Welcome to "Last Week Tonight!" I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us. It has been a busy week.
Biden met with Xi Jinping,
King Charles celebrated his 75th birthday while looking at least 97,
and George Santos announced he wouldn't be seeking re-election
after an Ethics Committee report that he disputes found
he'd used campaign donations for personal purchases on Botox,
Sephora, and OnlyFans.
And honestly, I like him now and I think he should stay.
Israel's airstrikes and ground invasion continued in Gaza,
and the discourse on it here reached its absolute nadir when Fox Business
welcomed Fabio for a 10-minute interview on the subject,
including this wild digression concerning Hamas.
These people, they find so much pleasure to kill, just the worst.
10,000 times worse than the Nazis!
And also, they advertise, they publicize, they are so happy:
"I killed 10 Jew, I did that"…
It's like, at least the Nazis, they kept it kind of quiet.
What?
Hold on, Fabio!
Far be it for me to contradict a noted geopolitical expert
and former I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spokesperson,
but "At least the Nazis kept it kind of quiet?"
The Nazis kept it many things. They kept it punctual.
They kept it blonde. They kept it humorless.
And yes, they kept it tight.
They were well tailored pieces of shit.
But subtlety was, famously, very much not their calling card, Fabio.
But we're going to turn to Congress, which before recessing this week
passed a continuing resolution "to keep the government open" into the new year.
But in the runup, things got a bit weird.
It was a tense confrontation between Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin,
and the head of the Teamsters, Sean O'Brien.
They'd gone back and forth online a few months ago, with O'Brien saying
"Quit the tough guy act in these Senate hearings.
You know where to find me. Anyplace, anytime cowboy.
Hashtag little man syndrome",
with an image of Mullin standing on a box at a debate.
This week, Mullin answered that challenge.
Sir, this is a time, this is a place. If you want to run your mouth.
We can be two consenting adults. We can finish it here.
- Okay, that's fine, perfect. - You want to do it now?
- I'd love to do it right now. - Stand your butt up then.
You stand your butt up, big guy. Is that your solution?
Sit down. You're a United States senator.
That voice was Bernie Sanders, and respectfully, Bernie, shut up!
It is nice to hear you call for a ceasefire,
a lot of us thought you'd forgotten how to do that.
But shut up!
I want to see anabolic Jim Halpert get his ass handed to him.
Because do you know who Sean O'Brien is?
He's a fourth-generation Boston Teamster.
He basically came out of the womb wearing brass knuckles.
I want to see Senator Anger Management
get his jock rocked by Beantown's Mr. Clean here.
That's what I want!
While Bernie did stop the fighting, he couldn't stop the pettiness.
He made a lot of statements, right?
His statements are fiction, at best.
- Fiction? I read 'em! - What?
- Answer the question, please. - I can't understand him, to be honest.
That is so childish, it's actually brilliant.
O'Brien has got the demeanor of a mob boss,
the body of a fire hydrant, and the insults of a five-year-old.
And amazingly, it still wasn't over.
Mullin challenged O'Brien to a charity fight and later said this.
- I'm not afraid of biting. I will bite. - Biting?
If I'm in a fight, I'm gonna bite, I'll do anything. I'm not above it.
And I don't care where I bite. It's just is gonna be a bite.
You don't care where you bite? There's no other way to interpret that
than Mullin is going to bite him in the dick.
And how is that tough-guy behavior? "Watch out, he bites"
isn't what you say about a senator who everyone respects,
it's what you say about a three-year-old named Dylan
after he's had two Capri Suns.
And that wasn't Congress's only fight this week.
Kevin McCarthy allegedly elbowed
Tennessee representative Tim Burchett in the back,
with Burchett later responding,
"I prayed for him this morning because I know he's hurting",
which we all know is Southern for "I hope that shitbag sits on a nail".
And in a House hearing, Kentucky rep James Comer
got into an argument with Florida rep Jared Moskowitz,
in the course of which Comer dropped a weirdly specific insult.
You look like a Smurf here, just going around and all this stuff.
Mr. Chairman, you have… Hold on, we're not on time…
You continue to spew disinformation.
You might think that it's uncalled for an elected representative
to call a fellow congressman a Smurf.
But in Comer's defense, this is how Moskowitz was dressed that day.
I hate to say he was asking for it, but he was kind of asking for it.
You wear that outfit only if you want to be called a Smurf,
or maybe you're the special guest at a J.Crew-sponsored gender reveal,
but those are the only options.
Moskowitz hit back by posting "Gargamel was very angry today",
which, I'll be honest, is exactly what a Smurf would say.
CNN's analysis of the back-and-forth contained the amazing sentence
"For the many nonafficionados of the animated series,
Gargamel was an evil wizard who hunted Smurfs for fun",
which I'm sorry, CNN, is an insultingly
reductive misinterpretation of Gargamel's motivations.
For the record, Gargamel doesn't hunt smurfs,
he kidnaps them in order to eat them or turn them into gold.
It's not for fun. It is to seek revenge after the Smurfs not only defeated him
but subjected him to cruel humiliation in 1961's "The Smurfnapper,"
or "Le Voleur de Schtroumpf," in which the Surfs tricked him
into drinking a potion that shrank him down to the size of a Smurf.
And CNN's exclusion of that backstory
is frankly why Americans no longer trust the news media.
All in all, it was a week that showed a legislative body on its last nerve.
As a spokesperson for Mitch McConnell put it
"Today is another example of why Congress
shouldn't be in session for 5 weeks straight. Weird things happen."
To which I'd say "Totally!"
But also, did you know that most people, and this is true,
work 10 times that many weeks in a row
and manage not to physically or emotionally assault their colleagues?
And so much of this is entirely self-inflicted,
given that House Republicans spent weeks
tearing each other apart over the choice of House speaker.
This session raises the question of whether Republicans can govern at all.
And it's not just me saying that. Here's Texas Republican Chip Roy.
One thing!
I want my Republican colleagues to give me one thing, one,
that I can go campaign on and say we did.
One!
Anybody sitting in the complex,
if you want to come down to the floor and come explain to me,
one material, meaningful, significant thing
the Republican majority has done besides
"I guess it's not as bad as the Democrats".
He's right. In fact, he's so right,
I'm not even going to comment on how "Chip Roy"
sounds like an ice cream sandwich they'd sell at French Burger King.
Because instead of spending the last year actually serving people,
Republicans wasted a huge amount of time bickering amongst themselves
and basically running around with their dicks in their hands.
Dicks that, we sadly now know, at least one senator is in no way afraid to bite.
And now, this!
And Now:
You'll Never Guess Where Fox's Pete Hegseth Went to College.
Joe Biden attempted to say we're going to cancel $10,000 in student loans.
My alma mater, Princeton, they didn't do this when I was there.
An elite education would be Princeton, where I went.
I actually think it was 33,000 when I first went to Princeton.
The most important thing about me is that I went to Princeton.
The history department at Princeton University, where I went to school.
A professor of mine at Princeton. Andrew, you and I went to Princeton.
I went to Princeton. I ended up going to Princeton.
I wanted to make sure you all know I went to Princeton.
- Did you play basketball? - I did.
- At Princeton! - He went to Princeton, guys.
Pete went to Princeton.
You can count the legs. But maybe I'm missing something.
- I don't know. - That's why he went to Princeton.
I thought I was going to be an NBA player, so I wanted to go to Princeton.
I went and I sat on the bench for four years.
"Coach, why don't I play more?" He said "Why don't you get better?"
I played at Princeton. I'm a Minnesota Gophers fan.
- He played at Princeton. - I sat on the bench.
I talked to a basketball coach yesterday.
I'm going to have more about this next week
who said that he coached against you when you were at Princeton,
and you were not in the scouting report.
Our own Pete Hegseth, who did play basketball at Princeton, by the way.
On the bench!
Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns shopping:
an easy and enjoyable way to forget that you, and everyone you know,
will one day die.
It concerns one of the most ubiquitous places to go shopping in this country,
dollar stores, the discount outlets
where you can get a variety of goods at sometimes a dollar or less,
and that position themselves with upbeat materials like this.
Whether you're making a quick fill-in stop or stocking up for the week,
Dollar General helps you save on the things you need
and the unexpected items that make shopping fun.
Something new for the house, a greeting card,
or a surprise for someone special.
Ultimately, we love helping our customers save time and money.
It's what drives us.
That's why more than 125.000 people have joined our team,
and we're growing every day.
They really captured a wide array of definitely human people in that ad.
They've got an old lady, a nurse,
a man who absolutely does not have kids, Molly Ringwald,
and some idiot about to buy a bouquet of half inflated balloons.
Today, two companies dominate this particular retail landscape:
Dollar General and Dollar Tree, which also owns Family Dollar.
These two corporations operate more than 35.000 dollar stores in the U.S.,
more than all Walmart, Starbucks, and McDonald's combined.
And they have earnings to match.
Last year, Dollar General made 2.4 billion in profit,
while Dollar Tree made 1.6 billion.
And their growth has been fueled by targeting low-income customers,
singling out communities that have been marginalized economically,
often rural areas and neighborhoods of color.
A former Dollar General CEO once described their customer base
as being "in a permanent recession",
and their current CEO summed up the business like this.
I would tell you we do very good in good times,
and we do fabulous in bad times.
It's a store that tends to do better when its customers are doing worse.
Which isn't something that really requires use of the word "fabulous".
"Fabulous" is best used to describe a quirky hat,
or the cast of "The Golden Bachelor",
or the fact that Kim Cattrall made a million dollars
to sit in a car and not talk to Sarah Jessica Parker.
But a company bragging about how it can profit off financial hardship?
Not so much.
You might've heard stories
about how dollar stores impact the communities that they are in,
where they can be the only food retailer around.
In some cases, that may be because they've driven others out.
In others, it could be because they've entered a market that's a food desert.
But either way, customers often turn to these stores
for their convenience and low prices,
although those prices can be a bit misleading,
as this clip from a few years ago demonstrates.
At Dollar Tree, a two-pack of Irish Spring soap costs a dollar.
At Target, an eight-pack costs 3.99.
But if you look very closely, the bars sold at Dollar Tree, they're smaller.
If you do the math, Irish Spring by the ounce
is actually more expensive at Dollar Tree.
Despite the promise of value, you can end up getting less for more.
I will say in the case of Irish Spring, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I don't want more of something that smells like a citrus bergamot fart
and leaves these moneymakers ashy as hell.
But if all you can afford for soap is a dollar right now,
a dollar store will sell it to you.
We're not gonna focus on the location or pricing of dollar stores tonight.
We're going to focus on how they are run.
If you've ever set foot in one you know they can look like a total disaster.
I really don't know where everybody else is getting their Dollar Trees,
'cause every single one I've ever walked into has looked like this.
Yes, shopping at the DG.
I need staples and they're about 20 feet down that way.
My God, why does my Dollar Tree look like caca?
Look at this Dollar Tree. What the fuck?
Yeah, "what the fuck" is right. Those look less like functioning stores
and more like "American Ninja Warrior: Retail Edition".
They look like someone picked up a dollar store, shook it,
and dumped it out into another dollar store.
And a quick shout out to the automated TikTok voice there
trying to say the word "caca".
She's doing her absolute best, that is all that we can ask of her
that, and maybe to say naughty things like…
- Penis. - Or…
- Vagina. - Or…
Charles Manson was low-key hot
in a character actor Griffin Dunne kind of way.
Exactly.
To an extent that you may not realize, that chaos isn't a one-off mistake,
or the fault of those stores' employees
it is the natural end product of how the companies behind these stores
choose to operate them.
And if you think it can be bad shopping at a dollar store,
it is nothing compared to what it's like working there.
It's been said that working at Dollar General
may be the worst retail job in America.
If these stores are this ubiquitous, make this much money,
and are this terrible to work for,
as we get ready for Black Friday, let's talk about dollar stores.
Let's start with the fact that one of the key ways that they squeeze margins
isn't on tiny soaps, it's on labor costs.
They often have two employees,
or sometimes even just one, manning the entire store.
Watch as this Dollar Tree customer discovers in real time
that there is only one person working there.
- Only worker here. - Only worker.
Doing this with no shelves, no nothing, look at this.
She's the only worker here.
Everything, guys.
These people don't even work here and they're helping her.
Look at this. Walls of boxes.
All by herself.
Yeah, of course, the stores are gonna look like that
when there's only one person there to do everything.
It's so bad, random dudes are pitching in to help her for free.
Imagine how monumentally shitty a store would have to be
for you, a customer, to walk in and say "Fuck, they need me".
It reminds me of that famous Mr. Rogers quote
"When you walk into a dollar store that looks like Chernobyl after the blast,
look for the helpers, you will always find people who are helping".
And incidentally, the people employed by dollar stores
are not making much more than those volunteer helpers.
Just watch as a former Dollar General worker
points out the disparity between what the top execs make,
and what the rank-and-file do.
Y'all out there riding in damn expensive cars.
Y'all can go out, eat crabs and steak
and filet mignon and escargot and all this shit.
Meanwhile, y'all workers are eating ramen noodles.
Come on now. Y'all making millions.
Think about it. I want everybody to think about it.
Let me know when did a Dollar General worker
make more than 20.000 in a whole year?
Don't worry, I'll wait.
Excellent! I've never heard a harsher insult
than simply listing out foods you assume someone else eats:
"Crabs, steak, filet mignon, escargot, and all this shit".
She's describing a cartoon rich person and it's devastating.
I have no doubt that she would take one look at me and go
"Mushy peas, figgy pudding, and all that milk".
And I'd be wrecked.
And the thing is, she's right about the numbers there,
the median compensated employee for Dollar General
makes around $18,000 a year.
And a report two years ago found that 92% of Dollar General's staff
was making less than $15 an hour.
That is a higher percentage than every other company they surveyed.
On top of that, lawsuits and press reports
have repeatedly documented Dollar General
severely restricting the total hours it allocates in a week to non-managers,
and then expecting store managers, who are salaried,
to cover the rest without overtime.
And without enough people to do everything,
from running the register, to receiving truck deliveries,
to stocking the shelves, to keeping prices updated,
and cleaning the bathrooms, things can quickly fall apart.
Watch as this assistant manager
sends up what is basically an S.O.S. to the company.
Okay, this is a video for help
to anyone inside this company that actually cares.
We are overloaded with freight,
and we don't have enough hours in the week
or people in the week to put them away.
We are completely overwhelmed. The back room is like this.
I can't even get to the cooler, and I've got a milk delivery outside.
So, hopefully, it all goes out on the sales floor.
I don't fucking know.
Again, this video is for anybody in the company that cares.
This is Travis Bennett,
the assistant manager at store 1-1-3-2-0.
It is not good if your employees
are making TikToks that look like hostage videos.
Because that is not what TikTok is for.
It's for finding out which anime character strangers would pork,
and seeing what you'd look like positively snatched.
But the problem with addressing that to "anybody in the company that cares"
is that it sure seems like these companies do not care at all.
It is hard to overstate the indifference these chains
can show to their employees' working conditions.
Not just in their stores, but in some of their distribution centers, too.
You may remember us showing you video
of rats inside the Family Dollar store in White Haven
and the company's distribution center in West Memphis, Arkansas.
Take another look.
Federal inspectors say they have found more than a thousand rodents
inside the same distribution center.
My goodness!
Set aside the thousand rodents, which, I know, is already a big ask,
I just want to take a second to acknowledge this little diva.
Look at her, not giving two shits about being fed a Pringle.
Other rats would pounce at the sight of that chip, but not her.
She's giving it a blank look that says "Honey, not even at my lowest".
She has got standards, she has got taste,
she is "Ratatouille 2: Absolute Food Bitch".
But that FDA inspection
not only found that more than a thousand dead rodents
had been recovered at that distribution center last year,
but also that the company's own records
showed that it collected more than 2,300 rodents there
the spring and summer before, demonstrating, and I quote
"a history of infestation".
But at that point,
it's less an infestation and more a flourishing community of rats.
Establishing an internal order. Building out their environment.
Probably exploring the arts.
This was both a massive problem for Family Dollar
and a genuinely inspiring story of rodent fortitude.
The company wants you to know
that they've since shut down that distribution center
and are thoroughly remodeling it.
But that's just one example in a horrifying pattern for dollar stores.
Dollar General also has had to temporarily close multiple stores
and a distribution center for rat infestations,
and at one store in Oklahoma, birds nested in the ceiling
and, I am so serious, started shitting all over the merchandise.
Not just that, when the staff told higher-ups in the company,
they say that they were ordered, not to throw the soiled products out,
but to clean them, in some cases by bringing them home to wash,
and then return them to the shelves.
And when that store's manager asked for help in removing the nests,
he says he got the sense he was being ignored
because "the birds weren't stealing anything".
And look, there are plenty of reasons to kick anyone or anything
out of a store even if they aren't stealing anything
and number one on that list is they're pooping everywhere!
I don't care if it's a bird or a toddler.
The second shit is part of the equation, they got to go!
Legally, I do have to tell you,
Dollar General was asked about that bird story,
and its response was that it takes "prompt action"
when stores make maintenance or repair requests.
Which, as statements go, sounds to me a little bit like… what's the word?
- Caca. - That's right. Thank you very much.
And if you're thinking "Okay, I'm convinced,
these stores sound like a terrible place to work",
I'm not nearly done yet.
Some Dollar General employees have said they are unable
to control the thermostats at stores,
and others say they don't have functioning heat and cooling systems.
The heat would cause all the candy to melt.
And I don't know if it was negatory on the medications,
but I mean I know they gotta be climate controlled.
My assistant manager was sitting in there with ice packs down her pants
and her shirt and a towel 'cause we were just dripping in sweat.
That's not great!
An ice pack down the pants is not how you imagine a day at work going.
It is, however, how I imagine these two freaks fuck.
And when you take all this together, the heat, the understaffing,
the boxes everywhere meaning that you can't move around properly,
it is pretty clear these places aren't just unpleasant, they're unsafe.
Dollar General is on OSHA's severe violators list,
racking up more than $25 million in proposed fines since 2017
for alleged violations spanning dozens of states.
And as for Dollar Tree, in that same timeframe,
OSHA's identified more than 400 violations in its stores,
imposing more than $13 million in fines.
I have to say,
Dollar Tree recently entered a settlement with OSHA
and claims that it's "implementing substantial safety policies,
procedures, and training to safeguard the wellbeing of our associates".
Although you should know, they had a similar settlement back in 2015
and made similar promises back then,
so at best, they are a slow learner here.
And there is one last indignity for dollar store employees,
and that is the threat of violence.
Dollar stores have become magnets for crime and killing,
with employees at Dollar General saying they've been "stabbed,
shot, held at gunpoint, punched, and pistol-whipped on the job".
And when a robbery does happen,
the response from corporate can be less than compassionate.
Remember that worker
talking about how the bosses were eating filet mignon?
Here she is talking about the day her store was robbed.
I was robbed at the same Dollar General where I currently worked.
I picked up my phone and called 9-1-1.
I locked the door,
I secured the customers, I followed protocol.
Called our manager, she showed up.
I called our district manager like two to three times.
She didn't answer.
But when my manager called, she answered.
The first question was "Is everybody okay?"
The second thing she said
"What are we gonna do about reopening the store?"
We haven't even been robbed even doggone 10 to 15 minutes
and you're already talking about opening up the store?
That is ridiculous.
An armed robbery is a traumatic event people need time to recover from.
It's not something you can just ignore, like a spam call,
or a broken lightbulb, or any show on Apple TV.
Did you know Octavia Spencer starred as a true crime podcaster
on a show called "Truth Be Told" for three seasons?
Of course, you didn't! It's Apple TV, where celebrities go to hide.
While researching this piece, dollar store workers
repeatedly told us how they feared for their safety.
And while these companies say that they take security concerns seriously,
experts have said that the level of violence may be down
to how these stores are set up and organized.
Having so few people working there, with no security guard present,
makes them an incredibly enticing target.
In Texas, a Dollar General employee who had a coworker die in her arms
claimed in a lawsuit that her store had "no lights at the back of the building"
and "cash registers that didn't have panic buttons",
and that "the sign announcing a remotely monitored security system
was a sham".
At that point they might as well have just put up one of those inflatable floppy men
holding a "Plunder me, babe!" sign.
At almost every turn, dollar stores seem to treat their workers
with either stunning indifference or outright contempt.
And some are getting so fed up, they are walking out,
leading to stories like this.
We saw dozens of people trying to go inside Family Dollar this afternoon,
only to find the doors locked and no one inside.
Garfield resident Dodi Byrne went to Family Dollar on Ted Avenue yesterday
only to find this sign reading "Staff quit, y'all be easy".
Yeah, and that is not at all uncommon.
At another Family Dollar in Nebraska,
staff left this sign on the door "We quit! Sorry for the inconvenience"
And at a Dollar General in Maine, workers left a series of signs reading
"Closed indefinitely because Dollar General doesn't pay a living wage
or treat their employees with respect"
and "Capitalism will destroy this country.
If you don't pay people enough to live their lives,
why should they slave away for you?"
All of which is punctuated perfectly by the excited, "Now hiring!" sign,
which really has its work cut out for it.
And while those workers are justifiably walking out,
others are choosing to fight back.
Over the past few years groups like Step Up Louisiana
and the Union of Southern Service Workers
have staged strikes and protests against Dollar General.
But the company has pushed back hard, in all the usual union-busting ways.
In Connecticut, when workers tried to organize,
Dollar General violated federal law by "firing a pro-union worker,
illegally surveilling and interrogating employees,
and threatening to close the store."
They also make all new employees watch a video
where they shit-talk the very idea of joining a union,
which one worker filmed, and posted online.
We don't believe that our employees need a third party or union
to come between us and them.
Our employees don't need a union
to have their voices heard here at Dollar General.
I'm sorry, your employees are able to get their voices heard?
Are you sure about that?
'Cause it seems like the guy pleading for aid from TikTok strangers
might really beg to differ on that point.
So, what is there to do?
Since 2019, at least 75 communities, many of them lower income,
have actually blocked proposals to build new dollar stores.
But the truth is, most of these stores are unlikely to go anywhere.
Remember, in many areas, they're the only retailer around.
So, much more attention needs to be paid
to what workers have been saying and for years now.
Dollar store workers at Step Up Louisiana
have developed a list of what they are asking for from these companies,
from things like having safe staffing levels,
to creating safe store infrastructure,
to giving workers a right to heal after violent incidents.
None of which is really asking much.
And until such time as these companies actually do these things,
they should, at the very least, have to be much more transparent
when it comes to retail and workplace experience that they're providing.
Hi there. Here at Dollar Bucket,
whether you're making a quick fill-in stop
or stocking up for the week,
we've got everything you need, like this roll of toilet paper,
or an adorable bar of Irish Spring.
Dollar Bucket helps you save on the things you need,
but also on the special treats that make life a little more, well, fun.
Like this flaccid balloon, or this bag of Skittle.
- You mean Skittles? - Nope.
At Dollar Bucket, whatever you need, we've got it!
Somewhere.
And always at the right price.
Towels? A dollar. Batteries? A dollar.
This rat? A dollar!
Gatorade Frost Arctic Blitz? A dollar!
This other rat? A dollar!
That last rat was pregnant, so that's a twofer.
We love helping our customers save time and money.
That's why over 125,000 people have joined our team,
and we're growing every day.
I don't work here.
I'm trying to get the milk refrigerated before it goes bad.
This place is fucked.
You better hurry. We've got another shipment coming in.
Dollar Bucket's a proud provider of jobs in our communities.
Take Brenda here. She's our longest-serving employee.
Hey, Brenda. How long have you been with us?
I've been here for three weeks. Okay? And it's a nightmare.
And I've got ice packs in places only God and my husband should see.
I've been shitting in an adult diaper, because I can't go to the bathroom.
We've been robbed three times since lunch, and we still open!
If we closed every time we got robbed, the store would never be open,
and you would not have a job, young lady.
I've been here so long, I don't know what day it is.
keep hearing voices screaming, "Brenda, can you help me?"
- Brenda! Please! Brenda? - Is that the voice?
This is a video for help, to anyone inside this company that cares.
I can't leave the stockroom. There are too many boxes in the way.
And also, the birds won't let me leave.
God, Brenda. Oh god.
- Is he okay? - What's happening to Travis?
Doesn't matter.
What you don't understand is that your lives are insignificant.
Your pain is our fuel. The more you suffer, the better we do.
This company was built on pain, sweat, tears,
and the tiniest little bars of doll soap
you've ever seen in your worthless goddamn lives.
Number one, go fuck yourself.
I know it ain't happened in a long time because that suit is tight.
- It happened. - It did? When?
- This morning, Brenda! - Really?
And you're gonna have to pay a dollar for that!
I'll pay nothing! 'Cause I quit. Can you read that?
- I can, it says, "I quit". - I quit. Buh-bye, bitch.
- Buh-bye bitch! - Buh-bye!
Good-bye!
You want a job? We can pay you in rat babies.
How many?
Dollar Bucket: Giving everyone less, while we get more.
Moving on. Finally tonight,
a quick update on New Zealand, my absolute favorite Zealand.
As you know, two weeks ago,
we entered their Bird of the Century competition on behalf of the Puteketeke
a weird-looking bird with bad hair and a nervous stomach,
truly, a relatable king.
It also carries its babies on its back, like it's a pool inflatable.
This is an incredible bird.
And we campaigned for it by, among other things,
flying a banner ad over the beaches of Ipanema,
and erecting billboards in Mumbai, Tokyo, and Paris, France,
as well as the Paris of America, Manitowoc, Wisconsin.
This week, the results finally came in.
Forest & Bird is proud to announce
that New Zealand's Bird of the Century isŧ
the Puteketeke!
John Oliver will be thrilled.
Yes, I am thrilled about it! Even if you guys clearly aren't!
And I'm also a little bit relieved.
Because we have a pretty horrendous record when it comes to contests.
We entered a duck stamp competition
with a bunch of paintings that either got disqualified or got zero votes.
And we entered a contest to predict when this giant wooden tripod
would break through the ice of a frozen Alaskan river and we were wildly off.
So we really needed this win.
And just to be clear, we didn't just win this by a little.
We won it by a lot.
The billboard in Mumbai, the plane in Brazil,
and this costume all paid off.
And it wasn't even close.
This shows the amount of voters the runners-up got
from the Fantail and 7,800
to the second-placed Kiwi at just 13,000.
But the Puteketeke soared to victory with more than 290,000 votes.
Yes, it's true, 290,000 votes!
For context, the Puteketeke got over three times as many votes by itself
as all the other top 10 birds combined.
When you talk about historic, all-time levels of dominance,
the conversation now begins and ends with Michael Jordan,
Lionel Messi, Serena Williams, and the Puteketeke.
Those are now the GOATs. The best to ever do it.
No one else even comes close.
Apparently, verified votes were cast in 195 countries,
that is two more than the current membership of the United Nations.
I will say, there was some voter fraud that was thankfully caught,
including 40,000 votes cast by a single person for the Rockhopper Penguin.
And come on. This Rockhopper Penguin?
You committed bird election fraud
for the only penguin in the animal kingdom with frosted tips?
I could see doing it for the Royal Spoonbill,
that's a quality bird, but not one of these altpunk assholes.
Also, apparently, 45 valid votes were cast by people
giving the name John Oliver, all for the Puteketeke, except one,
which was for the New Zealand Fairy Tern, a bird that looks like this.
I don't know what you're talking about. I think he's pulling it off.
Everything about the way New Zealand handled this contest was perfect.
Other birds conceded this week in a variety of delightful ways.
The team behind the Takahe posted this "Anchorman" meme
of their bird saying "Well, that was unexpected".
Which isn't quite right.
The line from the movie is "Boy, that escalated quickly".
And frankly, it's that kind of lack of attention to detail
that might explain why the Takahe lost this contest so badly.
Meanwhile, campaigners for the Kaki posted this video
of their birds surrounding a picture of me,
and then pecking at it on the ground.
But my favorite response came from the New Zealand Breakers,
a professional basketball team,
whose mascot was campaigning for the Kea Parrot.
They delivered a concession speech on Wednesday
that really met the gravity of the moment.
I'd like to just read a statement if I could from Cheeky the Kea.
He's not able to speak today.
Over the last week,
I have been spearheading an election campaign
for Kea as Bird of the Century.
This morning, it has been necessary to concede this election
and whilst it's not the result the Kea community wanted,
it is now important that we all get behind the Puteketeke.
That is magnificent.
From the fact that someone had to set up the step-and-repeat backdrop
and invite journalists to this very important press conference,
to the line "He's not able to speak today",
as if the Kea is normally a real chatterbox
but is too broken to comment right now,
to the reverent tone the she's employing there,
as if she's genuinely worried there's a chance of rioting in the streets
over this result unless she can calm everyone down.
Now, this contest is overseen by the conservation organization
Forest & Bird to raise awareness of New Zealand's magnificent wildlife,
and raise money to protect it.
I'm happy to say
they got hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations this year.
If you want to keep supporting them, you can give to them directly,
or there's another option, because they've been partnering
with a company to produce metal sculptures of the winning bird,
with a portion of the proceeds going to their conservation efforts.
Here is last year's sculpture of the triumphant Rock Wren.
Would you like to see the sculpture they've made for this year's winner?
'Cause here it is! A magnificent Puteketeke,
with, as you can see, me riding on its back like one of its babies.
And, as the website points out with a helpful animation,
the John Oliver part can be removed if you so choose.
Which is magnificent. Would that we all had that option.
If you want one, with or without me on it,
you can order a sculpture at this website right here.
We actually have one for each member of our studio audience tonight.
That is right!
You get a bird statue with a removable John Oliver option!
Everybody gets a bird statue with a removable John Oliver option!
This has been tremendous fun.
And there is really only one more thing for us to do right now.
Because we've seen a gracious concession speech,
and that is important in a democracy.
But now it's time for a victory speech from the worthy winner.
So please, won't you join me?
BIRD OF THE CENTURY
Ladies and gentlemen,
on behalf of myself and New Zealand's new Bird of the Century,
I want to thank everyone who voted.
When we first decided to campaign for the Puteketeke,
having randomly stumbled across it after googling
"New Zealand bird weird"
we never could have anticipated the outpouring of support.
So, tonight isn't just the Puteketeke's victory,
it's your victory, as this election represents
the collective wishes of good, birdloving people from 195 countries.
I'd like to thank our worthy opponents who graciously conceded.
The Kiwi. The Takahe. The Kea.
And yes, even the Rockhopper Penguin.
Thank you, birds, for your generosity, but also know that you will die
in the century that wears the Puteketeke's name.
And finally, I'd like to thank the Puteketeke itself.
Poot, my old friend, none of this would have been possible
without your Sid Viciousesque hairstyle,
your feather-bone puking, or just how weird you are at sex.
You are a deeply odd bird, and at the end of the day,
I think that's what people responded to.
That, and just how fun it is to say your name.
So, let me say this loud and proud once more: Puteketeke today.
Puteketeke tomorrow. Puteketeke for the next 100 years.
We did it! We did it!
That is our show, thank you so much for watching,
we're off next week, back December 3rd, good night!
Puteketeke!
God, look at us! Aren't we a pair?