- I just got off the phone with Allie, she can't come
to your wedding reception.
- Wait, why not?
- I'm not sure, her cell phone cut out.
I think her hot air balloon went behind a mountain.
But I'll be there, gift in hand.
- Aww, Jack, just having you at the ceremony was enough
of a present.
You can't put a dollar amount on friendship.
- But you can on a check, yeah buddy.
- No, I want to give you guys the perfect gift.
After all, I'm famous for finding the perfect gift.
- Okay well, we're registered at...
- Ah, ah, ah, that would be cheating,
so let's just change the subject.
Say, have you ever looked around your bathroom and thought,
this would be a great place for a second refrigerator.
Not for everyone.
- So how'd it go in court? - Guilty.
Can you believe it, a guy dressed in a black robe
and brown loafers has the nerve to tell me I'm indecent.
- Nina, you were caught having sex in a glass elevator.
- What I do in public is my own damn business.
- So what did they give you?
- 50 hours of community service.
But the joke's on them, most of the garbage on the highway
is mine anyway.
- You know, I may volunteer at this retirement home,
maybe they'd let you do your time there.
- I don't know, I always feel kind of creepy
around the elderly.
But not you, Jack, I feel very comfortable around you.
- I didn't hear that.
- We should get him a hearing aid.
- My god, this is so great.
Okay, so I'll see you tonight.
Okay, okay, big kiss, bye.
Honey, we have a dinner guest tonight,
one of my closest model friends is in town.
- Cool, Cindy, frederique?
- Kyle.
- Yeah, I dig chicks with guy names.
- Kyle's a guy.
- A male model.
- You have a problem with that?
- Not a problem, I do have a bit of a scratchy throat.
I don't think i'm up for company,
but I'm sure it won't interfere with our sex life.
- Dennis, I hope you're having one
of your weird jealous fits.
- Jealous, no way.
- Excuse me, ma'am, I need someone to sign for this.
- No one's impressed by your muscles, now beat it.
- Listen to you, you're out of control.
- Right, I fend off a grabby delivery guy,
and I'm the maniac?
- Dennis, I can't stand jealousy.
It's the reason Brian and I broke up,
and I don't want it to happen to us.
- You're right, honey, I promise to be on perfect behavior.
- Aww, that's my little monkey man.
- I'm sure this guy will be great, I'll love him.
- What's that all about?
- Some pretty boy's coming over to nail my wife.
- That's great.
If she's busy, you can go to the Knicks game with me.
- It's not funny.
- Finch, why are you being so paranoid, huh?
- Why?
Look at me, look at her, I can't help it.
Hey, do me a favor, come over tonight
and keep me in check.
See, if I flip out and this guy comes over,
she's gonna hate me.
- You'll be fine, you don't need me.
- What am I supposed to do, just sit there and watch
while this guy has sex with my wife
on our dining room table where we eat?
Where we eat.
- I'll bring the wine.
- See, now there's no reason to feel uncomfortable.
Here, come say hello to Mr. Neuthaler.
Nina, he won't bite.
- How could he, his teeth are in that apple.
- Hi there, everyone, if it's Tuesday, I must be Maya.
And I brought my friend, Nina, she's going to be joining us
for this week's current event wrap session.
- Hello, well, don't you all look.
- The key is to keep it up and cheerful.
Now, who's been following the reign of terror in Bosnia?
Come on, people, don't you remember?
We talked about this last week.
- The only thing I remember is you were wearing a tank top.
- Okay, I'll get the ball rolling.
What about the UN's policy toward stabilizing the region?
- It was a cute little red number with spaghetti straps.
- Oh gosh, I gotta take this.
Will you take over for me for a little bit?
I'll be right back. - What?
Where is it, in the wash?
- Well, I, Bosnia.
Bosnia, Bosnia, Bosnia.
Okay, who wants to sign my court voucher?
- You still got 27 minutes to fill.
- Here, okay.
Oh, I know, I know.
Three sailors walk into a bar.
- Oh I heard this joke.
- It's not a joke, I'm telling you about my weekend.
- Come on, entertain us, damn it.
- Entertain you?
I don't know what you like, I'm just getting to know you.
♪ Getting to know all about you
♪ getting to like you
♪ getting to help you like me
♪ getting to know you
♪ putting it my way but nicely
♪ you are precisely my cup of tea
- Okay, dip, broccoli, crackers.
All right, what am I forgetting?
- Your wedding vows.
- What'd you say?
- Croutons?
- It didn't sound like croutons.
- As long as they taste like them.
- Nice save.
You know, this Kyle guy is just a friend of hers.
They're buddies, like when Harry met Sally.
- Harry slept with Sally.
- Really, I left early.
I mean, you know, that makes sense.
I mean, who can keep their hands off Meg Ryan,
you know what I'm saying?
I'm not helping, am I?
I'm marinating the chicken, can you get that?
- He may be perfect looking, but I'm just
as good as he is.
- Partay in the hizzouse.
- Kyle? - Adrienne.
Look at you, give me some. - Oh, baby.
Dennis, this is Kyle.
- And pepper.
- You're a model?
- A hand model, yes.
You might even recognize me.
The good hands people.
- Elliot, this guy's Kyle.
- I see that.
- This dude is Kyle.
- I get it, Finch.
Hey, Elliot dimauro. - Hey, nice to meet you.
- Have we ever worked together?
- Oh, I don't know, I mostly work on the west coast.
For some reason, I get a lot more hand jobs out there.
- Drinks, anybody for a drink?
- Oh, sea breeze.
- Good call, brother.
Gently.
- Looks like your little problem is solved,
and I've got a game to go to.
- That dude's Kyle. - Uh-huh, yeah.
- He's a got a little dog, I love it.
- Will you explain the situation to Adrienne, okay?
Nice meeting you, goodbye. - Bye.
- What did your friend mean when he said
your problem was solved?
- Oh, it's just lately Adrienne's been getting
on my case about being jealous, you know.
When she told me her male model friend was coming over,
the last thing I expected was someone like,
- you?
Someone like you. - Yeah.
- Well, you obviously don't have anything
to worry about with me.
- Dude, it's not that funny.
- Where's Elliot?
- Oh, he took off.
- Well, that's rude. - Yeah, that dude's a flake.
- It's so funny that you both like sea breezes.
- I have a feeling we like a lot of the same things.
♪ All day long they chatter away
♪ all day long they're happy day
♪ they're singing and singing
♪ in a honky-tonky way hey
- Hey, where are you off to?
- The rest home, I'll be doing a few numbers over lunch.
- Oh, that's fantastic.
Maybe I'll go with you and when you're done
we can discuss this article on nuclear waste
in the Ukraine.
- Yeah, you know, that might be a little awkward.
I've put together a tight 85-minute set.
- 85 minutes, I never stay more than 30.
- Well, and if that's all you're happy giving,
then you'll just have to live with that.
No, these people need me.
I make them come alive, I am their Evita.
Or at least, I will be for three hours this Sunday.
- Kyle? - Yeah.
- What are you doing here?
- Adrienne's shoot, is it down this way?
- Down the hall. - Oh, good.
- Hey, this is probably all in my head,
but last night, it kind of seemed like you were
hitting on Adrienne, am I crazy?
- No, no, not at all.
- Okay, good, because I was, wait what?
- Oh yeah, I've been trying to snag her for years,
but I could never get past that goon, Brian.
You did that for me, so thanks buddy.
- You son of a bitch.
- Ah, ah, ah, keep a lid on that jealousy thing, or don't.
- Listen to me, you will never get near her again.
- Come on, Kyle, let's get you and Adrienne started.
- What you talking about?
- Oh, Kyle's in the shoot, he came up with this great idea
for him and your wife.
- Now, where is she?
- Dennis, about your present.
I, in no way, want to ruin the surprise,
but do you own a canoe?
- Jack, not now.
- You, my friend, are dangerously close
to a gift certificate.
- Oh, honey, guess what, I'm working with Kyle.
Kyle. - Hi.
- Yeah, I know about Kyle.
- Oh honey, he told me how well you guys were getting along.
I'm so proud of you.
Okay everyone, places.
- You're out of your league, dude.
I can outthink you, outplay you, and I will block
your every move.
- Well, listen to me, chicken fingers.
Soon, Adrienne will be in the palm of my hands.
- Kyle, your head is in the frame.
- Oh, sorry.
- Dennis, I'm glad you're here.
How would you and Adrienne like lobsters
once a week, for life?
How do you like that chair?
- Jack, I need your advice.
It's about this guy, Kyle.
- I get it, Kyle is you.
- No, Kyle's another guy, and he's trying
to sleep with Adrienne.
- Uh-huh, and Kyle is having a little problem in the sack?
- I'm not Kyle.
- Okay, okay.
- This guy's got my wife thinking he's a friend,
and I can't even warn her because she'll think
I'm being jealous.
- You're jealous because you're insecure.
- I am, and I shouldn't be.
- Yes, you should be,
because you've never let her see the real you.
For god's sakes, she thinks you were a marksman
in the Gulf war.
- Oh, tank commander but I get your point.
- If there's any hope for your marriage,
you have to be honest with her.
- There's gotta be another way.
- Honesty, Dennis, it's rule one of a healthy marriage.
- Jack, your wife is on the line,
she wants to know if you can make lunch with your in-laws.
- Tell her I'm at the dentist.
It's a little game we play.
- Honey, what are you doing home?
- I left work early so I can help with the party.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
- I can't find the loofah.
- Kyle?
- Kyle, we decided I was gonna take the first bath.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I just can't seem to focus today.
- Oh, Kyle's gonna stay with us for a while,
his doggie passed away.
- People put tennis balls on the top of car antennas,
and they don't even think twice about it.
- Aww.
- Your towel's slipping.
- Oh, so it is.
- You're welcome to stay with us as long as you like.
- Well, I don't wanna make Dennis uncomfortable.
- Uncomfortable, Dennis tell him he's being silly.
- You're an ass.
- Thanks for understanding.
- Honey, let's get away after the party.
Just you and me, we'll go up to Vermont, pick apples,
play in the leaves and do it.
What's that?
Oh no, he must've slipped and hit his head.
- Oh please.
- I don't think he's breathing.
- Give him a minute. - There's no time.
- No, I'll do it.
No, you do it.
No, I'll do it.
- I'll call an ambulance.
That's it, keep your lips tight on his,
loosen up his towel, blow, Dennis, blow.
- Disgusting.
- I know your dog's not dead.
I'm eight chess moves ahead of you.
- And yet I was just seconds from having your wife
jam her tongue down my throat.
- Oh thank god, oh Kyle.
- Honey, I saved him, I'm a hero.
- Oh, Dennis.
- I saw a bright light, I think pepper was there.
I miss you pepper.
- Oh, sweetie.
- Pawn takes queen.
♪ Give my regards to Broadway
♪ and tell them I'll be there long
Thank you.
That little number is dedicated to the orderlies.
We put our lives in their hands everyday.
Most of them never even finished high school.
I'll be right back with an all-star tribute
to wwii and who knows who maybe dropping by.
Maybe even Mr. Jimmy durante.
Ha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha.
- Whoa, pretty good huh, right?
- It's not so much good as a living hell.
- Is something wrong?
- She's been driving us nuts all week.
- One song was fine, but now she's gone berserk.
And what the heck is a funky cold Medina?
- Either pull the plug on her or on me.
- Can't we just stare at the wall like used to?
- Yeah, stare at the wall.
Stare at the wall, stare at the wall,
stare at the wall.
- Come on, people, Nina is putting her heart
and soul into this.
And she's not that bad.
- Hit it, knuckles.
♪ You're a grand old flag
♪ you're a high-flying flag
♪ and forever in peace may you wave
♪ you're the emblem of
- I'll have a word with her.
- So, what'd you get them?
- I had a friend of mine paint their portrait
from a photo I took.
- Damn, that's perfect, how'd you come up with that?
- I just put a little thought into it.
- What are you saying, I'm a moron?
- No.
- Because if you were, you could say that painting
was from both of us and all would be forgiven.
- What do you mean they don't want me to perform anymore?
- Well, it's just that they found you a little overwhelming.
Plus, you ordered a spotlight with no authorization.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Honey, you have to check out the cake.
The bakery made the most hilarious mistake.
- "To the happy couple, Adrienne and Kyle."
- As if we were married, can you even imagine?
Close your eyes and try.
- Ah, ha, that's rich.
Can I talk to you in here for a minute, Kyle?
- What up?
- I got a present for you.
No salt, just pepa.
- Pepper?
- Your supposedly dead dog.
I found him in your grandma's backyard.
- How did you know where to look?
- I asked myself, where would I go with my darkest secret?
To the only woman I trust, Nana.
Adrienne, honey, come on in here,
I'd like to show you something.
- No, well, you leave me no choice.
- What the hell happened?
- He said I was trying to steal you,
and then he hit me with the toilet lid.
- No I didn't, he hit himself.
- Yeah right, I knew you could be jealous, but violent?
God, you're just like Brian.
Let me put some ice on that.
I think we need to go lay down.
Adrienne. - Go away.
- Listen to me.
From day one, this guy has done nothing but lie
and manipulate you just to get you into bed.
- Okay, now you're really being pathetic.
I mean, what makes you think I'd fall
for something like that.
- Because you did with me.
Listen, I've lied to you about everything.
I've lied since day one.
I was never in the persian Gulf, I'm not a long jump champ.
Maya's never been in love with me.
- Thank you. - There's more.
- I don't wanna hear it.
- Adrienne, please.
- I don't even know you.
- But you do know me, and I think somebody needs a hug.
Oh.
- Pepper?
What the hell? - This isn't.
Oh, it is pepper, back from heaven.
- You both make me sick.
- So there is a Kyle.
- Hey. - Hey.
- I'll be gone soon, i'm just clearing out my stuff.
That should do it.
- You know, I've been walking around
trying to figure everything out.
What you've done is unforgivable.
- I know.
- But we are married.
- I know, that's my fault too.
- I mean, we made a commitment and despite everything,
there's something about you that I love, I think.
- There is?
- But if there's any chance of working this out,
I need to know the real Dennis Eastwood Finch.
- Actually my middle name is quimby.
- Quimby?
- Yeah, it's Gaelic for brave warrior.
No, it's not.
It's the name of my mom's sewing machine.
- Dennis quimby Finch.
All right, so from now on, we hide nothing
from each other, okay?
- Okay.
- Promise? - Promise.
By the way, it's my sewing machine now.
♪ Life keeps bringing me back to you
♪ keeps bringing me home
♪ it don't matter what I wanna do
♪ 'cause it's got a mind of its own
♪ life keeps bringing me back to you