- What's that smell?
- I'm doing the wolf fever shoot today,
there are sheep in my studio.
- Yuck, how many?
- I don't know, I counted five then nodded off.
- I-diddle-diddle.
- Oh, Finch, are you okay?
- Of course, why wouldn't I be?
- Uh, because your marriage fell apart three days ago.
- Fell apart?
We've never been closer.
- But she left you.
- We just needed some alone time.
Boy, you two are the gloomy twins.
- Finch, she mailed you back her wedding ring.
- She didn't wanna lose it at club med.
God, good morning.
- I am worried about that boy.
- I know, he's completely delusional.
- And not the good delusional,
which convinces you that one tiny hand-rolled cigarette
couldn't have started such a big forest fire.
- Nina...
- My point is, Finch is a ticking time bomb
and unless we are very careful, voila.
- Voila?
- I mean, kaboom.
- Larry king is an ass.
- And a lousy kisser.
- What's the problem, Jack?
- He's bumping me off his show
so he can interview Alan greenspan.
Why talk to him?
The man is a bore.
- And a lousy kisser.
- How am I supposed to publicize my book
if I can't get any airtime?
- You know, Jack, I have an old flame
who runs a TV news magazine.
Funny story, we met at an orgy in the Hamptons.
I wouldn't have gone but it was for charity.
- Nina.
- Do you think your friend would do a story on me?
- Oh, Jack, this show did a piece
on a water skiing squirrel.
- Sure, that they show, but a cat who plays checkers,
I can't even get my tape back.
- I could get him to do a sort of day
in the life type thing about you.
- Okay, Nina, set it up.
Promoting my autobiography is a top priority.
- Yeah, what about finishing your autobiography?
- Shouldn't I be asking you that question?
- Jack, it's hard to construct a timeline
that makes you under 50.
- Big news, you're all invited to my party.
- Hey.
- Oh, sweetie, I would love to come
but that night I have to...
Oh damn, you didn't say when it was yet.
- It's tonight and it is going to rock.
It's a painting party.
- A painting party?
- Mm-hmm.
We're gonna dance, we're gonna kick back,
we are going to repaint my apartment.
- Then I'll expect you Saturday
at my gala toilet scrubbing festival.
- Okay, come on, this is gonna be great.
We're gonna order pizza from this place
that guarantees they'll put on any topping you want,
like if you order chocolate, they have to do it.
- Whoa.
All right, I'm going.
- Sounds good to me.
- Yes.
Elliot?
- Maya, I will not be attending your slave labor soiree.
- Hey.
- At least I'm telling the truth, all right?
They're just gonna call ya last minute
with some lame excuse.
- No they're not.
- All right, come on, guys.
What'll it take?
- We want imported vodka.
- Fine.
- Taxi ride to and from.
- Okay.
- And absolutely no painting.
- Zero.
But wait...
- Hello, sweetie.
I don't know if you're checking your messages,
but I'll be home at 7:00 in case you get back
in the country and wanna order in.
Oh, and hint hint, it's somebody's turn
to take out the garbage.
I'm kidding, I'll take care of it.
Okay, bye-bye.
- Look at him, it's pathetic.
He's in complete denial.
- Here you go, kids.
Who wants a paycheck?
- Thanks, Beth.
- Hey, pee wee, I saw your wife in the paper
dirty dancing with some big native guy in st barts.
- It's called doing aerobics.
- Oh, was that his last name?
- Now, Debra, in a meeting.
- Okay, keep your pants on, stretch.
It's payday, it's payday, come beg for it.
- She's like a walking promotional campaign
for direct deposit, man.
- Hey, Elliot.
- Scott, man, I thought you weren't coming till tomorrow.
- I got lucky.
Hey, you look like you've been working out.
- Yeah, you know.
Oh!
Yeah, you know, I hit the gym when I can, you know.
- So, fancy digs.
- Yeah, it's a pretty nice setup.
- Pretty nice?
Man, you've got it made.
- Oh!
Hey, Elliot, can you come in here for a sec?
- Yeah.
Hey, Scott, come with me, this will be good.
- Hey, could you give me a hand?
I'm looking for my earring.
Oh, hello.
- Maya, I want you to meet my old friend, Scott talman,
he's in town for a few days.
Ask him what he does for a living.
- Okay, what do you do for a living, Scott?
- He's a forestry engineer.
- Oh, well, well, I'm kind of a tree-hugger myself.
- Actually, I'm more on the harvesting end.
- Harvesting?
Mm-hmm.
- You chop them down?
- And here we go.
- Do you?
- Well, no, we don't chop them down.
We use gas-powered chainsaws.
And dynamite, if we're feeling lazy.
- That's a nice one, Scott.
Maya?
- Deforestation's not funny.
It's screwing up the whole environment.
- Uh-huh.
Interesting point coming from someone chewing a pencil
by her oak desk.
- Ouch.
Oh my.
- What most people don't understand is
cutting old trees allows the forest to rejuvenate
and supports even greater plant life.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh well, yes, you can play with your logic all you want,
but I've never seen logic give shade
to a tired hiker or be home
to a family of chipmunks or stuff.
Oh, you brought him in here just to provoke me.
- Oh!
- Now, Jack, remember to favor your good side.
- Which is?
- Huh, where did it go?
Thanks so much for the favor, Simon.
- Well, anything to please you, Nina.
And I think you remember I can back that up.
- Oh, you.
- I know, naughty Simon.
- Yeah, Jack, I found your eyebrow comb.
- Oh good.
- Say, I recognize him.
Isn't that the little elf that got dumped by the supermodel?
- Yes, but it's best not to bring that up.
- Oh, yes, yes, I understand.
Say no more.
Say, mate, how would you like to discuss
your shattered marriage in front of two million viewers?
- Shattered?
If my marriage is so shattered,
then how come I'm still wearing my wedding ring and hers?
- Hey, hey, here's your story.
All right, now, just give me a second
to pretend like I'm working, then you guys come in
and I'll look all surprised.
Mother of god, my new coat.
Look what you've done you wooly bastard.
- Jack.
- That's a cashmere coat.
It cost more than I pay my household staff in a year.
I'm gonna flatten you out and stuff you in a pita.
Jack.
- What?
Run along, little angel fluff.
Woohoo.
All right, hit rewind and let's take it from the top.
- Are you joking?
That stuff was pure ambrosia.
- But it's not fair.
I didn't get to say start.
- Don't worry, I'll handle this.
Now, Simon, do you really need to use that footage?
- Yes.
- There's no arguing with him, Jack.
- Simon, come on.
You're Australian, i'm American, let's not fight.
Our common enemy is mother england.
- No go, Jacko.
- No go?
Listen here you unctuous little wallaby.
- Jack.
- Hey, you, cut.
- Ah, ah, you don't say cut.
I say cut.
- Listen, jackass, I've ruined better men than you.
You wanna hear a few names?
Dennis, get the list.
- It's getting ugly again.
- It's not ugly, it's pure ambrosia.
- I said stop that.
Stop that.
Stop it.
Stop.
He pushed me, you all saw that.
- Wow, plastic.
Now that's really bad for the environment.
- So, you're still here?
- Yeah, Elliot's photo shoot is taking forever.
Apparently one of the lambs is throwing up buttons.
- Look, I'm sorry about before.
When I feel strongly about something,
I tend to just say what I think.
- So do I.
Wanna go to dinner with me tonight?
- Oh, wow.
Uh, yeah, sure.
- Good.
- Oh, great, round two.
- Uh actually, Maya and I were just talking about tonight.
- Oh for god's sakes, Maya, just let it go.
Nobody in their right mind wants
to paint your stupid apartment.
- Yes, Elliot, I know.
Thanks to you, I've canceled the painting party.
Scott and I were talking about dinner.
- Oo, dinner, there's an idea.
Come on, let's roll, man.
- Maya and I were gonna take my motorcycle.
You know, the one without the third wheel.
- Oh, I see, so just Maya and you.
- Uh-huh.
- You mean like a date?
- So much like a date that it actually is one, yeah.
- Well, hey, I have no problem with that.
You know, no problem at all.
I mean, I've got a million things to do.
- Hey, Elliot, a sheep just pooped in your beret.
- A million and one.
- On the bright side, we found your class ring.
- And so the problem is, do you save the trees
and kill the beavers or do you save the beavers
and kill the trees?
- Wow, nothing in life is simple.
- Well, some things are.
- So do you wanna come in for some coffee?
- Does moss grow on the north side of a tree?
Huh?
- That means yes.
- Oh.
- Just starting with the primer.
- Look, Jack, I am so sorry
about that little PR fiasco yesterday.
But I think I can help.
- How, by sending the post photos of me
drop kicking a bunny?
- Just hear me out.
I spoke to Simon and he's willing to make a deal.
If you can give him a better, juicer story for his show,
he's not going to air that footage of you.
- Really?
They'd do that?
- Oh, it happens all the time.
Like when Michael Douglas was on TV
talking about being a sex addict
so they wouldn't run something embarrassing about him.
- Wonderful, except for one little problem.
Where am I gonna find a juicier story?
Think, Jack, think.
- Should I think too?
- If you like.
- Hey, just gotta change a bulb.
- A really juicy story.
It's gotta have it all, sex, heartbreak, fame.
And at the center, an underdog.
- Uh-huh, what?
- Um, exactly what did you think you were doing last night?
- What?
You asked me to paint and I painted.
And besides, I was right about Nina
and Finch not showing up, huh?
Those two, huh?
- Come on, Elliot, why don't you admit the truth?
- Well, which is, what?
- You're jealous.
- Jealous, what?
- That's right.
You hung around my apartment all night
to make sure that nothing would happen
when Scott and I got back there.
You're jealous and you can't admit it.
- First of all, you have a pretty high opinion of yourself
if you really believe that.
And second, what kind of tramp invites a guy in
on the first date?
- Believe me, I chastised myself in my diary.
That is not the issue.
- You really want the truth?
I was trying to protect you.
- From what?
- Scott's just using you.
See, we've always had this ongoing rivalry over women.
One of us sets his sights on a girl,
the other one tries to move in.
- So you're saying you've set your sights on me?
- Maya, you're not listening.
- I was too.
What you're saying only makes sense
if Scott thinks that you're after me.
- Exactly, he thinks I'm after you.
- Fine.
Why does he think that?
- Who knows?
He's a lumberjack.
- Elliot.
- Plus, remember yesterday in the kitchen
I handed you a banana?
Well, Scott saw that.
- Yeah, so?
- Maya, Scott's a strict freudian.
I gave you my banana.
- I see.
Scott is a freudian lumberjack
who saw you give me fruit.
- Finally.
- Look, Elliot, Scott and I are going out again tonight
and I don't wanna come home
and find you grouting my bathtub.
- I'm just trying to help you.
- Help me?
You're being incredibly insulting.
You're saying that there's no possible way
that Scott could find me attractive.
- Oh, see?
Now you're just twisting my words.
All I'm saying is that he'd go after a bucktooth baboon
if he thought I had my eye on it.
Oh, and now I suppose you're mad at that, right?
I can't win, can I?
- Broken up?
If we were broken up, would I have spent
three sleepless nights writing this song?
♪ Adrienne, sweet Adrienne
♪ flowers in her hair
♪ don't try to fight it
♪ we're gonna reunite it
♪ a tall Aphrodite, a kissy kissy bitey
♪ a-whoa-ho, a-whoa-ho, a well-well-yeah
- I don't know about this, Jack.
I'm experiencing a twinge of guilt
where my lowest rib used to be.
- Sh, sh, sh, not now.
- But Finch could explode at any moment.
- Nonsense, Dennis is a rock.
Besides, maybe Adrienne will see him on TV and come back.
- Oh, you don't really believe that, do you?
- Who knows?
10 years ago I didn't believe in the Internet
and yet I'm downloading a chili recipe as we speak.
- Right.
So there is no possibility that you and Adrienne
have ended your tenure as Manhattan's toniest twosome?
- None whatsoever.
We are still very much in love.
- Despite the fact that she was spotted
with Hollywood pretty boy Ben Affleck?
- Dude, who hasn't been spotted with Ben Affleck?
- And the fact that she filed for divorce today
in balmy Martinique?
- What, divorce?
- I have a copy of the papers right here.
- Oh.
Well that's no big deal.
I mean, there's lots of reasons why people file for divorce.
Like maybe she never wants to see me again.
Oh my god.
I'm all alone.
Can't breathe.
I'm alone.
I'm alone in a little blonde box.
- Well, Jack, I hope you're happy.
He may have to be sedated.
Somebody run to Maya's office?
I've taped a package under her desk.
- Oh no, Dennis, my boy, what have I done?
Okay, deal's off.
You can use the footage of me.
- No way, gallo, I'm going with the weird little weeper.
Unless, of course, you've got something juicier still.
- He came out of the shower naked, dripping with sweat,
and rubbing his super bowl mvp trophy all over his body.
And then he told me that he had thrown
two interceptions that day and needed to be punished.
Simon says, stay tuned
for the entire shocking story,
coming up next on inside undercover.
- Thanks, Nina.
- Yeah, you really took one for the team.
- Interesting choice of words.
- What do you mean?
- Stay tuned.
- Guitars?
- Maple wood.
- Chopsticks?
- Spruce.
- Pine furniture?
Oh.
- You.
Hey, Elliot.
What are you doing here?
- I'm taking my goddess out to dinner.
Scott, this is Beth, the woman I'm dating.
- What?
Hello.
- Hiya.
- Well, we're just getting started.
Why don't you guys join us?
- Scooch.
- Isn't she beautiful?
And she's a whiz with numbers.
- Yeah, I work in payroll,
but that's just till I get knocked up.
I love popcorn shrimp, I love it.
Oh no, you're not getting away that easy.
Back you go.
- I'm smitten.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Oh sure, sure.
You'll be all right, angel?
- Where do you get off barging in on our date like this?
Do you know how pathetic you seem to show up
with Beth in some lame attempt to what, make me jealous?
I mean for god's sakes, Beth?
- You know, Beth speaks very highly of you.
- Maybe she's confusing me with an appetizer.
- Look, I only brought her here to prove my point,
that Scott will try to bag any woman he thinks I want.
You watch, you watch.
Within a week he'll be calling her.
- You are a very sick man.
Now why don't you just buzz off so Scott
and I can enjoy our dinner?
I'm gonna have my father fire that bitch.
Hey, pizza's here.
Wow, those fumes are strong.
- It's turpentine.
You should probably open up a window.
- Elliot, I'm sorry I thought that you were being jealous.
- It's okay.
If it makes you feel better,
Scott hunts deer with a crossbow.
- Yeah, apparently it thins the herd so they don't starve.
- Anyway, I was just trying
to protect you, you know, like a sister.
- I know.
- But you know, any sister of mine
would have the traditional dimauro birthmark.
Boop.
Yeah.
- A trait usually more pronounced in the men.
Oh.
No, Elliot, don't.
Maybe I should open the window.
♪ Life keeps bringing me back to you
♪ keeps me bringing home
♪ it don't matter what I wanna do 'cause
♪ it's got a mind of its own
♪ life keeps bringing me back to you