- Dennis.
Ah, I see you also appreciate a nice backyard.
- Jack don't.
- What just because I'm married doesn't mean
I can't enjoy the view.
- You're the boss.
- Ah, yes come to daddy.
- Oh, morning dad.
- You want me to drive you uptown,
so you can hit on your mom?
- So, I decided dyeing my hair was
the perfect way to do research on an article
about how blondes are treated differently.
I've already noticed a big change in the way people...
Dad, I'm telling you my idea,
you're not even looking at me.
- Try turning around.
- Sorry pumpkin, it sounds like a terrific article.
- Oh, you think so?
- Oh, I do it's daring, and creative,
and the next time you dye your hair,
put out a memo.
- What's with him?
- He's old.
- So, does Elliot know about this?
- He hasn't seen it yet.
He's doing a shoot all day at the Bronx zoo.
- Oh, you know the rhino there has a pet kitten named rocky.
You learn a lot if you rent the headset.
- Friends, clear your calendars.
Two nights from tonight, the a&e network
is airing my biography.
- Oh, Nina that's great.
- Bottom of the barrel week continues with Nina Van horn.
- It's called comeback week, you little hedgehog.
- Oo, you know the hedgehog at the zoo is pregnant?
Artificial insemination.
- Anyway, I'm going to throw a fabulous party
here at the office,
and we'll drink champagne, and we'll watch the...
Maya, you're blonde.
- Yes!
- Wow, and may I say you look hot.
- Thank you, Nina.
That's so sweet.
Women are jealous, feel threatened by new me.
- Just think, an entire TV show dedicated to me.
Just me.
Me, me, me.
It's really quite humbling.
- Calm down, they also did one on yosemite Sam.
- Your family must be very excited.
- Oh yes.
Everyone on the farm is gonna be watching.
My pa even hired the slow boy from the feed store
to hold the antenna.
- Oh my god,
that was the lobby.
My old figure skating partner is on her way up.
- Who?
- In high school, Nicole and I were the most promising
skating team in the Hudson valley region.
Pure magic on ice.
We were gonna make people forget
they've even heard of Cranston and popowitz.
Yeah.
Of course, I had a secret no one could've ever guessed.
- You were in love with her.
- I was in love with her.
Till one day, a freak accident put an end to it all.
And she never spoke to me again.
- Hey.
- Can I help you, ma'am?
- Dad, it's me.
- Oh for the love of god, put on a hat.
- Finch, there's a woman here to see you.
- Oh my god, that's her.
What do I do?
- Listen to your head,
but don't be afraid to follow your heart.
- Yeah, great.
This guy doesn't even recognize his own daughter.
- Dennis?
- Nicole.
Hey, how are ya?
- Good. Good. You?
- Oh, I can't complain.
So, how did you know where to find me?
- Your web page.
I loved the tribute to your cat.
- I thought he deserved the proper e-burial.
- Anyway, I sort of had a favor to ask.
It's about skating.
- You still compete?
- I'm training for the over-30 mid-state amateurs.
- Oh wow.
- I know.
It's going to be tough.
That's why I came to you, I need your help.
I want you to coach me and Justin.
- What? Who's Justin?
- My skating partner.
See, the competition's in two days,
and we're having problems.
- Coach you and another guy?
- Mm-hm.
Don't get me wrong.
Justin is great technically,
and he lifts me like I weigh nothing.
- Well, I could've lifted you,
I just thought that would pandering, yes.
- It would be pandering, I know.
What he's missing is the flare,
the passion that you always had.
I thought maybe you could teach him that.
- Well, I can't.
I'm much too busy here.
- Well, if you won't help, you won't.
It's just that I figured you owed me one.
- I owe you?!
- That's right, or don't you remember
fracturing my pelvis?!
- Hairline fracture! Hairline!
And I remember someone throwing away years
of hard work because of one little spill.
We were a team!
We were going places!
- You couldn't believe we were going anywhere
after that trainwreck!
- Would I have bothered designing and sewing
our costumes, if I didn't?
- Maybe.
Didn't you sew other people's costumes, too?
- Oh, so now there's something wrong with a kid
starting his own business.
- Maya?
In here.
How was the zoo shoot?
- It was useless.
None of the animals would come out.
Except for one spider monkey,
who spent the afternoon pleasing himself.
Oh baby, you want a drink?
- No, just sleep.
I've got a swimwear shoot all day tomorrow at the aquarium.
Oh god, too tired to move.
- Are you sure?
- But then again, you snooze you lose.
Wow, that was great.
- Kind of fun with the blonde hair, right?
- Yeah, it was like having sex with a total stranger.
It was nice.
- Wait, were you imagining I wasn't me?
- Well, yeah.
- Because of the hair?
- Well, yeah.
- Elliot!
- Maya, there's nothing wrong with having a little fantasy.
It's healthy.
Especially, when two people love each other.
- What was I?
Some tattooed floozy in thigh-high boots
that you picked up at some bar?!
- No.
- Then what?
- A naked blonde stranger having sex with me.
Men don't need all that extra stuff.
- I have to say, I'm insulted.
- Didn't we just have a great time?
- Yeah, but you were pretending that I was someone else.
- If I fantasize, it shows that I feel
at home enough with you to forget about my inhibitions.
- Oh, and I suppose in this sorted fantasy
I had some sort of slutty name.
- You didn't introduce yourself,
and I thought,
"hey, I'm gettin' some, why push it?"
- Oh!
- Ow, ow!
Put me down.
- Then how am I supposed to lift you?
You don't lift her.
You allow her to fly.
- Dennis, you came!
Justin, this is the guy who's gonna help us.
- Help us do what?
Find the lucky charms?
- Hey, if your boyfriend's not cool with this,
I'll split.
- I'm not her boyfriend.
We're just skating partners.
- And we're very grateful you came.
Aren't we?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Don't be grateful.
I didn't come here as a favor.
It was the call of the ice.
The smooth, sweet, silky ice.
- Nina, check it out.
I got this to watch your biography in style.
It's the biggest, most advanced,
flat screen television, ever.
It's got instant replay,
picture in picture,
and it only weighs 12 pounds.
12 pounds.
What, are you jealous?
- No, it's about ed McMahon.
- Nina, when will you learn?
They never leave their wives.
- No, it's nothing like that.
My friend at a&e just called,
and apparently ed pushed an old woman
out of the way of a speeding cab,
and ended up getting hit himself.
An ambulance just took him to the hospital.
- That's horrible,
but I don't quite see how...
- If he dies, a&e is going to air his biography
instead of scheduled programming.
And the scheduled programming is me.
- Oh, that's terrible,
but I'm sure wherever Ed's family is,
their prayers are with you.
- Hi.
- How was the aquarium?
- Oh, they threw us out.
Apparently, my flash enraged the giant squid.
Still mad about last night?
- Well, actually I've given it a lot of thought,
and here.
- What's this?
- A security guard uniform.
I was hoping you'd put it on.
- Ha, ha, ha, I get it.
You're teaching me a lesson.
You're giving me a taste of my own medicine.
- No, it's not like that.
See, I know that last night I was being close-minded,
or as my therapist said, I had my judge's robe on.
I realized that you were just exploring a healthy fantasy,
and now I know that it's safe for me to explore mine.
- Really?
- Yeah, so...
You in?
- Are you kidding? This is great.
- Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
It's like this.
You're walking your beat, and you see me
a bookish co-ed with an untapped wild side.
And you, security officer Ken,
think I've just shoplifted.
Of course I didn't, but you have to search me anyway.
- I'm here to please.
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Get dressed, get dressed.
- Officer Ken it is.
What's this?
- The thing you think I stole.
- Toothpaste?
- Well, we needed some anyway.
- See that Justin?
Do you see that?!
You see how Randy's eyes never leave tai
while she's in the air?
He's using his eyes to guide her to safety.
That's skating.
Skating!
- I've been watching tapes all day.
I'm sick of this!
- Sit your ass down, fella!
No one dismissed
all right, take five, cool off.
- Dennis, will we ever get there?
- You're already there.
You always were.
From the first day I laid eyes on you.
- Oh, you are so sweet.
I'm gonna owe you big time, if we win this thing.
- Maybe in a way, we've already won.
- Hi, hi!
Dennis, how does your little friend like the TV?
Have you ever seen such clarity?
- Actually, my parents just bought one...
- Well, this one's better.
Now, fasten your seat belts while
I demonstrate the surround around sound.
- Jack, I need to take the afternoon off
to go to the hospital.
- Get well soon.
- No, to find out ed McMahon's condition.
I keep calling the hospital,
but they won't tell me anything.
- You'll be back on your feet in no time.
Okay, it's gonna sound like crickets are everywhere.
Don't panic.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, no problem.
- Hey, nice uniform.
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah, you know, I did a little
security work myself recently.
- I'm Elliot.
- I'm Ken.
- Security officer Ken?
- I thought we agreed fantasies were healthy and desirable.
- Yes, when it's about an anonymous made-up someone else,
not a specific someone else who is six foot two,
and works in the lobby.
- Okay, so now you get to decide what's in my fantasies?
- I'm not saying that.
You can fantasize about any imaginary stranger.
- And that's it?
- No, you can also make me a composite
of really famous people that you have
no chance of ever meeting.
- Oh, Elliot.
You're being silly.
- Oh, am I?
Fine, then back at ya.
Tonight, you're Nina.
That's right, tonight I'll be getting in bed
with Maya gallo, but I'll be making love to Nina Van horn.
And after that, it's Meg from accounting,
and after that, the Jamaican girl who delivers the toner.
So, who's next for you, Maya?
The sky's the limit.
- I'll just stick with Ken.
- Mr. McMahon?
Ed, can you hear me?
Dear god, I know that it would be selfish of me
to ask for this man to live,
but if you could just allow him to linger
until nine o'clock tonight.
Eight o'clock central.
I would be forever grateful.
Hail Mary, the holy ghost, David and Goliath,
and all the rest of them, amen.
- You buzzed, Mr. McMahon?
- Get this religious freak out of here!
I'm trying to get some sleep.
- Oh my god, I've brought him out of his coma.
- Coma?!
You told me it was a concussion!
What year is this?
Are my kids still alive?
- Just calm down, Mr. McMahon.
- Did Johnny send flowers?
Are those his?!
You. Out.
- Feel better, ed.
- Who is that woman?!
- Oh, tune in tonight and find out!
- Can I talk to you?
- I'm busy.
- You're eating pudding?
- Yes, but i'm fantasizing it's jello.
- Please.
Well, I think you've suffered long enough.
- What do you mean?
- All that Ken stuff, I didn't mean it.
I just wanted to teach a lesson.
- I knew it.
I knew it was a put-on.
- I wanted to get back at you for that blonde bimbo stuff,
and it worked.
- Ken. Ken.
- I'm not into anybody but you.
- Same here, sweetie, completely.
Of course, there are other ways
to keep our sex life exciting.
- Such as?
- Oh, I don't know.
Such as making love some place risky and dangerous.
- What, right here?
- Yeah, right here, right now.
- Yeah, but it's the middle of the day,
and there are people right outside the door.
Like co-workers, and delivery persons.
- And Ken, the security guard.
- Take me.
Oh yeah.
- Okay, I'm here.
Now, remember cowboy, pocahontas,
forbidden love.
Why aren't you in your costume?
- I twisted my ankle.
- What?!
- Can you get me an ice pack?
- Sure.
- How did this happen?
- It was during warm-ups.
We were working on our triple axels,
and then, we were about to try them side by side.
She's so perfect.
She's got the body of Britney Spears,
and the wisdom of Princess Leia.
I should just take her in my arms and comfort her,
and finally tell her how I feel.
- And then, I twisted my stupid ankle!
Can you believe it?
- Listen, Nicole...
- Dennis, can I be really open with you?
- Of course you can.
- I'm in love with Justin.
- Who's Justin?
Oh, that guy?
You're in love with him?!
- He doesn't know, but do you have any idea
what it's like to be in love with someone for so long,
and not be able to tell them?
Do you?
- I'm afraid I don't.
- This competition means so much to him.
It'd just kill me if I cost him his chance at glory tonight.
- Well, what can I get you?
Painkillers, a cortisone shot?
- That won't work.
- Well, what will work?
What do you need? I'll do anything.
Remember, desire, joy, passion.
And adjust for me weighing 10 pounds less than her.
I know it's not customary for honorable mention to speak,
but I wanna dedicate this performance
to a very special little lady who's out there right now...
It is now a block free skate free skate.