Okay, Saint Patrick is up.
Let our annual official celebration begin.
All hail everything Irish.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Grandpa, is it true that Saint Patrick's Day
is a legal holiday in Boston because Irish people
are all alcoholics and the government
doesn't want kids walking home from school
through rivers of Irish puke?
100%.
♪ It's true ♪
♪ The marriage that we once had now is through ♪
♪ And now we're doing all that we can do ♪
♪ To keep us all together as a crew ♪
♪ Just do as we say, not as we do ♪
♪ We really thought that we were done ♪
♪ But we've just begun ♪
Listen, Jimmy, you are an Irish American.
That means uninformed people are gonna say untrue things
about your heritage all your life,
especially on Saint Patrick's Day.
They're gonna say your people are drunks.
Pug-faced potato eaters.
Humorless, uptight Catholic girls.
Leprechauns who hoard yellow moons, blue diamonds,
and green clovers.
Mouth-breathing knuckle draggers
looking for a fight.
- Your job... - Is to punch them in the face.
No.
I want you both to always remember
that you come from a great people.
And for the record, March 17th, Saint Patrick's Day,
it marks an event called Evacuation Day.
Where Bostonians celebrate Saint Patrick
by evacuating their stomachs?
No, it's the day that British forces
retreated from Boston,
giving George Washington his first victory
of the Revolutionary War.
Why did they retreat?
Because of all the puke?
There was no puke.
The British were beaten.
Until they puked?
- Hey, y'all. - Hey, Trey.
- Jimmy Jr. forgot his backpack in the car.
When he was little, Mom and Dad
used to leave him in the car.
Hey, who's the "Lord of the Rings" fan?
I love me some Gandalf.
That's who he reminds me of.
Thank you, Trey, for reducing
Ireland's beloved Saint Patrick to a senile warlock.
Dad loves Saint Patrick's Day.
I love Saint Patrick's Day too.
The Celtics have always had
a Saint Patrick's Day fundraiser,
and this year, for the first time,
I get to host it.
We got A-listers, big-money donors.
We're blowing it out for the Higgins Hospital for Children.
This year, I'm telling you right now,
the Celtics are gonna own Saint Patty's Day.
Saint Patrick's Day.
That's what I meant.
You said Patty, P-A-T-T-Y,
which is a nickname for Patricia.
However, Paddy, P-A-D-D-Y,
is a nickname for Pádraig, or Patrick.
Well, what's the difference?
What's the difference between the letter T and the letter D?
You dell me, Drey Daylor.
Douché.
Okay, I stand corrected.
Saint Paddy's Day.
But look, we're gonna have top-notch
Irish-themed entertainment and catering.
Is there such a thing as top-notch Irish catering?
I've never even come across mid-notch Irish catering.
Well, we're gonna have shamrocks and green balloons
and gift bags with bottles of Jameson
and Irish Spring soap.
We're gonna have family-sized boxes
of Lucky Charms.
We're gonna get paddy wagon photo booths
so everyone can have their own mug shots
like Irishmen of yore.
And check this out.
We hired a local band who released a track
that a chatbot wrote after scouring the internet
for the answer to the prompt,
what does it mean to be Irish?
Take a listen.
[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey ♪
♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-lay ♪
♪ It's how we end the evening ♪
♪ And how we start the day ♪
♪ Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey ♪
♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-li ♪
♪ We can't live without it ♪
♪ So we'll drink until we die ♪
I think I've heard enough.
*** more verses.
♪ Fighting, fighting ♪
♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-loo ♪
♪ If you had your Irish up ♪
♪ You'd be throwing punches too ♪
♪ Talking, talking, talking ♪
♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-lee ♪
♪ We can talk your ear off ♪
♪ So come have a drink with me ♪
♪ Drink and fight and talk all night ♪
♪ And dum-dum, diddle-diddle-dee ♪
♪ Have another swig and do an Irish jig ♪
♪ Get your Irish up like me ♪
[LAUGHS] See?
Perfectly beautiful Irish song.
I'm gonna get a phone call.
You're not gonna get a phone call.
So I imagine you were surprised to get my call.
Jim, if this is about
the "Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey" song...
A song that should be entitled
"Reductive Stereotype in the Key of C."
You got Gandalf and the cereal leprechaun
and the paddy wagon. The only thing you left out
- was "Danny Boy." - I love "Danny Boy."
Written by a butter-loving Englishman
about an Irish father who will never see his son again,
probably because of the English.
Jim, I understand how you feel.
As an Italian-American, I used to be proud of Columbus Day.
Right, but if it is ever revealed that, like Columbus,
Saint Patrick went to foreign lands to terrorize the locals,
then I will stop honoring him.
The point, I think, is that there are
knowledge gaps on all sides.
Right, But you never hear
about the Irish understanding gap.
They're always, you know, doing shots and hurling insults
and rolling in clichés.
Including lots of Irish people.
I mean, look at this place.
Okay, my dad may not be as sensitive
to this issue as I am.
Green beer coming through.
Faith and begorrah.
But because he's Irish, that's okay.
I mean, if he was hosting the Celtics gala
on Saint Patrick's Day, he could stand up and yell,
"Welcome, ya Guinness-swilling, short-tempered
peat-moss burners," and no one would care.
But he's not hosting. You are.
I think Jim may be actually trying to help you.
No.
I mean, you skipped your pickleball game
to have this conversation.
- I did. - Mm-hmm.
- And I love pickleball. - You do.
I mean, you could be competent
the very first time you play.
I did skip it to be here.
Like a friend would.
Oh, my God.
I think she's right.
Mm-mm.
Is it possible that we might be becoming...
friends?
I mean, it doesn't feel like friendship.
But it does have the markers of it.
I mean, here I am, sitting here,
listening to you for the first time
like your opinion matters.
This is a big moment.
Okay, okay, so I have a new friend,
but I still got a problem.
The gala is six days away,
and I see that it's full of land mines.
And I might not be the right person
to know how to defuse them.
Well, what if we built on this new friendship
and Jim brought his wealth
of cultural and historical knowledge
to help keep you land mine-free?
You'd do that, Jim?
Interesting idea.
Don't just criticize.
Pitch in.
I don't know that I've ever tried that.
I've never seen you do it.
Okay, I got to admit that I was triggered
by most of your party plans.
But maybe that's the problem with this world.
So you'll help, Jim?
On one condition.
I want to be named
special envoy to the Boston Celtics.
- Special what? - Envoy.
- It's like an ambassador. - No, I know what it is.
I just couldn't believe that you said it.
I don't want to be just a consultant.
I mean, the world is lousy with consultants.
Grant me that dignity, please?
Special envoy it is.
I want in on a business card.
No one uses business cards anymore.
So it shouldn't be a problem.
"Special Envoy Jim Kearney" on a business card.
Okay, if his name on a piece of paper is what gets his help,
- then deal. - Cardstock, the good stuff.
Welcome aboard,
Special Envoy Jim Kearney, friend.
Ah.
Thank you very much, friend Trey.
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God.
Did we just come up with our own special handshake?
I think we just did, friend.
This day has taken an unexpected turn.
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
It's a simple idea, really,
and one that every special envoy holds dear...
the truth.
In this case, the unadorned truth of the Irish experience.
And what cuts more cleanly to the heart
and, since this is for charity, to the pocketbook
than honesty?
Nothing, folks. Nothing.
Well, Mr. Taylor told us to do
whatever Special Envoy Kearney said.
Good. And what's the budget?
$500,000.
That'll work.
♪ ♪
- [SIGHS] - Ugh, I know.
That happens to me in elevators too.
No, that's not what I mean.
I just realized I gave Jim Kearney
$1/2 million to do this thing,
and I have no idea what he did.
Decided not to micromanage,
and that might have been a macro mistake.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[GASPS]
Oh, my God, honey.
This place looks amazing.
I knew he'd nail it.
My friend Jim.
Oh, dia dhuit, my friends.
Dia dhuit, Mr. Kearney.
- Dia... - Dhuit.
It's hello in Irish.
- You know Irish? - Just dia dhuit.
Irish, the national language of Ireland
until England started killing everyone who spoke it.
Jim, you look so great.
- Oh. - Yes.
And thank you so much for helping me out with this, man.
I needed someone to have my back, and you had it.
I appreciate you.
Helping you restage this gala
has been a gift for me.
And it has been staggering to discover
not only how many people want to help share
in the Irish celebration
but also just how much money can buy.
I mean, you know, now I know why you guys are so happy.
Whenever a problem comes up, you just chuck money at it.
Then the problem goes away.
Dude, I know.
[CHORTLES]
Well, listen, I got to set some levels
with the tech director.
Oh, oh, and thank you for the suit.
Apparently I bought him a suit.
- And he looks great. - [CHUCKLES]
Let's go work the room, shall we?
Can you do me a favor and tell me everybody's name twice,
just in case I don't remember?
Copy that. Ah.
Lana Telsup.
Uh, Telsuit?
Telsup with a P, Harvard professor,
one of the only ones who still has her job.
Best-selling book, "Women Empowered."
- Tell me that again. - "Women Empowered."
No, not the book's name, her name.
Lana Telsup.
- One more time. - Lana... she's too close now.
Lana, Julia Mariano.
And this is Trey Taylor.
Of course. Good evening.
Oh, thank you for your support.
I just loved your book, "Women Empowered."
As a woman, I felt so empowered, Lana Telsup.
[CHUCKLES]
I felt empowered too.
[CHUCKLES] Even as a man.
It's not for men.
Forget everything you read.
[SUCKS TEETH] Hmm.
Oh, Lana, dia dhuit.
Loved your book. Felt very empowered.
Not for men.
Danny Walsh is here. Danny Walsh.
Danny Walsh? I know Danny Walsh.
- Trey! - Danny! Hey!
Hey, love the thatched-roof cottage.
So Irish.
All we need now is some rain, huh? [LAUGHS]
- You remember Julia. - Oh, you look fantastic.
Oh, hello. Good to see you.
- Splendid. - [LAUGHS]
Now, I'm gonna need you bidding big
in that live auction, D-Dub.
- All about the kids. - [LAUGHTER]
I didn't come here to save money.
[LAUGHTER]
I'll see you later. I'll see you later.
Hoo-hoo! Danny Walsh is on the hook.
Mm. Jim, you really classed this whole place up.
They are gonna give till it hurts.
"For the kids" on three.
ALL: One, two, for the kids!
I thought you said on three.
Well, yeah, it's 1, 2, and then you replace
the three with "for the kids."
- Should we try again? - Yeah.
No.
All right, well, I'll see you after the presentation.
- Yep. Love you, bud. - Love you too.
Did Jim and I just say we loved each other?
Well, you said love you while walking away,
which is still saying more than see you,
but it's not I love you.
- Huh. - Watch this.
I love you.
- I see the difference. - [LAUGHTER]
Thanks for making him special envoy.
I needed him as much as he needed me.
You and me right now, "For the kids" on two. Ready?
BOTH: One.
- Two. - For the kids.
See, it just doesn't make sense.
Yeah.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Can we all make some noise for our special guest?
Boston Celtics legend Paul "The Truth" Pierce.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
- My man. - Yeah. Yeah.
And at this point, I'm gonna introduce you
to our master of ceremony of this evening, Mr. Jim...
Special envoy.
- I'm sorry, what? - Special envoy.
- Got it. - Mm.
I'd like to introduce you to the master of ceremony
this evening, my friend
and Special Envoy Jim Kearney.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thanks, Trey.
I know I speak for the entire Boston Celtics organization
when I say that there is no holiday that is
more important to us than Saint Patrick's Day.
Why?
Because Irish spirit is on our uniform.
It runs in our hallways.
It is in the very panels of the parquet floor at TD Garden.
But a lot of people don the Celtic green
without knowing what it really represents:
The spirit of Ireland.
[APPLAUSE]
If you'll allow me, I'd like to show you what I mean.
There are virtual reality headsets on your tables.
If you would please put them on.
Then we'll begin.
Behold the rolling green hills of the Emerald Isle...
CROWD: Ooh!
Beckoning you with lush tranquility.
Here is the true spirit of Ireland.
Look at the details.
It's so lush, so green.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
It's like it's all fairway.
Now see the stunning Cliffs of Moher.
So breathtaking.
Inhale the brisk, misty air.
Walk to the edge and peer over below.
- That's a long way down. - Oh, whoa!
It's so real. Oh!
Now let's walk across the River Liffey
and through the famous archway of Trinity College Dublin.
Hey, Hall-of-Famer Paul Pierce, better watch your head.
I'm tall but not that tall.
Now flip through the Book of Kells.
Marvel in the detail.
And it's only a few steps over to the lively pubs
of Dublin's Temple Bar neighborhood,
bustling with music and cheer.
See Ireland in all its glory,
from the Ring of Kerry to the Bay of Galway
to Blackrock Castle outside colorful Cork.
Okay, man, now, that's cool.
We're flying now.
Oh, my God, we're flying.
[LAUGHS]
But wait.
What is that black smoke?
What's going on?
It's 1649, and the marauders have landed.
And they want to kill you
because you answer to the pope.
[SCREAMS]
Look behind you.
It's a family of nine, very weak and gaunt,
and they're holding something.
A blighted potato.
No nutritional value.
It takes more calories to digest it
than it adds to your strength.
Do the arithmetic.
But you can't do the arithmetic because the English
have burned your school to the ground
and dismembered your teachers,
- your friends, your family. - [BLADE SHINGING]
Your entire country is starving.
It's 1847, and the famine is here.
- [BELL TOLLING] - Oh-ho, this is intense.
Let's go back to Temple Bar and tie one on.
Now you're in the brig "Saint John,"
an overcrowded immigrant ship
teeming with cholera and death.
Fleeing the famine, the brig will crash upon the rocks
just off the shore of Massachusetts
before it arrives, killing 145 souls on board.
But here you are, swimming in the frigid water
among the corpses.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Oh, my God, I need a Xanax.
Sharks!
- [SCREAMS] - Swim!
Then climbing ashore, surviving the wreck.
But your life in America will not be
the paradise you'd hoped, because...
what's that smell?
That's smoke. More flames.
You're an Irish immigrant in America,
and your textile mill is on fire.
You run for the windows to try to find escape,
but they're nailed shut.
You try to find something to break it,
but there's nothing.
Use your fists. Use your fists.
Use your head. Use your friend's head.
Break it. Break it. Break it.
Get us out of here!
- I want to live! - [GLASS SHATTERS]
You try to climb through the shards of glass,
and people push you.
Get off of me!
You can feel your skin being sliced apart
while people are bleeding on you.
- Oh, it's so real. - It's terrible.
This is the worst gala I've ever been to.
Feel that?
It's no longer the mist.
It's tears.
Irish tears.
[PEOPLE CRYING]
Oh!
I don't want to be Irish anymore.
Me neither.
Man, I'm out of here.
Wait, what?
The Red Sox would never do something like this.
Don't beat yourself up, son.
You did your best.
It's not your fault your best wasn't good enough.
It's absolutely my fault. How is this not my fault?
I'm trying to cheer you up.
It's not my fault I failed.
I failed the Celtics, the charity,
the kids, Paul Pierce, Julia,
and Irish people everywhere.
Oh, and I failed my new friend Trey.
Trey?
You met a new guy named Trey and you made friends with him?
No, no, our Trey.
Our relationship had kind of turned a corner.
We even had our own handshake.
But now we'll be back to a perfunctory chin nod.
Well, let me get you a beer.
In the tradition of our people, you can drown your sorrows.
- Not helping. - Not hurting.
- Hey, Jim, Jim. - Mm.
Trey, Trey, before you say anything...
No, I need to say... I need to say something.
- No, I need to go first. - No, let me go first.
No, I'm so sorry about tonight.
I thought I was doing a good job.
I thought I was being thorough and trenchant,
but I totally went overboard
and slaughtered the golden geese.
- Can I talk now? - Please do. I'm out of words.
Okay, all week long, you pounded me
about what the Irish have been through.
I know, and I'm so sorry. And just let me say that I...
You said you were out of words.
It was a temporary condition.
I thought I understood.
I didn't, until I saw your VR thing.
And it moved me.
It also moved Danny Walsh.
Danny Walsh was last seen
dry-heaving at the valet stand.
Danny Walsh recovered.
[GASPS]
Special Envoy Kearney.
Yes?
I wanted to come by myself to tell you
how the rest of my night went.
Well, first I puked my guts out.
But any Irishman will tell you,
that's a good way to clear your mind.
Then I had my driver drive me to Mount Auburn Cemetery,
where my Nana Méabh is buried.
She and my grandfather emigrated
from Dublin in August 1922.
I went to her grave, and I...
I poured a fifth of Jameson over it.
I keep a couple bottles in the trunk.
I said, Nana, please forgive me.
I've taken you for granted.
I mean, your heroic struggles.
And I now understand that if it wasn't for you and Grandpa,
I wouldn't be here, you know,
raiding companies and laying off thousands,
crushing their families.
But that's not important right now.
Mm.
And then I realized, maybe there's some kids
in Higgins Hospital that should get a chance
to be a hedge fund monster themselves, right?
[CHUCKLES]
So you know what this is?
A restraining order from Paul Pierce?
No, it's a check for $4 million.
4 mi... did you say mi...
Yeah, he said mi.
It's the most money the gala's ever raised.
So the presentation worked?
It worked, Special Envoy Jim.
I don't know what to say.
Say it's the luck of the Irish.
Pretty sure you shouldn't say that.
And you really were a special envoy.
Well, thank you.
- Trey? - Hmm?
You take this. You're used to it.
I can feel my fingers melting.
Jim, you got a business card?
As a matter of fact...
Nice cardstock.
Mm.
Let's get this place hammered.
Hey, barkeep!
Rest of the night, the drinks are on me.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Wow.
I mean, that was a win, a win-win, a win-win-win.
Hey, "Win-win-win" on three?
- Oh, yeah! - Nope, never again.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Shot Glass Sullivans.
♪ Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey ♪
No, I had nothing to do with this.
I tracked the band down. I love these guys.
They may not look Irish, but they are.
♪ Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey ♪
- ♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-li ♪ - Come on, sing along.
You know you want to.
♪ Without it, so we'll drink until we die ♪
♪ Paddy, Paddy, Paddy ♪
♪ Did someone call my name ♪
♪ Get on the paddy wagon ♪
♪ It's our only claim to fame ♪
♪ Fighting, fighting, fighting ♪
♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-loo ♪
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -