery!
Your Honor. My client says he has an airtight alibi.
Wait, this is the public defender?
That's right. I'm not only the P.D., I'm also the D.A., a C.P.A., an E.M. T...
an O.B. /G.Y.N., the M.V.P. Of the L.P.G.A., and I am Judge Reinhold.
I have a very good makeup man, you know.
Your Honor, at the time of the crime...
- my client was nowhere near the scene. - Yeah, that's right.
At least 50 people saw me. I was standin' in line to get my unemployment.
Unemployment!
You collectin' money for not even workin'?
Ooh, that's a crime if I ever heard of one!
You lazy radish Yankee tub, get out of my court!
Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Next!
The State vs. Reginald McCort.!
McCort? What kinda dumb name is that for a Rasta?
[In An Irish Accent] Black Irish.
And what have you gotta say for yourself, leprechaun?
Well, Your Honor, I admit, Your Honesty, I'm a forger, an embezzler...
a burglar, a pickpocket, a jaywalker, a shoplifter...
a numbers-runner, a con man.
I tear the labels off of mattresses, and I make illegal copies...
ofJudge Reinhold movies.
Court Stenographer, how many t'ing were that...
- "Mr. Lucky Charm" say? - Ten t'ings!
Ten t'ings?
You one hard-working mon.
I sentence you to ten year at hard labor.
Thank you, Your Honesty.
Did you hear what I said? I said, "hard labor"!
[Together] Hey, mon!
I sentence all the Headleys to ten years' hard labor.
- [Sighs] - Hilda, you gonna make a license plate.
Byron, you gonna do the laundry. Matilda, you gonna get in the metal shop.
And l... I gonna work in the chain gang.
- [Together] Hey! - Okay, we share the chain gang.
[Together] Hey, mon! Then we go to jail!
dd [Reggae]
dd [Hip-Hop]
[Announcer] Shahara Zah Ali. You've seen her on Donahue.
And it's every black man's right to slap a black woman in the mouth.
Mm-hmm.
You've seen her on SallyJessy Raphael.
A black woman should not complain about sharin' her black man.
Don't deny it. You're denyin' it! See...
And, you've seen her on Farm Report.
Furthermore, if a black hog wants to keep his sty together...
he should slap his black sow in the mouth when she needs it... don't deny it!
She's Shahara Zah Ali, the author of...
You've read her book. Now, get her new, how-to video.
This easy to follow, step-by-step guide...
will make you, once again, the king of your domain.
Find out if you have what it takes with this simple quiz...
from part one ofher video, "Lines of Communication."
- Hey, babe. - Hi, baby!
- Is it 6:00 already? - You know it.
Oh, you know LittleJake went and blew up his Ninja Turtle in the microwave today.
And then Aquanetta twisted and broke her ankle tryin' to do that Vogue dance...
- so, I mean, I had to rush her to the hospital. - So I got no dinner?
Mm-hmm. Now what would you do in this situation:
A., take her out to a nice restaurant...
B., have dinner at your girlfriend's...
or C., give her an open-handed slap in the mouth?
The answer, of course, is "C."
A good slap in the mouth will train your black woman...
not to put her trivial concerns over your needs.
Situation number two. Your wife finds out you're havin'an affair.
With my own sister?
Look, l...
What do you give your wife: A., a dozen long-stem roses...
B., the necklace you were going to give your girlfriend...
or C., an open-handed slap in the mouth?
Now, if you said "C", you're well on your way to becoming king.
Now here's a tough one. Your wife does somethin'nice.
I say it's tough, 'cause a black woman ain't gonna never do nothin'nice for a black man.
She's sneaky, and if she does something nice, it's a trick... watch her.
Hey, baby! I got you two tickets to the Lakers game.
Lemme see those...
Do you, A., thank her and ask her if she'd like to join you...
B., thank her and take your girlfriend...
or C., give her an open-handed slap in the mouth?
The answer is "B" and "C."
Before you take your girlfriend, remember this:
An unexpected slap never hurts.
Now, if you answered any of these questions correctly...
you're ready to move on to Part Two:
"Puttin' the Man Back in Manhandling."
Featurin' actual demonstrations by real experts...
such as Mike Tyson and Ike Turner.
Order my video: A Blackman's Rights Lefts & Uppercuts.
Make your wife buy it today. If she hesitates...
you know what to do.
- [Clicks] - Hey, I was watchin' that.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah? Well, you're gonna be.
Shahara Zah that!
So is this place okay for you, or...
Yeah, no. It's fine. I think it looks fine.
I figured you'd like it, you know. Soul food and stuff.
Hey, thanks Jake. [Chuckling]
It's our way of sayin' welcome to the practice, man. Make you feel at home.
- Uh, hello? - Oh, just a second. I'll be right with ya.
How are my two babies doin' today?
- We're doin' good. How are you? - Ohh...
My rheumatism actin' up. And my piles been painin' me.
But I couldn't be better, now that my two good-lookin' gentlemen friends...
have come in to have a good old, home-cooked meal from Mama.
- Who said veal? Somebody want veal? Pick it up. - [Rings Bell]
Oh, you the spittin' image of my godson Jarvis.
- Frances, don't he look likeJarvis? - Mm-hmm. Look just likeJarvis.
Mm-hmm.
- You boys seems so fancy. What are ya? - [Chuckling]
[Chuckling] Well, we're both orthodontists.
Oh, baby, that ain't nothin' to be ashamed of.
'Course, I'm a Baptist myself.
But I hear y'all got a good service.
Mm-hmm! Just likeJarvis.
- I ain't say nothin' about noJarvis. - You just said Jarvis.
I said that three days ago. Where you been?
- Don't get my pressure up. - Who said they want fruit cup?
Pick it up!
[Phone Ringing]
- [Rings] - Oh. Y'all gonna stand around like my name is Ma Bell.
Hmm. Every time the phone rings, everybody goes deaf.
- But me. Makes me sick. - [Ringing Continues]
[Mumbling] Hello? Snackin' Shack.
They'll be a 45 minute wait.
Johnny Carson? I don't care if you Johnny Appleseed.
There's still a 45 minute wait.
- Excuse me? - No need to excuse yourself. What you want?
- I'd like to be seated. - I'd like to have these corns off my feet...
but we can't always have what we want.
- But the tables are empty. - They empty, but they reserved.
- You got a reservation? - No, but...
Then you just gonna have to wait till I sit yo' big butt down there, won't you?
Uh, excuse me? Ma'am, could we get some water?
Oh, sure, baby.
Why don't you do the ordering?
- Yeah, do the ordering. - Here you go, drink up.
- Oh, thanks. - Do you have any Pellegrino?
Oh, no, baby. That's just a little bit of psoriasis.
But boy, it sure do make my skin flake.
- Who say they want steak? Pick it up! Steak! - [Rings Bell]
So, what you two boys gonna have?
- Oh, don't pay no mind to this. - Uh, well let me see.
What about the, uh, meat loaf?
- Meat loaf! - Meat loaf!
- Ain't no mo' meat loaf. - Ain't no mo' meat loaf.
- We ain't got no mo' meat loaf. - All right.
Uh, then what about the fried chicken?
- Fried chicken! - Fried chicken!
- Ain't no mo' fried chicken. - No mo' fried chicken.
- We ain't got no mo' fried chicken. - All right. All right.
- Um, uh, then give me the ribs. - Ribs!
- Ain't no mo' ribs.
- What do you have? - We have chitlins.
Oh, that sounds great. How is it prepared?
Only but one way to prepare 'em.
First, you cut 'em out the pig, then you squeeze out the dookey...
then you turn 'em inside out and let 'em set in bleach for about two days.
And just as the funk start risin' off the top, that's when you boil 'em.
[Groaning] Oh, yeah. Well, uh, I think I'll have some soup.
- Okay. Two soups. - Two soups. Pick it up!
- [Rings] - Excuse me?
Now I said that I'd be with you. Now don't you rush me. Mama gonna have to spank you.
- I'll be with you when I finish. - Who wants spinach? Pick it up!
Excuse me, ma'am? Excuse me? I think I'll need a spoon.
- What you say, baby? - Uh, spoon?
Oh, did Mama forget to give you the silverware?
Oh, baby, I'm sorry. You want a big spoon or a little spoon?
- Uh, soup spoon. - Oh, let Mama see what she got down here for you.
Oh, here you go, baby. You want a napkin?
Uh, no-no, no, no, no!
- I'll, uh... - Use up his sleeves.
[Laughing]
- Hey, you know what? This is really good. - Oh, yeah?
Excuse me? What's in this soup?
Oh, let me see.
Oh, feel like your earring, Frances. And your hairnet too.
Oh, oh, lucky day!
Oh! Oh, look. I'm sorry, man.
- Who said they want Spam? Spam! Pick it up! - [Rings Bell]
Uh, I just can't eat here. I hope you're not offended.
Offended? No. Not really.
I know this great place on the west side. Want to check it out?
- Sounds great. - All right, let's go.
- It's your night. - Where you goin', babies?
They didn't even touch their food.
Excuse me. Can I please get a seat now?
Oh, baby, you can sit wherever you want. But the kitchen's closed.
So if you want to eat, you're gonna have to take your chubby behind somewhere else.
Somebody sayJarvis was out here?
[Chattering]
Benny! Hey, I just wanted to thank you for inviting me here.
You know, nothing makes me happier than saving the dolphins.
Except for workin' for you at Gemco, maybe, huh?
I'm sure everyone here would agree.
- Oh, no! What is he doin' here? - I'm sorry?
Excuse me, sir. This party is by invitation only.
Well, the name is Frenchy. And don't be so "Coupe de Ville."
Of course I have an invitation. I'm here with Benny.
Hey, Benny! High five! High five!
High five! Better than me. You see? I'm with him.
Now, you know I got to be, because I'm hip.
I'm slick. And all the women love... my clothes. Gotcha!
Hey, Benny! Mon souffle, man!
- What? - [Waiter, Indistinct]
Oh, man! What you got here, Benny? Ain't nothin' but some frankfurters...
wrapped in bread, man!
I thought you told me it was a classy affair. I'm glad I brought these hot wings.
- What are you... Oh, my... - Here, man.
- How the hell did you find me? - Oh, "tres simple."
When you accidentally threw my number in the trash can...
I ran outside and took down your license plate number.
Then I called the D.M.V. They give me your ex-wife's last name?
I called her. I talked to her for five minutes, and you know what she say?
Here the address, here the telephone number, just go on down there.
She say me and you deserve each other, Benny.
Oh, yeah. I owe her one. Can you excuse me a second?
- I gotta get something over here. - All right.
Well, bonjour, "mon derriere."
It's a pleasure to make your "acquaint-ance."
Uh, I'm a friend of Benny. My name is Leonard, but everybody calls me Frenchy.
- Oh, why is that? - 'Cause I took French in 11 th grade.
And I love to kiss that way.
You certainly do!
Hey, Bruce Lee! [Karate Screaming]
- A friend of Benny's. - Man, I love your movies, man.
- Hi! [Giggling] - Yeah, hi!
Say hello to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar for me.
Look, um, Frenchy, do you know that this affair cost over $1,000 a head?
- A thousand dollars a head? - Yes!
Oh, man, you gettin' ripped off. I know these...
No, no, no. That's not what I mean, all right?
This is to raise funds for the dolphins.
Oh, man! I don't tell you how to spend your money, Benny.
- But it's the Rams that's in trouble! - Oh, you are a...
Excuse me. That is a gorgeous gown.
- Well, thank you, Benny. - Uh-huh. That look like the one my mama got...
on the Home Shopping Club.
- Is that polyester? - No, actually, it's 100% raw silk.
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, maybe one day you can save up and put some on layaway.
Oh! Hey, Bruce Lee! [Karate Screams]
What's goin' on, man? How you doin'? What's you drinkin', man?
What they got there, champagne? Oh, man.
B.Y.O.B.B. "Bring Your Own Brown Bag."
That's right. I got the good stuff here.
"Cold Duck." That's right.
Give ya half the taste and twice the gas.
- [Laughs] - You like that? But hey, I'm hip.
I'm slick, and all the women want my phone number.
[Laughs] Hey, Benny. Let's toast to Benny.
- Benny! This is for you! - Cheers!
Whoo! Hey, Benny man.
I don't want you to think... I don't want you to think I'm makin' friends over there...
- and I done forgot about you... have a little swig. - [Clears Throat]
- As I was saying, I received my B.A. From S.M.U., - Yes.
- And my Ph.D. From M.I.T. - Uh-huh. Well, well! "Tres impress me."
I'll have you know that I bought my B.L.T. From Mickey D's.
Get all my ground beef from A&P...
- and once got V.D. In D.C. - Whoa!
All right, all right, all right.
I guess it's time for me to get this party started.
Hey, man! "Excusa moi."
Monsieur Massengill.
- Now, do you know any RickJames? - Oh, I don't know.
Come on, man. Trust me. That's what this party needs, man!
I used to be the tambourine player with Cephus and Reesie so I know music, man.
Now, come on, let's count it off on four, "Superfreak," right?
One, two, three, four!
- dd [Funk] - dd [Singing]
Oh, watch me now.
You ain't never seen nobody funky penguin like this, huh?
- Ah, shucks, now. Funky chicken. - dd [Continues]
I can do all the birds, man. Hey, everybody. "Soul Train."
Let's line it up, now. Come on, woman.
That's right! I want all the men on this side...
all the ladies on that side.
All right... East Coast, West Coast...
dd [Singing]
- Excuse me. Excuse me. - What, man?
You the owner of the red Pinto out there? Go move it!
Hey, man. I ain't drivin' a Pinto.
I'm drivin' a Gremlin. Excuse me!
- dd [Chanting] - What are you...
- dd [Continues] - You Jheri-Curl-juice-drippin' sharecropper!
You're turnin' my party into a fiasco!
Oh, you ain't gotta thank me, mon toupee.!
It's what I do, man! 'Cause I'm hip, I'm slick...
and all the women love my cologne!
Come on!
- dd [Chanting] - I don't know this man. I don't know him.
[All Yelling Together]
dd [Hip-Hop]
[All Laughing]
We outta here! See ya next week.
d You can do what you wanna do dd